We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
Do 8 and 10 not contradict each other…..perhaps….one person’s tone is always open to interpretation by the other…..I think we can all be guilty of both 8 and 10….it’s miscommunication rather than toxic. The rest is excellent though
Not at all – it’s about intention. Of course there will always be some people who wrongly think people are mistended, but most of us can tell when someone speaks with a tone that is intended to lessen, manipulate and control. With number 10, toxic people have a way of hijacking an important conversation by talking about the way you are saying it. They will do this even if there is nothing at all wrong with your tone. The problem with this is the content of the conversations gets sideswiped, and becomes one of you defending your tone, them attacking it – whether or not there is any justification for this. Hope that clarifies things.
My covertly aggressive narcissistic wuzband was the king of vague. He would lie and manipulate the conversation by creating double binds that could be taken “the wrong way” as a way to dominate the conversation. As I would try to explain myself he would start talking over the top of me while I was talking. Then he would interrupt me saying “why are you yelling at me” diverting the conversation and shaming and projecting his behavior to me. As I would state that I wasn’t yelling he would yell “stop interrupting me”. Next thing I knew he would tell me I had used a word incorrectly. Then, we are discussing vocabulary. (Note: he refused to accept that respect means treating others the way you want to be treated – what they were teaching our elementary kids in school). There is no winning or being heard or reaching resolution with a toxic person.
It helped me to realize that I do not need to understand where he is coming from. That kept me trapped and enabled his perculiar behaviors to continue. Also, I do not need to be understood. He used my need to be understanding as a way to shame and guilt and abuse me for 20 years. 8 & 10 are very different manipulative, toxic, and abusive behaviors. They make it very hard for people who have not experienced them to be able to empathize with the victim.
I think this is all true, but I think it is very wrong to give just one side of a so called toxic person.
You have no idea how they grew up, were they taught the proper way to communicate, have they been abandoned by there mother, are they dealing with an illness, cheated on and abused by ex husband.
I’m not making excuses I just hate when blanket statements like this do not take into account for those factors.
I have been working on my “toxic” attitude for many years, I am trying really hard not to repeat the past, but my past lasted for 40 years.
It’s not that simple, all of that and more happened to me.
I went through hell as a child then it affected my adult life.
Just try to remember some people are doing there best to fix the problem.
Saying it like this i can see my Narcissistic Sister sending me this because of course it was all me.
It was so bad with her I had to move away from my whole family. Please, please keep an open mind!!!
Thank you ,Gina
Gina, keep working on it.
Meanwhile, your victim shaming means you have more work to do.
I just realized that I am a toxic person. 🙁
…then you have been given a gift of light, mimi. Light, if only a flicker, dispels darkness, and where there is light, things grow and change! Good strength to you as you keep seeking the light.
So glad I read this discussion before writing to a lifetime friend who doesn’t answer my calls or tests or emails. I’m 70 now, and it feels like a tiring tape I’ve played too often in my lifetime. I happen to be in an impossible predicament (multiple orthopedic issues at once.) She’s been through the same issues twice, and I was always there for her. Boy, did she act wretched at times, but figured it was bc of her pain killers and pain). I wrote and asked her last night asking if she had some information that she could share with me. No reply. I’ve known this friend since we were in high school. I tend to think there’s something wrong with me and want to ask if she’s okay and if there’s something I did to her.
I don’t get it. Like someone wrote up above it’s not my problem anymore. It’s always been about her, I understand now.
Why, why, why go a whole lifetime and throw a friendship out the window? When you share so much history? Fortunately, I have many friends from all walks of life, who make me LOVED and validated.
Thank you for listening to me.
I hope everything is okay! Your friend is very toxic, i think you shouldnt put the effort to talk to her anymore. Please dont waste your time on someone horrible. I can tell you are a very kind humble person. You and many other kind people deserve the world of happiness. But guess what these events make us stronger, now you know what not to do. Here’s some tips that help me; dont focus on the past nor the future only focus on the present time flies and you should enjoy the time you have! Another tip is Dont settle yourself for less you and many nice people deserve more. A third tip is, focus on the people or things that you love for example i love my Grandma and i love dogs, i focus on those things and it has made my life way better!
I hope everything will be better! I love everybody in this world! Have A great day!
Where’s 2 and 3??? Great article thanks clarified a lot of things for me.
My mom has turned into a toxic person and quite a few of these match her. She is hard to be around and when I tell her this she just insists I should avoid her rather than any attempt to be nice to her only daughter. She was emotionally unavailable to me due to her severe depression after the age of 13 or so and abandoned me and my brother 4 years later.
I’m closer to 40 than 30 now and she still thinks she can yell at me when I say something she doesn’t like, a basic simple opinion on something that usually has nothing to do with her. Recently I’ve tried to point out her behavior and express that I have so much that I struggle with that I cannot handle her added stress anymore – she seemed to get even more aggressive. I have had to either treat her like a patient or be honest with her and I was advised to be honest and when I did that suddenly she is convinced I have turned on her and now claims she can never trust me again. Because I was honest that I feel she is not nice to me.
I’ve always had to katow to her emotions and have always been a good daughter. I treat her and everyone else in the world like gold and she has no reason to be angry with me. I am a lesbian and I left Texas to be with my wife and we have a lovely life and she makes comments about me leaving her. She insists she is stuck in her town but it is an excuse.
I have a lot of my own issues I have to take care of and I feel deep empathy for her but I am doing all I can to take care of her but she won’t be nice to me or even acknowledge how she is. Not sure what else there is for me to do. She makes comments about dying and I think suicide is a risk for her at this point and it scares me.
I have a therapist but it’s not helping. She deeply needs one but would never consider it.
To be honest, I have been reading a lot about the topic of toxic people, and I just don’t know what to do, what to think.
I have this friend for a long time now. We both recently moved to a new country with our boyfriends. Our friendship was ok back home but since I moved here (we came few months after them) everything’s been going downfall. I am the one who always calls, we always go when she can, to the place she likes near her home. I asked her to change to something half way, she always has an excuse why she can’t. She is a smoker so every coffee place has to have a terrace and we have to sit outside even if it is cold. When we ask both of them to come to our place, or that we all could get together somewhere she refuses, every time with the excuse. And then we see them out or somewhere with some other couple, when they said to us that they can’t because they are working or something like that.
Also, whenever we are talking, afterwords I feel like the stupid one. Everything I say is wrong, she know better. When it happens that I can’t go for coffee (because I am at work) she insists, and tells jokes (which are not jokes but she makes them sound like that) that I should take a day of, or go early from work.
And when I asked her one day if she’s for coffee she got mad because she works. And I didn’t know because she works shifts and I don’t know if she is free or not.
And when I confront her when she doesn’t reply to my messages she says something like: “You know, that is cold work and obligations.” Sounding like I don’t work or I don’t have any obligations. Only she has a life.
And maybe it is stupid (she will definitely tell me so if I mention this) – I know when something is wrong or she is mad, not because she tells me, but when she starts to ignore me. By texts usually. You know, seen and she doesn’t reply, or she does, the next day?! Like, she was busy and she works, and she has a life so she can’t respond in the same day at least. And she ignores FB posts too. I didn’t have her like for anything in the past months because she was mad at me. She wouldn’t tell me, I found out later on. And whenever she is mad, she won’t tell me, I just notice she doesn’t like anything mine on FB, but always likes everything else from other friends. And If I mention this, usually I get a response like: “You know, FB isn’t everything, it is not about how much likes you get.” Or: “Geez I didn’t see your post. Didn’t like it immediately and now the whole world doesn’t like you. The world doesn’t revolve around you, get over it!”
And tons of other small things that drive me mad and I don’t know what to do.
Is it me, I even read about could it be that I am the one that is being toxic?
Because all of this makes me wonder, because she has some good sides too. She listens, she can have a compliment or two now and then. We can laugh at some stupid shit.
So maybe I am doing something wrong or over-exaggerating things?
Or I should call it quits?
I am just dumbfounded at all of this 🙁
Thank you for any insight!!
B
My suggestion is to Call it Quit for a period of time, Make her understands things can get better without her, she is not your sources of income, she is Not your God, sometimes people do not like Goods Things around them until it Gone before realizing it Good
So after reading this, I realized that I am the toxic one in the relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a 1 year and a half now. We had some rough patches and were able to work them out through constant communication. This year we struggled a lot to the point where I think he’s giving me signs that it won’t last much longer now. I neglected him this semester because I was extremely busy with school. I really thought I was making more time for him. In January, he announced he’s moving to East Asia for who knows how long. Now that I think about it, I thought I was okay with it but it made me really insecure. I projected to him and now we’ve made a mess of things and just waiting to see what happens now. I still desire to be with him and I’m seeking counseling to help me and us. I understand there comes a point that being with a toxic person for a long time can make people more hesitant to continue. I am seeking help and am hoping to grow in my thinking.
Honestly Liz, I don’t think you are the one that is toxic. Is he doing anything to help himself? Are you the only one making an effort to change? Is he willing to admit he might be wrong sometimes too? It does take two people to work on a relationship, and if you were going to school, did he support you, help you, try to make it easier for you? IT sounds to me like he isn’t taking any responsibility for his share in your arguments and not offering you any options. I just looked at the age of your comment so you will probably miss this but maybe someone will catch it, I don’t know. I’m just saying it is my experience that the toxic one would not be the one trying to fix things and that’s what you are doing. Just sayin…
My ex husband (of 7 years) is toxic, he is a narcissist but I didn’t even know what that was until a year or two ago. Once I started researching things became clear. Now that I know what he is, I’m trying to undo the damage he’s done to me. He has belittled me, shamed me, guilted me, played on my weaknesses and bullied me financially and accuses me of behaviour I do not do. We have two children together and I fear what twisted tales he tells them, all the while accusing me of speaking negatively about him to my boys. I don’t do that, it would be incredibly hurtful and insulting to my children to badmouth their father, who they love and is someone they look up to. But over the past 7 years his treatment of me has started to affect my health, and certainly my well being. My counselor has suggested I limit all contact with him to email only. My worry is the kids will see me as the one to blame for why all of a sudden I don’t go in his house anymore, or why he’s not welcome in my home when we exchange the boys. I want distance, I don’t want him invading my safe places. I’m finding it every difficult to balance keeping things as normal as we can for the boys (15 and 12) and keeping myself safe emotionally from his toxic behavior and power over me. He knows which buttons to push, where my weaknesses lie. Money and my kids. He implies I don’t care about my kids and threatens me with his money. Tries to scare me, and in the past it’s worked, which is why he keeps doing it. But I’ve stopped reacting, I’ve stopped letting him see me cry, I’ve stopped defending myself in emails. I recently called him out on a blatant lie, knowing it would make things worse for me. But I’m tired of being pushed around. My oldest didn’t want to come to my house this week, and I know the timing is not coincidental. I can just imagine the thoughts my ex is putting into his head about me and my boyfriend (who lives with us). He’s bitter, angry and a textbook narcissist. How do I limit my contact with him but still show my kids I’m here for them if they won’t talk to me? My oldest hasn’t answered a text from me in almost two weeks. When I picked up his brother this week he was nowhere in sight, like he purposely doesn’t want to see me. Soon I will get a dramatic email from my ex about how we need to discuss what’s happening with my son. The issue though is what’s happening with my son is mostly what my ex is creating. I feel defeated and completely unable to fight for what’s fair.
