karenyoung_heysigmund
We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them).
All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos.
We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be.
Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space.
Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time.
Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.)
Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode.
This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’
If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it.
The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need.
The fix?
- First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it.
- Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour.
- Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️
Charlie (verified owner) –
My wife bought this for herself and loved it so much we bought another for our 8 year old grandson, who suffers from social anxiety. I haven’t had the chance to talk with him since it arrived, but my son says the plushie is now in his bed and the book on his bedside table. You are doing something good and I would like to thank you.
Penny (verified owner) –
Had such a positive impact for my 5yr old. We continue to refer back to the book and toy in a range of situations. She is a much more confident young person. Love this and highly recommend.
Suz (verified owner) –
The Hey Warrior book and Amygdala plushie have made such a positive impact on my thoughtful, anxious 9yo. Thank you so much for creating this product; we’ve added it to her wellness toolbox. I am recommending it to everyone and will be giving as gifts in the future.
Emma C (verified owner) –
This was recommended to me by a member of a support group for kidney kids, my son has medical anxiety whilst he’s a little too young, I love it! I work in mental health and I think this is great for adults too! Beautiful book and toy. Thank you!
Nicki A W (verified owner) –
This book gives an excellent explanation of the anxiety my 10 year old grandson is experiencing. He has named the plushie “Blue”. We are also practicing the coping strategies. Love all this material!
Peter S –
These books are truly wonderful! And the plush is my daughters favorite. (she calls him “Ang-zitty” and brings him and hands him to me or my wife to hug whenever either of us gets upset. 🙂 Thanks!
Sophie (verified owner) –
This was such a great recommendation! It really helped my daughter to better understand her anxiety and to feel more normal about it and in control of it. Thank you!!
Jodi H (verified owner) –
After discovering Hey Warrior at the library, I simply had to buy our own copy. The best explanation of anxiety for kids (and older) that I’ve found. Gentle and beautiful, without blame or shame, and it plants the seed that anxiety can be reduced, we can have some control.
Colleen M. (verified owner) –
I have experienced panic and anxiety, and I was noticing similar behavior patterns in my daughter such as withdrawal and worry. I gave the stuffy to my daughter I was a bit concerned about. I showed her how to use proper breathing using the stuffy on her stomach as suggested.
I gave the book to all three of my 6-year-olds — yes, I’ve got triplets! They love science so the thorough biological explanations of fight and flight weren’t lost on them. This is a valuable tool for all children. My greatest take-away was to continue to explain to my children that they can teach themselves when to ignore fear and when to listen to it.
Deborah Mc (verified owner) –
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and am using this book and plush toy with my young clients who struggle with anxious feelings. It is well written and so helpful to explain what is happening in their brains.
Jodi (verified owner) –
The book, plush Amygdala toy and strategies taught in the book have been really helpful for my 5yo daughter as she faces separation anxiety. Such a great concept and way to support children to understand and manage the uncomfortable feelings that come with anxiety. Thank you.
Dan P (verified owner) –
Really lovely and thoughtful book. Provides loads of child appropriate information and is incredibly insightful for parents too. 8yo daughter really liked reading it along with the soft toy.
Tracey (verified owner) –
Sent it to my nephew and he is 10. He thought the books was great and he sleeps with the plushy! Thanks for providing such a supportive, educational and comforting gift!
Sami, Xavier, and Revan (verified owner) –
Our family love this! My boys are 7.5 and 5.75 and we have been talking about their amygdala and being brave and helping soothe their over-reactive amygdalas if needed. Letting their brain know they are safe. It’s been amazing.
Mary T (verified owner) –
My 7 year daughter absolutely loves the stuffed animal warrior, she even packs it in her backpack everyday! We have learned so much by reading “Hey Warrior”. She is discovering how to be brave through this book. Thank you!!!
Jen T (verified owner) –
My 8 year old daughter really resonated with the scientific explanation of anxiety. She is so proud of her stuffy Amygdala and shows it to her friends and explains what it does. We ordered a book and stuffy set for her best friend too!
Amanda –
Fantastic book (and such a sweet stuffed “Warrior”)! My nine year old daughter and I have read the book together many times and she has shared it with many important people in her life.