Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good ones. It happens because of ego or stupidity or breakage. Or because of smugness or ignorance or a widening ache or an emptiness or the need to know ‘what else is there’. It happens because of arrogance or a lack of self-control or because of that thing in all of us that wants to feel adored or heroic or important or powerful or as though we matter. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity for this to happen is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t’ do any damage at all.
It happens because of lies, the big ones, the ones we tell ourselves – ‘it won’t mean anything’, ‘nobody will know’, ‘it won’t do any harm’. It happens because there is a moment that starts it all. One small, stupid, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing. A moment where there’s an almighty collision between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that all of us go through, and the world that is forbidden and exciting and hypnotic with promises. And all the while these worlds, they feel so separate, but they become tangled and woven, one into the other, and then that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again.
Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal. Infidelity steals the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be. It call everything into question – who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or were working towards, our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. It beats down self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people, but it doesn’t have to mean an end to the relationship.
Does infidelity mean a falling out of love?
Anything we humans are involved in is never black and white. The versions of grey can make good humans look like bad ones it can make love that is real feel dead for a while. Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.
Affairs often aren’t about people wanting to be in a different relationship, but about wanting the relationship they are in to be different. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy and nurturing – but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. It’s a critical part of healing the relationship and any repairing any breaks in the armour around you both that made it possible for someone else to walk through.
Does an affair mean the end of the relationship?
Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.
There are plenty of ways to hurt a relationship. Infidelity is just one of them.
Affairs cause devastating breakage in relationships, but they aren’t the only thing that can hurt a relationship. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of breakage, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship – withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement, or criticism. All of us, even the most loving, committed devoted of us will do these things from time to time.
How does an affair happen?
There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart.
We humans exist at our very best when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.
When an important need remains unmet, there are two options – and only two. We can either let go of the need, or change the environment in which we’re attempting to meet the need. It will be this way for all of us. When the need is an important one, letting go won’t be an option. This will create a splintering in the relationship, and the very real temptation to change the environment, as in, find someone else to meet the need/s that we actually want met by our partners.
Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets a need. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. And needs get hungry and people get tempted.
When affairs happen, it’s likely that at least one of three things has happened for the person having the affair:
- an awareness that ‘something’ is missing, without awareness of what that something is;
- an awareness of exactly what is missing – an important need that has been hungry for too long – but a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this;
- repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.
How to heal from an affair, together or apart.
For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back.
First of all, where do things stand.
Is the affair over? Or has it been scared into submission, just for now.
If the affair is still going, and you’re pretending to work on your relationship, just take your partner’s heart in your hand and squeeze it hard. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while. Probably for a long while. This is why, for the person who had the affair, the privacy that was there before the affair (texts, phone calls, messages, emails, info about where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with), will be gone for a while. Some questions to explore together:
- When did it end?
- How did it end?
- How do you know you won’t go back?
- How do I believe that it’s over?
- What if he or she gets in touch? What will you do?
- What moves have you made to stop them contacting you?
- You risked a lot for the affair to continue. What stopped the affair being worth the risk? What might make it worth the risk again?
- I’m suspicious. I’m paranoid. I’m insecure. I’m scared. I don’t trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can’t reach you, but I’m scared that if I stop, I’ll miss something. What can you do to help me feel safe again.
Is there genuine regret and remorse?
Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened, and shows regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain the affair has caused, but for starting the affair in the first place. What’s important is that there is a commitment to protecting the relationship above all else, and letting go of the affair.
- Would you still regret having the affair it if it wasn’t discovered?
- What do you regret about the affair?
- How do you feel about it ending?
- How do you feel about what it’s done to us and to me?
- What was the story you told yourself to let the affair keep going?
- Where does that story sit with you now?
Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And be honest.
Is there anything in this relationship that’s worth fighting for? Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals, such as raising children. There are no right or wrong answers, but if one person is satisfied with a relationship of convenience and the other wants love and connection, the healing isn’t going to happen. What’s more likely to happen is that the relationship will be fertile ground for loneliness, resentment and bitterness, and it will stay vulnerable. For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. They don’t have to be the same, but they have to be compatible.
Do you genuinely want each other?
The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. We can’t meet everyone’s needs and sometimes, the relationship might no longer be able to meet the important needs of one or both of you. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death.
- How to you feel about [the person you had the affair with]?
- What do you miss?
- How do you feel about me?
- What did you miss?
- What do you miss about me now?
- What made the risk of losing me worth it?
- What’s changed?
- What is it about me that’s keeping you here?
- What is it about us that’s worth fighting for?
- How do you each about the relationship?
- How do you feel about each other? Can either of you see that changing?
- What is it about the relationship that’s worth fighting for?
- What is it about each other that’s worth fighting for?
If the decision is to stay, how to forgive and move forward.
How did the affair become possible?
For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem. What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. What it’s doing is finding the space in which the relationship can grow. If both people are claiming to have done everything they could and the affair happened, then there’s no room for growth and the relationship will stay vulnerable.
Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. This will probably hurt to hear, but it’s not about blame. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability – the ability to respond. There can’t be an empowered, effective response if there is no awareness around what drove the affair and what needs to change in the relationship.
The person who had the affair delivered the final blow, but it’s likely that there were things that lead up to the relationship becoming vulnerable. Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. This doesn’t excuse the affair, but it will help it to make some sort of sense. Many hard conversations will need to happen.
If you were the one who was betrayed, you’ll be hurt and angry and scared, and you’ll have every right to feel that way. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable.
Somewhere along the way, the person who had the affair and the person he or she had the affair with, had information about your relationship that you didn’t have. This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. They knew what the affair had that the relationship didn’t. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.
If you were the one who had the affair, it’s critical to look with honesty, courage and an open heart, at what you were getting from the affair that you weren’t getting from your relationship. It’s not enough to fall back on insecurities or deficiencies or your own personal flaws as excuses. This doesn’t answer anything and it lacks the courage and commitment needed to start putting your relationship and the one you love, back together.
Explore together:
- What did the affair give you that our relationship didn’t?
- How did the affair make you feel that was different to the way you felt with me? More powerful? More noticed? Wanted? Loved? Desired? Nurtured? What was it?
- Have you ever felt that way with me?
- When did you stop feeling that way?
- What changed?
- What was the biggest difference between [the other person] and me?
- What would you like me to do more of? Less of?
- I know you want this relationship to work, but at the moment it’s not. What’s the biggest thing you need to be different. And then I’ll tell you mine.
Be honest. Can you meet the need? And do you want to?
When you can understand what drove the affair, you can look at whether that need/s can be met within your relationship. Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.
Sometimes the distance between two people becomes so vast that it can’t be put back together. If that’s the case, acknowledge it and decide openly and with love and strength, whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Nothing is more painful than fighting to hold on to something that isn’t fighting to hold back. If this is the case, be honest. Relationships in which somebody has important needs that can’t be relinquished and that aren’t being met, will be unsustainable.
Moving forward, staying forgiven and getting close.
To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship.
As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Let me explain. Every time there is a gap in knowledge in your relationship – an unanswered text, a phone that is off or that goes through to voicemail, something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing where you are, being late home, not being where you said you would be – anything that can be associated with the affair or with the possibility that the affair is still continuing, can recreate the feelings associated with the betrayal. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. This will take time and it won’t be hurried.
If you’re the one who has had the affair, your job now is to help your partner to feel safe again. To do this, make sure there is 100% accountability for as long as it takes for your partner to know that there is nothing else more to find out. The privacy that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be gone for a while.
Know that for your partner, he or she he or she doesn’t want to be that person who doesn’t trust, and who is suspicious and paranoid – but that’s what affairs do. They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long it stays that way will depend a lot on how you handle things moving forward. Be accountable every minute of every day. Be an open book. Let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. Looking for information isn’t about wanting to catch you out, but about wanting to know that there is nothing to catch out.
For healing to happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while. Be the one who makes sure there are no gaps, no absences, no missing pieces in the day. And no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. For the one who has been hurt, there will be a period, sometimes for a year or more, where there will be a constant need to find evidence that the affair isn’t happening. It may become an obsession for a while. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, and the way to find relief from this is by searching for proof that the relationship is safe, that the affair is finished, and that it’s okay to trust again.
To the one who has been betrayed …
Forgive yourself for feeling angry or sad or hateful or for not knowing what you want. Forgive yourself for everything you’re doing to feel okay. Forgive yourself for not knowing and for not asking the questions that were pressing against you when something didn’t feel right. And let go of any shame – for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards. None of the shame is yours to hold on to.
Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. Forgive yourself if you missed something. This relationship involved two people. If you weren’t giving your partner something he or she needed, it was up to them to tell you so you could put it right. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too. It happens in all relationships from time to time. It’s the intensity and the duration of the unmet need that does the damage. You deserved the chance to know that something wasn’t right. And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. If you aren’t able to give your partner what he or she needs moving forward, forgive yourself for that too. Sometimes two great people don’t mean a great relationship. Sometimes it’s not the people who are broken, but the combination of you.
You will always be someone’s very idea of beautifully and imperfectly perfect. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while.
Right now though, you are going through a trauma. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether that it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve that. You always have.
And finally …
Every affair will redefine a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you. Some days you’ll hold steady and some days you’ll be okay and some days you’ll wonder how you’ll ever get back up. This is so normal and it’s all okay. You’re grieving for what you thought you had and what you thought you were working towards. You’re grieving for the person you thought you were with and or the relationship you thought you had. Those things are still there, but they’re different to what you thought. That doesn’t mean better or worse, just different.
Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.
Can you ever forgive if you can’t forget? Even if I can manage the forgiveness, I most definitely cannot forgot it. My story, like most is filled with pain. My husband cheated on me for two years with two different women. The first, his ex gf (who is also married) inboxed him a few months before our wedding. He then, bought her a plane ticket and hotel on our rehearsal dinner, also the same day my grandpa died. Before our first Christmas and husband and wife, he already had sex with her but she lived miles away and this was mainly a emotional relationship. This continues for several months. Ah, our first year anniversary. I went to visit my sick aunt while he “studied” for school. He did fly out to see me but stayed in a different hotel room. At this point he hasn’t touched me in 6 months. Fast forward, the trip was awful. He was distracted and mean. He looked miserable. The day I landed and opened the door to our apartment, the apartment we got engaged in. I just knew something was wrong. Someone was there. I could actually smell her. I confronted him that night and he told me he was “just talking to his ex” but denied anyone in the apartment. I was devastated! I literally fell to the ground. He walked right over my body. So I eventually got up off the ground and a few days pass. He was still being a jerk. Going to the gym for hours and coming home late. Well, I kicked him out. Told him, he needed to be moved out before I got home. He did that. Later that night he text me “this sucks, good night”. I did not respond. Then we began to talk again. But it still was off. He agreed to go to counseling and that was the saving grace. We were doing well in establishing a friendship and relationship but was not romantic. I couldn’t figure out why. Then, one early morning I got my answer. An inbox from another woman only this one is 16 years older than him making her 50! They met at the gym. Oh and that weird feeling I had when I walked in my apartment. She was there while he was “studying”. She stayed over for 2 nights and they had sex on our couch. The same couch I rolled up into a ball and sobbed my eyes out. He also bought a house without my knowledge and went on several vacations while we were separated. The betrayal is the worst. I hate my wedding day. I hate our first moments as husband and wife. And I still have really bad days. But I believe my husband is sorry. I believe he made very awful mistakes, unfortunately I paid for them, well that’s what I believed at time. But then, some moments of clarity happen. Happy people do not destroy their lives. I didn’t know it at the time but my husband was suffering too. Sure, most people would read this and think he’s a total asshole and a waste. And maybe at one time he was. But my pain, though it still hurts at times will get better. He has to live with what he did. And so my answer to anyone who has a similar story. At first it seems impossible to forgive. Because the memories haunt you. I could actually feel them together if I closed my eyes. But you deserve so much more than to feel pain and suffering. You deserve to be happy. And I choose happiness. My past is not who I am. My time apart from my husband made me grow and find me. When we got back together, I found out I didn’t lose myself in him like before. Our marriage is not perfect but I’m happy to say, after all that, we are expecting our first baby together. A life that almost never was. Learn to let it go so you can be happy again. Choose today, you deserve more.
My fiance and I are 24 years old. We have been together about 3 years and have a 5 month old baby girl. Our relationship is pretty good as we dont argue often and treat eachother well. Well when I was 8 months pregnant I found out he was using multiple online social media sites to cheat on me with multiple women. I read 30+ conversations between him and other women I’ve never met or seen before talking about having sex with each other and sending all kinds of pictures back and forth. This was apparently going on for 4 months behind my back while I was at work and when I would sleep. He managed to keep it all a secret and only logged in when I was away from home or sleeping or in the shower. He treats me well and is super nice and everything but did all of that behind my back for months while I was pregnant with his first baby and I’m devastated to my core. Now he talks about marriage and wants to get married this October but I still havent moved on from what I found out almost a year ago now. I dont feel like I could ever trust again and I don’t know how to forgive and move forward. He has broken my trust before but nothing this serious and he claims he never met up in person with them. That it was all online and he did it for attention since I was 8 months pregnant and didnt give him enough attention apparently. He says hes sorry and wont do it again but it feels like he only apologized because he got caught. I have nightmares about his infidelity almost every night and dread my future with him because of trust issues. However we have a baby together and hes great with the baby and I don’t want her to grow up going back and forth so I want to fix it but I dont know how to forgive him.
He still sees her but says he is at the gym. But he think I don’t know. He hides truth from me. I just forgive. I’m desperate for his love.
I like that you said that for a relationship to heal from a betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. My sister’s husband recently admitted to an infidelity and she is understandably having a really hard time with it. I think that it might be smart for them to go to counseling so that they have a safe space to be honest with each other as well as someone that can help them through everything.
I have been with my partner 4 14 yrs, we fell in love as teenagers and have always been together. I took a seriously wrong turn 3 yrs ago by turning to drugs in order to cope with physical pain but also cope with inadequacy that I placed upon myself. I lied for 2 yrs to her about it until it all culminated into charges and 1yr jail time.
I was suspicious and kept accusing her of being with other people I think due to my guilt.
2 months b4 I was released she started being with someone I knew. She stopped it 3 weeks b4 I got out. She hid it from me for 2 months once I was out. That was 4 days ago. She couldn’t stand the guilt. She has always been a pinnacle of honesty, I have always had a problem telling the truth if i think it will hurt her. We became distant when I was lying, and I repeatedly put her down and made her feel worthless.
She says it happened for 2 reasons. 1 was to hurt me like I did her. 2 was she had been starved for love and affection by me and needed it.
I accept her reasons, I can see how I caused her to feel how she did.
She set boundaries with the other guy, boundaries that I appreciate. She said when I was inside that how could we b together when I put myself there. I didn’t listen at the time. Now I’m realizing that I need to believe that we were not together at the time it happened in order to be able to move on.
I’ve found things that are still sacred to just us, and I now need to feel exclusivity with her.
I always thought I would just kill myself if this happened, I have a history of attempts, yet I can’t do it.
Instead I’m not yelling or name calling or running her down about it like I have in the past(for no proper reason).
Instead I am understanding and accepting why she felt this way. Am I processing this properly?
I can see, hear and feel how bad she feels about it all.
I suddenly find it easier to talk to her then I have in a long time. I feel like it doesn’t matter what truth I tell her now as it can’t b that bad compared to what she did.
I’m telling her not to h8 herself as I don’t hate her. I can’t c adding anymore pain to this situation can help it in anyway.
I keep getting images and words stuck in my head, its torment.
She is doing and saying things to make me feel secure.
I feel bad that she’s hurting from this. I feel responsible for it all, that I drove her to it.
She cut connections to him on her own b4 I got out.she Told him to never talk or go near her again.
I can see that she’s taking this seriously, she keeps putting herself down, saying how could I want her, she feels disgusting. I keep trying to reassure her, I havnt judged her or labelled her over this.
Am I working thru this in a healthy way?
I feel bad that she feels so terrible.
I am really lost inside, I’m trying to just hold onto the positives – she told me herself, she stopped it, she set boundaries so she was in control and if she was in control then I feel she was only using him. No love.
It’s been 4 years since I found out that my husband of 14 years (at the time) was cheating. Not only that, he was cheating with our daughter-in-law, who was living with us at the time. Now I know better than to let another woman live in my house…but this was our son’s wife, our daughter-in-law. Plus, I truly believed that my husband was one of the very few men who would ever cheat. Haha!
I mean, my husband even hated a country band just because they had a song about cheating…
My husband has always been so overly loving and attentive. He would text me all throughout the day. Then, all of a sudden he was cold and distant. Very cold! No texts at all. I knew something was wrong with my husband but I just couldn’t figure it out. I even sat with my daughter-in-law talking through what could possibly be going on with him. I even told her that he acts like there is another woman..but not my man…when would he have time? He goes to work and he comes home. I was puzzled.
Before I found out I even begged him. I mean I consider myself to be a strong woman….but I begged him for affection…something other than the coldness that he was giving me. I feel like a fool. I dropped to my knees and literally pleaded with him. I don’t know that I will ever get over that…..the feeling of being a fool. That’s a hard one.
We did seek out counseling from our Pastor. It’s been 4 years now and I dunno. This has definitely changed everything…for me at least. From the outside, we seem the same. I believe from my husband’s perspective things are mostly the same….but for me, it will never be the same.
