We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
This defines my marriage. Now I feel empty.
This is an exact replica of my past 14 years! He’s suicidal one minute and I’m totally there for him. The next minute he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I’m starting to think he has serious mental health issues. It’s bloody awful, but I just can’t stop thinking about him.
I had a friend who had a relationship for 5 years with a man who, everytime she threatened to leave, threatened to kill himself. In the end she left him. He took pills; he screamed to the emergency services but guess what? He did not die. You are thinking about him because he is playing this game – It’s like when someone is really friendly, says they’ll get back to you in a certain time then they don’t. You don’t think of them in that time but after, you wonder ‘why haven’t they got back to me?’ You need to find the strength to leave him – or, if not at least to say an Inner No to all his negative, manipulative behaviours. Sounds terrifying.
This is so sad. I feel for you.
He is nearly 84 and iam 70 soon, but every time he causes an argument he blames me for starting it. Then he goes on and on and starts shouting and swearing at me all the time. What can I do?
Thanks for this post. As I read each point, I could totally picture my mom in front of my eyes. She has been this person whom I struggle to deal with every day and she can never be pleased. I am trying to deal with this by not talking to her any more these days. However, she doesn’t realize that I’m doing this because of her behavior and again puts the blame on me that I’m not being grateful enough to her.
I totally empathise with you here. It’s a vicious circle I’m afraid. From personal experience, it continues to keep going round and round. I don’t think there’s a ‘fix it’ solution. For myself, I am working on getting stronger within myself, so that my Mother has progressively less negative impact on me. That way I don’t feed her need to be control of my life. I’m still very much a work in progress, but even in the smallest of ways when I don’t allow her to get all her own way, I feel a little stronger! As a good friend said to me recently, it’s your life, not hers so try to live. You only get one chance at it….
I make him miserable? He makes me miserable? Our we done? Get thrown in my face what I did wrong? What we did wrong?
All I have to say is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for this. I’ve never read something that so clearly resonates with my situation that sadly involves my family.
I used to rise to the occasion to defend myself every time something was projected on to me, every time I was accused of something, or everytime I was put in a position to defend myself. Not anymore.
Recently, I realized that no matter what my true intentions are, or what my actions clearly show, sone people want to use you as a scapegoat for all of their problens, and you care enough to take them on. It’s a vicious cycle until you realize it and can put their actions in perspective.
You’ll find that once you start to creare boundaries, though, they will fight back, hard. Suddenly you are the bad guy because you’re Not feeding into their drama… or you’re acting “superior” because you realize these people are not healthy for you.
They want to drag you down, they do not lift you up. You were already up, which is why you are their target.
The past few months have been pure hell for me, realizing how no matter the anount if love and selflessness i pour into my family that they want to make me out to be the bad guy. They dont share in my joys, they convince themselves I am to blame for what is (sometimes quite obviously), their own problems, and everything i say and do gets twisted and i find myself constantly emotionally manipulated. I’ve spent years taking everything out on myself (its family, they must be right, it must be my difficult personality that needs to change, etc) pushing me into deep depressions and even suicidal thoughts.
It’s crazy now that ive seen the light how much everything makes so much sense, i really get a sense of peace reading others stories and knowing im not alone.
I feel freed, in a way, although it will continue to be a struggle to rise above the manipulation and create the boundaries i desperately need to in order to thrive and live the life i was meant to. I’m working on surrounding myself with people who Love and Support each other.
Sorry for the typographical errors! Its late and I can’t sleep ?but I do feel so much better after reading this.
Where’s the “like” button as in ‘I totally agree, thanks for sharing’ when you need it?
I sure wish I knew what to do about this too as @ work it doesn’t matter what I do it’s not the right thing.
e.g. If I put a call thru to Sales & it gets answered this particular co worker comes up & tells me, you cut him off.
I accidently put a call thru to the paging system or cut him off or put a call thru to him, & did he ask for me. He spends all his time minding other peoples business as when I on the phones he wants to know who it was & why they called etc.
I bring something back from a customer & why you bring that back did they tell you to, oh that’s right I know what that is now, no sorry or anything, no one else sticks up for me either they all think I’m too sensitive & they think it is highly funny I DON’T.
As his father is the boss I can’t go to him & I not leaving either, why should I leave.
The rest of my jobs are fine.
Any ideas would be appreciated also.
Apart from avoidance I can’t any other option as if I say anything it doesn’t work as he doesn’t remember of I get upset & cry or the others laugh which makes it worse
Since the age of 8 my sister has been one of these toxic people. I’m Now 63 and can’t deal with her any longer. I have told her that we both deserve to be happy and that I can’t continue having a loving yet demanding sister one minute and then without warning an agressive, abusive and vicious sister the next minute. I’m hoping it’s over between us. This really hurts as I still love her.
Wow! Was just thinking the same thing about my sister! Good to know its not just me.I could go on and on and on with stories about her unfeeling cruelty. The harder I try to be nice, the meaner and more manipulative she gets. So I finally gave up, its just not worth the pain, is it? Hmmmn, what would a psychiatrist diagnose this as? Peace Out, J.YO’
Unfortunately I also have a sister who is like this. We are one year apart in age and have never been close. I learnt along time ago that it was best to stay clear of her as she hates me with an intensity that is just not normal. I am 53 and she is 52. I have another sister who is younger and my parents are still alive in their 80’s. Her behaviour affects us all. Family gatherings are few and far between to avoid arguments etc. Last year I learnt that she got married, an event I wasn’t invited to and neither were my parents. After years of not having any meaningful relationship with her I sent her a gift to congratulate her and suggested meeting up in the hope that things might have changed. BIG MISTAKE. I received a series of letters from her pointing out all my faults and statements that no-one in the family liked me. Really nasty vicious stuff. It was capped of with a telephone conversation the like of which I’ve never encountered before and hope I never encounter again. She took pleasure in shaming me to the core over things that in reality are all part of being human. I honestly think she is on a mission to destroy me and exclude me from the family so that she can feel better. I know that she is working behind the scenes to convince family members that despite her best efforts to build a relationship with me it’s all my fault that things haven’t worked out. She could honestly deliver a masterclass in manipulation. She has succeeded in part for now as I am going to opt out of any family gatherings to avoid her toxicity, I just don’t need it. She has successfully split the family as my parents are still unaware she got married as I concluded it would hurt them too much. Any normal person just couldn’t write hate filled letters and think it was their duty to do so. It’s like she thinks she’s entitled to pass judgement and point out all my flaws. She has zero ability for any self reflection or any acknowledgement that she is also human and makes mistakes. My parents have 3 daughters and we all can’t be in the same room together. It’s a tragedy of epic proportions and my sister is unable to understand how her behaviour is driving it all. I’m just going to play the long game and hope that in the end she is caught out by her own lies and manipulation games.
I don’t know if I should feel worse for you as you’ve dealt with her all of your life, or the man who married her as he has to live with her every day. I don’t understand how people like that get married.
Hi we have the same condition. I have a manipulative sister.
Boy can I relate…my sister has been toxic to me since I was born! She lives in Hawaii now..and I haven’t seen her in years..so thankful its over.
Great, eye opening article! This is how my mother and i’ s relationship is, always in a cycle of drama and all I try to do is try to cooperate with her and get along and it never works. I feel like it’s always me me me, my fault. For example, as of Feb 1st she has already started her cycle of the “silent treatment” which is a regular thing. My question is what do you do if this toxic relationship is between you and a parent? Let them go?
Yes I hear you! Relationships with toxic parents can be difficult to manage and guard against because of the sense of obligation and the potential for manipulation that comes from that. As an adult though, you deserve to have your boundaries respected by everyone in your life. Parents are no less obligated to respect our boundaries than anyone else in our lives. Here are a couple of articles that might be helpful for you.
>> Stronger for the Breaks: How to Heal from a Toxic Parent: https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-parent/
>> When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
I hope they help to make sense of things and give you some clarity around your relationship.
This is my boyfriend to the T all 12 traits this guy has. He perjects everything on to me i am so mad for that, then he blames me for my attitude like im not allowed to have one.its f_ing exosting. Around in a circle i go with him all day. How do i brake this bad habbit and bond with him so that i can move on with my life?
Angela there’s no easy way to let go. Be clear about the reasons you want to, and keep reminding yourself. Know that when we do something unfamiliar (like let go of a familiar relationship), there will be an overwhelming temptation to go back to what’s familiar. This is when you will need to stay strong and clear about the reasons you left, and know that that temptation will also pass.
Thank you so much for this.
I’m a teenager, and i’m starting high school about half a year. Either ways, in my childhood, I had a best friend who I adored. Nope, not anymore.
She can be super judgemental against me, I love K-pop, but she always, and i mean always, find a way to judge it. Whenever I’m happy, singing/dancing to it. It’s either a “disgusting” look she gives me or she says, “It’s/You’re so cringe”.
She can be kind to me otherwise, but i’m simply trying to avoid her, Which is hard.
(Not only she is super judgemental against K-pop. Other classmates too).
Either ways, I find this super useful.
Thank you! : )
Sorry for incorrect grammar/spelling. My hands are super cold right now and I just wanted to write down my thoughts. : )
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased it was helpful. I love that you know your own mind and resist being dragged along by the peole who don’t feel good to be around. Well done you. It’s a true strength.
I am 60 years old and I had a very close friend in high school and then years later in my early adult life. Both gave me the heave ho. These are not friends. They are passing acquaintances. I found on my journey in life that those who have high self esteem – and I count myself in this group – can weather these people who from my point of view have low self esteem. Count it as a learning experience. They say that in your whole life if you can have one true life long friend, you are blessed. In my case it’s my husband. I’m also blessed to have sisters. Don’t be discouraged. You will meet like minded people as you go along. I tried to find my two ‘close friends’ later in life thanks to social media. One is a radical political viewpoint not my own who married young and never had a career and that’s okay! But also found out she had a felony record. The second ‘friend’ has been married three times; she shrugged me off when she met her ‘wonderful’ hubby # two. So I say to you- be your own person and don’t worry about superficial people with low self esteem.
