If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay. People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.
Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.
Knowing when to let go.
Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both.
Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit.
Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you. Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:
- You know it’s bad, but you stay.
- You want more for yourself, but you stay.
- There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay.
- You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.
What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.
Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.
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Be present.
The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it.
This might be scary, particularly if the environment you are in is hostile or lonely, but the only way to be okay with leaving what you have, is to fully experience how broken it is.
No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.
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Keep track.
Keep a record of how you feel in the relationship, the good and bad. If writing isn’t your thing, take a photo of your face at the same time every day. You’ll see it in your eyes. Photos and journalling will capture the intimate, day to day detail of you in this relationship. Set a time period – weeks or months – and at the end take a look over your photos or your writing. Can you see patterns? What do you notice about the things that hurt you and the things that feel good? The frequency? The intensity? What do you see in the photos? Can you see the life in you? Or has it been drained away. Is this the person you want to be? Or is it a faded, sadder version? This can help to see your experience in the relationship for what it is – stripped of the filters and the softening that comes with time.
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Be aware of what’s happening in your body. It’s trying to tell you something.
The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works. Has your body slowed down? Is there physical pain? Does it ache? Does it feel heavy? Restless? Tired? Drained? Do you feel your body withering, scrunched or as though it’s holding back? If your body could speak, what would it want you to know?
Try this exercise:
Finish this sentence:
‘My body is …’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.
Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.
Notice what happens when you do that.
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How do you avoid the truth?
Notice what you do to shift away from your reality. Are there unhealthy behaviours you do to stop from feeling bad? Or maybe there are healthy beahviours that you do in unhealthy ways?
Try staying with the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Contained in the pain is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life.
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Give it a deadline.
It’s easy to forget how long you’ve been living with what you don’t want, hoping that one day it will be better. Pick your ‘one day’. Let it be six weeks, six months – whatever feels right for you. In that time, give the relationship everything you’ve got. When that ‘one day’ comes, be honest and act from a place of strength, self-respect and self-love. The answer will be in front of you.
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Become selfish.
The way we think about selfishness is broken. Selfishness is about recognising what you need and doing what you can to meet those needs. Sometimes there will be fallout, but there will also be fallout by ignoring what you need and letting the noise shout you down. You matter. What you need matters. It always has. Sometimes that will mean putting yourself first on your list. This is even more important if it is the only list that has you anywhere near the top.
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Be honest about your part.
Is there anything you can do to put the relationship back on track? It takes guts to open up to what you might need to do differently, but it’s important. If you’re not sure, ask your partner. Of course, just because your partner names things he or she would like you to do differently, it for you to decide whether this is a direction you want to move in. If the response is ‘Yeah actually. You can stop asking me where I go at night. K?’ then you can either respond with, ‘Sure baby – it’s totally fine with me if you leave the house smelling like man musk and secrets. Just come home when you feel like it hey. Do you want me to keep dinner for you?’ Or, you can Google, ‘Somewhere I can live without idiots.’
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What’s your role in the relationship?
It’s likely that there will be a rhythm in the relationship that keeps it breathing the way it does. You and your partner will each have a role that keeps each other’s behaviour possible. This in no way means either of you are to blame or that either of you deserve to be treated the way you are. What it means is that over time you would have fallen into a way of being together that makes the dysfunction easier and more tolerable – a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation.
It’s common in relationships for one person to be the ‘reacher’ and one to be the ‘retreater’. In healthy relationships, this is balanced or the roles shift around. There’s an easy flexibility. In unhealthy relationships, these roles become polarised. The more someone retreats, the more the other reaches, and this is where the roles become fixed.
Explore your roles. Which one of you is ‘the commitment phobe’, ‘the non-communicator,’ ‘the abuser,’ ‘the critic’, ‘the disinterested one’? And who is ‘the ‘enabler’, ‘the victim,’ ‘the helpless one,’ ‘the reacher’, ‘the rescuer’, ‘the justifier’, ‘the fantasiser’. Try shifting out of your role. This will shift the dynamic and either force change or make the dysfunction all the more glaring – and easier to walk away from.
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Let go of the fantasy.
The fantasy of what could be will keep you stuck. Every time. It could be better – so much better – but just not with this person. How do you know? Because you’ve been trying. And you’re tired. And there’s nothing more to give.
The fantasy stands between you and reality and throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are.
The more you fantasise about what could be, the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. The fantasy will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, you would have done that by now. Let your fantasy instead be one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path sprawled on the couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like mad ever losing you, while you eat tacos, listen to Beyonce and not miss them at all. There you go.
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Accept what is.
It’s paradoxical, but the more you can accept where you are, the greater the capacity for change. This will let your decisions be driven by information that’s real and accurate, not a glossed up fairy tale image of what could be. Accept your reality as it is – your relationship, your partner and what it means for you. When you accept the truth, you live the truth. This will expand your courage, strength and capacity to decide whether this relationship is the best option for you – or not. You will have a clarity that will propel you forward, whatever that might mean for you.
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Fight for you.
You have to fight for the things you love and the things you believe in, but one of those things has to be you. What would you say to someone you love who was feeling the pain or the deadness that you are feeling? Inside you is more courage and strength than you will ever need. You are a queen, a king, a fighter, a warrior, you are powerful and beautiful and everything good in the world – and you deserve to be happy. But first, you might have to fight for it. Fight for you the way you would fight for anyone you love – fiercely, boldly, bravely.
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Stop making excuses.
Be honest.What do you want from this relationship? Have you ever had it? How different is what you want from what you have? And how long has it been this way? If you are loved, it feels like love. Even in the midst of a storm, a loving relationship still feels loving. Despite the stress, the exhaustion, the things you do or say – a loving relationship has an undercurrent of safety, security and respect, even when times are tough. If it doesn’t feel good for you, it’s not.
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Replace ‘can’t leave’ with ‘won’t leave’.
Claim back your power by replacing ‘can’t leave‘ with ‘won’t leave‘. Sometimes circumstances mean that it’s difficult to leave. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a place of strength, not from a place of helplessness. If you stay, let it be because you have made the decision that this is the best option for you at this moment in time, not because somebody has claimed ownership of your life. Keep your power and your independence of mind, whatever is going on around you. There’s only one of you and you’re too important to let yourself fade into circumstance or the manipulation.
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Not making a decision is making a decision.
You might decide to put off making a decision, to give it some time. Make no mistake, this is making a decision – to stay. Own your decision and experience fully what that decision means for you. Don’t live on the outskirts of your reality by claiming to be somewhere in between committing to the relationship and leaving it. You’re one or the other. In it or out of it. Claiming indecision might feel okay in the short term, but in the long term it will just keep you stuck, without the energy you need to move closer to what will be healthier for you.
And finally …
If the relationship feels bad, then it’s bad for you. That’s the only truth that matters. Fight hard to keep your relationship intact, but when there is no fight left, the truth will be staring you down like a hunted thing.
All relationships will go through make it or break it times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. Relationships have a limited amount of resources available – emotional, physical, financial. Sometimes the relationship will be barreled around by a storm and this might use up a vast chunk of the resources that have been banked over time. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before this is topped up. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing.
He cheated and had many indiscretions over the course of our relationship, we’ve had 2 breakups & first started dating when we were both 23. Four years later we’re 27 & 28 and for the past 7 months we’veactually been dedicated to giving our relationship a fighting chance. Well no matter what he did to show me he was faithful I couldn’t let go of the anger. We would both get petty. I am very angry towards him and he tells me I make him feel useless like nothing he does is ever going to be good enough. That all his fighting is for nothing. I guess last night was the last straw for him, after a big blowup, over me being a **** for no reason. Now that the dust settled I see how out of line I was. I don’t want to be without him and I feel like the world’s biggest ass. We talked and we both know we love each other and that breaking up is probably for the best. We’re taking a day to clear our minds and see how we feel tomorrow. I’m trying to just let his decision be and not be pushy. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde towards the relationship and him. I read before that betrayal causes actual trauma (ptsd.) We have such strong chemistry its insane. It’s like were soulmates but not the kind the end up together. A love neither one of us will get again. I know we’re crazy and it sucks. Hoping for the best. I made the decision to stay and try and failed because I wasn’t honest with myself. I didn’t try the way I should have. I’m just hoping for the best. Whatever the universe thinks is the best. I know breaking up isn’t the end of the world but that doesn’t make it any easier. Thanks for this article.
Reading this article really helped me related the first two paragraphs after “knowing when to let go” really spoke to me because that’s exactly how I feel right now. But I just can’t and won’t let go of him being together for 4 years has most definitely become a habit and comfort. I feel like no one knows me better and to loose that would be hurtful. He got arrested 8 months ago for abusing me and I feel stupid for going back, he hasn’t done it since but that was not the first time. Lately he doesn’t even put any effort into spending time with me but he still tries to control me. We live 10 mins away from one another but some how he only hangs out with me once a month and I’m constantly asking him to chill and I always get rejected. He dodges me calls and my text every Friday and Saturday nights because he doesn’t want me to know he’s out but then I see images on social media. He doesn’t even want to add me on facebook or instagram and I keep asking him to. He has cheated multiple times and I’ve seen him text hookers at least 10 times. I’ve tried leaving but always find my way back to him, he claims he loves me but I know that isn’t true. Now after all this I just feel even more stupid for staying and I have no clue why I still stay and why it is so hard for me to let go of something that is so toxic and makes me feel so sad lonely and depressed but it’s hard as fuck because I just think of the good times and that’s the only thing that keeps me going.