My children were exactly the 12 and 15 when I separated from my ex husband and we were together for 17 years. Love is blind, so I never saw the signs of a mentally abusive man until the day I confessed our marriage was over. There was never anyone else, which was worse for him, as he couldn’t accuse me of having and affair. I wanted him to meet someone nice and hoped we could remain friends; he put himself onto a dating site before moving out of the marital home; this was when he really showed his true colors. He used the children to pass messages onto their mother and after returning to the family with love bites around his neck, for us all to see, he thought it funny. He moved in with this same woman and was engaged before our divorce was through. The years which followed he manipulated our children along with his new wife’s help and has continually belittled me whenever he can by putting me down; he has told the children lies. I had to change my house number as it was impossible for me to have any support with my son who had behavior problems from a young age. My son during his teens became heavily addicted to Cannabis and I asked my ex for support, but I got nothing, so he continued
with having abusive behavior, until I had become very poorly with mental and physical exhaustion due to the stress of buying my ex out of the family home; where one morning out of concern for my son breathing badly, from smoking Cannabis heavily one night I approached him and he screamed in rage and thought he could bully me when all I had done was showed concern. I told my son to leave and he refused, so I called the police. My ex and is wife have manipulated my son into making me look like a dreadful mother. My son and I have been estranged for nearly three year; I have never had my exes support. I have recently become a grand-mother and my ex told his family he did not want them having contact with me because I am his ex crazy wife; I have had him and his wife posting comments on my daughter’s Facebook, implying my daughter needs to move out of the family home and the sooner the better. This has been his latest ploy and it’s ten years since we parted. It is obvious my ex and his wife are very bitter and very jealous; and ten years now passed, I have accepted he will never want me to be happy and will continue to make my life a misery. So my advice is to make sure you have control over what is being said to your children and correct them with positive comments when they confirm nasty ones. Have control over the interaction with your ex with regards the children and never say a bad word about their father. Finally try to limit your contact with him as much as possible so you can work on building your self-worth. Good Luck!
Hi, I am at my wits end myself. I love my sister with all my heart. But she has this uncanny way of making everything I do or do not do wrong. It has been that way for as long as I remember. After a terrible divorce and then then a wonderful but short lived remarriage after 7 years, I am now a widow at 55. We knew each other for ages but we’re each married to different people and not involved at all. Once divorced I needed the time, a whole lot of time to deal with the hurt and betrayal from that marriage. But after 7 years we found each other and we both were blessed with such happiness that I feel God saved the best for last. My sister said she was too busy for the wedding.
Now he is gone and after 2 years I moved to the state she lives in because of years we had planned on moving here. So now what I feel was maybe not such a great idea, I moved into her home. Oh my Lord what have I done. I don’t go out enough, I don’t do the activities she wants me to do, I don’t do things the way she wants me too like she wants me to do it.
If I try and say anything, I’m making excuses, I’m a complainer (hahaha… Have to laugh at that one) but only when I tell her No!!! Then she wants to know what’s my excuse.
Let’s not mention…. My wedding anniversary is in a few weeks… Or that I have worked since I was 14 and now that my income has been reduced substantially I feel so uncertain or that I lost our home a year after he died…or that I pulled my self up by my self… Bought me a car and paid cash… Got my own affairs in order ….Without anyone before I came to her home!!!!!
Talking to her is like watching paint dry…. My mouth literally drops open and dries out… She does not hear a word you say. I have been hear for 3 months. I have my own income… Pay her 200. For my room and I buy my food. I have my car!!! Is it me???? What … How do these people even manage to treat people like this? I am so confused. I am looking for a good church just to get some relaxation and pressure reduced and then a good therapist…
I just want to live in peace. I feel so conflicted and confused about this situation. She knows my income is not what is was ( retired from nursing field) but I pay my way. I try to avoid the mood swings. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
You know reading all these stories makes me realise I’m not the only one. I have been going through this for 2 years of a 4 year relationship. God it’s hard work not wanting to give up on a man you love, but for me hard as it will be, the time has come to let go. My man is just like all the rest described, wrong about nothing. I’m made feel like I am to blame for everything that went wrong in his past and he is punishing me for all the wrong done to him. He has a major chip on his shoulder. i can’t do it anymore, time is moving on for me I’m 53 now and just want proper happiness now. I have learned a lot today from reading the different stories and i know it will help me move on. Thanks to all
I’ve been thinking about all this for so long, and reading up on it and just trying to understand the hold they get on us. Never in a million years would I have allowed the treatment I have put up with my toxic jerk. So why him? I’ve read repeatedly that it’s because we are such nice people us empaths and we just keep hoping that one day we can say or do something that will finally get through to them, and then we can live happily ever after. My thoughts are that this is partially true to a certain extent but I think it’s a little more than that. I’m not saying that wouldn’t be an ideal thing to have happen and it’s all well and good, but maybe it’s a bit more selfish than that.
They accuse us all the time of things we know we didn’t do, they conveniently forget what really happened and make us miserable to the point we either drop it or let them go on thinking what they want to. It’s just easier and there is no way we can change their minds about it. And after a while we just accept the fact that if we want to be any sort of happy at all we have to let go of wanting them to admit they could be wrong. It’s not going to happen. And we just continue on going downhill faster and faster until one day we start to wonder if they are right, that it really is all our fault and maybe we just aren’t seeing it right. Maybe we are the crazy ones and we are the ones that just can’t admit we are wrong or that something in us is so flawed that we can’t see it. I can only speak for yself here and perhaps you won’t feel this way, but I did. And then one day he accused me of stuff that is so ridiculous I started to see right through him and that’s when I knew things had to change, that i didn’t want to live out the rest of my years feeling so unhappy. I wanted some peace in my life. And that was the beginning of the end for me. I want to know what peace feels like.
I digress, and back to what I started to point out. I stayed so long and still fight it every single day, even after divorce and him being sort of gone from my life. What I want now isn’t so much for him to be helped, it’s more that I want him to finally, once and for all, admit that he was wrong. That I wasn’t that horrible person he wants to think I am. I want to be vindicated. I want him somehow to admit that I wasn’t the bad guy in this relationship, I was so much better than he thought. Or still does think. Just once I would like to hear him say, I’m sorry. I was wrong to act that way, and you were a good person. To admit that he didn’t deserve someone like me. I think if he could just once admit that to me and mean it, I would be able to walk away so much easier. And that is why it’s so hard to leave them, because I feel that by walking away I am finally admitting he was right all along. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier mind you, because I know I will never get that satisfaction. And I also know that what happened between us wasn’t all his fault and that I made a lot of mistakes too and i try to take responsibility for my part in it all and to own my own screw ups, but it wasn’t ALL my fault. But it isn’t all about him now, and it is all about me when I say this. That is a lot of the reason I could never just walk away, it’s wasn’t my kind nature wanting to help him at all costs.
I don’t know why I feel this is important to put into words other than I need to be brutally honest these days and admit that it wasn’t out of some selfless reason that I stayed. I wanted to be vindicated by the one person on this earth that doesn’t have it in him to do.
I was in a toxic relationship for 5 full years with “Bob” and he ran hot and cold. Everything was everyone else’s problem when things weren’t right and I was always wrong and the bad part it was whenever I asked about his inconsistencies, he always had excuses or I remembered it wrong and sometimes he wouldn’t return my texts or calls or even emails or they were “just ridiculous”. He was doing his important government things and couldn’t be bothered and would cancel at the last moment all the time yet I was to drop my plans anytime for him and when I finally caught him red handed cheating online I was the horrible person. I finally had enough and sent his boss the information on his behavior and his threats against me. Going no contact is the only way with a narcissist.
Amen!
I was married to a toxic narcissist for 18 years. I compare it to living in a blender. You float around managing to keep your head above the water-line, knowing that at any minute, the switch will be flipped and you WILL get chopped up and be forced to survive a veritable maelstrom. Just when you think all hope is lost, the switch gets turned off and you float in circles, thankful for the reprieve, but aware that it’s just a matter of time….
Well done good for you x
One of the biggest things in life I found out as a child is…grown ups lie..and if they’ll lie to a child they’ll lie to anyone..especially themselves. I grew up with a tough father but I love him and..i understand him now. It comes with age..the answers are never out there..they are inside us..piss on peoples oppions. Half of them know shit. I’ve been harrassmed . made fun of. Lied to..not only by friends and family but by our government to..if someone want to be there with you..theyll be there. And if they can’t they rant worth it.
I’m in relationship with a woman for more than two years now and it’s like our relationship is being described here. And I see that there’s a lot of toxic people out there. But is there a way to make people realize, that they are toxic and can they change?
People will change when they feel enough pain, but what counts as ‘enough’ is different for everyone. The problem with toxic people is that they are very slow to own their impact on people and they will tend to see everything as someone else’s fault. Conversation is key in trying to make someone aware of the pain they might be causing, but there may also come a point where the only way to stop the pain is to walk away from the relationship. Fight for your relationship by talking and by listening, but decide how long you are going to stay if you don’t see any change. It’s tough, I know, but there’s no easy way through this – time and conversation.
No mean spirit intended, but you can’t talk to these toxic people. I have tried and it just doesn’t work when they attack you. They will do anything to be superior. They are not interested in a mutual agreement or meeting of minds. There is something wrong inside of them. Specially when they gas light you, twist words, project, lie and smear you. You just can’t talk to these people.
