The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.
Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.
The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad.
The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but.
Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’
The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.
The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.
The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.
Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.
Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.
‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. ‘And it does tremendous damage.’
It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other.
‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical.
When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems.
It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner.
The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’
Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger.
Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied.
Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks.
Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.
Being ignored is just as powerful.
[irp posts=”810″ name=”Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It”]
Wow, very interesting article.
I just got married 2 months ago and was engaged for a year. My husband now uses silent treatment for 3 days to 2 weeks. He walks at home like i am invisible to him. i made it clear in the past that if i prefer an honest confrontation rather than an awkward silent. I used to be a bad communicator myself but since i got married, i improved myself a lot.
last incident that got him in the silent circle again because i didn’t approve of buying our first car due to financial issues. he knows that both of us aren’t making good money and we have other priorities for now. He totally ignored me for 2 days now, although i am going through midterm exams and i really need to focus. this is the second time he does cause problems while i am having an exam. He knows how much earning a degree means to me and i refused to get married at first because i did not want a distraction in myself right now.
The house seems dark and boring when he gives me silent treatment although i tried approaching him. is there any way i could solve this problem without losing my dignity. i read a lot of articles and most of the authors say that i need to initiate the conversation. i did and it didn’t work and i won’t do it again.
I could not live like that. Perhaps you should separate if he will not stop or get some counseling with you. One of the two needs to happen. It sounds almost like he has trapped you with the whole marriage thing and now he is trying to control you. You need to focus on getting an education and taking care of yourself. Not some creep who tricked you into marrying him to control you. He will be back if you left him. I promise!
You are absolutely right, a week ago i asked him to leave the house if he is not willing to put efforts in communicating fairly. I told him that i tried every way possible to get him back to his sense and that it hurts me finding out after marriage that he is not a responsible husband although he claimed to be one during our engagement. He simply packed his stuff , returned his ring and left just to find out that he went celebrating work Xmas party in a club 24hrs later and i received a pic of him from a friend dancing with another woman. I was in total shock knowing that he didn’t leave because he needed space or to rethink about our marriage issues, instead he went clubbing. I texted him the pic and told him that now i realized that all of his immature behavior after just 2 months of marriage was a clear sign that he wasn’t ready for all of this and i just wish he didn’t insist on getting married. i Asked him to keep his distant because i am starting divorce process. Now i am planning to go for a vacation to restore my strength and patience, And i guess i will give him till the end of December, if i don’t hear from him, i will simply file for divorce. It cuts me deep inside, i wish i have answers, i wish i know the meaning behind this shift just 2 months after marriage. We planned our future together even the name of our future kids but i guess it’s time to stand up for myself and let go.
Hey! I’m relatively in touch with my emotions and like to analyze them to figure them out. My girlfriend and I are very happy together and I love her to death but when something happens that I’m unfavorable about, my immediate response is the silent treatment and I don’t like it. For example, she gave me a choice for option A (something I’d prefer not happen) and option B (something I’d prefer her choose), she asks me what I prefer and I tell her to pick what she wants and reassure her that it’s fine, but then my natural response is a lesser form of the silent treatment (speaking briefly and vaguely and not very often) and its not so much with intent to hurt her but more or less I just don’t care to communicate. I’ve done research on it to figure where the emotions lie and from what i understand it falls under Mad>Hurt>Distant. Why do I do this? Is it to feel in control? or do i get some subconscious satisfaction over knowing she wants to talk to me so I do it out over spite or vengeance? Anyways, I’d like to know how to fix it because shes very very awesome and I know she doesn’t deserve it. Anyways, like I said, I don’t get upset with her and I know I have no right to, but I just dont want to talk to her after an unfavorable choice of hers.
my boyfriend and i are from different backgrounds. He tends to say things that i think are rude when we are arguing, i keep on telling him to watch how he speaks to me. We were having a heated discussion yesterday about him always trying to get me off the phone, we kept on going back and forth until he cursed at me and told me i talked too *** much. I disconnected the call and haven’t answered his calls since, even after he called my housemate
s phone.
Am mother of two children a, me and my children, father are not yet married cause he still in univesity he has be telling me to be patient he has never supported me with the children before recently when I give birth to our second born he did try to help but later said that the first born is not his son I was very angry that I stop talking to him, but late then I called him to help me with money to buy medicine which kept promising that one month and half is when he told me to go and take the children,s medicine I was real angry that I rceive to go cause the children were feeling well already …..i bought the medince myself cause he didn’t bring the at the time I need them, right now he has showed me another child whom he had with another lady…..am so confused because he has been promising me to be patient wil get married when he finish school but what about the other lady with his child? Am so angry and sa right he are not talking like we use to he has gone silent help me I dmt know what to should countining calling him and texting or keep silent until he comes back
He gave me this ultimatum during a very difficult time in our relationship. If I blocked him again, he would never talk to me again. I have blocked him maybe once or twice before this last time. He pushes my boundaries, and I block him in response. I blocked him out of anger and frustration. I told him it’s my way of calming down before I say or do something stupid, and I always get back to him within less than 8 hours, but this time he is done. I still believe he seems to just be angry with me. I can tell he has these expectations and standards, wants for a relationship, but when I ask he never told me what they were, he always wanted to tend to my needs instead. Now he is angry and refuses to talk to me. He stopped caring about me. He has this horrible perception of me that does not make sense to me even after a year now of being ignored. The problem is our relationship ended abruptly to me (maybe not to him, but I didn’t see it coming). I always thought we would always at least be friends or intimate partners. Instead, he just doesn’t care and he hates me completely it seems. He does not want me or need me in his life in any way whatsoever. All I want to do is keep trying to talk to him and work it out, which has made everything worse, of course. For some odd reason, I find it very difficult to enter another romantic relationship or take the relationship seriously if I do try. I can’t get attached very much anymore and I can’t feel as strongly anymore for another no matter how hard I try. I miss the happiness and hope I feel when I think I found someone I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. I think the experience has created an insecurity. The way our relationship ended and the way he went from caring to complete disregard for me has left me… I don’t know. Lost. I guess it does not help that being ignored and avoided as a way o end the relationship with me is somewhat common, but I guess for some reason he was the final blow. No matter what issues we had, I knew we would always overcome and work them out. It felt right to be with him; perfect. Now, he doesn’t respond to me at all. We’re nothing. I am sure he loved me and cared about me very much, but now I realize how easily it can stop. I wish he could kiss me on the top of my head and tell me he is sorry it didn’t work out between us, but that he wishes me the best in life. The fact that he doesn’t care at all or want me in his life in anyway, just took away all hope. I am not sure what hope it took away, but I feel like love is fickle. It is a joke that walks away without regard. It leaves me stranded, lost, confused, and left to recover on pure will alone.
He did tell you what he wanted. He set a boundary. He said if you ever blocked him again, he was through. He gave you several chances when you did it to him but you ignored it. You were warned.
Your defense is that it is your way of calming down. To him it is a rejection and cruelty. The first few times he was relieved he had you back but after getting slapped a few times, he could not take it.
If you told someone you were allergic to chocolate because it made you horribly sick and cry and then they made you eat it, how would you feel toward them. That is what you did to him. Another man might not be upset but that is the way he is.
I personally would break up with someone that did that. It is called the silent treatment. If you can’t control what you say to them and have to block them then you have to learn how to control your tongue. You have to learn how to use feeling sentences like “I feel frustrated now, I am sorting this out.” Or “wow I feel sad and bad, I want to fix this and the answer has not come to me yet.” You have to learn to keep talking feelings even if you feel upset. You have to learn to say those things in a calm, level way.
He wanted to stay connected and you cut him off.
So you have a choice, learn to just state your feelings in a calm, adult way or keep going the way you are, cutting off people when you are mad. Children do that and mother always loves them still, but you are a grown woman.
A grown woman who is capable of talking about her feelings. You see if you tell him I feel mad, sad, bad, hurt about this or that, you give him something to work on and many times they will come up with a solution. For instance if you go to a party and he leaves you alone you might say “I feel abandoned and hurt when you walk off immediately and start socializing.” And then be quiet and listen for his answer. If he is quiet for a long time then say “it makes me feel happy when you staty with me for 20 or 30 minutes, till I feel comfortable.” Then you be quiet. Wait for him to think about it. If you express a feeling about feeling bad, be prepared to say what makes you feel happy. He was concerned about your happiness but how could he make you happy when you cut him off. And when you really love someone, being cut off is agonizing, even if for 8 hours which is in reality a whole day to us.
Realize you are in a tennis game with him. You send a serve and see if he sends it back. He sends one back. But you walked off the court. You made him feel the way you do now. So what can you do now? Well you can date a man that does not care if you block him when you are upset and takes your silent treatment but you two are not going to be talking about what is important. Or determine in yor heart you are going to change so this never happens again and despite feeling upset you will keep the door open to someone you love.
