Anxiety is unpredictable, confusing and intrusive. It’s tough. Not just for the people who have it but also for the people who love them. If you are one of those people, you would know too well that the second hand experience of anxiety feels bad enough – you’d do anything to make it better for the one going through it.
We all have our ‘stuff’ – the things that we struggle with. Ultimately, they are the things that will make us braver, wiser, stronger, more compassionate and better humans. It’s just the way it works. The difference with anxiety is that the struggle is more visible.
Whether we struggle with anxiety, confidence, body image – whatever – there are things that we all need to make the world a little bit safer, a little bit more predictable, a little less scary. We all have our list. When someone you love has anxiety, their list is likely to look at little like this:
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It’s no biggie. So don’t act like it is.
In the thick of an anxiety attack nothing will make sense, so best not to ask what’s going on or if they’re okay. No. They won’t be okay. And yes. It will feel like the world is falling apart at the seams. They’ll be feeling awful, but they’ll get through it. If you’ve seen it all before there’ll be no need to ask anyway – and they’ll love that you know not to. Ask if they want to go somewhere else – maybe somewhere quieter or more private. Don’t panic or do anything that might give them the idea that you need looking after. Go for a walk with them – physical activity is the natural end of the fight or flight response, which is the trigger point of anxiety. Otherwise just be there. They’ll know what to do. They’ll have done it plenty of times before. Soon it will pass and when it does they’ll be able to talk to you about what has happened, but wait for that. Then listen. We all love when someone is able to just be there.
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There’s a bit to know, so if you can understand everything you can … well that makes you kind of awesome.
It makes a difference to be able to talk about anxiety without having to explain it. On the days they don’t feel like they have it in them to talk about it, it means a lot that you just ‘get it’. If you’ve tried to understand everything you can about what it means to have anxiety then that’s enough. Anxiety is hard to make sense of – people with anxiety will be the first to tell you that – but it will mean everything that you’ve tried. They’ll love you for it.
[irp posts=”1100″ name=”The Things I’ve Learned About Anxiety – That Only People With Anxiety Could Teach Me”]
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It’s physical.
Anxiety is a completely normal physical response to a brain that’s being a little over-protective. It’s not crazy and it’s not deficient. There’s a primitive part of the brain that’s geared to sense threat. It’s all action and not a lot of thought and it’s in all of us. For some people, it fires up a lot sooner and with a lot less reason than it does in others. When it does, it surges the body with cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenalin to get the body ready to run for its life or fight for it. This is the fight or flight response and it’s in everyone. It’s just that in some people (people with anxiety) the ‘go’ button is a bit more sensitive.
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You’ll want them as part of your tribe. (Seriously. They’re pretty great to have around.)
Because of their need to stay safe and to prepare against the next time anxiety rears its head, people who struggle with anxiety will generally have a plan – and they will have worked hard to make sure it works for everyone involved, not just for themselves. They’ll make sure everything has been organised to keep everyone safe, happy, on time and out of trouble. They’ll make sure everyone has what they need and if there’s anything that hasn’t been thought of, well it’s probably not worth thinking about. Notice the good things they do – there are plenty. Let them know you love them because of who they are, including who they are with anxiety, not despite it.
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Anxiety has nothing to do with courage or character. Nothing at all.
Courage is feeling the edge of yourself and moving beyond it. We all have our limits but people with anxiety are just more aware of theirs. Despite this, they are constantly facing up to the things that push against their edges. That’s courage, and people with anxiety have it in truckloads. Remind them that you see who they are and that this has nothing to do with that anxiety thing they do sometimes. People with anxiety are strong – you have to be to live with something like that. They’re sensitive – they’ll be as sensitive to you and what you need as they are to their environment. That makes them pretty awesome to be with. They’re reliable – to control for the potential of something triggering an attack, anxious people will go the extra step to make sure there’s a plan and that everyone is safe, happy and have everything they need. They’re intelligent – they’re thinkers (which is what gets in their way sometimes). They can be funny, kind, brave and spirited. So I suppose it’s like this – they’re no different to anyone else. As with everyone, the thing that trips them up sometimes (their anxiety) is also the thing that lifts them above the crowd.
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Make sure there’s room to say ‘no’. And don’t take it personally.
