Anxiety can be tough for anyone to deal with, but add in the whirlwind of changes that come with adolescence, and anxiety can feel like an intrusive mind hog that spends way too much time squeezing, surprising and overwhelming anyone it lands on.
If anxiety is making a menace of itself, the good news is that there are ways to take it back to small enough. First though, it’s important to understand the telltale signs of anxiety and where they come from. When you understand this, anxiety will start to lose the power that comes from its mystery and its unpredictability.
Teens With Anxiety. A Few Things You Need to Know
Anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with strength, character or courage.
People with anxiety will be some of the strongest, most likable, bravest people any of us will know. Anxiety and courage always exist together. Courage doesn’t mean you never get scared – if you’re not scared, there’s no need to be brave. What courage means is that you’re pushing right up against your edges. It doesn’t matter where the edges are. They will be different for everyone. The point is that courage is all about feeling them and making a push to move through them – and people with anxiety do it all the time.
Sometimes it drops in for absolutely no reason at all.
Anxiety happens because your brain thinks there might be danger, even when there is no danger at all. Brains are smart, but they can all read things a little bit wrong sometimes.
Anxiety is soooo common. Almost as common as having feet. But not quite.
On average, about 1 in 5 young people have anxiety. Without a doubt, someone you know or care about will also struggle with anxiety from time to time. Stats don’t lie. They don’t gossip and they don’t start scandals either, which is why they’re so reliable. They’re good like that.
Everyone experiences anxiety on some level.
Anxiety exists on a spectrum – some people get it a lot and some people get it a lot less, but we all experience anxiety on some level at some time in our lives – exams, job interviews, performances. Sometimes it can happen for no reason at all.
Anxiety is a feeling, not a personality.
Anxiety doesn’t define you. It’s a feeling – it will come, but it will always go, and it’s as human as having a heartbeat.
Your brain that is strong, healthy and doing exactly what brains are meant to do.
Your brain is magnificent. It’s just a little overprotective. It loves you like a favourite thing and it wants to keep you safe. And alive. Brains love keeping people alive. They adore it actually.
Anxiety can look a little something like this …
Here are some of the common signs of anxiety in teenagers. If you have some of these, it doesn’t mean that teenage anxiety is a problem for you. This list is a way to make sense of things that feel as though they’re getting in your way, but if you experience some of them and you’re travelling along beautifully, then there’s no problem at all. Something is only a problem if it’s causing you a problem.
Thoughts …
- Negative thoughts – what-ifs, thoughts about being judged or embarrassed, small thoughts that grow into big worries.
- Excessive worry about physical symptoms (that a cut might become infected, that a headache might mean brain cancer).
An anxious brain is a strong brain, and anxious thoughts can be persuasive little beasts that stick to the inside of your skull like they belong there. Write this down and stick it to your mirror, so you see it every morning when you’re getting a faceful of your gorgeous head: ‘Thoughts are thoughts. They are NOT predictions. Let them come. And then let them go.’
Feelings …
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Fearful, worried, overwhelmed, out of control.
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Dread, as though something bad is going to happen.
- Panic that seems to come from nowhere.
- Feeling separate to your physical self or your surroundings. (This is called depersonalisation and it can be driven by anxiety. Manage this one by managing your anxiety. Keep reading for how to do this.)
Physically …
- Racing heart.
- Tightening in the chest
- Butterflies.
- Tense muscles.
- Shaking hands.
- Feeling as though you’re going to vomit.
- Dizzy or light-headed.
- Feeling as though you want to burst into tears.
- Feeling angry.
These are all because of the surge of neurochemicals that happen when the body is in fight or flight mode. They can feel frightening, but they are all a very normal part of the way your brain and body protect you from possible danger (more about this later).
Behaviours …
- Skin picking (dermatillomania).
- Pulling out hair (trichotillomania).
- Nail biting.
- Avoidance of people or situations, even if they are things that would probably be fun. (This isn’t necessarily about wanting to avoid the people involved and more about wanting to avoid the anxiety that comes with certain situations such as parties or get-togethers or anything unfamiliar.)
- Feel compelled to perform certain habits or rituals that don’t seem to make sense (e.g. having to stack things in even numbers, having to touch the door handle a certain number of times before you leave, compulsive hand-washing, checking locks etc).
People with anxiety tend to find all sorts of ways to make their anxiety feel smaller for a little while. These self-soothing behaviours will often escalate with the intensity of the anxiety, but will ease once anxiety is under control. If you can manage your anxiety, this will help to fade these symptoms. (Sit tight – we’ll talk about how to do that.)
You might have a bit of …
- Tummy trouble – (constipation, diarrhoea, irritable bowel).
In the gut are hundreds of millions of neurons. This is affectionately known as ‘the brain in our gut’. These neurons are really important for mental health because they send information from the belly to the brain. When the environment in the gut is out of balance (not enough good bacteria, too many bad ones), the messages sent back to the brain can stir anxiety.
And those zzz’s …
- Difficulty sleeping – either trouble falling asleep, or waking up and not being able to go back to sleep.
When you’re still, quiet and trying to relax, negative thoughts or worries will see it as an invitation. They’ll put on their fancy pants and get the party started in your head. Pushy little sleep-thieving pirates that they are.
Practical, powerful ways to help manage anxiety.
Understand why it feels the way it does.
