Unhappily Married: What’s Best for the Kids – Together or Apart?

Unhappy Marriage: What's Best for the Kids - Together or Apart?

Deciding whether to stay in an unhappy marriage or leave is possibly one of the hardest decisions a parent could make.

Sometimes despite the greatest ‘happily-ever-after’ intentions, a relationship can become a tense, unhappy, conflicted union. If this is the case there’ll be no hiding it from the kids – they’ll know and according to a growing body of research, they’ll wear the impact.

A number of studies have pointed to the negative impact of divorce on children but there is compelling research suggesting that many of these problems have their roots in the conflict and tension that preceded the breakup. It is widely accepted that parental conflict does damage, particularly when it is any of the following:

  • frequent;
  • heated (verbal insults and raised voices);
  • physically aggressive;
  • unresolved (in the child’s eyes);
  • about the child;
  • brings on the silent treatment between parents.

Parents will do anything for their children and this may fuel the decision to stay together in an unhappy marriage. Conflict though, might do more harm to children than divorce:

  1. Harm to the parent-child bond.

    In an unhappy marriage, where tension and conflict is the norm, parent-child interactions also seem to show signs of strain. As explained by researcher and psychologist Chrystyna Kouros, ‘…if mom and dad are fighting, it will show up initially – and in some cases on the second day – in a poorer quality relationship with their kids.’  The exact reasons for this are unclear but there are a number of likely explanations. Conflict drains the resources of a relationship and in doing so, can give way to ineffective or inconsistent parenting. Parental energy is also strained, leaving less to invest in the children.

  2. The trigger for psychological and behavioural problems.

    Marital conflict is associated with a range of internalising (such as depression, anxiety, withdrawal) and externalizing (such as aggression, non-compliance) outcomes in children.

  3. Poorer academic performance.

    Children who report higher levels of hostile, intense or unresolved conflict between their parents show poorer academic performance. 

  4. Poorer interpersonal skills.

    When there is ongoing tension and unresolved conflict between parents, there is likely to be minimal modelling of effective ways to resolve conflict. Disagreements are a part of life and the first place children learn how to handle them is in the home, by watching their parents. If there is limited modelling of successful conflict resolution, there will be limited learning of successful relationship skills.

  5. Trouble with their own future romantic relationships.

    Children who are exposed to frequent marital conflict are more likely to have trouble with their own romantic relationships in adolescence and through to adulthood. For children from high conflict homes, their experience with romantic relationships and is a negative one, effectively limiting their knowledge on how successful relationships work.

  6. Leads to emotional insecurity.

    Research has found that when parents are in an unhappy marriage, the conflict compromises the social and emotional well-being of children by threatening their sense of security in the family. This in turn predicts the onset of problems during adolescence, including depression and anxiety.  

  7. Causes cardiac stress and an increase in cortisol (the stress hormone).

    Tension or conflict between parents causes a physiological response in children. According to research, when children see conflict between their parents, they experience cardiac stress and a significant increase in the level of cortisol in their body. This physical response can harm their stress response systems and interfere with their mental and intellectual development.

  8. Non-verbal and verbal conflict cause similar responses.

    In a study conducted at the University of Notre Dame, it was found that children responded similarly to both verbal and nonverbal forms of conflict between their parents. Yelling, name-calling and verbal spite induces the same stress response in children as eye-rolling, heavy sighs, silent treatment and non-verbal intimidation such as finger pointing or glaring.

  9. Increases the likelihood of adult children divorcing.

    Research has found the highest rates of divorce occur for adult children whose parents divorced after a high conflict marriage. The second highest rate was for those whose parents stayed together but had a high conflict relationship. 

How to Disagree Well – Even if it’s an Unhappy Marriage

Disagreements are a fact of life. Disagree well, and you’ll provide your kids with the opportunity to learn some valuable life skills that will hold them well throughout their lives. Here’s how:

  1. Don’t fight dirty.

    Reduce the hostility and don’t fight dirty. No name-calling, yelling, personal attacks, eye-rolling, glaring or silent treatment. If a dirty fight is all you have in you, just keep it away from the kids.

