Anxiety is a normal response to something dangerous or stressful. It becomes a problem when it shows up at unexpected times and takes a particularly firm hold. When anxiety is in full swing, it feels awful. Awful enough that anticipation of the feeling is enough in itself to cause anxiety. Anxiety in kids can be especially confusing , not only for the ones who are feeling anxious, but also for the adults who care about them.
We already know that anxiety has nothing to do with strength, courage or character. It picks a target and it switches on.
When that target is a child or teen, it can be particularly distressing, causing problems with sleeping, eating and missed school from unexplained illnesses such as sick tummies or headaches.
One of the worst things about anxiety in kids is the way it can happen without any identifiable cause. The physical feeling is familiar – that panicked feeling that comes when you miss a stair or as my daughter recently described, ‘that feeling you get when you’re almost asleep and you feel like you’re falling.’ (‘Yes, we’ve dealt with it in our home too. It’s under control now, so I can assure you this works.)
The good news is that anxiety in kids is very treatable and they are particularly responsive. I often think we don’t give them enough credit. They’re so open to possibility, and very quick to make the right connections when they’re given the right information and support. As the adult in their lives, you’re the perfect one to give it.
Anxiety in Kids and Teens: Turning it Around
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Don’t talk them out of it.
As a parent, the temptation is to reassure your child with gentle comments in the way of, ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ or ‘You’ll be fine‘.
This comes from the purest of intentions but it runs the risk of them feeling as though there’s something wrong with them. The truth is that when anxiety has a hold of them, they can no sooner stop worrying than fly to the moon. As much as they want to believe you, their brains just won’t let them.
What they need to hear is that you get it. Ask them what it feels like for them. They may or may not be able to articulate – and that’s okay. Then, ask if it’s ‘like that feeling you get when you miss a stair,’ (or ‘that feeling you get when you feel like you’re falling in your sleep’). Often, this in itself is such a relief because ‘someone gets it.’
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Normalise.
Explain that:
•. Anxiety is normal and everyone experiences anxiety at some time in their life – before an exam, when meeting new people, going for an interview or starting at a new school.
• Sometimes it happens for no reason at all. That’s also normal. It happens to lots of adults and lots of kids but there are things you can do to make it go away.
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Explain why anxiety feels like it does.
Out of everything, this is perhaps the most powerful intervention for anyone with anxiety. Anxiety in kids causes the most problems when it seems to come on without any real trigger. There’s a reason for this, and understanding the reason is key to managing the anxiety.
Here is a child-friendly explanation. I’ve used it for a variety of ages, but nobody knows your child like you do so adjust it to suit.
‘Anxiety is something that lots of people get but it feels different for everyone. Anxiety in kids is common, and lots of adults get it too. It happens because there’s a part of your brain that thinks there’s something it needs to protect you from. The part of the brain is called the amygdala. It’s not very big and it’s shaped like an almond.
It switches on when it thinks you’re in danger, so really it’s like your own fierce warrior, there to protect you. It’s job is to get you ready to run away from the danger or fight it. People call this ‘fight or flight’.
If your amygdala thinks there’s trouble, it will immediately give your body what it needs to be strong, fast and powerful. It will flood your body with oxygen, hormones and adrenaline that your body can use as fuel to power your muscles to run away or fight. It does this without even thinking. This happens so quickly and so automatically. The amygdala doesn’t take time to check anything out. It’s a doer not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought.
If there is something dangerous – a wild dog you need to run away from, a fall you need to steady yourself from – then the amygdala is brilliant. Sometimes though, the amygdala thinks there’s a threat and fuels you up even though there’s actually nothing dangerous there at all.
Have you ever made toast that has got a bit burnt and set off the fire alarm? The fire alarm can’t tell the difference between smoke from a fire and smoke from burnt toast – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is let you know so you can get out of there. The amygdala works the same way. It can’t tell the difference between something that might hurt you, like a wild dog, and something that won’t, like being at a new school. Sometimes the amygdala just switches on before you even know what it’s switching on for. It’s always working hard to protect you – even when you don’t need protecting. It’s a doer not a thinker, remember, and this is how it keeps you safe.
If you don’t need to run away or fight for your life, there’s nothing to burn all that fuel – the oxygen, hormones and adrenalin – that the amygdala has flooded you with. It builds up and that’s the reason you feel like you do when you have anxiety. It’s like if you just keep pouring petrol into a car and never take the car for a drive.
So when the amygdala senses a threat it floods your body with oxygen, adrenaline and hormones that your body can use to fuel its fight or flight. When this happens:
♦ Your breathing changes from normal slow deep breaths to fast little breaths. Your body does this because your brain has told it to stop using up the oxygen for strong breaths and send it to the muscles to they can run or fight.
When this happens you might feel puffed or a bit breathless. You also might feel the blood rush to your face and your face become warm.