We are working through this but it isn’t easy… It’s extremely hard to have intimacy without visions popping into my head. I’m really not trying to dwell on what happened, because it makes me miserable….but there are times in each and every day that those thoughts cross my mind. My husband said that for him, it’s in the past. He’s sorry but he cannot change what happened so he never thinks about it at all. That makes me furious! That I can’t go a day without being tormented by those thoughts coming into my head…and he lives on as if nothing ever happened.
I cried throughout reading this article because you touched on so many things that I’m feeling….even 4 years later. It’s like someone gets it. I don’t know anyone personally who has stuck with their cheating spouse. When I talk to my church friends…they just let me spill my guts and then we pray. No answers. Then when I talk to my other friends or family…they tell me that I’m stupid for sticking it out and that I will never get over it and I’ll never look at him the same.
I do believe he’s sorry. I do believe he’s a good man who made a terrible mistake. But he also, by his own words, only lives in the moment. So.. does that mean that he could very possibly allow himself to again get into a situation where he will falter, because he is in the moment?
I have forgiven them, even before I felt like it. But forgiveness doesn’t remove the pain
No, forgiveness doesn’t magically remove the hole in your heart. But forgiveness is not just a one time thing. You may need to keep forgiving until you believe it. No one understands until it happens to them. I used to say, if that ever happened to me I would leave, no questions asked. And until your in that situation, your not sure what you will do.
You husband doesn’t like to think about it because he is ashamed of his actions. It’s like breaking a glass of spaghetti sauce in the grocery store. You would want the store to announce you broke a glass overhead. You would be embarrassed. You husband also at the time of the affair made you feel worthless and nit picked you. But that is just so he could justify his actions.
As far as, will he do it again. Unfortunately, life is uncertain and love isn’t a guarantee. All you can do is take it day by day. If he does cheat again, well you will have your answer. Only you can decide if you stay or go. But giving the knowledge he has now, if he risk it again. I don’t think he is the man you deserve.
Best of luck. Pray for peace in your heart and mind. You deserve to be happy.
I have been with my fiancé for almost 2 years, and I cheated on him with one of his friends. I kissed his friend a few times, and sent him a picture of myself. I came clean to my fiancé, I couldn’t hold the guilt inside any longer. I told him after I had already ended it with his friend. I didn’t have to, but I needed to. This is a difficult situation because he had hurt me, very very very bad. One of my biggest fears he did to me. And I lost my safe space, which was him. That is when I started talking to his friend. I never slept with him and I never loved him or said I loved him. My heart was never open for the taking. We have both been reading this page and comments and trying to learn to trust and forgive each other again. Some of these comments seem to be quite blunt and negative. But they sound like the truth. I know things won’t ever be the same, I just hope we can get through this. Thank you for everyone who commented and for this page. It’s been so helpful for us.
I don’t know how to forgive my husband for having a two 1/2 year on line relationship with an old girlfriend. Culminating in meeting her across the country and sleeping with her twice. We’d been married for 35 years and yes, had grown apart. But he was the one person I trusted most in this world and now that trust is shattered. I do believe it’s over but it doesn’t help. The thoughts and pictures go through my mind constantly. He has been honest and answered my questions. But I just can’t forgive him. How do I get past this and move forward? I sometimes feel that he’s staying because I take care of him and always have. Please help me..
My husband cheated on me. But he never got to meet or see her. He switched from android to and iPhone and for some reason his texts were synced with our 9 year old son’s iPhone. So while I was going through my sons phone just to see what was in his phone I came across messages from my husband to another woman expressing that he wanted to do so many sexual things with her, and even though they’ve been talking for a year he knew they were never going to meet. But the sexting kept going. There were also calls throughout the day and some of which were long calls. In the end it does seem to be more of a fantasy/ virtual cheat. But it still hurts so bad and even though he has shown so much empathy, and sorrow and has said he will do whatever it takes to win my trust back and he has been putting action behind it, I still have days where I am so confused and hurt. I wonder if it would’ve eventually gone further.. He’s been open and honest, but I still can’t stop my mind from wandering… I want to make it work. I want him more than anything or anyone… but I will not be able to take it if I find out anything else…
I totally agree with you, after 25 years of marriage and 5 children I found out my husband had two affairs one fir 4 years and the other fir a year which was much more serious he wanted to leave me fir her but then she broke up with him, 18 months later we are still trying to wirk things out but I feel I’m always looking fir lies and checking his phone , in some ways we are a lot closer and I’ve definetly learnt a lot about myself and realize we were not in a good place which doesnt condone what he did , it’s actually all the lies afterwards and everything I’ve found out is by checking his phone or emails not from him which I think makes a difference, I’ve asked him so many times to be honest and then when I find out more he just says he didn’t want to hurt me! He is very loving and kind and remorseful and promises to never betray me again but I’m afraid he got away with lying fir so long that it’s just a habit and can’t stop, and I’m wondering if he’s capable of being faithful
I just found out my husband of 27 years was cheating on me for the past 2 1/2 years. I am devastated. I love him, but I don’t think I will ever trust him again. He ended the affair, or so he says, but then tells me that he is with me now so I should just “get over it”. That he doesn’t want to talk about it, and then he starts yelling. How can I forgive someone that doesn’t care to heal the pain he caused me and our family?
Alli,
It sounds like he is angry that he got caught and maybe a little embarrassed. I would definitely suggest counseling for both of you. If he won’t go, at least go for yourself. You will never love him like before and trust will be a hard thing to get back especially if he is not willing to discuss it. Focus on making yourself happy again. You will never get over it, but it will get easier to live with.
I feel you pain, i feel like im going crazy and so emotionally unstable
All these stories of infidelity…then the wronged spouse trying to forgive…are emotionally painful to me. Mainly because I myself know that pain. My husband of 14 years at the time forgot for awhile just how much love and trust means in a relationship. I accidentally found texts to a former coworker that painfully made me realize they were a lot more than just coworkers. By accidentally I mean I never have checked his phone, never felt like I needed to. He asked me what time I had called him and I picked his nearby phone up to verify this and there it was. I didn’t say anything right away, just casually asked him questions over the next few days and he answered with lies. I finally brought it all out what I had seen and he apologized. We went to counseling and are still together 2 years later.
If a spouse cheats and lies I am here to tell you things will never be the same in your relationship. To stay together means you are accepting the fact that you have a spouse that you will never trust with your feelings or heart again. It is just that way whether you want that or not. The man I loved and trusted took that love and trust and destroyed it. He used to be my hero, I used to feel loved and protected and cherished by him. Now, I love him in a different way. I know he is weak and capable of lying to me. I like him now in many ways but the pure love and trust I had in him is gone forever. He cheated us both out of a trusting relationship. If you lose that trust it is hard to establish the intimacy you had before. Your marriage can move forward, you can share sorrows and joys with them, but it will be different. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic. This is just the way I continue to feel. Once broken, your heart can be mended but the complete love and joy you felt before never returns. You will always feel broken inside.
Pamela,
You said it perfectly!!! This is exactly how I feel. My husband of 28 years at the time had a 6 month affair with some tramp he met at work (he was bouncing at a bar). We are still together almost 2 years later and our relationship is better than it has been in a long time. But I don’t think that I will ever love him the same. I feel like I am going through the motions, but wouldn’t really say that I am truly happy any more. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, or with anyone else. He is still my husband, but no longer my knight in shining armor. I used to think that he would do anything for my well being, and now I know that is not the case. I used to look forward to randomly seeing him out and about. He used to make my heart race. Now when I see him my heart aches for what he took from us. I see him as a cheater, and liar who didn’t care enough about me to be faithful. I just can’t dig down deep enough to find any empathy for him when he is sick or down and I no longer enjoy taking care of him. I don’t think the brokenness will ever go away.
I know how it feels, I am devastated right now. Married for 23 years and 9 years of love affairdidnt stop him to go after a girl he just met once, offered her a lunch and then called her three to four times. She wasn’t into him as she didn’t responded after the lunch. I found out through looking into his phone. He took some pics with her and then deleted them, so I don’t find out. But I found everything myself, he had no courage to come out clean. It has broken me as he lied to me, deceived me and has no idea why he did it. He wants me to forgive him but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live without him. My heart is in constant pain and ache. I am big myself. I don’t know what to do. For me it is betrayal that hd had feelings for the other person even though they didn’t hac anything physical or the girl had nothing to do with him. What if she was ready? What if I wouldn’t have found out? There are so many if’s and buts that I don’t know what to do. He is just asking for another chance. I am torn.
