When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem – 9 Things to Keep in Mind

When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem

So you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must drive you nuts.

I was in a relationship with an angel, let’s call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.

Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different’. Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.

Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:

When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn’t. But my feelings aren’t unique.

The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 9th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.

Your man’s low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work.  It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.

If you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)

Here are some important things to remember: a cheat sheet to get you through tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways.

  1.  He loves you so much, but hates himself even more.

    He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say ‘I love you’, he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong’.

    He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.

    A book I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don’t let the title fool you, it’s a book about shame, self-worth and learning to accept yourself. It’s a powerful starting point, buy it now.

  2. He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.

    This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.

    Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention so much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how great he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.

    He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he’s worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’

    It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.

    Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way?  Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’

    If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.

  3. He believes he must have ‘got lucky’. He feels unworthy of you.

    At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close, showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and started looking around. The high that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he’s seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to feel okay about himself.

    I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.

    I thought I’d got lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.

    Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect. This is an important point.

  4. He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.

    Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough’. He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.

    He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.

    There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much?  If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.

    To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now’. Tell him he is enough.

    The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.

  5. He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men.

    My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)

    If I felt threatened or not #1 importance in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you, and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again they go crazy or become irrational.

    He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.

    Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling it like it is.

  6. It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment’.

    Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.

    Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy’. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’ll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it’.  Problem: it’s never coming.

    You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.

  7. True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.

    In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.

    I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come.  My feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her’.

    No advice here, no matter what he’s going to give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.

  8. He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.

    Sick, huh? Hate me if you want, I don’t care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person go through hell for us, feel pain caused by us – can actually give us pride.

    It’s a dose of the ‘I’m worthy’ drug … ‘Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy’.

    Enough said, it’s time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.

  9. He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.

    Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.

    If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways I was like a child before. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.

In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Stick in there, but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, you are as well. Take action now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.


About the Author: Paul Graves

Paul Graves writes about pain, shame, and better living through self-acceptance at TakeTheLemons.com. He lives in Ohio with his 7-year old daughter and two cats. 

Paul is on Twitter and Instagram.

514 Comments

Aurora

I have loved your article. I had an exboyfriend exactly like this, I am still in love with him. It is very hard, I cried rivers because I thought he didnt love me, no matter what I could do…at the end he was telling so many lies and hiding and cheating. I tried to help him a lot but it is very easy to cross that line you find yourself also with low self-esteem. Because even if you try to be focused in the things you like, then you get worried for him, in a very unhealthy way, like to save him. I became jealous and possessive, almost obsessive. So I do understand what you mean, but I do also think that you must be really strong, and the risk to loose your own security is really high. This is what happened to me and now I feel so empty. I wonder if he really wanted to try and if he is aware of what he did.

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Jane

Thank you, a lot of it resonates. I have been with my husband for 25 years but it is only since retiring he has become a different person from the one I started out with: restless, needing almost constant external validation, bragging, prone to melancholy etc.
I am not finding it easy, I am the complete opposite. Hence my scouring the internet to find snippets hat may enlighten me and give me something to help deal with the situation. Must say I am not finding it easy to say ‘Love you the way you are’ – as it is a bit of a lie and as I say, he hasn’t always been like this, but I will try. But nothing to loose and hopefully lots to gain.cheers jane

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Monique Antonette

I stumbled upon your article today while searching for answers to my ex’s behavior and why he didn’t want to commit. I’ve been searching for answers for three weeks and nothing satisfied my questions until today. Thank you so much for writing this. It sums up everything I went through and now I understand why. I feel sorry for my ex and pray that he will be healed and learn to love himself one day so he can experience true intimacy without fear.

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Melody

My boyfriend is now realizing that he has low self-esteem ever since he started going through hair loss earlier than he expected. He’s starting to obsess over work and money to over-compensate for how he feels about himself. The cycle repeats itself when he doesn’t follow through on his ambitions and then feels ashamed about it.

Even though he has admitted this to me, he says he has too much pride to find a professional to talk to, and he ignores my attempts to get him resources to work through on his own (online articles, books, etc).

I know that he has made progress by admitting that he has a problem, but I’m very tired of being neglected over his meaningless obsessions. And his constant self-hate is starting to convince me that I shouldn’t be with him. I have to remind myself that he is wrong and that I love him for valid reasons.

I’m still trying to decide if this article should give me hope or make me realize that he will only help himself once I leave.

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Kia

I am trying to figure out the same thing.(in reference to your last sentence)
Been dating my BF for almost a year now. He’s a great guy but definitely struggles with feeling unworthy to have me. He gets in these low pits sometimes and wants to be reckless, but then he’ll be good and happy again. We are both christians, so our faith and same spiritual connection has been the main thing keeping us together. He’s a great friend, but it’s tough when he’s got so much baggage from his past (boyhood) and still trying to figure out what he wants to do in life and how to be the man that I need ( He’s always switching up on things he’s pursuing). It’s draining sometimes to see the instability with that, but I love him. He’s afraid I’ll leave him but I’m determined to show him the love of God through the unconditional love I give to him.
Praying he breaks this cycle sooner than later!
Praying that the bondage of low self-esteem bebbroken off of everyone whose experiencing it.
#BreakTheCycle
#RealLove