I have a family member who is a complete sociapath
towards myself and my younger son she has done some major hateful stuff,she has lately blew up on me badly and told me she has always hated me but in a really abusive cursing manor,and said she only put on she liked me because of my son,I have always known there is something wrong with her as she is very abusive and cruel to my so who is with her verbally with words but has been violent to.
this has been going on yrs and she has now just started to turn her attention to me she sends me really bad evil messages through my Facebook to the point it has got so bad I have blocked her off all my media stuff but then I get more for doing that even though she has always never had me on hers, it has got so bad she is emailing my sisters and telling them lies I have no idea what she tells them but they will not speak to me and have also blocked me of any communication for them.I have to try to live a secret life which is so hard as an example I have a new car and she gives me so much abuse for having a new car,and I have just moved house and she is being so hateful over my new home for no reason,I am 55yrs old and she is always trying to physically fight with me.
my son just stands there and lets her do or say anything and literally,I once made a complete break and it was wonderful because they new nothing about our lives for about a year but they were still causing trouble by telling my sisters loads of lies for my sons sake I gave them a second try,I have done nothing but help them I give them money I helped them move home I buy there children clothes and presents all the time and after around a year of this she has just told me she has always hated me so its back to square 1,
my middle son they both hurt so bad for no reason its like they have nothing better to do than pick certain family members I am a full time carer to my youngest son who has autism so I have enough on my plate without all this it is so unfair whats really driving me insane is when they argue and she kicks my son out he shows up on our doorstep even though he has got other places he can stay,and takes over our house but he dose it in a way where he make you feel so guilty and you feel your house is not your own,and you get dragged into all there badness its disgusting.he refuses point blank to get a flat and he is 37 yrs old he just free loads off us and spends his money on drugs,when there together they both spend all there money on drugs.they have no carpets down for the children because all there money goes on wrong stuff.We can,t trust him why he’s in our home we have to lock all the rooms and sheds because they will steal from us,and we even have to watch what we say because despite what he says he always goes back to her and tells her all our private things we don’t want to get back to her even though we ask him not to I don’t really have anybody to help me so would love to see what other people think or would do as its been going on to long and is getting worse and more harmful.
My advice to you is to send written letters to your sisters saying on the front of the envelope that this person is a liar about all of the stuff they say you’ve done. Then, move somewhere where this person can’t contact you again since it worked the last time. And then get a therapist!!!
These people have no conscience. I was living with one as a child. A brother. Abusive behaviour started early. I have decided to write about my childhood abuse and publish how it affects the whole family. These terrible behaviours start in childhood and I think it’s important to get the word out there. There are a lot of victims that are married and in relationships with these awful people with deplorable behaviours. Please follow me at @laura_corbeth to get my updates. I have an important story to tell.
Can someone be a sweetheart with everyone else in the world and toxic only with the spouse?
Yes absolutely. If this is the case, it’s the relationship that’s toxic. Toxic people are often drawn to people with open, generous hearts. Having an open generous heart is a wonderful thing, unless you are in a relationship with someone who will take full advantage of that for their own needs and wants. No relationship is perfect, and no person is perfect, but some combinations of people can cause so much damage to one or both of the people involved. The qualities you have might be wonderful qualities, and ones you don’t want to lose, but they might be making it easier for the toxic person to take advantage of the emotional resources in the relationship. It’s always important to have boundaries, even with the people we love.
This has really caused me to look at myself, question my actions, see another devastating failure that I played a role in, perhaps the key role. I wasn’t always the nice guy. I resisted the pressure to change. I fought against the countless arguments, the countless assaults, the countless desecration. I cried deeply over my appalling reactions and behaviour. I desperately sought to educate myself to be a better man, to respond rather react, to embrace rather than hide, to build a better relationship. I countlessly questioned myself, “am I the villain, the psychopath, the sociopath, am I the toxic person, the narcissist. I sought, desperately, to change that if I was. In one year I’ve read over 15 books, read numberless articles, searched through countless webpages and journals. I started listening to subliminals, following umeditations, I actually grew calmer, retrained myself to respond when confronted, to assert myself when I felt disrespected or abused. Yet all through this, through the changes I couldn’t stop certain behaviours. Sometimes when confronted I sought to correct the problem by not allowing my partner to snipe me. If I got hit I would pursue her with questions. I would educate her, or try to, why I didn’t like that. That tactic only worsened the drama causing days of stonewalling, glares, withheld affection until I apologised and accepted full responsibility. Then I’d spend days avoiding her, wounded and full of unresolved issues to carry around, knowing full well they’d never be resolved. I’d go back to being like a little child, waiting for the next blowup and trying to be good so I could receive one speck of love and assurance. In essence, I was a dog left in the back yard, watching through the sliding glass door anyone, everyone but me getting love, laughter and attention. This morning I woke up feeling sad, recounting good times we’ve had and wondering why I wasn’t a better man. I went through the lists of what ifs, I began losing myself as I recounted my behaviour and I sobbed. I sobbed hard for her and what I must’ve put her through. I sobbed hard believing I’m losing a wonderful woman because I’m such an asshole. I’m losing her because I didn’t connect with her, even though I tried. I failed her like I failed all the others through the years. I went deeper into myself and began criticising myself harshly, spanking and punishing my inner child. Then I came in my room and started writing this post. As I wrote I began remembering all the effort I put into this relationship. I remembered all the sacrifice, the changes and the way no matter what, I was never right, good enough or, in her own words, as nice as I looked. These are devaluations. And while it not uncommon in a healthy relationship to express or experience these on occasion, they happen much more frequently in a toxic relationship. So now I’m thinking “I couldn’t have done anything right”. “I couldn’t have given more”. “I was unable to make her happy because she’s not happy “. I want to love again. I truly do. I’m not sure, after all this, I’ll be able to give myself to another. It scares the hell out of me. But still, there’s that desire to try. How can I? It’s like removing my eyes and asking me to look at something. I suppose you learn how.
Hey man, I feel that pain, or to be more precise: I used to. I really recommend the book “No More Mr Nice Guy”, it helped me resolve many of the same problems you mention. If she is stonewalling you for asserting your boundaries and having self respect, that is her problem. My life and relationships improved a lot from asserting my boundaries, and I have started to enjoy life again in a way that I had previously lost. I think if you assert yourself more she will respect that, and if not then your life will no doubt be happier without her. Good luck!
People can like you for who you are..if they don’t piss on them. You seem like a nice and caring man. If you’re kind .ho EST and treat people with respect you’ll find a woman out there who will love ya back.
I have a few “toxics” within my family circle. One thing they all have in common : they can’t keep it real even if they try. They’re all lying narcissists who think they’re all that and a bag of chips. They also have a big chip on their shoulder, and a big mouth to go with it. Stay away from such people. Well, there’s only so much compassion to go around. When people don’t know God, they just don’t know better. Don’t stoop to their level. Walk away and keep shining
You can say that again!
I just left a toxic friendship yesterday. She was not a friend She is a control freak. I felt smothered could not have other friends. She has a chip on her shoulder. At 69 years old, I she know better. I walked away activities I love doing because of her. Life is too short and I want to enjoy what life I have left. Better to have no friend, then to be in a toxic friendship. Thanks for listening. Hugs, Blondie7
aww i hope you are doing well!
Honestly, that’s about all you can do. I’ve decided I’d rather be completely alone and have no family connections that have connections to people like that. And you know what? You’re better off.
One classic trick they like to pull is the co-dependent trick. They try to project at you that you need to depend on them for something from their deep fear of abandonment.
All you can do is learn how to be individually strong and self-sufficient. It’s only then that no one has ANY power over you and you are free to choose how you want to live and who you want in your life, period.
Very important to stay away forever from toxic people. They never change. I have 2 siblings who are drug addicted and so toxic. I tried everything I could for them but they keep hurting me so I stay away from them now. I also have children to protect from them, they are mean with them too. My kids are young and also need to be taught to stay away from toxic relationships. I have stage 4 cancer and just can’t take it anymore.
I have a friend who didn’t come to see me when I was in the hospital for 3 months after a breakdown. She said in a birthday card that I was more than a friend that I was like family.
if I was like family, like her sister, she definitely would have come to see me even though she lives out of state.
When she was drinking I went to her place which is in another state. I took her to her first AA meeting. She met her husband there. Now she has 2 homes. one in Raleigh and one in the mountains of North Carolina. So I know she had enough time and money to have visited me when this time I needed her. So I sent her a text asking her why. She sent me a message saying she needed to process it. Yesterday she called and I didn’t catch it in time so I called her back immediately and got her voice mail.
She only calla when she’s in her car on a long trip or when I humble myself and ask her to call me. I still want to know why.
Obviously they are both hurting deeply people don’t become addicted to drugs for no reason .this goes very deep and there very unwell . But there is nothing you can do to help them , they need to want to get help them selfs .good luck
Nice
Nice that’s it
Me and my bff met this person her name is ruby we were all friends she is older then us but we still all cared about her a lot. We would always joke around and call each other names. Then one day she got mad at us we’ll her friend said not mad annoyed but I don’t believe it. I think it been about a month now and their have been times when I wanted to talk to her so bad my bff who also loved talking to ruby and cared about Her name is Audrey her grandma was in the hospital and wanted to ask ruby something but she said she wasn’t going to call her be she wouldn’t answer 💔 we have tried contacting her but she never answers. Audreys grandmas neighbor is the same age as ruby so she talked to her and she said that more than likely after about a week or two she would come back like I said it’s been about a month now. And we let her explain how she felt so we would know how to fix it but after she messaged back she blocked us right away we would never intentionally hurt her we love talking to her everyday we would I hope she comes back and gives us another chance me and Audrey were so upset we cried for like a week and it still hits us hard 😭❤️
In between reading this and posting I had yet another screaming fight on the phone with the man who’s been the love of my life and the source of so much emotional pain over what will be 20 fucking years (!!!) come May 1st. Obviously, that’s far too long a time to describe, and I also accept that I must be both co-dependent and partially at blame. We’ve known each other since I was 17; I am now 56, and he is 59. I know we are soulmates, and that to the extent he is capable, he loves me. He isn’t a cruel person, merely narcissistic. I have PTSD, originally from severe childhood trauma, exacerbated by continuing emotionally abusive relationships with other family members. I am an extremely strong and self aware person, and actively avoided and refused to even consider involvement with anyone who was even a tiny bit abusive or controlling, until 1997. We had awful timing for the first 20 years, but things finally seemed to be coming together, and I committed myself fully. But for the first 5 years that we were together, circumstances beyond my control made life difficult, and his reactions, along with some of the behaviors described above exacerbated the situation, as well as my PTSD, then still undiagnosed. (I’m writing a run on paragraph to save space.) I finally had to leave him, but we were both unable to end it. Believe me, I’ve tried. I went into treatment for PTSD, and I improved for awhile. But then I wound up having to stay with my abusive mother, who constantly triggered me. I’ve moved away and severed all contact (ironically capable of that with her and my sister), but in doing so I’ve put myself in a location where I’m completely isolated and alone. I’m not the type to be with someone because of financial reasons, but I always hoped my dreams of this relationship working out would somehow come true, and after being totally alone without contact for months, I decided that being with him, faults and all, was better than spending the rest of my life alone like this. Being with someone, anyone else, just isn’t an option for me. But his behavior, while probably no more severe, has become far more difficult for me to tolerate, probably since the recent presidential campaign and election. I see soooo many similarities between his behavior and Trump’s! It’s constantly triggering me to the point that I’m sabotaging myself through my reactions, which convinces him I’m the problem, not him. I’ve tried explaining, of course, but it’s been 20 years of the same patterns. Broken promises, claims of “forgetting”, excuses every time he opens his mouth, fighting tooth and nail against doing anything I ask of him (like researching PTSD) but insisting he “loves me”, CONSTANTLY talking over me and hanging up on me during an argument which naturally triggers me, and a certain amount of gas lighting, which, compared to my mother he’s an amateur at. Tonight, he called after hanging up on me last night, was “surprised” I was still upset after 24 hours (after doing the same thing for nearly 2 decades with the same result- has he met me?), spoke over me, and when I challenged him to prove he really did the research into PTSD he claimed, which I don’t believe he ever did, first came the excuses and then the bullshit general statements any idiot could make. By then my blood pressure was so high I was about to have a stroke so I simply hung up, took the landline off the hook, poured a glass of wine, and started typing. I still don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m not the easiest person to live with; I know this. I’m perhaps a bit too complicated for my own happiness. I love him, but I’m too intelligent to walk knowingly into a situation I know won’t work and why. This really sucks. Thanks for letting me vent, and sorry for the stream of consciousness and any typos.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m in a relationship with a Narcissistic man. We are both 53. It’s confusing because it’s like dealing with someone with multiple personality disorder. I never know what mood I’ll get from moment to moment.
