The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.

The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad.

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but.

Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.

The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.

Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.

Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.

‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. ‘And it does tremendous damage.’

It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other.

‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical.

When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems.

It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner. 

The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’

Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger.

Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied.

Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks. 

Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.

Being ignored is just as powerful.

[irp posts=”810″ name=”Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It”]

677 Comments

Anonymous

I would like to hear any advice as they see me now as the villain. It’s not about his transfer but it is the matter of telling me at least before he goes to the Director’s office. Being his Immediate superior, I think I have the right to know about it. I feel that I look very bad in front of the eyes of my colleagues as I could not forgive her. If a person did something wrong to me, I find it hard to forgive and tend to harbor ill feelings towards other people.

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Anonymous

Hi there, I am in a situation that ‘gives’ the silent treatment. It is not between a couple but rather colleagues or friends at work. I am supervising one staff at work and one day, he went directly to the Director’s office requesting for transfer without my knowledge. I was very upset as we were sitting next to each other whole day and he didn’t even tell me about his plans. I was very furious when I learned about it and told him that he made me look like stupid and not letting me find his replacement before he transferred. He apologize but I could not accept it. I was really hurt as I did not expect it. As of now, I just chose to ignore him, not to speak to him and avoid any interactions with him. He’s been telling to our co-workers as well that he already apologize and it’s me who did not accept it. I could not see him as a friend anymore after this and the people around us is saying to forget it. But what about my pain? Is that it? I know everybody makes mistakes but he can choose if he wants to tell me or not. He chose not to tell me being his immediate superior.

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moon1234

i tend to do the silent treatment on my dad. but i dont do it to manipulate or ‘abuse’ him. i tend to do it whenever he has annoyed me (he tends to get too ‘familiar’ or too much when we are on good terms) or after an argument. i tend to do this for 1-3 days depending on the ‘severity’ of the argument. but somehow within that period he’ll get me to do something like clean his car, do the gardening,etc.. and i always tend to sulk or not do it or just stand there sullen. this leads to a huge explosion of rage from him, which further leads me to retreat into my ‘hole’. my mum will always come on the scene and start shouting at me too. she never tries to understand my side – automatically she sides with him. i guess normal for a couple but makes me feel utter dislike towards them both, even if it was only towards him before.

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Sarah

I will admit, I am the one giving my boyfriend the silent treatment. I will start out by saying I love my guy, we are in a very happy and loving relationship. This just happens to be our biggest fight, and the longest. We’ve been having the same argument over and over, and it’s about the way he treats his dog. He puts a lot of the responsibility of taking care of the dog on me, when I was against getting a dog to begin with. He doesn’t see my point, and is very stubborn (a quality we may share…). So I feel as though the only way to get through to him is to make him feel like I’m serious about this issue. and by that, I use extremes like giving him the cold shoulder. I feel like this is so immature, and petty and all the things that it probably is. but I honestly don’t know how else to get him to listen to me.
The other issue is now I don’t know how to come back from the silent treatment. I miss him, I miss his warmth. I miss telling him about my day and this has only been going on for a day or two.We’ve both said what we need to say on the issue, I’ve made my point. I’m still upset. but I don’t know how to get back.

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Sue

My husband gives me the silent treatment when I disagree with what he wants me to do. I am going on over 24 hours of him refusing to be in the same room with me. My daughter hurt her foot and her doctor and trainer recommended an xray. My husband wanted to wait a few days and see if it improves before we xray. I went against his wishes and took her for an xray because my daughter is 16 and wants to know if it is fractured. The treatment is different for a fracture vs a sprain so to us there was no point in waiting it out since it clearly was a significant injury. All of this came after a couple of very stressful days for me and I was probably short and irate with him a few times. I work full time and manage the household mainly on my own and he senses the frustration……but gives me the silent treatment instead of recognizing my stress and helping me. Asking for help usually results in an evasive response……but he might do it much later on his own time. It is not that easy to walk away from a situation like this, but i do realize it is abusive. I don’t want my family to split, but I really don’t know what to do any more. Any input?

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dream

I am really sad with my marriage right now. Me and my husband are facing relationship issues mainly because we have different personalities. He used to be chilled and never ever upset, even if he was at least he wont show . At the moment, he kind of gets into arguments and is showing verbally aggressive behaviours by blaming everything on me. I admit that I cant take emotional stress very well so I just “Silence Treatment”. I feel like I mean nothing to him and he just does it because I am an easy target as I have no family in this country to go to. We have a 2 year old son, I am just fed up now, but I cant let my child to got through without having his dad so I am stuck. He is a great dad, and a great guy. He is a perfect son, brother and friend. Everyone thinks he is calm, and he actually used to be that way. But I guess its only me who he is quite unhappy so he is behaving like this. In the past, he would own up to his fault and would say sorry after couple of days. But I mean, whats the point. I would appreciate him to own up and act quick when I am hurt not when I have accepted that he doesn’t care. He still does the same. I just be quiet and get busy with my life, he would talk to me like nothing has happened. I just don’t know how to react, because I don’t think it’s normal to not solve the issue and move on like nothing has ever happened. He doesn’t like confrontation. I may be at fault at times by just ignoring him, but what do I do. I feel like my head is bursting out of pain and stress. I just want to leave and go somewhere where I can just forget everything. I even tried to talk to him but he takes it lightly and doesn’t acknowledge the pain and consequences.I think now that I am suffering from depression.

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Neha

My inlaws are giving me silent treatment, i do think i have made some minor mistakes like may be not visiting them every week or not calling regularly…but thats how i am..i do not call people very often that does not mean i dont care or i dont love the person.
Now their silent treatment is killing me coz it has crossed the limits..i am ok to go and talk and may be apologies too if they have felt bad for some thing, but my question is it ok to treat some one for being what they are (not calling regularly or meeting every week)….am i wrong here ?? does my normal behavior really deserve this kind of treatment…and what if i apologies and talk and still the things dont change..it would kill me even more..
What should i do ?…talk and try to explain myself or should just involve my self into something and try to get out of it..