♦ If you don’t fight or flee, the oxygen builds up and the carbon dioxide drops.
This can make you feel dizzy or a bit confused.
♦ Your heart beats faster to get the oxygen around the body.
Your heart can feel like it’s racing and you might feel sick.
♦ Fuel gets sent to your arms (in case they need to fight) and your legs (in case they need to flee).
Your arms and legs might tense up or your muscles might feel tight.
♦ Your body cools itself down (by sweating) so it doesn’t overheat if it has to fight or flee
You might feel a bit sweaty.
♦ Your digestive system – the part of the body that gets the nutrients from the food you eat – shuts down so that the fuel it was using to digest your food can be used by your arms and legs in case you have to fight or flee. (Don’t worry though – it won’t stay shut down for long.)
You might feel like you have butterflies in your tummy. You might also feel sick, as though you’re going to vomit, and your mouth might feel a bit dry.
As you can see, there are very real reasons for your body feeling the way it does when you have anxiety. It’s all because your amygdala – that fierce warrior part of your brain – is trying to protect you by getting your body ready to fight or flee. Problem is – there’s nothing to fight or flee. Don’t worry though, there are things we can do about this.’
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Explain how common anxiety in kids is.
Anxiety in kids is common. About 1 in 8 kids have struggled with anxiety – so let them know that in their class, there’s a good chance that 3 or 4 other kids would know exactly what they’re going through because they’ve been through it before. Maybe they’re going through it right now.
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Give it a name.
‘Now that you understand that your anxiety feelings come from the ‘heroic warrior’ part of your brain, let’s give it a name.’ Let your child pick the name and ask them what they think of when they picture it. This will help them to feel as though something else is the problem, not them. It also demystifies their anxiety. Rather than it being a nameless, faceless ‘thing’ that gets in their way, it’s something contained – with a name and a look.
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Now get them into position.
‘The problem with anxiety is that [whatever their ‘heroic warrior’ is called – for the moment, let’s say, ‘Zep’] Zep is calling all the shots but we know that you’re really the boss. Zep actually thinks it’s protecting you, so what you need to do is let it know that you’ve got this and that it can relax. When you get those anxious feelings, that means Zep is taking over and getting ready to keep you safe. It doesn’t think about it at all – it just jumps in and goes for it. What you need to do is to let it know that you’re okay.
The most powerful thing you can do to make yourself the boss of your brain again is breathe. It sounds so simple – and it is. Part of the reason you feel as you do is because your breathing has gone from strong and slow and deep to quick and shallow. That type of breathing changes the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your body. Once your breathing is under control, Zep will stop thinking he has to protect you and he’ll settle back down. Then, really quickly after that, you’ll stop feeling the way you do.’
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And breathe.
Breathe deeply and slowly. Hold your breath just for a second between breathing in and breathing out. Make sure the breath is going right down into your belly – not just into your chest. You can tell because your belly will be moving. Do this about 5 to 10 times.
Practice before bed every day. Remember that Zep, the warrior part of your brain, has been protecting you for your entire life so it might take a little bit of practice to convince Zep to relax. But keep practicing and you’ll be really good at it in no time. You and that warrior part of your brain will be buddies – but with you in control.One way to practice is by putting a soft toy on your child’s belly when they lie down. If the toy is moving up and down, their breathing is perfect.
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Practice mindfulness.
An abundance of scientific research has demonstrated the profound effects of mindfulness. MRI studies have shown that practicing mindfulness increases the density of gray matter in the brain, providing relief and protection from stress, anxiety and depression. See here for more information.
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be complicated. Essentially, it’s being aware of the present moment, and there are plenty of fun ways introduce children to mindfulness.
Start by explaining that anxiety comes about because of worry about the future and what might happen. Sometimes these thoughts happen in the background – we don’t even know they’re there. Mindfulness helps you to have control over your brain so you can stop it from worrying about things it doesn’t need to. It trains your brain to stay in the here and now. The brain is like a muscle and the more you exercise it the stronger it gets.
It sounds easy enough but minds quite like to wander so staying in the moment can take some practice. Here’s the how:
- Close your eyes and notice your breathing. How does the air feel as you draw it inside you? Notice the sensation of the air, or your belly rising and falling. Notice your heart beating. If your mind starts to wander, come back to this.
- Now, what can you hear? What can you feel outside of you and inside your body? If your mind starts to wander, focus on your breathing again.
Remember that anxiety in kids is very treatable but it might take time. Explain to your child that his or her very clever and very protective brain might need some convincing that just because it thinks there’s trouble coming, doesn’t mean there is. Keep practising and they’ll get there.
