Even if toxic people came with a warning tattooed on their skin, they might still be difficult to avoid. We can always decide who we allow close to us but it’s not always that easy to cut out the toxics from other parts of our lives. They might be colleagues, bosses, in-laws, step-someones, family, co-parents … and the list goes on.
We live our lives in groups and unless we’re willing to go it alone – work alone, live alone, be alone (which is sometimes tempting, but comes with its own costs) – we’re going to cross paths with those we would rather cross out.
With any discussion of toxic people, it’s important to understand that you can’t change anybody, so it’s best to stop trying. Save your energy for something easier, like world peace. Or landing on a star. The thing is though, when you do something differently, things can’t help but change for you. If it’s not the people in your radar, it will be their impact on you.
[bctt tweet=”Personal power is everything to do with what you believe – and nothing to do with what they think.”]
Co-existing with toxics means going around them to set your own rules, then accepting that you don’t need them to respect those rules to claim your power. Here are some powerful, practical ways to do that:
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Be empowered by your motives.
Sometimes toxic people will trap you like a hunted thing – you know you don’t have to give in to them but you also know that there will be consequences if you don’t. The secret is to make your decision from a position of power, rather than feeling controlled. In the same way there is something they want from you, there will always be something you want from them (even if it is to avoid more of their toxicity). Decide that you’re doing what you’re doing to control them and their behaviour – not because you’re a victim of their manipulation. Personal power is everything to do with what you believe and nothing to do with what they think.
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Understand why they’re seeing what they see in you.
Toxic people will always see in others what they don’t want to acknowledge about themselves. It’s called projection. You could be the kindest, most generous, hardest working person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out trying to convince you that you’re a liar, unfair, nasty or a slacker. See it for what it is. You know the truth, even if they never will.
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They might get worse before they leave you alone.
Think of it like this. Take a little human who is throwing a tantrum. When you stand strong and don’t give in, they’ll go harder for a while. We all have a tendency to do that – when something we’re doing stops working, we’ll do it more before we stop. Toxic people are no different. If they’ve found a way to control and manipulate you and it stops working, they’ll do more of whatever used to work before they back off and find themselves another target. Don’t take their escalation as a stop sign. Take it as a sign that what you’re doing is teaching them that they’re old behaviour won’t work anymore. Keep going and give them time to be convinced that you’re not going around on that decision you’ve made to shut them down.
[irp posts=”1086″ name=”Teaching Kids How To Set & Protect Their Boundaries (And Keep Toxic People Out)”]
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Be clear about your boundaries.
You can’t please everyone, but toxic people will have you believing that you can’t please anyone – so you try harder, work harder, compromise more. It’s exhausting. Toxic people will have your boundary torn down and buried before you even realise you had one there. By knowing exactly what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t – and why – you can decide how far you’re willing to let someone encroach on your boundaries before it’s just not worth it any more. Be ready to listen to that voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. It’s powerful and rarely wrong (if ever). Whether someone else thinks it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s right or wrong for you. Let that guide your response and when you can, who’s in and who’s out.
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You don’t have to help them through every crisis.
The reason that toxic people are often in crisis is because they are masterful at creating them. It’s what they do – draw breath and create drama. You’ll be called on at any sign of a crisis for sympathy, attention and support, but you don’t have to run to their side. Teach them that you won’t be a part of the pity party by being unemotional, inattentive, and indifferent to the crisis. Don’t ask questions and don’t offer help. It might feel bad because it’s not your normal way, but remember that you’re not dealing with a normal person.
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You don’t need to explain.
No is a complete sentence and one of the most powerful words in any language. You don’t need to explain, justify or make excuses. ‘No’ is the guardian at your front gate that makes sure the contamination from toxic people doesn’t get through to you.
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Don’t judge.
Be understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first. You can reject behaviour, requests and people without turning yourself into someone you wouldn’t like to be with. Strength and compassion can exist beautifully together at the edge of your boundaries. It will be always easier to feel okay about putting up a boundary if you haven’t hurt someone else in the process.
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Own your strengths and your weaknesses.
We are all a messy, beautiful, brilliant work in progress. Once you are aware of your flaws, nobody can use them against you. Toxic people will work hard to play up your flaws and play down your strengths – it’s how they get their power. If you’re able to own your strengths and weaknesses, what they think won’t matter – because you’ll know that your strengths are more than enough to make your flaws not matter, or at the very least, to make them yesterday’s news.
[irp posts=”793″ name=”Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them”]
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Don’t expect change.
You can’t reason with toxic people – you just can’t. That’s one of the things that makes them toxic. Decide where you stand, and then stand strong. You don’t need to do any more than that. They will try to make you bend, flex and break at the seams. Because you have an open heart, the thought that someone might misunderstand you, disapprove of you or dislike you might get to you, but remember that you’re not dealing with someone who is motivated by what’s good for you or your relationship. It’s always about them and it always will be. Decide that sometimes you’re going to make it about you. It’s what you deserve.
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Choose your battles wisely.
Dealing with toxic people takes an enormous amount of energy. You don’t have to step up to every battle you’re called to. For many toxic people, conflict is the only way they can connect. It’s the way they feel alive, noticed and important. Save your energy for the people who matter.
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Don’t be the victim.
People can be a pity sometimes, but you’re not one of those. Decide that you won’t be anyone’s victim. Instead, be the one with the boundaries, the strength, the smarts and the power to make the decisions that will help you to thrive. Even if they’re decisions you’d rather not be making, own that it’s a move you’ve made to get what you want, rather than to bend to someone else’s will. You’re amazing, you’re strong and you’re powerful – which is why you’re nobody’s victim. Nobody’s.
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Focus on the solution rather than the problem.
Toxic people will have you bending over backwards and tied with a barbed wire ribbon to keep you there. What will keep you stuck is playing over and over in your head the vastness of their screwed up behaviour. It will keep you angry, sad and disempowered. If you have to make a decision that you’d rather not make, focus on the mess that’s it’s cleaning up, not the person who is making your life hell. Don’t focus on their negative behaviour – there’s just too much there to focus on and it will never make sense to you anyway.
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Surround yourself with people who will give as much as you do.
