How to Stop the Fear of Rejection From Holding You Back.

How to Stop the Fear of Rejection From Holding You Back

We humans can do anything – anything – but the fear of rejection is so powerful that it can make us step back from life in case we get hurt. That’s completely understandable. Completely. But we miss out on so much by doing that.

All of us at some point have done something bold and brave and daring – because the risk was worth it. We’ve chased, caught, kissed, asked, shared and bared our wanting soul for something that was too important to walk away from without trying.

Anyone who has lived life at all will know that sometimes those risks don’t pay off.  It hurts when that happens. Sometimes the pain can be breathtaking. Other times though. Other times those risks that come with a hefty chance of rejection, take you and your life somewhere extraordinary. It’s how the magic happens.

So let’s not pretend that rejection doesn’t sting. It does. Sometimes it’s excruciating- but we always find out way out of the fire. However hard we hit the ground, we always manage to get back up, dust off and keep moving forward.

[bctt tweet=”The right things will always find you – but first you might have to fight for them. Here’s how.”]

The fear of rejection is real. So are the things we miss out on because of it. Here’s how to stop it holding you back, so you can clear the path to the things that are too important to let slip away without fighting for them first:

  1. Look at what it will give you.

    There’s more to gain that what you’re going for. Whether or not you get what you want, there will be other things you’ll get from trying. Know that like any fear, every time you confront it, the easier it will be push through it next time. You’ll officially be braver, more resilient, smarter and more ready for next time – and there will always a next time. 

  2. What you focus on is what will become important. 

    You’ll always be able to think of more reasons not to take a chance than reasons to go for it, and there’s a reason for that. Humans are wired for survival, which means we tend to be risk averse. This pulls our focus more towards what we have to lose, than what we have to gain. Whatever you focus on is what will become important. Catch yourself fixing on the potential for rejection, and gently shift yourself towards what you have to gain. When it comes to the things that light you up, it’s never a numbers game. All the reasons not to take the chance just don’t matter, because the only one that matters is this: That risk you’re about to take might be the thing that takes you somewhere extraordinary. 

    [irp posts=”86″ name=”I Should What? Bigger, Bolder, Braver in 28 Moves or Less”]

     

  3. Rejection gets you closer to what you want.

    The right things will always find you, but sometimes you have to fight for them. Someone or something is waiting for you. Exactly you. Take the chance, because this might be it. If it’s not, know that you’re a step closer to what you’re looking for, and what’s looking for you. Keep going until you find it and know that whatever risks you take and whatever rejections you go through, none of it will matter when you find what you’re looking for – which you will.

  4. That thing that feels like death is actually shame.

    Fear of rejection comes down to a fear of shame. Shame exists to stop us doing stupid, anti-social (but sometimes really funny!) things, but too much of it will flatten you. The problem is that shame can start showing up for every party – but you don’t have to let it in. Shame can be awful – I know how awful it can be – but it’s never fatal. It’s never that. It’s controlling and it’s heavy handed, but it’s nothing you can’t deal with. It’s a really human emotion and we’ve all experienced it before. We’ll all experience it again. Some of us many times before the week is out. Don’t let it be the demon in the dark. See it, feel it and let it in. The more you can acknowledge it and recognise it for what it is, the less control it will have over you.

  5. Let yourself be vulnerable – it will be one of the best things about you.

    Taking a risk means being vulnerable. Own your vulnerability, for the beautiful, messy, very human quality it is, and know that it’s one of the best things about you. 

  6. Make it real.

    Is it more important that you stay safe or more important that you have a go? How will your life be different if you get what you want? What will happen if you get rejected? Who will care? How important is that to you? What would it be like to give up right now and make the decision to stay safe? What will you miss out on? Understand the full consequences of your decisions, and remember that not making a decision is still making a decision. You spend so much time on the consequences of not getting what you want. Fears are often faceless – they feel bad but lack substance and are often related to feelings and thoughts that are leftover from long ago. Tease them into the sunlight so you can have a good look at them. Then you can decide what to do with them.

  7. Let your fear win.

    Okay. Stay with me. When deciding whether or not to take a risk, we spend our time between what it would be like to get what we want, and what it would be like to be rejected – but it’s all speculation. What we don’t do is feel what it would be like not to take the chance at all. The force to move comes from fully experiencing what ‘is’. Decide not to take the risk. Decide to let go of what you want, and spend some time fully experiencing what that’s like for you. Walk away, turn your back, and feel it. Really feel it. It’s very likely that if something is really important to you, deciding to walk away without fighting for it will feel really bad. So bad that you’ll be motivated to take the chance, because as bad as rejection might feel, giving up on something you really want will feel worse.