A Book for Kids About Anxiety …
‘Hey Warrior’ is a book for children to help them understand anxiety and to find their ‘brave’. It explains why anxiety feels the way it does, and it will teach them how they can ‘be the boss of their brain’ during anxiety, to feel calm. It’s not always enough to tell kids what to do – they need to understand why it works. Hey Warrior does this, giving explanations in a fun, simple, way that helps things make sense in a, ‘Oh so that’s how that works!’ kind of way, alongside gorgeous illustrations. (See here for the trailer.)
I’m twenty years old and have been dealing with anxiety (night terrors, panic attacks) since I was five years old. This article, though for kids, has really helped me in reading it. My niece is starting to tell me things that sound terrifyingly familiar. I will share this with her, and maybe she won’t feel the way I have for so long. Thank you for posting in such an easy to understand way.
You’re very welcome. There have been a huge number of adults who have used this article to understand their own anxiety – which is wonderful. Anxiety is such a complex thing, but it doesn’t have to be explained in a complex way. When people have the right information, they do amazing things with it. It’s wonderful that you want to share this with your niece. You will have great insight that will help her because of your own experience with anxiety. She’s lucky to have you.
My 3 year old toddler has had a rough year or so. He went from being a happy 1 year old who would leave our church pew to go up through the aisle stopping to hug the ladies at each pew to a 2/3 year old who started thumb sucking, who doesn’t like to be looked at or spoken to if not in the right mood, called the wrong adjective (cute instead of awesome), screams all the time at small stuff and, worst of all, has a terrible time falling asleep and staying asleep unless he is snuggling with another human. He is petrified of sleeping alone. If he wakes up due to bathroom urges, he screams bloody murder and will run all the way down the stairs to get to me while trying not to pee his pants. Because he is a toddler, it is hard to know how much of his behavior is toddler behavior that needs discipline vs anxiety that needs understanding like you wrote about. I’m sure that it dIwant help to I had baby sis when he was only 18 mo old ( though he was happy and fine til perhaps 2 1/2) and the fact that his 8 year old brother has some kind of Intermittent Explosive Disorder and I have been under lots of stress because of it. I would love to read your article specifically for little ones. I have not taken him to therapy yet, but am strongly considering it, even though it is all out of pocket for us. Thanks for your insights and for a place for others to comment and share experiences.
Your little man sounds like he is having a hard time of it. It’s so hard when you know they’re struggling with something isn’t it. I’m certainly working on the post for dealing with anxiety in very young people and I’m also working on one about sleep and nightmares and pulling together some things to do backed with really interesting research. Should have them in the next couple of weeks or so. I love that other people are commenting and sharing their experiences. It’s been unexpected and wonderful and important. Thanks for sharing you story. I really hope I can come up with something that will help you.
Thank you so much for the article. Any specific tips or strategies if the anxiety is the fear of a wild dog or any dog!? My 9 yr old daughter is terrified of dogs without having any bad experiences with dogs. She ran across a busy road on Halloween due to a panic attack after seeing a dog off a lead. She has also started getting anxiety about the thought of going to friends or relatives places that she knows have a dog. Would love any suggestions as feel she is missing out in her life due to her anxiety.
Oh no! I’ve had a few people ask specifically about phobias. There are quite a few things you can do and phobias do respond really well. I’m going to write a post in the next couple of weeks about it. Can you leave it with me? Teach her the fight or flight information because it’s being triggered with full force when your daughter sees a dog. Your daughter is now associating dogs with that panic feeling and it’s happening automatically. She sees a dog and immediately anticipates the awful physical feelings that come with anxiety. Explain the process that’s in the article so she can separate. It’s not the dogs that causes those feelings it’s the fight or flight response, but it’s ‘tricking’ (that’s probably not the right word but I’m at a loss for another one at the moment but do you get the idea) her into thinking it’s about dogs. Pull it apart for her – I think that will help and hang tight for the post. That will have more things you can do. Hope that helps.
Thanks so much. Makes total sense and will try that. Really looking forward to that next post!
Thank you so much for this article – I have 4 daughters – the eldest 2 are at school and although they have very different personalities they both have experienced anxiety for different reasons. This was a fabulous explanation that suited both of them.
But…more importantly I recognised the symptoms in me. I never would have suggested that I was an anxious person but clearly I have areas that I can benefit from the breathing too.
Knowledge is power and our family is that little more powerful now…..thank you again for sharing such wonderful knowledge x x
You’re very welcome. I’m so pleased the information found it’s way to you. Your daughters are so lucky to have you.
Hello! Great article. I have daughters who all have levels of anxiety. My 9 year old, however, has some severe eating anxieties and all the tools I have learned from my other daughters are not working. Do you have any articles on how to deal with eating anxieties? Its getting to a point where her nutrition is affecting her health. Thanks!