Love does not end pretty. You are left alone without a goodbye, kiss hug or comfort. You have been left alone to recover on your own. IT IS ALWAYS THAT WAY. And do not fool yourself with the friends choice. Its just a way to hang around someone and pretend you are friend, when in reality you are still in love. A womans emotions do not flip in a second, from love to “just friends.” He might even sleep with you and you think you are back in love but in his head you are just friends. This is called a demotion. Men are very capable of doing this.
Either he will come back and give you one more chance and you can tell him you want to change your behavior or you can date another man that does not mind your behavior.
It has been a whole year, that is very, very strong message. Obviously he had strong feelings for you. I do not know if this is retrievable. In a short note you might want to say something like “I miss you, I loved the time I spent with you, it meant the world to me. I know now that I hurt you by blocking you. It was not right and I apologize from the bottom of my heart and I will never do that to you again. I will always keep the lines of communication open to you. I wish we could have another chance together.
If you attempt to communicate with him be prepared for no answer which will be your answer. Its very tough and painful but if you can look for what part you played in it and learn from it you can know in your heart you have a better chance of a man loving you forever.
Hi So My Situ is a little different because Im not Married, the lady and I arent technically dating but whats going on with us is bothering me so bad. So Last year I started talking to this Woman with the intent of being just Friends with benefits. It was something we had both agreed upon. She had just recently got out of a 4.5yr realationship and just needed a close intimate friend I needed the same cause I was going through some things myself. We Didnt know that The chemistry and energy between us would be so strong, which made us both go “Whoa” we cant do this right now.. So we pretty much spent the last year trying to build a solid foundation so that if in the future we decided to go forward with something we would have something solid.. Well here is the issue I was under the impression that she was just dealing with the break up not still in contact with her ex. Whom she says she is Still in love with.. She then goes to being celibate, and now just wants a friendship ” nothing more” claiming she is just focusing on herself but ironically moved 8 min away from the ex.. I suggested we cut ties because from day one its been intense however, Ive basically bared my soul to her and she pick and chooses when she will open up saying that she never had anyone she can have a back n forth dialogue with.. Says im one of the Best things that have happened but then Ignore my text, respond days later and then ignore me again.. Its so frustrating.
My boyfriend of 4 yrs sends me text saying he wants to be free and it has been a week since i been able to reach him. He won’t return my phone calls or text messages! We have a 3 yr old son together…HELP
Dee I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s a painful and confusing thing to go thgouh I wish I was able to bring your boyfriend back to me, but that is in his hands. I understand you have a child together, but it sounds as though he has been clear about his commitment to the relationship. You deserve more than he is offering. At the moment, things are cloudy and confusing, and it’s very understandable that you just want him back, but really think about whether or not this is the sort of relationship that you can be happy in, that is good for you and your son.
Respect his wishes and give him your blessing he will be back he needs some time out as odd as that sounds to you think of it as man and his cave time thing is though when he returns don’t make it so easy and comfortable for him to walk back in and try and stop contacting him this will make you feel vulnerable
Hi, I have been “dating” this man for over five years. He has a very disabled son, who is vent dependent, has a g-tube, in a wheelchair and needs 24 hour care. The reason why I am writing is because he “disappears” on me. I will text him, call him, email him and there is no response. This lasted for the whole month of February 2015. He never really has a good explanation, but states that he gets overwhelmed by his son’s care and he shuts down. He has told me that he hides because he doesn’t know how to respond to me when I ask him why is he doing this? It also seems like whenever something happens in my life, he disappears and provides no emotional support, for example December 2015, my dog needed to be euthanized. He knew this and I didn’t hear from him for days. My birthday was two weeks ago…..I had to CALL HIM and then we got into an argument. I haven’t seen him since before my birthday and he is rarely available to talk to me. He always says to me that he wants a relationship with me and he wants a future together, but if this is true, why the blatant ignoring of me? He often blames the lack of communication on his phone, stating that he lost it, it broke, fell in water, battery died, etc. I leave to go on vacation tomorrow for a week and I don’t think I am going to hear from him. I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me and wants a future with me and then can completely shut me out of every part of his life. He has stated that we always do better when we talk things through and see each other regularly, but then he does this kind of stuff.
Please help me….I am getting desperately sad about this.
Tammie he is saying one thing and doing another. Believe his actions more than his words. A relationship where one person ‘disappears’ for days at a time is unsustainable and very one sided. It’s understandably hurtful and confusing for you when you are being told that you are loved, but when his actions tell a different story. I understand his circumstances are stressful, but it is unreasonable to expect you to carry this relationship on your own, and to have your very important and very valid needs overlooked.
Decide what you need – that’s setting your boundaries. What’s needed is a really clear conversation about what this actually looks like – daily contact, no extended periods where you can’t get in touch with him for example. You will have plenty more of your own. Decide on a few key ones for you and let your partner know how important they are to you. Hopefully he will be able to respond in a positive way and change his behaviour in a way that is more nurturing for your relationship. If he isn’t prepared to do what he needs to do to keep the relationship safe, secure and nurturing, it is for you to decide the direction you want to move in. If he shows you he is unable to change, the decision for you then is to decide whether you can surrender your needs (and I would wonder about the impact on anyone of surrendering important needs) or whether it is best for you to leave. I know this is a hard decision, but it’s an important one. I can hear how open hearted you are with the way you love him, but it’s important to bring your head in as well. I wish you all the best.
I don’t how to stop shutting my boyfriend out, I stop talking to him and avoid eye contact. It reminds me of when I was little and used to get in trouble with my dad. Please help thanks (:
Julio if there is something leftover from your childhood that is making it difficult to connect with your partner, a counsellor may be really helpful for you. They will be able to explore with you the memories or feelings that come to you when you make eye contact, which will help to stop them getting in the way of your relationships.
Please help me. My best friend/ husband/lover of almost 17 years. Just shut down and shut me out. He has never done this. We never fought. We laughed, loved and were still very intimate. He just moved out to ” do his thing, make himself happy’ cause of my negativity over the years ( not to him or at him, but my over all self and life). He has even closed his facebook ( which he was one very Often). Are we doomed? What should I be doing. Most say leave him alone and fix you? Im trying but i love him so much. we told eachother that daily for over 16 years.
It sounds as though there is such a lack of information about what’s going on here. It will be difficult to know what to do until you know what you’re dealing with – what he wants, what’s driven this, what he wants from you. If he is unwilling to give you that information and work on the relationship, this is a clear message for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this – it’s sounds so painful and confusing for you.
Hello , I had a great friendship with a girl who works with me since one year our friendship is strong but day after day I liked her and loved her, before 3 months l noticed that she is replying my texts lately so I asked her if she doesn’t like me because And told her that l can leave this job and get another if she is doesn’t like me , her answer was 🙁 No ,that’s not true , l don’t have any negative feelings for you. I’m just busy with my work and studying and caring about my family) .
Note : Our friendship after work is secretly because our company’s rules are not allowing the employees to contact each other after work .
After that some people started to make rumors about me and her that we are in love which makes her avoid me at the workplace to stop them. That’s made me sad and I told her that I love her and I wish to get married to her. She replied:( I m sorry I’m not thinking about marriage theses days, but you will still my best friend ) .
I felt so sad and broken. After one week she said ( lm in a relationship ) .dont send me anymore ! .
I shocked and said: Ok I won’t send you or call you you won’t see me again , l deleted your number you are always ignoring me and you don’t care to my feelings.
She said ok thanks!
I stopped contacting her for 10 days then I felt weak l could not continue and I sent her an apology message.
She answered me quickly thanking me for my nice words and said I appreciate your nice words. I felt she was waiting me to write her and she was regretting for cutting our friendship suddenly without any reason. Before one week she told my best male friend indirectly that she is not in any relationship and she is single and my friend told me that directly. But now she is not respond to my messages fir that l discided to stop texting her, last message was 8 days ago, to give her a space and to protect myself from hurt when I don’t reserve answer. I can’t understand her! Why she changed and stopped, is my offer to marry her was wrong? I love her so much.
I feel regret because I told her about my feelings because she stopped talking to me .
What shall I do please?
It sounds as though your friend has been very clear – she is not thinking about marriage. If she is not responding to your text messages and has said that she does not want a relationship, give her the space she has asked for. I understand this is hurtful, but so is chasing someone who does not want a relationship. There will be someone out there who will be ready and willing to return your love, but perhaps this is not the one.
Thank you so much.
But what is the best way to treat her especially she is working with me I’m seeing her everyday I can’t handle it when she makes herself don’t know me.shall I ignore her ?
I stopped contact her since 9 days hoping her to contact me. I wish I could have another job to forget her . When she stopped even saying good morning to me i feel bad Why all that? Because I told her that I love her? I wish if she kept the friendship at least. Her treatment makes me upset makes me feel guilty! And regret . I m giving her a space.