I hope by now you’ve left this person. There is NO relationship if the person you’re with is NPD. They never get better and in fact, get worse. The trauma and head games they play will never end. The day you wake up from the horror show you invested so much of your life on I will say only one word to help you on your journey……..RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN. There is no other way. Do whatever it takes to get away and start over. Move far away and get a new number. Stop social media. They don’t give up trying to manipulate you back into their broken-minded lives. Most of this took place when they were young and now they hate the world for who they are. There is no compromise and if you think I’m oblver the top, the day will come when you back on these words and know how true they are. It’s time, break your own heart and go through the overwhelming sadness and regret that you’ve left someone stranded or you didn’t fulfill promises. It will pass and you will begin to see manipulators before ever investing energy like the past. Get peace for YOU while you are still a vibrant person.
We have so much in common it’s uncanny. I finally came to this sight by chance, out of frustration and was wowed by “reading my life”. I started with a BA in psychology eons ago to try to understand myself and other people. After checking myself into the “looney bin” in my late forties was told I overthink things and I’m seeing now that I always have. I am also 56. A light bulb is now gong off regarding people our age and the incredible and mostly unnecessary suffering some of us have endured due to lack of knowledge and understanding way back when. My mother believed that searching through my belongings and finding something she didn’t like was not only ok but only years later would I find out why she’d been cold and angry with me for those months. My father believed in “constructive criticism” never ever complimented me or told me he was proud or loved me. However, both were wonderful in so many ways and I will forever love them dearly. But I learned very early on to gauge body language and tone for self preservation. My life so far reads like many others with happiness and heartache some of which are almost unbelievable. But the main thing I wanted to share with you is that I met a man when I was 17. He was my first and only until he broke up with me for the first time to see if he could do better. He was back within months and at 23 we married, we had four beautiful children before he ran to get a vasectomy. By the time our 20th anniversary was looming I was so broken I was self destructing in many colorful ways and unbeknownst to me, my husband was colluding with my mother behind my back. He was telling her I was acting inappropriately and she, true to form, began to act cold and accusatory without actually telling me what was going on. You see, the other thing I was raised to do was to put family first, never air your dirty laundry, and be completely faithful to your husband to the point of continuously assuring everyone that he was an amazing human being in every way. I left him. My parents decided I would no longer be the executor of their will. My siblings were in shock and my children obviously upset and unhappy. I stayed away a year, a few blocks over, until caving to pressure to give it another try. However, I was lucky to have met a gentle, intelligent and loving man in the mean time. I was also lucky that he waited for me. Within a year it became unbearable again and I finally left for good. With massive consequences of course. Over ten years later I am happy in a way I never thought possible. That man, I had thought was the love of my life, and spent 26 years with, is now a nightmare I have occasionally. It is never “not an option” to leave, there is always a way.
Wow, Ladies, I hear my life story within your posts. I am a 56-year old that has been married for twenty-four years. After the first five years of marriage, I asked myself why am I still here? Now, we sleep in separate rooms our money has been separated for years, and I do not engage in intimacy with him or anyone for over six years. He is a functioning alcoholic, so there are some of my issues. I am in no way trying to say I am perfect, but I have not figured out how to get out of this relationship. I love his mother dearly, and I know she loves me for caring for her son, but I need love too.
I am in school at this time for my B.A. in Applied Behavior Science; I want to be a Case Manager for a youth organization. I love children, and if he were not an alcoholic, I would have become a foster mom. I am not blaming him for my choices, but I know too well how it feels to be abused, and I will not allow anyone to experience that due to my bad choices. That part of my dream is pushed aside I will one day become a foster mom and help some child in need.
There is some much I can share but I will not help me at this moment. I have turned to positive affirmation and I feel better about myself.
If known my new friend for about 2 months and every day we get into a fight. She blames it on me when I didn’t even do anything but today she told my teacher that I was prankstering her but the week before that she told my class mean thing about her. someone please help this situation.
What a tough time you are having . !
It maybe that you are struggling deeply with abandonment issues from your childhood and at they get triggered every time you are with your partner . Its sounds like seeking out situations where you will feel abandoned but your hope is to heal them instead . Freud said we seek out to repeat the trauma in hope to put it right . Like you say yourself you are setting yourself up . Its a total tragedy and I cant begin to inagine the sadness you carry inside. The longer you stay with a person like your partner the more destroyed you will become until there is nothing left of you . Its important you begin to understand that . Its the child in you that brings you back into the relationship again ehilst the adult part of you knows its wrong . So strong are our childhood needs and we act them out unconsciously . I think you know you need to leave him , have very linited contact if any and learn with help from a good therapist how to live with your feelings of aloness and isolation . Get to know yourself first. it will feel scarier than anything you have ever done but your life will slowly change , your soul will rest and begin to smile . when you smile friends will emerge where you least expected it .
Its a journey …. one you must do to look after yourself . As for your mother …limited contact there too .
You are saving your oen life now , not anyone elses .
Yes the PTSD may be there and you nay suffer from complex traumatic stress disorder …you will need help for a while … but dont you deserve it . You may be in another relationship in time to come and you will then have to make sure you do not project what was dobe to you . That is again why you need lots and lots of support .Take it , and allow your self to be free ftom this terrible prison .You and your life deserve so much more .
I would just like to say that everything ritten is the same as what I am currently going through! I have no family apart from my mother who has been completely brain washed by my other half to the point that she is happy to accuse me of being a skitserfrenic. She is all about my sister and her family and how wonderful they are! Which is far from the truth! I have no friends anymore and the mozza who never showed my feelings and being some1 who was not to be messed with the respect I had and the gob I was known for has slowly been taken from me. I have a son with him and he is my world. I am not going to ruin his family because of my own selfish reasons. I did split with him for a year 3 years ago and I had the best time I had had in years. I had to do things that I am not proud of so I could provide for my son but I am not going to explain my self for that ever. He will never know. I didn’t find it difficult to do as I have been used and abused by men all my life so why not take the abuse and earn money from it? I am so lost and reading the 12 signs is like a slap in the face for me. I am not mad! I am not alone! I am going to get through this. I am going to ask for your help and advice along the way and I am going to get me back! I just hope that I haven’t left it too late to get the upper hand and start beliveing in myself again! Thank you!
I have been through the exact same senerios no need to get into detail, about it, the important thing is that I got through it even when I felt as though I never would at the time all I can say is that once I left the entire situation behind me I soon began to heal and that in order for me to make my life a much better and happier place I had to let go and move on I realize that I had to become a selfish individual taking care of my needs my wants my goals, I quite allowing others to manipulate my decisions it’s my life not anyone else’s and now that I am hitting the big 50 having been single for 6 years taking care of only me without any feelings of guilt or co-dependacy I’ve managed to become a much happier independent person who is quite confident and successful and I done it all on my own because now I can live my life by helping others to help themselves without getting caught up into their predicaments I learned that when I don’t need anyone to do me no favors and I accept the responsibilities to be that of my own people will treat you the way they do because you allow them too plain and simple I never could really understand the concept untill I did. And if you were to have known me all the way up to 6 years ago and you could see me now you would saw wow how did you do it. And to think that I have come out of a dependant sheltered childhood of anger issued co-dependacy I was the quiet easy going puppet on a string always doing what I’m told never able to express my own opinions or able to make my own decisions in my life nothing I ever did was ever good enough because I believed everything I was told which was always negative criticism nothing was ever about what I wanted I felt worthless and alone for years it’s what has costed me two marriages and the ability to hold down a job causing me to be dependant on someone else always. Today I am a single 50 year old woman with a career in medical coding and billing I have my own life with my own house my own car and I did it without the help of anybody but myself I am what I am today because of me and I have never been happier.
You, like everyone else here, has the right to comment but unless you’ve been in these people’s shoes (I’m right there with you all) keep your narcissistic opinion to yourself. Be silent. Keep reading and you may be enlightened to a totally different world of inner turmoil that is real and unfortunately exists.
Hi there,
Im so sorry for all that has happened. I am getting over ptsd. And honestly the best thing to do is to get away from any toxic situations and just work on healing yourself. Love can be super complicated in what you want vs dont want but this healing is about you!! Please go somewhere where you can meet new people and are happy and are away from this hurtful stuff…it will really help.
Ariel. not a therapist.
