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Depression: Why Talking Isn’t Enough

Depression: Why Talking Isn't Enough

Talking about mental illness openly is an important step towards ridding humanity of a stigma that’s breathtaking in its ignorance and dangerous in its effect. But something more needs to happen.

The mental illness umbrella has a broad reach and the disorders that fall beneath it are as diverse as the people affected by them. Some disorders, such as anxiety and depression, lie on a spectrum of normal human behavior and it’s likely that most of us, if not all of us, have teetered somewhere within its reach.

The depth and breadth of the mental illness tag means that an illness such as depression, which is not dangerous to anyone but the sufferer, is being bundled with disorders that are. This continues to feed a stigma that pathologises not only the illness, but also the person. It has implications for all of us.

A formal diagnosis of clinical depression requires the presence of a cluster of symptoms over an extended period. The symptoms are characteristic of normal human experience – sadness, hopelessness, lack of vitality, lack of engagement, disordered sleeping and eating patterns. Each is a normal and valid human response though sometimes, the duration and intensity can become too much and this is when a diagnosis of clinical depression may follow.

I’ve never had clinical depression, but I’ve experienced sadness so deep and engulfing it stole me for a while. I can still remember the ache. I’ve felt desperately hopeless at times and on others frighteningly disengaged. I don’t know how it was that I found my way through. I just did. I also know, with every cell in my body that it could just as easily have gone the other way.

Depression is a deficiency in chemistry, not character. It can happen to anyone. Though it is true that some personality traits make people vulnerable to depression, those same traits also make those people warm, successful, wise, funny, kind, capable and strong. The strength needed to carry on each day with a mental illness is immense.

There is absolutely no evidence – none – that depression causes people to be dangerous or harmful. It’s true that many who have behaved anti-socially have depression, but they also have skin, parents, possibly a mortgage, a job, children. It’s a numbers game and the number of people who suffer from depression is so high, and its reach to exceptionally wide, that people with depression are going to be represented on some level in vile, criminal acts. Doctors and teachers will also be represented. So will diabetics, mothers and taxi drivers. That depression is sometimes represented in the profile of the anti-social does not mean it’s the cause and to suggest otherwise is spectacularly misinformed.

The need to understand and make sense of the world around us is something that has lead humanity to greatness on many fronts. It is our curiosity and our capacity to extend ourselves to satisfy that curiosity that progresses our relationships, society and humanity. It can also be our downfall.

Some things can’t be explained. For all of our collected wisdom, empathy and intelligence, some things just don’t make sense, and they never will. The drive for closure and for understanding means that society has a tendency to reach for anything to fill the knowledge gap. The easiest ‘anything’ will be that which we understand the least. When it comes to unfathomable human behavior, it’s often whatever mental illness diagnosis is within reach. This not only maintains the stigma, it flourishes it.

Talking about mental illness is important, but in order to destigmatise it, we need to demystify it. Depression can be understood as another adaptive process – a normal response to an often abnormal situation. We all have needs we cannot give up – the need for connection, appreciation and belonging are a few. If the need is not met, attempts will be made to let it go, ignore it or have it met elsewhere. If the need remains important, and the environment unsupportive, the need will be ignored but it will never disappear. The best way to ignore something is to push it well out of the way – to, quite literally, depress it.

The more we stigmatise depression, the more we inadvertently encourage this response. We stop talking. We stop normalising. We stop responding. Isolation, shame and disconnection thrive. The more we grab onto depression to explain the inexplicable, the more we encourage people to ‘depress’ and to keep quiet about their own struggles. The very thing we are fighting, we will force.

As long as we view depression as a maladaptive response, rather than embrace it as existing on the spectrum of a normal one, people will continue to depress. It’s no wonder then that depression is on the rise. We can only speculate as to how different the statistics would be if we were a humanity that embraced emotional vulnerability, rather than pathologised it. The capacity is there, just waiting on the will.

When we accept depression for what it is – a normal part of being human, perhaps then the stigma will start to loosen.

