If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
I keep coming back to this article and it really is my life. I have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. In that time we have had two children. He was drunk at both of their births.
I have lived in this fantasy world that if he got sober (and that he could) everything would be better and we would have this perfect family. My children would have their father and we would have a great family. Instead after 6 rehabs over 3 years he continues to blame me for all his problems (as do his family). He recently told me that if I just showed him more love he would be okay. This after he spent 6 months in a rehab away from me and the children and then drank the next day. I made sure that everything carried on normally for the kids and all he could do was complain about how cold and horrible I am
What I dont understand is why i just can’t walk away from him – maybe I am the toxic person in thihs relationship. He has not been living at home for a year and I have filed for divorce but a small piece of me really wants the family to still work out. I allowed him to come on holiday with us for the kids to have their father on xmas. The whole holiday he basically ignored me or simply grunted. I was so hurt that he made no effort emotionally. He will cook meals and that is mean’t to show me that he cares.
He shows no emotion and blames me for everything telling me how cold and unaffectionate I am and how I am controlling etc. He was sober the whole holiday and has been for 2 months.
Now I feel like I am tearing apart a family for no reason as he could stay sober. Yet another part of me feels I really deserve to be loved and cuddled and be the most important person to someone. Instead withh him I always feel second best and he admits he resents me. If I am crying he will walk out the room and tell me that it makes him feel like he is wrong and that irritates him. He never consoles me.
Why can’t I simply make a clean break and forget this ideal of a perfect family. How do I move on without the guilt
I’m not sure if I’m crazy? It it’s wrong. I was going to get married, to a pretty great guy! I mean we had our issues,but he was kind. Then his best friend convinced me he wasn’t a great person and that he was the best thing for me. Talked about pedestals and loving me deeply for me. Talked to me morning noon and night it was fresh air from previously feeling ignored (one of the issues) and I left my fiancé and then started dating the friend. It was intense and the love and compassion was strong and I had never loved and been loved so deeply. It was.. some of the best days of my life. He talked about making my dreams come true and the future and he made me feel so special, but one day everything changed. And now he’s mean he makes horrid comments about me being a whore or him cheating and then when they upset me says they are jokes and gets disgusted that it upset me. But he makes these jokes all day. The love stopped the talking stopped the kindness stopped. He never stopped talking to his ex and we watched a video on his phone and her text popped up saying “missing you to” he deleted the feed then dumped me when I asked why he deleted it. Promptly undumped me, he won’t hang out with me in town but insists on going a state over (20 minutes away) I’m not allowed to post anything or pictures of him or us together on Facebook yet his ex keeps posting pictures. He ditched me christmas and up went a photo of him at his exes, which he says is old but I’m sure he’s still with her to. But I have no proof and it makes me feel crazy. Idk where his love went but I feel like it’s my fault. The harder I try the worse it gets if I stop trying it gets even worse. I just want the love back. I used to be bubbly and cheery and now I’m deeply depressed, scared to leave lest he accuse me of cheating (again) and scared to even text. We fight constantly (mostly about me doing or saying something wrong or getting upset that he is so meAn. But occasionally I get a glimpse of the past and it keeps me coming back. Am I crazy?
Beatrice you are not crazy, but it sounds to me that you are living in the past. Read back to yourself what you have written, and then ask yourself if this is the way you deserve to be loved. It’s not. You deserve to be treated with kindness and love. You deserve to feel secure and you deserve not to have jokes made about you. You have been dumped, undumped, and you have good reason to be suspicious. You have plenty of proof that this relationship as it is at the moment isn’t healthy. Even bad relationships have moments of happiness, but that doesn’t mean they are the right ones. You deserve more than this, but as long as you keep going back to the relationship that hurts you, the one that can make you happy won’t find you. What would you do if you loved yourself first?
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for nearly 20 years. I fell in love with a person that from day one has done me wrong. Lying, cheating, stealing, etc. and to top if off was on the road to becoming a full fledged drug addict. I now have a 10 years old child with this woman. I have raised him and have custody since age one. She’s been to prison twice since his birth.
IF ANYONE HAS READ THIS FAR PLEASE HELP ME!
I have spent these last 10 years holding on and wishing this person would change even giving her the open door to stability and a settled life with me and our son after both her short prison terms. I’ve even lost other relationships because of her. I hold on….. I hold on because the thought of us as a family and her sexy stylish feminine ways keep me in my lust for her. Her way of manipulating and controlling me is with sex. Yes sex! And Even though I’ve had other woman in my life my mind is always on her.
It goes way heyond this though. My story is a long and painful journey with a woman who destroyed her life and has nobody left (family) but me and her son and boy has she taken me on a ride. I always try and be her friend and it ends up with her throwing herself at me In the bed to keep me without being able to move on with my life.
I haven’t lived with this woman in two and a half years but I always let her manipulate me with sex.Every time she does and I realize that my fantasy of having a family with her is not possible I break and destroy myself. When I tell her she needs to go and we cannot be she becomes a cold cold, selfish, self centered and knowing exactly how to break me. Almost making me feel like her life without me is so much greater and leaving me doubting my own.
Recently I let it happen again father a few month break and thinking that I was beginning to let go. But no, here she comes and there I go giving in to her manipulative ways. This last time she told me she had to see if she loved me or not after I tell her to go. She said ” yea I don’t love you had to check one last time.
IT FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME SHE HURT ME LATELY! This woman has broken my spirit as a man and has left me broken. I’m suffering inside and am trying to let go but feel like I can’t and will never remake my life with someone who will truly love me for me. She is as toxic as it gets for me and I hate myself for being so weak to not have let go a long long time ago. She has battered my self esteem and I feel I’m not worth it. No matter the great, stable amazing man and father that I am I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to be home with me and her son.
She is actively going to methadone clinic and is still in her own destruction. I guess I’ve been wanting to save her life but it’s left me with a completely diminished sprit.
If you think this woman is doing all this negative stuff to you think what your 10yr old has been through and that’s his mother. I’m sure he would like a more stable happy relationship with her too but I can’t imagine he’s getting it. If you can’t break away for yourself do it for your son who your currently teaching it’s ok to be treated so poorly. Would you be happy to see him married to a woman like her? No… time to break the cycle of misery and go show you and your boy that you don’t need abother person to make you happy so why should you put up with not being happy? Wish you all the best.. there’s more to life than sex
Thank you for your thoughts for a better way for me and my son beanz. I’m lately extremely depressed and feel alone as ever without the same old shit with her. Sometimes when she’s not around I’m At peace. Yet when I get that lustful taste of her I’m back to step one and knowing she has taken control once again. And she knows it because I let her know I’m broken.
My social and family circle is not too big and far from the norm. My support team is barely visible. I can’t stop thinking about her and what she does or who she’s with possibly enjoying her life and having fun and in here suffering. But then I also realize how much she hates herself and her life and think she’s just in her box suffering with herself as well? Im not quite sure of where this will end but sometimes I feel as if I won’t make it past this point in my life and thus will steal my life away. I will never find love again or the wife my heart desires I feel. Im too broken and feel ashamed and worthless because of all this time wasted in someone like her. I feel she will be happy even though she’s such a hiorible person and I will be torn for ever. I just survive for my son but my loneliness is slowly killing me.im a broken man beanz. Thee is more to my pain that stems from a torn family of my own with my father being gone in my early teenage years. I don’t mean to ramble on and I’m not looking for pity. Im just lost and feel I have no support so I’m searching wherever possible. Thank you again.
Dont apologise it’s why we’re all here nestor looking for answers to questions we can’t answer for ourselves because the hurt is so blinding and the loneliness of the situation gets to much at times to bare…. Some things you say mirror a place I was in.. its not a nice place to be and at my lowest it was fade away or get up and keep moving for my son. My toxic relationship with his father landed me a broken hyoid bone and him 3yrs inside and allas I still care for the man… there’s that side to them right? That amazing perfect side that we so love lust and crave… feels a rarity to hold it but when we do it makes all that hurt dissappear for a time and in that time the weight of all the pain is gone… I crave the break from all the hurt and yet went to him to seek relief because he was the one causing it. I also feel bad to give up on someone I care for… on my journey of self discovery I’ve learned that just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real..that it’s not my fault.. I’m not a bad person for saying no more thankyou.. I can love a person and not put up with how they treat me because in the end of the day I have to love me first. That im not alone no matter how small my circle which like you is extremely small and really have only me to rely on. I have my kids and they are my everything. Being alone and being lonely are two different things with one thing common. They are both thoughts.. I’m learning it’s the thought that creates the emotion.. and yet it’s us that holds the power to change our own way of thinking about any given thing.. change the thought process change the emotion right… put this thing with her away for awhile and just tell yourself yano il revisit that another time when I’m stronger it’s not going anywhere anyway right and then use the spare thinking time to throw yourself into other things…reading self motivation soul search find you what u like who u are and want to become. Do things with your son who I’m sure needs the break to talk to him bout how u feel he is a great friend if you let him my 16 yr old is my best buddy. Ul soon find after so long not tormenting yourself with thoughts of just her that there is much better use for your time…. I’ve stopped trying to fight my empathetic side I’m always going to be to caring and forgiving but I’ve also learned one massive thing I never seemed to get before… I put all my time n effort into the betterment and love of others yet I don’t give myself the same treatment? How silly is that? 🙂 I’m a person too I deserve love and respect too who better to love and respect me than me ay! Love yourself nestor. Don’t waste the short time we have on this earth being horrible to the one person on this planet that’s got your back when there’s no one else around…you!! We are in charge of our own happiness. X
Wow! Thank you so. I have for another caring response.