I don’t have any articles just about eating anxieties. Is it more like a phobia? An aversion to food? Or a fear of swallowing? Without knowing all the details, it sounds like something that might respond really well to counselling. A counsellor would be able to identify what’s behind your daughter’s anxiety around food and respond to that. It sounds like it’s irrational but in her mind, there’s a really good reason. It’s just that we don’t understand what that reason is. Your daughter might not either – and that’s okay. They can still work with it. A counsellor will work to replace her bad feelings around food with good ones. They’ll do it slowly and systematically. It’s a process called systematic desensitisation and it’s incredibly effective. I hope this helps.
I don’t understand why you would tell your child that what is happening to them is normal when it is occuring because of an abnormal brain response. I’ts always been much more helpful for me to KNOW that it is not normal and that it WILL pass, and I will feel better in a little while. I don’t think its helpful to ignore that something is medically wrong/abnormal about that brain response. Sure everyone gets anxious from one time to another, but normally with some kind of explaination; and not normally to the debilitating extent a person with a ligitimate diagnosed anziety disorder might be experianing. It have a hard time believing that pretending there is no problem would help anyone.
The fight or flight response is a very normal response. In the same way that some people are more sensitive to bruising, some people are more sensitive to the fight or flight response being activated. But that doesn’t mean that the bruising is an abnormal response to being knocked by something. What happens with anxiety is that you become ‘anxious about being anxious’, which means the fight or flight is triggered by the anticipation of being anxious. The anticipation of anxiety is real and the way the brain responds to that is normal. That’s the explanation. Nobody is suggesting anyone is pretending there is no problem. Ask anyone with anxiety and they’ll tell you what a problem it is. Same with anyone who loves someone with anxiety. Understanding why the brain reacts as it does is very empowering and can help with the anxiety about being anxious. If it helps you to think of it as something that’s not normal, then I wouldn’t discourage that for you at all. Whatever works for you. I hope this helps you understand a bit better. I’m grateful to you for taking the time to comment. If you’re wondering this, other people might be wondering the same thing. Anything that gets us talking about it is a good thing.
Having dealt with anxiety since childhood myself, I deeply appreciate your insight in this article. As a professional I’ve worked with children, families and teachers to help them support the development of coping strategies (such as “square breathing” ; – > ). My concern is the number of children I feel are misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD and medicated with stimulants. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh I couldn’t agree more! ADHD is one of the most over diagnosed disorders because the symptoms can look like other disorders but there hasn’t been any definitive way to diagnose ADHD. There is some new research that has found ADHD can be diagnosed with eye tracking. It’s a foolproof way to diagnose because it uses physical markers, not subjective ones. This would completely put an end to misdiagnosis. Would be fascinating to see how the rates of ADHD drop. I’ll publish the article this week. It’s a promising one.
Thank you for sharing this. :o)
We are now on the other side of a 3 year struggle with our little girl who showed serious signs of anxiety at the age of 4 until last summer when she turned 7. We practiced a lot of the techniques you list here.
We also found a book, which was an amazing resource for our whole family, that I highly recommend to anyone who needs it called “What to do when you worry too much” it’s a kids workbook that you can go though as a family, I believe amazon stocks it.
We had counselling and all kinds of intervention through the school but at the end of the day, it was hard work on our part as a family that finally gave us all the confidence we needed to understand and work through. I’m sure that we’ll need to practice these methods in the future, but for now, we have a confident happy girl (and mummy) who can tell the signs of anxiety and know how to calm them. :O)
I hope this article helps many others who need it.
Thank you for sharing this! It’s great that people – like you – are also sharing other things that have worked. There’s no one size fits all with anxiety and the more information we can have about things that have helped, the more things people can try with their own kids. Great to hear your through the struggle yourself.
Great article, we’re just on the other side of dealing with separation anxiety with my 10 year old, been going on over a year but thankfully soo much better. Always mindful that it can start again and great to read over the tips.
Separation anxiety can be so awful for kids. It’s great to hear that you’re through it. Thank you for sharing that – it will help a lot of people to hear from someone who’s been there and got through.
My son suffers from anxiety and this article will really help. I think its also important to recognise if there is a cause such as the way we parent, arguing in front of our children, and other factors like divorce and bullying at school.
Absolutely. Well said. Sometimes the fight or flight response is responding to something real and things need to be done to minimise the effect of those things on our kids. Some things are unavoidable, like divorce, but even within those things, steps can be taken to minimise the impact. Thank you for sharing this. I hope your son is able to find some relief.
Thank you for the article. My 16 year old has ADD and suffers from anxiety often. It is sometimes hard to explain or discuss with her because so many times as a parent, your first instinct is to tell them, its not that serious you will be fine.