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John

This was a favorite tactic of my ex-wife. I finally decided the only way to handle it was to just ignore her too. After a while, it became irritating when she’d talk to me; I much prefer the silent treatment. The day she announced she wanted a divorce was like my birthday. I told her to make it quick, and don’t let the door hit her on her way out. I’ve never been happier with her gone.

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Nonya

About one of the single sorriest things you can do to someone who honestly loves and cares for you is give them the silent treatment when you don’t get your way. You can blame it on pms how they supposedly wronged you. But in the end your mentally ill and you need help. I strongly advise you seek it before you ruin anymore lives

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Anggi

Mostly people here looking for the answer why someone stop talking to you.

Maybe i can say that myself is a queen of silent treatment. Whenever people said something hurt me or make me feeling low or insecure i will directly stop talking to them

Its not that i want to stop talking or i want to hurt her, but i want they know that it hurts me deeply and i dont want they do it more

Its a kind of jerk reaction i know but its my way to protect myself and my feeling from getting more pain. I think if i just keep silent, they will also will do the same. It is the way i want they stop to do.

Maybe you asking why someone stop talking to you, look at yourself and look at what you have done. Maybe you said something wrong or you do something simple that simply hurt her or him.

Nowadays, i even stop talking to my mom because she always think that im useless and always said bad about me even i always try to be good or doing my best.

I keep myself crying at night, i go to doctor alone, i pretend that im happy everyday, i smile like other people but who knows that i am terribly hurt inside.

who will be happy if your own mom even hates you and at that time you wish you never born.

You work day and night even you just to earn a couple of money and you dream to buy her most favorite things or just to buy some food for dad your little brother, it doesnt even worth for her.

I dont do something wrong, i just keep silent and i know i cant control it. So can someone tell me, is it wrong to keep silent rather than saying something that can hurt other people? I guess no

I know its a sin but i am ready to go hell, i know that a mom is god for everyone, but i dont have one. It makes me feel that im a devil that heaven will directly send me to hell when im die.

you are not the reason of someone else sadness or unhappy life.

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Poornima

Hi,
Me and my husband have been married for 14 years now with 2 kids. We live in a joint family with his parents as well. Whenever I disagree with him or complain about his mother or him not sharing any household responsibilities (since I am a working woman), he starts giving me silent treatment. This has been going on for few years now and every time this silent treatment lasts for a month to few months.. no amount of begging or even trying to initiate a conversation hasn’t helped. For the past few months he has again shut me off and doesn’t want to discuss the reasons for his behavior. No amount of family intervention has also helped. After repeated requests he just said that he is tired of my complaints or added pressure on him to share household responsibilities. And also says he’s done with this.
It just shattered me and tore me apart! Counseling for myself did help me to handle the situation.. however he is not ready to come for counseling. how do I make him unload his emotional baggage and try to restart our marri d life again? I am waiting to hear from him for the past 7 months!! I love him so much to the end of earth! I want to help him understand that I have started mending my ways and as well as changing myself to the better.
Should I end the marriage or just leave him and go away? I also quit my job and an excellent career to correct my married life!!Thinking of kids future I dread leaving him..

Please advice

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Susan

MY god! He’s ignored you for 7 months??!!! This creep
Is a selfish narcissistic controller who sulks silently to
Get his way. Pack your bags and leave right away! He’s as stubborn as a mule! You deserve so much better.
Awww poor him and his previous little feelings. Not willing to compromise or discuss.
Free yourself and your kids from this never ending nightmare and move on. Good luck x

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Emily

I was in a relationship off and on for four years, but the only reason that it was like that was because the guy was always breaking up with me and it was always over something that I wasn’t doing good enough in my life. Break ups were always based around me pretty much, everyone that I met who either knew him or were family gave me silent treatments any time I voiced myself that I was feeling hurt or didn’t understand the reason. For some reason they always tried to make me doubt myself, make me feel like I wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t anything worthy really. But yet I would do all these things to try to get validation, acceptance, praise from them..but no matter what I did I would get told what I wasn’t doing right or how it wasn’t good enough. Which I would always cry because it was so hurtful. But yet others that they were friends with were treated differently. It was like I was the target to be abused emotionally and mentally. Sad thing is I was and still am in love with this guy. Even though I don’t understand why he and his family and friends treat me in such a way. If you say you love someone why would you treat and allow others to treat them like that?. My parents started to not like him cause of what was happening and I talked to them alot and got into arguments because as bad as things were I wanted to stay with him. Well even after all I did before he broke things off with me, the only thing he could say was for me to get my parents approval and then he would think about dating me. He never tried to do any of the trying to get approval himself. I had to do all the work. Idk id give him chances but mine were never given if I asked. Ive never had a voice with him, even to this day he speaks for me when he doesn’t know much at all about how I feel.