I believe my pain stems from my first marriage that didn’t work and also involves a child. My first son who is now 21. I was 23 when I walked into an empty apt. we were living in. His mother only 20 at the time wasn’t ready for that type of life (family life) . She wanted to party and met someone else and just walked away taking my son who was my life. I believe that started this pain and sorrow within me. I shortly started my relationship with this new woman we speak of believing she loved me and truly cared. She was a few years older than me, was in the process of starting a career and I just fell completely head over heals. Only to soon realize I wasn’t at the top of the list in her priorities. We would go out with friends we were both aquanted with and at times she would want to leave the party or gathering with me always flirting and loving the attention she recieved from others. These moments were some of the worst at the beginning. Her desiring others instead of me. I would break up with her and what do you know here she came looking for me and if it wasn’t her it was me. It was back and forth for a while until she really well all in to her drug addiction. She started getting arrested and going to jail for short moments. Few months here and there. I would take care of all her belongings and go see her and answer her calls. Upon one of her releases and living in a halfway house she visited me and this is when our son was conceived. How freaking stupid was I!! She went back to jail unknowing she was pregnant and then a few months into her stay was tested and we found out. She was ordered to a live in rehab until the baby was born. Thank God! This saved our son from a pregnancy with her using and abusing drugs and destroying his brain.i would go see here and she would give me promises of her being ready to change and how different things were gona be. I had an apt. waiting for her and the baby. I was ready to start a new life with her only to find a few weeks after she was home her using opiats once again. I left her as hard as it was. Our son was only 6 months old and one of the hardest things I ever did. I love my boys and am a family man, a loving father who had my dream of my own family, my wife and support, my kids and our fun adventurous life full of love and encouragement. Shortly after he left her legal troubles once again started and I saw my opportunity to take my son. I did and have had custody of him since age one. She went and served prison time trying to sneak in drugs into a jail. Recieved a year and a day in prison for it. When she was gone of course I started receiving the letters of sorry and I love you and she’s gona change and my dumb ass believing it and writing back and going to visit.
Here I am 10 years later and trying to move came on???I feel so exhausted and knowing that I have to deal with this person because of our son makes me hate everything good I have. Through go all this time I’ve managed to still pick up all the pieces and find success and stability in my life. Yet my spirit is broken. I’m trying to find the strength and you know what’s funny is that there’s been times for instance when I made her leave about 2and a half years ago I felt peace knowing I didn’t have to put up with her drama and chaotic behavior. Where I’ve went wrong is continuing to see her on and off sexually and expecting her to be more loving and caring or change her ways. Nope! She is still stuck and to this day is at a Methadone clinic every morning to start her day. She lives with her old step dad who has took her in fortunately for her because she has no living family left to help her.
I appreciate your advice and I’m trying my hardest to be strong for my boys. I have had my oldest in town visiting from college these last few weeks and spending some time with both. It’s been nice but I’ve been really empty inside regardless. Last night me and my little guy actually camped out in the back yard with a fire and iPad movie on Netflix. He was so excited.. I was pretty cool. Im trying my to find my strength and push on.
I think being Im on vacation and took some time off work has affected me too. At work I’m always active, working out and in front of the Atlantic Ocean. Fresh air and life. Being home during these holidays and processing things have been hard. The loneliness his and steals my joy. I’m trying beanz, believe me I’m not giving up. I just pray one day I’m past this and God gives me the wife my hearts desired since I was a young man. It’s all that’s missing in my life. It’s all I’ve wanted. I see so many out there who have one and yet don’t appreciate her and are unfaithful. But she’s right there always as his backbone even if he is doing her wrong. I don’t get it?? It baffles my mind not understanding how humans work. Anyways didn’t mean to ramble on and on about the same stuff. Thank you once again for your kind and caring words. I will try and push myself today and find some strength and joy in my life. Thank you Beanz
Your welcome I mean we are all here in similar boats getting to understand your situation in turn helps me look at my own and that helps me appreciate the differences again some of your experiences mirror my own and I too wonder how being this loyal n caring winds me up on my own with 2 kids when others are married and cheat or seemingly have it all but yano along my journey through all this I’ve found its staying in that perpetual cycle of negative thoughts gets me nowhere but feeling more rubbish than I do anyway… change the thought pattern change the feeling… so you and your boy had what’s sounds like a really awesome night camping 🙂 you live near the ocean? And you camped under the stars with what sounds like the most important person in the world to you ….wow…. breath them happy thoughts in for a moment.. now take yourself to a parallel universe somewhere and your wife is there on that same night…would you have had the same amazing night would your boy have loved it as much would you have even camped at all or would you have spent that time feeling anxious upset put down or just negative in any way? Which night would you choose? Go watch noah elcrief on loneliness on youtube it really helped me he said something that really kinda made sense it went something like this if you had two choices one was you could have the love of your life forever but you’d always feel hurt upset belittled etc or two you would be alone forever but always happy content and loved which would you choose? Well we would choose two right? Other people don’t create our happiness…We do…. its all just a way of thinking if you attach negative meaning to santa you’d always hate santa right? But santa isn’t bad 🙂 being lonely doesn’t have to be a bad thing… what’s so wrong with takin time out to work on you? Be with your son before he grows up and leaves to start his life…These are the best years. Another thing I tell myself everyday is nothing ever stays the same look back over your life and it’s a journey that’s always moving forward someway or another everything changes year to year month to month new jobs homes pets.. kids milestones. .. always moving forward.. nothing stays the same.. This too shall pass… stay strong buddy 🙂 we can do this
Your article really spoke to me. I am leaving, for the second and final time . He managed to kill my love for him, which makes me feel healthier. But up until tonight, I have been pushing back, stronger and stronger foolishly believing that if I am strong enough he will hear me. I now finally realize thats not going to happen. Nut tonight I was really mean. It started out with me once again hoping he would hear me, but as usual he turned the tables and made the failure of our relationship my fault and the. I just became angry. I had spent the day packing and organizing my move and felt resentment that his inability to be a decent and loving person has put me in such a difficult position. But now I am just wracked with guilt and so angry at myself for saying such hurtful things. I know better. And I especially know in my calmer moments that for whatever reason, he cannot help being what he is. I suppose I am writing this hoping that you will tell me my behavior was understandable or anything else that will assuage my guilt and diminish the anger I feel towards myself.
I hear you Moving Forwards. I, too, have unreasonable expectations of myself even though I tend to set the bar too low for others. It is very hard to contain suppressed anger and resentment, especially when your buttons are being pressed and you feel completely unseen. Your reaction is more than understandable, it is basic human emotions. Allow yourself to be imperfect and even embrace that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You are being pushed because you are doing the right thing in setting healthy boundaries and some people don’t like that!
How do you leave a toxic relationship when you kids, no money and no where to go? I’m desperately trying to leave; not only for my mental state but for my health as well. I NEED to leave but I honestly have no way out!
Speak with the welfare agencies in your area. They will have the resources and contacts that will help you with a strategy. I know this isn’t easy, but there is help out there.
Sad,
You just get up and go! Don’t think about it. I recently had to face the same situation as you. Narcissistic family brought me into a narcissistic relationship and when I finally had enough I had nowhere to turn. Limited income due to a child on disability as well as another child wh both of their needs we’re and is still what chews up my finances. The state I lived in could offer me no help, or defense in my situation. All shelters were full which was my only chance at getting immedesimazione help. With just $40.00 ish in the bank I took off the overdraft protection on my account and at once over drew it until I couldn’t anymore. I packed some clothes, a cooler with food, and my kids and began to drive with no destination. Miles and miles away from home and everything I had ever known as well as no friends or family around to help or back me up I threw a dart at the map and just landed in any place I saw fit. I found a shelter to take us in and while I was there sought out help from that states government. Within 3 weeks I was out of the shelter and into my own place on the road to find the me inside that needed to come out and rescued the shell of me that I had become. I have never been happier nor had I ever felt how beautiful and intelligent that I was (and some nice people in my life would often remind me that I was even though I never bothered to see it for myself at the time) until I was happy. I started to let all my telents and intellect shine in this new life I am building for myself, the same tallents and intelligent that I had hidden from the world because I was always put down for them as well as for the way my mind works and thinks. After that experience I now feel that I can achieve anything in this world that I choose. It was the healthiest most empowering moment of my entire life and the scariest decision I ever made while I thought about what would happen if I didn’t find shelter or help, would I had ended up in my car on the streets or worse my kids taken away because I was not financially stable enough to care for them? I think showing the way I battled to save them and myself from a toxic life is what actually made the difference to prompt complete strangers to help me get through this. Believe it or not millions of people live in this exact situation daily some don’t even realize it because of how accustomed they have gotten to a life like this giving that it’s all they had ever known and seen growing up and all around them as it has both hereditary and environmental factors. So show your strength and your beauty for yourself and your children and stop wondering what will happen if you leave but rather if you stayed! Be strong for all who face this very battle and share your story as I have with you! Give others the strength and encouragement they need, the same strength and encouragement that you are seeking right now. I’ve never been happier, I’ve never been so brave, I never felt accomplishment as a mother as I do today. It isn’t easy! The shelter was pretty tough too as it was not a life I was accustomed to but once you make it past them hurdles you will feel that same as I do. My only battle now is that my oldest child (7) shows signs of this narcissistic behavior that I now am aware of and I absolutely hate so much. The lies and manipulation used to get his way is unbareable! I find this trait coming out in myself only towards him to exercise my authority and try to shut down his need to control everything and in both cases of myself and him I don’t like it. I don’t know how to change him so he don’t grow to hurt people like me such as his kids or his lover or if I can change him, but our relationship is being damaged because as much as I love him ever so dearly I honestly can say I hate everything about him too. This is my own child! Do you now how hard and long I have fought to protect him and raise him right? I don’t like to think I could hate my own child especially because I love him so very much but just as if it were a lover that all of us have experienced this is the truth. I can rid a relationship so toxic with a lover or adult family member but what do you do when it’s your own child? Do you keep fighting or do you give him up for adoption or to the narcissist members of your family that you just ran from? Any advise would help!