I know that she is honest she is studying and caring for her family and she wants to stop the rumors about our friendship at the work sorry I m giving myself a hope.
I’m not young lm 38 years old .and I had had an old story with a girl that she refused my love 10 years ago witch makes me feel so bad please any advice any help Thank you so much again.
Be cool you react to how she is with you if she is quiet then so should you be try not to volunteer any information about your personal life and don’t sweat either all will work out in the end you may even get a suprise me and my ex live in the opposite ends of the city I would be so happy if I could work with him so no don’t change your job well I wouldn’t anyway what I would change though is your image
Hi! I’m worried and I’m not sure what to do, me and my lesbian couple had a little fight because she was not ok with me taking my mom to the beach for her birthday, I’m a little bit guilty because i answered: just let me be, with attitude, she cut me off and well it’s been 2 days she won’t call me nor text me, this is how she is every time we fight, it could be a nonsense but she does exactly the same, I don’t know if I should call or text her, I used to in the past but I’m tired already of being always the only one who wants to work it out although I still love her
Try 20+ YEARS of it. It’s a wonder I haven’t killed someone or myself
By now.
Doesn’t mean I’m not a hair away though bc I REALLY AM ABOUT TO DO SMTHNG DRASTIC
Kim I completely understand why you would be so frustrated after 20+ years! It’s a lonely, frustrating, confusing thing for a relationship to go through for so long. If you do something drastic, let it be walking away, or hauling your partner into relationship therapy, if you can.
I’m in a similar situation iv known my now ex husband for 14 years we started of as good friends then became more after being friends for the 4 years we were like best friends by then we got married quite quick after we got together I divorced him because of stupid reasons which I regret deeply but after being together 10 year I ended up with cancer our communication broke down he left me the end of May this year for someone else we have a daughter who he brought up with me she is now 12 I believe he is my sole mate since he left we have been intimate many times he tells me he loves and misses me but I don’t understand him as he won’t leave this other person till he has his own place were I still live this was our home but we did argue a lot more to do with his family trying to break us up I do get he needs his own space as he has always been that way I knew him before we got together so I knew what I was getting into I know his flaws and I accept him that way we are still best friends and he can talk to me know sometimes space is good to appreciate what u had or have don’t get me wrong it’s bloody hard but I just get on with it xx
oh Yes, he holds grudges and I never new about it. he would get angry about something I said or did, and never communicate with me about it. He would just punish me holding up on sex or not coming to see me because he was mad at me, yet I had no clue he was mad, because he never shows. I always treated him with the most up respect and he did all in his power to destroy my self esteem. I think he will do it to the next and the next. he told me he will never get too close to anyone and the only woman he wants a relationship with is his (wife) or ex wife, since he is separated but shared the same house. go figure the shit I got myself in. No comments on this one. I know I am a total full. I believe most most women would call him now to see how he is doing, but he ignored my birthday last year, never gave me a Christmas gift he told me ordered, and he ignored my birthday with was last week, so I will not call him to find out why he is not calling me. I need to get some strenght somewhere to move on. I really need to and not let this bring me down, Some days really hurts and some I think he a jerk, inconsiderate A—hole. It is hard to lose your boy friend and also to feel you never meant anything to him, just bacause he is mad at you because he got offended for his new woman.
I’m so sorry this happened to you my fiance is currently not kissing me or doing much of anything not interested in taking part in anything with me anymore and we live with each other barely talks to me awkward silence all day in the same room and we argue so much it makes me want to pull my hair out some days other I cry other days I get angry other days I do stuff around the house just to not be around him all day and I can’t take it anymore and he always takes off without telling me anything and it’s like he’s living a single life while in a relationship with me and it is very hard so it is painful yet angering and i feel alone I feel like I’m the only one holding us together keeping us together ianymore end like im the only one who fights for our love anymore but he’s an ignorant asshole and aggressive yelling violent with his words as well but barely talks to me but gives me orders do this do that so I don’t know I have migraines every day and it’s due to his bs im tired of it but I still love him idk… All I want is him still no matter what I don’t know why I haven’t said something or why I even put up with it I guess it’s because I would feel guilty for kicking him out because if isn’t here he would be homeless that’s the biggest reason why I still put up with his shit I think. Idk… So if it helps to know I’m going through something with my fiance supposed to be soon to be husband and baby daddy all in one as his baby mana it hurts a lot but I’ve been putting up with it for almost 2 years now so I definitely understand. Your not alone. Many women go through this daily but it feels like I am what about you? Do you feel alone in this mess too?
Hey your comment really resonates with me. I’m going through the exact same thing. How are things now with your fiance?
Speaking from divorce here:
NOTHING is worth this misery. Getting out is the best course of action. I know you didn’t ask me, and I know it’s not fun to hear. (If someone had told me before I was ready to hear it, I would have balked at the idea.) Even if you aren’t ready to hear this, I’m going to say it again: Get away from this relationship as much as you can.
YOU are worth more than the silent treatment.
YOU are precious and important.
To Jasmine and MaryLouise:
Mary Louise gives good advice. You do deserve more than what you’re getting and if you stay in this relationship, it will NOT get better. think about the big picture, you do not want to raise your children in this kind of relationship. If you do, then they will settle for less in their relationships….
My husband will start yelling at me and shouts that I’m yelling and I’m not. I’m usually sitting there in shock that he went off on me for no reason or I’m crying begging him to stop. Today is our anniversary. He told me at midnight he is no longer in love with me after yelling at me and walking away from me and stonehedging me again. His pattern is to throw his fit, tell me I’m living in the past, when I try to talk he stonehedges. He blames me for fighting when he’s the one fighting and I’m the one crying.
Geeezz- my heart goes out to you. I remember those days. So painful!
I hate to tell you this but- he will NEVER change
Your way and his way of love do not add up. Was he raised on love or survival?. I have found throughout the years that men raised on survival are less likely to care about their wife’s/ GF feelings and it’s much more about “how they feel”.
Not sure your age but there are soooo ment men out there who will treat you right! You wouldn’t allow anyone to treat him the way he -treats you. Therefore, pour into yourself as you would him! Don’t allow him to treat you this way.
You’re not getting any younger! Best of luck!
Hi kc
Your comment intrigues me when you stated that men living in survival mode tend to be less nurturing or compassionate. I’m experiencing this right now as my husband is Jamaican and I’m American. We had a fight and he has now blocked me from any communication and giving me the silent treatment for 2 weeks now. He also blocked his mother n law… which he was very close with. Why do you think that men in survival .. tend to be less empathetic?
My husband hasn’t spoke to me for months because I closed the phone on his face .he’s making everyone in the house nervous..I have no financial support I have nowhere to go …I tried talking to him but he totally ignores me.
Do not marry him!! Leave! Many reasons, main one he is a narcissist and you are experiencing abuse.
I can relate. I was just trying to know what I am feeling right now. It’s been 50 days of my marriage and he is giving me all sorts of silent treatments. I just wanted to be sure if the pain I am feeling is real.
I don’t know how someone that says I love you will be giving me a silent treatment because we had a fight, this is the fifth day my husband chose not speak to me, he sent me a long text message telling me he is sorry and still defending the reason for our fight, but when he sees me around the house he does nothing, in our marriage am always the one to apologize or solve our silent treatment, but am tired I feel unloved, I feel like am the one trying to make things work, how can a husband apologize to his wife through a text message, what do you want me to do ? Come to him as usual. I feel pain in my chest. Please I need help
Wow Same, But the only difference with me is its only been a month since we got married and he never apologizes. I’m the one sending the long I’m sorry message since he don’t speak to me and almost beg him to talk to me. And after he make me act like a crazy, and after I finished all my patience with him then he apologize. and this happened twice since. And I honestly am tired. And I hate going home at this point. I even doubt if he know what love really is.
We have been through some rough times thought it was my fault then found text from husband to ex saying should have been her and she’s looking great. I confronted him and we are trying to put things right but when he shouts at me I can’t cope and shut down so does he so we just end up not talking don’t know if we should both just move on
We have been through some rough times thought it was my fault then found text from husband to ex saying should have been her and she’s looking great. I confronted him and we are trying to put things right but when he shouts at me I can’t cope and shut down so does he so we just end up not talking don’t know if we should both just move on
Wow! I am in the same boat here. My ex boyfriend is a manipulating jerk and always told me what to do and how to do. He does not accept that I disagree with him. He is always right. His ways are the only way. He said horrible things to me. Things like, “you talk too much, you have no communication skills, you have no self esteem, you lack confidence, your self esteem is in the basement”, yet he is the one that set the pattern of calling me every day and evenings and go on talking marathon, yet he said he called me not because he likes to talk, but because I had the need to talk as if I do not have girlfriends to talk too.
