Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

After the Affair – How to Forgive, and Heal a Relationship From Infidelity

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After the Affair - How to Forgive and Heal From Infidelity

Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good ones. It happens because of ego or stupidity or breakage. Or because of smugness or ignorance or a widening ache or an emptiness or the need to know ‘what else is there’. It happens because of arrogance or a lack of self-control or because of that thing in all of us that wants to feel adored or heroic or important or powerful or as though we matter. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity for this to happen is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t’ do any damage at all.

It happens because of lies, the big ones, the ones we tell ourselves – ‘it won’t mean anything’, ‘nobody will know’, ‘it won’t do any harm’. It happens because there is a moment that starts it all. One small, stupid, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing. A moment where there’s an almighty collision between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that all of us go through, and the world that is forbidden and exciting and hypnotic with promises. And all the while these worlds, they feel so separate, but they become tangled and woven, one into the other, and then that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again.

Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal. Infidelity steals the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be. It call everything into question – who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or were working towards, our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. It beats down self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people, but it doesn’t have to mean an end to the relationship.

Does infidelity mean a falling out of love?

Anything we humans are involved in is never black and white. The versions of grey can make good humans look like bad ones it can make love that is real feel dead for a while. Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.

Affairs often aren’t about people wanting to be in a different relationship, but about wanting the relationship they are in to be different. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy and nurturing – but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. It’s a critical part of healing the relationship and any repairing any breaks in the armour around you both that made it possible for someone else to walk through.

Does an affair mean the end of the relationship?

Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people. 

There are plenty of ways to hurt a relationship. Infidelity is just one of them.

Affairs cause devastating breakage in relationships, but they aren’t the only thing that can hurt a relationship. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of breakage, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship – withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement, or criticism. All of us, even the most loving, committed devoted of us will do these things from time to time.

How does an affair happen?

There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart.

We humans exist at our very best when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.

When an important need remains unmet, there are two options – and only two. We can either let go of the need, or change the environment in which we’re attempting to meet the need. It will be this way for all of us. When the need is an important one, letting go won’t be an option. This will create a splintering in the relationship, and the very real temptation to change the environment, as in, find someone else to meet the need/s that we actually want met by our partners.

Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets a need. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. And needs get hungry and people get tempted.

When affairs happen, it’s likely that at least one of three things has happened for the person having the affair:

  1. an awareness that ‘something’ is missing, without awareness of what that something is; 
  2. an awareness of exactly what is missing – an important need that has been hungry for too long – but a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this; 
  3. repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.

How to heal from an affair, together or apart.

For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back. 

First of all, where do things stand.

Is the affair over? Or has it been scared into submission, just for now.

If the affair is still going, and you’re pretending to work on your relationship, just take your partner’s heart in your hand and squeeze it hard. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while. Probably for a long while. This is why, for the person who had the affair, the privacy that was there before the affair (texts, phone calls, messages, emails, info about where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with), will be gone for a while. Some questions to explore together:

  • When did it end?
  • How did it end?
  • How do you know you won’t go back?
  • How do I believe that it’s over?
  • What if he or she gets in touch? What will you do?
  • What moves have you made to stop them contacting you?
  • You risked a lot for the affair to continue. What stopped the affair being worth the risk? What might make it worth the risk again? 
  • I’m suspicious. I’m paranoid. I’m insecure. I’m scared. I don’t trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can’t reach you, but I’m scared that if I stop, I’ll miss something. What can you do to help me feel safe again.

Is there genuine regret and remorse? 

Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened, and shows regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain the affair has caused, but for starting the affair in the first place. What’s important is that there is a commitment to protecting the relationship above all else, and letting go of the affair.

  • Would you still regret having the affair it if it wasn’t discovered? 
  • What do you regret about the affair?
  • How do you feel about it ending?
  • How do you feel about what it’s done to us and to me?
  • What was the story you told yourself to let the affair keep going?
  • Where does that story sit with you now?

Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And be honest.

Is there anything in this relationship that’s worth fighting for? Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals, such as raising children. There are no right or wrong answers, but if one person is satisfied with a relationship of convenience and the other wants love and connection, the healing isn’t going to happen. What’s more likely to happen is that the relationship will be fertile ground for loneliness, resentment and bitterness, and it will stay vulnerable. For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. They don’t have to be the same, but they have to be compatible. 

Do you genuinely want each other?

The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. We can’t meet everyone’s needs and sometimes, the relationship might no longer be able to meet the important needs of one or both of you. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death.