Good luck to all of you on your journey to build up enough strength and courage to change your situation. Remember that getting up and leaving a toxic life is something you have to do blindly and not think to hard about (unless it’s a minor child your questioning).
Thanks for the super-inspirational story Hope. I wish you all the best, and really hope things work out for you and your children.
Please use your beauty, intelligence, awareness and courage to not give up on your 7-year-old! Do not underestimate the devastating effects of parental narcissism or even the impact of having a sibling with a disability. He sounds as though he has learned these ways in order to get his needs met. If you can detach yourself for a moment and try to identify those needs, perhaps you will be able to model and support healthier ways of getting these needs met. If he senses your hate, as kids usually do, I imagine it will only strengthen the existing patterns of behaviour.
It may help you to remember that all behaviour is a form of communication, and also that sometimes (dis)ability is hidden.
All power to you and your little family!!!
Thank you. I am really trying to be patient and understanding of him and his needs but at the same time my son has learned his ways from my narcissistic mother and it scares me because as previously stated in the article we love the person we are in this toxic relationship with and we stick around hoping it will change but it never does. This fact scares me. There is always friction between us. I do believe that he also has other disabilities that have gone undiagnosed and I am working on getting someone to run the tests needed to get this diagnosis. He is mean, he tends to be mean to his sister who don’t walk or talk and is helpless when it comes to defending herself so then I do what he does to her to him so he will react and say I’m mean and then I tell him well this is what you are doing to her and if you don’t like it than don’t do it to other people. It don’t sink in for him because 10 minutes later he’s doing it again and he is also starting to feel like I’m picking on him. I’ve tried many approaches with him and so far the only thing that seems to work is taking away materialistic things (he is selfishly materialistic) but this also only works for the moment. I yell to assert my dominance as the parent but honestly it gets his attention and upsets him and stops him in his tracks or again for the moment but has no actual effect on behavior other than him resenting me. If I punish him and tell him to go sit in his room or go to bed he will scream so loud and cry so loudly that my neighbors think I am beating him. I’ve tried a spanking or two or three but he went to school one day and told the teachers “my mommy hits me” and I had CPS at my door questioning abuse. Granted I left a red mark above his bum but I only spanked him after 3 days of warning him I would if he kept repeating his behavior during our morning routine and so on that 3rd day I did and it was 5 mins before school. CPS said that what I did was fine and I just need to not leave marks but we are very light skinned and it’s virtually impossible not to. It was opened handed and on the bum and I was disciplining him so the case was unfounded. He pulls these screaming fits everywhere we go. Going out in public is an embarrassment and more trouble than it’s worth. I’ve had relationships fail because my partner “hates my child”. I’ve tried one on one bonding and explaining to him as a friend why I make rules and why he just can’t do whatever he wants but again nothing processes and that one track mind is thinking about everything else other than what I say to him. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to spend time with him anymore, I don’t want to take him anywhere, and I distance myself from him to avoid him and I having conflict that is only going to cause him to resent me more. He sees how I don’t have this problem with my other child but then again don’t understand that she don’t talk and therefore don’t behave the way he does. He has an IEP and many services to help him and academically is doing way better than a year ago and I’m proud of him and I encourage him and tell him this at every chance I get and then I show him with these examples the difference in outcomes when he does well and behaves well oppsesd to when he don’t. Again it dont sink in that brain of his and he does what he wants no matter the repercussions. Things he does and gets in trouble for he will just keep repeating over and over such as playing with cigarette butts in the community ashtray, picking up the nastiest garbage from the ground, excessively knocking on a neighbors door every 5 minutes, repeating himself over and over again because I didn’t answer him right away because I am busy with something else and when I stop and explain to him why these things are not ok or healthy and the possible outcomes of doing these unhealthy things he just ignores what I have to say and interrupts me with a question completely off the subject. I’m at my witts end with this child but I love him so very much that I could never give up on him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. His father once told me that as a child he was very angry and him mother put him in counciling which onlyade him angrier and I have a half sister who went through the same thing so I have tried not to go that route to its fullest extent other than through the school councilors. His behavior makes me run and hide in my room so I can lower my stress and anger towards the situation which is not healthy for our family either. I understand that there are many factors that contribute to this behavior negatively but they are also unchangeable factors that must be worked around. At this point I am desperately seeking a resolution to save our relationship but I just can’t find one anywhere.
Have you tried visual aids for good behaviour such as a star chart? Children usually respond well when they can see progress toward something they want so say 10 stars erm a small toy have the chart set up so there is a picture of what he wants at the end stars are rewarded for good behaviour and taken away for bad and he don’t get the toy till the stars fill up? Kids can definitely sense when they are disliked in the family unit sounds to me like your doing all you can though. Have you ever asked him why he behaves so badly…wonder what his thoughts are on the matter? Stay strong hun… It won’t always be this way I promise xx
Yes, with the chart he became worse because he always expected a reward even when he bahaved badly. The crying and screaming was horrible if he didn’t earn his reward. I even tried buying the toy first and then letting him earn dollars to buy it from me that way he learned how to save money and always knew he was making progress even if he had a bad day. I have asked him. His answer is always I don’t know. Today he come home from school and was in a bad mood but didn’t know why. Was mad if I asked and even went into full tears because he just didn’t know what was bothering him and was upset that I kept asking because he did not have an answer. Some days are good and some days are horrible. He snaps at me and gives me an attitude like a grown man which he picked up from me (when I have pms) I’m sure. I know it won’t be this way forever but I wish we could over come this behavior soon because it is really hurting our relationship and I don’t want him to grow up this way and think that his behavior is ok.
Sounds like you try everything hun behaviour is learned so whatever he’s been subjected too in early years he’s picked up and it’s going to take some undoing all I can suggest is keep doin what your doing in that your always trying to find new ways to communicate with him in a positive way. It may seem like your getting nowhere but if your consistent on showing him what good behaviour achieves perhaps one day it will sink in. Don’t give up…is it possible he is bein bullied? Or abused in anyway that he feels he can’t say? I’m sure you already thought of that though. Sorry I cnt be of more help. Keep strong hun he will one day be grown and in his own life nothing stays the same forever. We take things out on the ones we love the most if he’s frustrated at school perhaps has difficulties with the work or other children he will come home and take it out on you because he knows he can ul love him anyway ur his mum. My brother as a child would be horrid to my mum turns out he was just far to intelligent social situations frustrated him and my mum took the brunt now he’s grown a successful graphic designer and stuck around to look after my mum in her older years they are the best of friends so yano what is now won’t always be so bad 🙂 x
Thanks Karen for such a clear, compassionate life-affirming article. I have been trawling the web for any information I can get my hands on ever since I finally realised about a month ago that my partner of five years and father of my two beautiful young children is quite narcissistic and toxic and probably incapable of loving and supporting me in the way I deserve and dream of.
Today is Christmas Day and here I am, still searching for guidance and answers and affirmation that I am heading down the right path. I couldn’t help but notice, Karen, that even today you were on here offering the same to your readers. Your warmth and generosity shine out from these pages and give me the courage to share some of my story here too.
First of all, I’d like to wish all of you here a bright and beautiful new year, especially if your Christmas wasn’t all you were hoping for.
The toxicity in our relationship is somewhat more subtle than many others who have bravely shared their stories here, but nonetheless damaging and scary. I have decided to leave in a month or two and am taking steps to prepare for this but am scared my immense sense of guilt will prevent or delay me from doing so. I am also really struggling with feeling as though I am deceitful even to be thinking this way, but now that our relationship dynamics have become clearer to me I feel as though I have no choice but to prepare in secret in order to protect myself and the kids from the sh**storm that is likely to ensue when I make my intentions known. I can already hear the friends and rellies urging me to give him another chance, to try counselling or to stay for the sake of the kids. Even now he must know something is afoot as I have been setting much clearer boundaries lately and he has gone into totally charming mode again, giving me an eloquent Christmas card today professing his love and telling me how empty his life would be without me yada yada yada, helping out around the house and suddenly wanting to move back into our room with me and the baby after nearly ten months of sleeping in our toddlers room under the guise that said toddler needs that. I used to live for this kind of “change”, but I have now grown cynical (or perhaps can just see more clearly) and recognise that I have unwittingly allowed myself to be trained to accept only crumbs and then shower him with praise and gratitude.
The separate sleeping quarters (never a stated decision or agreement) have been a blessing in disguise and have allowed me time to read, reflect and ruminate (not always healthily) about our situation. In the early days I tried time and time again to encourage my partner back into our shared bed but I think I eventually gave up and embraced it. I had not realised how important this nightly ‘alone time’ (which I happen to be enjoying right now) had become until he started talking about moving back in, and now I am really scared it will make the process of detaching and letting go so much harder.
I have three siblings who know bits and pieces but have no idea I have decided to leave, and I constantly swing between whether I should let them know what’s happening so I have their support and encouragement if my resolve wavers, or keep it a secret in case someone lets something slip (would be disastrous) or I end up staying and want to keep propping up the illusion that he is essentially a good person who is trying his best (which, to be honest, a big part of me still believes).
So how did I find myself here? I am hoping in the telling that I can learn to forgive myself. I think now that the’unusual, unique’ personality that was my mum was / is narcissistic and contributed to my people-pleasing, care taking, extreme giver nature.