This article appeared on The Huffington Post UK on 1 April 2015. 

(Image Credit: Unsplash | Ravi Roshen)

4 Comments

Samantha

This article says it pretty much how I’ve tried to explain it to people who do not understand what I am going through – anxiety.

Karen, can you possibly point out some more science-y articles that can explain the physiological changes in the body that causes the feelings of depression and anxiety?

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David

I believe your article has tapped into a huge gap of knowledge and discussion. Thank you for writing it. It encouraged me to find new thought patterns that ultimately help me find meaning.

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When terrible things happen, we want to make sense of things for our kids, but we can’t. Not in a way that feels like enough. Some things will never make any sense at all.

But here’s what you need to know: You don’t need to make sense of what’s happened to help them feel safe and held. We only need to make sense of how they feel about it - whatever that might be.

The research tells us so clearly that kids and teens are more likely to struggle after a tr@umatic event if they believe their response isn’t normal. 

This is because they’ll be more likely to interpret their response as a deficiency or a sign of breakage.

Normalising their feelings also helps them feel woven into a humanity that is loving and kind and good, and who feels the same things they do when people are hurt. 

‘How you feel makes sense to me. I feel that way too. I know we’ll get through this, and right now it’s okay to feel sad/ scared/ angry/ confused/ outraged. Talk to me whenever you want to and as much as you want to. There’s nothing you can feel or say that I can’t handle.’

And when they ask for answers that you don’t have (that none of us have) it’s always okay to say ‘I don’t know.’ 

When this happens, respond to the anxiety behind the question. 

When we can’t give them certainty about the ‘why’, give them certainty that you’ll get them through this. 

‘I don’t know why people do awful things. And I don’t need to know that to know we’ll get through this. There are so many people who are working hard to keep us safe so something like this doesn’t happen again, and I trust them.’

Remind them that they are held by many - the helpers at the time, the people working to make things safer.

We want them to know that they are woven in to a humanity that is good and kind and loving. Because however many people are ready to do the hurting, there always be far more who are ready to heal, help, and protect. This is the humanity they are part of, and the humanity they continue to build by being who they are.♥️
It’s the simple things that are everything. We know play, conversation, micro-connections, predictability, and having a responsive reliable relationship with at least one loving adult, can make the most profound difference in buffering and absorbing the sharp edges of the world. Not all children will get this at home. Many are receiving it from childcare or school. It all matters - so much. 

But simple isn’t always easy. 

Even for children from safe, loving, homes with engaged, loving parent/s there is so much now that can swallow our kids whole if we let it - the unsafe corners of the internet; screen time that intrudes on play, connection, stillness, sleep, and joy; social media that force feeds unsafe ideas of ‘normal’, and algorithms that hijack the way they see the world. 

They don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to be enough. Enough to balance what they’re getting fed when they aren’t with us. Enough talking to them, playing with them, laughing with them, noticing them, enjoying them, loving and leading them. Not all the time. Just enough of the time. 

But first, we might have to actively protect the time when screens, social media, and the internet are out of their reach. Sometimes we’ll need to do this even when they fight hard against it. 

We don’t need them to agree with us. We just need to hear their anger or upset when we change what they’ve become used to. ‘I know you don’t want this and I know you’re angry at me for reducing your screen time. And it’s happening. You can be annoyed, and we’re still [putting phones and iPads in the basket from 5pm] (or whatever your new rules are).’♥️
What if schools could see every ‘difficult’ child as a child who feels unsafe? Everything would change. Everything.♥️
Consequences are about repair and restoration, and putting things right. ‘You are such a great kid. I know you would never be mean on purpose but here we are. What happened? Can you help me understand? What might you do differently next time you feel like this? How can we put this right? Do you need my help with that?’

Punishment and consequences that don’t make sense teach kids to steer around us, not how to steer themselves. We can’t guide them if they are too scared of the fallout to turn towards us when things get messy.♥️

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