That’s such a beautiful thing to say. In the last 5 years I lost my mum and my lover and it’s been so hard & then I met a man who seemed like he could be a true friend (maybe more but friendship was okay) but he started playing these manipulative games. I was really taken aback but if I said anything I was the one who was being “oversensitive” and when he stood me up he said anyone could be “careless” – like, duh?? It’s very painful to feel made such a fool but at least I saw it in time.
I have been a toxic person in my life. It has causes much pain and damage to those people and has often left them hurting and others. I take full responsibility for every aspect of my life. Those actions and the disregard for others is deplorable. I was wrong and will do my utmost to never make those mistakes again. I also have learned I must take responsibility for my own life. That includes never allowing another person to ever make me feel less than because of their Feelings. Be polite but firm. Never settle for abuse in any form. You deserve better. You are loved by me,even if I don’t know you.
I worked with someone who had these tendencies for 7 years. In the end I had to leave my job as did the person before me and after. We were all effected, I beleave it was jealousy as I was in a grade above her. She had gone for my job and not got it so took it out on me. Yes all these feeling are what I went threw. It’s awful how people can treat others.
I’m so glad I found this article. Number 5 is so true and I fucking hate those kind of people, 2 of which are close friends of mine. Thanks again for sharing the truth
Toxic people make you feel bad about yourself because there unhappy with them selves. Instead of talking they yell. We can always choose better people to be around why bother with anyone like that if they make us miserable. Even family; when my parents are gone I will stay away from my rotten sisters who judge and talk about whats wrong with everyone else. So you actually can choose your family or not.
Yes, they make you feel bad, make you feel like you’re the narcissist, the crazy person. They can get caught out and when confronted turn that around on you making you doubt yourself, your senses, your perception and your memory. My partner does all that and more to me. Now I can see it I know not to challenge it or defend myself. I just chuckle and say ok dear. She hates that then storms out. I don’t chase after her. I just continue with what I was doing. Sooner or later she emerges and asks, “do you still love me?” I say, “of course I do sweetheart”. She then tries to pick a fight, I smile, nod and agree then go back to what I was doing. I’m thankful I finally figured it out. If I don’t argue back, challenge her, defeat her, it douses the behaviour some and I remain in my peace.
I’m so thankful to have found this article. Today, my bf came in ( and its Valentines Day) and seemed to be ok, but then picked a fight with me in which he fabricated something i did to emotionally injure him, when what really happened was…those of you who can complete that scenario, know what i mean. Im wondering if infidelity is common in this type of person, as I won’t tolerate this at all. I’m skeptical that there is hope, but I’m going to practice what Ron does with his other half, since I truly love and want to help my bf.
Ron, I must say I think you have written many words of wisdom here. I think you are right don’t fight them. ThankYou for sharing your thoughts on this issue.
It’s obvious that this person is not right for you get away from them people like that are just mental they’re not good for youand it will never work between the two of you leaving you unhappy and feeling like you wasted so many years On someone to which you were unhappy with rather than being with someone you could’ve been happy withand resenting them for allowing you to spend that many years and trying so hard to please and make them happy and wanting so badly for the relationship to work out the way you thought it should. I need to find out many years down the line that it was bound not to ever work and all the while been wasting your time. It took for me to get cancer and realize I’m going to die to see the light
I’m glad I’m not alone in this. It sucks for me because it’s in my family. I can’t escape from it unless I completely cut them off. Well mainly my sisters. I’m the youngest so they’ve manipulated me my whole life. I have one sister that has a daughter and her baby daddy does nothing to help. So she uses the fact that my mom was never there and she had “give up” her life to take care of me, to be an excuse for me doing things for my niece. Like there was a day where we was just chilling and my sister says “Bri needs a new coat.” Expecting me to buy the new coat. Not “hey, do you think you can buy her a new coat?” Or like today I came over to get out the house and chill with my sister but she was being lazy and manipulated me into picking my niece up from school. Once I came back she asked me to cooked dinner because she walked to the store, like if I never came over who would’ve picked up Bri or made dinner? But apparently my niece informed her mom she was hungry before I could start cooking and of course being the toxic person she is, she got an attitude and made it herself. And my other sister is just as bad, actually worse. Ughh sisters are supposed to cool but honestly I wish I could just never talk to them again or replace them with non-toxic damaged people.
I truly don’t feel alone in this. However I’m saddened that so many suffer from these psychological dramas, both the victims and the sufferers.
Agreed. Especially hard if you are in love with someone who has these characteristics. I don’t have much tolerance for psychological drama.
As myself. …my bf always says that he doesn’t understand me is that what I just read here?
It always seems to be the nice kind & good willed people who attract these toxic type of people, even tho they seem so nice at first, it also knocks yours self asteem, badly alway wondering if it you! Believe me it isn’t I’m 66 lots of experience at this type of thing in friends and in relationships, my advice is love yourself be proud of the person you are and turn your back on them! Love you can walk away! Life is to short for all this shit! It’s hard at first but hold you head up high and be positive!
you can aask yourself “whats to love or be in love with in someone with this toxic behavior. What value do they bring to my life?” you will see you are not so in love anymore and the answer most of the time is “nothing” to both questions.
Agreed. Especially hard if you are in love with someone who has these characteristics. I don’t have much tolerance for psychological as drama as I used to.
I’m worried about my son his girl friend is so controlling he’s not allowed to go see his sister,friends they just moved out three weeks ago and I don’t see him much and I know it’s cause of her.what can I do me and my son have always been close I’ve not just been his mom I’ve been his dad too cause his dad is a piece of crap and has never been in his life it’s always been me
Shelley the most important thing for you is to let your son know that you are always there and available for him. This is your son’s growth and his lesson to learn. It’s also important that you hold back from criticising his girlfriend in front of him. To do so will run the risk of him feeling a greater need to defend her, and this may come between his relationship with you.
Give him space. Let him have a relationship with her. It’s important that you are not judging him, you are not judging her, and you were not judging their relationship. If you do you could cause a bad relationship between you and your son, give him the space he needs. If she is “really” the issue he will figure that out. But you need to give him the space he needs to figure that out. He’s an adult now. Let him be independent.
You may be so used to having most of your sons attention and now that he has a girlfriend he’s putting his attention on her rather than you( I see this issue all the time.) He may be choosing to spend more time with his girlfriend because they go out and do fun things, they are in love. Which will limit his time with his sister or his friends. When a person gets into a committed relationship they are now using their spare time for their new partner, it’s not because they don’t want to see their siblings or their friends, but a person only has so much spare time, there’s only 24 hours in a day.
So just give him his space, he needs to grow, grow as a person, be independent. He can’t do that if you’re criticizing/judging him or his decisions. He can’t do that if you’re clinging onto him too tight. If he needs you he will call you, he will come see you. If he doesn’t that’s because he’s growing, making his own decisions, and you should be proud of that!
If he is making a mistake, that something he will figure out, and he will learn from it. Or this is a security issue of some sort that you’re having with yourself, and hopefully you will be able to learn from it.
I’ve been with my bf for close to 4 years and while I keep going back and forth on staying in this relationship for the long haul or walking away I keep trying to focus on what is and ‘is this worth it?/am I going to be happy marrying him?’ I also find myself dreaming of actually not argue every minute of every day and help fixing things needing to be fixed around the house (that I don’t have a clue about doing) or attention to the small things (like what I like or like to do)…Reading this it’s as if the article nailed everything about our relationship and how he is toward me. I also feel like his negativity/the toxin has made me a negative and mean person which is not who I am nor who I want to be. So moral of my story, I am starting to step back and realize the imaginary future I see is not realistic nor is it ever going to happen between us. Looking from the outside in we really have nothing to hold on to except what little ‘happy’ memories we’ve had together.
It stinks to have put so much time and energy into us for the out come to be like this and at times I feel dumb for sticking around so long after so many chances but in the end our relationship is toxic and we’re unhealthy together. We can love each other but still be completely wrong for each other.
Hi i dont post or say a word normaly but the
The women i fell in love with is no longer
Here its like shes is lost in her on mind every
Morning before i say a word and a lot of
Times be for i get out of bed ( between 530to8am) she is mad but not just mad but overly mad and i haven’t said a word. I ask her y are you so upset nothing has happened
I just woke up. I have done nothing wrong. I haven’t said a word to u dear.(her response) oooooohh u never do any thing wrong your so perfect ooooh you never say any thing wong do you. And sometimes she will get so mad she will pull her own hair and she will be shaking and she throws stuff not at me but close enough to make me go into a defense mode countless cups of (soda,knifes,glass,phones and what every ells
Is close by) this is the women i married 18 years ago the women i love with all my heart and i cant do or say or even be because its wrong and if i agree with what she says that im a no good piece ot trash that im lazy worthless don’t know how to treat a woman if I agree with any of those or all of those it puts her into a rage of pulling her hair she will start bouncing her foot off the ground off the floor she will start shaking breaking things throwing things telling me she wants to kill me and as she’s doing this I will try to rub her
Back and tell her it’ll be okay I will hold her and say i love i love please stop this and say
Over and over that i love you i haven’t done any thing to you i haven’t hurt you i didnt say any any thing bad to you i haven’t done any thing to make you say that you want to kill me and as soda is dripping done the walls or therea glass to be sweep up ( remember that this all has happened and the day has just started and its only 840 am right now)nothing I do or say is right I’m to the point and it’s going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do I believe and it’s not to allow her around me anymore to move away to change my number to try in some way to forget about her because if I don’t I will always let her into my life because there was a time that I loved her unconditionally without question she was my babycakers ( its what i would call her and she used to love it when i said it)
P.S
IF ANY ONE READS THIS
I just want you all to know that what i wrote
Is true and i go through it it seems all the time every morning i wake befor i say a word or do anything she’s MAD
She is sick of you. She doesn’t like you, but she can’t make her self leave. Just leave dude. She will be happier, you will be happier; sometimes people grow apart and simply grow tired of each other.