  • How to you feel about [the person you had the affair with]?
  • What do you miss?
  • How do you feel about me?
  • What did you miss?
  • What do you miss about me now?
  • What made the risk of losing me worth it?
  • What’s changed?
  • What is it about me that’s keeping you here?
  • What is it about us that’s worth fighting for?
  • How do you each about the relationship? 
  • How do you feel about each other? Can either of you see that changing?
  • What is it about the relationship that’s worth fighting for?
  • What is it about each other that’s worth fighting for?
If the decision is to stay, how to forgive and move forward.

How did the affair become possible?

For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem. What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. What it’s doing is finding the space in which the relationship can grow. If both people are claiming to have done everything they could and the affair happened, then there’s no room for growth and the relationship will stay vulnerable. 

Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. This will probably hurt to hear, but it’s not about blame. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability – the ability to respond. There can’t be an empowered, effective response if there is no awareness around what drove the affair and what needs to change in the relationship.

The person who had the affair delivered the final blow, but it’s likely that there were things that lead up to the relationship becoming vulnerable. Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. This doesn’t excuse the affair, but it will help it to make some sort of sense. Many hard conversations will need to happen.

If you were the one who was betrayed, you’ll be hurt and angry and scared, and you’ll have every right to feel that way. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable. 

Somewhere along the way, the person who had the affair and the person he or she had the affair with, had information about your relationship that you didn’t have. This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. They knew what the affair had that the relationship didn’t. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.

If you were the one who had the affair, it’s critical to look with honesty, courage and an open heart, at what you were getting from the affair that you weren’t getting from your relationship. It’s not enough to fall back on insecurities or deficiencies or your own personal flaws as excuses. This doesn’t answer anything and it lacks the courage and commitment needed to start putting your relationship and the one you love, back together. 

Explore together:

  • What did the affair give you that our relationship didn’t?
  • How did the affair make you feel that was different to the way you felt with me? More powerful? More noticed? Wanted? Loved? Desired? Nurtured? What was it?
  • Have you ever felt that way with me?
  • When did you stop feeling that way?
  • What changed?
  • What was the biggest difference between [the other person] and me?
  • What would you like me to do more of? Less of?
  • I know you want this relationship to work, but at the moment it’s not. What’s the biggest thing you need to be different. And then I’ll tell you mine.

Be honest. Can you meet the need? And do you want to?

    When you can understand what drove the affair, you can look at whether that need/s can be met within your relationship. Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.

    Sometimes the distance between two people becomes so vast that it can’t be put back together. If that’s the case, acknowledge it and decide openly and with love and strength, whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Nothing is more painful than fighting to hold on to something that isn’t fighting to hold back. If this is the case, be honest. Relationships in which somebody has important needs that can’t be relinquished and that aren’t being met, will be unsustainable. 

    Moving forward, staying forgiven and getting close. 

    To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship.

    As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Let me explain. Every time there is a gap in knowledge in your relationship – an unanswered text, a phone that is off or that goes through to voicemail, something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing where you are, being late home, not being where you said you would be – anything that can be associated with the affair or with the possibility that the affair is still continuing, can recreate the feelings associated with the betrayal. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. This will take time and it won’t be hurried.

    If you’re the one who has had the affair, your job now is to help your partner to feel safe again. To do this, make sure there is 100% accountability for as long as it takes for your partner to know that there is nothing else more to find out. The privacy that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be gone for a while.

    Know that for your partner, he or she he or she doesn’t want to be that person who doesn’t trust, and who is suspicious and paranoid – but that’s what affairs do. They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long it stays that way will depend a lot on how you handle things moving forward. Be accountable every minute of every day. Be an open book. Let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. Looking for information isn’t about wanting to catch you out, but about wanting to know that there is nothing to catch out. 

    For healing to happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while. Be the one who makes sure there are no gaps, no absences, no missing pieces in the day. And no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. For the one who has been hurt, there will be a period, sometimes for a year or more, where there will be a constant need to find evidence that the affair isn’t happening. It may become an obsession for a while. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, and the way to find relief from this is by searching for proof that the relationship is safe, that the affair is finished, and that it’s okay to trust again. 

    To the one who has been betrayed …

    Forgive yourself for feeling angry or sad or hateful or for not knowing what you want. Forgive yourself for everything you’re doing to feel okay. Forgive yourself for not knowing and for not asking the questions that were pressing against you when something didn’t feel right. And let go of any shame – for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards. None of the shame is yours to hold on to.

    Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. Forgive yourself if you missed something. This relationship involved two people. If you weren’t giving your partner something he or she needed, it was up to them to tell you so you could put it right. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too. It happens in all relationships from time to time. It’s the intensity and the duration of the unmet need that does the damage. You deserved the chance to know that something wasn’t right. And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. If you aren’t able to give your partner what he or she needs moving forward, forgive yourself for that too. Sometimes two great people don’t mean a great relationship. Sometimes it’s not the people who are broken, but the combination of you.

    You will always be someone’s very idea of beautifully and imperfectly perfect. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while.

    Right now though, you are going through a trauma. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether that it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve that. You always have.

    And finally …

    Every affair will redefine a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you. Some days you’ll hold steady and some days you’ll be okay and some days you’ll wonder how you’ll ever get back up. This is so normal and it’s all okay. You’re grieving for what you thought you had and what you thought you were working towards. You’re grieving for the person you thought you were with and or the relationship you thought you had. Those things are still there, but they’re different to what you thought. That doesn’t mean better or worse, just different. 

    Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.

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    54 Comments

    Natalie

    This article was so well written and gave some really good insight and advice. One week ago, my husband of 11 years confessed to me that he cheated on me while out of town for work. Needless to say, my world has been rocked and I have been a zombie version of myself for the last 7 days-I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and most days I’m just barely hanging on. Today was the first “good” day I’ve had. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I did not see this coming and I am just devastated that the love of my life would do something like this. We are currently separated, as we both needed time and space to think and grieve. I always said that infidelity was a deal breaker, but you never really know what you will do until you’re in that situation. At this moment, I want to stay married. There is too much between us to just let it all go. I know that it will be a difficult and painful process but I believe that our relationship is worth it. And I really believe that we can have a marriage that’s stronger and more intimate than before. I’m angry and hurt but I don’t hate him; he’s a really wonderful person who made an awful decision that has life-changing consequences. Although I want to work on our marriage, I don’t think he feels the same way and that just tears me apart even more. For all of you who took the time to comment, thank you for sharing your stories. While it’s heartbreaking that we are all going through this experience, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and not the only experiencing a roller coaster of emotion. To all of those trying to recover from an affair: take care of yourselves, get the help you need, surround yourself with people who love and support you. Love to all

    Reply
    A

    Hi Natalie –

    DDay for me was just a week before yours. Please focus on yourself and just take everything day by day. I’m lucky to have a couple of girlfriends and a good therapist to keep reminding me to put myself first- not our marriage, not him – myself. But yeah, they have to keep reminding me and I tell them to please keep reminding me. Quick deets about me/husband…we are living separately while getting marriage and individual counseling.

    I’m so sorry your husband doesn’t want to work on your marriage, but honestly, he probably has a lot of work to do on himself before you would be safe giving him another chance. That would mean a trial separation with personal therapy, marriage counseling…a lot of emotions and ugliness within himself to deal with on top of facing your pain and trauma. It’s been nearly 2 weeks since you posted but I’d be very interested to know if he has given you a better idea of where his heart is now.

    Instead of telling you more about my history, I just want to tell you what I’ve been doing to feel a bit better and more in control- less stuck I guess. Besides having a few good lady confidants and weekly therapy with my super awesome therapist, I read a book called A General Theory of Love, found a lovely online program about betrayal trauma called Bloom for Women, watched all of the Handmaid’s Tales episodes and started watching the Game of Thrones finally! I neeeever watched TV before but now I do – We can only take so much and need to clock out…luckily I have years of episodes to veg out to if need be.

    I downloaded a podcast and listened to it on a walk and enjoyed it very much- Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People is one of my favorites and exercise is boring so this makes it entertaining and productive, right?

    These are some ways I have found to self-comfort that don’t rely on other people because my therapist is $100+ an hour and my friends can only take on so much. We are all meeting in NOLA for Halloween – planning costumes and being together with everyone again is really a nice light to look forward to.

    Take it slow. Take your time. Find a way to self-comfort but PLEASE do not try to go through this alone. It took me almost a week but finally telling my friends what I was going through was probably the thing that helped me the most. It was so awkward to make those calls but I felt better than I had in so long afterwards.