I recognised these traits (and blamed myself) after two significant relationships which were emotionally abusive, the latter of which nearly cost me my life despite never having had a hand raised at me (it took a dramatic incident for me to finally trust my intuition in that relationship). During a difficult period of probable PTSD, severe depression and crippling anxiety, I had the liberating experience of being diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, which suddenly helped me make more sense of my world and centred my search for help within a more holistic framework. I had a short relationship with a true giver, and the pampering he gave me really helped me on my way to learning how to gracefully receive, but alas, he was clearly still in love with his ex, so I moved on.
Having nearly given up my dream of becoming a mum (seemed an impossibility during the depths), I did enough healing to start working again and to open myself to the possibility of meeting someone. I was determined to strive for a more balanced relationship and was very proud of myself for recognising and sidestepping two potential toxic relationships.
Then I met my current partner, and I felt it was love at first contact, destiny, a brighter future for me, soulmates, all that stuff…and I fell hard. And here was my chance to finally create a family. I recognised early on that the giver /taker balance was way out of whack, but I assertively addressed this and didn’t believe I would ever end up there again. There were many red flags but I really didn’t want to see them. Maybe I had a fantasy that my love and support could help unlock this man’s potential.
Well, it seems he ran with that, and took up the challenge to assume control and extract what he needed from me, mostly without me noticing that I was getting very little in return for my investment. My children bring me such joy and I am quite an independent soul and I have grown accustomed to more overt criticism and anger and almost comical controlling measures, so this felt like a big step up and I kept pushing aside my nagging concerns about his selfishness, laziness, sense of entitlement and constant distortions of the truth.
I thought about leaving many times, and held him to account and declared my needs at least once every twelve months, but when I did he would always seem to take responsibility and promise the world, be on his best ‘behaviour’ a couple of days, then get some mysterious illness or ailment that flipped the focus back around to him again…
Well, I fell asleep before posting this last night and it’s long enough already, so I am just going to post as is. Part Two will be along shortly…
Happy Boxing Day and thanks for reading!
Bel I’m so pleased you found me here. It’s no accident that your partner chose you to love – your heart is so beautifully open and it sounds as though you have fought hard to make this relationship work. I imagine the decision to leave wouldn’t have been an easy one for you. You deserve the love you give – we all do – and it sounds as though you have given a lot.
Subtle toxicity can often be harder to deal with because of the guilt and self-doubt it can raise. Don’t let this interfere with your decision. It’s not unusual for people with open, generous hearts to feel guilty, or to blame themselves for any pain that happens when a relationship ends. These feelings don’t mean that what you are doing is wrong. They certainly don’t mean that. What they mean is that letting go is hard, and that you are someone who feels compassion and empathy when someone else is hurting. The pain for you or your partner that comes from the relationship ending, won’t last forever. Letting go is never easy, even if the relationship isn’t working. The pain of being in a bad relationship, on the other hand, will last as long as the relationship does. If you stumble on your way out the door, that’s okay – come back and read what you have written as a reminder of the reasons you want to let go. Your reasons are valid and clear and they make so much sense. You have the insight, courage and strength inside you to move yourself and your children forward, you really do. Love and strength to you.
Thanks so much Karen, your response means such a lot to me!
And Sad (this may as well turn into Part Two) I have had some luck negotiating with Centrelink to hopefully be put on Single Parenting Payment under the ‘separation under the same roof’ clause even though I haven’t yet told my partner of my decision. This will keep my head above water as I will get a higher payment, maximum Family Tax A and B, a higher threshold for personal income and my payment will not be reduced by my partners’ income (a recent hike in his income has now cut my Partnered Parenting Allowance to zero even though he owes me about $50,000 (on my credit cards, unfortunately), and pretty much stopped contributing the little he was bringing in as a full time Uni student at the beginning of this financial year when I told him I wanted to split finances (possibly started stashing it for himself)). Since I brought it up AGAIN that I want some of that debt in his name soon, he constantly tells me about every dollar he’s earning and how he will gladly do the right thing and take responsibility for his debts. I am taking a ‘look after myself and the kids’ attitude at the moment because I will believe that when I see it. At the moment, the more he works, the less I get. So, I currently have much less than no money, no significant assets (I already sold my little block of land in the country to pay off HIS debts, silly me) and two kids, and I think with this little bit of financial independence I will still be OK to rent a little place and put food on the table while I build myself back up. The key was getting the forms from Centrelink (if you pick them up personally, have it noted on your file and then get them back within two weeks, you can get back paid to form collection date) and then asking to see a Social Worker. The SW called me up for a phone interview a couple of days later and, after hearing about my situation, and that a new psychologist I just started seeing who knows a fair bit about narcissism recommended I don’t do any ‘prodding’ until I see him again on 10th of January (ie focus on looking after my own health and set healthy boundaries but no confrontations), she wrote in my file that she had recommended I proceed with a claim without my partner’s knowledge or consent, follow the advice given and provide supporting documentation from my doctor and then later from my psych, and then tell my partner when safe to do so. I feel very nervous about my partner finding out somehow before I tell him myself, but it is the only way I can think of to survive as I am guessing he will immediately stop any loan repayments that he may have finally started making to me as punishment for me leaving, and the interest alone on his debt is costing me hundreds of dollars a week. I know, crazy right? Finally I see all the excuses for what they are.
I am also submitting an application for an interim rental of a two bedroom cabin in a family-friendly caravan park as a back-up plan in case things turn nasty and he won’t move out. Rent is the same as we are paying now, but I can rent from 4 weeks to permanent without signing a lease.
One of the biggest issues that has brought me to this decision, other than finances, is that my ever-trusting soul has finally started uncovering a web of lies and I really don’t know what is true and what is not. Although there has not been any cheating (as far as I know, anyway) and no obvious abusive behaviour, I have noticed a disturbing passive aggressive pattern in his communication, accompanied by associated dysfunctional responses from me in an effort to keep him calm, happy and nice (I have always been so scared of angry). Although he has always been very self-absorbed, it never occurred to me that he would lie to me, but over time, the stories just don’t add up eg 11 months bed rest for a broken back that nobody from his past, including the ex-wife who was supposedly caring for him, knows anything about. There is a fair bit of gas lighting…blaming my memory, or I must have misunderstood, plus more lying to try to cover up what’s going on. This has been devastating for me as I hate that I sometimes feel like I have turned into a suspicious, untrusting, heartless individual full of resentment. I don’t like who I am in this relationship anymore, and when you have spent so much time building someone else up while they are slowly chipping away at your soul, it is not an easy pattern to break.
I’ve tried lots of strategies aimed at creating a more balanced relationship, but he is very smart (IQ-wise), and adept at inventing a new illness or injury to excuse him from his responsibilities (to the point where for a long time I suspected he may have factitious disorder). I know some are genuine and my level of empathy makes it hard to challenge him because what if this time he really is in pain? Well, I guess psychologically he is always in pain, but now I know that that is no longer my responsibility, and if I keep focusing on his needs my needs will never be met.
I can see now how he manipulated the situation to paint a carefully-crafted picture of who he was, mainly using shyness, illness, his own ADHD (which now I think may have been an invention to match mine and help create a bond of understanding between us, as well as to demonstrate how much better than me he is at dealing with it) and his own empathy as excuses for his at times cruel or anti-social behaviour (eg “I just have to switch off from what you are talking about because I feel it too deeply and I have to protect myself”). He has been very ‘helpful’ pointing out all the other narcissists in my personal and professional life and advising what I should do about them, and how they are liars who have no empathy and are at the opposite scale to his ’empath’ nature (making sure they are all the grandiose type to reinforce my misconceptions of what narcissism is and to avoid me suspecting what has been right under my nose). I had considered everything BUT narcissism until I recently stumbled across an old book of his of the same name, and finally recognised all the signs of covert narcissism in him, which was quite liberating in itself to have a framework for understanding the patterns at work in our relationship and my role in that. Interestingly, he recently seems to be demonstrating the more typical grandiose signs now that he has started achieving great success and many accolades in his academic and professional life for the first time ever. And even now, with all this new knowledge, I still doubt myself and wonder if I have somehow got it all wrong, but I am trusting my feelings and forging ahead anyway.
I am a lot happier since I have come to understand that I need to look after myself and the kids for now and stop pushing for change and that it’s not my fault and that I can still have empathy for him without rescuing him at the expense of myself again, and I am allowed to choose to leave at a time when things appear on the surface to be going well. The hardest thing at the moment is feeling like I am living a lie as I pretend everything is fine while I execute my exit plan. The saddest thing is that it is easy to do as most of the time he is so wrapped up in his own goals, ambitions and details that he doesn’t care to ask about what I have been doing or how I am feeling anyway.
Ok, now I am just rambling and I have taken up more than enough airspace, so I will wind up and hope that some little morsel in here has been useful to someone, somewhere. Love to you all, and stay strong! Bel x
Thank you so much Bel. From your first post, the phrase “selfishness, laziness, sense of entitlement and constant distortions of the truth” struck me so strongly. These do indeed constitute [psychological] abuse and are what I have been experiencing in my relationship over the last seven months. Your current struggles are felt also. I really relate to the feeling that you are ‘living a lie’. My own need for authenticity is very strong and is commuted only when my even greater needs for safety (emotional and physical) and tranquility (mental), as is happening now. So, you are, temporarily, overwriting your need for authenticity in order to meet your greater needs for safety and the possibility of growth. And as soon as you no longer have to do that, you will stop. It is actually a sacrifice you are making- give yourself that. Empathy. Love.
Thank you Wendy, you articulate it so well and with so much clarity…and it really helps me feel OK with myself and my situation, despite the agony of it.
I just came out of an appointment with my psychologist where we made a plan for the separation ‘talk’ for next Tuesday, and now I am sitting down at a waterfront table with a special meal to celebrate choosing life and authenticity, and I just flipped open my IPad to see your message there to greet me.
I think the universe is on my side….
Have a lovely day, and thanks again for your perfectly-timed message.