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Tessa

Hi it seems to me you are undergoing emotional abuse from a man who you dearly love. He and his family and friends make you feel small. I understand because I have felt that way before in my relationship. I thought I loved him so much I would give him chances and would never leave him no matter what. However, I’ve come to realize that nobody can make me feel small unless I’ve allowed them to. I would look in the mirror and tell myself it’s time to stop crying, and actually start loving the person in front of you. You can’t have the capacity to love someone, if you don’t even love yourself. And everyone around you can sense this, including your significant other. That’s why he won’t feel the need to love you. I know it’s hard to belive you are worthy of anything after all the mistreatments and the hurts you’ve gone through, but trust me, you are worthy of love, and you don’t need anyone to validate that for you. At one point in my life, during my darkest days, when I couldn’t turn to anyone, parents or friends, for help, I decided to love myself. Literally hug myself and give myself love despite feeling weak and flawed. Start doing things that make you happy and smile, it only takes one person to change, to change the entire world, and that person is you. If in the end you decide to stay with him or not, know that you have the capacity to be happy. Good luck

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Kat

Recently my boyfriend and I had an argument. He believed something was upsetting me, he insisted he could tell something was wrong and persisted to inquire as to what was wrong. Nothing was wrong with me, I was happy, so I told him this and promised.
However he got angry and said that I don’t trust him enough to tell him what was really wrong. I realised I had some stuff at home going on and maybe the stress from that was showing so I just said there was things at home, but I was okay and happy. Which was true.
He then ignored me. He refused to look at me or talk to me until I asked if he wanted me to go, to which he just shrugged so I left. We haven’t spoken since it was two days ago.
I do not understand what I did wrong. This is not the first time he has just completely ignored me and shut himself off and I am unsure how to proceed.

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Jesse

Wow, this has been a real eye-opener. I just finished giving a close friend the silent treatment for about two weeks because I was pissed off at her that she couldn’t find the time to respond to my messages. I knew I was being a jerk about it but I didn’t care, I didn’t think the silent treatment was that bad. I wasn’t even going to apologize because I didn’t regret what I’d done…but now I definitely will. This is not the person I want to be.

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Amanda

I did the same thing to 2 former friends – but with good reason. We were close, but had drifted apart. Our morals were also clashing, so to save myself (or moral fiber) i decided to cut ties. The fact that neither looked for me (as i was always the one looking for them) made me realize my actions are justified. Both girls were low-key envious of me and my life – and would always say things about my accompliments that made me feel bad. And i’m sorry, but a friend is never supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. Especially if everything i have i worked for, very hard. And both of them were sleeping around and having men buy them stuff. One even got a new car from her sugar daddy.
This was not the type of people i wanted to call friends. So i cut ties and have never spoken to either girl since December 2016.
I think of them a lot – because the one girl i’ve known since we were 5 yrs old (we’re now 30).
So a huge chunk of my life. I sometimes wonder if i should reach out and tell them why i cut them out….but figured it would be insulting to tell them i disagree with their morals and they way they live their lives. Oh well!

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juanitajuniper

That’s very open-minded of you and I appreciate that you realize now how damaging the silent treatment is

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AL

If someone could me (a very caring man) why the woman that I care a lot, someone that I am courting, suddenly gave me the silent treatment. My last plead (via email) was please to let me know what I have done wrong. Although I respect her being silent, I asked her for a face-to-face conversation, but so far the painful silence I got. I have stopped communicating with her, being afraid that I might make the situation worse.

I don’t know if she is confused with the opportunity we can be together or other “negative” host of reasons, such as emotionally manipulating me. I definitely don’t know how to read mind. :-(We have known each other for a long time, and Cupid’s arrow recently hit my heart.

I care for her deeply.

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Amanda

I had a similar situation years ago. I was speaking to a wonderful gentleman online and telephonically. He sounded absolutely wonderful. But my problem was – he was too long-winded. Our phone calls would like 3 hours, and mostly it was just him rambling on and on about what books and poetry he’d read. I get it – he was a hopeless romantic and i always thought i was too. But he was romantic to the point of being obsessed with love, not wanting to be in love (like Orsino’s character in Twelth Night).
Anyway, I ignored him thinking he’d get the hint and leave me alone. He only got the hint 4 years later…. In retrospect i wish i had just told him i wasn’t interested. But that for me seemed too harsh, more so than ignoring.
Maybe your damsel just isn’t that into you?
Sometimes, some stories don’t have a happy ending…. Good luck

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AL

Thanks for the reply. My case is a bit different. We have known each other for years, and she had shown signs and emotions toward me. I had kept myself at hand until Cupid’s arrow hit me recently. Now that my heart is open; she became silent.

Things happen in life for reason; time will tell.

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Gail

I had hard times many silent treatments since 18 years in my marriages. He will angry for very simple things. I stil dont know how to manage this. And now he do it also to my children. We are so confused about how to react to make him “happy” and begin to talk to us. It happened for simple things. For the kids usually he angry about their score at school. He has high expectation for them. He has anger problem and will yell for minutes or hour and continue it with silent treatment. Outside home he act different. Many people like him and adore him. He is a good doctor and very kind person. He also give to the poor people. No one will believe who is he for the real. I really need suggestion for this. I live in a country that has very close relationship with family. He also Christian religious person in reading bible.

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Renee

Get out of the relationship. You deserve better. He is living a lie and using you and the children to cover it up. The truth is he takes out on you everything he is not. He’s insecure about life and needs help. It is a form of emotional abuse, manipulation and control. Confide in someone about what’s going on and then tell him how his actions have made you feel all these years and at this point, you have had it. Tell him to get help and change or you’ll get a lawyer and get a divorce. YOU don’t deserve to be treated like that, NO ONE DOES!

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jack

My wife also has been giving me the silent treatment for the last 13 years of our 18 years of marriage. If she does not get her way,, or takes things the wrong way I get the silent Treatment. Its always my fault, nothing is every good enough, will not talk ,but will put me down through texting telling me I ‘m not a good husband that she deserves better.

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Amanda

If you’re Christian, my advice is for you to 1) pray about it – take it the Lord is prayer
2) speak to your pastor or elders or someone who he admires and trusts about it. maybe he doesn’t realize how he is
3) speak to him in love about it. Maybe he is unaware of what he’s doing?

Sounds like he is suffering from some internal issues. Anyone who acts like this in public and at home is someone totally different is a sign of depression or bipolar… He needs help. But my advice is to PRAY about it first.