I agree Of your comment “ you never love them the same “
agree
Me and my husband are both saved he started cheating in2010 since then he never stop when I discover that he have an affair he always blame me saying I am the one who made him cheating if I ask what exactly thing that I am not do the way he likes he always does not have an unswer so I’m always tell myself that I’m not the good wife for him. Each and every year we solve one problem and it is not just 1woman he have many
You do not deserve to be blamed. If he cannot even tell you what is wrong, that is very unfair to you. I think you should consider walking away and finding someone who will respect you and your feelings.
It’s been 2 years since I found out about my husband cheating on me with my older sister. I am sad to say that I have not been all that good at allowing my self to heal from this event. I know that I had a part to play in his feeling like he needed revenge on me and thus having the affair with my sister, whom I was very close to. When my husband and I first got married we both agreed we wanted children, that was a huge thing for me. A few months befor we got married I had a terrible accident at work, had to undergo two surgeries, lost my job and was suffering from the emotional strain of the accident and legal stuff going on with my job. I began to seek out emotional support from one of my exes and this led to many arguments with my husband. We finally healed from that… fast forward two years… we got a new house with the intention to start a family. Months went by and he didn’t even want to try for a baby. I questioned him, and he told me that he didn’t want kids anymore because of my past with seeking emotional affairs. This broke my heart and led me to seek emotional support thus again from someone else, I never got physical with the person and when things felt like they moving more from emotional to physical I broke it off. During this time I confided in my sister ( who was also going through marital problems with her husband) with everything that was happening… well turns out all along they were having a very sexual affair. I found out because after my sister divorced she began hanging out with one of my exes and confided in him about the affair with my husband.
I was finally pregnant, which is when my sister and my husband supposedly ended the affair. My daughter was 6 or 7 months old when my exe contacted me to tell me about the affair.
My daughter is now three years old and I am still suffering from the effects of the affair. It’s very hard because my sister and I own a business together. I feel like I’m still mourning. I can’t sleep because I get these very visual images in my head. I know I should probably seek counseling for myself. I just never expected to still feel so hurt after all this time, after I thought I was done dealing with it. We are working through it and my husband is loving and willing to make it work. I just don’t know how to trust and feel safe again.
It is difficult to find counseling to grieve this kind of loss , check out “ after the affair” grief counseling, it helps with the triggers and flashbacks and daily thoughts which you must have . Helped me much .
It has been about 2 years since my boyfriend has cheated on me we have been together for 4 almost 5 years, what still hurts me is that I actully walked in and saw them I was in our bedroom and I heard another womans voice in the living room and then I heard the door to the guest bathroom shut so I go over there and look under the door and I see that he has his pants around his ankles so I knocked and I started yelling for him to open the door of course he puts his pants back on and opens it and I see him and the woman I just freaked out and I tried to hit her but he wouldn’t let me, but i got a god hit on him (it did NOT ake me feel better) this month is the 2 year mark and I just keep replaying what happend in my head and I just don’t know what to do I feel like i’m going crazy.
I have been married for 12+ years now. My wife cheated on me during our short engagement and three months after we were married. She said that it was because of the pressure of may parents, and that she was scared (at least that was the best thing I got). I decided to stay together with her, but if I were honest, I never really worked on healing. I was working at the time and went to work and came home early, but as I was driving home, I thought I saw her driving in the opposite direction (this being very early in the morning, and she would have had no reason to go out). I drove the the guy’s house and sure enough, she was there. She said that she was at the bank, but is was BS. But like I said, I don’t think I ever worked on healing emotionally; just pretended that it never happened, which I’m sure she liked because she basically got a clean slate.
Well, fast forward 12 years later; we were still together. We had moved to a different state, but it seems like the entirety of our marriage she has spend time on her phone. At first I trusted her being away from her family (the phone bill was $400 on one or two occasions). Well, about 4-5 years ago, I would catch her lying to me about little stuff. Going out late all day everyday and saying that she had to go to work (7 days a week) from morning until 10 pm every day, and being on her phone more and giggling while she received text messages. She was painting this picture of having an affair again. Then a few things happened at once that was the final straw for me; 1) I found out that she was in a different state for fun when she was suppose to be there for work, 2) I saw an email that she draft, with her named signed with another guy’s last name, and 3) she was suppose to visit her family in a different state, and found out that she planned a side trip to a different state;. There was also a phone conversation I heard her having about “being so excited” for something or another. She told me it was her sister on the phone call, but when I checked her call log, she had deleted the phone call. It is hard to trust someone when EVERYTHING they do reminds me of her infidelity and all my insecurities. I know there are more lies, in fact, of the past 12 years together with her, I don’t know what is the truth, half truth or lie.
Anyways, presently, we have been separated for almost one year now, and after a lot of legal fees our divorce isn’t finalized yet; and I’m still considering getting back together with her so I won’t have to pay anymore lawyers’ fees. I don’t think I can forgive her this time; nor do I think I am willing to try very hard to have a happy marriage or trust her. I don’t even know if I like her personality.
Drew, she’s cheating. I know it’s hard and money is just money….leave her for good
Drew, I know the pain very well. For your sanity, you should move on. It is not easy of course, as I know this reality very well, too. Please feel free to call, email, or text me if you need someone to talk to about this on a more personal level. Much love and respect.
Honestly Drew, I wish I had the courage to actually divorce my wife. If I did, there’s no way I would get back with her. She keeps sneaking around, not being straight about where she’s going or who she’s with. I haven’t had anything near sex in over 15 months. I keep waiting for her to slip up so I can say I did everything I could to try & save our marriage, but she refuses to change. I think any time she gets me a gift of some sort, it’s to alleviate her guilt. She didn’t want me to talk to any of my friends about what I’m going through, but the 4th of July I was with my friends that I’ve known since grade school & I told them why they rarely see us together. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I just need to sack up & go to this douchebag’s place & flat out ask him if he’s back to banging my wife. Because quite frankly if she is, he can have her & she can make his life miserable instead of mine.
Today is our 25th anniversary & should I even care? It’s been 4 years since I discovered her cheating (with 2 brothers if you can believe that). At first I saw some suspicious texts, but she swore they were just friends. Then I got a hold of her text history & found out the truth. I wanted a divorce right then, but she swore to me it wouldn’t happen again. I told her to come clean about any others & it turns out she was cheating before we got married. She is still close friends with them, she keeps using private messenger mode to communicate with him & she sneaks off to see him when I’m working, like I’m some sort of idiot that doesn’t know what she’s doing. We haven’t had sex in almost 10 months. she says it hurts to have sex with me, but refuses to go to the doctor to get it checked out. It sure didn’t bother her when she fucked those 2 losers. I’m not perfect, but I’ve never come close to cheating on her. When she got cancer, I was right there every step & I picked up the slack around the house. When her father got sick, I was there for her & her family. He passed away 2 years ago & her grandma passed away last fall. Same thing, I was always there for her, but she pulls this shit on me? I work 2 jobs & I guess the only reason I’m still with her is money. I don’t know if I can afford a divorce. I know I’d get spousal support, but would it be enough? Our daughter graduates from college in May & I think I have to grow some balls & just end it. I haven’t been happy in our relationship in a long time & I’m tired of her being selfish. I feel like I’m there so she can have her cake & eat it too. I feel better after venting, but I have to start putting my happiness before keeping the family together, because it’s killing me.
found out my partner of 12 years was cheating on the 28th January with a work colleague, he left to be with her. I told him I loved him and wanted to work at it and he came home saying he loved me to, and I had to before him as he had realised he couldnt live without me. 3 weeks later we had a row when I found he had put a pin on his mobile phone. I went to a friends, came back an hour later he was missing I found him with her at his work and went mentally. Came home packed his stuff and put it outside now I am hurting still loving him and he is happy with her
Time and Talk therapy will heip your heart heal. And please keep busy especially helping others.
I’ve been with my wife for 13 years, we’ve been married for 18 months. 2 and a half years ago I had an affair for 2 months. My wife was working late every night and I felt like we were 2 strangers sharing a house. The affair made me feel good and wanted and valued at first but I quickly realised I didn’t like this person at all and hated what I had done. I called things off but the other person kept calling me for months threatening to tell my wife, I was a nervous wreck and a coward, I didn’t tell my wife. After 3 months the other woman decided she would leave me alone. I spent every second since being the “perfect” husband but I was wracked with guilt I would wake up thinking I was having a heart attack or crying, naturally I had a nervous breakdown and still never came clean. Well today after all this time the other woman has text my wife giving her every detail, I’ve destroyed her life. She’s so broken hearted and I can’t believe I’ve done such a thing. I tried to kill myself before but backed out because I didn’t want to hurt my wife and my family but I just don’t feel like I can carry on feeling this way. To any women who have been cheated on here, please know your husbands must feel every inch as bad as I do. We are so sorry
I caught my husband a month ago, on a 5 week affair with another woman. Sexual rendezvous in his car, clinic and even an overnight trip to another city. I found out all of these through his secret Viber chat that actually did not lock up… I was devastated. He met and pursued this woman through a Tinder Dating App… He said he is truly repentant and would never want to lose our family. He cut ties immediately and are now trying to build back our marriage as well as focusing on our baby’s arrival… How sure can I be that he is as hurt or remorseful for the affair he started? Why should I give him a second chance when all I thought of how solid and beautiful our relationship was is now totally shattered… I love my husband… But I no longer know this man I thought I married… I am broken … I am in deep pain… Will we ever survive? Can I ever be happy with him again???