I have fought tooth and nail to please someone or try and be there and I only ever get shut out oneday im loved and missed the next day its like I don’t even exist I do not demand attention I only wanted some form of basoc communication but they refuse to open up and say things like they feel they can not talk to me . I dont get how you can tell someone you love them miss them etc but then make someone feel like there hard to talk to I really do not know what to do it feels like im being mentally tortured its been going on for over seven years
I have been in this relationship for 8 years and he now has another relationship going on three years which I found out about. He claim he started the relationship whn we had broken up for a month( which o can’t recall mind you). I really want to stop crying and feeling this constant heart ache but I don’t think I am strong enough. I want to be happy again I want to laugh again but I can’t . I know it’s not a good place to be, I know all of the advises of loving myself etc but how do u find the strength. What am I to do to get the courage
I totally get you.
The n for me was the mother who gave birth to me.
I had to go into recovery with
“Narcissist Abuse Recovery Programme”
It has slowly started to change my life.
Check it out…if you like.
Just enter “melanie tonia evans “/”NARP
…she has many YouTube’s too.
The programme is Very life changing and
Recommends total No Contact
With a narcissist.
I wish you so much healing
Much love
Jude xxx
Read mr unavailable and the fall back girl . E book on baggage reclaim . I found it helpful . And a poem called do not
Date mr narcissistic by Vicki lines . Google both .
It seems some date for the wrong reasons..people should feel comfortable with one another..never have to guess what the other one is thinking kind of thing. Always be up front and face to face…it seems to work.i hope it all works out for you. Have a blessed night.
I have been in a relationship with a friend for over fifteen years. I am so thankful to know I am not the only one that has allowed someone like this in my life. Thanks
I don’t know If any kind people will believe me when I say this. Everyone around me right this moment has a some of these bad thing’s that they do. Even my own family. EVERYONE treats me badly. And some people I know do ALL these bad things. But It’s true that you can’t do anything about It. Believe me I tried. Only smart people will listen to you. They’re cruel, unforgiving, ungrateful, evil, never listen, never apologize, never appreciate, never surrender for making mistakes and always lie and say they are right and I am wrong, always judge, feel pity for me, believe I am incapable and stupid, when I answer for anything they dismiss, ignore, forget me and close the conversation. One thing I am sure about right now. They don’t actually love me and I will never love them again because they will never change.
……I hear you, and understand, and believe you, I see it too, …but I rise above it, I pray to Jehovah God about it through the name of his Son King Jesus, …They do care for us, They don’t agree with the hate in the world today, ….one thinks for sure, God’s day is soon, then true peace here and no Wickedness not bad spirits not bad people, get to know Jehovah God and King Jesus in the Bible I found real comfort in the scriptures you can too! Hang on friend
AMEN! <3
Praypraypraypray
Hi, I am going thru this at this in my life I am glad I have found this website I was told I was disgusting and my feelings did not matter because I am not saying anything meaning or important to him he was not interested and then told to shut-up. I end up in tears and depressed. I turn to God because I have no family and he has run my friends off. I am by myself. So thank you for the website at least I am not told to shut-up.
So sorry to read your post. Try joining a local social friend site on Facebook
I was the scapegoat in my passive aggressive family, and with some groups of women. Cut them loose and love yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear that, it doesn’t matter nobody cares, u have your self, u are a good person, even though some people can’t admit!! Right people will treat u properly 😋 u are not invalid! 💕
Hi wish your in a good situation right now Mariam wish youthe best, you can do it ☺️
I am so sorry to read you are going through this. I am a very kind person. In fact I’ve been called too nice. What you wrote has been a vicious cycle of mine my whole life…..with my family my children my romantic partners my friends. I think that because I know my own worth am intelligent am loving forgiving insightful….and genuinely love others and myself I repeat this cycle. When my boundaries are crossed I confront the situation. However, I do this by trying to have a mature conversation. This never goes over well. I learn that people have so many reasons to get defensive in situations…..but what it all breaks down to….is people don’t respect me….they think they are better than me so they don’t have to face the truth….it is easier for people to lie about you so they don’t have to look at their mistakes or behaviors. It has nothing to do with me….they can’t look at their reflection and grow as a person. There are some really good people out there. I have the ability to make and keep friends. So don’t give up and stand up for your boundaries.
get away from these people, they don’t deserve you. i have family like this and can’t completely be free of it. i do keep them at arms length. And find solace that 90% of the time i don’t need to think about going. fathers day next. “pfff!”
good luck.
Miriam, hugs. I have people like that too. I will be your friend.
I’ve been there for my boy friend when he was in the hospital after a four wheeler reck. When he almost drown at the lake. Before we got together I would try to help him with his bills. Now know one cares about him. Know one will help him and I don’t do enough. I can’t play a game on my phone, do my hair, or dress nice, without him thinking something negative. He will tell me I need to do more for my self but when I buy my self something or make my self look presentable. I’m trying to get someone else’s attention or I don’t do anything for him. I’m disabled and I have two wonderful boys. My boys and my home come first. Everything is on me. The bills, the well being of my children, and making sure we have a dependable car. I feel so drained. To love someone who doesn’t appreciate what you have done or what you can do is exhausting, frustrating, and unfair. Now he will help me out when he can but even that gets thrown in my face. So it’s not really helping. Sometimes he will argue and argue about what he has spent and he has even asked for his money back. I know he’s not happy with him self or the situation he’s in. But all he does is complain, argue and place blame on me. Nothing I do or have done is ever good enough. Sometimes I feel like packing up everything and sneaking off when he is gone, just to get away. Tired of being called everything but the child of God. I’m tired of my children hearing him argue. I’m tired.
I’m with somebody who has been cheating on me for most of our relationship. When I leave she tells ppl I was toxic and she had to let me go bc i would get so mad and get physical with her and wasn’t there for her. At the same time she would be begging to come back as she’s talking to many guys. Her stories are always partial. She would leave out that she talks to guys then when I try to leave she trys to guard me and starts saying I’m not a real man for giving up on her . She’ll start grabbing me somtimes punching me while I’m trying to leave so I push her off and she’ll say omg u just put ur hands on me im so done your so abusive. She just cheated on me a few days ago . She a tually had been doing well not much with my mental but she wasn’t cheating or talking to guys. But she couldn’t handle me healing I would have sex with her but not all the time. I still was trying to heal from the few guys she cheated on me with or even the sugar daddies and parting she would put b4 me I was and still always on the back burner. She talks about marriage and kids all the time. I always be honest and say that will not happen with how things are and she gets upset. I let her know it makes no sense that thes the one who’s wants a family life but has no loyalty and can’t control her anger and tries to make me seem so horrible to everyone else so it doesn’t make her look bad when she’s seen with a guy or because I left. I just dont know what to do. Her family partially knows how she is her dad even gave me her blessing without me asking bc they know I’ve dealt with a lot from her and still try to help her become better. I told her mom as she died I would protect her daughter and help her mature. But nothing I do is good enough for her to stop. And fully leave that type of life style. This is the longest she’s been out of the strip club and sugar daddies but I could tell a couple months ago she would relapse back into her addictions
Why put yourself through it? There are people out there that want a good mate… That is not Love it’s control
I’ve been with my bf for 7 years. Of the 7 years I have caught him texting and sexting other women. He has talked bad about me to these women and told them he can’t wait until I’m gone because I’m a B. He told them his kids hated me. won’t come around because of me. I’ve been harassed by his kids and his ex wife since the day they found out about me and he’s allowed it all. It’s been very stressful and hurtful. He says he’ll never marry me and doesn’t want me, but yet keeps reeling me back in just to do it all again. He’s an alcoholic and drinks daily. He’s abusive both physically and mentally while intoxicated yet denies it. Always claims he’s unhappy and that’s why he does it, yet still buys me things and comes to see me since I left him and moved out. He says it’s all my fault because I’m still with him. I went out to eat with another man and now all of a sudden I’m the villain/cheater. When he has cheated on me with multiple women for 7 years while I’ve been faithful. It’s really too much to mention all the things he’s done and said. I’m left
Angry, bitter, hurt, sad, and confused. It’s the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been in, and I’m 53 years old. Breaking free is a struggle!
because if you dont reconize it early on, then it breaks down your self esteem. they have you believing your a broken person that should be lucky they love you because nobody else will want you. they have you trying constantly to change and better yourself, when its not you. trust me ….. if it gos on for very long, it is quite damaging and takes alot of hard work to get past and over come so that you dont take that damage and defensiveness into the next relationship. toxic people really do alot of damage to kind loving people.
As soon as you tell her , ok you will marry her, she will be done. She hasnt conquered that part of you. LEAVE HER. SHE IS TOXIC
Why do you deserve this treatment from her?
The answer is, you don’t! But every time you accept the way she treats you, you validate that she is justified in how she is treating you.
You know you can’t save her, you can’t change her, you can’t help her mature and you certainly can’t help her survive her demons and addictions.
Get out now! Save yourself, change yourself, heal, mature and survive from the hell she’s made of your life.
Best of luck, wishing you lots of love and healing energy.
Very similar situation! I had to reply to your comment . Last year my boyfriend of 17 years justified cheating by the things that I did not do as he told me to do. One of which was allowing my adult son (that is still able to work despite a progressive disability) to live my home that I pay for. I had reasons for allowing him to live in my home and one was to allow him to get on his feet financially to make a move. He will have obstacles in his life because of the physical disability they are on.
I am also disabled and I can’t work. The boyfriend wants to work it out with me but the damage done may be irreparable particularly due to his defensive and aggressive responses to tormenting thoughts that I want to get off my chest. He may be incapable of truely manning up and coming to terms that he has a problem with his way of thinking worry he’s just gonna screw things up with anyone in his life . There is something wrong with him for acting out in a manner that he did. I assume most women would just end it and some would seek out revenge. He carried out the affair for four months on a cell phone is on my credit card and traveling to go see her with my credit card in his pocket just in case he broke down. He would charge expenses for business and when he fell short on money, and that allowed him to free up cash for his indiscretions. I’ve been a homebody for quite some time because I have a problem with my right leg going numb when I lift it to step on the break if I drive. With all of the money that I have put out through these years relieving him of expenses is something that he is completely void about. He has also suggested I keep myself busy because I think too much and I don’t do enough things that he wants me to do for him. So I get the criticism on playing games, words with friends. His idea of me getting out of the house is to have somebody take me to the grocery store. If I put make up on to go out with female friends I haven’t seen for a while, I will likely be accused of something. He wants to be first above my children and he also has a history of not liking family members of his ex-wife which has rolled into relatives in my life. For him there is no such thing as loving some people equally but in a different way. And that included the last of our dogs that passed away last year . I am in a bad situation and I am forewarning you during my experience. It sounds so very similar. My self-esteem has been beat down badly. I am not a bad looking 60-year-old woman but this other woman he decided to cheat on me with is younger, bodily fit, and tiny. The funny part is after looking up her background and what he has told me apparently the two of them thought each other had money. She lied to make herself look better and he feel to tell her that he was financially surviving because he had back up which with me . I should’ve just let them go on, get past their honeymoon period, and discover each other‘s bullshit. I previously trusted him 101%. My ex-husband and my younger years had problems and nothing that he did surprised me. I held on for the kids during that time.