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John

Amanda did you read the letter you replied to? This is a man telling how his wife gives HIM the silent treatment. This is the way it usually happens, as this is a favorite tactic of women.

You need to change every pronoun in your response. SHE is the one who needs help.

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adaire

He is showing signs of pathological behavior. It is not like other mental illnesses like depression, it is a defect he has, he created a malformed personality. Usually someone who had childhood trauma and grows up creating coping mechanisms that are flawed ends up a person who is badly emotionally deformed. He is toxic, abusive, and never will get better. If you can’t leave, most people stuck in that kind of nightmare end up quiet and as close to invisible as they can. It is not a life. If there is any way that you can escape, ever a chance to get somewhere better, grab the kids and run for your life and don’t look back. You have to be meek or escape. That is how little control you and kids have with this abusive and nauseous person. You may as well pray so to hold on to something. Even if you don’t believe, do it to calm yourself down and escape in your mind. I’m so sorry you haven’t a better life. Try to find the easiest way for you and kids to live in this one.

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RB

Hello,

My significant other and I had a disagreement over a month ago that ended very badly. After not speaking for a month to let things settle, I contacted him. We share an apartment and I contacted him to discuss what our options were with the lease since he moved out. The discussion turned to pretty much that our disagreement was my fault because I did not have enough faith in him, causing him great grief and mistrust. I apologized and explained my experience in sharing intimate space and where I was lacking. At this time, he admitted that he forgave me and didn’t want to necessarily want to end the relationship, but said it would take him a while to get over what happened. I agreed that we could work on things, but should take it slowly. I have tried to be accommodating in this process, but he is still very distraught over what happened. He repeats that it’s my fault our relationship is like this and that he can’t trust me until I prove I can be trusted. He will sometimes give me the silent treatment or tell me that he doesn’t feel I am anything different than what he experienced when we argued that day. I’ve told him repeatedly that is not who I am and I have no intention of entering that negative space again. While I will always take responsibility for my actions, it is very hard to accept how negatively he see me right now. Is this a normal reaction? Should I allow him to heal however he feels is necessary or will this have no benefit to our relationship in the long run?

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Karen Young

It sounds as though both of you feel as though there is something important you need that you aren’t getting. Sonetimes the best way to be heard is to first of all, listen.

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Amanda

Hi RB
It sounds like your partner hasn’t owned up to his role in the argument. It takes 2 to tango, and you couldnt have had an argument alone. Why is the blame solely on you? And why does he keep harping at it?
If he really can’t get over it or forgive you, why did you two get back together.
While I understand (a bit) that he needs to feel his feelings, it just doesn’t sound like he’s owning up to his part of the fight. After all, there was something he did for you to react the way you did.

In all honesty, my ex fiance did the same thing to me. He cheated on me, so i cheated back . He found out – and all of a sudden, it was my fault he cheated and i was a horrible person for cheating on him. Needless to say he had cheated on me numerous time, and i just kissed some other guy.
This single thing lead to years and years of emotional abuse at his hands. He wore me down, broke my confidence – all becasue of the cheating and him not owning up to his part in the cheating behaviour. Every fight was my fault, I was the one with a problem, I was the one who needed to change and earn his trust. I was the one who couldn’t be trusted.
And believe me when i say, if he doesn’t trust you, he’ll make your life miserable, beacuse you’re constantly justifying everything you do. This is NOT healthy any relationship.
My advise to you is make a clean break – count your losses. I doubt he will get over anything and when trust is broken/lost, it’s hard to start over.
Just my 2c

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adaire

so he cheated, and that means “had sex multiple times”? (right?) and you got mad and kissed one guy…that is not a comparable retaliation. It is like the equivalent of you giving your cheater a little slap, minus the “physical violence”. It is not even mean, it’s mean-lite!
The first red flag was definitely in full bloom when he cheated. His never ending, ever worsening response to your mini-slap, from the moment it began FOR DOGS SAKE A MIGHTY MAN WOULD NOT REACT LIKE THAT. A MIGHTY MAN WOULDNT EVEN CHEAT BUT IF HE DID HE WOULD SAY “Thank you. I deserved that.” to your kissing one guy. That’s what non-cheaters are capable of when cheated on and feeling humiliated! It’s, like, PROOF you aren’t a cheater.

But you know, we gotta admit, your whatshisface (a word I define as “jerk ex”. ) would have found something else to start that frippin rage rollercoaster he needed to be SO BADLY.

My mom says “You’re never angry about what you think you’re angry about” and I agree and add that there are chronically unhappy and angry humans of all kinds who spend their lives shedding endless anger on anything remotely plausibly upsetting. Especially things normal humans do and say. To them, you can never be right. Sometimes people have empathy-related personality disorders that wreak havoc on relationships. That’s what I expected to find when I searched “silent treatment” because people with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and other empathy-lacking peronality disorders like borderline and psychopathic… also sociopaths, well, they see people express sympathy as irritating weakness. Which fills them with anger, which leads them to be, to be blunt, psychological terrorists in relationships. You should google NPD and angry boyfriend rage and learn some of the characteristics of psychological disorders that negatively affect relationships- learn with relief that none of that was your friggin fault! NONE OF IT. YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT PURE LOVE HERE ON OUT.

He is not at all unique. He is not confusing or one in a million…he is one OF a million who all do the same things and say the same crap and hold you in a house of horrors. It is a non-fixable defect: he is a broken person and you survived a length and level of horror worse than death and somehow can still live and breathe. You deserved none of that EXTREME EMOTIONAL ABUSE, yes! it WAS!, that was not at all your fault. You were in a prison in a prison in a prison. Not one speck of blame goes to you-even if you ever let yourself blow up. You were in survival mode. Wow. You are a warrior now. And a victim of a horrible, toxic person’s pathetic typecast rage. Don’t even worry about trying to get over it, and don’t feel bad if you still care! Has it been a thousand years? If you are at this point able to stand up that is massive success. If you feel slight glimmers of being kind of okay every once in a while, that is moving mountains. If no glimmers yet, I hope for you to have one someday and think of this. Remember
You didn’t know. you were lied to. it’s not your fault.