I been betrayedfrom my wife for 6 months, in the very bad way, she let me know him like friend, she make sex in our house many time and our kids was sleeping in other room.
I try to rebuild the relation just to don’t Destry my family, my kids, but now after 5 months I’m still like the first day I discovery everything and I make her out of our house, like a prostitute. my son of 13 years he come to know the story and he doesn’t want even to hear her name, and he answer the his mother message with very bad words. Before he was loving her more then anythings in his life. believe me betrayer is the end of marriage.. NO WAY
Hi Dan. I see your post is from back in March. I’m curious to know how things are with you?
I’m 4 months post finding out about my husband’s affair and this is what I can tell you so far on my healing journey.
1. You didn’t ruin her life. What you did was wrong and hurtful, but you didn’t ruin her life. It might seem like it at the time, though.
The only way I know of getting through initial stage this is with time. Time will help both of you process, time will lessen the sharp stabbing pains, time will heal. (And time sucks!) I’m pretty sure there no magic answer that will replace time.
2. The day of finding out, and weeks (and perhaps months) after are HARD. So very hard! But this does not void the happy things that happened in the past — how much it affects her future is up to her.
3. As chessey as this might sound, I couldn’t be where I am today without God……and where I am today is 150% stronger as a woman. But see, it was my choices post affair that led me where I am today. Not my husband’s.
4. How I got here is nothing short of a miracle…this is why I thank God and give Him credit. I now have a stronger marriage than I could ever have imagined, I now am a stronger, better mother and kick-butt strong Christian woman.
5. My advice to you is to do the same thing that I did: Pray. Pray for forgiveness, pray for love, pray for guidance (this was a biggie for me…should I stay or should I go?), pray for protection, pray for peace, and say some prayers of thanksgiving and gratitude, recognizing the blessings that are in your life.
And get out. Go for a walk. Meet some friends for a burger. Take an art class.
6. We all make mistakes. We all do things that hurt our marriages. You are not the first (nor the last) to have an affair. It happened. Own it, be at peace that it happened and never ever let it happen again. Do not let it define who you are.
Blessings to you.
Theresa
This msg was beautiful Theresa !
I don’t know two years later after my husband cheated I’m still with him but I hurt so bad I wanted to end my life still do at times this destroyed me so bad the flash backs I want to erase my memory I blaim my self everyday hate my self at times wish I was that one so jealous always thought of me being very strong he made me so week hate my self for not seeing the signs the lies and lies why not just leave your woman he had to know this would kill me …
Cher,
I am so sorry for your pain. It has been almost two years for me as well and I am still hurt. We are still together, but it will never be the same. He chose her over me over and over again for 6 months close to our 28th wedding anniversary. I was in love, but now I am settling for married without compassion. Thank God I have my children and grandchildren that make my life worth living!
Thank you
Dan
I hope you are able to use the article to help yourself move on. Good people make bad decisions
What you have said it exactly the same as my husband
He cheated 5 years ago with a work trainee they kissed and met up once after work and then finally met for a 1 night stand. He then had a mental breakdown last year did tell me.
He also considered suicide last year.
I know your wife and I found out in different ways but the remorse you are showing reflects how my husband has been also.
Please keep going forward you deserve to be happy again.
Thank you
My husband and I have been married for less than two years. We have an 8 month old baby girl together. I recently found out about his affair that according to him started last September. I’m a stay-at-home mom. I take care of our baby 24 hours while he works to make ends meet. So while I was nourishing our baby, he looked for attention somewhere else. Now I can’t even process being hurt because I have to keep my baby happy all the time. I kicked him out by the way, but considering him to move back just because I need the help. I believe he’s a monster for doing this to me and our baby. We’ve been together for almost 10 years and I thought we had a solid foundation. As of today, I feel numb, like it only hurt for a bit. I’m questioning if I still want this marriage to work but I know I will be remorseful in the years to come. I just want what’s best for my baby.
Jane,
You need to do what you think is best for you and your baby. You have a lot of life left to live. Do you think you can truly forgive him and learn to trust him again? It has been 13 months since I learned the truth about my husband of 29 years. Now I wonder how many other signs I missed through the years. The worst is that I have completely no trust in what he says anymore. I didn’t leave because it was easier to stay, but I feel that I am giving up some of my happiness and a lot of my pride.
I have to be very honest about what makes me angry about articles on affairs. I was actually the nice guy in the relationship. 18 years and I’ve been with a very dysfunctional abusive person. I could sit here and go on for hours and hours about all of this manipulation, physical mental and emotional abuse that I went through, all of the absolute mind rape and garbage that got to the point where I was so starved for love and affection that I had an affair. Not only did I end it but I came forward and I took very very serious consequences, even telling my church what I had done and reaping those consequences. But every article I read on these affairs talks about how the person who had the affair has broken trust and should not have privacy. My abusive husband continues to mistrust me of course, but I know within me there’s a deep sense of Injustice in this. What I do like about this article is that you mentioned that there are many ways to break a relationship. Trust me, 18 years of emotional abuse will do it. But here I am getting scolded and yelled at when all I’m doing is breathing and staring off into space. And if I’m not falling all over them and convincing them everyday that they’re God’s gift to me it’s because they’re still the ogre that they always have been. And yeah many are saying well why do you stay? I don’t have family, I don’t have anywhere to go, I don’t have a job, I don’t have a car, and after I confessed my affair my husband made it very clear to me that if I didn’t stay with him he would quit his job so I would not get alimony or child support. I think that if you say you forgive someone that’s exactly what it should mean. It’s not an opportunity to further abuse and misuse an excuse. What articles on affairs should also address, in my humble opinion, is that there is a large chunk of affairs that happened to very scared and abused women who find themselves in bad situations and make the wrong choice. But many of these women are very good women who confessed and changed.
Thank you, I needed to read this.
I’ve been looking for a place to post and this seems like it might be the place. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 13 (we took a one year break 5 years ago). I recently discovered he has been seeing another woman for 3 years- he met her a little while before we got married and took our vows while in a relationship with her. Over the years I suspected and it was brushed off. In October of last year and February of this year I discovered it was a sexual relationship but didn’t know the full extent- and was told in February he was done. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Now, this year on Halloween I discovered he never stopped the affair and I found out all the real details. They have been out of town overnight twice, and he would see this woman for several hours at least 4 times a week. He has been of course lying to me this entire time. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and we had issues that should have been addressed a long time ago- past hurts, communication problems that drove wedge between us. However, since we have been married I was under the impression things were much better. We fight much less, I submit and we have sex whenever he likes. However he has been abandoning me and spending very little time with our family to pursue this relationship. We immediately got into counseling and I have considered and filled out divorce paperwork twice, but decided to try and work it out because I love him dearly. However, a long term affair is a double life- it’s an entire relationship. I’m not sure if I can ever trust that this isn’t going to happen again or believe that he doesn’t have bad intentions. If this were a few times, if he stopped when I initially discovered, or if he told me himself it would be different but I discovered each and every time. He is being transparent at the moment with all his passwords, he’s coming home after work and not staying out but I’m not sure if I can believe what he says. He says he doesn’t know why he kept going back- why he is drawn to her. He said she treated him like a king and would do whatever he wanted including giving him money and gifts and sexual needs of course. This woman loved him- she has a tattoo with his name and hers and even though he won’t admit it I’m sure he loved her too. I don’t think you carry on any relationship for 3 years to this magnitude if there isn’t love. Am I being stupid for even trying to work it out or should I be trying to muster up the courage and strength to leave? I really don’t want to leave and again we have tons of issues that were never addressed. Early on in our relationship before we were married I cheated for 2 years- I was 20 at the time. We have had periods when I withheld sex because he was unemployed and he started this relationship during that time. There have been many mistakes over the years on both our parts but honestly these last few years I’ve been trying to be a model wife, so if he still managed to lie and cheat like this is their hope or a reason to fight for this marriage?