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Diana

I can relate to your story as well. My “ex”, ( he was never officially my boyfriend, but we dated for 5 months) would constantly say i was too pretty for him & would say little things like “hope you’re not flirting with other guys”, “oh i’m just your side thing” & “you’re just gonna like me for 4 months then leave”. He was insecure probably due to him being 10 years older & not having any college education while i’m currently in the process of getting my Bachelors degree. He would say how he wants to go back to school, but i feel like he would just say that because he thought I’d be more into him. Honestly, I don’t care if he never went to college & i’ve told him that – that i like him for who he is & that i don’t look at anything else. He has a good steady job & has worked his way up. (He works A LOT and has a crazy schedule, but that wasn’t a deal breaker). He has so many great qualities. He’s sweet, thoughtful, funny, and I am definitely attracted to him (he wouldn’t believe me when i would tell him that). He disappeared on me twice & would contact me days/weeks later asking for forgiveness & another chance. I recently ended things with him for good. I was tired of feeling hurt & wanted to focus on me & my school work. I also struggle with being insecure, just never acted on it with him because I would live in the moment. When together in person, I felt happy, giggly, & definitely felt the connection between us. I hope he can change, but I also feel bad for “giving up on him.” He was the first guy i fell for. Maybe we’ll reconnect in the future. When we’re both at a better place…

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Mzladything

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. He only had a full time job for 2 months and a part time job for a year that is only 10 hrs a week.. I did everything I could to make him happy. My daughters called him daddy. We love with everything. When he talked to his family (which totally different than mine) he would be jealous of his brother or angry with his deadbeat mom. When he’s not around or talk to his family he does great but then when he does they say I’m controlling him and he never stood up for me. I’m going thru alot he never helped with the bills or anything. He would reorganize the fridge, bedroom, closet ECT after I do it. I would ask for help cause I couldn’t keep us above water any more and my parents were getting tired of helping us. All I ask was a 40 hr job and then he would go into a pity story. He wouldn’t try but always come home complaining about his job. We got into in a few days ago. Law got involved and I still tried working it out. We met up and talked and I thought we was working it out but then I came home with everything gone except my daughters stuff in their rooms. I’m so confused and lost. I have him on my phone plan and he shut the phone off so can’t get a hold of him. His car is on my insurance and he’s making payments to my dad. I’m heartbroken. I’m not sure if I should move on. He has done alot of other things that I would talk in private. What can I do if anything.

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Nikki

He is more than likely on drugs. Get rid of him. Change all the livks. Get a restraining order. He is going to stop making car payments to your dad. If he took your belingings, your daughters are next. Get rid of him quickly.

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Kara

Thank you for this. Your former self sounds just like my recent ex. I’m 42, he’s 32. We met randomly one night and were together ever since. He swept me off my feet. For 8 months things were great. We had talked about the future, marriage, kids. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he was in love with me. I told him the same. We were on the same page I thought. And then he started pulling away, making his first mistake. (obviously things weren’t great). I then also admitted to myself he had a drinking problem. We almost broke up that night but I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to give up on us. I asked him why he was pulling away and he said I had become negative and he needed someone positive in his life. (I’m a teacher and had accepted a long term sub position at a middle school, with his encouragement and it was torture). I listened and said I hear you and I’ll do better but I also need someone who’ll be there for me when things aren’t perfect. He agreed and we moved on. Then the next mistake, and the next. The third time I said I can’t take his behavior anymore, that I loved him but his behavior was hurting me and gave him an out. I encouraged him to seek therapy (in addition to the drinking his dad’s in prison-he found out the month before we met. I had asked him if he felt I got in the way of him processing it and he said no, tht I had helped him). He didn’t take it. For a fee weeks he became more attentive, and I was hopeful. Then he didn’t acknowledge our anniversary, I discovered accidentally he watched porn after we had had that discussion and he said he didn’t watch it. The trust bells went off and I discovered he had been having an online fling with a client since the month he started pulling away. We’re on a “long break” but I don’t think I can get over the infidelity. That one stings the most. I was never insecure about myself before then. I’m attractive, smart, ambitious, friendly and have a great family and friends. I could tell when I confronted him about it hadn’t occurred to him it was wrong. He even said “I never cheated on you, I was always with you”. Um, wrong answer! I knew he was immature but not to this extent. And now I see he is insecure. I do think he thought he fooled me, and now my self-esteem is in the toilet. I’m going to Alanon meetings and seeing a therapist as it’s obvious I’m codependent, this was a classic case. There were so many red flags I chose to accept. It hurts to lose trust and to deal with the anger. I don’t know whether it’s worth it at this point to talk to him again, to let him know how deeply he hurt me if I can’t forgive him and if he can’t accept accountability. I truly did love him and saw through all the junk and adored him. Now I wonder if he fed me a bunch of lies, if that man I saw beyond his immaturity was a lie, a figment of my imagination. Anyway, thanks for sharing your past and giving insight into the male psyche. I just ask anyone male or female out there to be honest with yourselves before you enter into a relationship. I’m guilty of this too. Are you really ready? Do you value other people and their feelings? Are you in a good place? Cheating and dishonesty are absolutely devastating.

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Joe

I am working through my 10th month of individual therapy and 3rd week of group meetings for Al-Anon and Codependency. Learning to not be ruled by impulse, shame, guilt, self-hate is going to take some time. It’s been 48 years using these “tools” so far. Trying to be and do better…did not work.

My girlfriend tried to coax me out, but what was I hiding? Who was hiding? If I didn’t show or identify how I was feeling, at least I could minimize pain. I destroyed myself so no one else could. (At least I had control of that.) She would ask how I was, and I either struggled or lied because I didn’t know how I was, or even who I was.

I could talk about physical and sexual abuse, little to no support to show weakness (emotions, feelings), two older sisters, no brother, raised by an alcoholic single mother. I had to support her, protect her, never embarrass her…never be a burden. My mother’s mother died because she was driving drunk and got into an accident two weeks after I was born. Recently my mother told me that she went back to work when I was six months to a year and that she couldn’t relax enough to nurse me so she drank beer. 3 of the multiple babysitters I had until I was 7 molested me. I resented my life and the mother I was supposed to protect.