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Kathy

I am going through the same thing with my 2yr old
grandson , his mom won’t let me see him and she is not speaking to me. I spoke to my Dr about it and he said it is emotional abuse and being over 60 I have grounds because I am protected by the Elderly Abuse Laws of my State.I am considering filing charges against her in order to stop the abuse begavior

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Bea J.

My husband does the same thing. I’ve asked him about why he does it. I’ve expressed the pain it causes. However, he denies it even exists.

He is also able to go days or weeks without “connection”, makes for a lonely marriage.

Is there therapy or strategy management that can be used to decrease the pattern?

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Karen Young

Couples counselling might be a way for you and your husband to explore the effect the silent treatment is having on you and your relationship. Otherwise, it’s letting him know exactly the specific behaviors he is doing that is hurting you, and the effect is has on you, and hoping that he is able to understand the damage he is doing and find another way to get his needs in the relationship met. Ask him what he needs from you or the relationship that he might not be getting.

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Jennifer

Be prepared for him to go against couples counseling. My first husband was a controlling, abusive, manipulative and cold hearted man. Although we were best friends and conquered every obstacle, we were unable to save our marriage because he wouldn’t go back to counseling when the counselor wanted to address some of his issues. Throughout the marriage when I found out that he was abusive to my son, my mother and best friend pointed out that I was like a porcelain doll of his that he had brain washed. I thought he was the best guy in the world. He wanted me basically to himself, wasn’t family oriented- he was adopted and hated them all but I am all about family. We moved to WA and 2 years later got a divorce. It was a horrible time for me, suicide attempts, kids manipulated so they didn’t want to be around me and testified against me in court. I was all alone- no friends or family near me. A family broken apart because of selfishness and we were married 15 years.
My second husband had an affair and we separated. I decided to give it another chance and we agreed to counseling. The same scenario- he wouldn’t go back when the counselor started addressing his issues. He was so upset that the counselor was BLAMING HIM.
MY story is that during both of my marriages, I started doing the silent treatment because it got to the point of arguing everyday and never being heard. I did the silent treatment for my own sanity.
Open communication is key and both parties have to be willing to allow for open communication even if it does hurt because that’s the only way it will get resolved.
Moral of the story- 12 years later and I still don’t talk with my first husband and I’m still so angry at him for what he did to me. But I’m suffering because of not having any resolution. I’m carrying my past every day with me and it effects everyone and everything around me.
Silent treatment is not good.

Reply
Ruffy

Hug him for 4 minutes will change him to better. This silent treatment problem is might due to lack of intimate physical contact.

Reply
Sad

My daughter uses the silent treatment on me regularly. It’s just awful, especially now that I have a granddaughter from her. I’ve gotten really attached to her (she’s 2 yrs old), I’ve been babysitting for her for free for about 9 mos., now my little grandbaby is sick, and my daughter stops talking to me for some reason I’m not even sure of. I am so depressed I can hardly stand it. How can she do this to me? I would never do this to her, never did this to MY mother, don’t understand why people do this! Pls reply, I’m really at a loss and don’t want to live without my grandbaby.

Reply
Karen Young

I wish I knew something I could say to make it right. I will never understand why people use the silent treatment, particularly against people who care about them. The problem with the silent treatment is that in shutting down communication, it shuts down the potential to make things right. If you can, ask your daughter whether there is something you have done to upset her, and what she needs from you to allow you access to your granddaughter. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Reply
Anggi

im sorry and i may know the feeling, i am a daughter that give such treatment to my mom,,, i dont know your case but i stop talking to her because she makes me sad by her words and i just do keep silent so she also did the same.. ask to your daughter and look at yourself maybe you did or said something wrong to her or her baby

Reply
Pam

I know all about the silent treatment, and no, it isn’t an innocent thing. It isn’t because they need to cool off and it is definitely abuse of the sneakiest, meanest type there is.
I When you are so angry that you can’t think, yes, walk away, take some time, cool down. But that isn’t the same as the silent treatment.
The silent treatment can go on and on for days and no matter what you do, you can’t end it. Being at the bad end of it is like living in a hell of frustration, hurt, confusion and fear.
You start wondering what it is you did that could cause someone to want to punish you so badly. You feel like it has to be your fault somehow. And you start to do everything you know how to make them see how sorry you are. It is insidious, it is wrong, and it is extremely hurtful. My ex used it on me regularly and no matter how I begged and pleaded and tried to reason with him, he kept on using it. I told him how badly it hurt me, I described the pain of it. HE know without a doubt how much hell it put me through. I sent him an article about how it was considered to be abuse and it was considered a punishment that was never deserved.
He swore he didn’t do it to punish me, he just had to get away from me when I was mad or hurt or for any reason.

I told him if it wasn’t a punishment or some kind of revenge then why did he do it. He know exactly what it did to me, he knew and yet continued it. So yes, it was a punishment and it was a control measurement. It was how he thought he could control me. IT was how he could make me feel that I was the one that was wrong. It was a way for him to make me the bad guy. It was pure evil and completely abuse.
It happened when I got too close to the truth of things, when I started seeing through him too much. It was so wrong in so many ways and it did control me for a long time. I was constantly trying to keep him happy so that he wouldn’t do it anymore. And it never worked, because it wasn’t me causing the problems, it was him. I will never allow that to happen to me again and I would advise any of you receiving that sort of treatment to end it right now. And the ones that are using it, don’t try justifying it, just stop doing it if you care one little bit about the person you are doing it to. Its a vicious, spiteful, demeaning act and it is barbaric. Face your life, the good and the bad and admit you can be wrong too. Get help if you can’t deal, or walk away for good, but don’t play that kind of game, it isn’t love and it won’t bring you love. ITs pure misery.