Understanding why anxiety feels the way it does will be one of your greatest tools in managing it. Think of it like this. Imagine being in a dark room that is full of ‘stuff’. When you walk around in the dark, you’re going to bump into things. You’re going to scrape, bruise and maybe drop a few choice words. Turn on the light though, and those things are still there, but now you can navigate your way around them. No more bumps. No more scrapes. And no more having to hold your tongue in front of people who can confiscate your phone. Here’s what you need to know …
Anxiety happens because a part of your brain (the amygdala) thinks there might be something it needs to protect you from. When this happens, it surges your body with a mix of neurochemicals (including oxygen, hormones and adrenaline), designed to make you stronger, faster, more alert and more powerful so you can fight for your life or run for it. This is the fight or flight response. It’s normal and healthy and it’s in everyone. In people with anxiety, it’s just a little quicker to activate.
The amygdala acts on impulse. It’s a do-er, not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought. It just wants to keep you safe, because safe is a lovely thing to be and because that’s been its job since the beginning of humans. The amygdala can’t always tell the difference between something that might hurt you (like a baseball coming at your head) and something that won’t (like walking into a party) – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is keep you safe.
When there’s nothing to flee or nothing to fight, there’s nothing to burn the neurochemical fuel that is surging through you. The fuel builds up and that’s why anxiety feels the way it does. Here’s how that works:
» Your breathing changes from normal, slow breaths to short, shallow breaths. This is because your brain tells your body to conserve oxygen on breathing, and send as much as possible to the muscles so they can get ready to run or fight.
You might feel puffed or a bit breathless. You might also feel your cheeks burn red (from the blood rushing to your face) and your face become warm.
» If you don’t fight or flee, the oxygen builds up in your body and the carbon dioxide drops.
You might feel dizzy or a bit confused.
» Your heart races to get the oxygen around your body.
Your heart can feel like it’s beating out of your chest and you might feel sick.
» Fuel gets sent to your arms (for fight) and to your legs (for flight).
Your hands, arms and legs might feel tense or shaky.
» Your body starts cooling itself down to stop it from overheating if it has to fight or flee.
You might feel a bit clammy or sweaty.
» Anything happening in your body that isn’t absolutely essential in the moment for your survival will shut down to conserve energy. Your digestive system is one of these. It shuts down until the ‘danger’ is dealt with, so the fuel it was using to digest your food can be used by your body for fight or flight.
You might feel butterflies in your belly. You might also feel sick, as though you’re about to vomit, and your mouth might feel dry.
» The amygdala also controls your emotions so when it’s in fight or flight, it’s switched on to high volume. This means your emotions can be too.
You might burst into tears or get angry.
Everything you feel when you have anxiety is to do with your body getting ready to fight or flee, when there is actually no need for either. It’s okay – there are things you can do about this. Let’s talk about that …
Dealing with Anxiety – The How-To
Here are some ways to manage anxiety by strengthening the structure and function of your brain in ways that protect it against anxiety. Remember though, the brain is like any other muscle in your body – it will get stronger with practice. I wish I could tell you that it would get stronger with pizza and tacos but that would be a dirty big lie and very unhelpful. Delicious maybe, but unhelpful. What isn’t a lie is that the following strategies have been proven by tons of very high-brow research to be very powerful in helping to reduce anxiety.
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Mindfulness. But first to show you why.
A mountain of studies have shown that mindfulness can be a little bit magic in strengthening the brain against anxiety. In a massive analysis of a number of different mindfulness/anxiety studies, mindfulness was found to be ‘associated with robust and substantial reductions in symptoms of anxiety.’
Mindfulness changes the brain the way exercise changes our body – but without the sweating and panting. Two of the ways mindfulness changes the brain are:
- by strengthening the connections between the amygdala (the key player in anxiety) and the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that can calm big emotions (and anxiety counts as a big emotion). The stronger the connections, the more the pre-frontal cortex is able to weigh in during anxiety and calm things down.
- by teaching the brain to stay in the present. Anxiety is driven by a brain that has been cast into the future. Thoughts start out as ‘what ifs’ and turn into persuasive little beasts that won’t let go. Mindfulness helps to keep control over your brain so you can stop it from worrying about things it doesn’t need to.
Okay then. What else can mindfulness do?
Plenty. Mindfulness can improve concentration, academic performance, the ability to focus, and it can help with stress and depression. It also increases gray matter, which is the part of the brain that contains the neurons. Neurons are brain cells, so we want plenty of them and plenty of gray matter for them to hang out in.
So mindfulness hey? What is it exactly?
Mindfulness is about staying in the present and ‘watching’ your thoughts and feelings without hanging on to them for too long. It’s this ‘hanging on too long’ that gives them the juice they need to become something bigger. Minds quite like to wander, especially anxious ones, so staying in the moment can take some practice. Here’s the how:
- Get comfy and close your eyes.
- Notice your breathing. How does the air feel as you draw it inside you? Notice the sensation of the air, or your belly rising and falling. Notice your heart beating. If your mind starts to wander, come back to this.
- Now, what can you hear? What can you feel outside of you and inside your body? If your mind starts to wander, focus on your breathing again.
Is there an app for that?
There are some brilliant apps that can guide you through mindfulness. Here are three (with links) for you to have a look at:
Smiling mind – a free app has tailored programs for different ages.
Stop, Breathe, Think – start by choosing words to describe how you’re feeling right now, and the app will suggest the best meditations based on where you’re at.
Insight Meditation Timer – another free app with guided meditations from over 700 teachers. It also has a very excellent feature that shows a map of how many other people are meditating in the world (using the app) at the same time as you. How to make the world feel a little bit smaller and a little more connected. Nice.
Exercise.
The effects of exercise on mental health are proven and powerful. The research on the positive effects of exercise on anxiety could probably cover a small planet, or, you know, a very big building. The point is that there’s tons of it.