The original post and every comment has left me numb. Unlike most of you, we’ve been married 37 years, we all think we would know someone after such a long time. We both changed, We grew apart and the ONLY reason I am still here is because of my own fear on what awaits me on the other side. I’m not interested in dating, I’m interested in peace, of holding my anger in check. I suspect I’m co-dependent and have convinced myself that I need him even now. This relationship had elements of those things you name, the cheating, the lying, The money, the screaming always. I’m worn out. I’m leaving for a month because I want to. It not longer matters to me what HE wants or doesn’t want. He took advantage too many time but sadly, I allowed it each and every time. I begin my journey soon and I wish all of you the very best.
I’m exactly where you were. Thank you for your words!!!! You give me strength
I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years, married for 7. Moved with him to a foreign country to start a life, 5 years into the marriage he wants space, says I’m too clingy. Got my own place briefly and we decided to move back in together for sake of costs. Then I moved back to the USA for my career, he stayed put, citing that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in a relationship with anyone at all but was still very confused and didn’t want to lose me, but didn’t want to make any sacrifices. We have been doing long distance for a year and a half, seeing each other once a month or so, talking on Skype etc frequently. It had been going somewhat fine, but I ultimately had a goal of us living together and being a family again. He even told me a few weeks ago that he thought it would be a reality someday soon, but I’m currently visiting him where he lives and he told me that he didn’t see us ever living together again, at least not for the foreseeable future. I was upset about that, told him so, then he tells me he doesn’t think he can do this anymore because he doesn’t want to hurt me and can’t continue this long distance arrangement if I’m not happy with it. Then, I thought about it and convinced myself that I was ok with it. I said, “well when we lived together it wasn’t really that great, and you’re happy with your own space, so what’s wrong with this current arrangement?” What’s wrong with it is that it is not what I want, it is not ideal for me, it is simply the best option. I’ve been settling for years, making myself ok with things. And I’m finally happy with myself and my career and who I am, which is something I can’t say I’ve ever really been able to admit. I keep telling myself that I don’t really need this long-distance marriage that feels like it’s being drawn out with no happy ending, and I don’t need this stress, so why do I keep thinking that one day the stars will align and we both decide we want the same thing? And to complicate matters, we have been seeing other people for the past year or so, and there is no expectation of celibacy when we’re not together, but I see him falling in love with someone else and topping off this nightmare with the most hurtful news ever. I continue to hurt because I’m not getting what I want out of this marriage and I put myself at risk of complete and utter sorrow by agreeing that seeing other people is probably reasonable. Why am I continuing to settle for this? And the most confusing part of all this for me is that we do love each other, we care very deeply about each other, and when we talk he always tells me how he does not want to lose me, he wants to be in my life forever. The most consistent theme in our conversations is our lack of clarity for what is right and what we should do. We’ve got the love, we’ve got the friendship, and we’ve got a healthy sexual relationship, but I just want more and he cannot give me more. Nothing about this situation is easy and nothing about it is conventional. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a toxic relationship and I need to completely remove myself from it, but I’m so scared of being alone. Our most recent argument started because he told me he was going out tonight with friends. I took off work to fly here to visit him, and he tells me that he would rather I not go with him. I asked him if he could at least understand why this is upsetting to me. He admitted that he did understand, but then followed by saying “this is why I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, because I don’t want to deal with this kind of stuff”. I see him maybe once a month and we really do try to keep things light and cordial because we know that our time together could be easily ruined, but this visit has been utterly dismal. I’m here for another 5 days and I’m been considering changing my flight to leave early ever since I arrived.
I don’t live in a particularly exciting city where there are tons of things to do, I don’t have any friends where I live, and moving right now is not really an option, not for another year at least. I’m so scared of how much I will ache if I just end this, but I just know I am going to keep getting hurt over and over again because he is never going to be the husband I need. We have certainly discussed walking away from it all and he wants us to remain friends, but I just can’t do that. I will need to completely disconnect, pretend he doesn’t exist – this is the only way I’ll be able to get over him and move on. I’m absolutely terrified, but even as I’m writing this I know this is what needs to be done, I just don’t have the balls to do it.
Rachel… but you are already alone. What are you afraid of? I know it must be hard for you.. but honestly, from a stranger’s perspective, you are just feeding up an illusion. Get in touch with your true self and find a love you deserve! Blessings!
This was similar to a relationship I had we wasn’t married but everything else that you’ve said was the same
I was just hanging on and on for some eventual change but eventually we were meant to meet and he cancelled and I thought enough is enough and never contacted him again
It’s been years now … I only contacted him with a short text when his father died
He isn’t in another relationship I am …
they haven’t got it in them to give you what you want or need full time
Walk away there is a whole life out there for you FULL TIME !! 🙂 x
Reading everyone’s stories really helps me. It makes me realize that I am not the crazy one. I wasn’t losing my mind. Well I was, because I wasn’t understand how my ex-boyfriend was treating me. I’ve been dating him for 8 months. It was a emotional roller coaster.. He has BPD. Well, that’s what he told me. I think he’s more a narcissist then anything else. But I will never know. And don’t think I have the need to know. I broke up on the 30th of march. I’m finally no contact with him. Just a smal text message from him, it would make me nervous, I would be trembling and not understand his point of view at all. He would never express his feelings and emotions to me. His communication skills with me were shit. All I wanted was to help him, understand him what he was going through.. but, it was impossible, because he wouldn’t open up to me. I didn’t understand, how can someone that “loves” you would leave you in the dark about important things. I’m a kind, generous giving person. I care so so much about others. That’s why it was so hard for me to leave him. I was focusing on his feelings first, I wasn’t at all thinking about me. But now, since the storm is over, I am taking care of myself, doing the things I love and trying to get my confidence back. Because he really made me feel powerless and small. He had so much control over me, that at the time I didn’t notice it. Anyways, it really helps a lot to read about other people’s stories. Like I said, I feel less alone. I’m I. Therapy now, it really helps. But like I said, I’m not focusing on understanding him anymore. I’m confusing on myself. Taking care of me. Hope everyone here are in a safe place. In your minds and in your life right now. I know I wasnt.. but now, I am! Stay strong, be positive and things will get better with time. I’ve been told that in the beginning after I broke up. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me that… now I thank them! Because, they were right! Stay strong you guys!! 🙂
Been nearly 9 months now for me since it ended.
It’s still very hard. I believe she has BPD. It was so hard for me and she could see it but had no emotion. It just didn’t seem normal. She was going to leave me for someone else and that fell through. Then she moved out and shortly after, within a couple of months, found someone else and moved in with them. And she acted like it should have no effect on me. I told her I cannot see her or talk to her. It’s very hard. There is no future for it and my head is saying I should be grateful I am free, when I look back at how poorly I was treated: lying, deciept, cheating, stealing. And yet nine months later I hear stuff about her and if affects me. I am still thinking why, what if, how etc. I just want to forget it all. She certainly has. Why can’t I?
Well I’ve been in a toxic relationship that I don’t want to let go. We have yet to end it but it’s like I’m holding on to his potential. I have never took as much bullshit in previous relationships that I have in my current. I get so upset with myself that I allow this behavior and disrespect. I’m ashamed of myself and don’t know how to let go it feel so hard. It’s kids involved on both sides with lots of love. I don’t know what to do lately we cannot get alone or stay on the same page. It’s a unhealthy relationship it’s a roller coaster ride. I always want to look at the bright side and hope and pray he change but very the looks of things he is not and I feel he is jealous of the moves I make because he is not in the situation to make his goals work right now and that too is an issue in the relationship. Where can I get sincere help?
I am in the exact same situation. I am literally heart broken up other week. Crying and wanting to leave but then get weak and dont go any where. I need help. I used to be so strong.
Dear Heaven,
Are you still with him? You wrote words that reach my heart.
I agree wholeheartedly that it is not the person but what dreams and hopes that the person represents for us.
I too, broke up a few weeks ago because I was no longer capable of handling the violent outbursts that seemed to come unprovoked and were far more extreme than the preceding conversation.
Heaven, I went into our spare room. I closed, not slammed, the door. I deleted all of our photographs from the last four years, I deleted all 6000 emails my sentimental heart had saved. Still, I did not cry, yell, or pick a fight or act out in any way. I just started preparing for a life without his presence. I began constructing my own safety net wherein he was not part of it.
Later that night, he wanted me to come to bed with him. He wanted to have sex in a tender way. And yet, he would not address how he screamed at me. He pretended that it never happened, I simply could not bring myself to be with him physically even though I love him very much. I had committed to starting a life free of “reset buttons” and lack of accountability and recognition.
I packed up the next day with zero drama or fanfare. He took me to the airport and said he loved me.
That was two weeks ago. He has since, sent one email saying I want to talk to you. It’s important, and one wishing me Happy Holidays using our nicknames for each other.
Within these two numb weeks, that is all I have heard from him.
It is hard and grievous because he was who I truly thought would be my life’s partner. We were planning to cycle through Vietnam in a few weeks and live a quiet life of reasonable happiness sprinkled with splashes of exploration.
But the unpredictable and inexplicable explosions of anger were metaphorical landmines that I could not live with. We all deserve to be able to love safely, generously and without punishment.
Please feel free to respond because I feel you both understand the confusion of grief in accepting that our dreams of a life with the ones we wanted to love.
Great article. Staying in a toxic relationship is a choice indeed. It’s extremely difficult to walk out of one, but you need to remind yourself that in the long run, it will be the best decision.
I broke up with mine 8 days ago and it’s killing me right now I’m trying to cope after two years of toxic Ness on and off I’ve been abuse in every way possible and I’m a man ! I just can’t get her out of my head I know that she’s not good for me but the cheating and the lying I could not take it anymore, right now I’m sitting in my car just doesn’t want to go home to be alone so I’m reading until I’m tired then might be sleepy
I was visiting my friend last week May 22 and she knows my boyfriend and she knows the shitty way he treats me. She tells me to walk every chance she gets and it always makes sense but I never listen.