He lied and cheated constant and when realized he was always hunting other women, I confronted him. He broke up with me and maintained called friendship. He left me for a 32 years old woman and he is 52. Doing one of our conversation I mentioned that his new girl picture on fb was a little risky, that her dress was very short. He took as an offense and said I said she dresses like a whore.
he got very offended by. In another conversation a week ago, he mentioned that one of my friends did not like him, and I said, she does not like you because you did not treat me right. he asked if she talks about him, I said not really, she refers to you as (fake name here) Dana’s sugar daddy.
He has not called me since and is giving me the silent treatment. He is the one that wanted to keep the friendship, now he is acting like I am dead. I in the other hand will NOT call him to say hello or find out what is up. His feelings got hurt, but he always hurt me and never apologized. when I mentioned that he is cruel with his words and he never apologized for being so cruel and put me down, he said “I was never cruel and I did not disrespect you, I did not put you down”. It is one’s perspective. So I will take the silent treatment and his next victim ( the new girlfriend) can have him all for herself, because eventually his true colors will show up. When he feels threatened by another man in the woman’s life he hits her hard with his words, putting her down, making her feel devalued. he is insecure, but also a perfect faker. he makes you feel it is all your fault.
When people show you their true colors believe them. My best advice: cut him out if your life entirely. When he comes back which may or may not happen make sure you are already in another relationship. Let the anger go, just forget about him. While you are angry he is having fun. Stop hurting yourself. Heal yourself, do the things that bring you joy and ask the good Lord to give your soul inner peace. All the best!
I’m 62. I’ve be put up w his stupid silent shit for over 40 years. We have not had any fun in a long long time. Don’t be me and hang in there because it doesn’t get any better and you will find yourself old like me and regretting u didn’t give him the boot years ago. He WILL NOT be “homeless” if u kick him out. Believe me. Give him the boot.
I agree with you. I’m living it, silent treatment and my boys pick up his way he speaks to me. Get rid of him now. Don’t have kids with him or get married.
Snap. Been married 40 years. The last silent treatment lasted 6 months. He is currently ignoring me again. He stays in the bedroom and doesn’t come out only to make a drink or food. He withholds money that he normally gives me for food. I can’t take anymore
Am going through the same thing but from a long time friend who has been doing this for a long time it hurts me every time but this time it feels like its frying my brain it hurts really bad… My story with this guy we started 10 years ago we were very intersted in each other but due to being in 2 different parts of the world we couldnt be involved romantically even though i love him with all my heart so we decided to stay close friends he is my other half that i told him evrything n think he did story started we talked for about 5 month n than he decided to stop talking to me out of no where he blocked off… So i moved on with my life 3 month later calls me again tell me how much he misses me we sarted talking again told him how much i wanted to be with him he shut me off again, i was so hurt but i picked my self up and moved on again i meet someone else who is good to me i got engaged to that person i was so happy n out of now where my dear friend calls after 9 month claming he want to check on me tolld him about my new life he was very apset, screamed n fought but didnt work i moved on with my life even though i wanted him, after a couple off day of him fighting me because i was getting married to someone else he called n said he was sorry n we should be friends n we keep in touch i said ok but he cut my off again blocked off all his social media like am nothing i was very hurt but again i go on with my life got married changed my phone # n 4 years gon by no problems(even though he never left my mind) 2011 my son was 1 year old he got a hold off my phone started to call ppl n he called him i took my phone n hung up really fast hoping it didnt go through since it was an overseas call but i was wrong he got my # now he kept calling me and sending messages asking me to answer n he miss me i finally answered we talked and started being us again talking about our problems n he cant find a girl anyways we talked like that for about 6 month and out of no where he just stopped talking to me dont answer my call or my messages blocked me again i was hurt so bad but i kept on going with my life… A year go by nothing from him n than in the end 2012 he calls and texts so pick up again we talked helped him with his problems talked to him when he needed a friend but i started to have feelings for himbut never told him in sept 2013 he decided to leave again leaving me wondering what did i do for to stop talking to me but i kept going i got pregnant that year and in 2014 had another baby boy life is good n he pops up again to check on me i kept it short with him if he text i text back thats it which it was cool in 2016 i went back to visit my family back home where he is from told him that iwas coming for the summer and we decieded to meet up hang out wich we did i fel for him got realy close and emotionally attached ? before I came back to the states i asked him not to cut me off like always n he said he wont now am home he called me the next day i came back talked and hung up saying talk to you tomorrow… Tomorrow came the day after came no calls no text a week went by so i text he ignored me took all day to answer but i can see he is online finally when he answers he is short with me i kept asking if everything is ok n he answers busy i asked him if we can talk he said no so i gave him his space n told him I’ll try later but am being ignored it been 2 month n am gettin the silent treatment its killing me i dont no what i did wrong am thinking so much that i have a constant headache am trying to move on like everytime but its harder this time i dont no what to do
Hello, I found this article very useful. I was the recipient of silent treatment by a friend who happens to be my colleague as well. This is not the first this has happened in our relationship. Two years ago, she gave me the cold shoulder and a bare minimum (if not less) of a professional behavior. After six months or so (possibly due to loneliness or I don’t know what), she changed and became quite friendly and we were friends again for a year or so (when we were friends, her silent treatment was never addressed). Deep down, I was afraid that one day she’s going to give me the cold shoulder again, and sadly that happened four months ago- history repeating itself. The reason was because I walked in to her office while she was eating her breakfast and I invaded her privacy. I went to apologize to her twice but she gave me the cold shoulder. I am tired of this and cannot risk approaching her with the possibility of her stabbing me for a third time. Since she’s my colleague, it’s painful to greet her every day (I don’t want to), but I keep it professional and nothing more. One time, when we were on friendly terms, she said that her knee jerk reaction is to dump all her friends if they do something wrong, but she’s trying to change just so she doesn’t lose friends. I found that comment very disturbing; it’s as if relationships for her are all about her needs and not a healthy give and take. All this happened while this friend is trying to get her license for counseling patients…I cannot stand silent treatment in relationships…
That’s me being described.
I entered a relationship with a long time friend like 3 months
ago. he seemed promising n mature. he was loving and we shared a few great moments. before leaving for home I suggested for a hook up but he declined saying he was moving out to a new house. so I left for home and due to unavoidable circumstances I extended my visit n gave him an explanation. when I came back he never seemed interested. he was cold n I had to push him to talk to me. he never suggested a hook up n I started getting stressed. 3weeks went by no phone call no texts. I decided to call n he never picked up. it was a frustrating moment I felt terrible n told him everything that I had carried in my heart since he started hurting me. I’ve chosen to move on but it really hurts. silence is my greatest enemy especially wen it comes from the person u love. I’m trying to move on but it’s just too difficult, it’s hurting to be left without explanations….
Hi flowy am going through almost the same thing but my story i have been friends with this guy for 10 years living in different countries from the beginning we showed interests in each other but being in diff parts of the glob we decided to stay close friends. But let me tell you from day one he was doing the silent treatment crap he started loving caring sweaping off my feet and 3 month later he stoped talking to me for no reason i call no answer so i let go stoped calling 6 month after he call claming he want to check on me and he missed me we talked worked everything thing out talked for a month same thing happened so i move on i meet a very nice guy we dated n we decided we are for each other so we got engaged now my dear friend after a whole year of not talking to me he calls n say he loves me tolled him its too late i met someone and am getting married he sreamed n fought but it was lat we said our goodbyes and i changed my phone # got married lived happily for 4 years one day my son who was 1 year old at that time got a hold of my phone n started to call ppl on my phone some how his phone # was still in my phone even though i thought i deleted it my son called him i hung up really fast so hoping that it didnt go through since its an overseas call but it did now he has my # he keapt on calling me n i didnt answer but eventually I answered we talked n he told me how much he missed being friends and he want to stay in touch i let him we talked for about 7 month on and off but not ignoring at the end of the summer he went crazy comparing him self to my husband n getting jelouse of him n he cut me off again 2 years later he calles we talk get attached cut me off a gain i got pregnant that year with my 2nd son after i had my son he calles to check on me tolled him had another baby he was nice and happy for me we keapt on checking on each other for a year and half this summer i went to visit my family back home where he lives we decided to meet up and hang out we were both exited, we did we met up hung out few times we did kiss ?(didnt want to but it was the heat of the moment) tollled him it meant nothing n i have my own life which we both agreed now i come back to my house n before i left i asked him not to give me the silant treatment when i go back n he said he wont i fly back home to my normal life he call me the 2nd day to check on me i was happy to hear his voice talked n hung up n said talk to u tomorrow, will tomorrow comes and day after comes i text i get ignored i keap on texting asking what is wrong and why he wont talk n he answes with one word busy so i give him his space but with every day it was hurting me so bad that am so depressed crying everyday miss him like crazy n all i want is an explanation why he treat me like that its been 2 month since we last talked i texted him 3 days ago n he ignored me tell u what it hurts really bad it feels like i got hit by a train i feel like a loser for trusting him
This is part of what completely just dissolved a close friendship of mine. I approached my friend about cancelled plans, feeling pushed out and he start becoming emotionally abusive after not being willing to hear my side. He then started pushing blame on to me because weeks later of his actions I got upset. I was understanding and patient. He kept name calling. I stated he was being manipulative and we ended up having a huge argument because I was hoping a close friend of his could talk to him and get him to understand. After that I was ignored, told he hated me. He refused to talk to me to the point 3 weeks later I sent a letter basically saying thanks for the memories and I wish you the best if you get in contact I’ll know you want to try to fix this friendship and I closed out some of the things we argued about, why my views are as such. I grew up in a physically and verbally abusive bad home situation and I sent him and article that described how people like me tend to function/adapt. I thought he didn’t understand. Long story short. Silence continued for a bit. We tried talking but he was constantly picking fights, I no longer heard from him. We talked every day for 3 years prior to this point. He was my best fried and simply changed into someone cold, callous, manipulative and honestly looking back I missed some of the red flags due to thinking it’s a British mannerism verses American. We always talked things out previously.