Here’s how it works. Some neurons (brain cells) are born with the personality of puppies – very excitable and quick to fire up. We need these. They help us to think quickly, act quickly and remember. In the right amount and at the right time, these neurons are cell-sized bits of brain magic. Sometimes though, they can get a bit carried away with themselves. When too many of these excitable neurons get too active, anxiety can happen.
To stop these neurons getting over-excited and causing trouble, the brain has a neurochemical, GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid is the name it likes to go by at scientific get-togethers and when it wants to make an impression). Neurochemicals are the suave little messengers in the brain that carry important info from one cell to another. GABA is the brain’s calm down chemical – kind of like a sweet lullaby for the parts of the brain that are in very serious lullaby need. When the levels of GABA in the brain are low, there’s nothing to calm the excitable neurons. Exercise is a really effective way to get the GABA in the brain to the right levels.
Once these neurochemicals are back to healthy levels, the symptoms of anxiety tend to disappear into the sunset, or into a box with a very tight fitting lid – we don’t know for certain but wherever they go, it’s somewhere far away from you which is the important thing.
Any activity that gets your heart going counts as exercise. This will be different for everyone. It doesn’t have to mean pounding the pavement with your running feet on to the point of that you’re gasping for sweet life and demanding an oxygen tank. Not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s just that there aren’t always oxygen tanks handy when you need them. A brisk 20-minute walk or 8-10 minutes of going up and down the stairs a couple of times a day will also do it. Whatever works for you. Try for something you can do at least five times a week.
If vigorous exercise and you are still in the getting to know you trying-to-like-you phase of your relationship, non-aerobic exercise like yoga can also ease anxiety.
Breathe. But practice, practice, practice. And then practice a little bit more.
Anxiety can feel like such a gangster at times, it can be hard to believe that something as simple and as normal as breathing can out-muscle it – but it can. Here’s why. Strong, deep breathing initiates the relaxation response. The relaxation response was discovered by a Harvard cardiologist to be an automatic response that can neutralise the surge of neurochemicals that cause the awful physical feelings of anxiety. Because it’s an automatic response, you don’t need to believe it works, it just will – but you do have to initiate it.
Breathing is the switch that will activate the relaxation response and start to put the symptoms of anxiety back to small enough. Once you start slow deep breathing, your body will take over and do the rest. Breathe in through your nose for 3, hold for 1 and then out through your mouth for 3. (If you’re the type who quite fancies a visual, imagine holding a cup of hot cocoa and smelling the warm, heady aroma for three, hold your breath for one, then blow it cool for one.) Make sure the breathing is going right into your belly, not just into your chest.
In the thick of anxiety, the brain is too busy with other things to remember to do strong deep breathing. To make strong deep breathing easier for your brain to access, practice it a couple of times a day when you’re calm.
Food. You’ve gotta look after your belly
We used to think that anxiety or depression caused tummy trouble, but increasingly researchers are thinking that it actually works the other way – an unhappy belly can make an unhappy brain. The good news about this is that it doesn’t take too much effort to put it right, but eating well is super-important.
We know there are trillions of microbes that live in the intestinal tract. These send signals to the brain that can change mood and behaviour. If you eat too much processed food or too much sugar (or not enough good food) it can knock out the balance of good bacteria in your gut. This can upset the balance of everything and heavily influence your mood by sending funky messages back to your brain. Eating unprocessed, healthy food, and food that contains good bacteria (such as miso or yoghurt) can help to balance things out inside your gut and put things back on track.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with eating something unhealthily delicious now and then, but make sure that you’re not overdoing it. The healthier your gut, the healthier your mental health. Gut bacteria are the rock stars of the mental health world. It’s really important to keep yours happy, because, you know – cranky rock stars can be painful and annoying and cause more than a decent amount of trouble.
And finally …
Make sure you love yourself a little louder. At adolescence, you’re at a point in your life where the world is opening up to you. It’s a world that needs your wisdom, your courage and your interesting and very wonderful take on things. Anxiety can have a way of shifting the focus too often to the negative, but the things about ourselves that we would like to change often have very wonderful strengths built into them. Of course you would always rather not have anxiety, but there are so many strengths in you. Spend plenty of time noticing them.
Anxiety is something that happens, not something you are. What you are is smart, with truckloads of emotional intelligence, and a very wonderful and uniqe way of looking at things, as well as being the person people can count on, the one who thinks of things that other people haven’t, creative (even if you aren’t doing anything creative, it’s in you), sensitive, strong, and brave. You would be most people’s favourite type of humans.
Hello, I am 19 and I’m suffering from anxiety. I must say it’s very frightening and I’m trying to overcome it, but it’s very tough. However, this article got me some very positive mindset and a special feeling I haven’t felt for so long. For the past few years anxiety has stopped me in achieving so many things and it’s very frustrating. I feel like I’m not the same person anymore.
This article is the first that o have felt able to share with my fourteen year old daughter who has anxiety. The tone is just right so many other information sites are too clinical and would add to her anxiety. She has started counselling and working on mindfulness techniques but reading this has helped me as a parent to really understand it and has made her feel that she is not alone in dealing with this problem.
Debbie I’m so pleased you found this article. If all teens knew how many other teens were experiencing anxiety, they’d never feel alone again. It’s great that your daughter is doing mindfulness and is speaking with a counsellor. I hope it helps her to find calm and comfort.