Thank for your insight and helpful hints, I will be trying this approach starting today. Hopefully it will work as you say and help her feel more normal about her feeling.s
You’re welcome! Absolutely – I know what you mean about that first instinct. The thing is, there would be situations (that don’t involve anxiety) where saying ‘you’ll be fine’ would be the right thing to say. That’s the thing about being a parent – it’s never black and white! I’m so pleased you’re trying it with your daughter. I hope she is able to find some comfort. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
This is a breath of fresh air! To finally read an article written by someone who knows what they’re talking about is wonderful! I suffered with severe anxiety from the age of 11/12 after starting high school. It was that bad that I was unable to attend school and therefore never recieved a proper education or any GCSE’s. I used to see a psychologist and an educational welfare officer who were all great but I felt no one ever really understood. At the start the school nurse was put in charge of me and I can still remember her physically dragging me to school! Which obviously only made the anxiety worse! The psychologist etc named it school phobia. I can remember trying to explain to people that I had ‘school phobia’ when asked why I wasn’t at school, and always used to get the reply ‘you mean it skiving!’. I used to find this so frustrating! I felt like saying to them ‘I haven’t chose to be this way! As if I would choose to have no education and no friends!’ They had no idea how awful the anxiety attacks felt! If they did they would never say such things. But then I guess that’s not they’re fault as it is hard to understand, which is why I’m so glad that people are becoming more aware of it. I am 27 now with a job and 2 beautiful children. I have been able to achieve my hairdressing qualifications and have recently been working towards an English and maths qualification, something I was told I would never achieve when I was at high school! I’d like to say the anxiety attacks are a distant memory now but they do sometimes still rear their ugly head but I have learnt to control them over the years and sometimes they are a reminder of how far I’ve actually come regardless of them! So I’d like to say thankyou for understanding and for offering some excellent advice to others who may be experiencing the same thing! Xxx
How awful the way you were treated! Thankfully we’ve come a bit of a way since then but we still have a bit of a way to go with making sure anxiety is always treated as it is. You’ve done so well and you have so much insight into anxiety. Your story will give hope to so many people that you can come out through the other side of anxiety and flourish, as you have. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Thank you for sharing!
Great article. My 10 year old son suffers from anxiety and has done for about 18 months.
He is getting a lot better now after some CBT and when that wasn’t helping that much, a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy, which is doing the trick. Even he says ‘I don’t feel so anxious anymore’, and it’s really obvious to me. I am also trying to be much gentler with him re discipline (I see you are going to post an article soon on this). Not let him get away with stuff, just explain why I want him to do x, y or z or (not) and we usually come to a compromise (or I give him a 5 minute warning to come off screen).
You’re doing a great job. I will be posting an article soon on disciplining an anxious child so stay tuned! I’m so pleased to hear that your son is a lot better now. Thank you for taking the time to share your story.
An absolute great tool for managing anxiety is by tapping on a few accupressure points, as illustrated here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1efrIBI9BY.
Another video clip on tapping shows that we are programmed to self-soothe when stressed, so with tapping we stimulate those self-soothing points (‘magic buttons’) on purpose for relief: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ml54upTRz74.
Kids learn this valuable life skill easily. When used as a therapeutic tool, certain words and reframes are used. However, by just tapping (or rubbing) on the pressure points around the face, body and/or hands while taking deep breaths, anxiety is quickly relieved – and this empowers the child to be in control and take responsibility for managing their own stress. Highly recommended.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for explaining anxiety so easily for a child to understand. I read it directly to my 9 year old daughter who has been recently diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and she seemed to finally understand some of the physical stress she has been feeling. I am baffled about her case though because it seems so different than the anxiety I keep reading and hearing about from most people. Her attacks happen without any warning and her entire body from the neck down starts twitching and jerking all over the place. She doesn’t have any control over it and the duration and frequency of the attacks happen without a common thread… at school, home, church, in the car. So far all of the tests done on her show she is physically well so doctors assume it is anxiety. She’s always been a self motivated, high achiever and wants to please everyone and just have everyone be happy. She loves going places, socializing, friends, laughing, being active, and having fun, but she has never showed obvious signs of increasing anxiety until October when her heart started pounding at random times. (I didn’t even imagine it was anxiety then. I thought she was having heart problems.) Then one day 4 weeks ago, BAM, she is having severe pain everywhere and her body is jerking and twitching . We have seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist a few times now and neither of them have given her any mental tools to help her through the attacks so far. We have been told that she just needs to sit with a good book and get through it on her own. Don’t give the attacks any attention. That’s a bit difficult when she can’t even hold the book!!!! Anyway, I could go on and on, but we are so confused and are reaching out to any and everyone about any thoughts or ideas. She tried working through her attack today with exercise to burn off “the fuel”. She said she liked it much better than just sitting and waiting it out. It’s just a bit tricky when she is at school and is doing anything she can to work up a sweat in a small room. My heart aches sending her to school to do this on her own. We are still constantly searching for new ways, ideas, doctors to help her. Thanks so much for you insight and all of the comments!