Sometimes plans might need to be changed to steer clear of anxiety stepping in unexpectedly. People with anxiety will be sensitive to your needs (they’re pretty great like that) and changing plans isn’t something they’ll do lightly. Your flexibility will never be taken for granted. There are many things in the environment that most people think nothing of, but which can be the beginning of an anxiety attack for a brain on hyper-drive. Things that are ambiguous or neutral can sometimes be read as a threat – not by the person, but by an overprotective brain. People with anxiety are super-aware of everything going on – smells, sounds, people, possibilities. It’s exhausting when your attention is drawn to so many things. Don’t take ‘no’ personally – they’re never meant like that. Know that just because they might not want to be doing what you’re doing, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you. Keep offering – don’t assume everything you offer will be met with ‘no’ – but be understanding and ‘no big deal’ if you aren’t taken up on your offer. They are saying no to a potential anxiety attack. Not to you.
[irp posts=”824″ name=”Anxiety in Kids: How to Turn it Around and Protect Them For Life”]
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Loads of lovin’ never hurt anyone.
Be compassionate and be there. Talk up the things you love about them. There will be times that people with anxiety will feel like they are their anxiety and that they are a source of difficulty. (Who hasn’t felt like they’re making things harder than they need to be? C’mon be honest.) Specifically, I’m talking about when plans have to be changed, when you need to book a few rows back from the front row, turn the radio down, take the long way. If this is the worst you have to deal with in a friend, sign me up.
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Anxiety can change shape.
Anxiety can be slippery. Sometimes it looks the way you’d expect anxiety to look. Other times it looks cranky, depressed or frustrated. Remember this and don’t take it personally.
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Don’t try to make sense of what’s happening.
People with anxiety know that their anxiety doesn’t make sense. That’s what makes it so difficult. Explaining that there’s nothing to worry about won’t mean anything – it just won’t – because they already know this. (Oh boy do they know this!) They would have told themselves not to worry a billion times the number of times you’ve said it to them. If it hasn’t helped so far then one more won’t make a difference. Be understanding, calm and relaxed and above all else, just be there. Anxiety feels flighty and there’s often nothing that feels better than having someone beside you who’s grounded, available and okay to go through this with you without trying to change you. Telling them not to worry is as effective as asking you not to think about pink elephants. Really try not to think about pink elephants swinging from a vine. With flowers in their hair. Just stop thinking about them, those crazy big pink babes. See how that works?
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Don’t try to change them.
You’ll want to give advice. But don’t. Let them know that to you, they’re absolutely fine the way they are and that you don’t need to change them or fix them. If they ask for your advice then of course, go for it. but otherwise, let them know that they are enough. More than enough actually. Just the way they are.
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‘You just need to get over it,’ said the person who doesn’t get it.
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Anxiety just happens and often there’s no real target. So if you’re suggesting they just need to ‘get over it’, the obvious question is get over what? If people with anxiety only needed a bit of direction to ‘get over it’, they would have given it to themselves and been over it long ago. Telling them to get over it is like telling them they’re doing something wrong. You don’t tell an asthmatic just to breathe. Tough love isn’t love. It’s just tough. Actually it isn’t even that.
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Don’t confuse their need to control their environment with their need to control you. Sometimes they look the same. They’re not.
The need to control for everything that might go wrong is hard work. For the same reasons that drive anxious people to make sure that everyone has what they need, everyone is looked after, that things are under control and the likelihood of anything turning bad is minimised – for the same reasons you’re looked after – you might also feel controlled. See it for what it is. It’s the need to feel safe and in control of the possibility of anxiety running the show – not the need to control you. You might get frustrated – that’s okay – all relationships go through that. Having compassion doesn’t mean you have to go along with everything put in front of you, so talk things out gently if you need to. Don’t be critical though. Nobody likes that. Just remember, while your resistance might look more like a ‘won’t’ theirs looks more like a ‘can’t’.
And finally …
Know how important you are to them. Anyone who stays around through the hard stuff is a keeper. People with anxiety know this. Being there for someone during their struggles will only bring the relationship closer. Nothing sparks a connection more than really getting someone, being there, and bringing the fun into the relationship – because you’ve gotta have fun. Be the one who refuses to let anxiety suck the life of out everything. And know you’re a keeper. Yep. You are. Know that they are grateful – so grateful – for everything you do. And that they love you back.
Maybe a view from the other side can help. If you love someone with anxiety you need to understand you can love and support them, you cannot solve their problem. Anxiety is one part of their personality. They have to want to address the problem and what it is doing to you. It is very much like alcoholism in that respect. Maybe that is another source of information for you.