This is why you make her angry by doing nothing, your existence is annoying her, you are always there, and have been for 18years. Pull the plug. Get out.
Find happiness in being single.
I dont mean to reply directly to you but I couldn’t find a comment area except the reply space.
Apparently I’m the toxic one because I refuse to allow anyone to yell and scream at me ot use disrespectful tones even if we are arguing over something i supposedly did. You can argue without screaming and yelling or name calling. I will completely ignore the issue and shut down or get defensive if im being talked down to. I dont scream at people or call names and I will not have it done to me. I dont care what I did ..( im talking minor mistakes like leaving the door open and yes ive been yelled at for that) so I will be the toxic one if thats the case.
Ron, you’re on a never ending merry-go-round and unless you make the decision to get out it will never stop.
The next time she threatens to leave calmly reply “I think that’s best”. It will be amazing how fast she will back peddle OR she will leave and then find a way to get back into your life, but it will ALWAYS be your fault.
Your partner will never take responsibility for her behavior, she will never apologize and you will once again lose part of yourself.
Many years ago I was married to someone exactly like this and I am so grateful we didn’t have children together. He has gone on to emotionally and mentally victimize others all the while never taking responsibility for the devastation he’s caused.
Peace of mind is absolutely obtainable and you deserve it.
Thank you SYdNeY ?
So for the record it is a sucky way to live and then after it’s all said and done it’s almost worst when they do to you what they know will hurt you the most trying to not have to face the reality of his drug and sex bs and evil games while I worked and didnt realize how bad it was and he never would apologize or even acknowledge any wrong doing .. I know for a fact he obviously never loved me and even tho I know that actions speak louder than words it still hurts and I don’t want anything to do with him however it is a emotionally draining and hole left in my soul and I know that I won’t put up with that ever again I refuse to ever put up with any thing that I know isn’t right with anyone I am not perfect I want him to be happy but it forever changes you and the damage is deep and hard to trust however. I dont need a confession or witnesses or proof only my intuition which is always right on. I just think that people who purposely hurt people and manipulate and have no concern with the others feelings should at least not be able to victimize other people but I can only change me and remember I’m not God and I am not perfect but I will stay true to myself speak my truths and never allow myself to be treated less than human again..thank you for sharing I’m grateful I m not alone and I’m a private person but I am going to be the change I want to see in this world. It’s never too late and even when the road gets hard ~~} Never GIVe up !!!❣
Thank u I needed this…still being harassed by a toxic ex & its wearing me down emotionally
file a complaint on him
I feel so alone, but obviously Im not. Im so confused because 27 years ago I think I was a nice person. I thought I fell in love with a nice person. 27 years later and a daughter I’m still here. Over the years Ive drastically changed from the person I was or thought I was.
. You do everything for everyone else but nothing for me .. so I stopped helping people, the only person who I do anything for is our daughter. Now he can only say I do nothing for him.
.” I never help him with his business”- so I work 5 days a week as much as I can as a Canteen assistant. Im on my feet all day and have a very early start. Im starting to find this work physically tiring but he thinks its my “play job”. In the past if I had to do anything with his business he wiould ring and yell at me and tell m how dumb and useless I was then hang up. Easier to work outside the home – he still complains I don’t do “anything to help him”. But at least I know I work 5 days a week and look after the home.
. I have no friends – he would complain if I wasn’t at home when he got home. Would make remarks like “ok for some people going out for lunch, some of us have to work”. Easier not to have friends and stay home.
. I drink to much – years ago I would have a wine with lemonade. Gradually I increased my consumption. It helped me relax and numb the comments. I never knew what sort of mood he would come home in and what I would get into trouble for. I was always getting told off for being dumb, a user – he earns more money than me, I would never go away girlfriends because I didn’t earn enough of my own money. Easier to be at home.
Anyway I now am going through very bad menapouse – he was kind of understanding at first but now he is over it. Thinks its just an excuse, he’s not interested in listening about how im feeling emotionally or physically. He says “what about men and what they go through”. He hates it if I cry, he finds it very annoying.
I could go on and on, the older Ive got the more I don’t like what I’ve turned into, my daughter thinks Im a nasty person because she loves her dad and thinks I cause the problems because he gets angry with me. I don’t put up with it as much as I used to which makes him angrier. Looking back I should have left years ago, instead I tried to hide it all from our daughter, so now she thinks its all my fault.
Menaphause is changing me now and I can’t imagine retiring just the two of us.
I want to be just by myself but I don’t know how to do it and I know my daughter will hate me and she is all I have.
Thankyou for listening.
Omg your story sounds just like mine! I am 18 years In and I have changed who I was! I used to be outgoing and had friends and now with him he was jealous possessive always having attitude if I mentioned going anywhere at all no mall no dinner with friends nothing! He thinks he has a right to control me because he makes more money and is always threatening to leave me and take everything. Always has something to say about me even now throws me not having friends in my face he says it’s because I’m negative all the time! He has friends lots of friends goes fishing and hunting yet He says it doesn’t compare that he’s just going with his dad and that I will be drinking. It’s always his way what he wants to do. I prefer to just stay home instead of asking if I can hang out even with my sisters he has a problem! I want to leave but he will make my life miserable and I fear going through all the pain and suffering instead I just live day by day hoping one day I get brave enough to leave.
well i was treated the same way and i just cheated on him several times and I feel so much better for the first time in my life i have the upper hand.
Never change who you are stay true to yourself
That’s just disgusting
Why. ? Why is is so wrong to be with some else for a few hours. It’s not like people aren’t breaking their vows with constant disrespect and tearing down the confidence a person they are suppose to love and cherish? If a few meetings here there keeps the sick marriage intact so be it to
I agree with you, Roger. Two wrongs do NOT make a right.
This person needs to leave the relationship. She’s turning out to be vendetive and slutty.
Her next boyfriend/partner won’t trust her. That’s true too. I’m just wondering if the person was looking for a reason to go sleep around. Maybe it’s just her nature. Maybe it’s her out.. but there’s better ways. Just say goodbye and move on.
Instead she’s putting it around and nobody will have respect for her.
She doesn’t like a toxic player, so why become one herself? Yep, that’s toxic behaviour..
Same here , I want him to leave, my house way before meeting him. Will be 50,000 times worse if I file for divorce. I refuse to leave my home I have lost everything that I have worked for my whole life. Nobody that I work with understands that. He became evil after my mom died and I have nobody as he has turned my , ? Friends against me. So, day by day I work I come home I do nothing but cry and have thoughts of… I would never do anything as I am a pathetic wimp that is afraid of everything, his words. All while he just lies around like he is king tut with that smirk on his face, I could go on and on and write a book also. He has destroyed my cars, my home, my finances and my spirit . I can understand why on those investigational shows , women do what they do. Come to find out I believe my mom was a narcissistic as well, my life with her to him. Never new that people like that had a medical dx, no law to protect the innocent and weak from being mentally, emotionally and financially abused everyday. They just get away with it.
Im so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that someday you figure out how to leave him without giving up too much more than you have. I’m with a horrific boyfriend… and plotting to leave asap…though because he “borrowed’ a lot of money from me during the first two years of our relationship that he eventually confessed he was unable to pay back —I am a bit stuck in a place where he pays the rent–for now… Been together for nearly 4 years now… but plotting my departure and trying to keep my emotional boundaries as solid as possible…and yes, extreme narcissist mom, only child, abusive dad… not at all surprised that I have found myself here again… but this will be the last time. Really it will.
So proud of you for your resolve to seek a better life. Believe in yourself. You deserve to live in peace.
Dear Julie, my heart breaks when I read your story. I know just what you are talking about, the slow decline of who you are. At first the shit he says is so small it’s easy enough to shake off, but it piles up over the years and by the time you realize how damaging it has been, it’s too late and you already feel awful about yourself. Best advice? Get out now. Talk to your daughter first and spill everything, don’t leave anything out. Tell her your fears, your hurt, your hopes. Then tell your man you are leaving. Do not spend the rest of your life hating yourself for staying with such a shit. Yes it will be hard, but the relief you will feel after is glorious!
I’m so sorry to read this. It breaks my heart because I’m in a similar relationship with 2 daughters albeit they’re 4 & 1 so oblivious to anything.
I think a lot of it regarding your daughter depends on age. I adored my dad he abused my mum cheated was violent the lot, he was violent to me I didn’t know any different mum wouldn’t stand up for me so it was normal. I adored my dad & he couldn’t do any wrong.
It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s I realised what a pig he was in terms of a romantic partner. Throughout my teens he went from woman to woman and again, wasn’t until I hit my early 20s it hit me how bad he was as a partner. I can never fault him as a dad now he hasn’t been violent since I was 14 & Were best friends now.
Now as much as I love my dad, I understand because I’m older that people are different as parents and as partners. Your partner is clearly a lovely dad to your daughter and how he treats you isn’t really anything to do with their relationship (I don’t mean to sound savage I’m just speaking matter of fact)
You need to do what you have to do to make you happy, you know the answer, as I do in my relationship. But we stay because it’s all we know.
Your daughter will have to accept that mum & dad don’t love eachother anymore but they still love her and she’s better having 2 happy parents.
You can do this & your daughter will come round, it’ll take time but it’ll happen and the short term pain is for the long term gain.
My prayers are with you. Please reach out to me if you can if you want to email & speak to someone who really does get it. I can also recommend therapeutic books which will change your mind set.
Well u sounded like me in alot of ways he works labor pool daily pay we live in a suite and its been.since.2018 strange place paying by week and some.strange neighbors he makes me sit here daily I had stroke 2010 and.use came he calls me lazy I got edema bad knees and hernia and anerysm.in heart and neck bulge and bulge lower back complains about taking me somewhere I have 2 cats.this whole thing.is getting me.sick)I take bits and herbs.and prescriptionsfor my health
This is the story of my life. I’ve lived with this shit for over 22 years I’m embarrassed to say! You’re not alone.