I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. It’s great that you’ve ruled out anything physical – that’s important. So – if doctors have confirmed to be anxiety and not anything else, let’s go with that, because it does sound like an anxious response. The thing about anxiety is that you don’t have any control over the duration or the timing – it just happens and that can be one of he most distressing things about it. A lot of people who have anxiety are high achievers and care about what other people are thinking and feeling – hey really care about putting the best of themselves forward. Physical activity is the natural end to the fight or flight response, so sitting down (if that can be avoided) isn’t the best way to go. It just means that the adrenaline and cortisol build up and have nowhere to go. The problem is that exercising isn’t always an option. There is where the breathing comes in. Deep breathing reverses the physical changes that happen in response to the fight or flight response being triggered – there’s a physical basis to why it works. It takes practice to be able to do this when you’re in the middle of an anxiety attack. Because of this, it’s important to practice during calm times, so it’s there when your daughter needs it. It’s like any skill – it takes time and practice to master. If psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors have ruled out any other physical cause for the jerking and twitching and are suggesting it’s anxiety, it may be that the surge of cortisol through her body is an intense one. If your daughter can do some sort of regular exercise, that would be great. There’s so much research that confirms the benefit of exercise for anxiety (and mental health generally). Also, practice the breathing so she can use that at school to reverse the fight or flight response. I’m so pleased you explained the physical basis to her. I hope this helps and that your daughter is able to find some relief soon. You’re doing all the right things.
Thank you so much for this. I wish I had this a month ago. My five year old woke up one night with severe anxiety about foes. He could not stop shaking and was even shaking in his sleep when I went to lie down with him. It took us two weeks to convince him there wasn’t going to be a fire in our home. We showed him the fire alarm, set them off, lit candles which he insisted we turn off, explained how for men worked. We have finally gotten over the fires and now we are on to the 101 questions about earthquakes, which btw is my severe anxiety topic! I’ll definitely be using these tricks.
You’re so welcome. Oh your little man! He really things about thinks doesn’t he. Your response was perfect – whatever you can do to reassure him. I’m so pleased you found the information – I really think it will make a difference for him. Thank you for making contact.
I know anxiety very well and have a 10year old daughter who has been struggling with anxiety since I can remember. I run daily and it is amazing what it does for anxiety. She has started to run / walk a bit as well and will now tell me when she feels the anxiety that she needs to go for a walk or run to feel better. During last year we also had a yoga teacher come to the house once a week to do half an hour of yoga with her teaching breathing etc. It has made a huge difference! Thank you for a wonderful article.
It’s great that you’re doing this! Exercise is so important for mental health and the research on this just keeps coming. It makes a difference for anxiety because it’s the natural end to to the fight or flight response. The whole purpose of the fight or flight response is to get you ready to move (fight or flight) and when your daughter walks or runs, it’s physically reversing that response. I know for myself, if I don’t do something at least a few times a week, I really start to feel it. I know the physical benefits are wonderful but honestly, the main thing that gets me exercising (because honestly, it’s never my first option for something to do!) is because of what it does for my mood and my mental health. And yoga for deep breathing – perfect! I’m so pleased you enjoyed the article. Thank you for taking the time to share the information.
I’m so glad I stumbled across this article tonight. My daughter, 13, has suffered from anxiety for years and most recently, full blown panic attacks. It started out with her repeatedly asking me “what if” questions..”what if you’re not there to pick me up? What if I’m supposed to ride the bus?” are just a few examples that she would ask me every single day. It’s progressed into almost daily anxiety attacks that lead to headaches, feeling like she is going to pass out, numb extremities, and once, during a very intense attack, a tongue that was numb and caused her to speak with an impediment. She constantly tells me she cannot breath, is constantly clearing her throat, or making a coughing type noise that I believe is more of a nervous habit. Am I right? Do I ignore it, or make her aware? I’ve done both, and I’m not sure what is the correct response. I’m hoping to try the techniques you gave, but am unsure that she will be able to hear me or think clearly. Usually in the middle of an anxiety attack, she does not want to talk about anything because it “gives her more anxiety to talk about it.” What would you suggest in this case? My thoughts are that maybe I should read this article to her, and talk to her about all the specifics and how she can do these things, at a time when there is very low anxiety. Then, maybe when she is in the middle of a panic attack, I could just gently whisper a word, like “breath” or something that maybe she and I could agree upon to trigger her to start these steps. I don’t know, I’m just at a loss as to how best to help her. Hoping these things will give her some relief. Thank you so much!