I spent 25 years working 12, 14, 16 hours a day, 6 days a week. One weekend my wife told me she felt abandoned. Monday I was home at 6pm. Since then I have worked maybe 6 Saturdays a year. A few months later the bottom fell out of the universe. I have been in counseling and found a med that helps. However, there are no magic bullets, just a path around the deepest pits.
Accepting that while limiting the pit to 12 feet is the best I can do, that is an improvement over bottomless, does help whittle it down a few notches.
I have never mentioned the triggering event. It is my problem, only I can deal with it. Both you and the person with the anxiety disorder have to accept that it is their problem to address.
Thank you for this great article. Can you recommend any helpful books for spouses of anxious partners? I’ve been reading “Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner” by Kate N. Thieda MS LPCA NCC but not finding it very helpful. Appreciate any suggestions.
No Chido, I really don’t have any suggestions. If you can’t find anything specific on helping partners with anxiety, anything you read on anxiety might help you with a deeper understanding of what you partner might need.
I loved this article and as a person who has very bad anxiety, I loved how much i could relate to this.
I’ve lost a lot of people in my life because of my anxiety, and have never had the right words to explain how I feel. Thank you so much for sharing this!
You’re so welcome Chloe. I hope it has helped you also to recognise and own the many other wonderful things about you.
My girlfriend is pregnant and we have be arguing slot due to the little knowledge of anxiety..it’s become worse due to he hormones going haywire…feels like we’re splitting apart… can you give some advice please.
Do little things to nurture each other, remember why you love being together, kiss every day, don’t take things personally, each day, remind yourself of 3 reasons you’re grateful for each other, find time to have fun and laugh together. Whether you are fighting because of stress, anxiety or hormones, what matters is that you take care of each other and show each other how important this relationship is to you. It’s about the things you do to help the other one feel loved, important, valued, and nurtured.
Wish it was that easy….she want to start back at the beginning she gone back in her shell which I tried so hard to get her out we don’t see much…but when we do I try to hold her hand or try and kiss her but she moves away ? She say it’s overwhelming and she can’t do this anymore which could be anything…I’m having very mixed emotions….
I understand. Simple plans aren’t always the easiest ones. Be patient, sometimes things have to go backwards for a little while before they can go forwards.
Thank you for understanding and your kind words ..I will have to deal with it dad by day and see how it goes….can I email you the hopefully progress or decline to seek further assistance ?
I’m intrigued by your article. I married my husband just over a year ago and have been friends with him for 3 years now. He has anxiety and I don’t understand how to interact with him during his episodes. It displays as depression sometimes. Other times he mentions that he feels anxious. How can I validate his feelings and encourage him during those times when he’s experiencing anxiety? I feel helpless. Are there exercises he can do on his own to overcome and gain control?
Megan there are certainly things your husband can do to help with his anxiety, and your support is so important. Validate what your husband is feeling, ‘I understand this feels big for you,’ or ‘I can see that you’re worried about … I get it.’ Ask him what he needs from you, but ask when he is not in his anxiety so he can answer with more clarity. Don’t try to talk him out of what he is feeling and let him know that you’re okay. Watching someone go through anxiety can be a really helpless feeling, but remember that they will likely feel helpless too. You don’t have to change anything and you don’t have to fix anything. Just being there, without needing to change what your husband is doing or feeling or who he is, is a really supportive thing. As for what he can do, here are some articles that might help
>> Anxiety: 15 Ways to Feel Better Without Medication https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-without-medication/
>> Managing Anxiety: 8 Proven Ways https://www.heysigmund.com/managing-anxiety/
Thank you, I will check those articles out. I appreciate your help!
My husband is very bad Anxiety. Sometimes, I think I cannot stand. He is a computer engineer. but he doesn’t have a good job because in every company, after one year he was fired. Sometimes he said bad things to me, but I didn’t say anything to him because I don’t want to fight. For example, in his birthday , I wrote a simple sentence on Facebook , but instead of it i sent a nice message for him in the morning when he was sleep and took gifts and flowers and balloons and greeting cards and cooked his favorite foods. in the evening he fights me why I did not write loving sentences to him in Facebook. I was just crying. you can’t imagine my sense in those hours. I don’t really know what can i do ??? he took medicine but after one month he left them and he doesn’t want to go to doctor!!!