Story of my life. I’ve been with my toxic partner for 13yrs, we have 3 kids and I lost a child (which he blames me for). It’s an on going battle an lately he doesn’t care about what he says to me. He accuses me of cheating, and on occasions he calls me a whore. I’ll beg and plead for him to stop and things would be fine for a week than he’s back at. We split for awhile because he cheated while I was giving birth and of course she got pregnant. He cried and begged me to take him back, he even tried committing suicide several times. Well I took him back and we split again, he promised me he would change and things would be different because he found God. So I recently took him back AGAIN things were good for a about four month. I DON’T have any friends i lost my job and he won’t let me look for work I’m home with our kids 24/7 and I feel like i have to beg him for some type of communication. He’s overseas right now helping rebuild the Bahama island that was hit the hardest so he face time me. But his sweet I love yous turn into “you never loved me” “I cheated because you left me to have the baby” “you slept with other men when we split your nothing but a whore, but it doesn’t count that I slept with 4 four women I’m a man” “your toxic you don’t wanna have phone sex with me” I can go on and on and on🙄 I love him but God knows I had enough I’m a good person with a big heart. I swear this man doesn’t see anything he does wrong cause he so busy twisting it around on me.
Julie, I do not know if you still read this message board. I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much your story has moved me and how much I am sorry that you are treated this way by your abusive husband.
It will be best for your mental and physical health to divorce and live in peace. It will be difficult, as you say your daughter has been confused about whose fault the situation is. But with time, as she matures, she will see things for what they are.
After 27 years, you have to think about yourself and live your days with joy, fulfillment and respect.
All the best.
I hope you are okay Julie, sounds very similar to my friends relationships and I just hope you are safe and alright, sounds like you are feeling very alone, please know other woman do understand, maybe a group of support, even just online would really help a lot of you woman deal with the vulnerable situations you are in, so sorry for your struggle and hope you know you are not alone, it just feels that way
It’s not menopause leave,get some help for yourself
This was me! I left him and got together with a gal pal from 20some years ago. Life is better for me-I feel respected. Good luck. Hope everything is working out – for YOU!
Hi Julie, I feel you. This is also me. I’ve been married 28 years. I am only 48, but I feel like my life is over. my story is similar to yours and many others. I also invested my entire life into caring for our two daughters now 22 and 24, while battling depression which I did not realize was getting worse, but I feel depleted. Not only have I not reaped any benefit for being a self sacrificing mother and stay at home parent, but I have all but already vanished. Dead in spirit and invisible in society. I no longer exist. My husband is what society calls a good honest wonderful man. why? because he helps literally everyone and he brings home the money. He puts my name and the kids name on everything, so we are protected financially. except he was never nice to me. not that he ever hurt me. Never. Just words. And not even something I could ever relay to anyone without sounding I was overreacting and overly sensitive. It was insidious. starting with a gentle reminder that although I might be way smarter, more articulate, and well read than him, I couldn’t land a job to feed or educate the kids. a reminder that the clothes on my body, including my undergarments, were funded by him. that a good wife doesn’t talk to other men and laugh so much. that for a good wife, her priority should be her husband, above all else. her friends included. He did not say it, he acted it.Little passive aggressive gestures of control. never apologized, ever. could go a week without talking.only with me. the best, gentlest soul otherwise. So everyone thought I was nuts. started early on in the marriage, but once I’d had the children, there was nowhere to go, because I’d always wanted to be there for them. Where I was, I wasn’t able to go into a job owing to language requirements and the fact that at the time I married him, I had yet to complete my graduate degree. I did help him with the business until the kids were born, but it was much the same. He wouldn’t give me control. but he has blamed me for never helping out. So early on, I ‘realised’ I was a leech, and tried being more grateful. I realised I couldn’t afford to feed or clothe myself…that’s how it started.
I wasn’t good because at 38 I lost all interest in sex. I hated being touched, even by my children. but I parented. I did not do the wifely thing. I could not. I DID everything else for the duration of all of my marriage. Run the house, cook every meal from scratch, pack lunch boxes, stay up all night with the children for exams, homework, university, breakups, sickness, home repairs etc. Through everything, I tried not to stress him out because he was handling the financial part. He had no clue what was happening with the children, but he knew that I was failing as a wife. I earned every grain of food that went into my mouth, that I know. He made it a point to take away anything that made me smile. My cooking, he said was pointless. he didn’t care about food. he could pay someone for that, he said. I sew and paint, very very well. he said it was a waste of time, cheaper to buy stuff. I have a green thumb. He said I waste too much time. I loved our cat, he said I grinned like a loon around her. we had blazing rows about my insane affection for plants and my cat etc. She died young from cancer, he resented the love I gave her, even though he cried for her. I tried fostering. he claimed he worried about my health, with my not sleeping while caring for kittens. He BLAMED me for his snoring that pushed me out of our bedroom 5 years ago. he refuses to get tested for sleep apnea which he has. He says me not giving him sex for years has caused him to stress and snore. but he has snored forever. I could not bear it anymore, so I moved into another room once the girls left for university. I offered to leave him. he will not let me go.
Over the years, anything I did…wasn’t considered important. I got a degree in archaeology. Got a distinction. It made him inwardly upset, outwardly he told the world that wife did good. But he asked me to put my masters aside to focus on the kids because he could not. to study when they were settled. and that my degree was a waste of his money anyway, because there were no jobs for me where I was. the money was sunk. I did that too. for raising them into adult women who blame me for their depression, anxiety amongst other things. So I’m a failure there too. despite battling depression myself, I have been there for them, and still am picking up their pieces whilst getting insulted. I hate what I am. no spine,broken, full of hate. I do not want to hate. I want to feel nothing.
I still wonder if I am the problem,sometimes. I can be abrasive, harsh when I talk, so he tells me I hurt him. People more readily believe him than me. Until they observe us for a while. then they know. I’m not perfect, and I doubt myself. He never has. He’s certain he’s right. He’d had a bad childhood, fatherless at 10 and a mother who was dependant on him, so he is a self made man. emotionally removed. everything is measured by money. He plays the game well. he will talk me up when outside, so people will message me to say he’s the best, he misses you so much, you are so lucky he loves you etc. so maybe for me, there is no way out. Divorce, he will not entertain. I cannot leave because at 48, never having worked, and in a place where a new language is key for job applications, my options to work are very very limited. I worked my fingers to the bone for this family, physically exhausting myself daily just to be able to go to sleep feeling I wasn’t a leech ,and never going out with friends, cutting off contact with any male friends, not doing anything for myself. My reflection in the mirror now shows a woman who has exercised to gauntness, with a bitter face and a droopy mouth. I am not even attractive anymore.
My children do not value me, and l find myself just doing what they want. My oldest is cutting in the way she talks to me. I walk round all day functioning normally to get things done while I cry tears nobody can see, even as they roll down my face on the street. I am to the world, already gone. I tried to be positive because there are worse lives and life is not fair. I tell myself, there is so much pain and suffering and mine is nothing, but perhaps I am finally being selfish. I am in menopause and what I really want is to feel nothing anymore.
I am so sorry for my rambling message. I cannot express the pain any other way. thank you for letting me talk here.
That just totally explain my bf of 7 years its so true I feel so bad iv lost my familyy twin sister mum dad and 3 beautiful children coz of him mother was always right and I choose to stick by him ….iv messed my whole life up and lost my babies and them growing up and naw I won’t even leave the house by my self I’m to scared to and I don’t know why my heads absolutely f*cked 💔
It is amazing to hear that other people are going through the same thing (it means I’m not crazy), you are left just feeling like an empty shell, the worst thing though is that my children have developed mental health issues because of it. I don’t understand how someone that supposedly loves you treats you this way. He has started to say sorry after 28 years together but still does it, I blame myself because I stayed but love doesn’t mend a broken heart or heal the pain. Thanks for letting me rant xo
Menopause is tricky. It seems as if the estrogen makes women more tolerant and when the estrogen lowers women see more clearly how they spent their lives serving others and forgot to take care of themselves. If a woman sacrifices too much she will become bitter and angry. If a woman turned to substance, alcohol, or drugs she had added another problem to her life. What can she do? Begin to live in truth! Truth #1) “I must deal with my own problems FIRST.” (So, find a way to stop drinking, etc. Join AA, go to rehab,or just stop drinking.)Take responsibility for your wrong actions etc and work on your own problems. No one can do this for you, Truth#2 “No human being really has power over me. He cannot make me do anything or feel anything. It is my reaction that I can and must change!” Truth #3 “I have compassion on myself and my reactions. I did what I could to survive,” Truth #4 “All human beings are flawed and many are emotionally damaged, including myself. I hereby release these damaged people from blame .” Truth #5 “My objective is to always do the right thing , whatever it is.” Truth #6:The people around me stressed me out and I responded the best I could at the time. I now have more wisdom and more power! I will begin to change myself for the better! Amen!”. Truth #7 “I can’t change anyone so I hereby stop trying to change them”Truth #8 “I cannot help any adult. They are responsible for themselves.” Truth #9 “I realize that most people are not capable of rational thought. They think with their pre-conceived opinions or their emotions. I will not try to reason with people who are non-rational.” Truth #10. “I do not react to non-rational statements. I do not respond to untrue statements because I live and respond only to truth. If adults want to believe a lie, that’s up to them. As for me, I do not respond to untruth.”
I was with a toxic ex for almost 15 years and was fortunate to get out. My ex engaged in all the behaviors mentioned. I was constantly living on the defensive, putting up with backhanded compliments and was afraid of how to respond because many times it was a trap, do my ex could get the upper hand and belittle me. Finally I was so fed up and said we were finished and I was leaving. It was not surprising that my ex did everything to try to get me to stay, promises that things will be different, threatening to get a lawyer or ruin my career and last (and the lowest) said that they had a terminal illness and their condition could become grave if I left. I said things are going to be different when I’m not here and you should be making necessary end-of-life arrangements when you’re not here. I moved out and the only way to deal with toxic people is to cut off all contact and never give them another change to be a repeat offender.
