How to Make a Person Fall In Love With You – Using Psychology (by John Alex Clark)

How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You - Using Psychology
By John Alex Clark

Not everyone knows what a Lovemap is. It’s a field of study that mostly only people within psychology circles know about. However, analyzing someone’s Lovemap and understanding how it works is essential in trying to make that person fall in love you.

Dr. John Money, a famous American psychologist of Johns Hopkins University, first coined the term Lovemap in 1980. It is used to explain the code which is inside a human’s mind that causes them to fall in love with another person. In this article, I am going to show you how to use this to make a specific person you like fall in love with you.

What is This Code, Exactly?

As a person grows, little by little, he or she forms a subconscious guide to his or her ideal future partner. They begin to develop subliminal preference towards specific qualities and traits in the opposite sex.

Everything from our:

  • Parents
  • Experiences
  • Culture
  • Worries
  • Fears

… influence, one way or another, our subliminal guide that is also known as “Lovemap”.

As an example, people who are shy have a high tendency to become attracted to people who exude confidence as their potential future spouse. These people’s subconscious reason that getting married to someone who has traits which they lack will make them complete.

Another example is if someone grows up without having a lot of money, they will naturally feel attracted to people who have more money than them. Subconsciously, they think that being with that kind of person will fulfill an aspect of their life that they lack.

This is how a person’s Lovemap operates. When there are enough specifications of a person’s Lovemap that are met, the person will consequently fall in love with them.

Use This If You Want Someone to Fall In Love With You

If you learned the specifications that are on the Lovemap of the person you want to fall in love with you, you can use this information to help you make him or her fall for you. There are two core things you need to keep in mind when matching someone’s Lovemap like this:

  • Negative Lovemap Specifications:

    If you learned that the parents of the person you like regularly fight with each other because one of them drinks a lot, then you should realize that he or she will never be impressed if he or she finds out that you like to have one too many drinks every weekend. So you should display to this type of person that you have little time or respect for people who drink too much. By doing this, you will have displayed to their subconscious mind that you are a match for their Lovemap (at least in this one regard).

  • Positive Lovemap Specifications:

    On the other hand, if the one you like grew up in an environment where their parents gave them a lot of affection, they’re more likely to be attracted to people who can be as affectionate as their parents. This is what they’re likely to look for in their future spouse. So, in such a situation if you were to display little affection to your own family, then their subconscious probably won’t see you as a perfect match to their Lovemap.

It’s important to take note that all of these happened at the subconscious level. The person wont be consciously aware of the specification that are on their own Lovemap. All that will happen is that from their interaction with different people, their subconscious will recognise that some people are a better match for them than others, and their subconscious will naturally draw them towards these people making them fall in love with the one that matches the most specifications on their Lovemap.

This is the reason why people fall in love and can’t quite figure out why they fell in love with that person. Our Lovemap basically works in the background making judgments about the people that we interact with – all of this without us realizing it’s actually happening.

This Is Where a Lot of People Go Wrong

Most people have the idea that to make someone fall in love with them, they should be reading guides and books on how to dress, talk, and flirt with the opposite ex.

Although being able to do these kinds of things properly does add to a person’s level of attractiveness, if they broke an important Lovemap specification of the person, they will most likley never be able to make him or her fall in love with them …no matter how well they dress or flirt with them..

You also need to remember that you not only have to match the specifications that the person is looking for in a future spouse but also to avoid matching the specifications in their Lovemap that turn them off (like in the case above with the person who is turned off by people who drink too much). This will take a bit of research on your part, but if you do it properly, you won’t just have a person attracted to you …but instead that person will be subconsciously programmed to see you as THE ONE.

I Don’t Think I’m Attractive Enough for the Person!

Some of you might ask:

“What if the person I like is looking for someone who’s really good looking and I’m just an average-looking person?” Does this mean that making them fall in love me is never going to happen?”

Absolutely not and here’s why …

When someone puts more emphasis on good looks, the reality is that they actually don’t really want someone with good looks at all … but instead they’re looking to satisfy another unmet specification on their Lovemap which is unrelated to a person’s looks.

When a person fusses about looking for a partner who’s very attractive, it’s more likely that they only want someone good looking because they:

  • Want to be thought of as cool
  • Want to be admired
  • Don’t think they are attractive themselves

The above three unmet needs (or even just one of them) is recognized by their subconscious and so their subconscious mind reasons that if they were to get someone who is good-looking, it would be an indirect way of fixing that unmet need.