Farane, I can hear your sadness and understand how upsetting this must be for you. Your husband may have anxiety but anxiety does not force people to be nasty like this. Of course we can all say nasty things sometimes to the people we love, but in a loving relationship, this is acknowledged, regretted and apologised for, with a commitment to making things better. Is he committed to the relationship? If he is it is important that he does what he needs to do to be healthier for you. If there is something you are doing that is contributing to the problem, it is for him to explain to you calmly what this is so that you are able to work on making things better together. If he is not committed to being better for you – if he is content to keep treating you like this – then it is for you to decide whether it is worth staying in the relationship. It is important to fight for the person you love, but nobody can make a relationship work on their own. It takes the commitment of both. At the very least you deserve to be heard by him about the behaviour you need him to change, and a commitment by him to working on changing that. It doesn’t mean things will necessarily change straight away, but it is important that he acknowledges how much his nastiness hurts you, and commits to working on changing that.
No excuse fore that behaviour. If he lost his job several times he has a great needs to be official recognized as a loved and capable person. He might feel that people can´t see that fore themself and needs you to help him get official confirmation. That day was a natural “place” fore his needs even if it isnt´t for you. Good luck, take care.
I understand completely. Does your husband deal with anxiety/depression and maybe some rough experiences in his life? I go through the same thing and my boyfriend will get triggered from the smallest insignificant thing. Please feel free to message me!
Can you send me an email ?
Great to see people connecting! If you would like to swap emails and need a hand with this, are you able to send me your email addresses to letting me know that you’d like me to pass it on to each other?
I wish I could find the perfect words to explain how deeply touching this is for an anxiety sufferer.
I feel like this is so perfectly written, what a graceful way to approach a very difficult issue for those who just have no true idea…Thank you endlessly… Such a compassionate genius.
Thank you – so much.
I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety and cried the whole while reading this. So beautiful. As someone who’s living it this is spot on. Thank you.
You’re so welcome Jacqueline. I hope it has helped you to feel more understood.
Articulating anxiety when for you it is a perceived flaw is very difficult. I have struggled many times to try to tell people that I am not ‘broken’ or ‘less’ even if I feel it myself. Your article is one of the most elucidate and compassionate I have read – its doesn’t make excuses, it explains and I love that. We all have our battles, but some of us have bigger ones….one thing I would add is the anxiety of trying to be ‘normal’ in what one would consider ‘normal’ situations i.e. a party can all add to the pressure we already put on ourselves, a little kind consideration is great!
Thank you very much for your comment and for sharing your experience. I’m so pleased this article has helped you. Anxiety can be difficult for people to understand if they’ve never experienced it before and I understand what you mean by the anxiety of trying to be ‘normal’ in a situation that other people would already consider to be norma.
Thank you very much for writing this, Karen. My girlfriend and love of my life has been living with anxiety for most of her’s. I want to do my very best to understand and be there for her. Reading each point listed here has definitely helped me with that!
You’re very welcome David. I’m pleased this has been able to help you. It sounds as though you have a wonderful relationship there.
Thank you. My partner started having anxiety attacks a few months ago. So far I guess we both thought this was a one-time (two-time, three-time) thing. But after cancelling our plans for a weekend-getaway last week, we both feel like this is our new situation and it will – for now at least – be here to stay.
I feel that right now I am the one struggling to accept is. I wonder what about our holidays in October? What about our long-time planned trip to the USA in winter (we live in Europe)? What about visiting my parents which live in another part of the country? Will I now always have to go out alone, meet friends alone, go for a holiday alone?
These days, it’s my partner who has to take care of me, while I feel guilty, because he’s the one living with anxiety. I should be the one supporting him. When I told him so, he said “I am constantly reassuring myself, I might as well tell you the same things that I am telling myself all the time. And sometimes I need you to support me, now you need me to support you. That’s the way it goes.”
Your partner is absolutely right and has explained it beautifully. A relationship is about looking after each other. There will be times when one of you needs it more than the other, and that’s okay. We all have things that we struggle with and in a relationship, the struggle is often shared. It sounds as though you have a wonderful partner who is able to recognise that at the moment, you’re struggling a little and are in need of support. There will come a time when this swaps over, and you’ll be the one who is there to give strength and comfort to him – it’s all a part of the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, especially the good ones. Here is some more information that might be useful for you – ‘Anxiety and Intimate Relationships: How to Stop it Stealing the Magic’ https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-and-intimate-relationships-how-to-stop-anxiety-from-stealing-the-magic/
Thank you so much for this! My husband is currently struggling with my anxiety. He doesn’t understand or even try to. He gets hurt and takes it personal when I get anxious. I am praying this article will help him to understand me, even if just a little bit. Just today, he woke up early (couldn’t sleep) and decided to go into work early. He got in the shower, keeping me from getting in and therefore disrupting my entire morning routines and schedule. He couldn’t understand why I freaked out over this. I can’t wait to have him read this! It’s written all about me!!!!