I am married to a woman who does all of these. Not one bit all. And the excuse i hear is that is just how women are. Nuf said.
i’ve heard the same thing.
I fill you your not the only one. I’ve been in one for 26 years now and I still cant let go . I wish I had the strength to. But my heart is no big I have a lot of empathy and compassion
What are you waiting for? Do you think its going to change? If you dont get away from this guy for yourself then do it for your children. This is emotional abuse. If you think it wont have a negative affect on your kids your wrong. Your setting an example for your children that it’s ok to let someone treat you that way. It may be hard at first to cut ties.But once you do and stay away and dont go back for more, you will feel so much better. Your kids will feel so much better too. What is keeping you there? Stop being selfish and get your kids the hell out of there. Go have a happy peaceful life. with your children. Theres a difference between needing a man and wanting one. You sure don’t need him. He is a narcissist . Read about narcissist and how they operate. You know this situation isnt right but yet you stay in it with children. Be strong,move on.
Amen and Amen
Are you still with shitty boyfriend of yours ?
You should take of you and your boys more
Dump that ungrateful boy
Well my dear, you’ve pretty much identified your problem, and come up with a solution. I know your emotions are very strong for him, but this is where common sense has to come into play. You have two choices: make up your mind to stay and deal with it (which may or may not include addressing mental health issues- there’s no shame in that), or come up with an exit plan. Let the decision be totally yours, so that if doesn’t work out how you expect, it’s on you. Then you work that out as well. Take everything in your situation into account, be realistic, if you pray, pray for wisdom and insight, so you can make an informed choice. I wish you well. Be safe.
I don’t understand why people don’t know there worth. Codependency is not happiness a person only changes if they truly care and love that individual person.
Notice I said TRULY. Praying for someone is good but, getting the hell away to have peace and joy is better. I believe happinesses comes from within yourself and you have to live yourself, otherwise how can you love another person? I’m hearing Narcissist Personality disorder, selfishness, and nothing positive about the other person.
Staying with a person and allowing them to control your mind is not healthy, giving them all of you and getting nothing in return is emptiness and who what that feeling? There are too many abuse lines to help you and your children get away from this toxic person, please call them. Seek help for you and your children. Please don’t think about yourself and put your children first for once bc if a person is mistreating you they are more then likely mistreating your children. Plus it’s not healthy, please break the chain. This is teaching our your boys it’s, okay to treat a women like this and our your girl this is how a person is suppose to treat her. Wrong message of what love really is and this they become teens a
disrespect you and you wonder why?
Never tell an abusive person you are leaving them bc they are already mentally unstable. Just quietly get away from them and go somewhere self or far away. I’ve dealt with mostly all of this and now happily living with a friend away from the toxic person.
Lisa, get away from him. Don’t waste another minute with him let alone another day. He is not happy with himself and he is dragging you down with him and together you will drag down your kids.
He is not going to change no matter how much you love him. He doesn’t want to change because then he will have to be responsible for himself and own his shit which he doesn’t want to do because that is way to hard.
Instead he will continue to take out his anger on you, keep blaming you for the way he feels and ultimately make you miserable, hating life.
How do I know this? This is how I was treated until I decided I didn’t want my life to be miserable. I left without looking back and my life is now my own again. Finally happy ! Better to cry and mourn the loss of what I had hoped for our relationship for 6 months to a year than to cry and mourn the loss of your happiness for life!
I wish you all the best and get out now! If not for you then for your children. Sending you LOTS OF LOVE!
I too am in a relationship like this we have been married 12 years and it was great for awhile but I worked, paid the bills then I got to where my health got the best of me had to have 3 back surgery’s and couldn’t work but even then my rent and bills was paid I went through my savings of 60,000 and I ran outta money. His love ran out too, then he went to work and he’s paying bills so now he is better than me. No matter what I say it’s turned into something bad. Everyday he comes home 10, 11, 12 but if he is working for us and I don’t appreciate it he sleeps with his phone, keys and wallet like I steal from him. I hear I was the worst mistake of his life and he hates me and then he says he is miserable with me and later he says he is not but I’m so lonely and heartbroken I have a lot of spine issues a lot caused by him but I am to where I can’t walk he comes in at 11 full of energy and rage and he sometimes doesn’t even sleep and goes to work at 6 am He hasn’t slept with me in 6 months now it went from every day to now 6 months and showing me affection never letting me be upset making me feel like I was the only girl in the world to never making me feel like trash and everything is my fault and I still love him and he says I don’t love him at all and says I think he is cheating and I never said that.
Hey Lisa , I’m in the same position exactly . What did you do?
You said that you’re tired. One day you will get sickened tired…. trust. Remaining in such abusive relationship constitutes child abuse. Your children deserve better. If you don’t get out for yourself, consider your children.
Going through this with my Dad right now. Last year was my Mom. She usually goes first anyway. “Sometimes people make you feel guilty so they don’t feel bad for all the this they have done to you.” Read that somewhere recently and it rings true with my mon and dad my entire life. I am 53 and both parents with a year have finally said how they were forced to have me. Yes they were teens and yes they divorced after 8 years of busting ass and taking names for a lifetime. I broke it off with mom for my own health. Both my parents have NOT softened with age. It’s has made them harder and meaner. Can’t change them but I can do something about me. They only do what I have allowed. I have lived chasing love (didn’t realize it until my 40s). Did know I could love myself more. I am new at it but I am still alive so I am still learning and I know that daily practice (of whatever positive approach you take) takes time and effort to get good at it. Be kind to yourself first. Treat yourself like someone you might actually like. It’s what I have to do. I made God my Father 6 years ago and our relationship has been very healing. He met me where I was (not in a church) and I didn’t know how to even love GOD back. I don’t go to church but I do have a Bible that I understand and a couple of believers that have prayed for me along the way. I have learned enough self respect recently to possibly realize I am wasting my time on parents who have treated my life like a nuisance they have have to constantly deal with. I hope you move on ☮️💟
Good food for thought.
Thank you for you wisdom, we all need to check our mental engines, for a tune up.
Its xmas eve 2020… the past 6 weeks ive slept on the couch and been completely chastised, isolated, and just degraded…. i still don’t know why. I bought her a washing machine when ours went out… i spent half the cost on her kids for xmas while i spent my money only on my daughter… and significantly less for fear of being yelled at and further isolated from our family… her complaints about me are that im lazy when im at home and that i don’t do enough and all i worry about is money… im yelled at about bills constantly though so im working 2 fulltime jobs now 7 days a week. This just changed from 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs. Im rarely home and told thats just an excuse… im emotionally drained and depressed… what am i doing wrong?! Im told money doesnt matter but yet she always brings it up! She has all my cards and account info… idk what to do… please i beg you someone help me!
This is my first time ever replying or even posting to anything online but I feel like after everything that I’ve been through including what all my husband and my own damn family has put me through that I now have a God giving purpose to try to help others in the best and most honest way that I know how to so here it goes…first of all I strongly believe that life is given to be lived to the very fullest and I do NOT play by the rules or the laws! After everything I’ve been through I can honestly say I am Fearless and Shameless! There isn’t one person along or a million together that’s going to change any of my perspectives so before I get carried away here I’ll just give you a little a friendly advice and say that maybe you should just take a break and some time to yourself to assess your situation to see if the good outweighs the bad and also to make her miss you. Don’t let anyone try to change who you are unless it’s for the better but definitely do NOT let anyone no matter who the hell they are rob you of your happiness! Life is way to short for that shit! You need to do what makes YOU happy! Yeah it is important to always try to be considerate of other people’s needs and feelings but not when it is completely robbing you of yours. I’ve always led a miserable life and pretty much hated me and everything about myself but after being put to and sent to hell too many damn times to add and multiply I think it’s about time for ME, MYSELF and I to keep learning how to love myself more & more each day. I’m not gonna let anyone or anything ever get in my way of being happy ever again! Maybe you should try that for awhile, do what makes you happy but also trust your heart to do what is right at the same time, if that makes any sense at all…Merry Christmas and God Bless You!
As a mental health counselor, I’ll offer the same reply to you. Remaining in such abusive relationship constitutes child abuse. Your children deserve better. If you don’t get out for yourself, consider your children.
Reading this has really hit home. I should have left the farther of my child years ago, when he lost my home started taking drugs when I was pregnant but I forgave him. It’s been on and off for years but I have always felt like shit around him and he has made me and my daughter not be as close, I don’t have a sexual realationship with me don’t fancy him don’t like him, but love him because he gave me my daughter. I am sick of being dragged down, once again let him back into my life to be broken, I need the power of you guys to move on my sister is so strong I look up to her she has always been mum and dad and worked hard x
I have a sister who enjoys putting others down so she looks better. She has done this her whole life. She wants to compete everything.
Once , I admired her. There is a four year difference age. She is older.
Since I have moved here, she spies on me. I’m not sure how. We live 3000 miles apart and she knows my plants in detail. Google earth does not bring plants up in detail.
She would call and say let’s meet for lunch but she never showed up – 10 times. After the first time I laughed.
She is truly weird. She tries to get back in my life. I can’t stand her and her overly competitive ways. I have a few lilies and she will say, ‘I have a field of them’. Everything is that way with her. She has to be better. M
It seems fitting to say that I am a toxic person. I dont know if victims are the only ones to respond here or if anyone would actually admit to being a toxic person. I read the whole thing and I think it fits me well the way I have treated my now ex wife. I have spent last 6 months trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I couldnt find answers anywhere but psychologist. His conclusion was that I have Bipolar Disorder. I have made a decision that it is best if you love her to let her go. I still care about her and think the way I still feel that I wont contribute to her joy and happiness its sometimes best to just dont drag her down while you some rational thinking left.
Thank you so very much for sharing this extremely accurate representation of the dynamics of a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. I personally refuse to consider myself as a victim to the painful encounters I’ve allowed myself to go through with my ex. I had to learn the hardest way possible going through the same manipulative situations that I didn’t create but played a part up just by overlooking the severity of all the unnecessary abuse & forgave too quickly without ever knowing if it’d happen again usually I just wished it wound stop & get better without anything changing. We are usually love to hard neglecting ourselves & caring about who we are last.