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Darren F

Absolutely correct My wife does it to me all the time. Thank you so much it was exactly 💯

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Mark

So one person is demanding and critical, so the other responds with the silent treatment. Well, my girlfriend is the one who is demanding and critical, AND she gives the silent treatment. She’ll criticize me for a minor mistake like not calling her back. (She asked me to call her back on the phone, but I didn’t hear her and I didn’t talk to her until I drove home 30 minutes later.) Then she won’t talk to me for three days.

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KaraT

Hi ,

I know this post is not recent but I’m hoping that you might read my comment & have some advice for me 🙂 .

A little introduction : I am 32, living in the UK. I’ve been single for about 2 years now, and have only had medium-term difficult relationships which I knew would never really amount to anything positive & lasting. This is certainly due to the fact that I’ve lived through some very hard experience as a child involving men, and then also as a young adult. I’ve never really come across someone in who I can instinctively trust & see myself really committing to on every level (physical, mental, spiritual… levels). I know this is affecting my relationships & am working on it with a therapist.

After my last relationship I decided to try meeting new people through online apps. I met a few men, some just to chat, others I dated, but nothing serious. This was more of an exercise for me to learn about myself, overcome my shyness, & also have some casual fun, something I had never had during my twenties.
Last summer, I met a guy : we talked a few times & decided to see each other for casual sex. Neither one of us was expecting anything more for many reasons, the most important one being that we both live in different countries. We ended up seeing each other regularly throughout the summer : first times just for sex (which was incredibly good), and then, as time moved on, we’d go out for drinks, dinner etc. all the while talking often (every day, or 2/3 days). I ended up meeting his brother, his close friends, and noticed that when he was a little tipsy he’d introduce me as his girlfriend, and also say that he loved me… At the time I forced myself to not pay attention to this behavior as I also noticed that often, the next day he’d completely change attitude : never being rude or mean, but just distant. He also had mentioned with a lot of insistance that he LOVED being single, that he’d been very hurt in the past, that he loved his life as it was. I would answer to his distance by also placing space between us… and he’d always come back to talk and meet.
At the end of the summer he left, without clearly saying goodbye in person, but still staying in touch. At this point I told myself that this story was great but it was now over. I really saw it as a summer fling, and did not plan to keep in touch.
Once he left back to North America, he went quiet for a few days and then popped back up. First with just random funny jokes, or pics, and then much more frequently with a clear interest in how I was doing, and also sharing his routine & life. Time moved on like this & it felt natural, good, to talk to this person…
In November he suddenly disappeared for 10 days. I did not chase as I had felt that he was being distant, also I had previously shared some random thoughts (trivial topics), to which he had not reacted. He suddenly ressurvaced with a random text along the lines of « hey, you forgot about me… ». At the time, I figured that because I was authentically happy to hear from him I would just answer lightly, which I did. And from then on, he’d talk to me every day. Be it by texts, calls, video calls… every day he’d just talk about all sorts of things : sharing his daily life, pics of his trips, recipes, jokes… calling me when he was with friends to whom he had talked about me, telling me that he’d really like me to come visit, that he missed me, loved me… (this last one only when tipsy).
At this point I was falling… and falling hard. There I was, having this great connection with this guy half way across the world : a connection I didn’t even have with my past partner with whom I had actually lived for 7 years…. This was brand new for me. He opened up about his personal life, his doubts, his want for more in life than what he currently has as a single guy approaching the age of 40… maybe settling down and trying to trust someone enough again to start building something new. I also opened up a bit more about my personal life, my anxiety & the fact that I have a lot to work on (he was really supportive about me choosing to go see a therapist…). For the last 7 months he’s just been there : supportive, fun, easy, kind, inclusive.
So, a couple of weeks ago he told me he would be coming over for the summer. He seemed really happy to tell me this as he asked whether I missed him. I had answered something light but kind which implied that I did miss him and that I was truly happy to hear that he’d be coming back… that I couldn’t wait to see him. I do know that I am not an overly expressing woman when it comes to feelings, but I try to do my best without saying the actual « i love you’s… ». First off because it’s not part of my personality, secondly because I’m really trying to measure whether I really love someone before saying something that I potentially don’t mean, & lastly because he had been very clear that he wasn’t into the whole « love relationship » thing.
Since that, we still talked every day but he was a little more distant : he is very caught up with work (he actually asked me to help him with some advice on work in parallel, so I know that this is something that is big for him), I didn’t pressure him to keep up with the past communication « rituals » we had up until now. He told me he was looking forward to taking a short break from work for the week-end by going on a road trip on his own. He called me right before leaving, or on the road, but I missed his call. I answered when I could , light heartedly as usual. He answered light heartedly, so I kept up the exchange by sending some pics of what I was doing on my side of the planet & sharing some news I had… From then on, he read my messages but did not react. No communication during the whole week-end. I was at first very calm about it all : I know he’s a solitary guy & needs his space, & I’m truly happy when I know he’s having fun in the « real » world, & not just talking to me all day on his phone. But now it’s been 3 days, & when you’re used to talking to someone every day (even if sometimes we don’t say anything groundbreaking lol), it just feels like a/ an eternity, & b/ it kind of hurts… actually. It hurts, not just because I really miss interacting with him, but also because I feel like something is churning & I kind of feel angry at myself for letting my guard down.
I don’t really know what to make of it all : does he just need his space? does he want to see whether I chase or show more affection? is he anxious of us seing each other soon & after 1 year of no physical contact (he might think I have high expectations)? I have a hard time thinking that the latter is possible : maybe because I have insecurities, or because he’s just made it so clear that he is a « manly man ! »… For now I’ve decided not to reach out… but I don’t know whether this is the right approach for this situation. I know that you don’t have all the details (although this is a long post lol, I am trying to keep it has concise as possible), but a little advice, a man’s POV would be great. I know that if we’re not meant to be that’s Life… but I really want to be able to say that I’ve tried everything in the best way possible, so as to have no regrets about f***ing things up. He’s become someone special to me, despite my efforts to stay clear & distant, & I have something inside me says that I should not let him pass by…