I’m fifteen and my girlfriend is fourteen. She suffers severe anxiety after about two years of self harm, we weren’t dating at this time. She has stoped now and is positive that she won’t revert. I make sure that I talk to here daily. I come to you today because she seemed to be struggling with things. A full day has gone by and I have only gotten four responses. She tells me that she has experienced anxiety for a long time. She has recently begun taking a medication for it but I don’t believe its helping her. She told me that she feels like emotion is no longer a concept and she almost feels as if she doesn’t exist. Every time that I see this I want to cry and hold her. She has been the happiest person with a beautiful laugh. I don’t know what to do to help her. We ended some the day with a minor fight. Which has never happened please help.
Great article. Am desperate to help my 14 year old who is wracked with anxiety on a daily basis. Its like a physical pain that makes him cry. I will show him this article and ask him to try mindfulness today. Thanks for this insight. Two doctors in past week had no useful suggestions.
I’m a 13 year old girl but I am not so sure if I have anxiety or not. I feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts and when people ask me if I’m okay I feel like I HAVE to say yes. I would love to see a child physiologist but I am too afraid to tail my parents so I keep it to myself. There’s sometimes at night where I try to sleep but I can’t because I get these chills or shivers when I’m drifting off. Then I also have a bad habit of pulling my hair. I feel like I do have anxiety and I would really like to get rid of it or something so this article is really helpful to me now.
Dafne I’m so pleased you have reached out for support with this. There are so many people who experience the symptoms you are describing. The good news is that anxiety is very manageable, but it’s not unusual to need a little more support to deal with it. We all need help with things from time to time. If you aren’t able to speak with your parents, is there a teacher or counsellor at your school, or another adult you trust who can help you get the support you need? You have everything you need inside you to deal with this, but speaking about what you’re feeling and experiencing can really help you. Try the strategies in the article, and if you can, try to speak with an adult you trust who can help you. Teachers and school counsellors would deal with this all the time so they will really be able to help you. Finally, know that you are strong, brave and amazing.
Hi I’m Taylor and I’m 13 and I have had really bad anxiety lately and I’ve had a really hard time going to school and I get really worked up and I just don’t know what is causing it, it just came out of no where.
Taylor it sounds like this is a frightening and confusing experience for you. I want you to know that it is not uncommon for this to happen at your age. Anxiety is very common and is a sign of a strong, healthy brain doing what strong, healthy brains are meant to do – protect you and keep you safe. The problem is that sometimes our brains can think there is a threat, even when there is nothing threatening at all. This is completely okay and very manageable. Here is an article that will hopefully explain things clearly https://www.google.com.au/search?q=aniety+in+children+hey+sigmu+d&oq=aniety+in+children+hey+sigmu+d&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.3223j0j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8. It is written for younger children, but as you will see from the comments, there are many adults and teens who have found it helpful and comforting. It will explain how you can feel more in control of your anxiety. Mindfulness can really help to strengthen your brain against anxiety. There is a lot of research showing that it is a great thing to do to strengthen your brain in all sorts of areas, not just anxiety. Here is an article that explains how that works, as well as some ways to practice mindfulness https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/. Try for 10-20 minutes a day, even if you do it is 2 separate sessions. I know how confusing it can be when you feel like this out of the blue, but you’re going to be okay. Know that you will get through this. Try the strategies in this article, and also have a look through the others. Know that you have a really strong, healthy brain, it’s just a matter now for you to experiment with ways to be the ‘boss’ of your brain, so you can find calm during anxiety. It’s great that you are reaching out for help – that’s such a brave thing to do – you’re amazing – don’t forget it. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for support – we all need support in different forms from different people sometimes. Speak to a teacher or counsellor at your school, your parents, a family friend – anyone who cares about you. It’s very likely that they may have felt the way you feel. There are so many people who will understand exactly what you are going through and will be able to help, in the same way that one day, because of your experience, you’ll also be a wonderfully understanding support for someone else one day.
I am 15 yrs old and I am having bad anxiety issues and symptoms like tightness in chest, lump like feeling in throat and also I am getting scared to even sleep due to breathlessness.
What should I do and how long will this scary thing called “anxiety” last??
I am very worried.
Saahil follow the strategies in the article. Anxiety can be very frightening, but it is manageable. It’s a matter of finding the strategies that work best for you. If you are struggling, try to find someone you can speak with – perhaps a school counsellor or your family doctor. Choose a strategy or a combination of strategies that you think feel right for you, and start making small tweaks in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself, and know that you have everything you need inside you to get through this.
I’m 15 years old and iv been struggling with intrusive thoughts and getting super panicky and depressed but this article made me calm down a lot and I hope my symptoms start to fade thank you very much
Evan I’m so pleased the information has helped you to feel calmer. It shows how strong your mind is – as much as it can panic you, it can calm you. I love that you are so open to the information and that you have been able to make it work for you. That’s not easy – but you did it. The challenge now is to keep doing it – which you can.
Don’t worry I am 14 years old female I have experienced anxiety a lot trust me deep breathing will help you! Surround yourself with people you love don’t let anxiety take over you stay strong! I suffer from anxiety when I was 12 and it come and goes! Anxiety won’t last forever even tho you may think it will! 🙂
Hi,
this article is great. I have a son who has just turned 13. He came to me the other night and asked me if he could go and see his Child Psychologist. He said he didn’t want to worry me but that his head is all messed up and he wanted to talk to Peter. He has been biting the skin on his fingers for several months. He ended up telling me that he has constant thoughts of killing people, random people or perhaps robbing the. He is really scared. He said it’s like his mind is willing him to do it. His Child Psychologist saw him the next day and said its anxiety relating to anger and a lot of sadness where is dad and sister are concerned. He hasn’t seen his dad for 2 years now and his 16 year old sister has gone off to boarding school. I’m so proud of him for coming to me and asking for help. I will show him this article for sure. Last night we listed to some great mediation through and app called Calm. He drifted off to sleep. As a parent you feel so helpless.