We were talking about him and she wanted to talk to him so we called him. When I called it was in the evening and his phone was off. Two hours later I call again and it was on but went unanswered again and again. Around 8pm he sends a call back (yes he didn’t call after getting my missed calls) when I called again he didn’t answer and it was like that the whole night.
I went to sleep with a broken heart imagining all sorts of reasons why he wasn’t picking his phone. And I kept hoping he’d call and explain. Made all excuses for him like maybe he could be sick in hospital or something.
In the morning he called from his work phone to apologize for yesterday. I mean seriously this guy had to apologize 14hrs later what took so long. There was nothing wrong with him he claimed he couldn’t hear his phone ring. ? I could feel it inside me he couldn’t talk to me because he was probably cheating. When I brought that up he got angry and blamed me of accusing him. He loves me and only me why would I even think of something like that. But it just didn’t add up. It wasn’t the first time he didn’t answer calls and sometimes when I’m with him he let’s calls ring and doesn’t answer them yet he answers others.
I got so stressed and all hurt. I didn’t want to talk to him for a few days. On Monday 29 May I woke up bleeding. And my last period was on May 16 it didn’t add up. When I went to the clinic they thought I was having a miscarriage but the pregnancy test came back negative. And I’m not on any form of birth control that might have messed with hormonal balances. I was stressed and that made me bleed. I told him I was sick and going to the clinic and he never cared to even ask what they said or what is wrong with me. I had to send him a text asking why he wasn’t asking how I am and he claimed he was about to call. But he never did.
I can see this guy doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about my physical wellbeing nor my emotional wellbeing. I finally told him I need a break from this relationship I can’t do this anymore I need to find myself again. And he says the reason I need a break is because my friends influence me because they don’t like him they don’t want us to be together. He loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me and he thought things were okay between us. Obviously we have a different meaning of the word “okay”.
He is never wrong I’m either too sensitive or just plain crazy. He even made me believe that the problem was me and I went out downloading books on cognitive behavior because I thought I was crazy to think he isn’t treating me well. Now I need to remind myself everyday that there’s nothing wrong with me. I have a right to feel the way I feel because he doesn’t value me.
Now he is insisting of seeing me to talk. We always talk but nothing fruitful ever comes out of it. I know he’s gonna acuse me of having found another man that’s why I’m leaving him now. He has this way of always turning things around to make it seem as though I am the one whose wrong always. I refuse to see him but I know he’s gonna come anyway. I just hope when I see him I won’t fall for his empty promises of change that never happen.
That’s awful. My heart hurt for you reading that. I’m in a similar situation. I left my pregnant fiance (yes I’m a man and men can be abused too) a few weeks ago. I had gone into surgery and she did not visit me once. I was in hospital for 5 days. That was the moment I realised that this person did not actually care about my well being. She claimed it was because we had a fight before I went into hospital and that I sounded like I was breaking up with her before the surgery. Regardless, there is NO excuse for that. She was so concerned with her own feelings that nothing else mattered to her. When I left hospital I went straight to my family home, instead of the home I was with her in. And that was it. There’s been constant arguing, blame, and even short attempts at working on resolving it, but ultimately she turns angry on me every other day and it reminded me of why I left in the first instance. Our dynamic is so ingrained now that we cannot break it or our roles in it. So the only way was to leave.
I need help…
I have a partner that i have been with for over 5 years. We have split up once before and got back together after being separated for around a year…
He is working away alot. 6-8 weeks at a time and barely says two words to me when he is gone, i ring him, i text him. He doesnt really put an effort into it which confuses me.
I dont know what to define the relationship as; he constantly puts me down and tells me how im so lucky to have him in my life, how my looks have diminished and how stupid i am..
Among calling me a slut and other horrible names that you dont expect hearing from somebody that is meant to loves you. (although – he wont ever tell me he loves me unless i ask) We dont kiss, he will have rough sex with me and continue to be distant.
There are good parts to our relationship, well there were..
Anyway, He found out from a friend of mine that i had slept with another guy.
I take full responsibility for this and dont blame him at all.
What do i do? DO i take this chance to walk away or should i try? i feel torn. Is this a toxic relationship?
Yes, extremely toxic. Life is short be with someone who doesn’t adores you and he clearly doesn’t. You need to love yourself more beautiful. Don’t let anyone make you feel you don’t deserve the world. I hope you can move on and find the love you deserve. If you cant then be okay with being alone. Love your own company you are after all your favorite person.
Yes it’s toxic and you have become so used to it that it’s now totally normal. If it wasn’t, you would have been able to answer your own question. The hard thing for you is you now have the guilt of being the one who cheated, even though he had already emotionally betrayed you by treating you so terribly. Is he using the mistake against you to make you feel even lower than you already do?
It’s been a month for me and I find myself missing him incessantly. I find myself devastated and crying uncontrollably. All I want to do is call him because we haven’t spoken on the phone for several days now. I was very firm in saying I didn’t want to continue perusing this toxic relationship and finally he stopped reaching out to me. But now although I know it’s no good I find myself not being able to function without him. Then I remind myself of the many reasons why we won’t work and there are all very valid, but the good memories keep me wanting and missing him very much. I don’t know what to do he’s like a drug something that I need.
I’m in the same situation and I feel absolutely horrible. I’m in a toxic relationship with a man that has 3 children. I sort of kinda ended the relationship 3 weeks ago. This is not the 1st time that we broke up. However, I feel like the second go round seems worse. He is a Leo, and has issues with alcoholism and wild behavior. To make matters worse, his eldest child is absolutely rude and disrespectful towards me. As much as I tried to embrace her with love, she completely ignores my efforts. He allows her to behave however she chooses and will quickly defend her when she’s wrong. She sets such a bad example to her siblings. I have tried but I feel like he has sucked the complete life out of me. He is almost 20 years older than me and I feel like at this point in my life, I do not need the headache. I love him wholeheartedly. There are times when I sink into deep depression thinking about him. Sometimes I question if I made the right decision about leaving . I feel so lost and feel like I will never again find a man like him . My friends and family think I made the right decision but my heart feels otherwise. And the thought of starting all over sickens me to the core. I’m 34 and feel like I’m losing time. My family tells me that a better person will come along but I know at my age easier said than done. My only resort is to pray daily so that I can recover from this emotional trauma and that a more compatible person will enter my life. I understand how you feel and I guess time will heal.
Hi I am in a similar situation but haven’t left yet. He has 4 children and is a high functioning alcoholic, he is not loving, he lies and is financially irresponsible. I live with him with my son and I need to leave but I am scared. I am 51 I have less hope than you! I don’t want to be on my own.
If I leave I will miss the company, my son will miss his home and his kids. I will be financially so poor and my son gets a good lifestyle at the moment but the relationship is sucking the life out of me 🙁
I’m 52 years old and Also in a toxic relationship with a high functioning alcoholic. I have been with him for eleven years and drink much more than before I met him. It doesn’t take much for him to demean me and I never feel pretty enough for him. I don’t make much money so I can’t make it on my own. Although he says he loves me; I don’t feel secure, cherished,special, on a day to day basis. I feel lonely but I can’t I don’t have it in me to give of myself in another relationship or even if I’m worthy of anyone loving me just as I am. I’m a grown woman but I feel like a child who needs to be taken care of. I’m scared to be on my own .
I read your post and it struck a real cord with me. I just left a six year relationship just three weeks ago. He is an alcoholic, but not a functional one. We shared 6 kids together. 4 of them mine. In the beginning he was loving and giving and involved. Through the course of the first two years, he can began drinking more to the point where he wasnt wanting to go to work, became increasingly intolerant of the kids and emotionally neglectful and verbaly abusive of me as well as not being presnt at all with the kids. I finally had my last accusing deflating fight with him and i threw him out. I too was scared i couldnt do it on my own. When i finally didnt have a choice but to do it on ny own, i realized i had more strength than i thought possible. I began to, one moment at a time, realize that my self negative thoughts were not my words, but his. Dont give him the power to wear you down further. Fight for you. Dont be so afraid of you. Youve already commented on this page and it sounds like you have a voice. Grab hold of that. You are your best source for happiness and sucess, not him. Time and space from him will ulltimately lead you back to you. That is ever as scary as it is right in the beginning. Emotion, pain, fear, all those things will fade. Yoy will find your way because thats what we do ?
Oops,that age difference darling and 2+children that are allowed to do the fuck they please,is not new.Yhe topping being,he also educated (makes more money)and you don’t.You met him living with those children! You’re in for it, unfortunately the people who are telling you that you took the right decision are Soooo right.You,self will never see it until is late.I am 38and was dragged out of his house by my Senior brother after he got tired of hearing me sad and stuff.Mind you,my two children saw the all sorts of abuse and call thier family(my family, uncles and Grandparents to take them.The abuse was not even physical,but all than physical.so Sister, wether you broke or un/underemployed.Walk.How,I don’t know But Walk with just what you’re wearing and you ID.good luck.Old Crocks like young mambas Don’t change.
I have never questioned myself as to “when” I started to feel that time is running out to “begin again”, but….at least 20 yrs. later, I realize at age 32-34, I was just becoming an adult. It was like morphing from the larvae stage. Your life with “eyes wide open” is just beginning – not closing in. Although “time” does present as the enemy as we pass through periods of hesitation, procrastination, and avoidance, I believe it’s important to acknowledge these as part of the human condition. You are so young and have so much opportunity before you. Don’t let “fear” win. “Fear” in and of itself takes on exponential weight over time and clings to you like a co-dependent friend. Try to stop doing tap dances on your own head. Whatever side our decisions take – right/wrong, if we can look them straight in the eye and say “at least I tried to make the right choice”, you’ll be able to stand taller and move on.