    Talk to your closest friends. Find a good therapist- mine is a woman a little older than myself, and our marriage counselor (also his personal therapist) is a fit and fiery but compassionate 70 year old woman. Good therapists are out there so if your first choice isn’t a good fit, keep looking and asking for referrals. Get okay with being alone for now while working on yourself. Keep putting yourself first. Find someone to remind you to do so. <3

    Reply
    Smith Grayfer

    Great articule for me, well i have a more practical way of keeping a healthy relationship, its Trust, once i hired an hacker cyberebkey484 at gmail dot com, he accessed my wife’s phone and extracted her emails, social media messages including, facebook and whatsapp and even alot more, its all a lie, she had been lying since lord knows when, cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com even provided more evidence than i could handle, i really miss her but it broke my heart to see her cheating in what was indeed a strong relationship

    Reply
    Andy

    Hello, my name is Andy and I am an unfaithful husband. My wife and I have been trying to recover from my mistakes, but the going has been rough. I’ve done a terrible job throughout this whole process. I didn’t confess to her. I allowed the truth to trickle out instead of bringing it to her myself. As a result, she does not believe me about some things, even though I have no more truths to tell.

    But that’s not my reason for contacting you. The reason is, there is one thing that I haven’t been able to do for her and I need help doing it. It sounds so simple when I put it on paper, but it’s not so simple when it really comes time to do it. My wife tells me that she needs me to bring the affair up in conversation myself on a regular basis. Almost all of the conversations we’ve had about the affair have been initiated by her and she feels that I want to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. This isn’t true, but I can understand why she would think that way.

    It should be easy, but I just don’t know how to physically do it. Every time I try, it feels like the wrong time. If she’s having a good day, I don’t want to ruin that. If she’s having a bad day, I don’t want to make it worse. How do I initiate a conversation about the affair when I have no more new information to give her?

    Reply
    clayton

    my wife had an affair and it was shocking to me . it took about a month to get back to normal . Then slowly and strongly the memory began to excite me , im ashamed though , my wife’s affair excites me mercilouslyand i can’t stop myself from being a slave to its memory , i use her affair , im aroused thinking about her affair , i would never leave her because of an affair

    Reply
    tired

    I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and married for 11 years. We have a 7 year old and a 4 month old. My d day was in August when in found out my husband’s AP partner is our co worker and pregnant with his child. The whore is due next Friday. We have agreed to work on the marriage and I’ve agreed to accept the child. Most articles address not having contact with the AP. with a child being born he has to have contact and although I’m ok with him being in the kids life he wants to see the kid everyday. I forgot to mention that he formed an emotional connection with the b*tch. He says He s done and he won’t rekindle anything but I’m really lost as to what to do and what to expect. I know to give myself time to make a decision but I’m so up and down. This article was helpful…..but what do you do if a child is involved?

    Reply
    Karen Young

    When there is a child involved, the same issues apply. The difference is that the relationship with the other woman will never be over. It will hopefully change, but it is for you to decide whether you can move through the pain enough to work on your marriage, and whether you will be able to rebuild your trust in your husband, given that his relationship with the other woman will be ongoing. You also need to remember that there is no deadline for this to happen. You can take as long as you need to make your decision. The decision doesn’t have to happen now, next month or next year. You will always have an out if the depth of the betrayal feels too big to move through. Love and strength to you.

    Reply
    Gemma

    I am ashamed to say I had an affair almost two years ago, it lasted 5 months and although it has ended my husband found out through hacking my emails 6 months later. It was such an awful time. I bitterly regret hurting him and despite trying to hard to get our marriage back on track (we have 4 children too) we are going through a truly terrible episode at the moment. The slightest argument over the day to day mundane makes my husband throw everything back in my face and two years down the line it’s making me miserable and feel worthless. I am sorry for my actions but he doesn’t believe me. I think he is angry at himself for not having the strength to leave me and the kids despite deep down probably wanting to. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want him to leave me but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. He won’t go to counselling. I am feeling so low.

    Reply
    Anonymous

    I am in your situation. I have 4 beautiful children with my husband. I had an affair it lasted 8 weeks. It wasnt a sexual affair but an emotional affair. I have said I am sorry and I truly truly am, but like your husband, he keeps throwing it in my face. He reminds me about what I did wrong and that I have no right to be upset if he says anything hurtful because I lost that right when I cheated, he reminds me at least 3 times a day, and I am exhausted by the constant begging and pleading I am doing.
    I can’t offer you advice but I just want you to know you are not alone. Being the one who cheated you are also feeling alone and sad and hurt but you are made to feel your feelings are not worthy because you had the affair but this is not the case, we are human too.

    Reply

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