I am with my adult child, her narcissist husband and kids on Christmas Day. They are being small, manipulative and controlling. I am grateful that I found this website as its is giving me a sense of support. I deserve loving and healthy relationships!!
Not sure how to let this go, but It doesn’t feel good to hurt, and I don’t have to anymore. Just not sure how to let this go, and what will replace it. I think its the Grandkids that has me hooked. I chose to have faith that one day they will move towards me.
I met a guy 5 years ago at a time I was getting a divorce. I was leaving my 8 year relationship due to physical, mental and emotional abuse. When I met him I knew that he was a player and a bit immature, but he was there and charming. All signs point to trouble to be honest, but because I wanted so much to be loved and wanted and I was very co dependent I wanted to be with him. I was addicted to people that mistreated me or hurt me. Deep down I felt I could change them. Long story short he was emotionally unavailable and manipulative. He cheated while I was pregnant, and had multiple affair but only admit to one because he was caught. I felt like because I was financially independent and outspoken, I was fighting back and that made me feel better but the truth is I was fighting a losing battle and I was drained. Everytime he lose control and we get extremely angry. He damage my property, multiple times and played alot of mind games. I started seeing him for who he really was and did not like him one bit. He was only nice after I leave, he would promise to be better. But it never last. I got restraining orders multiple times but they never could find him to serve him. He was very smart and sneaky. He would sabotage my childcare for our son by picking him up and being very disrespectful to the daycare providers. He would cause conflict with my friends and family so i was isolated. I changed my locks called the police and they never catch him. I would leave and come back because it was just exhausting and I cared. Recently I’ve turned to God to guide me when dealing with him. I have faith that one day he will move on and exploit some other needy woman. I’m over being afraid to let him go. I just want peace. I refuse to live my life letting anyone try to control me so they feel comfortable. Lesson learned, now I’m just fixing my mistake and healing so I never get involved with anybody like that again!
Nika,
You have all the right insights! God bless you for thinking this all out and becoming determined to move on! I am also just in the midst of fleeing/ending an abusive relationship. Please let us know how you do and manage. I need to know it’s possible too. Love.
Everything I have read, sums up what I’m going through and it has given me the strength to say NO and be able not to be dragged into a situation whereby, I felt I should defend myself, thus now being the one in the wrong. Thank so very much
You’re so welcome Lynnette. It’s so easy when you have an open, generous heart to be dragged into these situations. I’m pleased the article has helped you to find the strength that is in you, and will always be in you.
I have been in a toxic relationship for almost 10 years. I met a man who I had the most intense connection to I couldn’t see straight. After 6 months of dating and thinking his wife had left him because she was so career driven, I found out she was about to go into labor with their second child.. I didn’t even know they had a child. After him pleading with me that his family were religious folk who didn’t agree with divorce and being told that he couldn’t tell me that he had children, I naively gave in and decided to give him a chance. That was the beginning of my isolation from family and friends and my co dependant relationship began. He was never abusive physically but I believe emotionally. He suffered depression and always made me feel like I had done something wrong. He would ignore me for days without telling me why and I would constantly try to make it bettter and apologise for things that I didn’t even know I had done wrong. I would get so much anxiety that I would be ignored that when he was nice to me it was like a drug. I went from being a vibrant, social creature to being introverted, anxious and so lonely. I had no friends, no family and was constantly in tears because I knew I needed to leave. He was recently diagnosed with MS and I did everything I could to make it ok for him and stay positive. If I tried to stick up for myself in an argument he would blame the stress I cause on his condition worsening. My inability to speak up became so intense I had a breakdown at work and nearly lost my job. When I asked him to be kind to me he just told me I needed to grow up and realise that life isn’t meant to be easy. We recently had a fight and he walked out. When I woke in the morning he wasn’t home. I finally left and I feel so guilty and sad he’s alone as he doesn’t have any friends. I still love him but I know it’s killing me… he won’t stop calling and I’m scared to give in.
Stay strong. You have made your decision to let go with strength and courage and self-respect. It’s understandable that you would feel tempted to go back – that’s really normal, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you. You sound as though you fought for the relationship for a long time, and gave it everything you could. Now it’s time to fight for you. Keep moving forward. You have everything inside you to find the life and the love you deserve. You can do this.
I’m going through kind of the same thing. I’m young lady in college. In the end of first semester of grade 12 a guy who is two years older then me, messages me on Facebook. I knew him because I used to hang out with him when he went to my high school. Last December I had to call the cops because he threaten me. He would ignore me for days even weeks with out a reason. He would leave me with out saying anything. Every time he would leave me I would wonder if I did something wrong. Any time I gave him attitude or swore at him he would choke me. He convince me to sneak out and “Hang Out” at his house. He would never tell me about his problems. Every time he left he would come back a couple months later. I would feel so bad because I felt it was my fault. Eventual I got so used to it that it didn’t even hurt any more. I realized that their was a pattern. All I expected from him was this toxic pattern. Last summer I got a job next to where he worked. While I was working their I found out that he had a girlfriend for two years and he lived with her. I had to find that out through a co-worker. We would always fight because I was right about him having a girlfriend and he would always lie. I would ask him if had a girlfriend. I would find pictures of them kissing and them be together while he was gone. When he came back I would send my prof to him. He would still lie. He even tried to get me pregnant to make me stay with him. But I not pregnant. He even asked me to move in with him. I went to their place and I didn’t see any sign of a girl living their. I told him I’m done and I cant deal with his crap anymore. So I left and I went straight into college. That was a get way to get my mind of him. Now, he is back. Now I have mixed feelings and I cant think about cause I will cause tears and headaches….
Don’t give in – I am doing something similar… I am trying to get out of it now, but frightened that the mental and emotional abuse may become physical…I am leaving anyway in March. I admire that fact that you left…..the process that you are going through now is called pruning and its painful. It does get better – I have been there before. The guilt will go away. I leaving no matter what the cost! Hang in there – don’t give up!!!
I loved this article, thank you! I have been in a relationship with married man for over two years. I am married to. When we met we were both unhappy with our spouses. After dating for some time we decided to be together and had some kind of plan (what’s needed financially) to be together. With time I disattach more from my spouse that I was living with ( which included not sleeping in the same bed, not going anywhere together, no family vacations, no trips, no social events) I totally ended any family activities because I was so committed to the person I love, while waiting for us to finally be together. He the opposite, continued his family life with his wife and kids ( I have a child too), went always on trips, family vacations, social dinners together with his wife. All these things that he was doing ( not mentioned that he continued sleeping in the same bed, using excuse that he moved to a smaller apartment as it was part of the plan and there was no where to sleep ( he didn’t want to sleep on the couch) were hurting me and making me jealous. I became more careful with him and more reserved ( more reserved in sexual aspect). Time was passing by, nothing was happening,in felt that we just kept seing each other like lovers. I got so down and depressed and didn’t know if to believe that he really wants to be with me. We had talks when I was concerned and not feeling well about life that we living, I was complaining that it was so painful for me…all the time we spoke he was making me feel that I don’t “give enough love “, that I should look into myself and give more love. It worked for sometime, I was feeling bad feeling careful with him, but I found it very painful living this life and giving all myself to someone who is living the same family life and sleeps in the same bed with another woman. Passed two years, we still living the same life. It’s been such emotional Rollercoaster for me because I love this man and want to be with him, but he’s still living with his wife and kids. I became so miserable and hurt, when I see him in try to be positive, but when I feel more down we talk and all we talk about is that I have to change the way I was at the beginning of the relationship when I believed him and wasn’t hurt so much by his unchanged lifestyle with hisfamily. He says that I need to fix the situation and “put the love back ” that I took away. I told him that it’s painful knowing that he’s living with another woman and doing things with her and kids, but he said that we started that way and if I really loved it wouldn’t be in pain and focused more on love and not the negative part. I’m so lost and feel bad and guilty, but at the same time I’ve been faithfully waiting for this man for two years, sacrificing my time with my child, going on the dates with this man and hoping that one day he decides to be with me. When we are together, feeling good he’s telling me that I’m amazing and he loves being with me and how I make him feel. But when I feel sad because of the life we living, he tells me that I don’t love him, that I pulled away love. Please help to understand what am I doing wrong? Should I “fix ” and accept pain?
keep strong.
keep this in mind. You are the victim not him. As the article said.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Last but not least again quoting the article
The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
If you keep giving him what he wants he will never make a move or change. Why should he change when he is perfectly served by his wife and lover? He’s living a “great life”, why should he give up any of you.
Why should he give up his spouse when you both treat him well and it’s “working” well for him. Why should he give up his spouse and having to go through financial and emotional turmoil and probably be forbidden to see his child for a while and face the shame from the families when by saying nothing and keeping you there his life is just perfect pampered from both sides?
Get out as quickly as possible. if he truly loves you he will follow you. if he doesn’t than good riddance unfortunately he just used you.
He doesn’t intend to leave his wife and why would he? he has his cake and eat it right now. The fact you would rather sacrifice time with your child for any man is beyond me! I d say leave your husband who your stringing along and probably hurting because you clearly don’t love him to be having an affair for two years.. dump the lover who clearly doesn’t love you because if he did he would be with you already I’m sorry if this is blunt but I feel u need it. Your being used!! Stop.. be with your child who loves and needs you… when the right guy comes along there will be no need for secrets and lies from either end. U really need to see this married man is using you as side sex. You should take time out to be alone and figure out what makes you happy without a man. The alternative is to stay this needy and insecure forever.