I completely understand that feeling of helplessness when your children are struggling. It sounds as though you have a wonderfully strong relationship with him. It’s great that he was able to come to you to ask for help – it’s so brave and shows the strength in him. I hope the article is able to make some sense of things for him.
I have recently found your page via fb and would like to say how wonderful your website is. My son suffers from anxiety and this is the first time after many years of reading articles and recently attending an anxiety evening that you have made it so clear to know just what was going on with my son! Are you sure you don’t know us, because it felt like I was reading about our lives!I have recommended your website. Thank you so much…I even have my son reading some articles and he is actually talking about it with us, which is a major break thru. xx
At what point is medication necessary? My 12 going on 13 year old has been feeling anxious since he was about 9 years old. He sees a therapist weekly, I talk with him a lot, and we recently started to listen to guided meditations. I also have suffered from severe anxiety. His therapist does not think he needs a medication. I am definitely more into homeopathic, herbal, and nutritional support, but I realized through my own debilitating experience last year, that sometimes medication is necessary. I obviously do not want my son to suffer with anxiety and depression nearly everyday.
Sometimes medication is necessary, but it should always be a last resort particularly for children and teens. If your son’s therapist is of the view that he doesn’t need medication, I would respect that. Medication isn’t a permanent fix, so it’s important to find other ways to strengthen your son against anxiety, whether or not medication is prescribed.
This is an excellent article and a great resource for parents. When I was a teen 20 years ago I remember the struggles with anxiety and depression and the adults in my life unfortunately did not have accesss to information and resources. I think as an adult it is so important to not write it off as defiance and use patience and compassion.
i like this article i dont have stress but i feel like if anything ever happens i know what to do to help myself
This article was so well written with explanations and recommendations. I passed the link on to my 18 year old daughter who goes through anxiety regularly, in normal every day teen life. It covers everything she and I actually discussed last night. Thank you for putting this out on the web. Great article! 🙂
Thanks Tami. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Anxiety can feel awful and so confusing. I hope your daughtr realises how much courage is in her, and that she is able to find comfort and a way through her anxiety.
Hii iam 15 years old and reading in 1st year of college but this anxiety is since my school days that whenever i start preparing my test i cant but when i prepare it in the exam i forget all that and cannot think of anything and when i go home i wanted to cry bcz i cannot get a good result so i become angry with myself what can i do i easily become angry with anyone on a small thing i want to get out of it help me plzzzzz
When you become anxious the thinking part at the front of your brain can get temporarily sent ‘offline’. This is the part of the brain that is important for problem-solving, focus, concentration – the things that are important in an exam. It’s okay though because you can manage this. Follow the strategies in the article and when you start to feel anxious, breathe. It neutralises the neurochemicals that come with anxiety and will bring your thinking brain back online. You can get through this.
What a wonderful article. I’ve lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Its something I have always just delt with on my own. but my 13 year old daughter is dealing with it now and I had no idea how to help her. I just told her to breathe into her tummy while I rubbed her back. This article really covers all bases. And one of the most important reminders was to know that anxiety not something you have, like a disease, it’s just something that happens and you can control it with your mind. That was the turning point for me but nor until I was in my 30’s. Thank you for making this article available! It’s wonderful
Thanks Andrea. It sounds as though everything you have been through with your own anxiety can be a source of great wisdom, strength and understanding for your daughter. Encouraging her to breathe while you touch her back is a perfect way to support her. I hope the strategies in the articles are able to give her what she needs to move through her anxiety moving forward.
Hi,my daughter is 18, just finished year 13.In the process off getting a job.She decided not to go to uni.A few off her friendship groups are going to uni,which I feel is unsettling my daughter at the moment.She has been suffering with anxiety now for the last 2 years.Had problems in year 12 and 13 with friends and teachers.Thought her leaving school would be better but quite the opposite.She gets so angry,so up and down with moods.Im finding it hard to live with.She does talk to me and tells me everything to the point I feel I can’t breath as I have to take on all her stress.she had an interview for a job today,the lady interviewing asked if she was thick skinned,my daughter replied saying I think so because off issues I dealt with at school.The lady started asking what had happened at school,my daughter ended up breaking down telling her.So an anxiety attack during her interview.Which she now feels very ashamed with her self,as feels like she messed up the interview.Help needed please,thank you!
Speak with your daughter about the article. Help her understand what is happening and why she feels the way she does when she is anxious. The information can be a really powerful way to help her feel more in control. Encourage her to try the strategies in the article, but also encourage her to be patient and kind with herself. I know how stressful and heartbreaking it can be to watch your children struggling, but you don’t have to take on her stress. This is her growth, and you can’t do it for her. I wish we could, but we can’t. I hope the strategies in the article help bring comfort to you daughter.
I think I have anxiety.. it’s something that was never know about really when I was young.. you were just shy, anti social etc
I guess I managed to stay under the radar
Sometimes I feel my partner thinks I’m being awkward or difficult on purpose esp when he wants me to go out with his friends or ppl I don’t know! Infact I didn’t think it was anxiety until I saw some of these trates in my son over the years (he’s actually the main reason I’m writing here) he’s 12 and has such low self esteem and really bad separation anxiety, he’s away to scout camp for the weekend tomorrow and he’s been in tears all day, on and off. His dad gets frustrated and doesn’t understand why he’s being like it.. which makes him worse. I don’t know how to help him other than keeping him home where he feels safe?