You might not have as much freedom in certain parts of your life to decide who’s in and who’s out but when it comes to the ones you open your heart to, you absolutely have the choice. Choose wisely and don’t be afraid to let them know what they mean to you.
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Forgive – but don’t forget.
Forgiveness is about letting go of expecting things to be different. You’ll never be able to control the past but you can control how much power it has to impact your future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting the behaviour or approving of it – it means that you’re not going to be controlled by it any more. It’s something done in strength and with an abundance of self-love. Don’t forget the way people treat you – for better or worse – and use that to help you live with clarity and resolve.
[irp posts=”1021″ name=”The Rules for Being Human”]
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Understand the cycle.
There is a pattern many toxic people follow. First they’re charming. This is when they’ll get you. They’ll be attentive, loving and impressive – but all of it will be to get you into position. Next, when they have your trust you’ll start to see the cracks. There will be mounting demands and a rising pull on your emotional resources. Then there will be the crisis – the test. You’ll feel stuck – whether or not you give them what they want, you’ll feel compromised. Finally, you’ll do what they want – because you don’t want to be ‘unreasonable’ or cause more drama – and then they’re back to charming you and giving you just enough of what you need to make you stay. The problem is that this never lasts for long and always comes at a cost. Be aware of the cycle and use it to build your boundaries on an even more solid foundation. If you can’t get out of the relationship, know that you’re not staying because you’ve allowed yourself to be fooled or blindsided, but because you have your eyes on something bigger that you need.
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You don’t need their approval. You really don’t.
Don’t look for their approval or their appreciation – you won’t get it unless it comes with conditions, all of which will dampen you. You’ll constantly feel drained because they’ll draw on your open heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, your compassion and your humanity – and they will give absolutely nothing back. Give what you need to, but don’t give any more than that in the hope of getting something back. There will never be any more than minimal, and even that will come with conditions. Whatever you do, know why you’re doing what you’re doing and make sure the reasons are good enough.
The world is full of people whose behaviour is breathtakingly damaging. That doesn’t mean that we have to open ourselves up to the damage. The secret to living well means living deliberately. Knowing the signs of toxic behaviour and responding deliberately and in full clarity to toxic people will reduce their impact and allow you to keep yourself whole and empowered – and you’ll always deserve that.
I’m separated from someone who I’ve been with for 7 years and love with all my heart and was going to marry. I am just now researching information on toxic people and I realize that this person I’ve been with is just that. I cannot begin to explain the hurt I feel Within Me because of this. Funny thing is I still love this person I still want to help this person and save them from their self and this article tells me that’s not possible. I’m the type of person who believes Love Never Fails love conquers all, disappointing to know that it doesn’t. Today was one of the worst yet. My emotional state of mind is somewhere it’s never been before and Afraid I may never fully recover from this. I’m afraid I will go on loving this person who will never give back to me what I’ve given to them . To be in love, so hopelessly in love, with someone who is not capable of loving you completely has got to be the saddest love story ever told and I feel like I’m living it. I know that Breaking Free would be what’s best for me but I’m having trouble disassociating myself from this person on account of how much I love them even though I know what they’re doing to me. Any advice from someone who has felt this way is welcome LOL is needed.
The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from this person. I know what you are going through and believe me, there is no way you can help them. I tried for years hoping that finally something I said or did could make him wake up. They count on us to put them always first and make you doubt yourself always. You can’t win. And I can tell you that the man you fell in love with was a complete fantasy. That’s how they suck you in, make you fall in love with them, but once they have you, that facade comes down and the real person they are comes out. You may see flashes of that loving person you fell in love with, but they can’t hold it up for long and the real monster they are comes out again. It’s all a big bunch of fake BS and they are very good at what they do. I say, get out and stay out and heal yourself because they don’t want to heal, they don’t see anything wrong with themselves. When me and my husband were on the verge of divorce I asked him if he was even aware of being broken inside and if he could see he wasn’t like other people. IF he was even aware of how hurtful and mean he was. He admitted there was something different about himself, he was aware of it. And I asked him why he wasn’t willing to find out what it really was and get some help. His answer was, “I like what I am and I don’t want to change it.” You can’t win, you can’t heal them, you can’t get through to them because they have no empathy at all. They are NOT capable of love.
Thank you so much for this article. This describes my daughter-in-law to a T. I recently took my 16-year-old grandson to Italy for the trip of a lifetime. However, it was a complete disaster. He didn’t talk to me, or walk with me during tours. He was on his phone 100% of the time, except when sleeping. He would not get up in the mornings, even though I had pre-paid for all of the tours, so I spent more money buying new train tickets and tours. He disagreed with every single thing I said, even just commenting on the beauty of the nature. He seemed to enjoy being cruel to me. When I told him the way he was treating me was very hurtful and asked what was going on , he did not respond in any way. I can see now that his mother made sure he would not have a good time w/ me and that he would feel guilty if he did. He has never had a friend over or been to a friend’s house in his whole life. She has said the most terrible things to me, and my son never defends his family, because he has been so manipulated for 19 years. She also lets her 27 year old son take over 100 women into his basement bedroom to have sex with them the past nine years, because she wants to keep them all at home. I worry for my grandson, because this trip changed our relationship. I actually paid $2000 more to come home two days early, because I finally got so hurt and angry that I was not going to take his disrespect anymore. His parents picked us up in Chicago, and he even disagreed w/ me on the way home to make it look like he was against me in front of his mother. I am not mad at him anymore because I realize now his mother had months to work on him to make him feel guilty if he enjoyed his time with me. What kind of love is that for a kid to see? .
Your article made me realize the most important thing…I cannot change her, no matter how nice or kind I am to her. She wants to think of me as the enemy, so she can get me out of my son’s life.
I worry about losing my son, but I have to accept the fact that if he decides to just go the easy route by not being in my life, then I have to go with it.
The bad thing is she can be so sweet to anyone who is not a threat to her life, so it is hard for others to see the truth.
Thank for you article. I printed it off and I am going to read it everyday, so that I am not tempted to get ahold of my son or grandson to beg for time with them. It is not worth it, and it will only make things worse if she thinks I need them so badly that I will do her bidding. Her life can’t be happy either. I am afraid my grandsons will both suffer.