Wit, charm, humor, flirting, sarcasm, deflection, being a great guy, a great listener, with great advice…all tools of deflection, shields….and part of who I am. Nice guy with a sad story…another tool.

I left home at 17 and was married to (you guessed it) an alcoholic. Another one to save , cherish, and resent. Look at me – how noble, how long-suffering. Don’t look at me – insecure, self-hating, self defeating. After 16 years I was on my own with 3 kids. Oh, poor single dad.

After a series of relationships that I had low expectations of, and knew that I wasn’t getting my needs met, She found me and I found her. The one who would call me on my shit and give me room to work on it. But I didn’t trust her. I didn’t trust myself. I needed validation from a quick flirt here and there. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I deleted messages. I hid. I lied. I didn’t realize how messed up I was until she left me. That was hitting bottom. All I’m left with is me. Now I’m working through being present in the moment. Meditating. Working the steps to recovery and sticking with therapy. I may not win her trust or her love ever again, but I can learn to be authentic and real and get out of the cycle of self harm.

I am working towards emotional maturity:

– regulate negative feelings
– live in the present
– say no to temptation
– go with the flow
– form deep bonds

Stop believing that you are unworthy. This will cause you to harm yourself and those you love.

It is your responsibility to to get help. Ask for it! Stop teaching your kids to do the things that you do in hating yourself, trying to be the nice guy, not having healthy boundaries., etc

I hope this helps someone else.

Love yourself.

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Mary

When i read your article it is exactly what i am living now. My spouse wants approval from all the people around him even the things we already decided. I can say our personal life is on public (everyone knows what we plan, when he wants to change his job, our salaries, he tells me back their comments too etc) which we always have an argument. When i first met him i think he really worked on it, ( everyone was talking what a good person he is) he showed me the best part of him too and i was attracted. All in all, he always wants to be praised by others. Even he himself appreciate others on each and every little matters and when i asked him why he is doing it, he said just to make them feel great and this kind of manner is really driving me crazy and when it comes to other people he sacrifies his time and money which seems his priority is people arround him not his family. We have a son together and i am worried what kind of father he could be.

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Soph

I read your article…
What is a plan or questions I can ask my guy to get him to start loving himself more? This relationship is really hurting me. I feel like ive done everything I can for him. But he gets mad at me, is rude, unfriendly, and unkind. I dont know what else to do. I am searching everywhere for help.

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Kate

I read your article. My boyfriend had been married twice. He had a divorce on his first and his second wife passed away. I have always seen his resentment over his first marriage and the way he grew up as a child for the only way he would have moved on from all of what happened to him is wheb he could not say anything bd about it anymore. I believed he had a great relationship with his second wife and her family and he was able to live with them the life he never had with his own family and his first marriage. Only that the second wife passed away after six years of them being together. He vowed the next woman he would date has to be nothing but the best. Then we met. I was decisive and ready for commitment myself we moved together. I saw his lack of trust and has greatly denied it thus resulting us to struggle in our emotional level of connection. No matter how I gave empathy to him and our relationship, the blame goes back to me. He admitted eventually that it’s him at fault and that he lost confidence on himself. He left without any qualms. I was left dumbfounded and shocked. I had to ask repeteadly myself how it happened. The anger was there until such time I realized I need to move on,give him time to find himself and just trust the journey of love we shared together. I love him with all my heart. I believe he does love me too and him moving away is giving himself time to be whole again. I hope when we meet again he’s a better man.

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Ariel

This article is very informative. My ex recently ended it with me after 2.5 years. He too had some of the similar characteristics explained in these posts. It hasn’t been a week yet since it ended but I always ended up being “the problem”. I was the one driving an hr and a half to see him. I’m currently in school for RN and he always wanted me to drop everything and see him because he was having a “bad day”. He said he had mental issues.

As the relationship progressed I started catching on to what he would say. He never truly told me what kind of “mental problem” he had. He would just express anxiety and depression. I fell so hard for him and wanted to be there for him but he was so wrapped up in himself. I left multiple times, hoping he would see what he lost. He was never affectionate – maybe kissed a few times and intimate a handful of times. He was always degrading himself and I was always telling him why and how much I liked him.

I was so attracted to everything about him. He was very committed, don’t get me wrong – he never cheated. He would express how he wanted to stop going out and playing pool on Tuesdays but he worried he would lose his friendships if he did. He would get plastered, drive home, call a million times and I’d stay up on the phone until he passed out.

He would apologize in the morning and express how much he hated that he continues to do this. We never talked about the future and I expressed this every time. He wanted me to give 100% but I couldn’t ever get a cuddle or get him to come and see me, but damn I was there at the drop of a f*cking dime.

I truly did love him. He never said it but made sure to tell me I hated him all the time. Not sure what kind of mental games these are but I am one broken individual this time. I didn’t even feel like this after my 7 year marriage. Ugh. And not to mention he still said he felt lonely and would speak about dying.

He told me how stupid I always was and how if I didn’t call him he would leave. Well that Friday night he did exactly that. He would guilt trip me and tell me he didn’t know how to help himself but always denied my “advice”. He tried to break my heart and keep me around. So here I am crying in my bed reminiscing on all the good times we had. I’m still trying to believe that there are great guys in the universe but I always attract the broken helpless individuals and get shattered in the end. Whew.