  2. Resolve the argument and let the kids know you’ve made up (they’ll be able to tell if you’re faking).

    Make sure you let the children know that the argument has been resolved. Research has shown that conflict is particularly damaging to kids if they believe it to be unresolved. Let them know that you and your spouse forgive each other and have made up. It’s important to do this respectfully and warmly. Children are sharper than we often give them credit for and if you’re faking the make-up, they’ll know it straight away.

  3. Keep the effects of the clash separate from the kids.

    Be deliberate in keeping the effects of a marital clash on you separate to your relationships with your kids. Conflict takes its toll on even the strongest person. An unhappy marriage will drain your energy but its important to stay patient, sensitive and consistent with your kids. Do whatever you can to make sure your children feel that you still have enough energy for them. 

  4. Be alive the possibility that the kids may blame themselves.

    Let them know that grown-ups sometimes get cranky with each other and that it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Let them know they are actually the biggest reason you love each other or care about each other and that no matter what, they’ll never be the reason for the fight. They might blame themselves whether the argument is over them or not – it’s just the way it is. If you are arguing over something to do with them, do everything you can to keep it away from them or at the very least, do whatever you can to shut it down.

Not all marital conflict is unhealthy. It’s important for children to learn how to effectively manage conflict and one of the best ways for this to happen is for them to see their parents doing exactly that – loving each other through the bumps. Conflict that is resolved respectfully and with warmth and empathy will have a positive effect on kids and equip them with valuable tools for their own lives.

 Children of divorced parents can flourish and be as successful as children from families where the marriage is intact.

Nobody but you can decide whether it’s best to stay together or separate but what we know from the research is that if you stay together, it’s critical to minimise conflict, especially in front of the kids. Constant tension and arguing can harm them more than divorce. 

I’ve never met a parent who went to divorce as anything but the last option – but it is an option and perhaps a sound one if the marriage is one of tension or high conflict. 

Showing respect to your relationship doesn’t always mean staying. If you’ve fought to keep it intact and it continues to fall apart, respecting it might mean ending it rather than sending it to a slow cold death. Only the couple involved can make the decision and it’s not for anyone else to judge.

Every family is different but there are common reasons that relationships fall apart. If you have more fight left in you, see here for the 6 most common reasons relationships come undone and ways you might be able to get them back on track.

There’s a big difference between giving up and knowing when to walk away. Deciding to divorce in no way means you have failed or that the relationship wasn’t important, right or wonderful in its prime. What it means is that it has run its course and has little more to offer either of you. Think carefully before you decide to stay together for the kids, they may be the reason you need to make the heartbreaking and brave decision to walk away.

How children deal with divorce depends heavily on how the parents deal with it. See here for ways to help  children safely and soundly through to the other side of divorce.

118 Comments

Annie

This article hits home so much, and i can relate to almost every point. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 15.5. We have had a codependent, toxic relationship for the majority of the time we’ve been together due to childhood trauma on both ends. I started individual therapy in 2009, and began healing my traumas. During this time, I realized the toxicity of our marriage and tried many times to leave. He was emotionally and mentally abusive for years and would always coerce me to stay. Once we had kids, I stayed for them. In the last 2 years, I’ve asked for a divorce 3 times. He had started therapy, we started couples and he stopped drinking. I did notice some changes, but unfortunately I had changed myself and no longer want to be married. I really thought he was at a point where we could do this amicably for the kids. But, I screwed up and got caught up in an emotional affair after I told him I wanted a divorce and now he’s telling me if I don’t stay and work on things our divorce will not be amicable. I don’t want to put my kids through the hell of a traumatic divorce, but I also don’t think I have anything left to give this marriage. I am trying so hard to find something in me to make me want to work it out. Not to mention I’m currently in a bad financial situation, so getting kicked out of my home and not having a suitable living situation for my kids is not something I feel to be fair considering how much abuse I endured in this marriage. This is really terrible.