I just want to say a big thank you for being honest and I relate to your post so much I’m only 29 and going through the same and feel like I’m steering down at a big black hole I once use to call life.
My eldest daughter also hates on me because she thinks the sun shines out her dad’s a** yet does not understand the emotional shit that comes with her father and I cant expect her to understand being little but it does make being a mum more challenging and finding away out of the relationship
Julie,
I am in a very similar situation. I have had the chance to take my daughter with me on some trips to my parent’s house out of town. It’s amazing. My daughter adores me when her dad is not around bad-mouthing me. I cried every night from joy, just because I got to see my real relationship with my daughter again. One time I got to talk to her about how hard this situation must be for her. She broke down into tears and hugged me. It confirms she sees it all too, but we both wouldn’t dare go against him because we know it’s a losing battle. She does love him, and I loved him too for years. At some point though, he lost his confidence and now he tries to belittle me so he can feel better, and he tries to get our daughter to love him more than me. It’s actually so sad I feel sorry for him, but I mostly worry about the emotional toll it takes on our daughter.
I am just trying to find the best way to protect our daughter in a very delicate manner. I try to hold family meetings and follow the book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. I let both my daughter and my husband read parts and ask them what they think about it. It does make it better for some time, but then things go back.
Maybe we could get through it and it could get better, but at this point (I am 38) I am starting to think, what if it never changes, and I will be stuck with him after our daughter goes off to college? (She is 14.) That thought terrifies me. So I think that tells me what I need to do.
Stay strong. My prayers are with you. You are a good person and you deserve to be appreciated and respected. That is what makes a good family and it is a good role model to your children.
Oh my goodness. This sounds like my life story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured.
The hurt is beyond anything. 30 years I lived with it but the hurt continues. I feel as if I don’t know how to move forward. I’m just stuck in all the emotions.
I felt I wrote this currently going through this now
Thanks for sharing. I just left an abusive partner and your post made me feel better. I’m also gonna be the change I want to see in the world even tho it’s hard sometimes because people take advantage of my loyalty and honesty. Every guy ive been with has had cheating behaviours and I always felt i was the crazy one but I’m not. Society has made it so easy for men to cheat and I just have lost all hope. I feel depressed because I truly feel nobody can be trusted. Ever. All men are the same. I hope I can relearn to trust again.
Thanks again for sharing. Bless
Reading this has been great tbh.I always thought it was my fault and now maybe not. So me and my wife and I broke up last November and although we live apart we would still be around each other a lot because of our children. So what lead to the break up. She was not working and I was 12 hours a day I would get home do the house work because she was to tired after looking after the kids all day ( I get that kids are hard work) then get told how I did not do it right or in the right order their was always something wrong but I would have a moan under my breath and get on with it but after two years or so of this I gave up trying and that’s when things got worse but still did not want to leave and then I got home from work one night at 2 am to find I was locked out and she had decided to end it. When I think back at what has happened over the last ten years I do think was it me or her don’t get me wrong I am far from perfect. I had to give up my friends because she did not like them I could not go out without getting calls every half hour of when you coming home (I went out twice a year) but I did not care when she went out and left her to enjoy her night. But even now it’s over I still get made to feel like crap ( I may not be the best Dad but I try) I work from 4pm -2am every day I get home sleep for three hours get up and pick my children up at 6:45am Monday-Friday take them to my house bath them breakfast them dress them take them to school then look after my two year old till it’s time for the school pick up get the kids back to mine where my Dad will cook them dinner and get there pjs on and then take them back to their mums to go to bed on weekends which I also work I pick my kids up at 10 am so we can do there homework for the week then I take them home and go to work but I then get told I am useless because I never do anything fun with them and I really just don’t get why is it me that always feels bad
Honestly a little insulted by the “all men are the same” couldn’t we categorize it like all women are the same? If that’s the case then Why aren’t all relationships the same? How can you be so judgmental to a sex as a whole with such a small sense of information gathering. I think it honestly shows your lack of maturity and clearly maybe should self reflect and understand it’s probably not the number as a whole rather than a smaller scale on personal experiences causing you to reflect with your personal beliefs without any real facts. Just food for thought. Male not like the rest… but claimed to be by you.
hi John! I am a woman and I agree with you, its really not fair or mature for anyone to blame this on gender , it is so much more complex than that. i have met some truly amazing men in my life and i have met equally toxic woman, i think that like most of the other woman here though , I have experienced more toxicity from men simply because I don’t have any experience with woman in romantic relationships but that does not mean that just being a man is the problem or that they’re any worse than a woman can be, i really believe that blaming this toxicity on someone’s gender is part of the problem in the first place, we are simply making excuses at that point and telling someone its ok to be this way because you are supposed to be like that, how is anyone ever going to take responsibility for anything if we constantly place the blame on an uncontrollable force?! i am equally annoyed with common expressions like “boys will be boys” or “man up” we really need to let go of these unhealthy socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities and attributes that society considers appropriate for men and women and start focusing on teaching emotional intelligence, compassion , empathy and gratitude from a young age in all genders.
Just wanted to say that my life has gotten bad after my last ex. He said he loved me was going to marry me and have a family. But he also spit in my face and said i was a man and much worse things. I can never allow myself to be with a man intimatly again. I no longer trust anybody. I am half dead inside now and my identity has been murdered even though i still feel and act like a woman.
Oh my heart aches for you. I had given up hope of meeting a partner..for many years. I had my own place..went to work…would read many self help books. Started painting for a hobby. I just felt that having a loving true partner..was not in the cards for me. I seemed to attract …player type men….I now realize, I was picking people..that treated me like my father did. (Hard realization)….I was not looking for anyone. Sometimes the loneliness…felt like a cold wind..blowing through me. I spent..holidays alone….but I wasn’t being used……I got some self respect back. I strengthened my spirit. I seemed to watch the world from the outside..looking in. As I approached the age of 30, I was resigned..to never bearing a child..or having a family. Friends from school….had moved on…and many, had excluded me….and then…..on a strange lark of events…I was introduced to someone. I didn’t think much of it……as the wall around my soul was sturdy. He asked me to have dinner. I said okay…..turned out…he too..had been hurt…and lonely….but he was “authentic. No games….no booze…no drugs…..we could sit and watch a movie…and feel contented…just because we were in the company..of one another. I weep as I write this..because….it was so unexpected. I say to people….don’t give up, because you never know…”what’s around the corner”. Btw….we have been married 30 years….and I did get to have a little child……never give up hope.
I have been going through this for a long time and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY BLIND EYES. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME I NOW HAVE TO MOVE ON FOR ME
Yep. Exactly. You are not alone
I feel the same I’m in a relationship where I know I have adhd and sometimes don’t do right or not enough. But my other half always blames me for everything the way his life is.the reason why he is not where he wants to be I’m not supporting on top of that talks about my looks and weight. I work and I hold the house up and does make income but my income is reliable. His come when we needs it. But moral of the story is he’s always right no matter what if shit don’t go his way it not going at all and I’m sick of it
None of you all have to tolerate such crass behaviour, so just don’t tolerate it. At all!
She always say you don’t never listen
It helped alot infact it was spot on but what if you are married to such a person?
This was so helpful, to say everything I was thinking, and make me feel not so alone 🙂😘
I have a girlfriend who is EVERYTHING you’ve described toxic people. She’s right now making me chose over her or some boy I like too. I told her I like both equally but she’s pressuring me hard. I NEED HELP.
Peace of mind, safety, belonging…all obtainable things everyone deserves to have. Those words contain enormous strength and hope. But…It is so hard to even accept that life has become so hurtful that those words aren’t just common sense to me like they were before my marriage. I’m college educated, from a good family, hold supervisory positions. Am a very hard worker. I meditate and pray, excercise. Used to have lots and lots of friends. I totally accept that I have my flaws as all humans do. And I try so hard not to trigger him, and to understand my husband, have gone thru cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling. I’ve bought self help books for us to read for him. I am sincerely trying so hard. But, the physical abuse, left injuries, fear, some PTSD, the emotional games, the extreme highs and lows. The cheating, lying, sneaking around on me. Insulting me for crying or accusing my emotions of being fake, a show. The cycle of him apologizing, then repeat. Lying, accusing me of cheating daily obsessively when he is the only one that has been unfaithful, tearing me down with words that hit harder than the hands to my face or around my throat. Yet why am I googling for help? If it is this bad, and he is in prison right now for it, why am I feeling not good enough still? Why am I even questioning if he will change AGAIN, year after year? Because it’s just not easy for me. And I want it to be so bad. They take time to gradually break you down to nothing, slowly taking over your life, your friendships gone, freedom gone, self esteem gone, family gone. Money gone. Your own hopes and dreams gone. Even the ability to just speak or stand or look a certain way. Everything is controlled. When you go to bed, wake up, money, your own beliefs, what shows you watch. You don’t even know it’s happening til it’s just way out of control, and all you believe you have or can ever have is that person. Cuz like he says, who is ever gonna love you bitch? And they can be just amazing and love you so much for weeks. But the second they get a tad bit angry, they seem to easily flip the switch, and their behavior says they flat out hate you no matter how much you give of yourself to them, how much you forgive, love, spoil, pray for, research help for anger, try to be good enough for them. So you feel empty, defeated, worthless, hopeless stuck, and that is where I am today. My arm is covered in deep cuts, it’s humiliating. I am to the point that I feel like I don’t even belong in this world anymore. But, I am not giving up on me. I am Battling in my mind to find the strength and hope that I still have a chance to live a happy life. And wondering why the hell I think things like what if he changes? What if I leave him and he changes and someone else will get to live the life with him that I deserve. Can I handle that?? After all I gave of me for him? And I know that’s crazy silly. It will not make a bit of sense to most people. Cuz it makes NO sense to me. But it deeply affects me. Torments me. Why can’t I cut out what is hurting me in my life? I guess I’m just saying to others, if you are going thru this, you’re not alone.