I’m in a huge confusion! Idk what to do I’m in a dilemma where I don’t know if I’m the toxic person in my relationship or I just blame myself for everything! I had an ex boyfriend who I can say wasn’t toxic I felt trapped I Felt like I couldn’t breath! He was really insecure I couldn’t step outside the door without him thinking I was gonna cheat on him he controlled everything I did clothes my friends and family I wasn’t aloud to leave his side I stuck around for 4 years because I thought I loved him and I had 2 boys with him so it would scare me to live I thought I couldn’t live without him! When I decided to leave I felt such a big relief I felt like a big weight had been lifted and I could breath! I cried for the first 6 months but eventually found myself again and was able to move forward. I met a guy couple months ever who treated me the total opposite he was nice kind everything I had never had yet I couldn’t stand him! I wasn’t used to that kind of treatment he fought about 2 years for my love I repeatedly would tell him he wasn’t for me he was to nice for me we would never fight and to me that wasn’t normal he never told me I couldn’t go to certain places or control anything in my life and I couldn’t understand why! I finally gave him a chance and started falling in love! We recently had a daughter 3 months ago but since I got pregnant I’ve been really controlling over him! He changed so much with me he was loving understanding caring I felt like I was loosing him and me being scared I wouldn’t want him to go anywhere! He started getting into drinking a lot would come home blacked out! And would cry saying he felt suffocated but I didn’t know why I started reading a lot into relationship and how they worked I stumbled across your article and I’m afraid that I might be the toxic one I beg him to be himself again but last night he told me it wasn’t that easy! I told him I miss the old you! But he says he does everything to make me happy and that I control his whole life I don’t know how! OR why he thinks that I’m really confused but I’m scared to loose him I love him but I don’t know what to do and if I’m the problem here.
Help please
Stephanie it sounds as though both of you might be doing things that are hurting the other. The only way through this is to talk about it. It’s important that when you do, you are willing to listen to each other. Ask your partner what you can do to make it easier for him to love and support you the way you need to be loved and supported. Also do the same for him, and be open to hearing what he has to say. When you talk, stick to the facts as much as you can without getting emotional. Hopefully your partner will do the same.
Hi sorry you find yourself in such a confusing place hope this helps…
Because you spent 4 years with someone controlling you had it programmed into you a negative association with what constitutes as love and affection you hated it because you yourself was not that way… In meeting someone after the oposit of your ex albeit what you wanted and likly a great match because you are both the same (non controlling) the relationship starts great but because of the programming from previous relationship you attach his non controlling behaviour as meaning he doesn’t care about you and in turn you become controlling because one it’s a behaviour you learned from your last relationship as a way of making someone stay much longer than they should as you did and two you self sabotage it all wondering what the hell am I doing this isnt me how did it get this way… I suggest less self sabotage and more understanding that you was a victim of a controlling relationship but it’s down to ou to break the cycle. Hugs x
Its the family heres the summary……I don’t enjoy spending too much time with the family & just want to do what I have to and return to my space. I realise I have been heavily conditioned by the family & expectations level being high & I am resenting that & want to put a stop to it by finally living my life
My family consists of my widowed mother who lives in another state with a domestic help n a sister overseas who is forceful n authoritative, I am the only daughter here ( I am single) & have made it clear that I am there in any emergency.I have been there for my family for the last 30 yrs whilst my sister “lives her life” The family now thinks I’m “cranky” and that I am mixing with a wrong group of friends, They bitch about me behind my back and somehow it always gets back to me. I have accepted this nor will expectation level stop, no matter what I do. As long as I do what they want , be the fall guy they are happy ….I am not, I just want to live my life and not have expectations of me hence I maintain my stance. They are “superficially happy” for me but its so obvious they dont like it as they prefer me to be on a constant “standby mode” and available at all times. It is a sad state of affairs as it involves a parent & sibling, but its the truth unfortunately. Theres a wedge between me and both of them…but so be it. I am so very tired of constantly pandering to their requests. I will be heading to Australia with my mum to celebrate Xmas (3 weeks in total!!!!)with my sister which is a nightmare for me (4th Australian trip in 3 years….overload!)and God give me the courage and strength to remain sane & calm. I had no choice but to accompany my mum (she refused to go alone and either way I wuldnt have heard the end of it…damned if I do & damned if I dont!) At times I am so strong and at times I fall off and have to work hard at getting up again and detching myself from them…..surely theres more to life than just family???? I never thought of them as toxic , but after reading the above article , theres so much of truth there.
Thanks all for sharing. I’m currently in a very toxic relationship with a girlfriend of mine. She is a person that treats people as friends for a season, she is 29 and never had a permanent friend in her life. Her friendships last 3 months, However when it comes to rships she sticked with the same guy for 13 years.
For a very long time i thought that something in the past happened to her and it’s not her fault that she is unable to trust people and push friends away.
It all started two years ago when i started working with her. She befriended me and told me personal things (she said no one else knew) and i knew she was very a very cautious person so i felt special that without knowing me she took an interest in me and confided in me.
It only lasted 1 and a half month. The past 16 months i spent them running after her trying my utmost to make her see that she is not alone and that she has me and she can trust me.
Needless to say most of the time i was pushed away harder than before. But i stayed cause there were cases were she said i was the only one that knew her and that cared enough to be around her.
As someone mentioned i love the good part of her and every 4 months or so she would pop back into my life and accept my help only to disappear (sometimes 48 hours later sometimes 3 weeks later). it never lasted long.
She makes me feel so bad! She makes me hate myself. I am not able to hate her. I love her as a sister and i feel for her cause by time everyone realizes what she is and if they don’t, they eventually get turned down by her. She is the most lonely person i know.
Once she said that she is jealous(in the good sense) of me that i have good long lasting relationships and if she ever broke up with her bf she would end up alone. I just wanted to go over to her n hug and reassure i would be there for her when she said it.
She left my place of work in april so finally i was able to move on altough it took me some months to get her out of my system. In the meantime her ex bf contacted me cause they broke up and said i was the only friend she had so i contacted her and offered my help. We met once for 3 hours and then it was back to giving me the total silence treatment.
I tried getting through to her with long detailed emails,calls,fb, whatsapp. She turned down every attempt i made. she never bothered reading the emails (she said she doesn’t check em often) fb and whatsapp she logs in various times a day but she rarely or never bothers to check my messages let alone answer.
I feel guilty of letting go of her cause i know i’m the only one who cares. Last time we met she confessed that I’m the only one who knows her better and she only feels comfortable opening up to me. However i feel as if i am some rechargeable battery. She comes to me recharge and then leaves. Plus she never gives me the opportunity to help. She just drops these bombs of statements then she leaves my life and leaves me dead worried for her.
I tried various times telling her how much her attitude hurts. Sometimes she ends up apologising and her apology really seems sincere but then she just forgets all about it and goes back to ignoring me.
I’m trying my utmost to move on. I sent her long detailed email explaining her how these 2 years have been for me and what i had endured. I explained in detail so if it’s a question of trust she would realize that she has nothing to fear from me. I also told her that its maybe bit my fault for her to treat me like this cause i never stood up to her and made her think her behaviour was acceptable. I gave her an ultimatum. I told her thta if things will not change this year I will not take it any longer.
My plan is to block her from whatsapp and calls/sms so even if she sends anything i will not be able to see them and fall for her.
I’m tired of feeling this miserable. She needs help and i know i could be of help but she doesn’t allow me to help her so my feeling miserable is not helping any of us, on the contrary it’s making me feel as my best is never good enough and never will be.
Sorry for venting but i really need to talk to someone about it.
I have been with my boyfriend for six years now. In the first few years everything was good but now its horrible he cheated on me on mamy occasions he always tries to make it look like i am the one in the wrong doing he doesn’t want me to go out with friends or use any social networks. He insults me he curses me he doesn’t carry me out he always wants me to come home by him we have sex and that’s about it. I caught him with a secret phone and lied directly to my face and said it was a dummy fone. I cook i clean i wash and sometimes I feel like he is using me for hid needs. He always accusing me of cheating or seeing other people. The first time he cheated i cheated then I realized it made no sense. If i have male friends it is a problem he wants me to speak to male colleagues or even my female friends but i love him so much he is my first and only bf I don’t know where to begin to try to leave he always makes me cry calsd me a whore a bitch and he runs me and tells me I am sickening and he fed up of me i i like to much man He always accusing me of some man I am starting to feel depressed and stressed out completely…….. HELP
As long as you are with someone who: cheats, blames, controls, insults, uses you for sex, lies, accuses you wrongly – it is very likely that you will continue to feel depressed and stressed. This man has shown you what a relationship with him looks like. Believe him.
Many of us were Never meant to find real love the way that i look at it and most of the time we put ourselves in very bad relationships unfortunately. Been there and done that.
Paul I honestly believe there is a love for everybody. Sometimes it’s about looking for love in different people to the ones who have hurt you in the past. It is very easy and very understandable that people keep repeating the same relationship habits, but if you can step outside of different habits, there will be different people, different potential and new opportunities for the love that you deserve.
When I searched this topic I didn’t expect to get an article that really hit as close to home as this one does. Due to past childhood abuse I am like a magnet for toxic relationships; and being an empath, it only makes it worse. Ever since I can remember I allow people in my life to treat me like garbage, all the while I am the one apologizing and wondering what I have done wrong. I am happy to say that I now recognize the behaviors of other’s as toxic, but I am still working on trying to move on from/let go of them. Here’s hoping 2017 is the year for that!
Hi, just as u I am also an empath, and it is true. We are a magnet for toxic people. I am myself escaped a bullet there. But I also feel guilty anc that I was the one that did wrong. And of course the saying sorry part. I feel sorry that at a certain point I stood up for myself. I did what I could for that person cos she is really ill. But her ilness didnt stop her of blaming me I did not care for yer, starting to involve other men in it so I would bow. Telling me I am no man at all, many cursewords anc treats.
