Postpartum Depression – The Overwhelming Emotions Nobody Told Me Came With the Baby

Postpartum Depression - The Overwhelming Emotions Nobody Told Me Came With the Baby

In my nursing school maternity rotation, I remember briefly talking about the “baby blues”. It sounded so benign and universal, like a shadowy cloud quickly drifting through the sky, crying a few tears as the hormones crash. In my mental health rotation, the idea of postpartum psychosis seemed like a rare anomaly on the opposite end of the spectrum.  

It never occurred to me there were a thousand different experiences in between.

From Birth to Postpartum Depression – And Everything In Between

The emotions I experienced after giving birth shocked me. I had never experienced anything of that intensity, or that out of control, in my life. I cried all of day three postpartum. My midwife was there to tell me it was normal and gradually I adjusted. I found a letter years later I had written my daughter when she was colicky, in it, I apologize for bringing her to earth where she had to feel so much pain. Reading it outside of the moment, I realized just how altered my mental state must have been.

With my second baby, the waters were smooth. Other than a few tears on day three that I knowingly embraced as a physical reaction to hormonal shifts, I felt tired but happy. She was born in the summer and the days were sunny.

Then baby number three. We had feeding issues from the beginning. I was in pain physically and mentally distressed at my perceived failure. I quickly spiraled into day three on repeat. I couldn’t stop crying. It was like a fog had settled. It took a solid support network to see me through.

Some Postpartum Truths

My experiences made me curious, as I’ve watched my friends experience postpartum depression and talked to the moms in the NICU where I work I began to see themes emerging.

No two experiences are alike.

Every woman who enters into childbearing comes with a unique genetic makeup. If there is a family history of depression her risk of experiencing it herself goes up. Each pregnancy is unique and depression may even begin in pregnancy. A loss in pregnancy or the delivery of a baby with complications increases the risk again. A traumatic delivery can result in symptoms of post traumatic stress for women, and for their partner, again increasing the chances that she will experience a form of postpartum depression.

Even the same person, as in my case, can have completely different experiences with each baby.

Having a baby is something you need to recover from both physically and mentally.

While having babies is commonplace, the immensity of this life shift is often downplayed. Media is saturated with women looking great after recently giving birth. Social media allows us to share the good moments, while withholding the bad, causing a skewed perspective. In many cultures around the world, women are honored after birth for a period of time. They are taken care of and encouraged to take the time to heal physically.

The recovery needs to fit the person.

Some women may find that staying home and having help with the baby care is what they need to recover. Other may need to get out, and themselves be supported in caring for their families. When we apply a prescribed solution to our stress because a nurse, our Mother in Law, or the internet told us we should, it can have the opposite effect. It can be difficult to advocate for our mental health needs when culture dictates something different.

For me, I had a lot of anxiety about others taking care of my existing children. The money and stress of putting them in care to help me when I was struggling would have had the opposite effect I wanted it to.

Birth and caring for a newborn sets you up for poor self-care.

Caring for a new baby is demanding. Even if delivery is ideal, and often it’s not, women and their partners are faced suddenly with broken sleep, learning how to take care of a baby, and remembering to eat. There can be unresolved feelings about the pregnancy and birth. If women are the first in their families and peer groups to have a baby it can be isolating. Many moms joke about never being able to shower or even go to the bathroom alone, but having to renegotiate these basic behaviors of self care can contribute negatively to mental health.

It’s something that isn’t talked about that much especially to new moms.

Recently, women have begun speaking out about the mental challenges that come along with a new baby. From celebrities, to friends over coffee, there has been a big shift towards realization, that while postpartum mood disorders are concerning and should be treated, they are common.

When the stigma is removed it gives women the confidence to admit they are struggling, which is often the first big step towards recovery. When shame stops women from speaking out, it also fosters denial. Instead of spending energy on finding treatment, it can be easy to put all that energy into convincing ourselves that these feeling aren’t real.

There are things to do to help prevent it.

There are many things we can do to buffer the stress of having a baby. Managing expectations is the biggest one. Having a realistic view of just how little sleep, or how hard breastfeeding will be, can go a long way in normalizing it when it happens. If women realize the challenges, they can be prepared with meals, knowing where to get support for feeding, and strategies for getting rest.

It has taken me three kids to finally acknowledge that self-care is not an indulgence. It is a necessity that makes me a better mom. It’s also something that looks different at each stage of motherhood. When I had a newborn just having 20 minutes for an uninterrupted shower was amazing. As my kids get older I’m looking forward to a whole weekend away.

There are things to do to fix it.

All the things that help depression can be used to fight postpartum mood disorders with some creativity.

  • Walk

My easiest postpartum was in the summer where we walked every day out in the sun. It’s harder when the weather is cold and dreary, but getting out even if it’s just for a brisk walk in the mall before the stores open, can make a big difference.  

  • Connect

Some of my best friends still are coworkers who had babies at the same time. We would drag each other out for walks even when we didn’t feel like it and be reminded that it’s hard for everyone as we shared our joys and struggles with motherhood.

  • Recharge

Mindfulness and relaxation are important too. From baby and me yoga to listening to a relaxation meditation or mindfulness app while the baby is sleeping. I used instagram to take pictures everyday of the small things I was a grateful for.