It’s really important to have the conversation with your daughter when she’s not in the midst of an anxiety attack. You can’t learn to swim in a stormy sea, so any of the explanation has to happen when she is calm. It’s also important to practice the skills outside an anxiety attack, so she’s ready and able when the anxiety comes. The mindfulness exercises will really help too, because her anxiety is from worrying about the future – mindfulness trains your brain to come back to the present. It may take but stick with it and it will make a difference. If you feel like her anxiety is really severe and getting in the way of her day to day life, counselling might also be an option. Thank you for making contact. I hope the information is able to help your daughter – I’m sure it will make a difference.
This is one of the very best imagery I’ve ever read to help explain this to others!
As someone who has had panic attacks since about the age of 5, but didn’t know what they were until I got to my abnormal psych class, I really appreciate your advocacy efforts.
I also try to emphasize the positive nature of our systems trying to protect us. I use an asset based approach in my psychology philosophy and appreciate that you have done that here.
If it isn’t already out there, I think this would make a lovely illustrated children’s picture book!!!! Smoke alarms, barking dogs…
I would love to see the children’s book use the latest data to explain the biological nature of panic attacks, that it is not a weakness or primarily a learned behavior that is modeled, and how the neural pathways can “get stuck into a groove” so that with or without triggers it can happen. (though try explaining that to much of our population that has never seen a record. lol.
Thank you! Have had a few people ask about a book so am working on that one. I agree that it’s helpful to understand the way our body works for us, not against us – it’s much more empowering isn’t it.
Wonderful article! I’m hoping it will help my 7 year old who suffers from selective mutism. So far, we haven’t been able to find a therapist who specializes in SM so I have felt lost as to how to help her. In addition to the SM, her anxiety causes tummy aches, pain in her legs and sometimes crying.
I’m so pleased this article has found it’s way to you. Research has found that SM seems to be linked to an overactive amygdala. That means that whenever the fight or flight response is activated, for your daughter one of the things it does is to shut down her speech. Tummy aches and sore limbs also happen when the fight or flight is triggered (as explained in the article). I think it’s great that you’re going to share the information with her – I think it could really help. It must be awful for her to have this happen and not understand why. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I hope your daughter is able to find some relief soon.
Thank you so much will be trying this asap.
Oh this has come to me via a friend and at a perfect time as we have just been to see a doctor who is sending us to a child psychologist for help with our 10 year old daughter who has always had the worries since 3 and now more and more things make her anxious. Change of routine if not explained prior can be a disastrous situation.
You’re welcome! I’m so pleased you’re going to try this. I really think it will help. A child psychologist will be a great support for your daughter. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me.
I found this article interesting! I am glad my friend posted this to her Facebook page. I have been wondering if my 7 year old daughter has been dealing with anxiety for the past month or so. Every Sunday she seems to fall ill and throws up most of the day into the early morning. I can only wonder if she is anxious about going to school. She has expressed to me that one child in her class has been bugging her and her teacher yells at her sometimes and this upsets her. She does not want to go to school and this is coming from a girl who loves school and cries over holidays when school is closed!
I am taking my daughter to the doctor to see if there might by any health issues that we need to deal with.
I find my daughter bottles some things that she is worried about telling me as she feels I might get mad. I always express to her that we need to be open about everything and to be honest. I find she worries about everything.
Thanks again foe this article and am looking forward to my daughter’s doctors appointment tomorrow.
You’re welcome. I’m so pleased you found the article. It’s a really good idea that your taking your daughter to the doctor to rule out any other health issues. The clue for me is that it happens every Sunday. Your doctor will also get a clearer picture by talking with you about it and based on that, should also be able to confirm whether or not it’s anxiety. Her classroom sounds a little bit stressful for her at the moment, at least in her eyes, which is what’s important. If she’s someone who bottles things up and isn’t as likely to talk about it, that’s okay – there are other things you can try so that the worry isn’t eating away at her. One is to have her write it down or draw the worry on a piece of paper, then tear the paper up and throw it away. There was a study done with uni students that found this reduced anxiety. Another one is a worry doll, which is actually a South American tradition (I think!). I’ve done this with my daughter and it’s been really effective. Worry dolls are tiny little dolls (the size of half you finger) and you tell each of your worries to a doll, put the dolls under your pillow and when you wake up in the morning, the worry is gone. One little doll would be fine – anything she can externalise the worry on to to get it ‘out’ of her. Would be good to use the information in the article to explain to her what happens in your body when you worry. Will be interesting to see what the doctor says. My very best wishes to you both.
Hi, thanks so much for this post. Couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m a mum of two, and managing my own General Anxiety Disorder. I sometimes can’t believe that I find myself getting anxious about the potential of my own kids having anxiety! But i guess that’s the deal….
Your post was good even for adults who “understand” anxiety. It’s always nice to see it spelled out so simply. I shared this with my husband so he could get a sense of what I experience also.
And now I have exactly what I need up my sleeve if my children start showing signs of anxiety. This is really reassuring – thank you!