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Annabelle

Thank you so much for writing this article. I’ve read many and none have been able to sum up a man with low self-esteem as well and concise as you have.

You have basically described my partner to a tee (although if no. 8 applied to him I’d be seriously concerned!). It also explains a lot about his behaviour and personality (which is really eye-opening for me). I never suspected he had low self-esteem when I first met him. He chased me, asked me out etc. and I assumed by doing so he was a pretty confident guy. After the first date though, the picture became a lot clearer and he’s everything you’ve described.

He’s constantly saying how lucky he is and how undeserving he is of me and recently, if either one of us were to cheat or leave the other, I would be the first to do it.

He’s always trying to be “number one” (proving himself to the world). He’s quite volatile, if people praise him he “loves them” and “thinks they’re so nice.” If not, he will make nasty remarks about them constantly to the point where his insecurity really seeps out.

He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men – yes! In fact, I’ve been banned from seeing a lot of my guy friends and the one time a guy asks me out via phone call and text message, he was so enraged he made sure I replied to the guy write under his watchful eye with a response he approved. I feel sorry for the other guy because I have him a very short reply.

I agree he doesn’t live in the moment, he claims to be future-oriented which I don’t mind. However, he’s let loose many hints that he’s actually past-oriented but in severe denial. Can these guys let go of their painful pasts if they find the right girl?
Or does it still take more time? They’ve been loads of problems concerning this.

He goes through bouts of overconfidence and then low/no confidence, it’s hard to keep up with him.

He definitely enjoys and seeks the company of women outside of our relationship (so far platonic thank God) and I have noticed he always chooses to work with girls or gets powerless around girls (lets them walk all over him and that frustrates me because I can’t save him). This has caused us problems because he’s always done whatever he wanted without thinking about my feelings and after one very nasty incident, finally learned to behave under certain circumstances. I still have my doubts. He’s obsessed with getting me to trust him and though I badly want to his actions make it so difficult. He’s also impossible to get through to, he holds onto his own “truth.”

While this helps me understand him better, I’m also aware that because of this, he has unintentionally brought over a lot of problems into our relationship. I’ve been patient and understanding but I’m only human and he’s very, very good at unintentionally hurting me. I’ve always encouraged him, being his support and at times, caregiver and have forgiven him time after time. I am young and am wondering how much more I can take and hoping that if he really does love me the way he says he does, will he change a bit for me and find some confidence in himself?

xx

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J

Reading these posts brought tears to my eyes. My story is so long but it sounds like all of yours. I am going throught this as we speak.
2 years i was with my ex. He was great at first, (im sure he still) it was different. He would spoil me, treat me almost like royalty. Ive heard so much bad things about his past, but i couldnt see it, i saw only what he showed me. And that was a man who was trying to live life. Hes a broken man. Hes lost. He used to tell me how much he needed me and how he ccouldnt believe i gave him the time of day. We came from different back grounds. Hes older than i am and what i found weird is that he was always obssessed with his looks hr always had to look good and always looked to me to double check. He always had to have the best of everything.
Later on, we broke a couple times throught out the 2 years, but he woulf always find his way back. When we would fught he would push me away and say thibgs like ik too old for you (47 and 34) or im no good. Just stuff to belittle himself. Id talk him away feom that i understood. He would be ok for awhile. Then came the validation he felt he needed with othet women. I couldnt handle that. This time, i believe were really over. He hasnt even tried to contact me one in 4 days. Unusual for him but i am having a hard time accepting things for what they are.
I do truly love him but im not sure he is capable of loving himself.

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Sandra

OMG my friend I feel your pain. Don’t let him wear you down again. I have been going through this with a particular man for over 40 years and I’m just plain tired. I lost my husband of 19 years thinking that this guy was Prince Charming. Once he got me hooked again after this on and off contact for years, the de- valuation began (which I was not even aware of after all these years) and now I’m alone in a small apartment with four cats on Prozac. Save yourself and don’t believe his words. It’s all a scam. Husband I left was wonderful. He was not perfect but we could have worked it out. Unfortunately I believed in the fairy tale and it ruined my life that I’m now trying to get back together. It’s not always greener on the other side… Stay strong and don’t go back. It will make your life a living hell.

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Dawn

How can I understand him better. I loved him the first time i had met him. He left and came back and seeing him again made me happy so. I took the first step

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Roop

Hi, my husband has similar issues , so he is always on this mission to prove his family he is worthy! He wants to achieve things that are unreal , so hard on himself that he pushes himself to extremes ! When we talk about bad day at work (he works with his dad, and major issue is he works really hard but messes up , n his dad talks to him rudely , shows no faith that he cld do things , also when he does something good no appreciation, he doesn’t take a single day off :() I see him tensed , he feels may be he really is not capable , it’s sad , he has a brilliant mind but he can’t see it .
We are married since 8 years and dated for 3 .5 yrs before marrying . I love him a lot ! He had become violent with me twice ,he wld regret n feel tht he ain’t worth my love ! N be sorry n not repeat it for months together ! 2015 I left him ! I said enough of u destroying me ! He was devastated! Sad ! Did try crying n asking me to come back but I did not ! He wld say I don’t want to hurt u ! Y do I do this ! When I hurt u it makes me feel miserable about my self , I love her n I’m not capable of keeping her happy , that breaks me ! 1 yr we stayed separate! He was in touch with me and was letting me go n supporting my decision meanwhile working on his anger ! After a yr I saw a changed man ! Anger under control ! But he still becomes sad n doesn’t like himself ! Too hard on himself ! I don’t know how do I motivate him ! He is filled with guilt and lives in past ! I want him to reaallllly see himself ! He is kind hearted and amazing soul ! It pains me to see him like this ! He realises I’m in pain , and he feels he ain’t making me happy , but thts not the case … I’m so happy with him , I really want to help him out What do I do please help !