  8. Don’t hesitate. Take a breath and jump.

    We turn so much of life into a waiting game – waiting for the right time, the right day, the right moment, the right feeling, the right ‘one’. These are all the excuses w call on to feel better about not taking the chance that might lead to the very thing we want. Waiting breathes life into fear. It’s one moment. Don’t make it bigger than that, because if that one moment doesn’t go as planned you’ll be fine. You really will. Because it’s one moment of so many more to come. When it comes to the things that ignite you, there are risks that will always be worth taking. The risk you might miss out by waiting too long isn’t one of them. 

  9. Trust your capacity to cope.

    If you get knocked down, you’ll get back up. You’ll cope. You really will. Don’t believe your head if it tries to tell you otherwise. It’s just trying to keep you safe. You’ll always be stronger than you think you are.

    [irp posts=”771″ name=”The Way to Thrive: Emotional Intelligence – What, Why, How”]

     

  10. Thoughts, feeling and action.

    What we do is driven by three things – thoughts, feelings and action. The mistake we make is letting thoughts and feelings rule the day. The feeling is fear – and yeah – it’s a big one, but so it courage. That sense of feeling stuck comes when thoughts are allowed to build up fear more than courage. Thoughts are sly little ponies that make feelings bigger than some of them deserve to be. Behaviour is often driven automatically by thoughts and feelings but it doesn’t have to be. The key to doing something differently is to be more deliberate. Separate thoughts, feelings and actions, see them for what they are, and make more conscious decisions. You can think scared, feel scared, and act brave. Sometimes it’s good to let your heart lead the way – your head will catch up when it’s ready.

  11. Take the hit.

    Rejection is part of life. The only way to avoid it is to live half-heartedly – and you’re meant for better than that. Risk always comes with the potential for happiness and the potential for heartache intertwined – it’s why it’s called a risk. When you open yourself up to reward, you’re also opening yourself up to rejection, but to shut down the risk of rejection is also to shut down the possibility of reward. Rejection won’t break you, but regret has a way of changing you forever.

  12. For long will it matter?

    Will the rejection matter in tomorrow? In a week? A month? A year from now? 

  13. See rejection as opportunity.

    Part of finding out what’s right for you is finding out what isn’t – and the only way to know that is by checking it out. Sometimes you have to move towards things so if nothing else, they’ll move out of the way and free up the space for the right things to find their way to you.

  14. What if rejection is the beginning.

    What if rejection isn’t an ending but the beginning of something new – a new path, a new career, a new city, a new chance to love and be loved right back. With rejection comes new opportunities that you couldn’t have seen coming. Take the chance – you’ll either end up with what you want or one step closer to it.

  15. What would you tell your best friend to do?

    What would your advice be to someone you love? ‘Go for it,’ or ‘You’ve got this,’ or ‘Rejection won’t break you so just do it,’  – or – ‘Yeah no. Best stay safe,’ or ‘Bit risky – best not.’ It’s very possible that the advice you would give to someone else is different to the advice you would give to yourself because when it’s someone else, you’re free from the bad feelings that come with rejection. Here’s what you need to remember: The pain of rejection is just a feeling. It’s not a life sentence and it’s not a defect. It’s your brain doing what sad brains do for a while. Like all feelings it will come, and then it will leave you alone. It’s easy to help other people to fly because you can see the reward and the rejection for what it is – the chance of temporary pain for the chance of something wonderful. You deserve the same wisdom.

    [irp posts=”723″ name=”14 Moves to Get You Out Of Your Way”]

     

  16. And whose messages are they?

    If the fear of rejection is holding you back, where are the messages coming rom? We’re all a messy wonderland of ‘should’s’ and ‘should not’s’ and usually, they’re the messages we took on while we were growing up – from schools, parents and experience. They become the automatic drivers of behaviour. Check your messages around risk and rejection and whether those messages still work for you or whether they stifle you. When messages become automatic, they prescribe behaviour across all situations, rather than selectively. You’re in a different environment now, with new wisdom and new truths. If the old ones are holding you back, shine a light on them and show them the door. Staying safe might have worked really well for you once – but maybe not so much anymore, not in every situation anyway. Your memories of not succeeding might be loaded with shame and awful feelings. If you’re with different people and in a different environment, it doesn’t have to be that way any more. Rather than living by the old, automatic, unexamined messages about what you ‘should’ do and who you ‘should’ be, find them and see if they’re still relevant. Do they help you or do they get in your way? If they’re not serving you well, get rid of them..

  17. Talk about it.

    Rejection almost always gives you a good story to tell. Own it, because it’s yours – and use it to bring the best of you into full view – the positive, funny, brave, resilient parts of you that might otherwise stay hidden.