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Lizette

I’m also in the same boat.
Married for over 13 years.
I’m ready to leave.
I haven’t had sex with my husband for about 3 years.
I hate his family, they are so toxic.
Whenever I look at my husband I think of his Dad, who is a narcissistic harsh critic.
But I love my daughter and have stayed for her.
My daughter told me last week, “in one more year, when I’m 9 years old, it’s time for you and Dad to have separate houses. You need to do that Mom. ”
So in one year, I’m out!!! I can’t wait!!!!

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Nice

Hi,
married for 7 years with 1 child. On our first year, found out that he was bisexual and when I confronted him , he said he was and now have changed. I accepted her secret that he kept before we got married. As year goes by, i can still see how he act as Bi, also the way he is treating me is disrespecful, (not most of the time though) but he can be infront of our family and friends. for 7 years, i nver had access of his income though he pays all our bills, after 4 years of marriage i found a part time job and been sharing expenses for groceries. But as for my personal expenses, I have also used my own.

Now,we have 6 y o child, who is curios and very observant. I dont know if I should leave him or stay for the sake of giving our child a family. I have been struggling mentally to accept his attitude, sex identity and the way he treats me sometimes and my family.
If you are in my situation, what will you do?

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Ejil T

So many heartbreaking stories. Staying in an unhappy marriage will affect the child one way or another in the future, when you are in the marriage for convenience, dependency, financial support, married and have children to prove to friends and family.

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Shirley

Thank you to everyone sharing here. This week is our 10 year anniversary, I don’t know how much more begging for attention and affection I can take. I am a married woman with a 5 and a 3 year old. I’m battling, do I stay for the kids and stay miserable and anxious or do I leave for freedom and happiness. Which is actually better for the kids to experience and witness?

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Mom of two toddlers

I am in a marriage for 4years ,i have 3 old and 2 old kid, it was love for almost 10 years until i found out that he admires my little sister secretly, kind of ignore it at first but i felt wierd all the time we’are intimate or at her presence, one day i found out he was chatting with an escort girl , i confronted him , he told me he was just curious how people would get a date with them and who may cost because one of his friends is doing it all the time, i didn’t believe him of course but i tried to do what best for the kids and family , still i don’t trust him and still don’t believe a word he says , i go through his phone sometimes but he just deletes everything and uses incognito mode all the time ,until yesterday I found out he’s talking to another escort girl and also he keeps all the sassy pics of my sister that she posts on instagram, he keeps hidding screenshots with a zooming on her lips and face, i am discusted right now and have no idea what to do next, my kids are the kind of extra emotianal toddlers, my family whould make a big fuss about it ,in his defense i know he will say i am not taking care of our house and him and i am lazy etc .. I even found a video of our house how messy it is, I have no idea to whom he sent it , cause he deletes conversations the video it self was mistakenly put on the cloud before he deleted it …I threatened to leave the first time but i didn’t cuz of the kids that maybe gave him extra confidence to cheat …..

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Matt

I hope you find happiness reading this. I’m a male and I spent 10 years with my EX mother of my 3 children. If there’s one thing I can tell any of you! Your child(ren) see and hear everything! Don’t live a miserable life for “them” you will spend 10-18 years sleeping with someone you don’t trust or love! Your children will see this and think it’s ok for them! Especially your beautiful daughters! I’m no saint and I’m not afraid to admit that! We can be great parents but not great lovers for one another! I’m happier than I ever been! Alone but a full time loving and happy father! No counsellor can force you to love ! Only you have that power! Naturally!!!

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Ky

He is giving you everything you need to know. Unfortunately he knows you have a hard time seeing the truth. He is unhappy and regardless of what you do he will remain unhappy with you. Someone like him loves power so when you break up with him he will fight for that relationship(power) again but once he has it he will fall for his ambitions again. He is a narcissist unfortunately. Prayers for you and your children you can escape his web.