That fast though.Weeks of not talking. Then starting arguments to disappear just as fast. I stopped arguing back with him. I took some space and put distance between myself and everyone for awhile. I deactivated social media. I started dealing with childhood flashbacks which is why I contacted his friend to begin with. It was becoming toxic and more then anything I wanted him to see he was hurting me. He’d contact me every few days, then less. He made sure to use things I wrote in the letter against me including a certain girl that he’d tag on Instagram in post right after starting fights with me. He implied I was the crazy one/obsessed/bad at communicating yet I was the only one trying til he kept blaming me for getting upset. The last time we spoke was labor day. He accused me of sleeping with a friend that I posted a picture of since we hung out earlier in the day.
I responded that I wasn’t hes a friend but even if I was it didn’t matter nor would it be his business. He said I made the convo akward. Refused to talk to me after that. When I tried changing the subject he refused and disappeared. Last week he now blocked me on instagram. I sent a message just saying you blocked me? I would’ve removed myself it’s a bit excessive and I’m not sure why you did. He read everything, no answer and blocked me completely on whatsapp too. I haven’t chased him, argued. I honestly thought space and whatever he was so ticked at me for would resolve our arguement. I have never felt so hated in my life. There is no explanation. I simply stood up for myself and against his name calling, then he acted like a child with name calling, comparing me to others. He said I’m too sensitive, crazy, and one day it was build me up and the next break me down.
My best friend changed and I guess I’ll never understand why. I wont contact him on Skype (I don’t think I’m blocked there) and he deactivated fb soon after I did with mine. He even muted the convo on their at one point when we were arguing. I pushed to talk and communicate.He knew silence is a punishment to me and he always said I was wrong yet…clearly I wasn’t. Sorry to babble. I’ve been dealing with nightmares, issues sleeping and after 6 months of this treatment I’m not over it, used to ever feeling this broken. Which says a lot. Everything I was reading pointed to him having narcissistic tendencies. His ego took a hit when I messaged his friend. I didn’t say it was the best choice on my part, I apologized but he wasn’t listening to me and I thought one of his friend he was able to keep plans with would help. Instead it made it worse and I became an enemy he wanted to destroy.
Hi,
I have a a younger brother who is outright rude. He keeps tapping his feet when I am speaking with somebody else.
He instructs me rudely in front of guests and visitors.
My wife gives gives me silent treatment and tries to change the topics of what I am talking about.
My children donot talk or receive any phone calls from me.
I am therefore wondering how to deal with this situation.
All this has been going on for a while.
The main reason I see is i stopped financing their activities. I caught my wife’s lie about taking classes at the office. In fact she was not there at all. When I called her on cell she would not answer. When she did call she told me she was at the classes. I was standing right outside her classes whose door was shut. Since I confronted her with this fact she and kids have turned silent.
Communication is key with relationship issues. It’s important though that when you talk, you are also prepared to listen.
I am separating, and the unecessary silent treatment and manipulation and verbal abuse is why. Just today I told him not to touch me since he continues to bark at me, ignore me, always say he he had nothing to say to me when I ask for him to talk to me like he talk to others, and I asked him to stand up for me when his family and our child disrespect me but he won’t, and to stop saying mean things micromanaged me all day long. He knows I am the type of woman that can’t let an abuser touch me, due to my childhood abuse. He refused to realize it’s wrong. I asked him why do he want to stay together if he doesn’t have anything to say to me, and feel the need to get nasty and mean to me any time he feel like it, and that the group I am in says it is not right. He then goes on to get real smart and I said “you don’t have to get smart, and ignorant” and he said “I can get smart with you if I want to, I got freedom of speech, I can say what I ever I want” and I said “well I can to, I am tired of your disrespect, and after countless weeks of it, I am on edge now, and you can to hell, ” and then he proceeded to play victim, and then gave me the silent treatment and then turned the valcuum over my voice but turned it off when he wanted to say something, when I finally decided to discuss separating. The fight today was the last and I realize he could very well be a narcissist and I got fooled that year before we married. I have spent a few years now ignored, insulted for no reason, even physically abused, neglected, and stonewalled when ever I go talk to him about it. I got so tired of his abuse I started telling and insulting back, and even putting up my fist first. He has walked out stonewalling me and in another room bashed my expensive things though he abused me! My nerves are shot and I am going to need to see a doctor about it now. I am planning to leave by summer of 2021 and have moved in a spare room and will have a schedule that will be set to avoid him.
I am getting out, and I am actually cut him and his family and our adult daughter off from my life. They all support his abuse, and pretend not to see it or hear it.
Hi Wifem, I am a 38 year old, have been in my relationship for over 11 years now, and when I look back I realise I have been making something work, and I should have to spend time trying to make a relationship work. More especially alone. My partner lies about everything, that is how they get other people taking their side, narcissists. He lies about simple things, and I wonder what else he lies about. So I have 3 kids, two are with him, our son turned 6 yesterday. I made a decision a while back to leave, but his manipulative ways and lies are so advanced that I am still there. I bought a house and was planning to move out, I still own the house. But I thought things were getting better, I rented it out. But his silence I can’t stand. We have not had a proper talk, as partners for four months now. And every time this happens I have to be the one asking him to talk to me. He punishes me with silence yet he wants to touch me:( I moved to a guest room, which is super cold, I ended up sleeping with the kids. We walk past each other in the house like we are in a commune place where house mates hate each other. This is a man who never did anything for me, he will never help me with anything. I feel like I live alone even when things aren’t so bad. You can never ask him for anything. He is so selfish that I am wondering, why did it take so long to take a stand. To leave. I think it was because I had hope, I just simply did things for myself, raised my kids. I wanted nothing but a happy family for them. But al I gave them was a screwed home. But I am in a process of buying another house, close to our community, for the kids school. As the other one a bit far. And I am moving. I do not expect support from my mother, his mother and others, this s not for them or about them. This is for me, about me and my sanity. If you are going through this, it will not change, he will not wake up and be a completely changed person. Especially when things do not go his way, he will be bitter and sulk. He will make your life miserable. He is only happy when things are in his favor, but that is not how life works, and when we have bad days, we do not make the people we claim to love pay for it. And you can’t claim to love someone and be jealous of them. When I decided to stay after buying my house and that was at his request, and persuasion. He became jealous of the fact that I have a house and tenants who are paying my house. Yet, I helped him put together flatlets and he earns multiple rental incomes from my brain child. But, no, he is counting my earnings. He complains, about the fact that I sold my first and second cars, and has a problem with that. Apparently the second car was helping him when he visited his family, he has his own van, has a paying job, but he wants things that I procure. He doesn’t want to do anything for anyone and even for himself. You must do it. If you are not using it, he takes it. And then, its his. I think that we ladies really need to start loving ourselves. We seek love in wrong places, when you love yourself, you know what you are worth, and you won’t accept less than what you are worth.
This has been a great read and it’s a real comfort to see what other people have gone through and that I’m not going mad. I believe my ex has been emotionally abusing me to the point where I have now been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. After years of me apologising re our break up we were back seeing each other again only for me to find out he was seeing other woman at the same time. When I confronted them and him he made me feel like I was psycho and manipulative. I have explained to him why all this hurts me. I have finally told him about my depression and I honestly thought he would have supported me but instead he is giving me the silent treatment when he knows how hurtful I find this. I know I need to move on but I’m finding it very hard.
It’s completely understandable that you would find it hard to let go, even if you know that moving on is the best thing for you. It will get easier. Keep moving forward with strength and courage and remember why you’re moving on. Your needs are very valid. You have everything in you that you need to find a happier version of your life.