I’m at my wits end. Either me or my partner are seriously messed up. At the moment, I’m so confused I can’t say who is exactly. It be easier to say it’s me because then I can correct my behaviour. But then I’ve tried so often and it’s never right or enough. I’ve truly tried to understand toxic behaviours, narcissistic behaviours, psychopathic behaviours in an attempt to understand what may be my own disease. The conclusion is that each human displays and demonstrates these tendencies. It’s supposed to be natural. It’s never, however, ongoing and we rebalance ourselves for the most part. Those who don’t are chronically unbalanced and are unstable. Is this me?
My partner and I are involved in a dance of highs & lows constantly. They’re always extreme, seldom balanced. The highs can be happiness, which is usually a result of when I am doing what she believes is right; cooking, cleaning, agreeing with her, wearing clothes she likes, not blocking her in any way.
The lows occur when I disagree, express my feelings, my concerns, my beliefs. I’ve come to realise that I’m loved when I’m good and not when I’m bad. When I’m bad I get called names, denied love, denied peace. I’m punished. This causes a reaction out of me that can range from depression, I’m told that’s pouting, to all out panic. I can become physically ill, emotionally unstable, start to shake uncontrollably, can’t eat, sleep, focus. I can grow angry, want to break out, lash out, scream, cry, pace. I feel trapped, bound and gagged, useless, irritated, frustrated, scared. I worry I’m the toxic one, the nasty mind gaming destroyer. I feel if I can fix this we will be happy. But I cannot fix it. No matter what I do, all I seem to do is sabotage things. Yet she stays. She stays even though she threatens to leave. She stays even though she says I’m the narcissist and she the hapless victim. Then she goes and I dance for her, promising anything for her return. So she returns and I dance harder. I’m so tired. Yet I dance. My bones ache and I dance. I dance because I fear I’m the narcissist and she’s the angel sent to rescue me. I dance because those few moments I get love and adoration are worth all that dancing. I pay heartily for those moments. Never realising bits and pieces of me are being taken. Pieces of my soul, my heart, my mind and sanity. I’m losing myself, my desire to be me, to be happy just because I can be. I’m being moulded into a being that’s no longer beautiful, no longer useful, no longer desirable. But still I dance. Am I the fly or the spider here? I don’t know. I’d rather be neither. I just want to stop dancing.
Your words are poetic. And like you I dont know if I’m the fly or the spider. Either way I’m stuck in this web
OMG! Rons words were beautiful, i cried so hard, it really resonated with me, i felt like someone was writing it about me, i can relate to a T. I too have lost my entire friend group TBM. Would be really good to get a support group together, it’s good to know were not alone..
breathtaking. absoulute defying gravity.
Ron,
I doubt you’ll see this, but your words have resonated with me so much and have brought me so much comfort. I’m still presently in a situation but have lost my entire friend group due to their frustration. If you would be ever willing to have an email correspondence I would appreciate it more than you could possibly know. I do go to therapy but they aren’t allowed to consult in the ways that I really need. I hope you’re doing so well now and thriving ❤️
I would love that too! Ron’s words hit deep in my heart.
I can relate wholeheartedly word for word. You got me in tears. I too don’t know if either my boyfriend or I am the toxic one ????. I want out because obviously we’re no good for each other but I want to stay and fix it even more. I’m afraid of the hurt that will come with the finality of it all ???? and of starting all over again when I’ve invested sooo much ????
WOW everyone on here is hurting so badly. It’s brought tears to my eyes. It’s so easy for me to say “LEAVE HIM” but then here I am getting entangled in a probably toxic relationship.
I haven’t been with anyone for many years and this man (he’s quite a bit younger) waltzed into my life. We started having a really good time. I had some bad neighbors and he was very protective of me. It was really great to have him stand up for me.
We’ve been moving slow but last night we slept together- for cuddling. He wanted sex but I’m not ready. This morning he said, “YOU rejected me. I’ll only try 2x”. I told him that sounds like a threat and I walked away because I didn’t want to hear whatever his blame response was going to be. I think the second part he’d say is if you don’t have sex next time I try I’m leaving. And indeed when he left for work he said, “I’ll come back for my other stuff later”. So I didn’t even have to hear it.
I just said fine.
That is just one example of many of what sounds really similar to what you are all saying here. It sucks because I like him around and(LOL) he fixes everything, buys me a lot of gifts, he loves my dog seems thoughtful in many ways. I’m much more educated and accomplished than he is but my business is nonexistent with covid so he’s definitely not living off of me.
We are good at sharing together.
I don’t know why I didn’t want to have sex. I think part of me feels that it’s going to be really crappy 2 minute sex just for him. Another part feels that once he has conquered me that our friendship part of this is going to fall apart very quickly. I’d like to keep the friendship part but it almost seems to late to backtrack.
But he’s always texting on the phone. This morning I got a glance at it and it was all women like “hot for you”, “love bear” etc. He was texting all last night too and I didn’t ask.
One last thing. I think he lied about the honors he got in the military. I am sure that only a handful of people have received the medal of honor and yet he has one. He has about 10 medals from special forces. I mean his story sounds true and he walks the talk. Still wears dog tags. He has a scar on his head where he says he was shot so maybe I’m thinking he has some brain trauma and that is why many things are starting to get weird.
He was such a gentleman the first month. He always stayed due to the neighbor but always slept on the futon in the front room.
I think I should get the strength to walk away before this story gets too messed up.
The other thing that complicates it is that he is so helpful to everyone, always taking on problems of others trying to help less advantaged people.
Nothing is ever black and white. thank you for listening to me. I’m praying for all the people on here to just be strong no one is going to hate you longterm. To the lady with the daughter -she’ll only be mad temporairly.
I feel every bit of your words! I’m tired of dancing too yet I still keep dancing and hate myself for dancing it’s a never ending roller coaster with each time losing myself more and more. I don’t know who I was 18 years ago.
I’ve been in the relationship for 7 years she never does any wrong don’t listen to me when I’m talking to her or cuts me out half way though a sentence but bout 3 days ago I had had enough & told her we wasn’t gonna work anymore first she was quiet then she started packing her things I went outside & I could hear her talking shit I guess to her self then she come out & gets in my jeep starts it & tried to back over me .now she trying to say I was trying to stop her from leaveing
You sound like me in that you are questioning your sanity because your partner is so toxic and abusive and they make you believe that you’re the one who’s toxic and abusive.
This resonates with me. My husband threw his wedding ring at me yesterday and told me he was leaving me in the morning and slept in the spare room. I spent all night crying And this morning I again try and make things better taking him coffee saying sorry tiptoeing around him. Tonight I’ve done something else wrong (although I don’t know what) and he’s threatened leaving me again in the morning. Saying this time it’s for two weeks. I said so your not coming with me for my follow up hospital appointment on Monday and he shouted at me ‘who said I wasn’t going with you!’ I said well you did – he just swore at me and stormed to bed. I’ve tried talking with him but he twists and turns and gaslights what’s been said to suit himself and he’s told me to get out and he’s gone to bed in the spare room again. I’m not going to have another day like this it’s stupid and I feel so sick. Tomorrow I need to say yes go.
How did it go? Did you resolve it?
EM W what happened. It sounds to me like he has big anger issues. Next time he throws the wedding ring take it and hock it for a vacation for yourself and tell him so. I dont have a relationship with my brother anymore. He was always a bully to his son, and his wife. He’d call either of them horrible names and she would just say “oh he doesn’t mean it”
Their son became a drug addict and died this last year from all his internal organs being destroyed. I remember once him yelling at his son because he didn’t like how he was holding his hands. There was always something stupid. I was the only one who would tell him to stop. He’d just get mad at me and leave the room or tell me I was in their house.
Now his wife has cancer and he was sitting there throwing the bills on the table as to how much her chemo is costing him. She was sitting there too with a head band around her bald head. I almost cried for her that she had to listen to him. But then she is the one that has let him walk all over her for 40 years.
I’m glad I found this article because I’m just getting into a relationship with this guy and I already see the toxic signs. I wrote all about it on another note here.
I feel the same. I fear I am the monster. I stop all happiness. I love the way you describe your dance, it is just the way I feel. I probably just do the wrong dance and we are dancing to a different tune!!
I relate completely, who am I? Why have I lost myself, is it me, am I unbalanced? I continually doubt myself.
Very relatable and nicely expressed. Thank you for sharing. I eventually got to the point where I begun to feel nonexistant. But I’ve recently started to adapt and simply decide each day in the mirror, that i will be 100 % true to myself and be the best most honorable version of myself, and as kind to others as possible. And that my values and beliefs are as important as anyones, and won’t allow anyone to shake them .It seems to be helping.
And you are always stronger than you believe.
Let your heart and mind join forces and listen to them not your fears.
Thanks for this post. Was feeling very disheartened and upset this morning after being treated badly yesterday. I irritated him by using the bathroom too long, picking flowers in the garden and making breakfast for me, him and our son when he wanted me to get on the road with him after he finished mowing the lawn at 8am on a Sunday! I stood up for myself and threatened to leave which sent him into a rage. He proceeded to tell me to leave, gathered random clothes and put them in my car. He pulled my books off the shelves saying I never read them anyway. He threatened to ring the police and he cut the phone line. 20 years into this. I feel very, very alone. His family give us a wide berth and my best friend has started to do the same. I expect she can’t take the whole I really am leaving this time and then I don’t leave. I see a therapist once a week. Hopefully I can get my life back on track one step at a time.
My therapist recently suggested that – of course – it is possible for two people to be troubled and abusive…so really- you don’t have to know – but you might want to separate. His guidance was… if they are abusive and manipulative… leave.. and if you fear that you might be as well… then get help until you are not. It seemed like sane advice and might apply to you. Separating from a person is hard.. and there is always some real love there.. but with a cycle of abuse unless both parties are willing to see a counselor together and likely separately- progress is very unlikely. Good luck… and love yourself most of all.