Let’s say that there’s a need for the person to be admired. We don’t know if there was something that happened in his or her past that gave them the need to feel wanted or admired. It could be that:

  • They didn’t have many friends in school
  • They were neglected when they were a child
  • They feel inferior to other people and they feel that getting a good looking partner would be able to compensate for this

The reality though is that getting someone who is good-looking is only ONE way of fixing this unmet need. If they were to fix this unmet need via another means, they would no longer put as much weight on the idea that they must get with someone that’s good-looking. And so, the “necessity” of getting someone that’s good looking becomes obsolete. If the person has a need to feel admired – look for ways to make them feel admired. If the person feels neglected – look for ways to make them feel wanted.

If you think that there’s one component in that person’s Lovemap that’s an obstacle for you and you feel like you can’t satisfy it then look for a different way around it. This way, you can provide him or her with the same feeling even if you don’t necessarily have the actual thing itself.

Is it Ethical to Manipulate Love?

If we’re talking about whether tricking the person you like into loving you is ethical or not, then I think it depends on the situation. If you genuinely love the person and intend on treating them well …then giving them a push to make them fall in love with you is in my opinion an ethical thing to do.

However, if you’re trying to use this information to make someone fall in love with you just to stroke your ego or get them into bed …then you’re clearly crossing the line and using this information to make them fall in love with you is clearly unethical. Ultimately, how a person uses this information depends on the character of that person.


John Alex Clark
About the Author: John Alex Clark

 

John Alex Clark is a Relationship Coach & NLP Practitioner from Dublin Ireland. He is also an entrepreneur, a motivational speaker, and an author. 

His background in relationship coaching, neuro-linguistic-programming, science, psychology and perhaps most importantly – innovation …have created a unique skill-set which he has concentrated mainly in the field of love psychology. He is recognized as the worlds leading expert in the field of Lovemaps (the field of study into how to make someone fall in love with you).

He is the founder of the relationship advice website www.RelationshipPsychology.com and is the author of the two best-selling relationship programs:

•   THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology; and

•   THE ERASE CODE: How To Get Over Anyone In Less Than A Week Using Psychology

His book THE LOVEMAP CODE is the first book to be released on the topic of Lovemaps since Dr. John Moneys (the man who coined the term Lovemap) death in 2006 and marks a major step forward in our understanding of this field.

You can find John Alex at RelationshipPsychology.com, and check out the main sections of his website “How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You” and “How To Fall Out Of Love With Someone” …and learn more about him at About Me.

 

7 Comments

Aj

Hey so I’m 24 and I have been in a relationship with my baby mom for 6,years and before I went to prison in 2016 we was inseparable we dominated the game we really loved each other and we got into a fight and we broke up well I had sex with someone else and I went to prison for 18_months during that time I tried to contact her and she want having it. Over this course she got into another relationship and almost had a baby but miscarried and then I was released and we fellvaprat we hung out one time and fell back unlocked or so I thought but our relationship was based on drugs and when I got out we both did things to each other that are both on both ends and white we was going this she got pregnant by me and we had a baby but I went to prison forna year and just got out three days ago but she is in another relationship and doesn’t wanna be with him but says she wants to be with me but still talks tovhim and hamgs out with him and stuff what should I do

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Angela

Long and well written post about using psychology to make a person fall in love. I liked the point about attractiveness the most. I don’t think it is all about looks and being attractive.

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Kelsey

Hi, I was wondering, I have been in a FWB relationship for 6months, we broke up because he didn’t want to hurt me more as I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. He says he wants to love me but he can’t because he only falls in love at first sight, thats what he had with his ex, his first and only love of 4 years. However how can he say he tried if we never met outside the bedroom.
I really want him back, but don’t know what I should do, can I convince him that he didn’t try and actually give me a real shot, he says himself im perfect for him and he thinks im gorgeous so its not that he is saying that but doesn’t find me attractive 🙁

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Hey Sigmund

Kelsey I can hear how much he means to you. The thing is, he has told you really clearly how he feels – believe him. I’m sure he things your gorgeous and wonderful, but he has made it clear that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t see himself loving you. If he wanted to try outside the bedroom he would have – but he hasn’t. If he came back to you, you might stay together for a while longer but you don’t want to be with someone who is in like-a-lot with you. You deserve so more than that. Let him go and find the one who is waiting to fall in love with you. He’s there – give him the chance to find you.

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Kelsey

Thank you for your reaction and expertise advice and I understand when you say let him go.