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Confused

I recently got engaged to a man that I had loved for most of my life. We dated in school but due to a serious misunderstanding we broke up. Now 30 years later after extremely painful failed marriages on both sides, we found one another again.

Within weeks after our meeting up again we were right back in love. We got engaged 3 weeks ago and started planning the wedding. It was like a dream come true and he treated me like I was a princess.

However I am noticing that he started to criticise literally everything I do. Things that attracted him to me now irritates him and what I hear from his explanations is that I am smothering him by doing most of the chores myself. I started doing this because he injured his rib and could not really do anything. Also spoiling him is my love language.

The following happened and it is confusing me:

*One day he came to pick me up after work. He didn’t greet me as usual and was in a terrible mood the entire night. We had an event to attend so we couldn’t go straight home. He was really disrespectful towards me the entire night and never even touched me until we were on our way home. I was completely blown away and I honestly didn’t know how to act. When I asked him about it he said that he was in pain from his injury, apologized and went to bed.

*The other night he asked me if I was going to take a shower and I asked him jokingly if I seemed dirty to him. He went completely off the handle saying that he asked a simple question and that he was ecpecting a simple answer. He said that I always tell him to but out when he asks me questions. Prior to this event telling each other to but out was an inside joke between us hence his reaction shocked me. After this I tried to appolohize for making him feel like he can’t ask me questions which is when he told me he wants a woman in the house and not a maid and a cook. However he asks me every night what is for dinner????

*Yesterday he complained about a painting that I had dusted previously saying that I used the wrong cleanser and that it should be cleaned with window cleaner.

*Apparently his socks didn’t match the day before because I had mistaken dark blue lines with black lines.

* I put a bag into his car to put waste in to make it easier to clean. He was upset that I did not tell him that I’m going to do that…this after he told me the week before that the house and the car was now also my house and my car and that I should stop asking permission before I do things.

He did tell me that he had never had a woman who took care of him and wanted to spoil him and that he would have to get used to it. So I am wondering if he may be feeling unworthy?

He still holds me close and tells me he loves me daily. But something is not right.

I am really confused and hurting right now. I have worked to hard to get myself to be strong and independ to let a man just trample all over me again even if I do love him so much.

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Jo

don’t stay confused too long. Listen to your intuition,
Don’t get married so quickly.
give yourself and him a lot of time to figure this out.

you owe it to both of you.

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Deb

His behaviour sounds like signs of narcissism rather than ‘just’ low self esteem – the two can be intertwined but you are describing being in the devaluing stage of the narc cycle — read up about it & pay attention to the long term damage that being/staying in that type of relationship can do ….

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Nat

Yes, definitely become well informed on all of this. I entirely agree with trusting your intuition. It is what will lead you to exploring everything and bringing you to things like this. I felt things going a very similar way to you at the end of my first year and after 3 years of being spun around, confused, exceptionally hurt – I am stepping away. Even if you cant nearly place your partner under a heading of low self-esteem or narcissism, do consider the behaviours you would like for yourself in a romantic relationship and stand firm on them. Gaining insight into how to clearly communicate with these people is very powerful and the knowledge holds your mind in a safer place.

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Jamie

I dated a man for 7 yrs ( with some break ups and re-uniting again. He definitly had low self esteem and would rage if he felt he was being done wrong by anyone. I looked at many articles and I thought it was Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But now I’m thinking it could be this. Our last breakup was bc I got very sick and couldnt be there at an event with him. He wanted to call me all the time but I could barely hold the phone. He sId I was cutting him off. He flew into a tage and said vile things about me. I’ve seen him do this with people in his family and rage all night. But then they just get over it and act as if it didnt happen. I dont want this to be my normal so after he raged on the phone and called me names I went into no contact. I love him still and cry often but dont want to be beat down. He also was very manic in always having to go out. Constantly! Come home for a minute and we’d both have to go right back out. His Mom told him once when he was raging thT he was disassociating. What disorder or problem does all of this behavior sound like to you? I know you cant diagnose but what might it be. I need to know how to crame it in my mind, or it will keep me in tears. Thank you Jamie

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learningtochill

Oh I’m pretty sure you are barking up the same tree as I am. These are all classic examples of the things me and my boyfriend have been through, plus more. Much more. He’s never tried to hurt me, at least on purpose. There’s been times he got too far out too fast and threw something or pushed me away so hard I fell in the floor. I was shocked, mortified, couldn’t believe the man I loved so incredibly much it hurt could be so cavalier and reckless with me, he loves me! Oh my heart is so beaten, it hurts, aches every other day. I’ll have the original for a day or two, then comes a trigger..and there are so many of them. Some from my actions directly, most (lately) are from being out in public or watching something emotional on television. We ALL need a support group for couples trying to overcome this together or something, this is the hardest and most cherished relationship I’ve ever been in and losing him is NOT an option. I will die before I will leave him, doesn’t matter if it’s from a broken heart or the fallout from a meltdown. Lately we’ve both been having them and that’s making it even worse. He’s agreed to go to counseling together (when he makes enough money..don’t say it..) Either way there’s only two ways this will ever end and they both end with the end of me. I try to remind him he’s accomplished so much and what a gentle soul he is inside so he’ll know I’m on HIS side but it’s hard not to take it personally up till now. Paul has opened my eyes and mind in a way I haven’t been able to on my own. I can understand now that it isn’t because he hates me but he does resent me because he thinks people just love me and hate him. He is blatant and direct and spares nothing on describing his feelings and what he’s going to do about them and for what or who. He’s never denied he had problems, much to the contrary actually. If I can get a handle on my own insecurities again, once and for all, I know I can help him. He challenged me on mine and helped me get over them, if he can do it, so can I. He thinks I want to change him but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I just want to be his peace and help him to be happy knowing life can be fulfilling again and filled with love and happiness, adventures and long vacations, because of his unique talents and abilities. He just needs to find peace and I want to help him and be that for him. He’s a wonderful man, always reaching out to people and trying to help them get a leg up. I’m redecorating our den with Asian decor and playing the Zen meditation soundtracks on youtube at night as a preliminary step. He’s yet to ask me to turn it off 🙂