My dear poet bro…glad you shared. You share for all of us , every living thing, you are telling truth and that is the universal reality, universal conciousness, universal oneness…that is complete freedom to tell the truth. Well done you. I am proud of you. Be free in yourself way way beyond your mind (chemical brain function) and body. Just exist in the nothingness, the reality. Believe me….you’ve expressed what we also feel.
Peace and love
My ex and his mom and dad all found things wrong with me and announced them to the world. I was young and beat down and began having nightmares. It took years but I finally got rid of my marriage and my nightmares–but not before they had done damage to my children too. We’re all still healing. So, I urge you, if you’re involved with someone who is not helping you be your best but brings out the worst in you, please go before they poison your whole life and even your children’s.
Thank you for all your sharing. It has affirmed all my fears with a very toxic friendship I had for 2.5 years and finally, with the Lord’s guidance, found the courage to end it. How?
I have experienced most of what you all have experienced. Is it me? Maybe it’s me…And how subtley she would twist everything that leaves me with self doubt, misery, and confusion about myself. When before I met her, I was a happy , content person with so much t give and share to others. I was basically, self assured and content with my life. At least , Inever had anger outrages and feelings of unworthiness, that was never me. I grew up with a normal childhood, happy family life.
I finally told her last Oct 17, I don’t want to be this way anymore. It helped that I read and watched videos on toxic people and amazed me that it all pointed to how our friendship was. Of course, there were moments when I felt guilty, I missed being with her but when I recall the moments when she would manipulate, make it seem Im the uncontrollable one, when in truth she is the narcissistic one, it gets me so mad and upset that I do not want to have to deal and be in that situation again.
TIPS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC PEOPLE:
1) detach yourself
2) do not commit and put yourself in a corner that you cannot get out
3) be mindful and observant of the things they say and do
4) make them feel that they do not have power over you anymore (this takes courage)
5) move one and live a peaceful and happy life
6) surround yourself with old friends and family before you were with this person and you will realise how much you have made your world smaller because of this person.
7)trust your GUT, if you done feel right, it isn’t
8) PRAY
Wow! I really needed this, at this moment.
Thank you
Does anyone have advice on how to stop a toxic relationship? It’s only months old and I already feel stuck. I guess I don’t want to be alone and don’t know how to meet other men as I’m not a bar type.
I’m kinda dependent on him to keep things up around the house and halfway financially. He’s not physically abusive just unpredictable, texts with women, he thinks I am not aware of that.
I’m starting to feel like his personal prostitute(recently he started saying “happy ending” I looked it up and it’s used by those who give massages to make sure a man is satisfied at the end. When I found that definition I threw the phone on his stomach.
Ron – that pretty sums up what it’s been like. I feel like I was addicted to him & still am to a degree. I’m still feeling the pain of wondering if he’s going to use his charms & be nicer to another woman than he was to me! It sucks. I wish I could let it all go in my head. But the thoughts are going round and round & im still feeling the pain & anguish? It’s so confusing. & the amount of times he told me I’m too needy when all I wanted was for him to be nice to me. I do think I became needy but that is definitely not how I ever used to be with any previous partners.
I don’t know how to move on from this yet. He already told me how other people didn’t like me & yet I got on fine with them. But I felt pressure to prove that I am ok so never relaxed. Even with having good friends aside from him & his mates I still doubted myself. & when I stood up to him I got confused about the arguements because he’d bring up the past over and over again saying that I’d done this wrong & that wrong & proved how stupid I am.
You start to believe it in the end. But now he has happily moved on and I’m still stuck & miserable! I’m pretty ashamed about that to be honest.
Yes yes yes !!! I know how you feel. It’s difficult to win, if winning was a desire, with any narcissistic person. My own partner tells me often that I’m the narcissis. While I know I may display some of that behaviour, I have to remind myself that we all do from time to time. However, a true narcisst displays it all the time, without remorse or regret and this is what separates us. I’m willing to get help, she doesn’t see she needs it.
Hi Everyone. It is such a relief to read and see bits and pieces of what I’ve been feeling and experiencing for a number of years in my marriage. After being told numerous times throughout the day that I’m always angry at him when I talk and I’m mean ( which is a shocker I have been in a really great mood many of times to have him state I sound so angry when I ask him what he wants for dinner and he totally takes the happy out of me) Last Friday night was a real eye opener for me my husband and I were having dinner when a piece of herb got caught in my throat. Anyways I was choking and coughing getting some air much not very much he started shouting what is my problem I think I was having spasms I had a hard time trying to say I needed air finally between breathes said that and he shouted back you don’t have to say so angry and mad at me. I was shocked. Instead of trying to help he accused me of being mad. It took another 5 minutes of coughing before the piece of thyme go loose and I stoped coughing. I have never felt so alone in someone else prescribe. I realized he did not have my back and I have always had his. I’m I. My 60’s been married for 24 years and I’m ready to walk away. I realize you don’t have to be alone to be lonely.
Ron, I feel like I know you!!!
Ron, you say what I cant communicate apparently and trust me I literally try every approach to communicate “correctly” or get through but I’m glad I have found yet another approach to get through….cuz if the way you just broke shit down dosnt get thru or isnt somehow understood than seriously I know and probably already know it never will. THANK YOU!! 🙂
This article is great. It very accurately describes what I’ve put up with for years from my ex. Fortunately, I was able to leave the relationship recently. Unfortunately, we have kids together and I still have to try to communicate with him although on his end it is never effective or mature. I need to know how I can defend myself in court and get full custody of my children! Right now, we haven’t even signed temporary orders and although I allow him to have visitation based on my lawyers advice and Texas law, he doesn’t pay me child support and is continually belittling me and always projecting me as the one doing wrong when HE IS THE ONE DOING IT! It drives me nuts! We aren’t even together! I’m nice to him regardless and I always try to level things out because I don’t want to argue! But it’s a constant battle. If I don’t do what he wants, when he wants, all hell breaks loose. He will be as hateful towards me as he can get away with. It’s an awful situation to be in. I am tired of being nice and getting slung around like a rag doll.
Michelle…maybe you should record a few of your conversations for the next hearing.
Michelle, it will always be a constant battle unfortunately. And with court looming ahead, you might want to rethink your strategy and try to figure out how to settle things as quickly as possible without rocking the boat. I recently came across a couple of resources which I wish I had when I got divorced from my ex who most certainly must have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I didn’t fight him or patronize him in the slightest yet he felt the need to try to tear me limb from limb and make my life a living hell for years even after the divorce was finalized, and we don’t even have any children together.
If these links don’t come through, the sites are RI Divorce Mediation Center and Out of the Fog.
What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”
Dear Codependent Partner,
What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.
And that’s the whole point.
When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.
I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.
I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.
I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.
I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)
(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.
I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.
I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.
• •
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(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)
It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.
(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)
(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)
I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).
I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.
“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)
“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.
I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.
I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!).
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in
And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”
I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.
I love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.
I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.
I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.
I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.
I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.
I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.
While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.
I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.
In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.
Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.
Forever love-limiting,
Your narcissist
PS: I really, really need help — but you CANNOT do this work for me (not without making things worse for both of us!). Remember, we’re co-addicted to each other, so we’d never go to an addict to get help, right?
Only a therapist, with experience in this, stands a chance, and even then, only if I choose to really, really, really let him/her! (That’s because I’d have to face my greatest fear that, not only am I not superior to everyone and thus not entitled to make and break rules as I please, but I’d also have to own — that my own actions, thoughts and beliefs about myself and others — are THE main cause of the suffering in my life … and changing them, THE solution. I could not would not ever want to do this for the sole reason that, from my worldview, only the feeble-minded and weak do such things!)
Omg. U took my breath away. It’s time for me to run.
Holy hell. Where are the cameras? Is this big brother? the most fragile soul’s autopsy edition?
I am speechless. I think I am convinced there is an actual door to my heart and soul you just walked through and told the world what exactly what you have you seen….
I’m just out of a toxic relationship. I feel awful. 5 years of walking on eggshells. Being criticised for the smallest things & put down. Being given the cold shoulder and silent treatment. Being ignored when trying to text or call & being told he just couldn’t be arsed to talk to me. Being told I’m stupid etc etc. & on the flip side he would sometimes be as nice as pie. But it was rare. The anger outbursts, being told I was the cause of his depression even though he had this 9 years before meeting me. Him constantly staring at other women & trying to get their attention when we were out. If I made a comment I was told I was being pathetic or trying to spoil his fun. Listening to everything about him but never being able to talk about me. Being told I love you one minute & the next I don’t know if I love you. Telling me everyone thinks I’m a miserable cow. & when we broke up I didn’t miss you at all.
I actually don’t know who I am right now & starting to feel like I’m the biggest idiot for not waking up and seeing this years ago.
It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t see in the past. What’s important is that you can see it now. It’s never easy to see bad in the people we want to care about. Leaving a toxic relationship takes guts – and you’ve done it. You have acted with great strength and courage. Don’t diminish that because you didn’t do it sooner. For whatever reason, you weren’t ready to do it sooner, and that’s okay. Keep moving forward with strength and self-love and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
He’s a narcissist. Get away, be yourself and look for someone who loves you for yourself.
Seriously insecure bloke.
Control nutter.
Verbally abusive
Mentally just cruel.
A total prick!
Your daughter doesn’t know any other way.
Time to live your life as you.
CLEARLY DOES NOT LOVE YOU IF YOU CRY AND HE GETS ANGRY BLAMES YOU.
IM no expert but l know what cruel nasty relationship is.