But it feels like its impossible if I where still to want to try, because I do, I do not fall in love easily, and when I do I fall really deeply, circumstances have also changed. He was gotten his own studio instead of living at home and during our time together he got sent away quite often for several weeks at a time for his job since he is in the military. I really want him back, but I want him to fall in love this time around, I just need to know if its possible or not.. Im trying the no contact rule, hoping that will work. The hope that it could is what keeps me going and gets me out my bed to do things. You can’t force love, but can you aid it?

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Hey Sigmund

You can aid love but only when it wants to be and only when it is moving in both directions. Otherwise it’s trying to fuel something that isn’t there to begin with. There is a difference between aiding love and hanging on for dear life to something which is trying to let go of you. I know how much you want him to love you, and it is likely that you won’t be ready to let go of this for a while. That’s okay, but make a really strong, clear decision around how long you will keep trying before you let him go. Otherwise, you will be living in hope and tortured by the reality for too long.
You are doing the right thing with the no contact rule. He knows how to get in touch with you and he knows how you feel. If he wants to get in touch with you, he knows where you are.
You are going through an emotional and physical withdrawal at the moment, so everything in you will be telling you that you can’t let go and that he is the one. Don’t buy into this. Here is an article that will explain what you are going through https://www.heysigmund.com/your-body-during-a-breakup/.
I imagine if you listened really hard to yourself, you would have a sense of whether you should let go or whether you should keep trying to encourage him to want to be with you. Listen to that voice. It’s your own wisdom and it contains great insight. If you want to keep fighting for him, keep doing that, but there are so many people out there who would fall madly in love with the person you are. Don’t let the one who doesn’t want to return you love, keep you from the one who will.

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Ellen Ford

I think you’re about eleven eggs shy of a dozen on ethics here. First, the fact that you “intend on treating them well” when you’re in the early stages of infatuation means almost nothing–the road to hell is well-paved. (After all, who doesn’t intend to behave well when newly in love?) If we later start behaving badly to another person, we generally rationalize our actions because we’ve been hurt or disappointed, and feel they owed us better.
Second, and more importantly, a suggestion that you present what will successfully fit the love map of the desired person skips right over the issue of what is true. You can present yourself as someone who has little respect or time for heavy drinkers, and you can hide your genuine drinking pattern for quite awhile–especially when in the throes of love or infatuation. However, it’s not unreasonable for the object of your affection to want to be with someone who genuinely does not want to have an extra drink, even when not on their best behavior. Manipulating based on Love Maps classically invites deception.
At the same time, your explanation of how individual history affects Love Maps is over simplistic to the point that it will be, very often, wrong. The notion that children of alcoholics or fighters would be “Love Mapped” to avoid these behaviors seems sensible, but is hugely inaccurate. So figuring out how to manipulate based on your analysis is likely to send readers back to square one, scratching their heads and wondering “why didn’t it work?” Anyway. Maybe no harm done.
E Ford

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Big feelings, and the big behaviour that comes from big feelings, are a sign of a distressed nervous system. Think of this like a burning building. The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a distressed nervous system. It’s so tempting to respond directly to the behaviour (the smoke), but by doing this, we ignore the fire. Their behaviour and feelings in that moment are a call for support - for us to help that distressed brain and body find the way home. 

The most powerful language for any nervous system is another nervous system. They will catch our distress (as we will catch theirs) but they will also catch our calm. It can be tempting to move them to independence on this too quickly, but it just doesn’t work this way. Children can only learn to self-regulate with lots (and lots and lots) of experience co-regulating. 

This isn’t something that can be taught. It’s something that has to be experienced over and over. It’s like so many things - driving a car, playing the piano - we can talk all we want about ‘how’ but it’s not until we ‘do’ over and over that we get better at it. 

Self-regulation works the same way. It’s not until children have repeated experiences with an adult bringing them back to calm, that they develop the neural pathways to come back to calm on their own. 

An important part of this is making sure we are guiding that nervous system with tender, gentle hands and a steady heart. This is where our own self-regulation becomes important. Our nervous systems speak to each other every moment of every day. When our children or teens are distressed, we will start to feel that distress. It becomes a loop. We feel what they feel, they feel what we feel. Our own capacity to self-regulate is the circuit breaker. 

This can be so tough, but it can happen in microbreaks. A few strong steady breaths can calm our own nervous system, which we can then use to calm theirs. Breathe, and be with. It’s that simple, but so tough to do some days. When they come back to calm, then have those transformational chats - What happened? What can make it easier next time?

Who you are in the moment will always be more important than what you do.
How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.

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