You’re very welcome! There have been so many parents who have talked about their anxiety around their own kids being anxious – you ‘re not alone! The thing to remember is that first, your kids might not get anxiety at all. Second, even if they do, they won’t necessarily experienced anxiety the way you do. They’ll also have the benefit of your wisdom and insight. It’s such a normal fear. Thank you for taking the time to make contact.
I found your article to have really useful and simplistic tips. Thank you. I have b/g twins aged 7. My daughter has had anxiety since they started school at 4. She suffered from night terrors from age 2-5. It was not something that either her father or I had ever experienced or understood and it took us sometime (and patience) to realize that her fears about growing up and the future were more than just a passing phase.
I’m so pleased this article was useful to you. That’s one of the hard things about anxiety – wondering if it’s a problem or a phase. Thank you of taking the time to make contact.
Great Article, thank you and I will be talking with my daughter using some of these tips.
My daughter is 9 and I am not sure what is going on right now but I am thinking it is a little anxiety. She has always been a great sleeper and about 2 months ago she started complaining about a nervous stomach about going to bed, saying she is afraid that she will not be able to go to sleep. she begged and begged to sleep in our room, so of course we let her and my son camp out on our floor for the night and this lasted bout a month., by then it was really time they go back to their rooms. I prepared her and told her that she had till the end of the week and then she had to move back to her room. it has been an issue every night since…. Now being that it is 3 weeks since she has been back, it has lessened a bit, I was told about Melatonin and we have tried that and it seems to help a little, but she is still thinking about it about an hour prior to going to bed. It is odd because that is the only she struggles with. she is outgoing loves sports, good in school, so that is why I am not sure this falls under anxiety???
You’re welcome! It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on but it’s not at all unusual for kids to go through stages of having sleep troubles like this. My own daughter went through the same thing about a year ago – worry that she wouldn’t be able to sleep which worried her so much she couldn’t fall asleep(!). The problem is that it starts small but then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and reinforces itself. Now, it’s about breaking the cycle – but in her room. There were a couple of things that worked for me. The first was a heat pack – a soft squishy one that feels lovely – it soothes. Then, lay with her for ten minutes or so – whatever time you think and rub her back or give her a cuddle – but make sure it’s in a way that you can sneak out easily if she falls asleep. Hugging has been proven to reduce cortisol – the stress hormone. Next, put a night light on and tell her you’ll be back in 15 minutes to turn it off and make sure she’s asleep. This ‘takes over’ the worry for her. Instead of her worrying about whether or not she’ll fall asleep, you’re there to do that instead. If ten minutes is too much for her, start with five. When you go back, if she’s asleep, great. If she’s not – quick cuddle and away for another 15. Hope this helps!
please email the article on kids with anxiety. Thank you!
Diana
Done!
My 9 year old son is showing signs of anxiety. We have an appointment this week with a therapist to hopefully better understand what’s going on with him and help him get on the right track. He is showing problems in school feeling overwhelmed with his school work. Once he gets started he’s fine but the little part he doesn’t understand he gets frustrated and freezes up. He starts complaining about his stomach hurting and wants to go to the nurse. His teacher is wonderful with him and has shown great concern and help as have other key personnel in the school. If he does something wrong and feels he is going to get in trouble he starts talking about hurting himself and not wanting to live and what a terrible person he is. This article has shed a great deal of light on what he is going through and helps us try and help him.
I’m so pleased the article found it’s way to you. It sounds as though your son is in such good hands – having a great teacher will make such a difference. He will get through this. You’re doing everything right. Thank you for making contact.
Thank you for the information on anxiety in children. I’m sure that my 7 year old has anxiety attacks over lite things. She freaked out her first day of 1st grade. It’s so hard to watch. I’m wondering what can be done professionally without making her feel like she’s different.
You’re so welcome. It’s awful to know they’re struggling like this isn’ it. Let your daughter know that there are so many kids who are experiencing exactly what she’s experiencing. Also let her know that the things she will be learning with a counsellor, like how to stay calm when you’re about to do brave things, will be things that everyone learns eventually – she’ll just be learning them earlier. I hope your daughter is able to find some relief soon. Thank you for taking the time to make contact.
Thanks for this post … I have recently started treating my anxiety like it is a different person – and talking to it like it is a child.
I always tell it that “I’m here too, and we’ll do this together.” Instantly I’m feeling better, because the anxiety has been heard (my old technique as to push it away) and I don’t feel alone in my struggle. I imagine I’m also being mindful when I do this, and my breathing returns to a more normal flow … whatever it is, it seems to work 😉
That’s brilliant! Mindfulness, really, is just being completely in the present moment so when you do this yes, you are aware of your breath, and your moment to moment experience so yes, this is a version of mindfulness. Thank you so much for sharing this. I love it!