I took all of that for a short while, I m building bit by bit my ownlife so I didnt have much. But I bought food, small medicin and other small things. Till one day after 2 days of insulting me, she asked me to come over cos shd feels bad. She was on the insulting spree one hour earlier, I tried to explain that I m not really in mood to do that after all she said to me. Buuuut what does empaths do, exactly. I went with some stuff at midnight with bike, 1h in snow. Once arrived she didnt even open. I drove back home, angry of course. To read from her that I dont care for her.
Now I m trying to let go and try to understand why toxic do things like this. And doubting myself if I was not the toxic one.
I am the child of narcissistic parents, as a result of some incredibly toxic behaviour, there has been very little contact with them over the last year or so. My health has been seriously affected as a result of the emotional stress. They recently sent an apology letter. The “letter” was a small card with the following…”we would like to write to you to apologise for the hurt that has occurred. We love you and miss you and want to move forward to have happy times like we used to”. That is it- this letter has taken over 3 months to write ( I heard from a family member that my mother was writing it ages ago). My dilemma- do I continue to with no contact or do I write back and explain that is no apology. After the hurtful things they have done ( threatening legal action to see their grandchildren saying such nasty things to me about who I am and what they think of my husband) I know that a reply would probably fall on deaf ears, but no answer will make them so riled up and angry- other family members are pressuring me to speak to them.. but I have absolutely no interest. Should I just stay strong and say nothing? keep quiet?
On target and to the point! A very helpful article that has reinforced my decision to let go of a family relationship that became toxic and disrespectful. I’m at peace with my decision-and more importantly am calm and joyful. Will only allow uplifting people to occupy my the remainder of my life now. Plan on a tranquil existence for the rest of my days. Thanks for piece.
Thank you, Karen. This is just what I needed to read. I finally took a step towards letting a toxic relationship go and it felt really good for the first few hours. But then it got back to tears rolling down my eyes while at work and just the general feeling of sadness and loneliness. It’s all so hard, but I know this is the right thing to do. It just bothers me more because it comes combined with losing a couple of close friends too. Plus I’ve never been close to my family due to my parents getting separated at a young age. The friends and the relationship was a huge part of my support system and I’m finding it really difficult to cope. I don’t know what to do. 🙁
Letting go of any relationship is difficult, even if it is a bad one to be in. What you are describing makes a lot of sense. You are adjusting to a new normal. In time you will see how much better, stronger and healthier this ‘new normal’ will be, but it takes time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will have good days and bad days and in time, the bad will get less and the good will get more. When you feel strong enough, start to look for social groups to join – there will be plenty that would love to have you. This isn’t easy and again, it takes time to feel comfortable, but a big push at the beginning to meet new people will be worth it. Your loneliness is understandable, but it isn’t the reason to go back. It is a sign that you are in transition, and the change will be such a positive one for you. Keep moving forward and stay strong. You have all the strength and courage you need inside you to find a happier version of yourself and your life, you really do.
I’m hoping if someone can help me with what I’m going through right now, Is it I who’s not a good wife or my husband is a toxic person.
We’ve been married for 6 years and we have 2 kids – 5 and 3 yrs old. Early in our marriage, I’d put so much into making him happy. I’d stay up late at night ironing his clothes, taking care of our baby so he always has a full sleep, even though I have to wake up at 2 am to go to work. I did that because he had a job that he doesn’t like (but I do) and I thought that me taking away the tiredness will help him reduce his stress. He never once had to wake up in the middle of the night to help me with any of our babies.
Then we moved, he changed his job, I still did it. Woke up at 4 am to make him lunch, went back to sleep to wake up in an hour to go to work. The 2nd baby came, the same thing happen. It’s only me who had to stay up at night with the baby, every single night. This time I asked for help but the answer was “I’m tired” and my job is stressful. He started to berate me more.. if the kids’ face were dirty with chocolate, he would say “Really? Are you going to let the kids walk around with that dirty face?” Something like this happens a lot, if the kid’s clothes get dirty and we didn’t have a spare in the diaper back, it’s automatically become my fault that I didn’t prepare it. Yes, he never had to do it. He didn’t help me clean the kid’s room. I only have a driver license for a short time and when I’m struggling with parallel parking he’d get mad and yell “What the hell are you doing?”and started to steer the steering wheel himself., left me frightened from his yelling and I never understand why he’d use that kind of language with me.
I don’t use a swear word, not at all. Even when we fought, he’d never hear that from me because I think it’s very rude and disrespectful. He uses that often and he said that because he worked somewhere that people use it a lot and he has a lot of stress.. so he has a good excuse for his anger and language. I always try to understand that and keep telling myself things will be better once he finally gets to work at the job he likes.
But when the time comes, he changed to the job he likes, it doesn’t stop there. It still happens. And a lot of time when I wanted to hang out with my friend he’d say something like “You do whatever you wanted but if it was me, I won’t go.” Or “I don’t want you to go, but you can do whatever you want”.. then when I insisted I wanted to hang out with my friends, it came back to me as ” you didn’t care for my feeling”…
The kids are closer to me for some reason. They often cry if they didn’t get to hold my hands while we’re walking somewhere.
When we fight and I tried to express my feeling toward what he did, he will “you’re too sensitive”. Recently, he made a joke that’s insulting to me, I got upset and then he mad at me for getting upset. He said I should be able to know that his joke is a sarcastic and I shouldn’t be upset.
These are just some part of things that happen. We’ve been seeing a counselor but it’s not going anywhere. I questioned myself a lot, I tried harder and harder to make him happy in the past 6 years, but he’s still not happy. I was at the point where I have a suicide thought but I couldn’t do it because of my kids.
I feel worthless and scared of myself, scare to have new friends. I started to convince myself that I’m bad, I’m manipulative ( that’s what he told me) and no one will like me. I started to think I might have a mental issue. Even now when I read this article, I still question whether it’s actually me who’s not a good enough wife and I shouldn’t be asking this question. Nothing was his fault. Yes, he apologized after he snapped at me but it never stopped. He blames his anger on his childhood and his stress. Stress that caused by work, the kids, family and me.
I don’t know what to do, I feel like my mental is messed up and I second guess every single thought I have. I don’t feel like we have any hope. What am I suppose to think?
This is the life I lived for 19 years. I encourage you to look up the term gaslighting. That’s when they make you feel crazy with their manipulation. I posted earlier and really have gained insight into my situation. Look at Karen’s response to me (right above your post) and ask yourself those same questions. Good luck to you.
Great article! I have found for my own sanity and wellbeing I have had to walk away from certain family members in my life. I don’t feel bad for doing so but I feel for what they are going through. I can only help so much but decided the more I do for them, the more I am enabling them so I have had to walk away to let them figure things out for themselves. I am not perfect either and I can identify with some of the behaviours in myself. No one is perfect but it takes a big person to walk away when the situation is not improving and that’s what I did. I am so much happier…. The door will be open when they learn to respect my boundaries.
I was married for 19 years to a man who had me on an emotional roller coaster as well. He did have his great qualities. He was a great provider, he was faithful, he was handsome. When things were great, they were awesome. However, when they were bad, they were really bad. He never physically abused me but the emotional turmoil was more than (at the end) I could handle. Everything I did was wrong and he constantly was belittling and criticizing me. Eventually, he became sexually manipulative. I lost who I was and was in a horribly unhealthy situation. I was depressed, lonely, and sad all the time. I’d beg him to communicate and let me be part of his life. He’d come home from work and as I ran to greet him with a kiss, I’d be met with a cold shoulder and a cheek at best. It hurt more than I could stand to be constantly ignored and rejected.
He left last December. That was the point that I decided that I would never let someone treat me like that again. He has asked me to lets fix things and to let’s work on us but I have something inside that will not allow me to do that unless I see some changes. He says he has changed and that he is trying to be a different person.
When he learned that I was involved with someone else, he became very jealous. He once sent me over 80 emails (email bc I blocked his calls and texts) in two days. He says he loves me and wants me back and that he is changed. Part of me wants to go running back but something is holding me back. Something won’t let me get back with him. I guess deep down, I know people like this don’t change. Thoughts? Help.
Jessica you were with this man for 19 years. You have the truth inside you and you need to listen to that.
Deep inside? Meaning? Are you saying get back or let go? I’m confused.
I can’t tell you what to do. This is your relationship and your life and you are the only person who has the detail of what this relationship is like to be in. You have 19 years of knowing what this relationship is like and what it does to you. This is your time to do what is right for you, rather than looking outside of yourself for the answer. You say you are confused, but in your comment, you sound very clear about how damaging this relationship has been, compared with the good. Knowing what to do doesn’t mean that it suddenly becomes easy. It’s always easy to become hopeful again when you hear the right things from the people you want to love. It sounds as though you have a lot more evidence of the harm that comes from this relationship, than the good that can come from it – but again, only you can know the truth about that. Use the history of this relationship – because it is a very long history – to inform your decision. Has it been loving, close, supportive, nurturing? Or has it been hurtful and damaging? Act with self-love and self-respect, and with strength and courage. Use the wisdom you have gained from 19 years of knowing this man – his behaviour, what the combination of you has been like – and let that guide your decision.
One of the best articles on the subject that I’ve found. I came to the realization after distancing myself from a toxic diminishing family member just how much better I felt as the weeks went on. After months, they tried to enter my life again as if nothing had happened. Drew the line saying not interested unless they are interested in knowing my terms of the relationship. Haven’t heard from them which reinforced and made me realized just how right my choice was-just wants control or some other self serving agenda. Let it go with peace and in my gut it feels right. Hopefully now again as time passes I will continue on the path to feel better and stronger than ever.
George you have acted with great strength and self-respect. Keep moving forward.