He says he’s rubbish everything he does is rubbish , he says he’s depressed has nothing to look forward too, says he doesn’t feel real like he’s not really here?? I really don’t get that one? I’m so worried for him, I don’t know how to help him? Should I Go to the gp? Other days when Nothing is happening he’s great upbeat, raving about a new computer game and how well he’s done in it.. it’s like he’s up and down and only turned 12 2 weeks ago, i just don’t know what to do for the best for him, what do you suggest?
Sorry for the rambling it’s 2am and I can’t sleep
Many thanks Nikki
My 17 year old son just started his senior year. He has been dealing with anxiety, but never said anything about it until this week. I am hoping to help him use the techniques you mention, as he is hoping to not have to use medication. As a mom, I want to make all of this go away for him, and I worry about sending him off to college next year (sounds like I’m having some anxiety myself). Thank you for your article!!
You’re very welcome Angie. I’m pleased the article has been able to give you some strategies to offer your son. I know how distressing anxiety can be, but the important thing to remember is that it is not a sign of breakage. It’s a sign of a healthy, strong brain that’s being a little overprotective. There is great opportunity now for your son to learn the strategies that will help him tap into his strength, courage, resilience and resourcefulness. All the best to both of you.
My daughter is 15 and recently (within the last 6 months or so) began to have an extreme change in her moods and behaviors. She stopped caring about her friends/activities, has trouble sleeping, wants to be alone in her room, lies about doing things I ask her to do, and seems very down and angry. I have started her in counseling and she told the therapist that she has extreme social anxiety at school. She has refused to go to school twice already and school has only been in session for 3 weeks so far this year. She has also threatened suicide, and we spoke to her and the counselor about it. She said that she is being dramatic and does not want to die, that she just needs to express herself differently when feeling anxious. I also have an appointment for her to see our family doctor to discuss anxiety medication. I am not sure what else to do from this point. She is like a different person and I am afraid for her. I appreciate your article.
Kate I’m so pleased that you have started your daughter in counselling. The counsellor will work with her to give her the strategies and support she needs to help manage her anxiety. Anxiety can appear frightening – I really get that – but it is very manageable. It sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job of supporting her. If she is seeing a counsellor, and has an appointment with the doctor, just keep doing what your doing in supporting her and giving her a safe place to speak whenever she needs to, and feel whatever is there for her. Keep letting her know you are there for her. Anxiety can make people say and do all sorts of things that don’t appear to make sense. This is no reflection on the person, but on the strength and power of their anxiety. When the anxiety settles, this will too. Love and strength to you and your daughter.
Thank you for this great article which is written in a humorous style which teens can relate to.
My fourteen ur old son displays many of the symptoms and was reassured to know this is normal. We will be putting into practice the coping mechanisms and hopefully reducing the bouts of anxiety. Thanks again for this information.
I am so grateful for your article. It answers a lot of questions in my mind about my 15 years old daughter who is a Sophomore in high school. She has experienced sleeping problem and complained about dizziness for several days. We have seen our doctor twice and ruled out several potential causes. I am leaning towards to the belief that the cause may be anxiety associated with the pressure she put on herself to do well in school and go to a top tier college. Our family is a pretty open-minded family and respect the kids to make their decision as long as it is not harmful to them. But for some reason my daughter puts a lot of pressure on herself. I will read your article very carefully as there is so much useful information there. Thank you again.
My 15 year old son has anxiety with school, how do I get him to understand that he has it? He hates school, finds nothing good about it. Talked the school and they are doing nothing….seen psychologist, diagnosed with anxiety. Tried to get him to exercise but its difficult. But I do See major mood swing when he does. We talk to him and listen….any other suggestions?
With a 15 year old, all you can do is make the information available to them. I know how difficult it can be watching them struggle when you can see the things that would make a difference, but you can’t force anything onto them. Give him the information, and let him know that it’s up to him if he takes it or not. Sometimes, the more you push, the harder they push back. If you can see exercise makes a difference, ask him how to make it more enjoyable. Kicking a ball in the park? Joining a team? Going for a brisk walk every morning with you? Swimming? Rock climbing? Riding a bike? Also, think about offering an incentive to get him motivated to try the strategies in the article, such as exercise or mindfulness. Talk to him and make it part of a ‘new plan’, and let him know your open to his suggestions about implementing a new plan including strategies and incentives to get him on track. Let the incentives be logical, natural ones, such as if he exercises he can stay up for an extra half an hour at night, extra time with you … something like that.
Hi Karen,
I have a 14 year old daughter who is experiencing Anxiety. She just started school in 8th grade, her friend from last year went to another school. She has a friend now that she has known since preschool, but is afraid she or he will get tired of each other. She wants to find her group, she was late to one of her classes in the afternoon and she could not sit with her classmates and had to sit with the 7th graders, which gave her anxiety. She wants a boyfriend and feels alone. I share my experiences with her, and tell her to not worry about the future. She goes to a church group on Fridays and feels good with all of those kids, but at school she says the girls give her dirty looks and are not approachable. She worries about being alone. I try to reassure her, she will never be alone. I tell her you are fun, smart, talented and so loving. It’s so hard to see your kids suffer from anxiety. I dare her to go to school and talk to someone different, but she says it’s hard for her. I tell her when we go shopping to pay for her own stuff, she says Mom you can hold my money. When she is with friends she can do this. I’m trying to teach her to be independent, she needs to learn how to take care of herself, cook, laundry, writing checks, and balance money for herself. Right now I need to help her cope with this anxiety. I tell her to go to school and not to expect anything, and when she feels anxiety to breath, and tell herself it will be ok, this will pass. How can I help her more? I also experienced anxiety as a kid to. I started to run in 7 th grade and that helped me. I take her to the gym with me when she wants to go, it helps her. I know teenage years can be tough, but I want to be here for her.
