Postpartum Depression – The Overwhelming Emotions Nobody Told Me Came With the Baby

Postpartum Depression - The Overwhelming Emotions Nobody Told Me Came With the Baby

In my nursing school maternity rotation, I remember briefly talking about the “baby blues”. It sounded so benign and universal, like a shadowy cloud quickly drifting through the sky, crying a few tears as the hormones crash. In my mental health rotation, the idea of postpartum psychosis seemed like a rare anomaly on the opposite end of the spectrum.  

It never occurred to me there were a thousand different experiences in between.

From Birth to Postpartum Depression – And Everything In Between

The emotions I experienced after giving birth shocked me. I had never experienced anything of that intensity, or that out of control, in my life. I cried all of day three postpartum. My midwife was there to tell me it was normal and gradually I adjusted. I found a letter years later I had written my daughter when she was colicky, in it, I apologize for bringing her to earth where she had to feel so much pain. Reading it outside of the moment, I realized just how altered my mental state must have been.

With my second baby, the waters were smooth. Other than a few tears on day three that I knowingly embraced as a physical reaction to hormonal shifts, I felt tired but happy. She was born in the summer and the days were sunny.

Then baby number three. We had feeding issues from the beginning. I was in pain physically and mentally distressed at my perceived failure. I quickly spiraled into day three on repeat. I couldn’t stop crying. It was like a fog had settled. It took a solid support network to see me through.

Some Postpartum Truths

My experiences made me curious, as I’ve watched my friends experience postpartum depression and talked to the moms in the NICU where I work I began to see themes emerging.

No two experiences are alike.

Every woman who enters into childbearing comes with a unique genetic makeup. If there is a family history of depression her risk of experiencing it herself goes up. Each pregnancy is unique and depression may even begin in pregnancy. A loss in pregnancy or the delivery of a baby with complications increases the risk again. A traumatic delivery can result in symptoms of post traumatic stress for women, and for their partner, again increasing the chances that she will experience a form of postpartum depression.

Even the same person, as in my case, can have completely different experiences with each baby.

Having a baby is something you need to recover from both physically and mentally.

While having babies is commonplace, the immensity of this life shift is often downplayed. Media is saturated with women looking great after recently giving birth. Social media allows us to share the good moments, while withholding the bad, causing a skewed perspective. In many cultures around the world, women are honored after birth for a period of time. They are taken care of and encouraged to take the time to heal physically.

The recovery needs to fit the person.

Some women may find that staying home and having help with the baby care is what they need to recover. Other may need to get out, and themselves be supported in caring for their families. When we apply a prescribed solution to our stress because a nurse, our Mother in Law, or the internet told us we should, it can have the opposite effect. It can be difficult to advocate for our mental health needs when culture dictates something different.

For me, I had a lot of anxiety about others taking care of my existing children. The money and stress of putting them in care to help me when I was struggling would have had the opposite effect I wanted it to.

Birth and caring for a newborn sets you up for poor self-care.

Caring for a new baby is demanding. Even if delivery is ideal, and often it’s not, women and their partners are faced suddenly with broken sleep, learning how to take care of a baby, and remembering to eat. There can be unresolved feelings about the pregnancy and birth. If women are the first in their families and peer groups to have a baby it can be isolating. Many moms joke about never being able to shower or even go to the bathroom alone, but having to renegotiate these basic behaviors of self care can contribute negatively to mental health.

It’s something that isn’t talked about that much especially to new moms.

Recently, women have begun speaking out about the mental challenges that come along with a new baby. From celebrities, to friends over coffee, there has been a big shift towards realization, that while postpartum mood disorders are concerning and should be treated, they are common.

When the stigma is removed it gives women the confidence to admit they are struggling, which is often the first big step towards recovery. When shame stops women from speaking out, it also fosters denial. Instead of spending energy on finding treatment, it can be easy to put all that energy into convincing ourselves that these feeling aren’t real.

There are things to do to help prevent it.