I know what you are going through it hurts really bad i miss and want my best friend back i wish he would under stand
Hi Louisa, I hope you finally moved out of that hurtful relationship. wish you good health
I’ve been married 7 months. Periodically throughout these months my husband wakes up in the morning withdrawn. He gives me the silent treatment all day. It happens about once every couple weeks, randomly. When I try to talk to him, he has a look of boredom on his face as he very briefly replies with as few words as possible, in a clearly irritable mood.
He works night shift and I work from home. Despite us both being in the house together, he’ll manage to spend the whole day as if I’m not here at all. I used to pursue him to please talk with me about the problem, but I’ve finally stopped doing that. I handle it by pretending as if everything is good. For example, I’ll warmly tell him, “Lunch is on the table honey”… He’ll reply with a disgruntled, “No thanks” and I’ll nicely say, “Ok honey” and go eat alone.
Today is another one of those silent treatment mysteries. I’m sitting at the dinner table after a while day of irritable silence from him. I just ate dinner alone while he sulks in our bedroom with the door closed. I’m never going to have a clue what I did wrong. I’ll rack my brain to uncover any tiny miatake I may have done or said, or anything I should have said or done, but failed to say or do….and will remain mystified, confused and feeling helpless. Then tomorrow my husband will behave as if there had been no day of rude silence, and so will I…. because I don’t know how else to handle it.
Lily this sounds lonely and confusing for you. Sometimes there is nothing lonelier than not being able to connect with the person you care about. I’m sorry this is happening this way for you.
Thank you for this very inciteful article. Right now I am on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment from my husband. We had a horrible fight last night. He’s been working away from home for over 7 years and now he,is temporarily out of work. I know that this is not easy for him at all because he is a motivated hard working man. I have been on holiday from work for two weeks and I honestly thought we would be spending some proper time together instead of snatched weekends. Instead he’s pretty much done his own thing and while I don’t object to it I am resentful of the fact that if I suggest we do something together I’m met with apathy and disinterest. Also he keeps saying we need to be careful about money. Well I appreciate that but I never said I wanted to go out every day spending hundreds of pounds.
Any way this all came to a flash point last night and now we are no longer speaking. He won’t even look at me. I have no idea how long this silence will go on. It happened last year after a fight and lasted 5 days! It breaks my heart because we should be acting like mature adults and not immature ones. Every minute of the silence feels like an hour and takes with it some of the love we should be sharing. I just don’t know what to do.
I totally relate with whatever is written in this article. Me and my husband are married for 4 yeas now and I have been a victim to this silent treatment so many times that I have lost the count. We love each other alot and express it too but everytime we get in a fight where I get mad or angry and wait for him to apologise or have some realisation, he simply backfires and gives me the silent treatment and picks on everything which is wrong with me. He flips the entire situation and makes me feel guilty and in the end I am the one apologising and begging for him to talk. This silent treatment used to last for weeks in the initial years of our marriage though the number of days we go without talking has reduced still it makes me feel too insecure and miserable. Those days when we aren’t talking ,my life seem to be in a mess, it’s like I can’t get anything right , can’t sleep at night , every minute is like an hour and after every fight I vent out how hurt and sick this silent treatment makes me so my husband goes like he suffers too and I’m not the only one suffering. I love him alot and so does he but I am always in this fear that what if this silence never ends rather ends us , maybe I am being too negative but this silent treatment kills me. I hope he stops it and understands how painful it can get
Thanks for your post. I think i need to let it out. I met a guy on my holidays back home. We hit it off. he worked as a Diplomatic in my home town. I am Asian and he is from the state. after I went back to the country where I live and work,he visited me twice. We had a great connection. and he said He will no longer work in my home country and he got transferred to another country soon. I felt so sad and tried not to attach him emotionally. But he said he will visit me again. after he went on holidays back to his home in the state, He still tried to help me for my school applications which he encouraged me to get scholarship in the US. we said we missed each other. I stopped texting him for one week coz i didnt want to disturb his family times and he reached out to me later But just before he moved to another country for diplomatic, he changed not texting me a lot or he sounded just a friend. I initiated conversation a few times. my last time was I let him know that i was not selected for scholarship. We started talking about it and I told him I would move back to my home country and try another times for scholarship. Then he ignored me totally on messenger and I saw him online sometimes but never reached out to me. I felt hurt. after over one month we didnt talk, I uploaded my new pic on facebook and he liked it. I dont have any idea at all. ? I felt so hurt but I still could control my feelings and never confront him.
WOW! Spot on article; thanks for sharing Karen! I might be the first guy/husband responding on this matter. My wife has a very tough time expressing her feelings/emotions. I am just the opposite; I need to have that emotional connection through consistent communication. This situation was coined by a marriage counselor we use to see as our “vicious cycle.” My wife would ignore me and sweep everything under the rug. I would put up with it for as long as I could until it overflowed in the way of disparaging remarks on my behalf. And then it will start all over again. Childishly I wanted her to feel the pain that she caused me by ignoring me and always walking away. There is no excuse for my response mechanism and I am working hard to change that behavior. One area where this article provides me relief is in the description of how the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising. In this situation, I have been labeled as this horrible husband that verbally abuses my wife for no reason at all. I understand there is no good reason to verbally abuse anyone but it has been so hard to explain to others that what my wife does is abuse as well, its just hidden. 7 months ago, my wife served me separation papers at my workplace and when I came home she had left with our 3 kids. After all this time she still refuses to talk to me about “US” and will only discuss matters to do with our children. I have tried everything I can pleading with her to attend counseling with me and she has refused. Every time I have asked if there was hope on saving our marriage she would respond by saying “Did I file for divorce?”At the time of separation she was pregnant with our 4th child. Our new baby girl was born Aug 19th and all seems to be heading to divorce no matter how much I want to prevent it. What I continue to struggle with is how she can be silent for this long while everything is falling apart in front of us. This has to be the worst breakup of all time; silence.
Wow…. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m going through the exact same thing with my husband. It’s going on 3 weeks where he hasn’t talked to me at all or answered any of my messages. We are roommates living in the same house. This hurts so bad. What ended up happening in your marriage? Were you able to resolve the artiste and make it work? Hope things are good for you.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 6 months. I love him so much. But the silent treatment is killing me. Every few weeks we will have a silly argument. Then he goes quiet. I give it a couple hours and try to talk to him. But he won’t speak. This goes on for 48 hours. He won’t look at me or talk to me. It’s as if I don’t exist. Makes me feel so unwanted and unloved. He won’t come near me. All bcoz I said or did something he didn’t like. Or I didn’t agree with him on something. I even apologize but that doesn’t help. Is this abuse?
My husband of one year, goes days, sometimes a week without speaking to me. I have health problems because of it and finally decided it’s not worth a heart attack. I will be leaving him and I am very sad about it. I would discuss it with him but guess what – he’s not speaking to me. It’s not like I didn’t have some warning. He was like that for eight years before we married.
Hi Karen, my goodness – what an incredible read. Thank you. (As is the case with your other articles too).
I’ve been married now for 36 years, and we have a daughter aged 28. Both my husband and my daughter use the ‘silent treatment’ when we have issues/arguments, after which my husband will carry on (a minute, an hour or a day later) as if nothing happened. My daughter will give me the silent treatment for weeks, and then on a nice day, she will simply carry on as if nothing happened. none of the arguments and issues have ever been resolved and I’ve yearned for resolution, sorting things out, ‘closure’. I have always felt ‘abused’ by this and thought I was ‘playing at being the victim’ and I felt guilty! You have brought insight and perspective to my feelings. Thank you.
Nicole you’re so welcome! I’m pleased this has been helpful for you.
I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. We are madly in love. There is a passion and a connection between us that I have never felt before in my life. In fact four days ago that was his text to me “I love you so so much. You are the most incredible woman and I am so lucky to have you. I’ve never felt anything like this.”
A couple nights ago we got into a brief argument. It was brief because he hung up on me and hasnt spoken to me or returned a call or text since. This was not a blow out fight. We have had much larger fights in the past and he has used the silent treatment after those as well. I could make sense of why he would do that after those fights but this one just seems like a major over reaction. I don’t know if he was possibly feeling too vulnerable and like he didn’t have the control in the relationship and this is his way of getting it back or if he is just done with me and I will never hear from him again.
I am in so much pain right now. We usually talk at least twice a day and text all day long. So going from that to nothing is killing me. I’m physically ill. My heart is constantly racing. I have lost four pounds in two days. I haven’t texted or called since early yesterday morning and I don’t plan on reaching out again. I think that’s what he wants from me. For me to beg him to talk to me and tell him how wonderful I think he is. Well I have done that and I can’t do it anymore. It doesn’t seem to be helping,
He has done this to me 3 times prior to this fight and he always came back after four days or so. One time he did say he wanted to end the relationship and did. He came back to me two days later. I’m afraid this time he won’t come back.