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Private

Soul ties. Look it up and you’ll find information that can help you to figure out what is wrong with the relationship and situation will change when you identify the problem and learn how to work thru the solution carefully. You may want to look into some free counseling also. Sometimes you have to find out info alone b4 introducing it to your partner because it could be messy. Sometimes things are more serious than you’ll ever know until you do your research. God bless you and hope God gives you clarity and discernment to navigate through the advice and information and experiences of others to help you get the help you deserve.

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Thea

Hi. I have experienced the same before. I would suggest you to don’t contact him and move away. You cannot change him unless he want to do something with that. I tried to help my ex and ended up being so heard. Remember that those people are selfish and cannot believe that u are saying the truth. He should not know that he have you and that u will accept anything just to be with him. He do not appreciate you. At the end It is you who is going to be heard. Take care of ur self and let him Deal with his problems. If he become better one day and want u back, I am sure he will find you :).

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Lexxi

I just ended a very similar seeming situation as you describe. I tried to make it work and could see his pain but it was relentless the seeking outside attention and validation. He hit a deal breaker and I needed to look out for me.
So did you and “Mary” work it out?

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Amalie

Dude it sounds like NPD. Just because you can understand what they’re going through and what’s behind what they do it still doesn’t give them the right to treat you badly, it sounds like an abusive toxic relationship. You have to be able to see them at their worst point to be able to see if it’s really NPD and it’s not worth hanging around for that. The fact he can’t empathise with you being sick sounds narcissistic and if he wants you to be able to drop everything instantly for him quite a bit it’s not a good sign. People with NPD also have a lot of up/manic and down/depressive moments and it’s based on their ever shifting self esteem, making it feel like they’re maybe bpd/bipolar but always try to look at what’s behind what they do and say. You may have times where you feel like you want him back so badly but give yourself some time and space from him, if you start feeling lighter and better about yourself after the grieving process and a ‘decent’ amount of time then you know he’s not good for you and either way if he’s treating you that badly he probably needs to do some healing within himself in order to have a healthy relationship.

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BE

I dated a guy for a short 5 months. I met his sister, Best guy friend and best girlfriend, and parents. We got along famously. I’m independent and know where I’m going in life. I noticed subtle changes, mood swings, no communication and then the online dating thing..I ended it with him immediately bc I love who I am, value my time and although no one is perfect I’m not a fixer upper type of gal. This article is well thought out and beautifully written.

I feel good about my decision to cut ties. It confirms my intuition and discernment Vibe that I was getting from him. Thank YOU Paul for sharing in your own words. It’s powerful and well received.

Thank You 🙂

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Thea

U did the right thing. I also wanted to do the same with my ex but felt sorry because he not just have low self esteem, he also is often depressed and feels very lonely. But as u are saying we cannot fix anyone. Now it is me crying for being stupid and loving someone who didn’t appreciate me. I admire u for doing that

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rp1983

I am going through this with my wife only because I found out she’s still been liking a old friends pics on Facebook and it was a guy I caught her texting before we got married …she lied about it then so now my mind is crazy cause if she post a pic he doenst just like it he wows at it….im a handsome guy but this article sums up everything I feel about this situation…i feel inadequate vs this guy she claims is no one but I had to end my relationship with my bff who also made me her kids God dad….an honest friendship…i love the he’ll out of my wife but I’m scared cause I display all of these characteristics….though I want to forgive I just can’t let the betrayal thought go.

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Dino

Well written article that describes me pretty well, and it’s exactly why I avoid any chance of romance or sex. I feel I shouldn’t be in a relationship when I feel this way, and I wouldn’t want to bring anyone down. I definitely have the urge to connect with women for validation but then I remind myself that it would be selfish since I have no self esteem and have nothing to offer. I am genuinely convinced I’m being realistic. I have lots of debt (passed every course but still failed college as I was too anxious to get a pass on my clinical experience), live at home at 28, no job (just lost it because I had to junk my truck and a friend wrote off my car that
I still have a loan for). Oddly enough, I do believe I am a kind, outgoing person with a good personality, and good looks, but I just don’t think I deserve anyone, at least not in my current state of debt and feeling like a complete loser.

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Raylene

I’m sitting here with a guy who I had a child with during one of his reckless rebounds (I didn’t know). He’s still in love with his ex and I see him. He has severe low self esteem and prides himself only on his looks and truck. This post hits the nail on the head. Your words are how I see him and what he’s going through. I love him so much but he is narccistic and loving someone else someone I’ll never be. I wish I could help him.

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Sunny

Paul, Im so happy to of found this article. My boyfriend of 8 months fits most of the bill. I fell in love with him the moment we met; we are so much alike and feel like it is meant to be. He has so much to offer in this world and struggles to see that. We are both Aquarius’ and share a birthday and can relate to alot of his issues, but have found ways to address mine. I so very hope I can be the reason for him to pull out of his self doubt because he is worth it and so is our relationship!