Sorry to hear that. I have no kids, but 5 nieces and nephews.
The parents (my siblings) acted so badly toward me I stopped going to visit the only niece I had that lived nearby.I missed most of her childhood. It was heartbreaking for me and I don’t think she really understood why I was never there. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that it was because her father was so cruel to me.
Hopefully when your grandson is older her will wake up and see reality through his own eyes, not his mother’s.
You speak the truth. That is that you cannot control your son’s wife or his marriage.
Thank you for this article. I found the information very helpful. I have grown up in a toxic environment and now as an adult still find myself dealing with a toxic sibling. I always felt very isolated and ostracized. You’re article made me realise that I’m not alone in this and how to set boundaries to take care of me and my emotional needs. Thank you again for this positive post. Please post more helpful articles like this.
Me too, I think a got a toxic s-i-l, just met here for few times, then she started back stabbing her brother(my husband). Unfortunately my husband was sicked and had operation, she declared immediately she would help, without talking formally about the situation(at first it was ok & we’re grateful) but then she just moved in without asking formal permission from my husband, She’s working afternoon to night time, and she got a small dog, just simply left us the dog to care…we got a small house I felt literally no boundaries….outside the air smelt smoke, coz she is a smoker….she always said she is looking for a place to rent but we(my husband) didnot think so. I always pray that God wll keep us away from bad intentions…and peace will come back to our small home….
This article was so helpful for me. The toxic people in my life are my Husbands family; all of them sadly. All the drama was spearheaded by my Sister in Law and it has been 10 years since we moved across Canada, not because of them though. My husband got a new job 2000 miles away and we definitely wanted a change and a fresh start away from it all…it just made it easy to go. My Dad and Sister had passed away and it was just my Mom; she moved too, to be close and not alone. I’ve always had my Husbands support and has told me many times that he agrees they are toxic and just want to create chaos in our lives and our children. I sometimes feel bad that my kids won’t be close to their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, but realize that any relationship with anyone in his family would not be good in any way. Although it has been many years since we spoke, when we go back home to visit friends (LIKE RIGHT NOW, hence looking for an article for support), my sister in law tries again to make us feel bad for not seeing them or their kids. She pretty much blames me for everything that has happened, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Losing two close family members, made me appreciate all the family I inherited and tried to spend lots of family time together.
I always want to do the right thing and it’s got me into uncomfortable situations. Now I try to keep on track and remember how much I’m helping my kids. Any have any tips they can share?!? TIA❤️
If she wants to see you and family she’ll have to make the effort then ??? it always amazes me when friends and family are unable to comprehend roads aren’t all one way!!!!!
I wish you all the best with your situation. I really don’t know if my story belongs here. I’m searching my mother in law moved into our home. She has been telling my husband I’m depressed I call B/S on that! Anyway she is that person that lives in the past. Nothing has ever I mean EVER been her fault. Well since she’s been “depressed” . It’s caused her to not remember how to do things example how to use a fork. I made spaghetti and she said I don’t know how to use it. I told her well figure it out. Or go make you a sandwich. I know it sounds mean but that’s how she does to make you think bless her heart. Nope not me there is no heart there. Anyway she has a couple new things now. She takes baby steps WTH! I put her medicine in a little cup and leave on counter every freaking day. My husband was home she went to the counter and said son how do I take this? Really he’s like mom let me help you. I was like WHAT! Well she caught him . I was like OK if you are saying now you don’t know how to take your medicine. Well you need more help than we can give you. So we need to make arrangements for you! We’ll that didn’t work for her lol. I’ve been calling her out on a lot of things I’m tired of it. Why would a person do this crap? Oh and she has not been diagnosed as depressed! The doctor and psychologist said she was a attention seeker. And first she needs to own up to what she has done to people. Not everybody has always been mean to her. I’m sorry I’m just going on and on. So if you take the time to read this. Thank you I could use any advice or suggestions. HELP!
Hi there, I remember my Grandmother was like that. My Grandfather divorced her when they were in their 60s and she went on the offensive. Refusing to confirm date/times for holiday gatherings to keep us guessing and unable to firm up any plans with “that man.” But she also did fun things like adopting a limp whenever anyone was around to see her limping. Complaining of various things with a persistent “woe is me” demeanor.
My assessment is that this was a manipulative ploy using sympathy to gain leverage and attention. I thought it was sad more than anything else so I didn’t bother me although I was aware of it. What you’re dealing with sounds quite a bit more pronounced…perhaps a straight up conversation with her may yield some answers. Ask her directly why she is doing this and what she wants? If that doesn’t help and she persists…may be necessary to relocate her to an assisted living facility. Otherwise, she will make it her mission to ensure the conversation and attention is all about her 24/7 which will put tremendous pressure on your marriage.
WOW! I know many people dealing with manipulative bf/gf who have been ‘dying’ of the same heart attack,illness for years.My nephew was claiming he has seizures,when I have NEVER seen any of this.I told him I think he’s being untrue,and using that for sympathy.That’s the worse when people use illness for sympathy!
Sounds to me like this woman is beyond what you can do to help her. Toxic people can even fool most psychiatrists. And it is truly not your job nor in your best interests to keep her in your house. I’ve had experience with these kind of people, and I can almost guarantee that no matter what you say to her or do for her, will never be enough and eventually she will ruin your marriage if she is allowed to continue. If your husband doesn’t agree and help you, then he is already caught in her web and eventually she will convince him that it is all your fault. You shouldn’t have to live with that kind of a menace in your house, your home and it sounds to me like you have done all you can to make her happy. If you have a problem with your husband when it comes time to move her out, then leave the full responsibility in his hands and see how long he will put up with it. You are caught in a tough situation, but only you can make up your mind how much you are willing to let this woman control your life. I think it will continue to get worse and worse and although you do your best, it will never be enough.
Agree- great advise! She is not being the queen of her castle. She is Hazel the maid and will become that undesirable rag to her husband. The real Villain is Monster-in-law and she will vilify this daughter-in-law. Husbands: YOUR WIFE MUST BE WWESN OF CASTLE NOT YOUR MAMA!