I believe I was in a toxic relationships but sometimes I’m wonder if I was or am the toxic person. However, I tend to always say sorry to people first or only even with things that are not my fault because I don’t like arguments or anyone being mad at me.( this being pointed out by friend and by sisters). Here’s my story. That’s changed me. I met this guy at my job I had for 11 years. He courted me, came by my cubicle at work everyday to visit me and was or seemed sweet. We had things in common one being both lost a brother when they were 19 and we were tweens. It started off as friends really going out to eat, movies, texting and calling everyday. And then a relationship. Physical. He had told me he dealt with depression and I assumed it wasn’t that bad because one he’s a police officer and he was generally nice. He did say he had a commitment phobia later on. Which I didn’t care about because I then wasn’t looking for anything long term. Now to try to make this long story short. He started to get irritated with me, for instance I text him one time what are you doing and he saying driving to D.C. I don’t remember what the next thing I said was but he blew up at me called me screaming that I shouldn’t be texting him and do I want him to get in a car accident and die. I was taken back and hurt because I never seen him this way. And it hurt. I had a fear of driving for one my brother was killed in a car accident and he knew it. I left him a lone after that but he came back to me. I don’t think I ever got an apology he was smooth and I think he made it look like my fault. After a while I noticed I was always afraid to voice my opinion because it might offend him. And when I did he would ignore me for a long time and not come around. He would come back. Say he depressed but then say, he cares for me and I am number one. i ended up pregnant, lost the child and this is how he comforted me. Hugged and kissed me, slept with me one last time. And on the phone later on he told me it takes more than that for me to love someone. I was crushed. It’s been a while since but this has hurt me bad. He recently told me he lied he did love me and still does and possibly wanted to work it out with me. God knows why but I was hopeful. He then ignores me and when I say hey what up he tell me look, it’s not going to work for me, I love you still but not in the same capacity. And that’s it nada. I was sitting on my porch with neighbor about a month later and he drives by my house staring me down twice up and down road and I text him. We can be cordial you can say hello or wave in not mad at you. Which at the time I was feeling optimistic and he text me back don’t call or text or emAil me ever. I will get a warrant and have you arrested and anprotective order served. Yet he doesn’t patrol my area and he was riding up and down my road and parked at the corner of my daughter school, two street behind mine a day or two before and also doesn’t patrol my area. i am a recluse now. I stay inside and I’m afraid of even the smallest conflict and timid. He said I lash out but I never hurt people I love. I have told him he’s hurt me and how. And I’ll admit after his meanest I have said f*** you and go to hell. However was I in a really toxic relationship or was it me?
Angie the most important thing here is that the combination of you didn’t work. It sounds as though there were many things that happened that were cruel and hurtful for you. Don’t keep hurting yourself by assuming that the world is like this and that other relationships will hurt you the way this one has. There will be someone there who is looking to love someone like exactly like you, and who will have the very same ideas of what a healthy relationship should look like. You will have emerged from this relationship with greater wisdom and insight into what works and also the warning signals that should send you running. Use this wisdom to strengthen you, and to open yourself up to the love you deserve.
Thank you. I’ve been punishing myself for years. I’ve never met anyone like him and it makes me fear men. I even deal with depression now because of this relationship. I was vibrant, outgoing, and full of life. For 6 years now, I’ve been a homebody… So much so I’m vitamin D deficient. I do wonder one thing, it’s seems he keeps popping up in my life. He’s been popping up since 05. Would it be wise for me to move out of state or town? I really want to though I’ve been here in VA my whole life.
I’ve been in what I feel is a toxic relationship for going on 13 years now…..3 kids ….living above his family and I don’t keep in contact with mine ….we kinda went our own separate ways…..our relationship has always been a rollercoaster of emotions ….it was either really bad or really good ….when we had gotten together I had just left my ex to whom was cheating on me after him and I had just lost a child together…then I met this guy……I was 20 so was he …he was going through hard times and I was too….we were there for each other….i had found out 6 months later I was pregnant ….both happy and scared….we both left and moved in together …not even a month later physical and emotional abuse started and escaladed….then it would calm down it was like that for years …. after time the physical stuff stopped and things were getting better….so I thought…..now I Find myself sitting hear in tears again….he just recently got promoted and I understand it comes with a lot more responsibility but now he works all day and on his days off….then the little time he does make he goes out to the restaurant with his co-workers to eat and have drinks… doesn’t call …he said he doesn’t need to check in that it’s not necessary ….he no longer Finds time to spend with the kids and I ….he said his mind is on his money….I recently walked in on him in the middle of him texting his co-worker…he started deleting it…but the previous text said…”I don’t know why I’m feeling this way ?” And she had wrote back why? It’s just me ….he had no response but to say it was an accident and he should of never hit on her…..then another time he came home so upset….I had asked him why and he has said because this one girl he works with is so sweet and she’s with this guy that is such an ass….go figure … really????…. he’s been critizing me about everything and making me feel crazy for having feeling ….. I don’t know why I stay I know where to go or what to do …that’s just a bit of what’s going on ….thank you for letting me vent ….am I the toxic one in the relationship ? Idk….thanks for any advice
The important thing here isn’t so much about who is the toxic one, but that the relationship is hurting you. Whether one of you is toxic or both of you is toxic is irrelevant. The point is, the relationship doesn’t feel good for you. When there is physical and emotional abuse, the relationship is in trouble. I understand how difficult it is to let go of any relationship, but the truth is that sometimes staying is harder, more painful, and more damaging to the person you are. If it’s love, it feels like love.
This article was excellent and really spoke to my situation. I didn’t realise I was in a toxic relationship I just thought my boyfriend was a bit ‘stubborn’. In the end every positive change was resisted because he didn’t want to grow.
I’m sorry I wasted time but thankful I tried enough scenarios to really feel like I can walk away and not look back.
I’m so pleased the article was helpful. As much as we would like for some people to change in positive ways, people will only change when they’re ready. I wish it could be different, but know that no experience is ever wasted. It sounds as though you have gained wisdom and insight, and that this will lift you forward.
Married for just over seven years to a toxic woman. In and out of rehab for alcohol abuse. She was terrible to me, oppressive, jealous, controlling. So abusive in many ways, but I loved her and although we’ve been apart for a few months now, I’m still having problems with this. I just started seeing someone, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that either. I’m angry. I’m not sure what I’m more angry about, if it’s that life we pictured for our future that vanished in the blink of an eye or the seven years wasted with a toxic jerk.
I don’t think it’s healthy to regret time with someone. Each relationship we go through we either learn what we do want in a life partner and what we don’t want so at the very least you have grown in knowledge about what your willing to tolerate. I use to have anger about a toxic ex I stayed 8years with built a home together litrally with our own bare hands when it was complete he moved in his mistress and out I went. The letting go of a future you have set in your mind is difficult but at the other end of the scale I was happy to not have to put up with the abuse anymore…I was free… I look at the me back then and I don’t even know who I became and although there’s times I miss my house and the future picture we painted. I’d never want to go back to that life. In time the anger does fade I find it helps to say out loud at least once a day all the things I’m grateful for and all the things that make me happy in the here and now. No matter how big or small focusing your mind in the now, today, this moment and being grateful for that helps to shift the focus of a life thats no longer relevant and keeps it grounded in what’s actually important… reality… reality is now…not what was or will be. Worrying serves no purpose other than to hurt us twice. Live in the now and you will feel better. Hope this helps.
I’m currently facing this and I’m thinking of running far far away but at the same time thinking if that is the right thing to do.
Thank you so much for this article. It has opened my eyes and for once made sense. Especially love this part of the article “Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.” For almost 5yrs I have been with my baby’s dad. And for that whole time he continues to lie and treat me with no respect. On top of doing whatever he wants and when he wants. Deep down I know he truly doesn’t love me. But he manipulates me into thinking he cares. So I hold on to that. Hoping one day he will be different. But I’m so tired of feeling unloved and I’m sick of being belittled all the time. So yes I’m going to work on me and hopefully leave him in the past.
I enjoyed this article, and the one before it (I clicked a link from a previous article). Had an argument at Thanksgiving with the family today, and I left. My father has been that toxic figure-head in the family my whole life. Belittling, critical, and shaming was his way when I was a kid and has continued from time to time as an adult, becoming less to none in recent years. We’ve had our troubles since I was a teenager when I began to speak my mind. He punched me in the stomach once when I stood up to him. Our relationship was quite poor for many years, but I always maintained a relationship with the family because I didn’t want to punish my mom she has always been there for me and we are close. I stood up for her many times over the years. My father and I haven’t had any blowouts for a few years, and even though he and I never do anything together except when I visit the house, our relationship has been even for awhile. Today signified that he is always one moment away from being his old self. I finally had enough when I spoke up about something and was more or less told that my opinion wasn’t important. My sister had brought her laundry over to the parents house to wash a couple loads (she does this every Thanksgiving/Christmas), I’ve always let it go, but last year it really bothered me. This year when she arrived basket and clothes in hand, I expressed that I didn’t think it was right to do laundry on a holiday, that we are all there to spend time with family. She had a meltdown about it and walked out. My mom, as she always does, went to her rescue. My dad yelled at me “goddamit Randy” and the mess began. I asked “do I not have an opinion?” and he said “NO”. I had him repeat it…..and I told him if I don’t have an opinion then I don’t want to be part of the family. I walked out and told my sister (at her car) to stay and I left. My mom called about an hour later and asked me to come back, I told her I love her dearly and would do anything for her, but I am done with him, that I’m not putting myself in that environment anymore. I know this hurt her, all she wants is the family to be there at Thanksgiving and to get along. We’ve never had a situation like this on Thanksgiving, but I suppose that was my “enough is enough”. I don’t know what will occur moving forward, I don’t expect anything to change……this article helps me to understand what I can do to move forward, create boundaries, and express them to those in the family that want to listen.