There are many things we can do to buffer the stress of having a baby. Managing expectations is the biggest one. Having a realistic view of just how little sleep, or how hard breastfeeding will be, can go a long way in normalizing it when it happens. If women realize the challenges, they can be prepared with meals, knowing where to get support for feeding, and strategies for getting rest.

It has taken me three kids to finally acknowledge that self-care is not an indulgence. It is a necessity that makes me a better mom. It’s also something that looks different at each stage of motherhood. When I had a newborn just having 20 minutes for an uninterrupted shower was amazing. As my kids get older I’m looking forward to a whole weekend away.

There are things to do to fix it.

All the things that help depression can be used to fight postpartum mood disorders with some creativity.

  • Walk

My easiest postpartum was in the summer where we walked every day out in the sun. It’s harder when the weather is cold and dreary, but getting out even if it’s just for a brisk walk in the mall before the stores open, can make a big difference.  

  • Connect

Some of my best friends still are coworkers who had babies at the same time. We would drag each other out for walks even when we didn’t feel like it and be reminded that it’s hard for everyone as we shared our joys and struggles with motherhood.

  • Recharge

Mindfulness and relaxation are important too. From baby and me yoga to listening to a relaxation meditation or mindfulness app while the baby is sleeping. I used instagram to take pictures everyday of the small things I was a grateful for.

  • Nourish

Then there is nourishment. It is so easy to forget to eat and drink when there are small people demanding our attention but our bodies need whole, healthy foods and plenty of water to recover from birth, to produce milk and to cope with caring for a baby. Sometimes good food need to be supplemented with iron, omega 3s and other vitamins to address specific deficiencies as well.

  • Medication

Then there is medication. There comes a time when the symptoms of depression and anxiety are so overwhelming that all of the above seems insurmountable. Medication can be the one thing that allows women to reclaim their life. It can be what it takes to bring them back to a place where they are capable of eating, drinking and sleeping.

It doesn’t make you a bad mom.

There is a lot of shame around perinatal mood disorders. There is shame for many of us who thought we could do it all and were sideswiped with realizing just how challenging motherhood can be. There is guilt over needing medication, and over not taking it, over stopping breastfeeding, and for powering through.

Shame and guilt has become the norm for so many parenting decisions. When moms are vulnerable with their stories of how hard it is, and the many factors that went into their decisions, it is harder to judge and easier to empathize. Managing expectations can only be done when other mothers share not just the joys, but the challenges.

When We Share our Story

When I share my struggles with motherhood it is met with an overwhelming response of “me too.” Knowing that other moms feel the same way makes it harder to believe there is something wrong with me. It’s normalizing.

All women find parts of motherhood challenging, as it should be. The task of raising human beings is one that comes with great honor, but also great expectations from society and ourselves. There is so much pressure to find the one right way that we’ve lost sight of the millions of good ways.

Knowing that anger and anxiety, sadness and numbness are all things that come with the positive emotions of having a baby, can leave us prepared for both. It’s normal to feel everything.

When the negative feelings take over and crowd out the joy and the happiness, when they steal the peace and the calm, knowing that it is ok to seek help can aid in creating a better balance.

When we suffer alone, we fight alone and it becomes a vicious circle of not realizing we need help, and not realizing that we are not alone.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with the emotions that come with pregnancy and postpartum, which left untreated can extend far into motherhood, Postpartum Progress is an excellent resource. It has everything from current research to personal stories.

Women shouldn’t suffer alone. As a society we need to care for our mothers who are raising the next generation. Then they can be empowered and equipped emotionally to do it well. It affects us all.


About the Author: Jenn Shehata

Jenn is a messy mom and ordinary nurse living a beautiful life. She writes to remember and to reimagine the story. You can find her at www.cryandnurseon.com writing about motherhood and nursing and all the thing that make her cry.

When she’s not chasing her three kids, watching Netflix with her husband, or working in the NICU, she is a voracious reader, always looking to understand the world better through people’s stories. Preferably with a latte in hand.