I loved this article!! It helped validate how well I’ve been doing to an extent, dealing with my toxic mother. As a child, my siblings and I never understood her ”now toxic” ways until we reached our teen and early adulthood lifespan. She’s always controlling, bad mouth our bf/gf because she was jealous of the relationships. My mother has caused so many issues between her family members and her husbands family members, it’s really sickening. She hates my husband and will try to manipulate my kids into not liking or loving their father, because she doesn’t like him. She’s never apologized about anything she does, blames everyone else, and has such a negative mind and mouth against anyone and the next day she pretends as if nothing has happened. The cycle that is….. I’ve been teaching my children to ignore her manipulation and believe in what’s important to them and she can’t stand it…… My mother was raised with siblings and a toxic mother of her own, who only mistreated her as a child. This cycle has now ended with myself and own family a few years ago and I’m very proud of the woman I am today. I’m a mental health counselor (as of 2014) only because I wanted to help others who have had toxic people, mentally ill people, etc. in their lives and want to live happier and stress free. Thanks for this beautiful article!!!
I think I have toxic in laws .. to me, I will never understand their behaviour and just ruled it as “they’re all nuts”.
My mil acts very nice with me in front of people and hubby. I can feel that it’s all fake. Or maybe my instincts are telling me that it is. My sil comes to me and goes on about how my marriage is not normal. She’s so untidy and comes home all the time and leaves the place looking filthy! Her child is also so dirty and my mil brings the child to my room saying the one and a half year old wants to greet us. It’s just a tactic for us to look after her when my sil leaves her here. This child then gets into my bed. I really don’t know how they breech the privacy line. Most of the time I’m looking after the kid and then my mil tells hubby about how she sits so quietly by me. I feel my mil just manipulates us that way so we look after her when she’s got things to do. When we go out, my mil asks where we going and what time we’ll be back. She calls us even when we’re out! She demands that we all help my sil with her work when she hosts events creating more work for herself but we all have to pitch in. If not, we’re the bad ones. My sil and mil rarely thank me for looking after the child and if they do, it has to be in front of hubby so he can see that they’re trying. I’ve noticed this behaviour from the time we got married and it caused a lot of strain on my relationship bec hubby couldn’t be away from them and so we had to spend all our free time with in laws. This year we moved in with my mil and now hubby is seeing it all for himself. God is Great. But I still don’t know how to deal with them invading my privacy and get my sanity back.
I have a toxic aunt. For 40+ years she has terrorized our family. She is a psycopath and a narcissist. She has tried to destroy our family by turning them against each other. She has ruined my family’s reputation in the town they live, the church they go to and amongst the people who my family does business with. She is a proven slanderer and defamer. She never accepts responsibility for her behavior, even when you have evidence. Never have I ever heard the word sorry in my 41 years that I have been alive. She looks for ways to involve herself in your business to cause trouble. She has been repeatedly caught out stalking my parents house and regularly comes onto their property to verbally abuse them. We have had to call the police. We are tired and sick of putting up with her vile, disgusting, toxic behavior. There is no reasoning with her. She has no empathy, no conscience and regularly projects behaviors onto us that we don’t do. She loves conflict and we now refuse to deal with her. She is always right and you have to do what she wants. Who the hell does she think she is!!! I’m in the process of secretly moving my parents away and we joke about changing their names but the way things are headed it maybe they only way she can’t find them and they get some peace. If I had a gun I’d shoot her and do the whole world a favor. I didn’t realize until lately that we have suffered intense mental and verbal abuse for decades. NO MORE!!!!! The only way to deal with these people is not too. Stay the hell away and run for the hills. Don’t waste anymore time on these people!! They don’t deserve it. Your lifetime is precious only give your valuable time to those who deserve it.
LOL! While wanting to kill someone is extreme, I TOTALLY understand the frustration of having such a POC in your life.I have a drug using 1/2 sister whose been a problem for decades.She used drugs while pregnant,had 3 kids who are now grown and they are a mess.She tried to use her son to get to me,by saying she ‘missed me’.I don’t believe any of it,and I told her son to tell her to stop with the bs,or Iam changing my name and moving away.Iam so glad I was born assertive, or by now I’d be living in a mental institute
I have a toxic sister inlaw.
I have been with her Elder Brother for 9 years and in those 9 years my experiences with her have been draining, overwhelming, dysfunctional & HELL.
I recall the first encounter meeting lovely Sister in-law , the nasty names she called me slut/skank/bitch.I ignored it of course as I’m not one to engage in confrontations over small bullying tactics.
As time passed I could see she had an unhealthy attachment to her Brother , not your normal sibling connection but she seemed to interfere in our relationship by sitting out our bedroom door listening to us late at night (creepy) and even walks straight in without knocking .
To me it seemed like she had no boundaries , I respected her as his Sister but seriously how annoying behaviour became.
Once we conceived our First child together her codependent behavior escalated , she wanted to be with us 24/7 .Our baby arrived and she thought she was the Mother trying to take over motherly duties without asking if its okay .She would turn up unannounced demanding she spend time with our baby at unsuitable times ( baby asleep/sick needing rest).
It became too much I had to finally tell my Partner she is overbearing and meddling in our life too much.His response was ‘don’t worry’ and that stuck for few years .
Time passed ,we had a second child .This is when we moved out of town because he found employment elsewhere after being made redundant.
Finally we get a break from Crazy sister inlaw( thank goodness,!)
Now here’s where things go overboard ,we had to move houses as our landlord was selling up, we pack up and move .Sister inlaw visits old house realises we moved and goes mental on Social media (Facebook) asking everyone where we are .A relative who helped us move told her she helped us and she took all her anger out on her.
We have to apologise to Family member who helped us move then sort Sister inlaw out.She came over crying in our new house (still not unpacked) saying she feels better now that she knows where we live .
Man oh man after this happened she seemed to blame me for not telling her before we relocated , which then upset my Partner .
We lost contact for a while as I could no longer deal with her dramatic ways.My Partner now keeps the communication going with her as I’ve reached my limit.She dumps her emotional baggage ,problems on him often and he comforts her through her break ups,financial and health issues all the while still living at home with their Mother .If he doesn’t keep in touch she comes over and cries.He has never told her her behaviour is unacceptable and that’s why she will continue it.For me , I ignore it all not my blood sister not my Problem I tell Hubby.Until you put her in her place she will always be your little Codependent ‘victim’.