Playing it safe will keep us safe, but it won’t do much more than that. Life happens in the deep water, with the  waves, the chaos and the unknown. Somewhere between the fear of failing and the courage for it not to matter is where the magic lives. It’s the deep breath in, the brave step forward and the boldness to live life like you own it that actually makes a life. It’s the stuff of passion, ignition, courage and full living.

The biggest threat to getting what you want is your decision to stay safe. Be proud of your brave, fierce, open heart and listen to it – it will take you to where you need to be.  

13 Comments

Jen H

I wish it was this easy, for me its not. But I’ve learned to fake it because that’s what the world expects, the price of doing business. It doesn’t get easier, and it sucks away the joy of the experience, because its ongoing. For me, jumping in the water, deep or shallow, is ice-cold. And it never warms up…

Reply
Martha

This is the best I have read…the reminder that fear is faceless! I will always remind myself of this everytime I find myself frozen in fear of the unknown. You are so encouraging I almost feel for a moment like I can do it right away, whatever I have been postponing for years.

Reply
Justin

I’m shocked at how much this related to me. I just got rejected today, but after reading this article, I realized that I am glad that I did go for it and asked the girl I liked out. It is better that I went for it, rather than always wondering what her answer might have been.

Thank you for helping me.

Reply
James E

thank you for this page,you clarified everything i need to hear.i wasnt raised in a normal family.so i dont have people skills.but your page was so soft i escaped the chaos for a min reading your page.thank you.jimmy

Reply
Ben

Hey great article!:) I was wondering though if one really recovers fully from rejection. Wont our self-image be affected, causing self-fulfilling prophecies to harm us permanently? After I got rejected by a girl I noticed that I was way more frightened to ask a girl out the next time.
Isnt risk taking safe only, if you dont take failure personally?

Reply
Sharon

Hi Ben,
Risk and safe are opposites. Playing safe is not participating at all.
Like Karen wrote, rejection triggers shame and that emotion is the one you need to say goodbye to. Once you no longer make the connection between rejection and shame you are home free.
Question is why does rejection bring in shame? what is so shameful about being rejected? and also, that emotion is yours alone. no one else shares it with you. so you actually have the power to decide if you want it around or not 🙂

Reply
Amit

I was researching about fear of rejection. I have read so many article but this is my last article because I have found everything here that I was searching for.
Thanks Karen for providing such a great and valuable information. 🙂

Reply
Patricia

Please expand on the concept of shame. I can’t quite wrap my head around it, though I know it must be a part of my struggle as a daughter of a full-fledged judgmental narcissistic mother and a just as judgemental but codependent father. I am just now at age 60 beginning to find and use my voice and recognize that fear of failure has limited me for years. I recognize the description that shame feels like death, but I’m having trouble with the concept and how it’s played a part in my life. Thanks.

Reply
Sue F

Hi Patricia. There are some fantastic books relating to shame and its impact on us. I’m 62 and all throughout my life various things that happened in my family just didn’t feel right but I could never put a name to it. Last year I discovered that it was shame. It was a real eye opener. I’ve also discovered some tools to help me with the “shamers”! The one thing that I learned was that it wasn’t me. Good luck!

Reply
Patricia

Thanks for your reply, Sue. I had the exact same feelings, beginning in adolescence or before, and persisting through adulthood, even now, but not until the last few years could I put my finger on it. I’ve read many books on toxic parents and narcissism, but now I’ll be doing a search for books specifically on shame.
Thanks for the suggestion.

Reply
Marianne

Brene Brown’s books on shame are amazing. Read them and change the way you perceive yourself and others. You think it is just you, but shame effects everyone.

Reply

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Anxiety shows up to check that you’re okay, not to tell you that you’re not. It’s your brain’s way of saying, ‘Not sure - there might be some trouble here, but there might not be, but just in case you should be ready for it if it comes, which it might not – but just in case you’d better be ready to run or fight – but it might be totally fine.’ Brains can be so confusing sometimes! 

You have a brain that is strong, healthy and hardworking. It’s magnificent and it’s doing a brilliant job of doing exactly what brains are meant to do – keep you alive. 

Your brain is fabulous, but it needs you to be the boss. Here’s how. When you feel anxious, ask yourself two questions:

- ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger or because there’s something brave or important I need to do?’

- Then, ‘Is this a time for me to be safe (sometimes it might be) or is this a time for me to be brave?

And remember, you will always have ‘brave’ in you, and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.♥️

#positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #parenting #childanxiety #heywarrior #heywarriorbook
The temptation to fix their big feelings can be seismic. Often this is connected to needing to ease our own discomfort at their discomfort, which is so very normal.

Big feelings in them are meant to raise (sometimes big) feelings in us. This is all a healthy part of the attachment system. It happens to mobilise us to respond to their distress, or to protect them if their distress is in response to danger.