Glenda I completely understand how hard it can be to watch our kids struggling. You are supporting your daughter with great love and strength – it sounds as though you are doing a beautiful job. Keep doing what you’re doing. The struggles your daughter is having finding her tribe and worrying about what her peers might be thinking of her isn’t at all unusual. Let her know that she isn’t alone. Here is an article that might be helpful. Take particular note of 9 and 10 https://www.heysigmund.com/the-adolescent-brain-what-they-need-to-know/. If you can get her exercising, it can really help to strengthen her brain against anxiety. Similarly, research has shown that mindfulness can be a powerful way to manage anxiety. Adolescence and anxiety separately can be tough, but put them both together and it can really be a struggle. Know your gorgeous girl will get through this.
Hi! I’m 18 and about to move into college in a few days. I’m very nervous about multiple aspects of it–missing my family and friends here, and the possibility of not making new friends while I’m away. It has been getting better but I don’t know how to calm myself down when I have a really big crying session. Distracting myself helps for a minute, but then my brain notices that I’m distracting myself and it makes me feel bad for trying to do that instead of just facing my anxiety head on. I think I will be okay once I am there, but I literally cannot calm down while I’m not. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do when I start noticing that I’m distracting myself?
Courtney it’s completely understandable that you are feeling anxious about the big changes happening in your life. This is just your brain putting you on guard – it doesn’t mean the things you are worrying about will come true, but you know that. Mindfulness can be a really powerful way to train your brain to be still and not worry about the ‘what-ifs’. Here is an article that will explain, together with some strategies that might help. Try for 10 minutes a day and work up to at least 20, even if you need to do it in 2 x 10 minute blocks https://www.heysigmund.com/different-ways-to-practice-mindfulness/. I hope this helps – and I wish you all the best with your college adventure. You’re going to be great.
Hi. My now 15 year old son has been an anxious child since as long as I can remember. Hes quiet by nature but is involved in all the relevant sports clubs in our area. School is no problem that we know of. Hes had good friend’s since pre school but lately I find hes alienating himself from them and has little to no interest in their company.
The main source of his anxiety stems for the well being of his 6 year old brother. He constantly pursues him around the house, neighborhood, playground etc and seldom lets him out of his sight to the detriment of his own social inclusion. Theres is other factors that cause him concern in a lesser capacity but his brothers welfare is really the core of his anxiety that we (my wife and I) are aware of.
Is it time to visit a GP, psychologist our other medical practitioner.
Im looking for any advice that you think may help our situation please.
If you are concerned that your son’s anxiety is becoming overwhelming, a psychologist might be a good idea to help provide him with strategis to manage his anxiety. At 15, there tends to be a lot going on that can make the symptoms of anxiety worse. It might also be helpful to speak with him about his worry for his brother. Here is an article that will explain how that can help https://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-anxiety-in-children-calm-anxious-brain/.
I usually feel lonely , depressed and fear when i’m alone and become feel conscious and inferior infront of people . I an introvert since childhood but now this is getting worse and awkward . This is happening since 4 months . I’m losing weight and my mom is really worried about me . Whats happening ? please help out this 14 years old girl
There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with being an introvert. At least half the world is an introvert, so you are in good company – I’m an introvert! Being an introvert comes with many strengths. Try the strategies described in the article, but it sounds as though what’s needed is a tweak in your mindset. It’s important to understand that you can feel one way, and act another. The important thing about this is, eventually, if you act as though you deserve to be heard or seen, eventually your mind will catch up. The key is to act as though you are confident, even if you aren’t. If you are an introvert, that is something to be celebrated. YOU deserve to be celebrated! If you are concerned, I would really encourage you to speak with a doctor or counsellor. They can make sure there is nothing else going on, and if there isn’t, they can help you with strategies. You can do this!
This article helped me so much and helped me realize a lot, I am 16 and got anxiety from a panic attack and struggling with depersonalization, I feel I am really close to being cured any advice you can give me to make me feel like I’m back in reality and shouldn’t worry anymore and also any other tips so I can feel normal again. Thank you so much for this article by the way.
You’re very welcome. Follow the strategies in the article, and be persistent and patient. It can take a little while, but you have everything in you that you need to manage your anxiety really well.
Hi
I really like your article.
My 14 year old daughter suffers with feeling anxious on residential trips, which is really hard as I not normally there to help.
she has trouble sleeping the first few nights and now gets so worried about it she starting to make her self feel sick from the minute the main day activities end.
The issue now is that its almost become a learned behaviour that she is going to be sick.
She generally recovers after 2/3 nights away but until then everyone goes through hell.
any suggestions
If you have tried all this and it hasn’t worked, what is the next step? Who do you go see first” Your GP? – I’m 18 so I prefer not to see a pediatric GP who mostly deals with little kids anxiety. who decides if therapy or medication is the answer? My anxiety is making me miss alot of work and I have to go back to college in the fall – and I can’t afford to fail classes because of anxiety.