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Nicole

Wow it’s like reading the pages straight from my journal. My bf of 8 years together 5 inclusive ended our relationship bcuz I caught him with using crystal meth and learned he has added infidelity to our lives surmounting the pile of issues where cheating had been the last thing I’d have suspected as this is not in his character. Although he has has rebound relationships over the years as the first couple were a pattern of on again off again. However before maybe naively I dismissed some signs that I now feel that potentionally I may have been able to make a difference in the outcome we now find ourselves in by getting him help for the mental health issues .. as i now believe it may have saved us from some of this hurt and horrific pain, anger, mistrust and the betrayal that these underlying problems created. I failed him miserably instead of being proactive I was dismissive attributing some of his quirkiness and oddities and feelings of worthlessness ,shame, self hatred and inadaquacy on his age and emotional immaturity due to the unresolved developmental milestones which had not been achieved because of an unhealthy childhood and mother/son enmeshment. Now it is far to late the damage is done and my own views and my own once highly confident and healthy sense of self has taken a nose dive into feelings of resentment hopelessness and depression. I love this man more than life.. Now all I fell is sad and pathetic.

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Spier

Nice article but to clarify – this happens to all of us and not just Alfas or Betas. There are other type of people out there aswell..but as a victim of depression from past i can agree. Just because some men are more emotional than others does not make them problem. They just care above average..they know what it is like to be hurt and do not want to hurt someone who they pretty much worship most of times. This however often is confused and stereotypicaly called for not being straight..but it is definition of being normal. I guess God has funny way to teach us value of life.

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Dawn

I wish I could have read this much sooner. I’m afraid as I read this it, everything hits so close to home. I’m so heartbroken, wishing I could have reassured my husband more, encouraged him further or recognized these patterns of low self esteem or feelings of ineptness. You would never have known, he’s an amazing athlete, extremely handsome, successful and one of those people everyone likes. He’s commonly called “a saint” or ” the perfect guy.” ( I can see the pressure now) In the past month he’s revealed how much he hates himself, how ashamed he is and how he’s always known he was never going to be able to be good for me in his eyes or be able to give me what he knew I deserved. I also in this period of time have found out about his multiple affairs and this is something no one in our lives would believe to be true of him. No one. They would think I was pulling a prank. I’m uttertly shocked and he just decided not to come home from work one day. I know he believes he can never be forgiven and that he must absolutely get away from me immediately so he can stop hurting me any further. We’ve been together 14 years, and married 8-I’m so hurt and betrayed, but ultimately, I’m very concerned about him. I am searching for guidance on how to help him or how to navigate this black hole I find myself in. Thank you so much for your words. I’m ever so grateful to have stumbled across your site this evening.

Dawn-Cbus, OH

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Tallgirl

My heart goes out to you Dawn. The low self esteem is so damaging to ones life for sure. Reading your situation I could parallel the idea that no one would believe that he was unfaithful or you. ‘ He’s such a great guy.” Well from my experience…granted we were never married which is an entirely different ball game and I do not mean to step out of line, but from what he did to you….he isn’t a “good guy”. Personally after reflecting on my experience your husband is a narcissist just like my ex-boyfriend is. Good people don’t do those things and carry on almost secret lives from those they say they love. If I am out of line I apologize but like Charity above said….these people need help and should not be able to get away with hurting others the way they do. I felt my ex was suicidal…..he even told me so….but his tactic to keep me with him was cruel. Do I believe he is mentally unstable…most certainly, however, he has no intention to get help. The narcisist that he is believes he is fine and can deal with it. He is simply looking for a new girl to do everything for him, play victim and then mess her life up. If you don’t have children together I would recommend seeking help for yourself and rebuilding your life without him. The lies will continue with him. Lying is a way of life for them. Again, hope I didn’t step out of line but after almost 4 months with no contact I can see how toxic these people are. Worry about yourself now. You need to be your number one focus.

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Jane

How do you know if the person is a narcisit or low self esteem because I am not sure what one mine is, he ticks pretty much all of the points in this article but then I have research naracisit as well and he matches some of those traits too? Thanks

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Anita

I have mixed emotions about this article. 1) I appreciate the insights but 2) it’s beyond disturbing. My ex was exactly like this. It was reading a chapter out of our past relationship playbook. I stayed with him at his lowest which was when he lost his job; was his cheerleader, made sacrifices, completely lost myself in trying to help him find himself. After reading your article, I felt nauseated and sick to stomach, but not in a negative way but in a way where someone slapped me and I finally woke up. Granted I’m still getting over him, but article but it in perspective for me. Makes me want to reconsider why I would even want to put myself in that type of predicament again.

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Jenny

I am living it now and wonder if we will survive. I am curious did you leave him or did he end it. Part of my biggest fear is staying in it for the long haul just for him to get better and then move on. I don’t want to be his transition crutch. I hope he loves me as much as I love him – but I don’t know. We have been together a year. How did you get through it?

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Anita

Unfortunately the toll and negativity of the situation was too much. I had to end things because I had no other recourse. He no longer was the man I fell in love with and it was so difficult for me to finally accept that.

And when you do, you’ll have to muster up all your strength because it’s going to be really ugly before it gets better. And when it does, it’ll be worth every tear you’ve cried because you’re finally putting by yourself first first. DONT lose sight of yourself because you deserve to be loved.

One thing I walked away with was that people hardly ever change for the better. And preparing for the the long haul with that idea in your head will make it a million times worse.

Best of luck to you.