My fiancée a drug addict. I’ve been with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him I can’t be with him anymore. If he can’t stay clean I can’t stay. I met him online and it was love at first sight. He bought.me a 270,000 house and it had all anyone could ever want. But he’s a addict. Functioning first but now not so much. I have school and work in Maryland. Now I have to move back to pa. I’m 32 and moving back in with my parents. I feel like I lost the love of my life and letting go of what could of been. Thinking he could get sober, he could go to school, we could have that fairytale future. But I know it won’t happen. He will spend 200 every few days on drugs but not 2000 on a wedding venue. I ache in places I never knew existed. And I feel numb. The bad part is I haven’t even moved out yet. And he’s not fight for me. Hes fighting for his drugs but not me.
You will never take priority over drugs.As the saying goes “drugs are his mistress.”
Stand proud you are not competing with another woman. Also remember,NEVER accept gifts that are not secured – mortgage paid, not installment payments on anything.
There’s still that price tag. This act of acceptance should be what you should be kicking yourself for. Hopefully, it’s the first and last time you’ll do this.Make it a mantra: Be proud of yourself and never do anything to invite disrespect from your family & close friends. Truth is, you’ll be hard pressed to retrieve it.
Wow, Gaby. Its like we are leading parallel lives. I couldve written the exact same thing.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! Its been 48 hours since I broke up with her. Its hurts so bad, Ive cried so much. I know she is not a bad person, but her need for love and attention is imposible to fulfill, and when she get mad says the most horrible things, I always blame myself for not making her happy, and it makes me feel so selfish and useless. I finally reacted 48 hours ago, but it is so hard, it hurts so much! I know its the best for us, we bring out the worst in each other, but i feel I so lost and sad, so tired and exauhsted.
This article helped me allot, Ill have to read it every day until i feel better. I love he so much, and my future fantasies take the best of me, until she makes me feel useless in the most loving way possible.
Il stop writing because I need to read all this again.
Thank You
Are you still broken up?
Im alone, but not lonely! I got back together and broke up a month later. Never looked back and cried allot, then started working on me, loving me. ? ive been single for some months now and happy with myself, happier than I have been in years! Ive learned so much about myself. Its the hardest thing Ive been through, but it was worth it. I believe its not the person, its what the person representa that haunts you, that tortures you and that is what you cant let go. When you realize that the first person you have to love is you, everything becomes a little clear. You let go of what you think is love and actually start feeling it, love for yourself. Thats the start to actually find love.
Andres your story is very similar to mine. Almost every sentence resonates with me and my situation. I’ve been without her for over 3 weeks now (i broke up with her bc of her verbal abuse and lack of real effort in the relationship). My question is: how did you get the courage to move on and focus on yourself? In my research I’ve realized that I lack self-love and that is something you started focusing on to get better. Any help would greatly be appreciated. Thank you!
Dear CK & Andres,
Both of you are writing words that reach my heart.
I agree wholeheartedly that it is not the person but what dreams and hopes that the person represents for us.
I too, broke up a few weeks ago because I was no longer capable of handling the violent outbursts that seemed to come unprovoked and were far more extreme than the preceding conversation.
CK, I went into our spare room. I closed, not slammed, the door. I deleted all of our photographs from the last four years, I deleted all 6000 emails my sentimental heart had saved. Still, I did not cry, yell, or pick a fight or act out in any way. I just started preparing for a life without his presence. I began constructing my own safety net wherein he was not part of it.
Later that night, he wanted me to come to bed with him. He wanted to have sex in a tender way. And yet, he would not address how he screamed at me. He pretended that it never happened, I simply could not bring myself to be with him physically even though I love him very much. I had committed to starting a life free of “reset buttons” and lack of accountability and recognition.
I packed up the next day with zero drama or fanfare. He took me to the airport and said he loved me.
That was two weeks ago. He has since, sent one email saying I want to talk to you. It’s important, and one wishing me Happy Holidays using our nicknames for each other.
Within these two numb weeks, that is all I have heard from him.
It is hard and grievous because he was who I truly thought would be my life’s partner. We were planning to cycle through Vietnam in a few weeks and live a quiet life of reasonable happiness sprinkled with splashes of exploration.
But the unpredictable and inexplicable explosions of anger were metaphorical landmines that I could not live with. We all deserve to be able to love safely, generously and without punishment.
Please feel free to respond because I feel you both understand the confusion of grief in accepting that our dreams of a life with the ones we wanted to love.
DE ELLE, I feel as if you just told my story and reading it brought me to tears. I had really began to think that no one could or would understand . It was like living with a volcano that could erupt at any time for the smallest of reasons or for none at all. He had built this façade that I wholeheartedly bought into. I tried to leave and backed off countless of times. The final straw was him punching a whole in the closet door. His anger had began to escalate into damaging property how long until it was me and not the door.
CK, you asked about resources. I’m only now in the process of leaving my husband after too many lies, too many promises to change and too much cheating. Compassion for the pain driving him can’t eclipse compassion for myself.
But I’ve been readying myself for this with the help of 12-step programs (they have them for partners of alcoholics, or for codependents, or love/sex addicts – whatever you might identify with). Meetings and readings have helped me put the focus on myself and stop looking to my husband as an emotional crutch. They’ve helped me make self-care (and not self-indulgence, which I was good at) a priority, and the more I truly cared for myself the more my self-respect flourished. There’s also an AMAZING meditation book called Lovingkindness that might help you realign with what you love most about yourself.
You can continue to seek out things that fill up your spirit and give you strength to embrace joy.
I’m going to keep searching and make 2018 the year I rise from the ashes.
She sounds exactly like my boyfriend. We’re falling apart and I have been in denial for so long..this article was hard to read because it was all the truth.. truth I’ve been avoiding. I’m so broken inside, my fantasy of a future was never in line with our reality.
I could have written most of that myself! I have been doing the same thing for 8 years – on and off – up and down – emotional roller coaster. I am so disappointed in myself for going back after almost a year of being apart. Its like an emotional addiction that my rose coloured glasses tell me will be ‘different’ ‘better’ ‘he has changed this time’ etc etc…
I am now seeing a professional who I hope can give me some tools and reading matter to get me out of this perpetual cycle! I have just ended it and need to not go back this time.
I was with my ex husband for 2O years and I am just realising that this was also a toxic relationship – I have a lot of soul searching to do here and I am grateful to read all your responses. You have no idea how good it is to see that my thoughts and feelings are quite common, and I may not be going insane after all…. Thank you for sharing
I am about to do the same I feel so exhausted.
Hi I wonder if anyone cloud help. I started dating a lady at the beginning of the summer she had been in a abusive relationship for 10yrs then was in a relationship for 3yrs but that wasn’t abusive apparently he got complacent we got on extremely well but she was still living with him and looking for a place of her own, but we were getting closer we’ll i was but then every time we had a wonderful time / night she would become distant any way she moved into her own home but it still kept happening we had fantastic times I feel in a big way I brought things romanced but it would keep happening , and when I told her, that she must have doubts or doesn’t feel the same way she would pull me back. I love her. But it felt like she just want me when she could have me, or she need emotional control, I walked away the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She told me she was broken but I can’t fix her, I’m gutted there’s so many things I loved about her but the constant want you don’t want was driving me crazy it was hurting me and us it was like she sabotage it when it was beautiful, I only hope I mad the right decision I’m scared I’ll never find a lady I adored so many again .
Michael,
I promise that if you define what traits you truly want in a partner and set that bar high because you deserve to be loved in the way you are capable of loving, you will meet a wonderful partner who will honour your tender heart.
De Elle
Michael,
I was in a toxic, codependent relationship for 10 years, It is probably true that time heals everything, but it certainly wasn’t on my timing. It took me almost 9 years to finally get over him, which included one period of getting back together that only lasted 9 months.
I went out with a few people over practically this entire past decade and nothing went anywhere because of course, I still wanted Lee.
I have a great job, I have great friends, I am a dance and yoga teacher, my dog and I volunteer at an animal shelter, I would like to get more involved in my church. In other words, my like is good, but I am lonely and alone. I don’t want to sound negative, just want you to realize it might take a long while to find someone else and that has go to be ok.t
24 years for me, started off well, i was the rotten one at first taken all the love, but sure enough grew up, was brilliant, few arguments, but started going downhill, split up few times got back together, we had a son, her first child. moved abroad twice, i couldnt settle away from good job in uk, tried 3 times to live down under, she loved it. since menopause then an op and now any illness ailment etc lus her mountainous debts and still she bleeds me dry and i give in and pay her debts up. Now back in oz, i deeply unhappy, she coming out at my expense saying i can go back to uk she staying for good. torn between knowing and being told to let hr go as she toxic, or trying to force myself to stay here see if we can make a go again all the while our son back in uk. she cld and determined to stay and leave him there. i know i should leave her but feel sick at thought too. worse too i been unemployed since arriving due to downturn. need to try and let go. we never married but promised a few times
and no sex for near 2 years
Hi, I really feel for you….I have been forced to stay with a man who is much bigger and meaner than me, for past 5 years. No sex but once year, no compliments EVER….in financial hardship and he has medical problems. I just want to say…I wish we could talk because, it’s just not right…….my soul cries but I push it down.
She stopped having sex with me saying, “God told her not to have sex” I don’t believe that’s the case because we really weren’t having sex much at all etc…. I think she’s using this as an excuse to not have sex with me and to possibly be interested into someone else… She is disrespectful towards me, she’s not affectionate towards me, she ignores me when I’m talking to her, she’s be evasive towards me, she said she’s not in love with me but she loves me and most of all she doesn’t want to talk about marriage…. I don’t trust her and I think she’s using me for her convenience etc… I don’t know what to do anymore etc…
It’s not love, AI.