Nichole,
It sounds like you guys have a lot of rough history in your relationship. It is completely your choice as to what the right decision is for you. It may take time to re-build trust and you have the right to give it time to see if it is something that you want to do. The saying “time heals all wounds” has merit in a lot of situations. He does have to be remorseful, and show you his remorse, show you that he is grieving what he did and the past “relationship”. An excellent book titled “Surviving an Affair” has really helped my husband and I. I discovered 8 months ago that he had been in an affair for over a year. One that was physical for about 10 months out of that year. I can relate to the complete feeling of devastation as I too was pregnant and gave birth over that time period. I know that 100% it was not my fault and he just completely lost his way and allowed himself to thwart his opinion of me, which he now sees and I believe him. You have to decide where you think your husband’s heart is. If he doesn’t apologize, or if he isn’t willing to own his mistakes to your family and close friends, then I would say he isn’t worth it and you might want to consider moving on. You may need a lot of time before you are ready to make your decision. Know that the hardest thing is staying and trying to forgive someone who has cheated. I am still plagued by the images of them in my head. A lot of people say it takes 2-3 years to heal but the majority of that healing should take place in the first year. I have just gotten to a point where I feel like I am done asking questions and am just trying to accept that I will never make sense of things as none of it makes sense. So if you decide to do that and stay with him, know that you have the strength within you to leave as well. Best of luck to you.
I am hurting ,been betrayal by the man I love for 11years.living together for 10.tries forgiving him but can’t forget.
I’m so sorry you went though this..I’m here tonight because I just found out this morning about my husband’s affair.
This is an incredible article. So much knowledge and understanding.
I told him today I’d stay, tomorrow may be different, though. I plan on taking it one day at a time right now.
Hopefully you’re doing the same. I’d love to hear how things are now.
I found out my husband of 22 had been cheating on me for 8 months. It’s been almost a year since i found out and I still cannot get over it. I have two college aged children that depend on both of us financially and I feel like I owe it to them to stay with him. I hate myself for having to stay. He on the other hand claims it was the biggest mistake of his line and he would do anything if I can stay and work through things with him. Some things have eased over time but my mind cannot get over the fact he was with another woman. I want to leave so bad and if he truly is remorseful then iI feel at least he knows how one feels. He tells me things can get better and back to normal is I’m willing to try. I don’t tell him the only reason I’m still here is for my kids but I’m not sure that is a real reason to stay. I wish the answers would appear. I hate feeling this way day in and day out for the last 10 months. Is there anyone who can tell me if they stayed how they were able to trust again or is it even possible. Is it possible that you can look at this man and love him again like you did?
Jen,
I am sorry that you are going through this. We are at about the same place. My husband cheated after 28 years of marriage. I was caught completely off guard and am still kicking myself for being so trusting. He finally admitted it almost a year ago, but only after I confronted her. We have 2 children and 2 beautiful grandchildren. I stayed as you did. Not just for the family, but also because it was easier. I have no idea how to break up our lives and divvy everything out. I also look around and I couldn’t imagine dating again. He says that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he almost lost the best thing he ever had. He is trying and our relationship is improving. I think that I still love him, but it will never be the same and I will never love him or look at him the same. The fact that he could do what he did and hurt me the way that he did will never go away. I think that it will get to the point that I can forgive, but will never forget. At 51 I guess that I would rather work on trying to love him and trust him again rather than starting over or being alone.
I haven’t commented for quite some time…but been following this. After 29 years of marriage (being together for 31) he was 63,I was 61, my Mother was dying….when he finally told me he had been on a dating sight, Ashley Madison, and cheating on me for 4 years! There were 3 tramps he actually had relationships with. I really think there were more and possibly been cheating longer then that. It took 9 months for him to tell me and the counselor about all of them. He only told bits and pieces of the truth. Every time I was out of town with my Mom or visiting our kids out of state…he’d be off having affairs! He traveled for work and I thought he was working! I hate myself for believing him so much! I had my doubts but didn’t think he would ever do that! We hadn’t been sexually active for like 10 years…due to postmenopause problems after I had a hysterectomy at age 40….and eventually went off hormones. I didn’t think he was sexually capable!! How wrong I was!! He told our counselor he was also into gambling…taking these tramps to casinos, staying in elaborate hot tub suites, steak suppers, and even spent over $300 at a boutique with one! That’s just things I finally saw on our charge card. He was making good money at the time…I even told him it went to his head because he was treating me like dirt. Now I know why. He would come home, I would do his laundry, make him his favorite home cooked food…so he could be off again. He admitted to the counselor he had a sex and gambling addiction. He was more addicted to the excitement of sneaking around then the sex…but that was a bonus. I got the names of all 3 tramps. One of them was a general manager at a motel…I got her fired. She was having sex after work in the motel she worked at! One is now with a transgender! The other is still just a plain tramp! Now…he bought be a diamond and asked me to remarry him again…we have renewed our vows in a very private emotional ceremony, he just retired this past week, still going to a sweet counselor, and our sex life is GREAT! I got on an estrogen cream which is amazing! I still wonder why God let this happen to us…such a disgusting thing. I’m just thankful things worked out for us. I still have trust issues and a lot of stinky thinking. He does stinky thinking too and hates himself. I tell myself he was sick! I hope and pray he doesn’t relapse…but like our counselor say…I know the signs now. He will NOT get a second chance! It’s been almost 2 years now since he’s told me the truth and things are going great. I can forgive (him) but not forget. I’ll never forget. And…for some reason I can’t forgive the women. They got what I wanted. We now have been married 30 years!
Here I am. It’s been almost 8 months since I discovered my husband was having an affair while I was pregnant and after our 2nd child was born. I don’t even know where to begin. He was flat out on a selfish rampage. He bottled up his emotions for years and allowed himself to completely distort his vision of who I am and what his life was like. When I discovered what was going on (finally had the gumption to look at phone records – he was deleting everything from his phone), I confronted him and he tried to deny it. He told me he was allowed to have “friends”. He swore to me that it was purely emotional, that nothing physical had happened. He sat there (the day after I had kicked him out) and opened up some to how he had felt and I finally felt like we had our first honest conversation in years. Turns out he was lying to me. He was trying to cover his own ass. After he had moved back in about a week after I had kicked him out, I ended up finding that he was still texting her and found conversations between them where he said that he hadn’t even cried over me, that he had been bawling over her and that he wasn’t getting what he wanted. That he was just trying to do what was right for his kids. I found her saying that he had made love to her and then picked me the next day. That mean that he went and slept with her again after we had already been talking about getting back together and in my mind we were just going to have another conversation to see what we could commit to changing for each other. I felt like a fool, I thought that it went physical because I had kicked him out….turns out that was wrong… I was blaming myself for weeks…Then I ended up writing her. Due to that I ended up talking to her husband and then texting with her a lot. I found out it was physical for a long time. When I confronted my husband about that, he then admitted it had been since the summer. They were having a physical affair for about 10 months or so (according to his memory). Apparently they tried to break it off while continuing to be around each other (that’s just flat out idiotic). I don’t know what to do. I love him and we’re trying to work it out. He has demons from his past that he never worked through and I had been trying to get him to do counseling with me or on his own for years. He is finally doing counseling and is trying for the first time to be the husband that I need and the father that my kids deserve. It is going to take a lot of work and I am not sure that he has it in him to be the husband that I need. I feel like I am my kid’s only chance at having a healthy relationship with their father, and I’m his best chance at a healthy relationship. I know that 95% of other women would be gone, even before discovering the affair based on how he was treating me during that time. He was verbally, financially and in a sense physically abusive in how he treated me over our intimacy level while he was sleeping with another woman. He was unwilling to change anything in his life during that period, no matter what we tried to discuss, and I couldn’t do any better with how I was being treated. I was trying to do the best I could while being pregnant and struggling with a newborn, cooking and taking care of the laundry as best as I could. I know there isn’t much I could change looking back, without him making effort to change as well. He was completely wrong and says that he realizes that now, that I am the woman he loves and that he will cherish me, and sees the woman I am and how lucky he is. How am I supposed to believe anything he says. I don’t know how I am going to reestablish trust with him. All the pain seems unbearable right now. I feel like I’m barely putting one foot in front of the other. The only thing I can do is pray for God to take away this pain. I know that I cannot make it through this without Him. I now know why the Bible gives you the ok to divorce over adultery. I can’t imagine anything worse than this… except losing a child. I was ready to divorce him but through various circumstances, I felt God’s hand trying to support me to leave the door open. All it took for me was to hear him open up to me about how he had been hurting. He hid his feelings from me for years, and allowed himself to change his viewpoint on me which was completely inaccurate (obvious by the fact that I am trying to take him back, it shows there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done if he had been open and willing as well). It is nice to read here that a lot of people are feeling the same way that I am. To know that I am not alone. I feel so alone, like no one understands as no one else close to me has been through an affair before, and even if they had, their circumstances may have been a lot different than mine. He is a good guy in the bottom of his heart who made a lot of bad decisions over and over again. The part that pisses me off is that I saw the issues and I am a victim to his own stubbornness. In a way I’m grateful because we have an opportunity to have a stronger relationship than ever, his shell was cracked with what he did, and he is now willing in many ways to try, realizing he is not the perfect person he had fooled himself into thinking he was. I just can’t stop crying. Does anyone else cry or tear up every day this many months post discovery? We have an amazing counselor and without him I would definitely not be trying to work it out. My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to let go of this pain, that I won’t be able to get her name or picture out of my head. That I will live in fear of this happening again…
The fear may never really go away or the doubt that you were not worth his faithfulness. His love was not strong enough but that is his weakness not yours. Every relationship has problems.