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Reply
Dee

I totally understand how you feel! I have been off and on for nearly 10 years with my partner. Of these years we have only lived together for two. I have gotten the silent treatment because of being late for dinner (just one example). I forgot to call ahead to say I would be 15 min. late. When I arrived at their place I would be told to leave and go home. I would have to give me set of keys to their house back. I would have too send them text messages that I was sorry for what I had done, and how sorry I was. They loved it when I would send one sappy poem after another. We went for months even years without talking. Finally out of the blue they would call me. Then they would act as if nothing had ever happened. Then in less than a year the whole cycle would start over. And this is the same pattern they followed in their 28 year relationship before me.
Except their last partner stood their ground and cut off ties.

Reply
Sue N

Kara T.

Your story is almost similar to mines except I know that he is a dismissive avoidant type. You can Google the info on “avoidant attachment” or “dismissive avoidant” to learn more about it.

I am in the same shoe as you, but since I know what I’m dealing with, I am consciously disengaging (eg Chris Martin/Gwenyth Paltrow) myself off of him.

Some therapists/books tells people not to get involve with this type of men as they are manipulative and controlling, but it’s difficult when you don’t know how they are when first meeting them until it’s too late.

All I can do is continue disengage from these leftovers in the dating pool.

Good Luck!

Reply
Poppygarden

My boyfriend of 3 years is currently ignoring me . This is day 3 of my “time out” as he put it. This seemed to be caused by a conversation about my lack of interest in sex lately. I will admit I am less interested as I was in the early days but he takes rejection VERY badly and I feel like I can never say I’m not in the mood without him becoming upset and overreacting. In my opinion he is generally insecure and a little jealous and possessive. I think he has been hurt in the past but has never opened up about it. He will say things like “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me ” and ” you don’t love me anymore” all within the same evening. I feel an almost constant pressure to reassure him and I’m getting tired of it . I know he is ignoring me to try and shift the power balance because he feels powerless at the moment and wants me to feel the same way. I’m very hurt by his behaviour and I know he loves me but can’t understand why he wants to damage the relationship like this instead of work on it .
Any advice ? Should I move on ???

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Farmgal

Me and my boyfriend met when we were 14. We never dated until we were 18 and have dated for two years now. The relationship has been really rocky and it is embarrassing to admit he has cheated with over 13 girls with sexual relationships (nude pics and stuff) and been emotionally abusive. But all of a sudden after i got him cheating again (girl 14) he just stopped talking to me, didn’t break up with me or whatever he just stopped communicating a week ago. I deleted his contacts and pictures but i really don’t know how to feel.
-farmgal

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Sempiternal

I’m a bit confused whether I’m also then engaging in some form of avoidant abuse. I will talk about one particular case where I decided ignoring was the best and most diplomatic solution. I made this friend last year who is generally a very laid back, tolerant and generous person and at the start of our friendship I detected his tendencies to get clingy but it was something that didn’t seem like an issue back then as we would mostly hangout in a group of mutual acquaintances (later, I came to learn that it’s best to associate with clingy people in groups). However, with time we became closer as we also started talking more online and it would get a bit tiresome because he would never stop chatting. He could chat for over eight hours a day without losing his sanity.This got a lot worse as we became closer friends.

I’m quite antisocial as noted by others but I’d say I’m more of a quiet and private person who doesn’t like hanging out with people much unless I’m very comfortable with them and they have some sense of space. My interactions with my friend got more one-on-one after a few months so clinginess just magnified. This friend of mine is aware of all that but he keeps following all my activity online, the moment I’m a bit amiable and open he keeps messaging about things he can just google up or ask someone else (most of them were conversation-starters I realized later) and he keeps doing whatever the hell I’m doing all the time. In university, when I was still friendly with him, he found it alright to follow me around when he thought I didn’t notice, in the classroom he’d always keep tabs on me- who am I talking to, where I go off wandering after all class without him, where I’m looking, what I’m drinking, who am I being friendly to, what I am looking on my phone, if I’m messaging someone ( he would always sit next to me, so he would read my messages and keep me in his line of vision 24/7) and I couldn’t breathe from how weird, possessive and watchful he was in the classroom. When I was with him, I felt like I was constantly monitored and he was always mirroring my normal actions (eg drinking water or the way I was sitting). I literally couldn’t stand or sit anywhere without bumping into him. In his presence, whatever I’m doing seems to automatically become his business too and these are some examples of his behavior around me. I’ve on many occasions conveyed to him through my actions that I dislike being tailed and I prefer being alone but the moment i’m just a bit friendly or I respond to him it’s all back to almost square one.

I would say he’s still a very nice and open-minded individual but I can’t stand his intrusiveness and his lack of sense of boundaries. I don’t want to completely find him detestable so after a whole semester of dealing with that kind of behavior this year I’ve decided to call stop responding/talking to him as drawing a distance didn’t work with him before. He still keeps messaging and all but I’m hoping he will stop someday. He’s quite blockheaded but he did pick up that I was very irritated and angry somewhere along the way but it didn’t really stop him from getting in my way/being intrusive either.