24 years and you know it’s wrong.
It was 14 years for me. And she ended it. It’s been four months now. And it is still incredibly hard for me. Not her. I realize now she gave up a long time ago and hung on and bled me dry financially while at the same time being unfaithful. That’s why it’s not hard for her. It sounds like your partner sadly has a similar lack of care, respect and feeling for you. I’m sorry. But for your own life and self-respect you need to take control. It hurts incredibly hard. I don’t know when it will stop for me. I feel sick every day, but it does get easier. I think about where I was four months ago, three months ago, two months ago and last month, and every month has been an improvement. Cutting contact is important. Otherwise they will manipulate and try and to draw you back into the cycle.
I wish you the best.
Wow, triangulation? He gets his wife, family, mistress, and love child, she does sound narcissistic but husband could be narcissistic using triangulation w wife to have it all. The affair is not ‘ok’. Wow.
I cant trust her behind my back. I love her but im saD to let my love for her go she has mental problems she will be alone and no financail support i cant allow that to happen to her
Thanks for writing this…I’m going to remember this in my heart and repeat it back to myself cause I know that pain is going to be me soon…..
I have been with my husband on and off for 18 years now and he lies to me all the time he’s toke drugs behind my back he cheated on me and he’s walked on me and the kids and every tume he begs for me back I don’t understand he got depression and says he left but before he left I saw a message on is phone that he was sending to a women then I told him I saw it then he deleted it I think but now he’s not here he’s ask to come back and he’s still mess me about and saying he loves me and it’s making my feel sick it stops me from eating I just don’t want to feel like this anymore
Feel so broken. Been together 4 years. There’s been cheating and lies , even an STi, physical and verbal abuse. Feel on edge constantly from the past cheating. Says he’s changed but still very active in social media. Weird thing is I have seen some changes in him , but I’ve lost trust and the person I was in the process. He keeps saying I don’t see the good he is doing, he’s booked a holiday for us. But I actually feel ready to leave now, have sort of intitiated breaking it off, but when someone has become your life and you still love them how do you even begin to truly go ahead fully with those steps. I know this situation is not right for me, I’m unwell and I’m stressed constantly and it’s harder because I have some changes in him, but it’s just not the same for me anymore deep down.
I understand we were together 3 years then the last year broke it off a couple times. Then he called stopped put notes on my door etc. I never answered the door and most of the time let the phone keep ringing. I couldn’t see him until I began to get over him. The lies made it so difficult to Trust him. I found myself constantly wondering if he ever speaks the truth. I smcwell aware of the many times he cheated with younger women. But never thought one of those women would be my oldest daughter. Wow yep wow. He destroyed my Live, respect, and trust I had with him. It was not all him she my daughter played a role in it. But i blamed him more, becuz he gas s daughter the same age. He knew it was wrong. Not to mention the relationship between my daughter and I is never going to be the same.
If I ask him a question, he always repeats the question back instead of just answering the question. I am aware its due to the fact he is Lying. He is not very good at being a Lier either…
I knew he was cheating and lying, but i fell hard for him…
The truth us if you can’t trust the person the relationship will not be a happy healthy relationship. He spoke poorly of me to his children and parents. Then told me he didn’t want his mother to know i was visiting him. Real man right to hide my car from his family. He can’t even stand up for me let alone not Cheat and Lie.
Trust me it will not get better as I thought it would.. i hoped he would change, but he needs to admit what needs changed first. Therefore it wasn’t going to happen. He acts like life is great dropping me off Xmas gifts and I threw it against my wall. I dont want anything thing from this man I can’t stand and wonder what was I thinking..
He is a good manipator acts straight and is far from doing things the right way..
He is Evil and I deserve better. As you fo to.. Be Happy and move forward yoh can fo this if you want too. I know you can…
God Bless
Me in Iowa
Thank You
I’m in the same boat and would like someone to talk to. I’m in a crazy up and down 5 year relationship and trying to find the courage to leave.
What scares me the most is the plans we’ve made together and the future I thought I had set out. Leaving would mean that all of that will be gone and I would have to start over.
When something goes wrong in our relationship I would always be the one saying “Let’s fix it” and he would be the one saying “I’m not going to deal with it”, along with all the shouting and swearing. It is really belittling and takes away my self worth as a person.
But like most people here, the fear of leaving overpowers it all, and time and time again I give him ‘one more chance’ and end up staying.
I’m here, email me.
Feeling the same. It’s good to have support. I know I need it!
My husband entered into an affair with an extremely toxic woman. She has controlled him ever since. He has tried to end it over and over again and winds up giving into her every time because he’s terrified of “destroying her life”. She purposely got pregnant and they now have a son. My husband has been the main caregiver as she is so selfish and her main priorities are destroying me and getting high. My husband corresponds with me in secret and we have worked through a lot of our issues. We had a fairly strong marriage before she entered it (together over 20 years). He is planning on moving back home soon and has seen a lawyer about making sure he has shared custody of their son. The problem with my husband is that even though he knows this is what he needs to do and he loves me, our children, etc. he is terrified of actually leaving her. He has given himself a deadline and has made some progress (such as finally admitting what is going on to his parents). He has been cut off from all his friends and family since she entered his life and also stopped working. She monitors his every movement. She goes through his phone, email, things, etc. When he is with us (kids and me), she is texting his constantly. It’s insane. He says this is the hardest thing he’s ever done and if there was no child, he would have ended things a long time ago. Instead of showing her signs that the end is in sight, he winds up reassuring her and “committing to her for life”. I am trying very hard to be supportive and not judge as I know once he is able to be free from her and can see straight, he will be able to go through his stages of grieve and start to think clearly. He freely admits that he has made bad decision after bad decision since meeting her. But he gets confused because she is good to him (when he’s doing everything she wants). From the outside looking in, it’s so easy to see what is happening. He has moments of clarity where he sees it as well, but then she starts manipulating and controlling him. She knows exactly what to say to him. He can’t stand up to her. As for why I haven’t moved on, all I can say is that I love him and he loves me. We built a good life together and complimented each other. Prior to her, he always brought out the best in me and was my biggest cheerleader and vice versa. We still have that strong connection. I have no doubt we can heal and grow even stronger in the future. I have accepted his son is a package deal with him and he will be welcome in our house. We haven’t shared what is going on with a lot of people…only closest friend and certain family members. This is to ensure his transition home is smoother.
My point in sharing all of this is asking how I can get my husband to work through this paralyzing fear and guilt to propel him to do what he knows he needs to do?
I need a friend here. I’m so lost, so hurt. So messed up. I have no one anymore.. he took that from me. If anyone is out there, that could talk please let me know..
Becca – here to help, listen – whatever you need
Becca, here to listen
Thank you, sincerely.. I’m so messed up. I keep getting booted off when I type a reply.
Hi Beca,
Feel free to email me at
I created this email address because when I was going through the break up 3 months ago, I wanted people to talk to and I just kept it. Let me know whenever you want to talk.
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to give an update on my situation for all those who are still on the edge and want to know what life is like once you cross over to the “other side.”
My first 3 weeks after completely blocking my partner from my life were hell – literally hell. I cried my eyes out every day and I felt this unbearable pain in the pit of my stomach. At the same time, I forced myself to work out and listen to all sorts of motivational and inspirational videos on youtube (I’d recommend Tony Robbins and alot of good Ted Talks).
It’s now been almost 3 months and I feel much more hopeful. The pain hasn’t completely left me but I at least feel that I can live without him and move on. I know that for those of you trying to break up, my words and experience will mean nothing because you won’t know what it’s like to be on this side of life (after the breakup) until you go through the experience yourself.
No matter who you are and what you decide to do, however, I can tell you that you can live without your significant other. Of course, it won’t be easy and people will deal with pain differently but it IS doable. All you have to do is make that choice and stick to it. Then just wait it out and give yourself all the time you need to hurt and be angry. But trust that you will move on if you choose to.
If anyone wants to talk, let me know. My email address is .
Best,
S
I agree, S. You can definitely survive and live a happy life on your own. There is nothing to fear about being alone. It is liberating.
My problem is staying out of contact with the toxic partner. The longer I don’t hear from her the easier things get and life becomes better and it seems my field of vision of a happy life grows; I wake up to what’s around me and how other people are happy and how good life should be. And then I hear from her, and the field of vision seems to reduce into a tightening tunnel. I feel sick when I see she has messaged or tried to call.
I have told her I never want to speak to her and will never call her again and I will never answer communications from her. But she doesn’t give up. The last four days have been very tough. I finally gave her a reality check last week, finally getting angry for the first time, something I was disappointed that I hadn’t been able to do. But finally it came and felt great. But the reality check seems to have made her panic that I mean it and although she ended it, I have finally made it 100% finished. Everyday has been call after call which I have ignored. It has stressed me out to the point of almost vomiting, feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, and feeling like I was going to have an emotional breakdown at work. I usually delete the voice messages without listening, but made the mistake of listening to the last one. She sounded upset and it triggered my stupid emotional response to want to save her. But I haven’t. I’ve ignored it. I know it’s all part of the manipulation. I cannot go back to being treated like I was.
AJ
Hi,
I can relate. Not that I have personal experience with a drug addiction/withdrawal, I’ve been told that having this feeling (which you obviously have as well) is akin to going through a drug withdrawal on par with heroin. In six months, I have broken up with my toxic narcisstic boyfriend 5x.
And like you, it has been nearly impossible to get MAD at him. I have always wound up coming back whether due to my fear of being alone (which I’m working on) or I just keep hoping he will change and become the guy I keep thinking he can be.