I don’t think it’s possible to be so connected and in love the way we were just two days ago and then just walk away. I am hoping he is just trying to get his power back and control the situation as opposed to leaving. If he does come back I am prepared to insist that we work on this kind of fighting.
It’s extremely scary and sad for me right now. I just want the person I love so dearly to come back to me and pick me up in his arms and tell me it’s all going to be ok. I mean it wasn’t even a week ago when he told be we were made for each other. He has to come back! Right?!
Hi Kit wow what you just said is exactly how I’m Feeling. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have a three year little girl together. We would have little fights or really intense ones and he would walk out but after about an hour he would call say he was sorry and we would cry together and say how much we love each other. My boyfriend has schizophrenia and drug induced psychosis and has been on medication for it for five years and while on it is the most beautiful unbeilable wonderful boyfriend. He would tell me all day how lucky he is that we’ve found each other and make me promise I would never leave him and I would make him promise he wouldn’t leave me and how if we ever had a fight he would always come home to me. My boyfriend has been drinking about three to four times a week for the last seven or eight months and three out of the four times my kids and I would be walking on egg shells being careful not to upset him! While he was getting drunk he was great fun but when he was drunk or coming down from it he was really mean some of the time. The last time he drank was the 24th October and he was horrible, the next morning he woke up seen how upset I was and promised he was going to give the alcohol up. He went so good but I could tell how angry and adjitated he was getting, on the Saturday night we had a great night we sat in the lounge room and watched a horror movie and laughter and talked as a family and then we got into bed watched a movie and other stuff, we had a real nice night together. I went to bed at about 4.30 in the morning and took a sleeping tablets about 5 my boyfriend woke me and told me he was having bad alcohol withdrawals but I couldn’t keep my eyes open as I took the sleeping tablet! He started to call me all sorts of names and the last thing I heard was were done I’ve had enough. The next morning I got up just thinking we would talk and work it out but it has ended up being the most horrible day of my life and each day that has followed. Our air conditioner had blown and we had been waiting for the warranty guy and the dogs had pulled our Wi-Fi out from under the house. So we had no air conditioner no Wi-Fi and it was a real hot day. He woke up asked me to sit with him and then my daughter came in said the lady that was pulling our weeds was ready to be payed he said your not seriously going to go I said I’ll be back in a minute I can’t leave her waiting well I got back and he was packing his bag I said what are you doing and he said I’m leaving I can’t do this anymore! I said do what? he said I want to drink I don’t want to give it up I want to drink. I said your not seriously giving our relationships for alcohol and he said yes I Am. He asked me for a lift I dropped him at a guy place I thought he was going to cool down but by 11 that night I hadn’t heard from him so I went looking for him and was told he got on a train to Sydney. I rang him eight times and left him a text but he didn’t answer the phone and he didn’t answer the text. I am beside myself I’ve lost so much weight I can’t eat I can’t sleep all I do is panic. Two days later our little girl wouldn’t stop crying for her daddy so I sent him a text and said can you ring her I won’t answer the phone just talk to her and tell her you love her because she keeps saying she wants to die without her daddy but he never texted I even told him in the text what she said and obviously it didn’t faze him. My Dad and mum have tried to call him and he won’t answer the calls. He has been off his medication for three weeks and two days and still hasn’t contacted us not a word. Not even a text to say he’s ok! I have just found out he’s living with a guy he used to do drugs with which he is apparently good friends with but hasn’t spoken to in quite a few years. Every day of my life I am consumed with the feeling of the unknown I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling and I’m so scared the love of my lifemy soul mate is out Ther ed not on his medication and not wanting to come home I miss him so much my heart aches in pain. When he’s not on his medication he turns into a different person he’s cruel and selfish and mean and just not the person we know. Ive only seen that person a few times and it wasn’t very nice. The nice guy I live with w AC nts to play video game SC and watch TV and just wants to be at home but this our guy SC thinks life’s a constant party and wants to act like ed a 23 years old. If he’s drinking and not taking his tablets he would more than likely becoming in and out of psychosis which is ruining his brain cells. I am only making assumptions because I don’t know what he’s doing. I just want him to come Home this silent treatment is so cruel it’s just heart breaking. The night before he left he used his last bit of credit and designed me a big heart and sent it to me. I just want my heart to come home
Ive been reading alot about silent treatment recently cuz ive been told i do that. And i have never seen it this way cuz i have never intended it to be a punishment of any sorts but me taking some time off the situation. If someones been hurling insults towards you or disrespecting you or your views or your charachter or constantly telling you that you are lying to them and you try to talk to that person and they just wont believe you so then what can you do? If your answers are just becoming thier ammo for more conflict? Hows that a punishment? You cant keep doubting someone and expect them to keep replying to you all the time justfying clarifying themselves. from my perspective its not the silence that kills you its those assumptions you make when the other person goes silent that hurt you. When you keep nagging a person over same thing over and over again how do you expect them to respond to you? If thats when someone goes silent then i guess it shouldnt be considered what this article says. I go silent when someone does this much too me that i am so hurt, i dont have words to express that or i have so much anger inside i know if i say anything i will destroy them and i know the things i can say so i chose silence over it. To bear all that rather than hurting someone i love with my words. You can choose to view silence as what you want but there are two sides to it. I dont know my point of view is psychologically acceptable or not but i have never gone silent intending to hurt someone but rather save them from my self.
Many people who use the silent treatment don’t intend for it to be hurtful. Anything that shuts down communication or stops someone in the relationship feeling heard will eat away at the relationship. Given what describe, it is completely understandable that you would want to withdraw. It sounds as though neither person is feeling heard or understood, which is where the problem is. The way you conflict may be more him armful than whatever it is you are conflicting about. This is something you can work I but it will take a commitment from both of you. Try having a conversation where you each talk about what you need to happen in times of conflict. As your partner what is needed from you to make it less likely to escalate, and explain what you might need. It’s important to be open and kind and loving with each other while you do this. If this is difficult, and it might be, a counsellor can help you both to move forward and find a way conflict without hurting each other.
I couldn’t have said this any better myself. I have been accused of this my entire life- but I have ALWAYS been made to feel so bad about myself cause of everything I do wrong or am too stupid to know. It isn’t a matter of doing anything to anyone but myself. I am not worthy of anyone so why talk to anyone. It only makes it worse. I wish I knew how to be a better person, but I don’t and being silent is living proof
Dear J
It seems in your past that you have ‘been made to feel so bad’ as you said. People have hurt you badly. You are not wrong or stupid as no-one is wrong or stupid. We are all souls and here to learn – from our past. It is true what you know most of all that it ‘isn’t a matter of doing anything to anyone but myself.’ People have hurt you badly. You have been made to feel not worthy so ‘why talk to anyone.’ I hear you and understand you because I believe so many, many, have hurt you badly. This is not you but always, always, a reflection of them. They are always, always, projecting/acting out what is inside of them. They have been making you pay. I have been there too, many, many times. You are a better person. You are here questioning when your abusers are projecting and blaming and accusing and devaluing you. They are not questioning. They are not better people. Keep questioning – all of your past and you will see that every person who has made you feel so bad is because they are bad. You will likely find their behaviours are wrong and the more you think about others actions and begin to make sense of their narcissism (in this worldwide epidemic) you will find more and more of their behaviours that are simply – abusive, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually abusive. It seems to me by your self-blame and your heartache (I hear because this has been me too and I am 48 years old now, an author of this stuff) is not you but I have no doubt if you search your past and you search your soul, you will find it is all the extreme and severely covert mental disease around you. It seems to me that your being silent is a normal response to astounding abnormal environment. It seems like me, we have been silenced, shut down, shunned and discarded – all traits/acting out of the narcissistic personality disorder (this epidemic of the early 21st Century). When you have finished thinking and feeling on your past and others actions enough to try (just a little at first) again. Try with a person you either don’t know at the cafe serving or the fellow student at college or anywhere and at each little try I have no doubt you will be sure to be heard, a little at a time, like baby steps moving forward again from all the insidious and covert abuse you have endured in the past. Today after being silenced until my 30s, more and more and more people began to let me finish whole sentences and now they ask me questions wanting to know more. It will come if you keep trying after you have learned the most important truths – it is not you. You are not wrong or stupid. You are worthy and important, already a better person and I hope you remember this and tell yourself every single day. You are a soul and every soul is worthy of being respected. You can email me anytime at if there are any questions you have.
My husband and I have issues with communication especially if one or the other feels picked on. My husband sulks for days where ae I say what I want and then get on with life. . You’d think after 24 yrs together we would have sorted it out by now. I. Have been through several sets of therapy for my issues from my childhood abuse, but he hasn’t as he does not think of his childhood as abusive. Is hard when one works at their problems but the other tries to stay the same.
Thanks again for yet another thought-provoking and great article. This article has once again highlighted to me the reasons for the breakdown of my second marriage – I don’t have such a good track record in close relationships!