Find out more about Jenn on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

4 Comments

Jana

Great article. I think those in a ‘compatible’ profession with raising children (I’m a teacher and ex-nanny) end up with greater perceived pressures to ‘excel’ at motherhood, which is totally unachievable – we all find our own way and have different strengths and weaknesses. I followed all your bulletpoints in my own journey to recovery, and now I speak freely to people about my own experiences in the hope it will encourage them to not feel the pressure (self-imposed I hasten to add) that I felt to be a self-sufficient, perfect mum. They don’t exist – we all need others and no-one is perfect!

Reply
Jenn

I agree. I think when we take care of children professionally we give ourselves less room for struggle and have skewed expectations.

I love this. “They don’t exist – we all need others and no-one is perfect!”

I’m slowly learning this.

Reply
An

I too suffered postpartum depression that I was no way prepared for. All the prenatal magazines and books I read, this in 1985-86 during my first pregnancy, also talked about baby blues but not about postpartum depression. Depression for me manifested in increased anxiety. My son was almost 2 years old before I finally sought professional help. Thankfully by 1990, when my second son was born, I was prepared and recognized the symptoms and got help quickly. I think more obstetricians, doulas, midwifes, pediatricians, and perinatal healthcare nurses should be fully educated in postpartum mental health so they can in turn educate their moms-to-be before, during and after the birth…to ask perinent questions regarding exactly how they are doing, not just 6 weeks after birth, but during well baby checks as well.

Reply
Jenn

yes, yes, yes. I agree so much. Health care professionals need to be much better as assessing and straight up discussing mental health with women and know the resources to offer them.

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Physical activity is the natural end to the fight or flight response (which is where the physical feelings of an anxiety attack come from). Walking will help to burn the adrenalin and neurochemicals that have surged the body to prepare it for flight or fight, and which are causing the physical symptoms (racy heart, feeling sick, sweaty, short breaths, dry mouth, trembly or tense in the limbs etc). As well as this, the rhythm of walking will help to calm their anxious amygdala. Brains love rhythm, and walking is a way to give them this. 
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Try to help your young one access their steady breaths while walking, but it is very likely that they will only be able to do this if they’ve practised outside of an anxiety attack. During anxiety, the brain is too busy to try anything unfamiliar. Practising will help to create neural pathways that will make breathing an easier, more accessible response during anxiety. If they aren't able to access strong steady breaths, you might need to do it for them. This will be just as powerful - in the same way they can catch your anxiety, they will also be able to catch your calm. When you are able to assume a strong, calm, steady presence, this will clear the way for your brave ones to do the same.
The more your young one is able to verbalise what their anxiety feels like, the more capacity they will have to identify it, acknowledge it and act more deliberately in response to it. With this level of self-awareness comes an increased ability to manage the feeling when it happens, and less likelihood that the anxiety will hijack their behaviour. 

Now - let’s give their awareness some muscle. If they are experts at what their anxiety feels like, they are also experts at what it takes to be brave. They’ve felt anxiety and they’ve moved through it, maybe not every time - none of us do it every time - maybe not even most times, but enough times to know what it takes and how it feels when they do. Maybe it was that time they walked into school when everything in them was wanting to walk away. Maybe that time they went in for goal, or down the water slide, or did the presentation in front of the class. Maybe that time they spoke their own order at the restaurant, or did the driving test, or told you there would be alcohol at the party. Those times matter, because they show them they can move through anxiety towards brave. They might also taken for granted by your young one, or written off as not counting as brave - but they do count. They count for everything. They are evidence that they can do hard things, even when those things feel bigger than them. 

So let’s expand those times with them and for them. Let’s expand the wisdom that comes with that, and bring their brave into the light as well. ‘What helped you do that?’ ‘What was it like when you did?’ ‘I know everything in you wanted to walk away, but you didn’t. Being brave isn’t about doing things easily. It’s about doing those hard things even when they feel bigger than us. I see you doing that all the time. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do them every time -none of us are brave every time- but you have so much courage in you my love, even when anxiety is making you feel otherwise.’