Emotion is energy in motion. We don’t want to bury it, stop it, smother it, and we don’t need to fix it. What we need to do is make a safe passage for it to move through them. 

Think of emotion like a river. Our job is to hold the ground strong and steady at the banks so the river can move safely, without bursting the banks.

However hard that river is racing, they need to know we can be with the river (the emotion), be with them, and handle it. This might feel or look like you aren’t doing anything, but actually it’s everything.

The safety that comes from you being the strong, steady presence that can lovingly contain their big feelings will let the emotional energy move through them and bring the brain back to calm.

Eventually, when they have lots of experience of us doing this with them, they will learn to do it for themselves, but that will take time and experience. The experience happens every time you hold them steady through their feelings. 

This doesn’t mean ignoring big behaviour. For them, this can feel too much like bursting through the banks, which won’t feel safe. Sometimes you might need to recall the boundary and let them know where the edges are, while at the same time letting them see that you can handle the big of the feeling. Its about loving and leading all at once. ‘It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to use those words at me.’

Ultimately, big feelings are a call for support. Sometimes support looks like breathing and being with. Sometimes it looks like showing them you can hold the boundary, even when they feel like they’re about to burst through it. And if they’re using spicy words to get us to back off, it might look like respecting their need for space but staying in reaching distance, ‘Ok, I’m right here whenever you need.’♥️
We all need certain things to feel safe enough to put ourselves into the world. Kids with anxiety have magic in them, every one of them, but until they have a felt sense of safety, it will often stay hidden.

‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what they feel. At school, they might have the safest, most loving teacher in the safest, most loving school. This doesn’t mean they will feel enough relational safety straight away that will make it easier for them to do hard things. They can still do those hard things, but those things are going to feel bigger for a while. This is where they’ll need us and their other anchor adult to be patient, gentle, and persistent.

Children aren’t meant to feel safe with and take the lead from every adult. It’s not the adult’s role that makes the difference, but their relationship with the child.

Children are no different to us. Just because an adult tells them they’ll be okay, it doesn’t mean they’ll feel it or believe it. What they need is to be given time to actually experience the person as being safe, supportive and ready to catch them.

Relationship is key. The need for safety through relationship isn’t an ‘anxiety thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’. When we feel closer to the people around us, we can rise above the mountains in our way. When we feel someone really caring about us, we’re more likely to open up to their influence
and learn from them.

But we have to be patient. Even for teachers with big hearts and who undertand the importance of attachment relationships, it can take time.

Any adult at school can play an important part in helping a child feel safe – as long as that adult is loving, warm, and willing to do the work to connect with that child. It might be the librarian, the counsellor, the office person, a teacher aide. It doesn’t matter who, as long as it is someone who can be available for that child at dropoff or when feelings get big during the day and do little check-ins along the way.

A teacher, or any important adult can make a lasting difference by asking, ‘How do I build my relationship with this child so s/he trusts me when I say, ‘I’ve got you, and I know you can do this.’♥️
There is a beautiful ‘everythingness’ in all of us. The key to living well is being able to live flexibly and more deliberately between our edges.

So often though, the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ we inhale in childhood and as we grow, lead us to abandon some of those precious, needed parts of us. ‘Don’t be angry/ selfish/ shy/ rude. She’s not a maths person.’ ‘Don’t argue.’ Ugh.

Let’s make sure our children don’t cancel parts of themselves. They are everything, but not always all at once. They can be anxious and brave. Strong and soft. Angry and calm. Big and small. Generous and self-ish. Some things they will find hard, and they can do hard things. None of these are wrong ways to be. What trips us up is rigidity, and only ever responding from one side of who we can be.

We all have extremes or parts we favour. This is what makes up the beautiful, complex, individuality of us. We don’t need to change this, but the more we can open our children to the possibility in them, the more options they will have in responding to challenges, the everyday, people, and the world. 

We can do this by validating their ‘is’ without needing them to be different for a while in the moment, and also speaking to the other parts of them when we can. 

‘Yes maths is hard, and I know you can do hard things. How can I help?’

‘I can see how anxious you feel. That’s so okay. I also know you have brave in you.’

‘I love your ‘big’ and the way you make us laugh. You light up the room.’ And then at other times: ‘It can be hard being in a room with new people can’t it. It’s okay to be quiet. I could see you taking it all in.’

‘It’s okay to want space from people. Sometimes you just want your things and yourself for yourself, hey. I feel like that sometimes too. I love the way you know when you need this.’ And then at other times, ‘You looked like you loved being with your friends today. I loved watching you share.’

The are everything, but not all at once. Our job is to help them live flexibly and more deliberately between the full range of who they are and who they can be: anxious/brave; kind/self-ish; focussed inward/outward; angry/calm. This will take time, and there is no hurry.♥️

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