You’re very welcome. I hope the it helps.
your website is very helpfull thankyou i was looking for some advice . my son is 22 he has seen a doctor. not realy helpfull . he droped out of collage twice. has not worked at all .i thought he was lazy for along time as he would hide himself in his room .so i never new he was having these attacks , then thay got so bad he came out of his room in the middle of one. i didnt know what to do. i called the doctor he talked him down and maid an appointment the next week. he was told to make an appointment with a counciler which he did .onlyhe had an attack the night before and was in no state to go ,as he missed the appoinment thay said he couldnt have another for six weeks, he carnt even go to job center to sign on so he and i are living on my pension ,he dosent go out at all and wont have friends round. thuogh he dos talk to them on internet.im at a loss as to what to do for him,the doctor says has advised him,
You’re very welcome. It sounds as though counselling will be an important part of helping your son to get his life back. Anxiety can be so debilitating and I really understand how difficult it must be for you to be watching him go through this. When anxiety gets to the point that it’s interfering with life to the point it is with your son, some sort of counselling intervention is important to help manage the anxiety and to stop things getting worse. I know it must feel awful for both of you at the moment, but anxiety is definitely something that can be managed with the right support. Counselling will be important for your son, given how severe it sounds, but I understand that sometimes the anxiety can be so severe that it makes getting to the appointment really difficult. Here is an article about some things that might help at home while you’re waiting for the appointment to come around https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-without-medication/. I wish you and your son all the very best and hope that he is able to find some relief soon.
Hello and thank you for the article. My wife has anxiety and I have a few observations.
“They’ll make sure everyone has what they need and if there’s anything that hasn’t been thought of, well it’s probably not worth thinking about.” If only it were that easy. Until that thing comes up that they didn’t think about and it’s a colossal event over something small.
“They are saying no to a potential anxiety attack. Not to you.” This can be tough when we want to experience certain things together rather than go alone and we miss out on those moments. Do they feel the same way or are they just relieved they don’t have to do that thing? I feel it would be nice to know that she is sad she can’t do those things as well. I’m sure she is more relieved than sad but still.
Lastly, There are few people that have endless amounts of patience and I am not one of them. I always try to apply these steps, the execution is not always great but I do try.
I really understand where you’re coming from. Living with anxiety isn’t easy for anyone – the people who have it and the people who love them. We all have our ‘stuff’ though, and relationships are always about trying to fit with each other’s vulnerabilities. It sounds as though you work really hard to do that.
My sister suffers from anxiety, as do I. Unfortunately we approach it is two different ways, she has become reclusive and won’t work and expects the world to accommodate her, I approach it by pushing my boundaries, recognising when I can’t do something but also worrying a great deal about how my ‘limitations’ affect others. Even as an anxiety sufferer myself I sometimes lose my temper with my sister. Anxiety can be a very selfish illness. I would not beat yourself up too much about your lack of patience. As the article states, having compassion doesn’t mean you have to go along with everything and the last thing you want is to become resentful.
Maybe encourage your wife to have other ‘safe’ people and maybe find yourself another confidant for talking through your problems? we like to think our relationships can be all encompassing but sometimes they can’t! I often have to remind myself that my partner is not my girlfriend and some things need to be shared with others and not him.
You are doing an awesome job Jim x
I’ve never been able to explain an anxiety attack even though I have tried. Next time I’m just sending them this article. It is a struggle everyday but it’s also a triumph when you get past it. Thank you for your words and for understanding people like me.
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased this article has been able to help you. I have a couple of people in my life who have anxiety and they’re up there with my favourite people. People with anxiety – like them and like you – can be pretty wonderful people.