Let them also know that you feel like this too sometimes. It will help them see that anxiety happens to all of us, and that even though it tells a deficiency story, it is just a story and one they can change the ending of.
During adolescence, our teens are more likely to pay attention to the positives of a situation over the negatives. This can be a great thing. The courage that comes from this will help them try new things, explore their independence, and learn the things they need to learn to be happy, healthy adults. But it can also land them in bucketloads of trouble. 

Here’s the thing. Our teens don’t want to do the wrong thing and they don’t want to go behind our backs, but they also don’t want to be controlled by us, or have any sense that we might be stifling their way towards independence. The cold truth of it all is that if they want something badly enough, and if they feel as though we are intruding or that we are making arbitrary decisions just because we can, or that we don’t get how important something is to them, they have the will, the smarts and the means to do it with or without or approval. 

So what do we do? Of course we don’t want to say ‘yes’ to everything, so our job becomes one of influence over control. To keep them as safe as we can, rather than saying ‘no’ (which they might ignore anyway) we want to engage their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) so they can be more considered in their decision making. 

Our teens are very capable of making good decisions, but because the rational, logical, thinking prefrontal cortex won’t be fully online until their 20s (closer to 30 in boys), we need to wake it up and bring it to the decision party whenever we can. 

Do this by first softening the landing:
‘I can see how important this is for you. You really want to be with your friends. I absolutely get that.’
Then, gently bring that thinking brain to the table:
‘It sounds as though there’s so much to love in this for you. I don’t want to get in your way but I need to know you’ve thought about the risks and planned for them. What are some things that could go wrong?’
Then, we really make the prefrontal cortex kick up a gear by engaging its problem solving capacities:
‘What’s the plan if that happens.’
Remember, during adolescence we switch from managers to consultants. Assume a leadership presence, but in a way that is warm, loving, and collaborative.♥️
Big feelings and big behaviour are a call for us to come closer. They won’t always feel like that, but they are. Not ‘closer’ in an intrusive ‘I need you to stop this’ way, but closer in a ‘I’ve got you, I can handle all of you’ kind of way - no judgement, no need for you to be different - I’m just going to make space for this feeling to find its way through. 

Our kids and teens are no different to us. When we have feelings that fill us to overloaded, the last thing we need is someone telling us that it’s not the way to behave, or to calm down, or that we’re unbearable when we’re like this. Nup. What we need, and what they need, is a safe place to find our out breath, to let the energy connected to that feeling move through us and out of us so we can rest. 
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But how? First, don’t take big feelings personally. They aren’t a reflection on you, your parenting, or your child. Big feelings have wisdom contained in them about what’s needed more, or less, or what feels intolerable right now. Sometimes it might be as basic as a sleep or food. Maybe more power, influence, independence, or connection with you. Maybe there’s too much stress and it’s hitting their ceiling and ricocheting off their edges. Like all wisdom, it doesn’t always find a gentle way through. That’s okay, that will come. Our kids can’t learn to manage big feelings, or respect the wisdom embodied in those big feelings if they don’t have experience with big feelings. 
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We also need to make sure we are responding to them in the moment, not a fear or an inherited ‘should’ of our own. These are the messages we swallowed whole at some point - ‘happy kids should never get sad or angry’, ‘kids should always behave,’ ‘I should be able to protect my kids from feeling bad,’ ‘big feelings are bad feelings’, ‘bad behaviour means bad kids, which means bad parents.’ All these shoulds are feisty show ponies that assume more ‘rightness’ than they deserve. They are usually historic, and when we really examine them, they’re also irrelevant.
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Finally, try not to let the symptoms of big feelings disrupt the connection. Then, when calm comes, we will have the influence we need for the conversations that matter.
"Be patient. We don’t know what we want to do or who we want to be. That feels really bad sometimes. Just keep reminding us that it’s okay that we don’t have it all figured out yet, and maybe remind yourself sometimes too."
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 #parentingteens #neurodevelopment #positiveparenting #parenting #neuronurtured #braindevelopment #adolescence  #neurodevelopment #parentingteens

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