I still cry, get anxious, feel incapable of functioning, feel devalued. I know that is not true but the feelings are real.
I think I understand your needs for affirmation from your husband. I understand Your need for safety because your reality is he can destroy you again.
Well for me it was this young girl she’s like 18 years younger send my husband of 36 years of marriage she moved in next door she portrayed herself to be a friend to me and all the more wanted nothing more but to steal and destroyed my family and I’m back with my husband now trying to make my marriage work she still lives next door it’s the hardest thing ever you have to look at her everyday and to know what they had was each other she not only took my husband but she’s took my new home as well showered in my shower cook it in my kitchen and slept in my bed my husband and children for my life. I feel so lost I don’t have the security that I had before and honestly he doesn’t want to talk to me about any of it he wants to forget it and I can’t and honestly I feel like it’s still going on and don’t know what to do anyone out there there with any suggestions please respond in need of a good friend thanks
When I was 16 I meet my now husband at 17 I move in with him he went to jail for a year I had an fair sad to say a one night stand never saw this man again my husband came back home a couple of month later a found out I was pregnant at first I really though it was my husband but after check ups and ultrasound s I figure it out it wasn’t his call me stupid or what ever you want to call me but I was very scare I was only 18 years old so yes I keep quit there was people that had suspicions and try to tell him but hi didn’t put attention in 2011 we marry then he ask me I could t continue to lie to him so I did told him yes my son wasn’t his he hug me very hard and sai I love you more now no questions were ask now my son is 24 and he has 2 baby’s we are grandparents and my husband out of no we’re start asking me questions and details after urginents and fighting I gave him the details how I meet this guy after 2 days of knowing him I sleep with him and his didn’t took it very well wish I understand and I know my mistake his very depressed hurt angry confuse but said he want to try and save our marriage but I don’t know how to help him I feel disgusted of my self and seeing him like that is killing me lil by lil we have a daughter that is disabled we lost one child when he was 1 year old so we have gone thru slot togheter I love my husband I don’t want to brake our family. I just don’t know how to do it
Hire a PI. If nothing is going on sell the house and move. If it is get a great divorce attorney.
I can relate to Carolyn.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years and have been through A LOT. A few months after we decided to become “official” I moved about an hour away for work and we spend that year navigating a long-distance relationship but it seemed to be going well. I moved in with him after 2 years of dating and soon after discovered that he had been cheating on me at varying degrees with several women throughout that time. I wasn’t completely naive about his behaviors and had confronted him on the issues I had with his lack of boundaries with other women, prior to agreeing to move in, and under the impression that we had figured things out. I was completely blindsided by the amount of information he disclosed. After many tears and moving out and taking space we decided to try to work through the betrayal. He took action, meeting with a therapist (individual and couples), going to group support sessions, talking with close friends/family for advice and doing some soul searching. So here we are, after an additional 2 years of exhaustive repair work and efforts to rebuild trust and looking to purchase property (prior to marriage due to economic considerations) and I am freaking out.
I have been working to built trust back in him and he has had patience with my doubts and endless discussions and anxiety attacks in the interim as I try to forgive him and move forward. I am struggling with constant doubt and worry. I love him and believe he is a good man and is striving to improve himself daily and be the best person he can be for himself and for me as my partner. What is so difficult is that it happened so very early on in our relationship that our foundation was not built on solid ground. To complicate things more, he has ended communications with every girl that he had physical contact with but he continues to work with one of the people that he had an emotional affair with. She is a constant trigger that we are trying to work around. He barely speaks to her but she was a long time friend and they work in a small school together so interactions are inevitable. It was a joint decision that he would not leave his job (having this occur so early in the relationship made it difficult to ask for that kind of sacrifice and we worked with our therapist to seek other avenues of repair). I am trying to forgive and let go but she is so present and it’s really hard. I think about this being my future, a neverending cycle of triggers and discomfort and it looks so bleak. We have tried to discuss it but are coming up short on solutions. Is this on me? Am I trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? How do I let it go? Is it my responsibility at this point to let it go? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Mickey,
Unless you want to live the rest of your life in doubt, worrying about where he is and who he is talking to, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. If I had known back then how hurtful my husband could be to me I would have kept looking for love somewhere else. After catching my husband in an affair after 28 years of marriage I am now wondering how many others there were over that time. I kick myself constantly for being so trusting and naïve. We are trying to work it out, but I am having issues with trusting him. He is now getting upset with my lack of trust and keeps questioning whether I am actually making an effort to forgive him. I will more than likely stay in the marriage for convenience but feel like an empty shell of myself.
My husband of 32 years left his computer on one day i felt like something wasnt right between us so i looked and to my surprise a old girlfriend from 33 years ago facebooked him, they had been talking for 2 weeks and it was getting serious. I freaked out, they never met up but everything i read broke my heart. He broke it off with her and weve been trying to make it work but i seem to think he may be still talking to her. I feel like my entire marrriage was a joke, that he really wanted her. He thinks im crazy and jealous and acts distant and cold sometimes. I love him but im not convinced he loves me because he wouldnt have said all those words to her if he did. He thinks it done and i am to forgive but my hearts everyday. Will we stay togather?
I caught my fiance cheating on me with my roommate, I forgave nd after one year he told me that he had sex with a lady he brought to my place for me to accommodate her now he wants me to forgive him again… My heart is broken nd want to let him go
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years now. A year ago, my worst nightmare happened. Here is some context before I get into it. When we started dating, he was only 20 and I was 22. He had never been in a serious relationship before, and I had in high school, well as serious as you can be at 15. Our love blossomed naturally into something great. We were a team, and most importantly friends. However, around the 1 and a half mark I kept feeling him withdrawing from me. We got into stupid fights that mostly involved him not communicating and backing out of activities we had planned together. I knew something was wrong but I was too scared to get into it, I was scared he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. His priorities became progressively more independent or about his friends. As a part of the summer class he was taking, he was required to film a concert at a venue in the mountains. I had a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that he was going to feel far away from and worried that something would happen. In fact, I woke up the next morning and knew in my gut that something did happen. We ended up getting in a fight the next day about this festival we were going to. He started saying things like, “I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship in 5 years…” in the context of what would happen after graduation. The night ended with him crying, “You didn’t deserve this, I didn’t mean for this to happen.” It had been a bad night but I was kind of thrown off, it hadn’t been THAT bad. The next week continued with him being weird, I could tell there was something he wasn’t saying. I kept seeing this girl’s name pop up on his phone, a girl from the class he was in. He had never talked to her before. This one night, about a week later, I looked at his phone while he was in the shower and found messages between the two of them. One of the conversations between them was sexual and there were a few other innappropriate comments. The dates on the sexual conversation were the night he had gone with his class to film the concert. Before I had read everything, I barged into his bathroom and ripped open the shower curtain and said, “You cheated one me!” He sputtered, obviously caught off guard, “No I didn’t, I swear,” I said, “Get out of the shower and come back in here and explain what is going on.” When he came back in to his room he explained that he and the girl from his class had held hands on the bus ride back to town. He admitted that he was confused about why it had happened, he hadn’t had feelings for her at any time before that night. He said they had been flirting in the car ride, but he certainly wasn’t intending on anything to come of it. Then their hands had touched and they both held on for a bit, letting go before the ride was over. He said as they were unpacking the van they avoided eye contact and did not say goodbye. When he got home, she texted him and said, “Hey that was weird..” and then eventually said, “I’m horny” and the sexual conversation ensued. The next morning they texted about how it shouldn’t have happened, one of the things she said was. “Btw nothing is actually gonna happen because you have a girlfriend, but let me know if you ever break up with her.” He hadn’t answered and instead deleted her number. He said he felt so confused by what had happened, not completely understanding why he had allowed himself to do that. He then had to deal with being around me and the guilt he felt. After deleting her number, a few days later, she texted him, and unfortunately, he texted back. The handful of conversations that followed weren’t necessarily inappropriate in content, but definitely inappropriate in nature. By the time I discovered them, most of the talking had stopped. His reaction after the discovery was devastation, he vowed to be better and his shame was palpable. Over the last year we have cried together discussed what led to this happening. He and I basically came up with the fact that he was having second thoughts about being in a relationship, that commitment was scary and not having the opportunity to pursue any other attraction was stifling. He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t know how and he didn’t want to hurt me. The night when this happened, he was feeling especially doubtful about the future he wanted, for himself and for our relationship. He was especially vulnerable to the attention of another woman and decided to use it to feel better about himself. He admitted that he never really had feelings for her, it was more about the attention than her as a person. I later contacted her and she said the same thing, that she could have been talking to anybody. Ultimately I think they were both using each other to make themselves feel better about their insecurities. Despite the fact that the feelings weren’t deep between them and the only physical contact that occurred was holding hands, this still hurt me to my core. It’s strange, because he changed so much after this happened and our relationship is so much better than it was before. I can tell he feels so disconnected from the actions of that time, like he is a different person. It’s difficult for us both to understand and accept that something like that ever happened. As he always says, it feels like a bad dream. I guess I’m commenting because despite all of the growth and questions answered about what happened, I still have days where I’m consumed by pain. I’m consumed by the pain of the attention he accepted from someone else and then reciprocated to get more. It sickens me, even though he never even touched her, never saw her naked, never kissed her. It was all a fantasy. The words of the messages are hard to get out of my head, especially some of the graphic ones, despite the fact that he didn’t truly mean them and was just saying them to manipulate and get attention. I believe everything he has told me about his feelings and the scenario. He has been painfully honest, as have I. Even though we have come so far in healing, I still don’t understand why I am still hurting. I don’t understand why I reimagine it happening. I don’t understand when i still keep analyzing, as if I’m going to find out one thing that will take it all away. Why do I still dissect the details of an event that is dead? Why am I keeping it alive and giving the negativity power? He has become a man in this last year, his efforts to right this wrong are commendable and honorable. He is not a cheater, he is young man who was scared and was too weak to say no to the attention of another. But now he is so strong in our relationship, he has stood strong in my anger and depression, held my hand when I needed it and been so patient. It’s hard to believe that he ever could have been any different. What is holding me back from accepting that it’s over and being able to truly let it go?