Thank you. That’s the major just of it, just thank you. Yes I also have an Anxiety Disorder. I know I don’t make sense during an episode. But my family dealing with me is so much more. I also have Panic Disorder, Generalized Depression, PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a little Agoraphobia, and Bipolar Disorder Type II. So when I have an attack, all those enter the picture too and I rage. A lot at my Mom even though she is my safe place, the one that listens, etc. I don’t know why my raging panicking anxiety often picks on her, unless it’s because I know, deep down, she will still love me once I finally find the end of the tunnel and cry so much, apologies all over, and such guilt. I feel like a monster after, like I could have let it all out, yet I know until I feel that shift, what feels like stubbornness, controls me. I wish there were articles for all my sicknesses, but looking too much into a mental health page is…not good for me you could say.
You’re very welcome. It sounds as though you have a bit going on at the moment and that can’t be easy. Taking things out on the people we love the most is something we all tend to do. Anger is something we grab as a way to keep more uncomfortable emotions at bay – we all tend to do this. The uncomfortable emotions that anger might hold down and stop from surfacing are fear, insecurity, grief, confusion – it’s different for everyone. It’s understandable that you feel rage and anger when you feel anxious or panicked. The main thing is that in relation to your mom, you’re quick to love her, appreciate her and acknowledge your part in what’s happened when things settle down – and it sounds as though you do that. Try not to be so hard on yourself – I can tell from your comment that you have a lot of wisdom and a loving, open heart.
I love this article… And I love my boyfriend for staying with me and doing all of this. He has no idea how supportive and wonderful he is.
Having amazing people close makes all the difference doesn’t it. And I imagine he thinks you’re pretty awesome too!
Hello,
My ex and I encountered problems due to his anxiety and depression. He suddenly broke up with me when everything was fine. Over the phone. But a couple weeks later, we were communicating again (very minimally and on his schedule). He said he still felt very strong feelings for me but he was still unsure and confused by a lot of things. He was confused if were are right companions for each other because our different interests. And he feared he couldn’t undo the damage he has done. I was trying so hard to be supportive. I have read countless articles about anxiety to understand better. But it has been 2 months and we are still broken up. He barely talks to me. I heard from him maybe once a week. When we did text, I kept reassuring to him that his needs and anxiety don’t make him a bad person, but its the way he approaches these problems that matter. I told him that I felt used lately because he barely talks to me. And since we are broken up, it feels like he just wants me available for when he is bored and lonely. His response to my concerns was “Then maybe we should limit our interactions more if I make you sad.” I told him I don’t understand how communicating even less will make me happier. But he just stopped responding. It makes me sad that he shuts down and avoids communicating the rare times that I express my needs and wants. I didn’t hear from him for a few days after that, and then I finally sent him a goodbye email. I told him that I want to invest my time with someone who is sure he wants to be with me and doesn’t care we like different music and movies. I told him that I love him but the way he suddenly stopped talking to me is unfair. Its been 3 weeks since I sent that email and I still feel so lost and heartbroken. Should I still given it time with him? Or did I make the right move to move on with my life? I can’t tell if he was just stringing me along or if his anxiety and depression could cut me out so harshly….Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
I honestly think you’ve done the right thing. The proof of that is that you haven’t heard from him since you sent the letter three weeks ago. Anxiety and depression doesn’t cut people, people cut people. If he wanted to be with you, he would find a way to let you know. You deserve to be with somebody who lets you know you are loved and wanted, not somebody who keeps you guessing. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. I know this feels awful right now, but you will get through it. You deserve to feel wanted and adored.
How would you suggest supporting a partner who gets anxious when you are upset?
For example if I experience an emotional event, they (because of their anxiety) end up steering the conversation around to their own concerns. Sometimes this feels very unsupportive and as if my concerns don’t matter. How can I let them know that I need support while ensuring they still feel supported by me?
I understand what you’re saying. This can leave you feeling like you’re going through things on your own. If your partner’s anxiety is triggered by the things that are going on for you, there may not be any awareness of what’s going on. It’s important to slow things down so that you have the opportunity to explain and your partner has the opportunity to hear you and understand. ‘When you get upset, I feel as though I have to look after you and that I can’t look to you for support. You really make a difference when you’re there for me, but it’s hard when you get upset. I know it upsets you when I’m upset but that doesn’t help me at all. Sometimes we need to be there for you and sometimes we need to be there for me. Would that be okay?’ Try this and see what happens. The most important thing, if you want to be heard, is not to say anything in a way that could be taken as blame. If people feel shamed or blamed, we lose them for a while. I really understand your frustration. The main thing is to keep talking about it. I hope this helps.
This really is perfectly written. I have never been able to put it in words on paper. This is it exactly and thank you for writing this. Made me smile and not feel alone.