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I’m learning to let go and get on with my life now .
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Got is it hard but I don’t want to wish to be treated well I want to find a good healthy accountable soul who wants to love me but I have do love me first & then I might be respected by someone because they respect themselves ….
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom, I enjoyed reading your understanding about something I still font fully understand.
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Take good care of you and yours!
It is so hard he there for me and have my back about the problems I have with my family they too also have turned their backs on me practically stole my children from me made me sign papers of my kids over to them while my ex husband but first and only love at time was dying day of funeral before had to sign my children over I’m an only child and father is deceased step father very good to me for a long time when 27 was trying in his sick mind show me how a woman is supposed to be treated I didn’t go along with it told me I would pay for rest of life that I could have had it made would never had to worry about houses cars money would have had it good. My mother wants nothing to do with me WOULDNT learn about major depressive disorder and should have understood why I was in major depression my children again. Can’t see my grandchildren unless I leave my mother alone said my 30 year old youngest son because I’m finding out from someone outside the family my mother is getting sicker with Copd having breathing problems worse oh that was my fault when shecwentcto icu found out then she had infezema said my brainwashed children because I texted her to tell her it’s my responsibility ( step father passed 2018. I’m next of kin and only next of kin. I want nothing from my morhercwho is filthy rich while I own nothing I live with what i just found out is a toxic person who knows have no where to go no car since 2016 can finally get one finally got approved ssi since 2015 Judge should have approved me in 2018 they didn’t pay me back pay they owe me will have to find fight to get it DMV is saying two dwis are on my record I don’t drink blew zeros got dismissed and then got dismissed on 9/16/2020 have minutes from court and text message from ada saying so so now I have every single paper ticket etc every got will have to figure out how to get this fixed can’t afford Atty one is blessing me helping me some for free and Dmv said nothing was on my record anymore got 6 different answers saying I still have to put breathalyzer in my vehicle for two years do get license in suspended that should have never been suspended never convicted on any and them DMV says I have a dwi conviction on 9/20/2020 4 days after dismissal. There is no one else to talk to at the main dmv at the capital of the state. Don’t know who to call or what to do for me to prove it they don’t want to see minutes they are going by what’s been reported to them don’t know who to go to who can straighten this all out! Lord help me please!!!!
Meant when ex husband father of my two boys first and only love was dying they my parents made me do all this when I was very vulnerable instead of emotionally helping and supporting act like I’m dead and it’s all my fault my mother is sick all I want to do is be there for her she’s asking someone to go stay with her to help her and will pay someone very well to do it but doesn’t want me to go help her and be there for her. They don’t know God like I do or they would forgive for all the things I’ve made mistakes about and are persecuting me after 20?years. God made families to be there for each other and stick together mother wrote letter the week ex husband was dying and copied to all my aunts uncles grandparents everyone that she was kicking me out condo she bought me and for none of them to help me no food no money have nothing to do with me. I pray for my mothers sins now for not loving her only child unconditionally and vm brainwashing my kids they don’t love me she and them act like she’s their mother and MY grandchildren s grandmother she told me along time ago my kids were not mine they were hers and my stepdads and she did not have just one child wouldn’t let me have contact with my kids and not let me go for holidays so kids think I didn’t want them and they are convinced and believe and worshipping her and said I’m not in the will I’m getting nothing i just want my family to love me
Take a moment for yourself and seek inner peace within you
As a mental health counselor, I’ll offer the same reply to you. Remaining in such abusive relationship constitutes child abuse. Your children deserve better. If you don’t get out for yourself, consider your children.
Write to your children every month and keep a copy. Even if your mother doesn’t show them your letters, one day God will give you the opportunity to. This will help you too. Call it free therapy.
I had a similar situation in Wisconsin and the people who you are talking to are only the ones that read what’s in front of them and have no suggestions for any other options I don’t know how I finally got past them but I did and was able to get some help! The only people who can make any decisions or changes are State drug and alcohol evaluation people but don’t ever expect them to offer that information!!!! Idk if you already did this but if not….give it a try…I sure hope this helps? Good luck!!👌
O wow Adin, the funny thing is I know for sure that you are a BEAUTIFUL person. Sometimes we are just frustrated and bitter and yes then we are toxic. I personally don’t believe in psychologist (oops is this a psychologist website?). Anyways, if I feel happy with myself and love myself I am a nice person. If I’m bitter, man I am the most toxic person ever. I hope this makes sense. Start loving yourself. You are human and find out why you behaved as you behaved. I’m sure you were not that happy and even if you were, there is bitterness beneath that “happiness”. Good luck Adin. I’ve turned from a bully to a nice person, because I learnt to love myself FINALLY.
Yes I feel you on this Adin.
Sounds like a cop out is it easier to OUT than it is to change . Shell always feel like she wasn’t worth it the damage to her self esteem is significant . My wife is toxic and a narsasist and hadn’t apologized on 3 years she’s no need she is never wrong I’ve gone crazy for 3 years now trying she’s moved me out only to cry and beg me home when I didn’t come immed she moved her troubled adult daughter in and the boyfriend these two don’t work never really have . There’s no need . Mom buys them 120 $ bags of ulta and takes them shopping all day everytime I e had an appt she also takes them to the spot because st 25 her daughter won’t bother to get a lusence . She won’t ever make them do anything for themselves the house is a pigsty to say the least . Now she’s entertained so I’m a sex toy in the weekends she lives me but put me outside to live in my car after she had a little thing with an engineer online they talked about family favorite colors what they like to do and they swap pictures I was in trouble could be mad about it because she was networking and I just didn’t understand. I never wanted to this day I know what networking is I’m not an idiot but I can tell you this if she doesn’t stop and just said you know what I love you and I want to make this work and I know for the big part of the problem is me maybe we could work it out I’m still here right now in her house but I’ll be leaving today and every time I leave I get one step closer to never coming back. It’s easy enough for her to say my love isn’t enough I can’t do enough for you you’re just not happy with me I am the truth of the issues 100% right so love isn’t enough but it’s because she doesn’t give enough and she doesn’t try ever so how’s it supposed to be enough did you give a dog an empty bowl is it going to get full ? So my suggestion if you do love her at least if you’re going to just opt out because you’ll be bad for her at least tell her tell her that you know it’s you tell her that you know you have this issue and you’re really not sure what to do and that you loved her to the best of your ability but unfortunately that sucks right now I don’t want to just go on thinking that it’s her because it hurts a lot
The weird thing is I was searching for something very different from this and I found this accidentally. But heck it’s all true.
My bf whom I would call “N”, I’ve been in a relationship with him for over 4 years now (we haven’t met still) (online). Since I was 18 and a couple of months. I’ve never had any relationship before that. I find it hard to connect with people and don’t just fall in love that easily or just enter a relationship for the heck of it. So far he is my only one. The one that got me to say I love you.
And I hate to admit it, But this article describes him. He took advantage of the fact that I truly love him and that I needed him in life. For some reason it’s hard for him to say I love you. I’m an emotional person not in a bad way, don’t get me wrong I don’t like to express my feelings at all but I like to express my feelings to him and for all this time I haven’t had any chance where he listened to everything I had to say. And I can’t even count the times I stayed up till 7 am to be there for him or making something so he could find in the morning when he wakes up. I’ve had both my best and worst days with him. He only realized how much I mean to him when I became unresponsive to his strategies and turned “cold” because I couldn’t express my self and almost had it. And believe it or not he found a way to make that about him. And he also added that he had a suicide attempt. Now it’s all about him and back to square one I can’t express anything. Cause I don’t take it lightly when someone says they’re trying to commit suicide specially when it’s someone I love. I’m not sure but I guess he knew that.
I’m the one always trying. I’ve had anxiety disorder since I was little, when I grew up before I met him it was sorta controllable. Now it’s not anymore and now depression is added to the mix and I hate to say it but now I take pills and it’s cause of him. But he doesn’t even know any of that. Trust me I wanna write a whole book here cause it’s eating me inside but I can’t.
I wanna ask your advice. I might have some specific questions that i might add later.
And sorry this is it organized at all but this Is due to all the unfinished shi* piled up all those years I can’t even think of one thing without jumping to another.
Sorry about this and thank you in advance.
Tom, your situation sounds completely similar to mine (except we spent pretty much everyday together for the two years of our relationship) and I wanted to pass on some advice to you since my break-up. one thing you have to realize about these kinds of relationships is that the toxic person is never going to consider your needs or feelings. They like to play the victim and everything in the relationship and every problem they have in life is somehow going to be your fault. It’s a terrible feeling when you give someone your all and then some, and they tell you you’re not enough or that they think they’re not enough when you’ve have tried to show them they are everyday all the time. You’ll constantly think of reasons why THEY are the problem and they just dont realize how much they hurt you. But the truth is, if you are really feeling this way, you should ask yourself if they are the problem or if you are. Not saying that it is your fault they’re acting this way, but why you continue to put up with it if youre so unhappy. One thing I realized at the end of my relationship was that I knew I was not going to spend the rest of my life with him. I didnt want to, I had achieved so much and he was constantly trying to put me down and tell me I wasnt doing anything right, or I wasnt focusing on him and he started a fight over it. He didnt try to build me up like i did to him, he didnt want to change his behaviour because it hurt me and our relationship. He just wanted attention and love but didnt want to give it in return. Its a long road to realization but once youre there, you have to think long and hard about the next step. Ask yourself what you want in life in 5 years and if this person really fits into the mix, and if they do will it be a positive scenario. I hope this helped!
I can’t take anymore. I’m so worn I feel invisible. This person I love works hard at wrecking my nerves. She’ll wait until my guard is down then pounces on me like a cat on a canary. If my guard is up she’ll pound and pound on it until it starts to crumble and weakens. Last night she comes home after being gone 3 days (my God! What a peaceful 3 days it was for me). Immediately she changed her persona from being sweet and lovely to her friends who were in the car with her, to being nasty and condescending, demeaning and grumpy to me. She opened up and started complaining about this one person who didn’t like the festival they all went to and manipulated her to take her back to the hotel early claiming to be ill only to find she wanted to do something else. I said I would’ve taken her to the hotel and given her the number to the taxi service so she could do something else or at least talked to her about the lying. My partner immediately says, “I DIDNT ASK YOUR OPINION!!” I said, ” I’m sorry, I thought we were having a conversation “. She immediately gets up and marched out of the room. I know what this means for me, days of relentless torture and I fall for the trap of trying to fix whatever I’ve done. Of course I’m a man and obviously oblivious to my asinine behavior! So, I get told off more, which only makes me work more towards a solution. I end up apologizing and going to bed shaking from the ordeal. Of course I can’t sleep because of the tension in my body, the fight or flight mode engaged vigorously. So, for hours I listen to my subliminal meditation, ” Get Out of Toxic Relationships “. This always puts me to sleep but last night I listened consciously and it was wonderful. While I was working through my anger of what happened I realized the only way I can correct this relationship is by leaving it. While I’m in it I’m only going to continue to suffer and worse cause suffering by my presence in her life. I’ve said something like this before in here, but leaving isn’t always easy. As a man and one who’s always heard horror stories about men, how they’ve manipulated and abused women throughout history, I feel responsible. It’s hard to accept I’m truly not doing anything wrong except trying to repair the relationship, which always ends with hurt words and feelings and days of relenting, while being reminded about my behavior daily or worse, being asked when am I leaving, enduring withheld affection and dealing with indifference. Then there’s the fact my daughter will be home this weekend and then we both become targets.