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Lost

For years I have had thoughts of divorce but I really don’t know what to do. I have tried counselling but I go alone because my husband won’t come. I have tried planning date nights etc. My husband and I have been married 11 years and together for 15. We raised his son together who is now almost 21 and now have a 4 year old of our own after 6 years of miscarriages. I feel extremely alone in our relationship my husband doesn’t come on family outings like walking to the park, swimming lessons, Tobaganing, zoo, etc. Even when we go camping I’ll say let’s go swimming or go for a hike and he will just stay at the camp ground and I’ll take our sone and dog ALONE. My husband likes to golf and will go golfing lots with his friends, go to the casino and parties and pubs with them. I’m never invited or asked if I can find a sitter. He often spends the night at friend’s because they drink to much to drive home. Even when we go on holidays he will spend most of it golfing with friends and we will be on our own at the beach and on totally opposite schedules. I even wanted to go on a steam train and he had nothing going on and instead of joining us on the steam train he chose to stay at the camp site alone. I feel like he takes every chance possible to not spend time with us and when he is with us he is usually criticizing everything I do. I crave the freedom of being on my own but worry strongly about the impact it would have on our son and I’m not sure I can share custody and I know I would have to. What do I do. Trying to talk about it usually makes things worse and not better.

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Amu

My story is also the same….I have a 10 month old son….5yrs of this marriage has been an emltional rollercoater for me …he is very manipulative and tells me im emotionally weak, im dependent on hi. And auch bullshit…actually he takes money from me……I can’t let myself rot in this marriage…..I’m wish to come out of this….
But I’m worried for my son…

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Lady Cadaver

I have an 11 year old daughter and 9 month old son. My husband does nothing special for me, or the kids. If he isn’t working he is out with friends and I am left to work full time, run the house, raise the kids, clean, cook, make sure everything is done for everyone from school to doctors, to birthday parties to everything. I can’t leave because of finances and I am starting to hate him so much. I never signed up for this. I have no friends I spend every minute I have on the kids and home. I look like crap and I only leave the house to go to work and the shop for groceries. I am desperately unhappy and don’t want to be with him or any other man ever again. He barely spends time with the kids and throws his job up in my face when we argue or that we barely have sex, but I am always either exhausted or so angry with him because of the endless broken promises that I don’t want to have sex. I want to leave with all I am but I have no family to go to and can’t afford to look after the kids alone. I am trapped.

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Ky

Your story is the contradiction of mine. My wife wont let me leave her side. Ive been alienated from friends and family. Golfing is a thing of the past. Even her own brother asks me to golf and aje wont let me go on account of our 2 kids under 2. In one hand I understand the pressure of being a stay at home mom with two kids under two but on the other im a father holding down the fort, paying bills groceries toys clothes, everything that emcpmpases money. But is that not a reflection of stress and needing to decompress

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Jesse

I’m completely with you. My husband is the most selfish person I’ve ever met. We live together, with the kids, and he has deliberately missed their birthdays, Christmases, and family vacations (sometimes deciding not to go even as we’re getting in the car to leave, and making the kids cry). I loathe him. Honestly, I can’t imagine the kids would be worse off if he wasn’t there at all. At least then they could pretend he was somewhere wanting to be with them, instead of knowing he couldn’t care less. I always tell them, unless I’m dead, I will always show up for you. No matter what. It hurts them that he is so selfish and it hurts me that neither his family, nor my family, says anything about it.

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MARIA

Dated 4 years and have been married for 10.