I’ve been diagnosed with toxic sister in law.
After reading this page I widely opened my eyes.
You don’t save my life, you save my village.
Thank you so much!
DITTO from me to you…
Thank you for your post. My sister-in-law (54) has been a thorn in my side (65) for the last 25 years and I put an end to our association as of this morning. My brother (62) adores her and he can keep her…NO GUILT>>>>NO REGRETS…..Just feeling free as a bird….It feels like Christmas in the middle of the summer!!!!
This absolutely cracked me up-“it feels like Christmas!” I’ve also been diagnosed with a Toxic and completely narcissistic sister-in-law. She’s intelligent(just ask her and she will tell you), and super manipulative. I’ve tried for several years because I love my husband and wonder on a daily basis how he turned out so kind. He is guilted easily by his passive aggressive sister, mother, father, and now his niece(courtesy of the sister-in-law). She expects everything from everyone including childcare, money, etc. I’ve never had such a difficult time with another person and I’ve gone out of my way for years. After saying “no” to one of her ridiculous requests I saw a drastic change. It really opened my eyes and has been difficult since. My husband is blind to it and accepts the guilt trip. I’m going to do my best to continue setting boundaries but it isn’t easy! I hope that my husband and I make it to 10 years without me having to flip out and act like a psychopath on his family!
Thank you for this very useful – and for me, timely – article.
My question is what to do about the toxic people who are in positions of power over me. In my current situation, it is a jealous/toxic sister-in-law who is also my landlady. In the past, it has been a boss. A person like this bringing fear for the loss of your home or work security can be very psychologically damaging and the only out seems to be to find another place or job ASAP.
I wanted to add that toxic people, in my experience, are selectively toxic. They may be very pleasant charming or charismatic to other people but then turn on the venom or chill with the turn of their head in my direction. That is if they include me enough to turn their head in my direction. It’s very strange and feels diminishing, confusing, and destabilizing.
I had a landlord..very controlling. I ended up having to move.
Also a temporary but powerful boss..That was scary because I love the work and believed she could have ruined me for it.
There was NOTHING I could do right in her eyes. She projected on me so badly. Gaslighted. She was classic, I could see it but nonetheless was terribly stressed. Fortunately, it was over in four months. She gave me a bad review but I did not lose my job. The next supervisor loved me.
So very very true – which is partly why it feels as bad as it does to be on the receiving end – as if you are making a fuss about nothing…after all , how could someone who is so “nice”, “friendly” “helpful” etc be anything but. These people are very scary. I have only come across two in my life – my sister and my sister in law but I would avoid both like the plague now and would struggle to explain why to anyone who has never experienced this kind of thing .
Oh yes ,so true ,you can’t explain how these people are to others and their behaviour is so haunting it can seriously and deeply affect you .In my experience there is no excuse for them .Step away from them .Look around you and if are like me you will see kind and caring friends keep theses close to your heart and the toxic ones well away .You will never make a toxic person be worth knowing.
Wow .I have lived with a toxic sibling all my life and only just woke up to it .My husband and family are always put down in public for no reason. Hers are always perfect !It is incredible as it comes from no where and when you look back you think ‘what was all that about ‘.You then feel the need to defend yourself but really for what !.It ends up a futile situation and it just leaves you so drained and sad .Both our parents have just passed away close to each other and without any discussion she has behind my back purchased a very pretty cottage they rented for 40 years obtaining a large discount. She took great pleasure in having to ‘come round and she my face ‘to tell me .I didn’t know how I felt to begin with .After mulling it over I discovered that I don’t actually feel angry or sad re the purchase I just feel that it would have been polite and respectful to pass it by me .I that is my true feelings .This final act has made me realise that our parents kept us together and now it is time to part .Sad but true .My family are lovely and they are where my joy comes from .You are worth more in life don’t let people destroy you
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this great article! It’s really helpful, I’m going to read it everyday until I absorb every last bit of advice.
I stopped letting my toxic older sister get to me some time ago but now I have a child and just recently she and her teenage daughter have started being nasty toward my little 3yr old daughter.
Anyway this article has made it easier and helped me see I’m not a bad person now I’ve decided to keep them at a good distance. It’s one thing trying it with me, I don’t care (thanks to her I’ve got a thick skin), but I won’t let them do it to my innocent little daughter. No chance.
A toxic person – that is precisely who my sister in law is. She’s been going through a tough time the last couple of years with a physical injury that just isn’t coming right, however the way she treats her family is atrocious. Some of it I believe is true mental illness (stress or depression perhaps) but I’ve also seen her turn her behavior ‘on and off’ at a moments notice depending on who else walks into the room. I interpret this as a high degree of manipulation, her parents however are just relieved she’s not embarrassing them with her outbursts in front of this other person (this time). The number of times she has had her mother and grandmother in tears with the way she speaks to them and words she uses, it breaks my heart. It’s not uncommon for her to verbally abuse her parents or partner who is hanging in there for some unknown reason despite being the person she treats the worst. Most certainly a case of tearing people down so they feel as bad as the toxic person feels about herself – classic bullying tactic. Her family has done a lot for her, including helping her into her own business and all they get in return is abuse for it and blame for the tough days. I have to admit however that I also believe her family enables this behavior. Instead of pulling her up on how she was acting and treating people right from they start, they instead shied away in embarrassment and simply hoped no one else witnessed it. They walk on eggshells so as not to set her off again and create a scene. Perhaps what irks me the most is that she says that no one is there for her or tries to understand what she’s going through but whenever anyone tries they are informed that its too little too late. She’ll mention anything she can from the past to prove that we’ve never cared, never once thinking that past decisions to include or exclude her from things was due to her behavior and the distress she causes. To me it seems that she doesn’t truly want anyone to understand or will allow them to support her because then she can’t hold it over everyone’s heads. Her brother and I are currently expecting what will be her first niece or nephew and she fails to recognize that I will not allow her to bring this type of toxicity anywhere near my child. If she wants a relationship with her niece/nephew she needs to first start treating her current family members with the respect they deserve.