After reading this article, I’m wondering if my measures are wrong? All my life, particularly in my family, my sibling and probably also my closest friend had always frequently ignored and verbally abused me whenever we disagreed on sth and she wanted to ‘change’ me or control my actions often through silent treatment. I think as I’ve grown older I’ve come to deal with people who seem toxic or are generally pieces of shit to me by forever cutting off all contacts with them. I’m not pinning it on her but from some of our exchanges I feel like it’s the best way of dealing without drama. Some have reached out a few times but I ignored it all in order to stick to my decisions. Is my way of dealing with said people wrong?

Reply
Karen Young

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pull away from a relationship, but the other person deserves an explanation, or a ‘heads up’ that you would like to take some space. It’s confusing a cruel to just pull away from someone without letting them know. Most people will tend to spend a while wondering what they did wrong, which can feel painful and confusing. Just cutting someone off can feel as though it’s avoiding drama for you, but if the other person has genuinely acted towards you from generous intent, it will feel painful for them. Have a conversation with your friend and just point out that it’s important for you to feel as though you have your space. Let her know this isn’t personal, but it’s something that’s important for all of your relationships.

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Karen Young

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pull away from a relationship, but the other person deserves an explanation, or a ‘heads up’ that you would like to take some space. It’s confusing a cruel to just pull away from someone without letting them know. Most people will tend to spend a while wondering what they did wrong, which can feel painful and confusing. Just cutting someone off can feel as though it’s avoiding drama for you, but if the other person has geniunely acted towards you from generous intent, it will feel painful for them. Have a conversation with your friend and just point out that it’s important for you to feel as though you have your space. Let her know this isn’t personal, but it’s something that’s important for all of your relationships.

Reply
NBD

I have complex ptsd from years of abuse and abandonment into the foster care system. I met this man, he helped me pick myself up, I trusted him, I opened up to him, he was the first person I have opened to, he was the first and only person to ever love me and now he’s killing me. He keeps giving me the silent treatment, volunteering to do things i don’t even ask for but he doesn’t do them, he say he’ll call but he doesn’t call and when i ask why he ignores me for days sometimes weeks and then he comes back like nothing happened. It was my birthday 2 weeks ago he didn’t wish me happy birthday, i sent him a note saying I had hoped to hear from him, he ignored me, for days he ignored me. Then he finally contacts me to tell me he angry with my incessant emails. I told him I can’t handle being ignored or the silent treatment, i told him it is triggering me, he ignored me. I have become so depressed i can’t even go to therapy because i cant function, i can’t sleep or eat, i’m dissociating because i cant handle the pain. he knows this. I finally sent him an email and said i cant deal with this, i said goodbye, he responded, he say he’d call today but he didn’t. i was finally let go and he does it again and i don’t know what to do, he;s killing me please help me

Reply
Karen Young

Is this the type of relationship you want? This man has shown you who he is, and no amount of chasing or wishing he was different is going to make him that way. You say you don’t know what to do, but there are two choices – to stay or to go. Is this the relationship you want? If this is how you want to be treated, stay, but accept that this is the way it is, because he clearly has no interest in changing. If you want more (and you absolutely deserve more!), than let go. He’s not going to change, but you can.

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Shasta

My sister is my only employee in a residential cleaning business. Worst decision I ever made, 15 years ago!! She has always shut down which I thought was due to her just being an unhappy, depressed, miserable person. While that is true, it’s driving me CRAZY!!!
We work together 5 days week/5 hours a day and what used to be a day or 2 of complete silence, has now become 4 or 5 and if and when she decides to talk, it won’t be until 10 minutes prior to the end of the day or week.
I already know she hates me (should’ve offered her more than 50% of the earnings) and that she’s a narcissist BUT~
My question is this~When SHE decides it’s time to talk, do I reply? Make it known that I am nothing like her? Or try my hardest to NOT reply? To treat her as she treats me?
PLEASE HELP!!

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Karen Young

I’m not surprised this is driving you crazy! When deciding how to respond, pay attention to your intentions. If you were to ignore her, what would be your intention? To ‘get back at her’ or to punish her, or to protect yourself. Let this guide your response.

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Why?

I am going mad. I can’t take it anymore. I want to survive but I’m in a very dark place right now. I am feeling new pains, new emotions, and having new fears and uncertainties. I am going back and forth and up and down, going crazy because I don’t know what’s going on or why I am being given this incredibly harsh silent treatment. I am incredibly unfortunate to be on the receiving end of this mental torture by the person who helped me through a previous instance of this very abuse. They have intimate, privileged knowledge of what makes me tick and they know full well I am so afraid of experiencing that again, I am on constant alert and always trying to avoid it as much as possible. And he promised and swore with tears in his eyes that he’d never ever do this to me. He’s doing it and implementing every dirty trick that exploits everything I entrusted him with. On top of the already devastating pain of the treatment itself, there is blinding rage due to that question haunting me…”why? How could he do this to me after helping me through this very torture and agreeing it was uncalled for and completely unnecessary?” I am obsessed with this. I can’t seem to let go. Everybody tells me to simply stop pleading and to get on with my life but I cannot get over the big question marks everywhere and the toxic feeling of complete shock that someone I trusted so much finds it incredibly easy, probably even enjoyable, to watch me suffer like this. How can people be so evil? I feel like my stomach is eating itself from within and I feel so full of despair, I feel like I’m dead but the pain’s intensity is what’s keeping my vitals running and running and running.

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Lauren

My boyfriend of two years does this to me all the time. We will have an argument (which is usually about his level of commitment or if he hasn’t contacted me on a night out – can I just add this is an agreement with have with each other that applies for both of us when we go out, which I always stick too!) and then he will not talk to me for days, weeks even (we don’t live together) until I contact him and beg him to talk to me again. I feel crushed most of the time. Its so hard. Sometimes I feel like I need to just walk away for good but I love him.

Reply
Pam

IF they loved you they would not do that. No one that truly loves you would want to hurt you.

Reply

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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