Courtship was near perfect so i believed marriage would be bliss untill i found he was cheating jusy a fee months after our wedding while i was with child. It broke my trust but we tried to work it out. I forgave. In year 2,3, and 4 of our marriage i found that he kept ties with the same woman and a few others. It broke me completely. Trust was dead and romance was now a mirage. He swore he never cheated again my the coversations i found him to have made me doubt his love for me. Sex became a horror for many years beacause i always wondered if it was me he thought about while we were at it. It broke me. Little arguments started to turn bigger fights and today 10yrs in with 5 kids i sad to admit i probably made it worse by staying after he first cheated. That was a clear sign of lack of love. I hoped that we would get better but we are visibly worse today. I as most sad to see my kids watch us fight. I am 100% cetain he does not love me. He has no empathy towards me. He calls me names easily and snaps easily. He proactively ensures we spend no time together. Funny as it sounds he is a great dad and loves our kids. He provides their needs and a hard working guy. Apart from these good traits i have absolutely no other good things to say about him. I have tried to get us counselling but he acts as though it is a personal favour to me. My kids are afraid of divorce and i dont want to hurt them but i know deep down that he doesnt love me and staying will drain me more. I am a shadow of who i used to be.

Help me

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Tash R

If you live everyday only WISHING he made you feel even slightly attractive, liked let alone LOVED … then know this now. You seriously need to give a shit about yourself more! His lack of anything sincere will poison your entire being and destroy your childrens lives leaving your hopes and dreams to just wither away…. I was a pretty happy go lucky dreamer of a soul once who just feels like a worthless, lost, and extremely LONELY waste of hoplessness waiting to die. I cry ALL the time having become a pathetic , neglected nothing to HIM. Sometimes i feel like my only fight to stay alive stems from my stubborness NOT to commit suicide just to spite him in a last ditch attempt to FEEL some sort of control over how discusted i feel with myself for having let someone treat me this way for over 10 yrs, 5 kids myself!! I AM NOT UNATTRACTIVE but i am WEAK. I have no frigging idea why my personal standards of loyalty and commitment outweigh my self worth? I must be retarded cause NO ONE who has the spark in life i once posessed would punish themselves like i have….. Not saying you gotta divorce him but pls…CHIN UP and remember YOU because you are worth it:)

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Daniel

I’m in a really similar circumstances however money has it’s not involvements and kids we’ve been married for 2 year and together for 6 years.

We have a 12 week baby and I cannot tell you how bad things have been. We hardly have sex, she’s never wanted to be close to me as in holding hands and kissing.

I thought I’d be okay with this until I saw other couples and I thought you know what ib ant some of what they have.

I’m so worried about leaving my children as they’re my world. But what else can I do? We argue all the time and I’m absolutely sick of it. Life is too short. I thought the way I’m treated was normal. Until someone from work started to text me and I knew she liked me then I saw what someone does who really wants to get to know you, kiss you ect.

The woman who is texting me is 24 with 2 children and I’m 32 I don’t want to leave my situation and go into something that’s just as bad.

I’m so anxious about all of this I can’t eat correctly and feel really sad all the time

Dan

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A mom

You have a 12 week old. No one with a 12 week old is having sex. Have some empathy for your wife. Think about what she is going through, what her body did, how it changed, how that must make her feel. How tired you both are. Empathy is the key here, not running from a new mother and your infant. Be brave and strong. You have a family now; you need to teach yourself how to care for it as much or ideally more as you cared for yourself as an individual.

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A Dad

I feel for you. I went through a similar thing. Lack of any affection throughout pregnancy then again after the child was born. I put this down to hormones, the difficultly of childbith, tiredness, etc…however 2 years on things are just as bad if not worse and I feel completely trapped. I love my child and want to do the right thing by her which I thought was staying together, despite feeling zero love from them. Now I’m not sure.

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A mother

Have you though about why that might be? What you may be doing to contribute to this? Are you supporting your partner in the way she needs? Is your partner breastfeeding, if so she will still be very much effected by hormones as well. Have you tried speaking to her about where the lack of affection may be stemming from?