  • Nourish

Then there is nourishment. It is so easy to forget to eat and drink when there are small people demanding our attention but our bodies need whole, healthy foods and plenty of water to recover from birth, to produce milk and to cope with caring for a baby. Sometimes good food need to be supplemented with iron, omega 3s and other vitamins to address specific deficiencies as well.

  • Medication

Then there is medication. There comes a time when the symptoms of depression and anxiety are so overwhelming that all of the above seems insurmountable. Medication can be the one thing that allows women to reclaim their life. It can be what it takes to bring them back to a place where they are capable of eating, drinking and sleeping.

It doesn’t make you a bad mom.

There is a lot of shame around perinatal mood disorders. There is shame for many of us who thought we could do it all and were sideswiped with realizing just how challenging motherhood can be. There is guilt over needing medication, and over not taking it, over stopping breastfeeding, and for powering through.

Shame and guilt has become the norm for so many parenting decisions. When moms are vulnerable with their stories of how hard it is, and the many factors that went into their decisions, it is harder to judge and easier to empathize. Managing expectations can only be done when other mothers share not just the joys, but the challenges.

When We Share our Story

When I share my struggles with motherhood it is met with an overwhelming response of “me too.” Knowing that other moms feel the same way makes it harder to believe there is something wrong with me. It’s normalizing.

All women find parts of motherhood challenging, as it should be. The task of raising human beings is one that comes with great honor, but also great expectations from society and ourselves. There is so much pressure to find the one right way that we’ve lost sight of the millions of good ways.

Knowing that anger and anxiety, sadness and numbness are all things that come with the positive emotions of having a baby, can leave us prepared for both. It’s normal to feel everything.

When the negative feelings take over and crowd out the joy and the happiness, when they steal the peace and the calm, knowing that it is ok to seek help can aid in creating a better balance.

When we suffer alone, we fight alone and it becomes a vicious circle of not realizing we need help, and not realizing that we are not alone.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with the emotions that come with pregnancy and postpartum, which left untreated can extend far into motherhood, Postpartum Progress is an excellent resource. It has everything from current research to personal stories.

Women shouldn’t suffer alone. As a society we need to care for our mothers who are raising the next generation. Then they can be empowered and equipped emotionally to do it well. It affects us all.


About the Author: Jenn Shehata

Jenn is a messy mom and ordinary nurse living a beautiful life. She writes to remember and to reimagine the story. You can find her at www.cryandnurseon.com writing about motherhood and nursing and all the thing that make her cry.

When she’s not chasing her three kids, watching Netflix with her husband, or working in the NICU, she is a voracious reader, always looking to understand the world better through people’s stories. Preferably with a latte in hand.

Find out more about Jenn on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

4 Comments

An

I too suffered postpartum depression that I was no way prepared for. All the prenatal magazines and books I read, this in 1985-86 during my first pregnancy, also talked about baby blues but not about postpartum depression. Depression for me manifested in increased anxiety. My son was almost 2 years old before I finally sought professional help. Thankfully by 1990, when my second son was born, I was prepared and recognized the symptoms and got help quickly. I think more obstetricians, doulas, midwifes, pediatricians, and perinatal healthcare nurses should be fully educated in postpartum mental health so they can in turn educate their moms-to-be before, during and after the birth…to ask perinent questions regarding exactly how they are doing, not just 6 weeks after birth, but during well baby checks as well.

Reply
Jenn

yes, yes, yes. I agree so much. Health care professionals need to be much better as assessing and straight up discussing mental health with women and know the resources to offer them.

Reply
Jana

Great article. I think those in a ‘compatible’ profession with raising children (I’m a teacher and ex-nanny) end up with greater perceived pressures to ‘excel’ at motherhood, which is totally unachievable – we all find our own way and have different strengths and weaknesses. I followed all your bulletpoints in my own journey to recovery, and now I speak freely to people about my own experiences in the hope it will encourage them to not feel the pressure (self-imposed I hasten to add) that I felt to be a self-sufficient, perfect mum. They don’t exist – we all need others and no-one is perfect!

Reply
Jenn

I agree. I think when we take care of children professionally we give ourselves less room for struggle and have skewed expectations.

I love this. “They don’t exist – we all need others and no-one is perfect!”

I’m slowly learning this.

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Adolescence is all about the transition from childhood to adulthood. It can be a confusing time for everyone - not just for our teens but also for the adults who love them. 

Too often, the line between childhood and adulthood can be a blurry one. The expectations of adulthood can come charging at them, but without the freedoms, confidence, or capabilities that adulthood brings. They can feel with such depth and intensity, but without the adult wisdom or experience to make sense of those feelings. 

They’ll be okay, but it might feel wobbly for a while. In the meantime they will look to us for signs of safety and certainty. This doesn’t mean certainty that everything will always be okay - it won’t be - but certainty that they’ll get through, certainty that they are extraordinary, and needed, and that their will be a space and a place in the world that only they can fill.

We might not always feel that certainty. Some days we might ache, and wish we could make their world feel softer for a while. In those times, it will be less about what you do and more about who you are - being the one who can be with them without needing them to be different, the one who can handle any of their hurts or heartaches with gentle, certain hands, the one who can block out the world for a while by letting them rest in our care without needing them to be, or do, or give anything back in return.♥️
For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.

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