I had the courage to unfriend him on FB so that I wouldn’t obsessively keep looking at photos or his updates, but I have yet to be able to block his number on my phone. I don’t want to hear from him and like you, I feel a tiny bit better and more calm and relieved each day I don’t hear from him. Yet…when (not if) he does contact me, I will feel that same pit in my stomach, that same feeling of wanting to vomit, and that inexplicable sense of dread and excitement that he has thought about me, and I know my anxiety will stir up again, and I could get on another emotional roller coaster.
He is an addiction because I crave hearing from him even though I know it is toxic, poisonous, and bad for me. When I see him initially, I get a high. I feel desirable, sexy, and wanted. Within a few days, however, he has “gotten his prize,” the “chase” is over, and he reverts back to saying he doesn’t want to be involved, he feels I’m an “obligation” rather than someone to look forward to seeing, doesn’t know why he feels the way he does, would rather run away for the weekend to visit his friends across the country than be with me for a holiday weekend and has no remorse, no empathy. He doesn’t relate to my feeling disappointed when he cancels on me or want to do things specifically because they make me happy. He also can’t tell me he loves me.
I’m hoping I have the strength to do what you did and ignore his calls and texts (which will come as they always do eventually — when HE misses ME). I don’t have the strength to block his number. It sounds like you do not as well. I just want him to fade away. I deserve so much more from someone. I don’t know why I keep subjecting myself to this.
I really need any advice at all ….my partner of 25 years on and off ..just found out that he been sleeping with my naboghur for l18 months..he now in jail but out in July ..I’m not answering him at moment coz I know he will say …never me …What do I any one got anything coz my heart feels like its ripping apart c c
Becca. My name is jim,I want you to know that sometimes we find ourselves in places like this. Where people we thought loved us do the worst things imaginable.like make us feel like we are the reason all bad things happen,like we are the cause of all the bad in our relationship.when they are really the ones doing it. The reason we have nobody to turn to in our times of trouble or sadness. They are the ones that have broke us down to a point that we are lost. Are alone. Are lost.the girl I have been with off and on for 40 years has done that to me as well. I feel so alone.so sad.so lost that I lay in bed everynight and cry and sometimes just pray that when I go to sleep that I done wake up.its so sad to be where I’m at and I feel I have to stay because my “our” son who is 15 wants me. Here and it is the love for my son that keeps me from leaving. It kills me everyday to be where Im at. Anyway I just want you to know that if you need to talk to someone I’m here for you. Sad guy in indiana. Jimbo
He is still manipulating both of you. Letting you hear what you want to hear. Always the other woman’s fault.
You are a very brave woman and applaud you for wanting to support your husband and continue the marriage. I strongly suggest he gets counseling and both of you get couples counseling. If he truly wants to break up his relationship with the mistress, he has to agree to this
This article must be the best thing I have read today. I’m in a toxic relationship with my boyfriend. I have been trying to leave for the past 10months but I always fall back in. Every time I leave he blows up my phone comes and begs me to stay and promises to be better and like a fool I always believe him, which I think makes me very weak. I think it has to do with the fear of being alone and I keep convincing myself that it’s going to get better. And in the process I know I have been settling for the emotional abuse the endless cheating lack of communication broken promises and sometimes physical abuse. I’m just waiting for the day when I will feel I’m strong enough to leave and never look back. I don’t know why we choose to stay in such relationships because deep down we always know they ain’t right for us.
Get out before you end up like me. 5 years and still here. This man has done all he can to break me–and I don’t know if I’m staying because I love him, or if I have some twisted subconscious need for chaos. Name calling, spitting, holes in walls, broken phones (so many broken phones…), beatings, and one DV charge…I’ve think about leaving daily. I know I’m no example for anyone else at this point..but if I had one piece of advice, it would be to get out as early as possible. Just end it before you become to entangled with such a destructive and toxic person. It’s not worth you sanity. In the 5 years I’ve been with him..I feel like I’ve aged 20.
I, 2 understand all, of what all of you are saying. I thought I was old enough and had experience with abuse in the past. That I would see or Atleast know if it started happening. The scary part for me. It was already happening and I didn’t see it at all. I was blind sided again. 7 years later and a whole lot of heartache, mental abuse, the exhausting games always being played. I had enough and yesterday I told him to leave. I was done, can not and will not do this anymore. He moved out and last night was the first night I was alone without him. I can do this. This morning I woke up. Very emotional. Here it is toward the end of the day. I feel better. As long as I don’t talk to him I will be fine. Life goes on. I take my power back from him. So I can empower myself. So can all of you. Believe in yourself. U can do it! Ur not alone.
What a fabulous article! I am in same situation and 2.5 months shy of 6 years although may be over now after another odd day of constant blame. I can usually feel a vibe from male partner and this time not.
I am an overly independent individual with trust issues no doubt. I am a very strong minded person and great with business been self employed since 22 years old and changed that in 2007 due to a plan i made to move from city to rural for my kids, smaller town and more able to keep eye on them working as single parent by choice. I am 50 yrs now a medic/firefighter. I made some crazy domestic mistakes in my lifetime that whether involved for no meaning or good thought meaning cost me mentally and financially huge. I am not the pramiscuous type. I dont have to chase men and would never would. We all have flaws and i am aware if mine by far and some how i think can be extreme. I am black or white sitting neutral not preferred. Well after a crazy ordeal i went thru legal issue ..i messed with crap and knew it for the crazy reason i chose i have literally paid mentally, physically and financially for it. Prior to that legal event(4 years) before i was hit the the case , i had met a man as i never went out in that past time..going to school..raising my kids, working. I have an aura of I AM ME. I played the meeting low being skeptical, we had so much in common and to add the physical was unbelievable for both from intricate bone structure and features. As time passed and yip yap…a couple months. I started seeing things as odd and controlling. Ibthought being out of socialization for so long running rat race..maybe its me. I let things go although spoke up about it in a stand my ground voice. Months..years go by …fast forwarding and the most turbulent heart wrenching tear up verbally, soul draining events would occur out of no where. The on off switch as I WAS TO BLAME. WOE! He had tantrums about working fire dept and ems, going to class, interrogation of all where abouts including walmart and i was a liar for leaving an errand out. Although ironic how he cheated on his wife 20 years ago and i am not a cheater although i accepted him as he was honest to tell me. I sat neutral on that..i had no trust or distrust. I lost contact with friends…his moods unbelievable and the most ugly flew out of mouth. I knew all this..recognized all, although since i dont love easily and dint trust well i gave this man a part if me and has a hold on me even as strong minded and back boned i am …I FEEL SO WEAK. i all of the sudden as physically fit i am had acute onset of pure body and joint pain. The stress off never knowing what to encounter and working hard to b a quality mom literally tearing me up. My whole mind and body depleted…i have become melted and as far as being known as a well accomplished individual i have melted to I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. ??
There is so much to say and describe that i have already yapped enough in this response. The pain involved i cant describe…i have never given my heart as i did here and it has literally tore me up…i cant get over how weak and dark i have turned. How worthless i feel. So not me and it has taken over.I am aware of my issues of trust etc..and read quite often we attract what we signal off. I am amazed that that aura of my issues attracts 30 years back. I really have work to do. I literally feel like death and with so much heart ache, pain and disappointment in myself that has literally killed all of me and surroundings and who i was.
It’s nice to know that your not alone. I know it sounds weird but to know that your not the only one crying your eyes out, looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. I’ve been with my partner for almost 11 years. Since I was 15, and I’m 25. I started to accept the disrespect early in the relationship and idk, continued to just go with it. I’ve only slept with him and one other person my entire life and this other person was way back in high school, yet he accuses me and makes me feel like I’m out cheating or up to no good. Probably because of all the cheating he’s done in the relationship. I can name about 6 other girls that he brought and created problems with during our relationship and still I begged and pleaded to be with him. I mean I got down on my hands and knees and begged him to stay with me, when most of the time he was the one in the wrong, doing wrong. He thinks because he changed his ways and doesn’t cheat anymore bc that I should just be set in the relationship. I’ve alienated my friends and family, embarrassed myself at work, hid bruises and scratches from overly aggressive arguments. It’s just too much. And for some reason I stay. I stayed. I’m staying. I can’t let go. I don’t know how. I know I’m unhappy, I know I deserve better, but I just can’t let go.
Hi,
All these posts gave me hope. I’ve been in an on and off toxic relationship for 9 years. I’m not the strong girl I used to be and I don’t have the strength to move on for good. Like everyone else i’m holding on to the fantasy. I get dumped at least once a month for little things like asking a question. I get called crazy, controlling and psycho. I try so hard but it’s never good enough. I get ignored for no reason and I just want to know whats wrong with me.
I am so sad to read the comments of so many women like me that are being taken for granted. I also have been through a rollercoaster of a relationship that has robbed me of my happiness. Naturally I am attracted to men full of problems, the romantic types that later borrow money and tell you what you want to hear…
(deep breath) I was so in love in my guy who didn’t do much to deserve me, he had my love and adoration and just wasted it away. Drinking, and all kinds of other bullshit. His endless attempts to start some new weird business, that makes no money, he’s always broke. I have turned cold, I have so little compassion for those type of men, just disgusted… I am a pretty strong person and I thought “Dont give up, just a little longer. Next winter, next summer, after my birthday, after new years, it’s been 5 long f-ing years. We had amazing times, but the bad times definitely outweighed the good ones. It’s mostly great sex but that doesnt fix the rest of the relationship, no sir. I don’t even get a spark when I kissed him last, that’s when I knew, I got very scared, because my crazy dedication was the glue.
He borrowed again and then after 2 days of no contact, I decided I have tried absolutely everything in my power and I didn’t have to, but I did so I guess this is it. I went to his house when he wasb’t there and got all my stuff and never talked to him again. Blocked him and told him I would call the police if he came by. I am so afraid to be sucked back into this horrible black hole of desire, resentment, and mockery.