I understand she was tired and not happy that her friends kept her up every night only to wake her early the following day. I understand she was disappointed about the behavior of one, who only seemed to drag my partner down. I understand I wasn’t all over her when she arrived home but in my defense, I sensed her bottled anger and only wanted to avoid it. You don’t live with someone for 4 years and not see what’s going on inside them when you see them. Anyway, I’m at my wits end. Just when I feel my strength I lose it. I’m too old for this crap! All I wanted was a decent relationship with someone, not a tortuous one which leaves me devastated regularly.
Sometimes women talk to their partners only to vent. It can feel condescending when someone offers advise without being asked whether they want advise.
I’m frankly exhausted by this excuse. It’s more than common knowledge that men make the poor assumption that when their partner brings up a problem, they feel compelled to provide a solution. This reaction is not out of malice. It is typically a misguided attempt to “help.” However, when women feel they can react to this act by jumping down their partner’s throat in a way that is far from understanding, then I’m not sure I care about the sense of condescension. Why? Because the angry response is absolutely meant to hurt. It’s meant to make the other person feel less than. The attempt at a solution was meant to be invested in the relationship. If the man didn’t care or was indifferent, they would just politely nod and just let the woman keep talking. In this particular example, the man was likely also feel that someone had taken advantage of his partner and not happy about someone upsetting her as well.
No, this man is walking on eggshells. Time to get out.
I hear you and understand you Ron. Listen to your inner self Ron, what do you need to be happy?
He puts his hands on me with force rather than walking away. He has made me so unhappy and trampled my soul. Taken my free spirited personality. He calls me bad like he’s a horrible parent. He’s not my parent. Says calm down after he picks a fight over something petty. Says leave me alone like a child when he should be just walking away if he’s feeling crowded. He sleeps all day. He’s up all night on computer idk what and don’t care. After seven years of having every wound I ever suffered reopened. I’ve had it. I have no money. I have no family. My friends are either passed or married or far away. The rest don’t want to be around me. I’m sad a lot. They don’t understand why I’m here. I have no place to go. For the first time in 59 years after surviving everything. I’m ve thought of not wanting to live anymore just to suffer. Not bc of him. Because there not enough left of me
After reading this I realise I am the Toxic Person & I want to learn how to stop my behaviour. My BF husband of 23 years finally plucked up the courage to leave me helped by having an affair with someone he told me had a good heart. It hurts very much still. I really want to stop my behaviour before it ruins the future.
What is the best way to deal with such a terrible toxic relationship that has become dangerous and getting out of the relationship safely without a trace so they cannot find you to do these things to you any longer please help me anyone!?!
Leann please find a domestic violence support organisation in your area. They have resources and support and processes in place to help with this. Google ‘domestic violence support [type your area]’ If you use your own computer to find this, make sure you delete your browsing history. There will be somewhere close to you that will have the resources to help you. Otherwise there will be a national organisation that will guide you towards the resources in your area. I can’t tell where you are, so I’m not able to guide you – but there will be somewhere. If your safety is at risk, ask the police in your area to guide you towards the right support. There are people who can help you.
The worst is being in this nightmare toxic relationship and it’s the father of my two beautiful children!!! How do I get out…I’ve attempted divorce twice, but couldn’t bc my children were so broken. I suffer every day!!! I’m so thankful I found this article and others that are also suffering so bad. I literally just told him that he makes me not want to live. Sadly once again he had zero compassion or empathy…Please help me!!!
What on EARTH is this HOLD that TOXIC people have on us who are their victims? Why is it sometimes so hard to walk away from them? In essence, jump out of the raging fire they are rather than stand there time and time again, getting grotesquely burned?
To put it simply, they have something we want – namely, approval. I shared an office with a toxic co-worker for a few years and realized after some time that I felt like I had to compete with him and win in order to earn his esteem. I didn’t have “feelings” for him, but I considered him to be smarter than I (like a lot of cholerics); so if I had his approval that meant I was smart too. Not until I moved out of that office and joined a book study on “Search for Significance” by Robert McGee did I begin to climb out of that hole. Being an “Approval Addict” was one of several possible traps outlined, and which I’d fallen into – as have many here it seems. For some reason we think we need the approval of another (or people in general) to have worth; and this is what these toxic people hold over our heads, alternately granting it as a reward or withholding it to manipulate us. My situation was different from many here, but for those of us who crave approval recognizing the lie is key to confronting and dismantling it.
I believe in my case, it’s the thought of failure that’s what keeps me in. I simply do not wish to fail unless failure is the only outcome possible. However, I’m seeing now, more than ever, failure is not the option, I was never going to succeed. My option is now to succeed by walking away from the illusion of success. These souls hold carrots out of reach to watch us walk over the cliff trying to win, earn or pursue it endlessly. It’s a game they control and one you can’t win because they control the carrots.
Worded so perfectly! Thank you!
until you put yourself out there, prove to me that you love me…
husband loves saying that to me…cant deal with it any more. Im in school fulltime, work, and he is unemployed. I have no patience for his toxic manipulative behavior anymore but divorce is so hard. Hell be homeless
I have read the article and have just read June’s comments 13.2.17. I too….. have tried for 3 years to understand my partner . He has gone off…… cut me off ….. totally 5 times. Then come back again each time leaving it between 6 weeks and 7 month before re entering my life always promising he has changed . On the 14th Feb after 7 weeks back together he did the same again….. after I dared to disagree with something he said. He put the phone down.. refused to answer texts or my calls and texted he’d be back in touch in a week or so. In the 7 weeks we have been back together I have not been my normal happy go lucky self. Today. .. I felt relieve and alive and happy he had gone away and never want to feel like I have for the last week’s. I am questioning why I kept going back… I did love him … but questioned why the relieve of him going away this time was so evident to me.
I won’t be going back again… I know he will text when he has punished me enough . I was going to email him to tell him that this time I never want to see him again. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do or do I just never communicate again. I will seek advise on this I think.
He is an unhappy man who thinks only of himself .
I could tell the full story from beginning to end if it would help anyone recognise the traits.
I actually hop jumped and skipped on my walk with the dog today . I’m grateful I could finally escape and accept I could never change him .
Deborah .
The person I am closest to in my life right now is exactly like this. I love him so much and I honestly don’t even know why. We work together and almost every day he is unhappy. He complains constantly about the people in his department and how they stare at him while they eat, or don’t work enough, or he doesn’t like their skinny jeans, or one of a million other things, and it’s emotionally draining. I walked away from him once before because I knew he was dragging me down. He was turning me into a complainer and my personality was changing for the worse. We didn’t talk for months and every day it killed me inside. Every day all I wanted was for him to be the one to come to me first, for him to be the one to apologize, and I waited months. He finally came to me, but he always subtly holds it over my head that I “gave up on him” and that I “didn’t love him enough”. We still spend every work day together now, but I know I have tailored my behavior and habits to not anger him. I have so many friends I don’t talk to anymore because he doesn’t like them for one reason or another. When something happens, it’s always “my fault”, and I’m always the one in tears and apologizing, when either because he flew off the handle at something most other people would have handled differently, or took something I said and totally twisted it around and misinterpreted it (and then refused to talk to me so I had no hope of ever even explaining it wasn’t correct or true). He’s so angry all the time, and sometimes he realizes it, but anytime you try to help him you get accused of trying to “diagnose” him. I don’t know why I’m typing this other than that it’s therapeutic for me and I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not me, it really is him. The hardest part is I don’t know why I love him so much, or how to stop.
Several months ago a neighbor called me to call 911 as her husband “was going crazy and she didn’t know what to do”. I did and then went up there to see what happened. The police were there and asked her if she wanted to stay there – she said no and didn’t know where she could go. I then stepped in and said she could stay with her daughter and dog, with me. FIRST MISTAKE.
She’s from another country and I felt bad for her because she knew no one nor had family or friends etc. They stayed for 4 1/2 months and I never charged a penny. I wouldn’t let her do things around the house either because I knew I could become dependent on her and this was temporary. I found a domestic violence group to help her, I helped her daughter with her homework, I bought clothes for her daughter when the need arose, got some Medicaid for her daughter (no insurance), I found her a lawyer for her divorce, I found her a job, and I can go on and on.
To make a long story short when she was able to return to her house (he was removed by the court), she RAN home with all of her things she had here in my house and garage – she dragged it all out so fast it was like the world was going to end…..I kept telling her there was no hurry and to relax. It she actually had a breakdown and said she had to go right away. After that little by little she withdrew from me, wouldn’t answer the phone or called back hours later. In other words I disappeared from her radar. I kept trying to figure out what I did to change her attitude and although it’s been a month, still can’t figure it out. I asked her several times and the answer was “I don’t want to bother you any more” or “I don’t want to talk about the situation anymore”. How did I evolve from “Mom, thank you so much – you saved my life” (yes, she was calling me, Mom) to nothing? I wish these people could realize how much they can hurt someone.
Ask me – would I ever do something like that for anyone again? My answer – no never, I will never put myself in that position to be hurt by someone I are trying to help. I’ll give you referrals, phone numbers and directions but NOT personally involve myself EVER again.
I struggle daily with a few, very close, people in my life. I have arrived at the point in my life where I am now going to seek professional help as to how to handle them…and how they make me feel like I am the human garbage in their life. I will no longer allow myself to let people use me and treat me this way.
I have finally realised after 3 years that my boyfriend is a very unhappy person and this article describes his behaviours so accurately. I am not turning myself inside out anymore to try to please him or prove myself to be worthy. I know I am a good person and if he cant appreciate that then its his loss!!