If anyone wants to talk ever please call me anytime and I will listen and enjoy it –
Best of luck everyone! Stay strong!
You’re awesome. I love the community we’re building here at Hey Sigmund. Finding people who have had similar experiences is so healing and so important. Thank you for keeping the conversation going.
Thank you so much for this, it is very helpful! 🙂
Over the past year or so my adult daughter has developed occasional anxiety, and your post is a real eye-opener. I sent her the link and she said it describes what she feels a lot of the time.
You’re so welcome. It’s so difficult watching the people we love struggle with anxiety. I’m so pleased this has helped you.
I shared this with my husband and after discussing it with him afterward, we now recognize that this is something our daughter has struggled with for many years. She was very challenging to raise and like Emma who commented above, we felt it was stubbornness/strong will. Oh how little did we know. . .
We might’ve handled things differently had we known back then what we now know thanks to your article, but despite any mistakes we may have made as parents we are very pleased with and so proud of the young woman she has become. She is smart, determined, compassionate, funny, and pretty much an around great individual! We’re so happy she’s a part of “our tribe”
This means so much to me this article its hard to talk about how you’re feeling with anxiety but just having one person in your life what understands it makes a difference today has been so hard everyday its such a struggle
I’m so pleased this has helped you! I know how difficult it can be to explain anxiety to someone who has never struggled with it before. I want you to know that you’ll always be understood here.
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Thank you for another useful, well-written article.
You’re very welcome.
Thank you, this ha given me some great insight into my daughter’s anxiety and sometimes her behaviour. Her frustrations and need to control situations, I now realize, are more to do with anxiety then stubbornness, especially in relation to friendships. She is 11 and last year moved from a small school to one 4 times the size. In reality, she is doing extremely well. This will allow us to have gentle conversations during times when she is not overwhelmed to explain relational topics and encourage her.
I’m so pleased this has helped you. Anxiety can be hard to understand from the outside. Gentle conversations – absolutely the way to go. You’ll make a difference.
Thank you! My 15 year old son suffers with anxiety- it can be really difficult when it means missing school- but an article like this really backs me up with the understanding and flexibility I give him. We take each day as it comes- what you have written reminds me it’s not only hard for me, but excruciating for him. Thank you so much.
You’re so welcome. Anxiety can be awful for everybody, can’t it. It’s always good to be reminded that you have a really good reason for doing the things that you might not ordinarily do if anxiety wasn’t a factor. Sounds like you and your son are a pretty great team.
Such an excellent article! This will help me a great deal with a dear friend who suffers from anxiety! Thank you!
Thank you! I’m so pleased this will be able to help you.
Do you know me?
Cause this was written for me, and I am so fortunate to have a wonderful, loving husband to help me deal with all of my quirks.
And I’m sure he loves you because of your quirks, not despite them. Sounds like you’re lucky to have each other.
Yes he loves me no matter what. He is an angel plucked from the Heavens. Without him, there would be no me.
I couldn’t stop crying as I read this because it described me so well and it felt good that someone “got me.” I’ve sent this on to family members and hope they’ll better understand me and many others we know who are filled with anxiety. And yes, we make good friends who’ll keep you safe when trouble is brewing in a life.
I’m so pleased this made sense for you! I have a couple of people in my life with anxiety so I really get how the things that get in the way sometimes also make them amazing people to be close to. I’m really pleased you’ve sent this to your family. Even with all the love in the world anxiety can be a difficult thing to understand from the outside.
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel!
You’re so welcome.
Absolutely perfect!!!! Could not be worded any better!!!
Thank you!
I only wish I could have read this 15 years ago. I would have done things differently. My daughter has taught me so much about anxiety. She is an incredible human being.
It’s so easy to look back and wish we could have done things differently when we finally have the information – but the good thing is that it’s never too late to start. Our knowledge about anxiety has grown incredibly in the last 15 years. There’s so much that we know now that we had no idea of back then. Our kids can be our greatest teachers, can’t they – your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who is so open to that. (And I have no doubt you would say right back, ‘and I’m very lucky to have her’)!
Thanks for your response. We also talk about the possibility of her children suffering from anxiety. My response was with all our experience-knowledge she could identify any signs early and be so supportive.
Her greatest piece of advice she has taught me was ( is) to listen and acknowledge what she says.
This hit home on so many levels! Felt like I was reading about one of my own relationships. Thank you for putting everything so well, this was very helpful.
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased it was helpful for you.