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Tired lonely mother

She’s probably still exhausted. Do you do your equal share of cleaning/cooking/laundry in the evenings and weekends? Do you show her affection?do u tell her she’s beautiful? Do you give her some time alone? Do you ask her on date nights?
You have no idea what a woman goes through physically and mentally. The woman is probably drained with no confidence.
The guy wanting the 24yr old. Do u think she’ll be still the same flirty person in a year running around after children? You have a tiny baby. are u for real? did you not help make that baby happen and now u want to leave because you’re not getting attention??
It’s hard when someone only shows affection when they want sex. You feel used and stop wanting it.
Give a woman anything and she’ll nurture it and make it bloom. Give her love and she’ll do the same

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A mum

The fact that a man even has time to post comments like these and be checking out other women in the workplace with a 12 week old baby truly highlights the patriarchal society we live in.

Most women who have a 12 week old baby are physically and emotionally exhausted. The amount of round the clock work with a newborn really takes its toll let alone all the physical and emotional changes a woman has to deal with.

My advice for any men reading this with a young baby that are feeling sorry for themselves all because they haven’t had sex in a while is pull your head out of your arse, appreciate your new arrival and all that your partner does to nurture your new little one and
look at how you can better support your partner to make her feel good about herself again. When a woman feels supported and appreciated by her man the rest will follow.

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Sam

I have similar story,well I’m actually lost and sad all time ,I don’t know what to do !
I met her and we get married after almost a year of dating ,I was living abroad and she as well . I left china where I work and have beautiful life just to be with her .
I have a lovely 4 years girl and inlobe her more than anything in this world ,after i left china we moved to my country ,I started working immediately and everything was good ,but she was always sad , careless to me and my daughter ,I did everything to change our marriage to better situation,so one day I decided to move to her country and live thier,and I swear I did that just for her to make her happy,I thought maybe she is sad because she is not adapting in my country and missing her family, although I have invited her mom and sister to visit us and all was on my expenss ,anyway we moved to her country ,I’ve been here now for a year and she is getting even worst, she became a completely different person, and now I am in a very bad situation,I can’t divorce because I’m worried about my daughter,I am so attached to her ,I really can’t sleep one night without seeing my daughter , so I’m staying because of her and only her ,I am suffering this relationship but I feel ok because I don’t want my 4 years old girl having a bad feeling of divorce , I never talked to anyone about my problem but I wanted to share it her ,maybe I’ll feel better , even if my wife let me take my daughter and go back home or live here with her still I’m worried and scared to death how I’m going to deal with all these responsibilities myself,I feel like I am in a trap but as long as I’m near my girl and see her happy calling my name then I don’t wanna rune it ,it’s not her fault… I will just be patient and try all my best until I find a good solution.these days I barely talk to my wife just to avoid any argument, inlet her do whatever she wants and I’m all the time silent, I woke early morning I play with my girl ,I cook ,I clean her , i let her sleep , and at the same time I work ,I’m not doing great at work because of this .

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Rich

I’ve stayed in a loveless marriage for 31years. The first 4 years were very good, eventhough we had children early, before the 4 year mark was reached. I tried over and over again to make things work, but, if she decided I had done someshing wrong, like unplugging her cell phone from he charger, and that is a real example, she would rip into me, accusing me of allsorts of things. And very often she calls me stupid, despite my having a higher IQ and having speno most of my marriage being the sole bread winner. But, maybeshe is right, I am stupid, because I stayed with her for the sake of the children. At this point, I am looking for a divorce attorney. Enough is enought. I will look for a more sane woman to spend my ‘golden years’ with, but I will nevery marry again.

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Saba

I’ve been married for 14 years.it was aranged marriage.i ahave two special needs kids. bonding between me and my husband is not do good.we are not ekotionally attached.he is not romantic person at all.The first five years lot of times he was rejecting me for sex. he was coming to me according to his mood,otherwise always said that i am tired. in the beginning i loved him but later I started to stay away from him.now i am diagnosed with moderate anxiety and depression.we have no intimate relation since long (6 months almost i guess). now i feel trapped in this relation.i feel improsoned and want freedom but i can’t.i don’t know where to go.my parents are not going to support me i know.even my brothers will not support.i don’t have friends here who can help me.i dont know where would i go if i get divorce.i am really dying inside..😢😢

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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