I could have written that myself Amy. Just make sure you and your hubby are on the same page, as your sister in law will try to come between you and use your parenting to make comments. Having a baby is a massive transition for any couple – so you dont need her crap making it harder. New motherhood makes you extra emotional, so somewhat more vulnerable too. My sister in law is so toxic and narcissistic – I’ve dealt with her for over a decade and recently I’ve just had enough, so I no longer have anything to do with her and just avoid her.
Sometimes a parent is the toxic person as is my Mother..Never apologizes for anything, EVER! Has caused a lot of pain, tears, and guilt. It’s her way or no way, always critical of everyone. She is so wrapped up in herself, demanding & demeaning, leaves no room for anyone else. It’s all about self entitlement, know-it-all and does no wrong. Toxic people will tear down your boundary and bury it before you realize you even had one. Always looking for sympathy and attention.
My mother to a.tee when you stand up to her. Block her.number she.will make up lies.about you!
She.has.gone.to.the degree to call my employers trying to get me fired.
I had (she’s still around) a sister in law who was very controlling since 1977, my mother in law died 2 years ago and that is that….. No contact! Simple. I put up with manipulative behaviour for my mother in law’s sake so as not to rock the boat. Lovely.!
Amazing post! I believe too that it is all about believing in yourself and have the strength to isolate the toxic people in your life and even remove them. It can be so hard at times but honestly, toxic people are only going to keep you from becoming better and happier!
It is all so difficult when the person is your child. My adult son is manipulative, nasty, evil and more. He apologises but doesn’t mean it, repeats the behaviour and hurts oh boy does it hurt.
As a mother, I feel that society expects me to stay the distance but this journey has caused me chronic nausea, pain tears and guilt.
My counsellor has helped me to see that it is a form of familial violence, psychological torture and that I need to withdraw. For those of you living with this daily, you have my understanding. You need to get away, stay away, get on with your life, not theirs. Anyone that takes up more than 20% of your thinking space is toxic to you being.
I understand what you’re talking about. Mine is 14 and I am her target. I have been abused physically, emotionally for 8 years. Sometimes I count the days until she is 18. Horrible to say about my child I know. Broken bones are healing but will my heart. She’s been diagnosed with conduct disorder. I don’t know if it will ever get better. She may kill me first. She has it planned. I am legally responsible for someone who abuses me. I have no way out.
Charlotte
I had a child like that. He abused his twin sister, too and she stuck up for him. It eas them against me. They became emancipated at 16 and took the survivor benefits we were surviving on, leaving me homeless til I could get back on.my feet again.
Call the police if she does this oh heck no don’t put up with it also check with school counsel and get help to help you and she will be helped, have the police take her to where she can be controlled your the parent and with school counsel they can help you also call 211 and they could help with which way you could go also stick to your guns don’t let her rule put your foot down with out side forces could save your life and put her in a place a way from you so she can get the help she needs I really am preying for you please your important and don’t let know one hurt you she needs help
You can have her mentally assessed for the death threats. She should be institutionalized. Or institutionalize yourself. The state will deal with her.
My Son is the same Therese and I’m exhausted from him. He no longer lives with us but his behaviour still wears me out. I’m reading more around the subject to understand it but I need to give myself more space from him. Thank you for sharing and look after yourself.
Hi Annna
Thank you for your kindness.
My son ha harmed my ex husband. My ex husband want my son to live with me. I know he will harm me physically and psychologically.
It is a sad thing to set your child free and have nothing to do with them.
My great fear is that in my dotage he will come and make the decisions about my life.
Thank you for posting your story Theresa. Your son sounds exactly like my grown daughter. She is a narcissistic and a backstabber who demoralizes me, demeans me and demonizes me to her friends and my ex-husband and his family. She is only nice to me when she wants something. She is very sneaky. I have to separate from her and move on with my life. She is sucking the life out of me.
Omg this is my sibling sister youngest one! I’ve been ill with stress through her behaviour just on me an not other sisters as I’m the Weak one that she’s always manipulated so now after a disastrous five day holiday with her an my two other lovely sisters ! I’ve gave up an blocked off media an phone an feel much better but dread family gatherings??
I have a teenage sister who’s toxic. Everyone walks on eggshells because of her behavior but I can’t sit and watch her emotionally abuse our little sister. I know it’s her low self-esteem that causes her to relish in breaking others, but I can’t stand it anymore. I stay at home as a college student to help out my family, but sometimes I want to move out so I don’t have to deal with this negative energy. I don’t know what to do because I can’t “cut” her from my life as she’s here everyday.
You can cut off your sympathy to her and her drama. The only way toxic people can get their victims is through empathy.
If you never feel sorry for her, she can’t ever get in your head.
Don’t feel bad. You can’t control others. Let her be free to live as she chooses. Move on.
Wow. This is not the first time i have searched out how to love a sibling bully, but many of the responses have been helping to validate my choice to block social media, texts…omg the Texts! I have cried, been physically ill, given up, let her back in just to have the cycle repeat…year after year.
There is a tremendous amount of guilt I feel from this. She has always given her opinion and told me how i should handle any given situation, told me what is wrong with my kids, our parents, brother, me.
The reaction i normally employed was to try and explain what she misconstrued. Usually small sentences about normal everyday events. I have given up on that route…mostly. She does not apologize, EVER! I rue the day she mastered texting!
I am Not perfect, but I have slowly come to realize it is NOT okay to abuse me and other family. I do Not owe her my life. And i do not know how to help her. I am a bit afraid of her, but still love her. Suggesting she get real help or be evaluated for a disorder would send her off the charts. It will never end, but I can try to insulate my family as much as possible from the hurt. If it is directed at me, fine. Do Not spew the awfulness to my kids!
Just reading thiS my toxic person s.. my husband. He just get worse. He has no respect for anything but expect full respect
he never take a responsibility for anything.
After I’ve dealt my family not talking to me. And being told I choose him over the family. He called me a birch, whore, trash. Plays head games. We have 4 kids. I do it alone. He gone all day come home expects me to thinks he God’s gift. And just want one thing.
He used to be very attractive to me until right now.