First of all, it’s great that you can recognise when you need a little more support – we all need to reach outside of ourselves from time to time. A GP or a counsellor will be able to help you, and both will likely have different strategies. If you go to a GP, they may be more likely to tend towards medication. If you go to a counsellor, they will be more likely to tend towards therapy. If you’re not sure where to start, your college will have counsellors who would be used to dealing with this all the time. If you decide to try a GP, just be mindful that if your GP suggests medication, it’s still important to do the things suggested in the article to strengthen your brain at the same time, so that when you feel ready to come off the medication (which should always be done under the guidance of a GP), your brain will be stronger and more able to manage anxiety. Medication can be really helpful for a lot of people, but it’s best to think of it as a short-term strategy while you’re working on strengthening yourself in other ways, such as through mindfulness, exercise, gut health therapy etc. It can take time for non-medication strategies to start to show a visible difference (which is why medication can be helpful in the short term if your anxiety is becoming really intrusive) but every time you do something that strengthens you against anxiety, your changing the wiring in your brain and making yourself stronger and more able to manage your anxiety.
Thank you. I will keep this in mind when I go see my GP tomorrow. When I’m home and I have more time and no audience, I can usually talk myself down. I only need help when I’m at work or in class. They can only excuse my inability to do the work for so long…..
My 15 year old daughter is experiencing quite severe anxiety. She has shared with me that its the pressure of school that starts the anxiety. I am finding it really difficult to help her. Last night was one of the hardest. from 10:30pm till 1:30am she was inconsolable, going through every emotion i can think of. Anger, Self criticism, Scared. Nothing i said or done helped her feel any better. she just does not want to go to school, so she does not want to go to bed because she does not want the morning to arrive. There are no issues of bullying, she is doing well in school, always completes her homework. i have spoken with the school who are referring her to the psychologist. but i just would like some tips to help me deal with it
Emma I completely understand how difficult it can be to watch our kids struggling, and wanting to do anything to make it better. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and acknowledge what she is saying. Anxiety comes from a brain that thinks there is something threatening or dangerous. Research has shown that when high emotion is acknowledged, it can help to soothe the nervous system – ‘I can see how upset you are. School gets hard sometimes doesn’t it. I get it.’ In that moment, there is nothing else you can do. The strategies in the article will help, but they’ll need time to work their magic. When she is distressed, acknowledging the emotion will send the message that you understand and that she’s safe. Here is an article that might also help https://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-anxiety-in-children-calm-anxious-brain/
My child is at camp having separation anxiety. She has had since a baby. She is crying at night having trouble sleeping pretty typical of her. But this time she is crying on and off during the day. That is odd and not normal for her. It is the first day. Do you suggest I go get her?
I completely understand how distressing it is to hear that your child is struggling – I’ve been through it myself – but it is also so important not to move in too quickly. I would be guided by the teachers on this. This is an opportunity for your daughter to discover her own resilience and to learn that the things that feel frightening or worrying, often aren’t. Moving in too quickly also risks stepping in the way of her learning that her anxiety is a feeling, not a prediction. She has what she needs inside her to cope with this and it’s important that you believe that enough for both of you. Sometimes the loving, well-intended things we do that feel as though they are supporting our kids can actually be feeding their anxiety. Here is an article that will explain that further https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-children-parents/. Her time at camp will end, as will her anxiety about being away from you. The question is that when it ends will she have learned that she can do hard things, or will she have learned that she can’t.
On my last comment I didn’t write anything for you to help me. I used to be the happiest person ever two years ago, I had a great group of 15 friends and we had get-togethers every single week. But as time went by my friends started drifting apart and I was left the only one still fighting for the group to stay together. Now the only 3 people that still are in the group are on relationships and I’m not, I feel lonely. I don’t have a best friend because she lives on the other side of the world and we don’t talk that much. I’m constantly sad nowadays, tired and I have a lot of trouble sleeping. Plus I’m always looking for excuses so as not to go to school but I end up going so as not to stay at home alone(two of my three friends of the group go to my school). I’m always covering my schedule so I don’t leave time to myself and feel bad. Moreover I’m writing this at 1am on a weeknight when I’ve been crying for half an hour. I am even questioning if my psychologist is helping with anything.
Hi, Milena – you sound so much like my daughter. Same with the friend group breaking up and drifting off except with the relationships — that can leave you feeling not only alone but like there’s something wrong with you for being alone.
Except there isn’t anything wrong with you at all. I’m nearly 50. Sometimes in life we’re alone, and sometimes we’re with other people. For most of us, those tight groups where we all understand each other — these come and go. What’s important inbetween is understanding that being on your own is not the same thing as being nobody. The world is full of things that perhaps you care about, and these quiet times are your opportunity to go and engage with them and grow there, become more yourself, more of who you’ll be.
If you have a camera, maybe this is a time for going outside with it and walking around, wherever you are, and framing what you see in ways you find interesting or profound. Or maybe it’s a time for becoming involved in a cause you care about. Reaching outside yourself now, and connecting with something else you find in the world that calls to you, is probably a good idea.
Feeling bad is also not a terrible thing sometimes if you can get to know it, describe it, find what resonates with it, write about it, make music and pictures about it, express it articulately in some way. Losing a big group of friends is a big deal! Of course you feel it. But allow yourself to feel that and get next to what you’re feeling, really know what it is. I don’t think we ever really “move on” from big losses — we carry them with us, and they become part of who we are — but they do fade and become less important in your life, next to other things.
Trust that there will be friends again. There will be. In the meantime, don’t be ashamed or worried about being on your own. I meet so many people who are afraid to go do things on their own, so they do nothing — please don’t do that. Be brave. After a while you’ll think nothing of it and may even find that friends’ demands on your time feel a little excessive because there are things you want to do by yourself.
And exercise, even if you have to push yourself a bit to do it. Definitely a good thing for all sorts of reasons.
Big hugs —