You can say that I am a state of shock because I don’t know what I feel anymore, but I know one thing – I will NEVER be used again. There are good men out there so I intend to be a lot more selective in who I get into relationship with. I understand now that lust and relationships are two very different things.
Finally, I noticed like so many of you I noticed the signs and I ignored them, over and over. I did it for a reason, I wanted things to work out so I was heavily compromising my own values just to be the one. What I got in the end is just a guy who did nothing, gave me nothing, broke things, pawned things, in a dirty apartment, I look back and I am kind of laughing at myself for being stupid, but that life.
Your story is exactly the same as mine and I mean down to every detail. Does nothing, breaks things, always borrows, tiny depressing apartment, classic smooth talker and tells you what you want to hear. I see right through that. That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is everything is your fault. He didn’t wake up work work on time? Your fault. He lost his credit card? You must’ve moved it. You pick a restaurant for dinner and he isn’t satisfied with the meal? Your fault because you chose the place- night ruined! Everything even if you weren’t even there is your fault. He takes no responsibility. The put downs and insults about your driving when he’s in fact terrible at driving and crashed my car because he never looks properly! If I mention nicely and calmly that he needs to be a bit more observant when driving I’m a horrible mean person. I didn’t even get upset or bring up the incident about him crashing my car as he would’ve gone absolutely ballistic yelling and carrying on how it wasn’t his fault and I must’ve done somthing to distract him. The list goes on. Still havnt left him it’s almost been 3 years 🙁
All the stories posted gave me life. I had to save the article which was amazingly encouraging. I know deserve better. I just feel like a failure because it seems like every relationship I have been in seems like the men are so selfish. I have a huge heart and will do anything for the man I love to see him happy – even if it makes me uncomfortable temporarily. I never get back what I give. I’m tired of being drained. I love him but I know that his love for me ain’t equivalent to my love for him. I blame myself for accepting bs when it started. He knows how much I love him and I feel he takes advantage of that. I want out but dam so hurt and so confused. Any advice to help me take that step and not look back?
I have been with my husband for 15 years and he has lied over and over he has taken off stayed gone swollen money from me cheated and I’ve stayed I got pregnant but lost the babies and I didn’t tell him now I don’t know what to do
Hi.
I am 8 months pregnant and decided yesterday that I wasn’t going to take anymore. When I read your article about toxic people it was him exactly. I would listen to the means things he would say and try to use them constructively to be better. He said that he doesn’t actually mean the words, he really loves me, I know that I’m his favorite person so it’s okay. It was his way of keeping me around. I would tell him to stop treating me that way or I was going to leave (I was out of options) he would tell me if I left that it was over and he wasn’t going to work on things. In reality he wasn’t working on anything but keeping me low. Doing just enough to keep me around but never changing the hurtful behavior. Anyways, my last straw was when I asked him to not ignore me (my normal punishment) And I told him I still would like the courtesy of knowing where he was if he wasn’t coming home. Two days later he was out till 3am. I asked to talk the following day and he told me that I’m Impossible and I need anger management then slammed the door. I said very calmly I’m moving out. He leaves, I pack up everything I own, no furniture not even nursery, because he bought it all. I got a moving truck and within hours I had flown my mom out, packed my stuff, put my two dogs in the moving truck and left. I left the car even because it’s not technically mine. I’m done having him hold money over my head. I am not working but have saved up enough. Im trying to manage my mind the guilty emails and texts he’s sending me are painful but this is his way of manipulating me. He’s not saying he misses and loves me and he messed up. He’s saying youre a quitter, I hope you’re proud of yourself when you look back, can’t believe you gave up so easily. I need to learn to set boundaries for the way I allow him to treat me. I desperately want to stop making myself feel so shitty and finding ways he’s right and I’m wrong. I am a self aware, smart woman who is about to have a baby. I left a life people dream of but I left a relationship that was breaking me down. Wish me luck.
I am having trouble leaving my boyfriend. I know our relationship is in a bad spot and I know he won’t change I also know I am not good to him just like he is not good to me. We have 2 boys but we are both young (22 and 25) I feel like there is better out there for both of us but I feel so guilty for wanting to leave. I love him but I’m not in love anymore and it hurts knowing he can’t take me as I am and has told me to leave more than once because he doesn’t want to change. I don’t know why I stay.
I feel so low as a woman, i know it sounds crazy but after all the bad things he is telling me im starting to believe that its me n only me there is something wrong with. I live witht my partner for the last 7 years. we are not married. He was married before and got divorced. I met him 5 years after his separation. From the start of the relationship, iv always been the one fighting for us. Whenever we had an argument iv always ended up being the one to say sorry, eventhough i know it wasn’t my fault. Im not saying i am perfect and whenever i am wrong i admit that to my partner. He will never say he is sorry, very rarely. Neither can he have a conversation about our problems, it always ends up wih him talking about MY mistakes and what I need to change “so he can accept me” we never talk about what he can do for us for me. it always ends up with a fight and no solution, but him saying to me go to hell ur worth shit ur an idiot the worse woman on earth , u name it, just the worse u can imagen. it always end up with a figh, whatever it is, even if i complain of him not giving me any attention for example. by speaking my heart off. I end up crying for hours calling my friends for support yet to stubborn to listen to anyone’s advice. I know they are right ab him not being good for me, i agree, yet i cant find the strength to leave him. After the fighting he always kinda trying to “get me close” like nothing ever happened, but thats after iv cried and suffered begging him to talk but he just tells me to fuck off from his life. Can someone tell me why he does this to me? when a day ago he tells me all this bad things of how happy he would get if i only could just leave. i seriously have no respect for my self anymore, i have no self esteem , never had the best but never so low either. and i feel so lonely. my friends will always comment how beautiful i look , but ill never hear it from him. never. lately iv tried to come closer to him but he just rejects me, in a really hurtful way.when i asked what’s going on he says that im not doing it right, that he cant feel the touch of my hand. That im not “soft” enough. i really have no idea what he means by that, when im the same as i alwyas been with him. because i really wanted to be close to him, i told my self that i would try to come close first as we havent had sex for the last month and a half. Its ridiculous i know, and iv asked him if there is anyone else in his life as he feels the way he feels about me. he just starts calling me names and that im sick. iv confronted him that perhaps he just doesn’t love me anymore and thats why he is the way he is and whatever i do seems wrong to him, his answer is he dosent give a shit about me. The next day as if nothing ever happened. I really need help and i dnt know how to get out of this nightmare, am i that blind? how did i let my self fall so low for this man that treats me like trash?
Feel free to reach out my email is I am going through the exact same thing
Your story made me tear up, same here, I never get compliments, attention, taken any where, called a dummy, fool or stupid, even talks about my cooking…. when I’m packing heavy items he doesn’t even offer to help, likes and flirts with females on Facebook, doesn’t come to my house but I commute with my kid on the hwy to see him , then he doesn’t even call to see if we have made it…. … I really want out and I hate my heart has to be dragged around like trash
I have been dating this guy for 4 months, and I am seeing signs of a toxic relationship. I cannot do anything right, he never compliments me, he is negative ALL the time, he says I take up his bed space, snore, and wake him up at night, so I told him the other day I have a solution to this problem “I will not be spending the night with you anymore”. We are not living together. I have my own house to come home to…. I think this is the beginning to the end of this relationship. He was married 19 years and is divorced. He never tells me how he feels towards me. I think I am just a person to fulfill his loneliness from the divorce. I am contemplating ending this relationship because I feel so neglected and awful every time we are together. I have never known a man who did not like intimacy from a woman. He does not like to hold hands, touch, kiss and only sex once in a blue moon when he wants it…..which is not much. I am truly with a narcissistic man, and its really getting old……I am too old to waste my time. I am looking for a husband I am in my mid 50s and time is of the essence. I must get strong and move on, although I care deeply for this man and am very physically attracted to him. I feel it is a matter of time. Should I tell him, I am going to look for someone else? Or should I just quit seeing him cold turkey and tell him I am done??
18 years ago I met a younger man who was the most beautiful and amazing person I had ever met. He told me soon after that he did not want a monogamous relationship, but I had been so attracted to every part of him, that I agreed to enter into this relationship.
I didn’t really want that, of course, I wanted him to want me and then love me enough to only want me so I stayed, trying to be the most perfect and gorgeous person I can be.
Of course it wasnt’ enough. I remembered a previous relationship where the guy was dating several womenwhen I met him, but soon after being together he did not bother them, and we eventially got married. Certainly this could happen again, right?
This story with the toxic one begins 19 years ago. We had a great few years, I know he had quick sex with others, but it was not a relationship, so I justified this as okay.
Please don’t think that I didn’t have other offers at this time, because I did. I just didn’t want to leave L because I just thought if I was a little better, it would be okay,
When he told me I was the most important woman the world to him, I just figured he would have the decency to tell me if this ever changed. I fould out the hard way there was another he had grown to put above me, andhe was pretending at his sports club that they were a couple. apparently, she went to the club with his, I am a dancer and yoga teacher, not interested in that stuff, had to do my thing.
I found out and left him for 5r years. There was never anyone that meant anything. I wanted him back because I missed him so much so I called him and we got together for 8 months, even though she was still in the picture.
ut my heart was broken. He treated me like shit compared to what had occurred before. He ended up just ghosting me, I ghosting him, that was 2 years ago.
But I can’t help missing him and crying that we are over. I cry over songs like “Old Friend:, Out of a Limb, etc.
I am not younger and gorgeous anyore. I am just ok looking. If I had money I could get fixed up, but he was well off and paid for all that. I don’t have it.
I am becoming invisible, men don’t notice me, I am
sure I have ruined my life. sometimes I don’t want to go on, but my charity of animal rescue and yoga classes keep me going.