Thank you for this excellent article, which I have read many times when I have needed to. Great insight & guidance. I can never understand the nastiness of some people, because it is such a waste of energy & life. The word ‘No’ is so powerful. It’s taken me a long time to say ‘no’ to some people, but when your gut tells you it’s the right thing to do, it gives some relief & inner strength back, even when they go on to betray you. Thank you.
Hi ?
When I read this article It really described my older sister very well. We had a fight last year and I couldn’t just let it slide what she did to me that day, she seriously threw the vegetables in front of me and where in our store where people can see us and at that time I was so embarass, she was having a trantum about not wanting to cook for us because she had her menstrual cramps and about being busy in the store.
It totally hurt me, I was thankful that I didn’t do anything like crying, I even took all the vegetables that Mom bought from the floor (my face was tone cold) and walked away without a word. For me I understand that her menstrual cramps is hard but I don’t think its enough reason to tantrum in a public place. It was so rude and childish. I went home and cried in my room, (I’m 16 that time) I felt awful and useless.
Alot happened after that, my only mistake was I gave in to her. After that I have tuned her out of my life. I even blocked her in social media. I even heard from my Mom about the nasty things she was saying about me in the internet even if she didn’t say my name, it was clear that it was me. She was saying how a piece of vomit my attitude was.
For me I didn’t care, it wasn’t the first time she did that and my oldest sister had it from her worst. (The toxic was my 2nd older sister). She always creat drama and she always exaggerate things and I was rolling my eyes from her dramas.
Until now I didn’t say a word to her. She had insulted me a countless times even to our realtives, she was saying I’m stupid but she didn’t know I can hear what there talking about and i even smiled after hearing what she said about me hahaha!
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing but I just couldn’t find myself talking to her, I just can’t. Before she had wronged me so many times and because I’m a softy I keep letting her in, but now I couldn’t do that anymore, the physical and verbal abuses I got from her were too much. I wish my oldest sister was here to comfort me but she’s working overseas now so no one’s on my team now, she had always been my shoulder to cry on everytime my 2nd older sister abuse me.
What I really hate about her also is the way she acts like nothing happened and starts to aknowledge me and I was like “Dude I was hurt by what you did and your going to act like nothing happened?!” In my mind, I mean I deserve better. I let her burrowed my phone and she just Let it snatch from her bag. She broke my favorite watch that my bestfriend bought for me in christmas eve did she ever feel bad about that? The times were she banged my head to a wooden wall?! I am hurt but I let the thought of “family comes first” in my mind.
Now I can’t imagine myself being close to her because I know the cycle will just keep repeating. Is what she always do, get close to me, get something from me and then hurt me when I’m useless or if I’m getting ahead of her.
Right now I just treat her like a thin air and right now she keep saying that me and my brother were useless because we can’t cook for ourselves, don’t get me wrong but she was trying to sound it like were not trying, actually I’m asking Mom to teach me the basics everynight when she cooks food for us and by far I had been doing good. My point is even if I’m not thr best cook, atleast Im trying right? Whats wrong is you didn’t even tried even though you know it was your weakness. Thats my flaw and i embrace it, it seems she likes to rubbed it to me since shes ahead of me in that aspect but I didn’t care hahaha! It doesn’t define me of who I am anyway.
I just want to focus on myself and just do my best in evrything that life’s throws me. I don’t want to deal with her insults anymore, I am done and I deserve a better treatment than what she treated me, I am stronger and I know that. Reading this article made me realize I was doing right, I forgivr her even though she didn’t ask me but I will nevet forget the pain she inflicted on me. I wanted to do my best in school and reach my goal to be a certified Med Tech ???.
God had bless me with your article and I am crying while writing this, I’m sorry it was so long, but I just hope my feelings were conveyed in here.
Thank you for this insightful article. My boss was exactly like this. I tried to keep distance from him and got fired as a result. The whole process was a bit traumatic, but now I am happy that the relationship is completely severed. I had this kind of toxic relationships before. Now, this one insightful is helping me to put all the difficulties in relationships in perspective and make me grow up. A huge leap for me. Thank you.
Hi This post has made me shudder. I am divorced four years and was married for 20. the terror a toxic person can instill in another is unbearable. I cried so many nights and felt so alone. I loved and loved again and tried to make sense of why I hated myself and thought I was never good enough. I remarried an angel recently who is real honest and would never hurt me. When I was under my ex spell there was no getting out. I felt like the lowest person on the totem pole. But it took so much strength and numbness to get out and not look back. Hes been angelic now that Im gone and tries to charm me with compliments . thank g-d I see right through it. LOVE YOURSELVES and don’t let anyone hurt you. Youre worth so much. Im still healing and will take years but at least Im out
I’m so worried my story is truly heartbreaking my ex his family is harassing me to no end! I’m a mother of four children and have 14 years of divorce with this man, I call our whole marriage divorce sense this man never married me as he promised and the courts seperating religion out of the legal system means legally we only have to get a divorce and there is currently no law stating we have to get married or have a wedding. However we can be forced to go through a divorce and ran through mud set up by the one who doesn’t have to testify against you in court can decide to betray you and in fact do the opposite and attack you, using your guys relationship to tragically no your weaknesses problems against you to set you up to work in there favor and run you through mud to the courts and any or everyone who knows you. Unless you realize divorce in the USA is more like a rooms day game to destroy or at least get ready to possibly defend yourselves from those who think divorce is some game weather make or female they look at divorce like it’s some game called the BITCH who got everything, and perhaps they think to love you to death your real death for whatever excuse to justify and fuel this sick torture is the normal way divorces in this country are allowed to play out in the courts. Like monkey’s throughout shot at each other I can’t help but wonder if our judicial system allows this so they can be entertained in some warped sense for the most heated soap operas fails to impact me compared to your average typical divorce horror story you hear these days. Furthermore leading me to believe that if I clearly can see the foul play and generally speaking corruption and terrible abuse of our justice system hurting parents and children alike to allow divorce to devastate and abuse everyone involved for sick motives filed from jealous people wanting money and everything including to hurt another one by any means and through anyone even hurting and using children related towards this goal is such a sad thing our USA government has allowed marriage to turn into divorce and inhuman surfferage and torture to no end by taking religion out