Although I was determined to make my second marriage a success, I quickly discovered that a successful relationship is determined by both parties and no matter how hard you try, sometimes it just is not possible to make it work.
During our marriage, my now ex-wife criticised me in every single area of my existence until, throughout the last year we were together, I went to sleep every night wishing I wouldn’t be here in the morning and woke up disappointed and depressed that I was. There seemed to be no way at all that I could make her happy, no matter what I tried, and my love for her was hit every time a new criticism arose.
I found myself staying up later and later every night in order to avoid intimacy with a woman that I realised didn’t really love me – I find it amazingly easy to read faces and emotions, down to the smallest of micro-emotions, so I readily recognised the times I’d disappointed her once again.
Obviously to me, this made it very difficult for me to discuss anything with her in a productive way and so I always would shut down. I just didn’t know how to put across my viewpoint without upsetting her or feeling angry at myself for allowing myself to be walked all over; this would make me feel used, un-affirmed, unloved and unworthy, and I suppose this led to a fear of communication in any sort of potentially conflictual situation. So I began to think of any communication as potentially conflictual and stopped communicating altogether.
I honestly wish your website had been active during this time (or, that I had known about it, if it was) as it would have been a huge help in getting my mind functional and able to cope with these conflicts in a manageable and productive way. I hope a lot of men read this site as well as women, as I believe you help many men to understand themselves more and in such a positive way too.
Thanks so much Stan for sharing your story. You’re absolutely right – sometimes people grow apart and all of the love and commitment isn’t enough to get the relationship back on track. It’s difficult to stay close and loving and open when you feel as though there is a constant hum of criticism – it really is poison for relationships. Being able to be vulnerable is so important for relationships and the connection between two people. Criticism chips away at that by feeding into silence and non-communication. What you describe makes so much sense. It sounds as though you have learned a lot about yourself and your needs, triggers and responses in close relationships. I love that. None of us are born knowing how to do relationships, and it’s an openness to growth and change that makes all the difference. This is what will lead you to something rich, wonderful and life-giving when you are ready for your next relationship.
I can relate to what you are saying stan. I commented something similar just now.
Hey Stan,
I just discovered this site as well and I can say I’m going through something similar to what you experienced back then.
Whenever I try to communicate with my wife, we end up arguing and being mad at each other again. I always feel like whenever I express myself, it always turns into something more sinister.
Now I just shut myself down, we no longer- this is the second week of silent treatment- we do nothing, but only take care of our daughter.
Hey Sigmund,
I come to you because I feel so hurt and confused, and I cannot even tell if I am being given the silent treatment or not. I honestly could really use your help and perspective; I’ve been trying to read so many articles online, just hoping I can figure out what happened.
Almost 2 months ago I started going out with a man I knew (and respected) from a few months back. HE treated me very nice, and things escalated very fast, much faster than I was feeling comfortable but I did not want to look at reasons to hold back; I was happy that I was living something so beautiful. In less than two weeks we were already talking about getting married and having kids, but not now, we wanted to see how our relationship was working. We were just happy to have found each other that we knew we want that longterm commitment and we both openly accepted to consider ourselves in a serious relationship, and to be faithful to each other. We also agreed to be honest and open to one another.
Like most men, he is very focused on his career and he told me that he has some professional priorities and it is important for him to know that I am by his side and support him. And I agreed, without knowing exactly what he meant by support. I did my best.
And things were going very well between us, we we are texting (he was too), in addition calling me at least 1/day and spending every weekend together. At one time he called me and said he feels bad for not always texting me back immediately and he dislikes this feeling, but he is just busy at work. And I explained I understand, and it is good that he explained that so I would know, and I still support him. Things continued in the same wonderful way until..
..until one week I felt he started pulling away; he was not answering my texts as much, no more “good-night my love” and only 3 calls in a week. Maybe that is normal for other relationships but it was such a big change from where we were coming that I got anxious about it giving that I had such strong feelings for him. I tried acting as if nothing had changed, and I also asked him a couple of times if he is ok, and he said yes, he’s just tired from work. At the end of that week we saw each other and I saw he was trying to behave the same but there were small things he was (not) doing or saying that were so different: his body language, our conversations, our plans changing for the 2nd day and not telling me, his lack of focus. I asked again if everything is ok, he said yes, I reassured him that he can tell me anything, he just smiled and that was it. After that I let it slide thinking that it’s best not to nag him. We said goodbye, and we were supposed to meet the 2nd day.
However, the 2nd day, just a few hours before our date he texted me saying he is not feeling well and asked if we could cancel. I told him that I hope he gets better soon and to call me when he feels better…but I feel crushed. The thing is that I was feeling there was something not right, that there was something he was holding back from me and with the entire week of him pulling away, I thought that he is trying to get some space from me. About 30 minutes after my text, he called me and tried to explain he couldn’t sleep and other things but again, I fell he was so distant and distracted so I decided to go to the extreme and told him that I care about him and his happiness is important for me, so if he needs the space to figure out some things or take care of some things he needs to take care of, he can do so…I could hear him say thanks, with a week, and absent voice and feeling that he is confirming to take space (from me) I added that I hope I will still be around by the time he is done needing that space. At that point he asked me what do I mean, but his voice was different, I could see I had gotten his full attention and he was colder as well. And I told him that what I mean is that if for example 2 weeks go by and he hasn’t given me any sign I would just think he does not want to be with me anymore and that I would just wish he would tell me what is going on inside him. At that point he just said “I will tell you surely” and we said goodbye…that was 1 week ago. I texted him 2 days later to see how he is doing (health wise) and he just said he is ok, at work and he will call me the 2nd day…but nothing. No message, no calling, nothing. On one hand I am a bit worried if he is ok, not he other hand I am assuming that if he wanted he would have talked to me, and at the same time I am also thinking if he is upset at me, and why exactly and so many other questions.
I want to talk to him about what is going on, this silence is not helping for sure our relationship and is not helping me. But at the same time I don’t want to ruin things by trying to cling onto him, or looking for him if he is not ready to talk to me.
I really don’t know what to think anymore and I don’t know what to do.
Any suggestions please?
Thanks.
Ella this sounds so confusing for you. It’s impossible to say what’s going on but there are so many reasons people might pull away, and many of them have nothing to do with wanting less of the relationship. He may be busy, tired, overwhelmed … so many reasons. The only way to find out what’s going on is to talk to him. If he assures you that there is nothing wrong, believe that until you have a clear reason to believe otherwise.
I don’t really agree. Sounds like this guy is has something he’s hiding. It’s quite clear from the fact that when you “gained his full attention” when you said you wouldn’t be around after a week. He doesn’t want to lose you. But he doesn’t want to give you his full attention either. If I were you, though it is hard, and you are attached which always hurts, i would continue on with my life without him. do things that feel good for you. Make room to be without him and most of all know your worth. Always. and stand tall and Walk away if you have to. You are better and greater than that and you always always deserve a clear explanation for things. If he was your husband of 6 years, than I would give him the benefit of the doubt. But judging by how fast this relationship has gone i would recommend you trust your gut and walk away
And if it does end up that he comes back and maybe he wasn’t playing you after all, you will still have stood your ground and walked away from anything that wasn’t serving you. The main intent here is simply to stand your ground and not wait around while someone else is in control but to take control of your own life by making it clear that you are not afraid of eating alone if you have to. This will not only force the guy to step up to the plate and stop whatever bullshit he is playing it will also weed out all the bad guys in gengeral and only by giving you only the very very best of the ripest Apple because simply, you will take no less
Thank you.
Anonymus this is exactly how I feel I should be doing, and I am continuing my life though he is in my mind more than I want to. In any case, I would really like to tell him that his behaviour these past weeks has been very hurtful and I don’t think we should see each other anymore…the problem is that I secretly hope that saying this will make him take a proper stand, but the risk is that he will just say “ok” and I’m afraid I will not be able to get over the feeling that I pushed him away and that if I wouldn’t have said anything he would have came around.
In the end he did call, Saturday. He confirmed he has ben thinking about our future, that he noticed some differences in our personalities, that he does not want to disappoint me or lose me. He asked if we can meet and discuss over dinner and that he will call me in a few days, after he gets back from a business trip. He hasn’t called yet since Saturday and again, I cannot stop thinking that back or not, busy or not, if he would have wanted to talk to me, or if he would have missed me, he would have been in touch with me.
Hi, Ella:
“I cannot stop thinking that back or not, busy or not, if he would have wanted to talk to me, or if he would have missed me, he would have been in touch with me.”
Boy, do I feel your pain.
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My husband has not spoken to me for over 1 week, yet he still uses my car. We have not had sex in 10 years there is no intimacy in our marriage
we have separate bank accounts and I do not know how much he earns. He is a heavy drinker but is never violent towards me.