Can you help?
People will use you if you give them permission. If you are looking backward you can’t look forward at the same time. Your problem is not your looks but the way you think. Change your thoughts and you will have what you think, be it negative or positive. It’s not what you look like on the outside that is the sole determinant of relationship success but how you are and how you think on the inside. Read Byron Katie “I need your love is that True” and Laura Doyle ‘The Surrendered wife” and Henry Cloud “Boundaries” to build you a life that can get you love. First you will learn to get it fro your self and stop leaking your power all over the place with people that down appreciate it. Make yourself worth having so you can be worth keeping. Wanting someone that abuses you is the worst thing possible. A relationship should be nourishing and healing and happy and that can happen to you!
I LOVE what you wrote and the fact that you have such potent and tangible, pertinent advice, along with the books you recommended… Thanks, Charles for spreading your wealth Of knowledge and advice!! It’s good of you to be on here, spreading hope, awareness, and power in knowledge and having self-love for oneself!!
Any healthy relationship which starts and ends with LOVE MUST START w/ LOVE and understanding of your own self First. It also helps to learn the different dynamics and motivations of others, so you can recognize and learn to FEEL/be aware of their behaviors at any given moment. As much as people want to be motivated by TRUE LOVE, our needs and desires are often overpowering or shadowing the traits of genuine love. Receiving and endowing Love from a healthy place of understanding ourselves and others’ needs is the trick of the trade! I would also recommend reading the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman!
Very well written. I was married for 21 yrs. Drivorced for three. I replay the marriage over and over. I am trying to move on. I’m stuck because my ex refused to communicate his feelings to me. He just shuts down. I question whether he know now to express his feelings. It’s the unknown for me. He makes comments like “I should know”. Or says that I am ignorant. Keeping in mind he did drugs throughout the marriage. He did receive 30 days of treatment for 15 yrears of drug use. He pops pill. And he needed sex 24/7. So he had many addictions. I need to know how to get past not getting any feedback from him. It’s a game to him.
I read this article and it brings tears to my eyes. I am fully aware that the relationship I am in is a really toxic one.. I had been a happy person previously, with a lot of friends but now I have lost most of them, the ones I didnt are the ones who can put up with my constant excuses I made to not go out. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, off and on. He’s cheated on me before and I forgave him, where now I have anxiety issues and the main cause of my stress and depression comes from him. I can’t eat alone, I can’t spend enough time with my family, I can’t do a lot of things. There are times where I am possessive as well, as he’s done things in the past that was really hard for me to accept and I admit I’m no perfect person although even all my friends and parents do agree that he’s just way too much.
The thing is I don’t know how to let go, because he used to do drugs and now he’s stopped because I always would say I’d leave if he does it again. But now he’s just really possessive and emotionally, sometimes physically abusive. I’m unhappy most of the time. Birthdays, New Years.. I really would rather spend with the people I really love. I would say that I love him but I just can’t leave because I’m afraid he’d start doing drugs again or going off with other girls and when I see it, it hurts me so much inside. Many people ask why I still stay but I just can’t seem to explain to them.. I just want to let go already. He’s taking such a toll on my life.. I’m also sort of afraid he might try something like go on social media to say stuff or come by my work place. I know he’s afraid that I’ll leave, but even if I do leave it’ll be hard to get a clean break.
I’m realizing he’s doing these horrible things to me on purpose and I have a 3 year old, it’s wrong for me to be treated like this but I’m wrong to let my child go through anything more than he has. I will need therapy;(
My marriage of 9 years has just ended. Sadly the signs were there from early on when we met 13 years ago.
She couldn’t stand me even talking to another woman, and having to work with other women made things a problem. We would break up over this and get back together. This happened many times. I thought “how can she not realise how much I love her and that I am 100% committed?” and thought she would come to her senses.
We got married and there were many good times. But underlying it all were her insecurities. These led to excessive spending and always wanting the next exciting thing; holidays, clothes, fancy restaurants. We bought property and moved and no house was ever a home to her. She never felt at home. She would buy furniture and furnishings to make it home but it never worked.
I complied most of the time. There were times though when her spending got out of hand and I became the bad guy because she had drained our finances so badly. She couldn’t take responsibility and took it out on me. I became an enemy.
There were major anxiety episodes where she couldn’t leave the house and I was there to get her out of them. But she would look after herself to get back to normal and then forget it all again.
Everything changed me from being a fun and positive person. I supported her and did everything for her, not me. I sacrificed the things that made me happy. I changed. And the worst thing is that this change changed me from being the person she fell in love with to someone she fell out of love with!! So the years of 100% commitment, love and thinking she would change actually changed me and not her, and led to today situation.
All along I had a belief that I was a great person and loved her so much and she would eventually look after herself and come to her senses and we would live happily ever after. But in the end she never changed and I did, but for the worse. I don’t understand why I could never let go, and I feel stupid for it. If it was happening to someone else I’d be saying why are you still there? Get out, she’s destroying you, she’ll never change. But I hung on. And even now, she was the one to end it. I tried to save things. Why? I am a fool and it is embarrassing.
Yesterday I found your article and it changed my day. I started out feeling down, hollow and upset, the same way I have felt for the last month. But I found your article and it made things clear. I am not alone in this. She has actually done me a favour by ending it for us. I am now on a better path. But I still am disappointed. Disappointed in myself that I wasn’t the one to end it. A long time ago.
Hi AJ,
I wrote this to another person who is in the same place that we are in. I also am just coming out of a toxic relationship and instead of going to therapy, I want to speak to others who are going through a similar situation. I think it helps to know that your situation is not special, but rather, it is generic and can really happen to anyone. I’m a bit hesitant about sharing my personal information but like I said to Giana, I can create a fake email or something for you to get in touch with me if you’re interested in taking me up on the offer.
Hang in there.
-S
How sweet it is to read that I’m not the only one going through this
It’s quite maddening watching someone you love breakdown into nothing and this someone you love actually blames you for all the hurt
I have a child which I’ve raised due to his mothers toxicity. She’s been to prison twice since his birth. Her drug addiction controls her. He is now ten. I’ve given her chance after chance to come home even after both of her short prison terms only to be disappointed in her actions and her reasons for returning and taking the opportunity to be a family. I’m broken and severely damaged yet I manage to give my son stability and a chance at life. I’m not strong enough I feel. My lust and my loneliness keep me letting her back into my life on top of giving out son a chance to have whatever he might have left of a mother. I’ve cried in my knees for god to help me release these chains and I’m still there stuck. I loose faith I will ever conquer this. I feel sometimes the only way I will let go is if someone else comes into my life and gives me all those things that a relationship requires that I have to give . God help me
This article is so well articulated and touches on so many hidden aspects of toxic relationships that the average person might not think about day to day. I am newly out of a horrible relationship ridden with drugs and deception. The man I was seeing was also seeing someone else on the side and hasn’t really made much of an effort to apologize or explain himself. I blocked his number shortly after finding out and let him know that I no longer wanted to hear from him and got the most predictable, manipulative response ever-“Fine, I will lose your number officially too. I hope you do well because you deserve it… I was just worried about you and wanted to know why you haven’t responded… but whatever I guess we’ll just never talk again.” (Epic eye roll). I still feel sick to my stomach every day knowing that he’s been seeing this other girl… but I’m also fully aware that I was always in love with the idea of him rather than really in love with who he is. I have the worst track record when it comes to choosing men… they have all been drug addicts, abandoned, or severely hurt in some matter. I am attracted to these guys like a MAGNET. Not surprisingly, every time I end these relationships, every part of my life improves- my looks, my health, my work ethic…every thing. Yet, I always feel totally empty inside. It’s always been such a gift and a curse to be so incredibly aware of my own shortcomings and tendencies. I am currently doing ALL the things that are recommended to recover from a bad break up… but unfortunately I have nobody to talk to…not even one girlfriend. I’m very lost in my own company lately, but I think there’s a lot of growth and opportunity that can be found in my loneliness. I am confident that I can move past this. I’m working on just noticing my feelings as they go by rather than letting them manifest into something I can’t control. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. Everything I have read on this website is just so well written and so insanely needed. I might never know you, but you are so needed and I just really want you to know how appreciated you are. I will continue to walk into my own discomfort and embrace it. “Sometimes new beginnings can feel like endings.”
I just got out of a toxic relationship as well. I was the reacher, and she the retreater. She was manipulative and distant, and repeatedly invalidated my feelings. But I saw red flags and still stayed because I thought I could get past them – worse, I thought I could “save” her. I’m realizing that I do this with many, if not all, of my relationships. I cling to people and the validation they can give in order to fill that deep lonely emptiness I feel when I’m not with someone. I would encourage you, and pretty much everyone commenting here, to look at attachment styles and codependency in relationships. I realized that my ex fit the bill, and that despite the problems she brought to the relationship, she could never have been the person I thought she could be because she’s so unwilling to change. Until she does, we can’t have any sort of relationship or contact. I’m learning to focus on my own wellbeing instead of going to other people and things for validation and happiness. I hope that my ex finds a way to start this process, because I do still care for her.
But I’m still focused on me and my own healing from both this relationship and my past relationships that have created these bad habits and patterns I find myself in.
Well said
Hi Annie a lot of what you said really struck a chord with me. It sounded as if I was speaking about my life with what you were saying. I am also attracted to the wrong guys like a magnet. I also do not have any girlfriends to speak to and I know how hard that is. Maybe it’s different for you but I know I might keep a guy in my life longer than I should or even want to because he is not only my boyfriend but also my best friend and friend all in one. This is very unhealthy and I know that. If you’d be willing to speak I created an email address so you could contact me if you like. I’d love to have someone else to talk and it seems we share the same issues. The email is dv564721@gmail. Hope to hear from you.