I am currently in a toxic marriage, but it has not always been this way. Things started out very good and fast. Once I was pregnant, we married and looked forward to having a baby, 2nd child for me, 1st child for him. As everyone who has children knows, life will change for all couples with a new baby. Adjustments to day to day life, work, and social life. When we started socializing with friends, who also had new babies, I learned that I was the “sober” one of the bunch. (6 adults, 3 babies). I no longer enjoyed a few drinks, since I became the DD, but all others enjoyed their pot smoking and getting high, including my spouse. After a few socializing events, I felt hurt and left out. I spoke to my husband about how it made me feel, and he blew me off and said “its all in your head”, or “just come smoke with us”, knowing full well I would not. There was no attempt to include me and over time, I was resentful of being casted off. The smoke outs continued and sometimes at our house. I will spare everyone reading, what the last 14 years of a 16 year marriage thus far has entailed. I had another child with my husband, which did not fix any issues. I have been lied to, cheated on, and money taken from our bank account over the years, all resulting in arguments, which have never been resolved and EVERYTHING is my fault because “I don’t accept him as he is”.
I reflect back on when I met him and how I missed that he was a daily smoker (not only cigs), and it was hidden from me since he always went outside to smoke cigs. That is when he would partake.
Every bullet point in this article pertains to my husband!! I was even blamed for his cheating, being told “You don’t hold up your wifely duty of having sex with me”.
It is very hard to leave a toxic marriage/relationship, especially with kids. But my kids are almost grown, and when they are 18 years old, I am free….and they are free. My husband (their father) even spills his rot over on to them. Anything good, he strikes down. Any moments of love from me to them, he strikes down.
Patience is important…..do not argue….you cannot win to a toxic person. I stopped asking years ago “whats wrong”, with the mood swings. And now….it does not matter. I just don’t notice. I have been accused of not complimenting him and uplifting him, and my response to this toxic behavior was “first you must uplift yourself, before anyone else can AND you must have qualities that warrant a compliment”. It took me a lot of courage to even say those words, but I have become very strong mentally now. He did his best to tear me down, but with a support system, I was able to break through my own weakness and fear, and stand up for myself. A toxic person does not like it much, when they get a dose of their own meds!!
Great article….
I am guilty of errors myself.
I just want to be a better person.
It is up to me to be aware of my behaviour & others.
Its a mirror.
Love & Peace to all.
Glenn
I had to weigh in on this article because I have had several toxic relationships in my life and I had to examine myself. I sought help. The professional told me that I was a prime target for this type of relationship because I did not possess a healthy skepticism when it comes to relationships. I’ve had to learn how to stand up for myself in a proper manner. I have discovered that toxic people use false accusation as a powerful tool to manipulate in order to get their way even when there is no proof of the accusation. They believe that everything they think is factual. Now whenever I come across this kind of activity, I just walk away never to return again. They will not change their ways.
I think the word “toxic” is an easier term to deal with rather than learning the four personalities of choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic and melancholy and then there are also the mixtures of these types.
I have a simple standard, if someone makes me feel bad about myself then I don’t need them in my life and are deemed toxic, I’ve regained the softer side of myself and surrounding myself with like people too.
There is a word for such a person…choleric. This is one of four personality types, which means that one in four people have these traits to some extent. They manifest a bit differently in men and women but both genders have them, and each is as the author terms, “toxic” in their own way. I find male cholerics (a.k.a., “jackasses”) easier to spot as they generally wear their personalities on their sleeves, whereas a woman-choleric (a.k.a., a “viper”) is more subtle. She might act friendly and concerned most of the time, then without warning bite your head off and tell you it’s your fault. She also tends to be a “friend-hog,” keeping a side-kick glued to her hip and monopolizing most of this woman’s time so that she can’t make other friends.
The main problem I see with this list is that one can only spot a toxic person after he/she has already been drawn in emotionally. If one can learn to spot certain personality traits early, he/she can be better armed and ready to avoid (or deal with) conflict and codependency. Study up on the four personality types (choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic and melancholy) and learn your own so that you’ll also understand your own responses to different situations. Learn to spot toxic, choleric people from a distance, don’t invest in them emotionally, and you’ll be able to shield yourself from a lot of frustration and heartache.
Good wishes to all.
I wanted to share something I realized.
Something in our backstory, the family we were born into, the environment we were raised in…predisposed us for this.
The good part is that we can keep our empathy, which is beautiful and add what we lack: boundaries, behavoiral knowledge concerning personality disorders, etc.
The essence of our goodness stays.
I just ended a relationship with a man who I realised was a narcissist. It was a blow to me, having survived a marriage to a narc and believing my self to be whole and healed, to attract the same kind of person.
Im not there yet, but Im closer. I figured him out and I walked away……
I am so proud of this accomplishment.
This….the whole of it, is a journey to yourself. A journey of balance. Balance we never had but are learning and acquiring.
We have the very real hope of one day being free. We should set our sights upon that goal and work towards attaining it.
Inspirational!! Please don’t think I’m being patronising, but, well done you!! What an awesome accomplishment. You are a seriously ‘gutsy’ woman, and I wish you only success and the very best of everything in life. You’re on a positive path, and I’m confident, now you’ve found it, stick to it and you won’t go wrong. You’re strong enough to deal with anything that life throws at you. On inevitable darker days, reflect on how far you’ve come and how your journey has impacted on so many, especially me. You go girl! xx
Thank you, Hannah, for your kind words.
They mean more to me than you can know.
S.
my friend is mad at me because I wanted to sit with her at lunch at a place that we usually dont sit at and when I came and sat with her the other people (in a very joking way) said “oh Hannah is here lets go” and they walked five steps away and then came back while laughing. She got mad at me suddenly and she pouted the rest of lunch. I asked my other friend what was wrong with her and she said that she told me not to come and sit wither her (she never said anything) and now she is upset at me. I dont think I did anything wrong though. What do I do??
Hannah it sounds as though there is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding happening here. Talk to your friend and let her know that you would like to clear things up. Be open to what she says, and let her know that you would like to put things right between the two of you. It sounds as though she might need reassurance and a loving word from you – and we all need that from time to time.
I had a similar experience in the first grade, when my (presumably) best friend was suddenly mad at me and stopped speaking to me. When I finally asked a mutual friend to find out what was wrong, she came back with the reply, “because you never play with me.” SHE was the one who cut ME off!! It may be just as well that our relationship was never the same afterward. A friend shouldn’t be someone you have to tiptoe around and take care not to offend. Do what you can to set things right on your side (e.g., ask if there’s anything you should apologize for that is truly your fault), but if she won’t come around or does this to you again for no apparent reason, it’s time to find a new friend. You would only be harming yourself and enabling her by staying in this relationship.
What do I do If the person that does this is my sister??
And she “loves” me very much… It’s hard to get away to this person, and my family likes to hanh out too much unfortunately
I’ve tried talking to her but It’s almost imposible for her to chance
It’s so difficult when the person who is toxic is someone close to you. Here is an article that might help. It is about letting go of toxic people with love and strength, and how to protect your own boundaries https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. Hope it helps.
Well, I made it to the second round in the divorce procedure, now I can only wait and see what is going to happen next. The first part, he didn’t even read of acknowledge and his time to respond timed out. He is now in contempt of court, but of course that won’t help. I had to almost do the same thing again and this time I think he has thirty days to respond, after that, it will go to the judge. The waiting is the toughest part, and after it’s all said and done, I still am not sure what’s next. He is staying here still, but not in the house with me, he is in his shop. Lately we have kept any communication to bare minimum and have managed to avoid any new conflicts. Wish me luck all, maybe I might make it after all, I don’t know. Then when it’s all over, maybe I can begin to let go, and start to heal, for now it’s more or less made me numb, and if I don’t have to, I just don’t think about it all. I still haven’t found anyone to really talk to, but it doesn’t seem to matter as much, I’m finding that I am okay with being alone, and I don’t really need to get anyone elses opinions and especially anyones sympathy. I can’t even handle sympathy right now, it feels so degrading to me. So, thanks for listening once again, it helps just knowing you are all out there and I’m not the only one going through all this stuff. Hang in there to anyone starting out with this big adventure, it feels like you will just die, and then you start to wonder if that wouldn’t be better after all, but no, dying is only a permanent solution to what should be a temporary problem. You can make it, you are worthwhile, and they say that life can get better. And you are not crazy, nor is it all your fault. Your only fault is that you allowed it to happen, and if you are here, then you are already trying to fix it…much love to you all.
Wow….going through this now with my current boyfriend and his mom a.k.a his personal “flying monkey.” For four years I’ve been absorbing their negativity and drama….all the while getting blamed for everything. Inevitably, I started becoming toxic myself, acting out in ways that weren’t true to me, and even becoming suicidal. All of my friends have left, one by one, because they couldn’t understand what I was going through. I sit alone in my room for hours, beating myself up over these two monsters. Something about REALLY toxic people-when you first meet them, they APPEAR to be decent, loving people. The masks they wear are so convincing….I feel like such an idiot for opening up my heart so much to these two. I grew up in a poor, single parent narcissistic household, and thought I knew people. Boy, has my boyfriend and his mother proved me wrong! They’re always the victim, nothing is EVER their fault, it’s ok for them to be verbally abusive but God forbid I ever stand up for myself, and the constant triangulation…..my very soul is beyond exhausted. I keep forgetting I’m only 24 years old. My frustration lies in them getting away with their behavior time and time again….karma is sweet but takes awhile haha. The only way I’ve gotten through that dark tunnel is remembering who I was, who I AM, and no longer buying into their projections. I may not be perfect, but I’m at least I’m not them!! That happy, friendly, positive, just all around amazing woman is still in me….and I’ve been allowing her to return more and more. That and as others have said, I no longer allow them to tear me down. No contact is perfect, it’s how I deal with his mom. It might feel weird at first, like a druggie going cold turkey and feeling sick. A natural reaction when you’re purging, literally, absorbed negative emotions. So allow yourself to purge and heal. Don’t rush or even question the process. Allow your soul to heal. And remember, these people have stolen enough of your precious time and joy, don’t allow them to steal anymore. They’re not worth it