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Charity

I appreciate this article because my fiance of 8 months broke up with me about a month ago. Every time I started mentioning something concrete about our upcoming wedding, he would become negative. It hurt me badly and when I mentioned any negative behavior that I didn’t like, he got angry, defensive, etc. threatening to break up with me and then he did even though he said that no one was leaving and that he’d always be there. He also became controlling. He also cried in my arms many times about his stuff. He did try to comfort me about some of the things I was going through with work etc. to his credit, but towards the end of our relationship, he drew farther and farther apart. He is a chronic worrier and it seemed to be worse with him sleeping for 12 hours a day and not feeling rested. I am concerned about his mental health. I’m also concerned that this isn’t the only guy I’ve dated that has so little self-esteem. This one I thought was different for a change because he seemed happy and for the most part positive during our first few months dating. But when he went to live with his aunt, the game changed and he became more and more sullen. I feel like he is codependent as well with his aunt. Why can’t there be some sort of training for people to go to who have low self-esteem so they don’t go around hurting other people.

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Anne

I think I loved a man like this. I couldn’t hold onto him no matter how much I told him I loved him, and what I loved about him. He kept changing his mind about “being in love”. In the end I had to walk away. I can’t help but wish he would come after me. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done and I miss him every day, but it was nothing but heartache.

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April

What do you do when a man’s insecurities turn into him being too controlling in the relationship? What are some of the warning signs?

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Karen Young

When you feel as though you have less freedom to decide what you do, who you spend time with, when you feel as though your feelings or opinions are shut down, when you feel you are not free to disagree, or if he controls money and decides how much you can have or what you can spend it in – these are some of the signs that your relationship is becoming unhealthy.

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LR

My partner and I left our spouses for each other 15 months ago. 3 months ago my partner sank into a depression and has been suffering from terrible guilt, self loathing and regret. I encouraged him to seek counselling to address these issues and to try and recover from the trauma of his separation. He also has long-standing issues with his parents he has to address. He has asked me for space to go through this process. He says he cannot give me what I need while he hates himself so much. He misses his kids so much and obviously I cannot replace them – it’s not my role anyway. Anyway, suffice to say I am devastated. We believed we were soul mates – I still believe we are. I am using this time to get my own therapy to address the breakdown of my own marriage and to work out whom I am too. I can only hope that my partner and I will be reunited again when the time is right. He used to say he wished he had met me before he got married. I told him recently I wished we hadn’t met yet! I hope we will get there…we were perfect when he was healthy. He admits to being broken now. I hope his counselling will help him see that it’s ok to leave an unhapoy marriage and that he can still have a great relationship with his children – and me!

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Anne

This is so sad. He is out of the high of the fantasy where everything feels good and right. Now he is experiencing the reality of the wake he left behind. A broken relationship, broken hearts, suffering and scars of his family that may or may never mend. A marriage is never happy when there is a third party involved. How could it be? When all is said and done, he longs for the family he had. That is a familarity in his heart that you cant replace. That is why he is depressed. Perhaps his heart misses his real soul mate. Let him go mend his family and be whole again.

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LR

Hi Ann, you are probably right on many counts. However I believe it is too easy to say a marriage cannot be happy if there is a third party…as if the third party is to blame. What if there was deep unhappiness before he ever met me…years of it? And what of my marriage before I met him. It’s complex and one should be wary of jumping to conclusions. Obviously I don’t expect you to know the ins and outs of our story but affairs often happen for a reason. Anyway, I am respecting his request for space – it’s been 7 weeks – and am assuming he may never come back to me. That said, I do not expect him to reunite with his ex either nor me with mine. Only time will tell. Thanks.

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Sherry

His last marriage probably failed because of his deep issues that have come to the forefront in your relationship with him. He probably thought the void within him was his ex wife’s fault and instead of self reflecting he placed blame on her. In his head you were everything he was lacking in his life and the excitement of having an affair then leaving his family for you would of been like his prayers have been answered and the void within him was filled. But then the honeymoon stage ends and reality sets in again. The void is not filled like it was and his thoughts return to how they were before. He will be constantly searching for someone or something to take away his inner turmoil and unless he can look inside himself and work on his issues he will forever be in this cycle. The hurt and devastation these kind of people cause is horrific. I spent 21 years trying to help my ex husband and in the process he destroyed me to the point I was just a shell of the person I used to be. It has affected out oldest child tremendously which I blame myself for not leaving sooner. He is in a relationship with the woman he had an affair with and I know it’s only a matter of time before his issues will return. I feel for her because I wouldn’t wish what he did to our family on anyone. You can’t help men like this, they only care about their own wants and needs. You can’t fix them, you can’t make them better and if you always have to prove your worth to them then please wake up. Walk away before they destroy you.

Reply
Nicole

Hi Paul – this confession fits my relationship to a tee. I’ve always known and I know my guy is aware of his problem too. I just had a question from your point of you about “Mary” and your process after your relationship ended.

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nina

I literally nodded on almost every numbers. This guy whom I grow to love at have recently and one-sidedly decided to stop our relationship for what previously appeared to me as the most ridiculous reason: he hates himself and feel I don’t deserve to be with the awful person he is (which for me, he is a beautiful soul). He doesn’t want to hurt me and by stopping our relationship, he thinks he does the right thing. No matter how I reasoned with him and argued that this decision is the only thing that could hurt me instead, his stubbornness won. It’s unexpectedly difficult to penetrate his mind and get to that hurtful soul to offer help. I almost give up but reading this, I grew hope. I want to help him, and I realised I haven’t done a lot to make a final decision. Thank you for helping me understand his mind better. Bless you and your kind soul.

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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