of our justice system has turned marriage into only have to be drug through court and get divorced and nothing to do with weddings or marriage which is so sad and sick and means it’s just a business arrangement about money nothing more. Why it’s no wonder the USA is looked upon as if it is the current horror of Babylon, if it’s only all about money and material items, even turning kids into such well then we’re all just a bunch of hookers in the court ring allowed to fight each other for money and material objects including the children who have rights except in divorce proceedings. I’m being blackmailed threatened and abused to no end by my ex and his family truly is one of the saddest stories I know of and this makes me very disappointed in myself though I’m the victim I feel like there was SOMETHING I could of done to prevent this which is devastating me and hurting my kids to. I can’t seem to find anyone willing to help by sitting down listening to my story and looking at all the evidence I have collected and recorded is all I need but my ex’s family is paralegals and cops and detectives so there abuse by using there position and abuse of power is hard to want to engage for anyone I get it. So instead of asking for help I will just say I love my kids and if you ever come across this post please for your dear old mom question your dad’s true intentions in our divorce and look for a packet for each of you I have created to show and explain all the details and ALL THE THINGS HE DID which are so wrong illegal and so terrible and anything I bring up will be supported with evidence to prove what I explain. If I’m no longer around cause of this, I still want you to no I’m always in your heart and with you and how I believe in you, you can do it. Please don’t ever do the things I know are wrong and will clearly point out in the packets for the only way to stop this type of torture is to well just stop it and willing to fight to the death against others who do such inhuman tactics to each other destroying families and getting there own family to try and betray each other is so terrible and dangerously close to bible warnings of the end. Love my babies so much mommy wants you all to stay strong, be brave and never give up like you all taught me what that truly has meant. Sincerely Misty
This describes perfectly someone I travelled with last year in India.She seemed friendly to start off with but as time went on it was obvious boundaries meant less than nothing to her as she nagged me to show her my Facebook page said behind my back I should be on a tour with “other mentally disabled people”made negative assertions about my relationships and spoke to me condescendingly over a very trivial matter.
Hi Karen, reading your articles makes me feel empowered. I am now able to see the relationship clearly for what it is. I was probably in denial before this. Once again, thank you. Ann
Thanks Ann. I’m so pleased the articles have been helpful for you.
Your articles on this subject are brilliant. This is my mother, my sister and now 3 of my five children. But all five of them blame me that I no longer have a realtionship with mother and sister. My other siblings have chosen my mother and sister’s side.
I AM FREE THOUGH
Thank you for these validating words. I lived with guilt long after deciding not to be caught up in their web.
The hardest thing for me is to see the person is toxic. I have many narcissists ( persons who had light and tell out right untruths to create Drama ) and persons with personality disorders in my life. I take people at face value and find it hard to see the manipulation. The best advice I have seen on his is to use the BIFF formula — brief , informative , friendly and firm. Bill eddy has a book on this approach. It works well. I could use advice on recognizing them sooner.
This article sums up my relationship with my mother and brother. I have taken the steps over the last few years to create my boundaries. Because of the abuse, I have spoken very little to my brother. This, I believe, makes him feel abandoned (he is BPD) and that makes me sad. Though I have told him I love him but don’t accept his behavior, he dismisses this. Because I have love for him, this makes me very sad but I know every time I try to connect, the controlling abusive behavior starts right up. I’m looking for help to deal with my feelings of guilt and sadness regarding how protecting myself may have caused him feelings of abandonment.
This all makes so much sense.
I recently entered into a beautiful heaven on earth relationship for the first 2 months, then moved to another country for this person, and became trapped.
She’s good with others, calm patient and kind most of the time, but then all stress and frustration gets aimed at me, literally from the first words out of her mouth in the morning without even a “good morning” until the last words at night…
I entered into a professional relation with her too where we opened a center for science and spirituality and when’s she’s teaching yoga she’s amazing and an angel, but then the rest of the time the polar opposite.
Much time/energy/efforts/$$ has been invested into the space over the last 4 months, and now I feel I’m stuck for the bigger purpose that is the purpose of this place. I even had to borrow money from family so I can’t quit…
Whenever I see emotions flaring up and arguements on the edge (which is always 2 words away), I try and step out of the room to cool down, but always get followed and that mouth of hers never stops. It just keeps going until I lose my cool as I can’t walk away b/c she follows me and it’s just an flood of disrespectful and just down right cruel words sometimes.
We also live at our center in 1 of the rooms so it’s 24/7… Which can be hard on anyone + starting a business + a new relationship. I know we are both crazy for doing this this way, but it seems I have to handle my crazy and hers too.
How do I get her to leave me alone so fights don’t blow up? The only thing that has worked so far is leaving the house, but I’m in a new country and new city so I don’t know many people…
I’m tough, but this is nuts. How can I setup strong boundaries and get them to just even leave me alone to heal. Just be silent might be my next and only move…
Any thoughts?
And she doesn’t eat or sleep properly, sometimes going a whole day without food. And now she’s anemic…
I can’t help her anymore. How can I get help for her from a professional?
I have a degree in Psychology and a plethora of life experience in dealing with toxic people and life in general.
However, all psychology aside, anyone who doesn’t eat or sleep properly is going to have mood swings. I have had her experience with food and sleep and found my moods to be all over the map when experiencing sleep/eating problems Anemia is not uncommon for women and it will make them extremely fatigued and weak. Fatigue will make people irritable at the very least, never mind the worst it will do.
You can not get help for her, only she can get help for herself. At most, you can suggest that she get help but if she has no desire to help herself then you are stuck in a situation that won’t change. If this turns out to be the reality, then you need to accept this in order and move on. The best you can do is protect your own mental health and figure out an exit strategy.
Get a second job to pay back the money you owe people or be creative and find another way and then extricate yourself from the situation. Don’t regret, look back or beat yourself up. Life is short and the longer you dwell on a situation that’s not working, the less time you’ll be spending on finding one that works.
Tell yourself it is unfortunate it didn’t work out but remind yourself that you are only 50% of the relationship. In a relationship, both parties must be willing to make it work, not just you.
Hope that gives you food for thought. I wish you well and really do hope that you’re able to find a solution that works for you.