Almost 3 months ago I got a phone call from my husband saying “we need to talk”. My heart sank because I knew what was coming. He told me that he had he had slept with a woman, and that her ex boyfriend found out, and was threatening to expose the affair to me if my husband didn’t give him a job. (I now realize this was my husband acting like a victim of blackmail in an effort
to minimize what he was about to tell me he had done.) My husband said all the same things I’ve read here, how he was sorry and didn’t know what he was thinking, and even said to himself that he had a beautiful wife and family at home so what was he doing sneaking around with other women. And of course he promised it would never happen again. The ex boyfriend did contact me, and through him I learned that my husband had been paying this woman for sex on and off for 10 years, and had also paid one of her friends for sex. (Oddly enough my husband does not consider them whores or prostitutes, just “acquaintances”.) The woman’s ex also told me that my husband had had sex with a third friend of theirs, who used to be one of our employees. My husband denies ever having sex with the third woman but does admit that he “had feelings” for her. He swears that those are the “only” people he has been unfaithful with, however I have found he has made profiles on Adult Friend Finder, as well as other match making sites, and has solicited sex on Craigslist. He says he never paid for the accounts, so he could never contact nor be contacted by anyone. He said he was only “looking at pictures”. It’s so much deceit, so many lies, so much betrayal, I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again. We are going to counseling but all I have learned so far is that he very easily disconnected his sneaking around from his family life, and that he is very shallow and so out of touch with his own emotions that he cannot appreciate just how destructive his actions were, how much pain I have been carrying for 3 months, and he just wants me to get over it and move on. He blames me for the affair, saying I had given up on our sex life, so he had to go elsewhere to get it. He takes zero ownership of the decade of problems that preceded his seeking out other women, which lead to the deterioration of our physical and emotional intimacy. He blames me for being “paranoid” and looking through his truck (where I found condom wrappers and gifts from other women) and looking through his phone. He refused to cut off contact with these women, choosing to just “ignore” their calls, to “avoid confrontation”. So I took matters into my own hands and contacted them myself. He acts resentful that I did that too. He cannot express remorse other than saying “I’m sorry” (literally only those two words), and when I tell him I need more he says “I don’t know what you want me to say you won’t believe me anyways”. He has made no effort to make me feel valued, loved or special. He thinks that his newfound interest in spending time with me and our kids, and doing dishes a few times a week is his way of showing he wants to stay with me. His words are completely unbelievable now and there are no actions to back up his words. I hate to discard 21 years of marriage, but I don’t know that he is trustworthy, or emotionally capable of giving me what I need to heal and rebuild this relationship. And I don’t want to waste anymore of my time. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this because it is humiliating and I don’t want to appear weak for not kicking him to the curb. I guess I just needed to vent it out here. It is comforting in a way to know that I am not alone, and that the heartache, the PTSD symptoms, the non-stop crying, the depression and anxiety, the feelings of “why me?” and the anger and resentment are all normal. Because I feel anything but normal the past 3 months. Thanks for reading.
My boyfriend and I recently had a baby but he cheated on me while I was pregnant. At the time our relationship was not great and he used that as an excuse to “seek validation” from other women. I found out and my heart sank to the floor. How can a man who you gave your all to just rip your heart out because of bad times! He’s apologize countless times and has been consistently trying to makeup for his wrong doing. However, I can’t stop thinking about how he lied and betrayed me. I love him dearly, sometimes I want nothing but for us to grow and build a future together especially now that we have a child. Other times I want to walk away because looking at him instantly disgusts me and I know I deserved better. He always looks out for me yet I’m scared to ask him to do anything or to call his phone because when he doesn’t answer it just makes me terrified that he’s possibly out hurting me again.. what he did has made me so insecure. Every time he’s on the phone or texting I get nervous that it might be someone else. Every time he goes out I get nervous. I argue and yell sometimes, even be disrespectful to him and it’s just because I’m hurt. It’s been a year since that has happened and I haven’t been able to accept it. I still cry, I still feel so angry. How am I suppose to work on myself and put effort for the relationship work at the same time? I have so many questions I want to ask him like who was she? How did they meet? Are they still in contact? How many girls has it been? But I’m also so scared to ask. I don’t want to be lied to but at the same time I’m not sure if I can even handle anymore. I’m so broken
So my boyfriend and I started dating two weeks before I left college to go home for the summer. The first three months were long distance, but we got through it. I completely trusted him and had no speculations about him cheating or even looking at another girl. We’ve finally been in the same state for a few weeks now and things were going great. If a problem came up, we learned to communicate and solve the issue or at least discuss it in depth until we both felt better about it.
Last weekend I found out that he cheated on me very early in our relationship. He sent nudes to a couple girls trying to interact with them, and also made out with a girl who he worked with. He immediately stopped because he didn’t want to go any further, but the nudes didn’t stop. He did that a few times throughout the summer, and he texted one of the girls just a few days before I came back to school. He is incredibly remorseful and is extremely upset about his actions and he is genuine about this. All of this was before our relationship was serious too, but I know that’s not an excuse. Until i found out, I really saw a future with him. Now, I see him in a different light and am repulsed by everything he does. I told him I wanted to take a break, and he respects this. But I am torn between wanting to end things and staying with him. I think I’m going to try to take time to myself the next couple days, but I have very little self control and want to text him and talk to him again. But I know if I do this, I will still feel angry and upset towards him. I just want to know if this disgust like feeling towards him will go away or not.
Carolyn,
Your relationship is still new, so if you decide to stay with him, I would respectfully suggest that you talk to a therapist before making that decision and a couples therapist if you are considering making this relationship permanent. It sounds as if he has some commitment issues or enjoys the thrill of the chase.
It’s hard to imagine someone you trusted involved in sordid activities and not feel disgusted and wonder if you are being played. He cares enough to be remorseful, and that’s positive. Just remember that you deserve a future with a whole man, not a broken one.
Carolyn,
I don’t like to be the type of person that tells another what they should do. Only you know what is right for you.
However, if you are repulsed by the things that he is doing now, it won’t get any better. If he is chasing after the thrill this early in your relationship, it won’t improve when he commits to you.
You will always worry and wonder what he is doing behind your back and you deserve more than that.
I’ve read these posts with interest; I’m a guy who is the victim of emotional infidelity as well as her sexting the same guy. We have got 3 really young kids ages two four and six. I found out my wife of 8 years, together 10 had been sexting another man she used to know as a teenager. They had got in contact again on facebook and exchanged numbers on whatsapp. This affair had been going on since middle to late 2016, the wife said she blocked and deleted him on messenger and whatsapp in October 2017. How I found out I bought her a new phone and was trying to back up all her pictures for her old phone and I thought I should make sure I looked if there were any photos in whatsapp that she might want. In my wife’s sent folder on whatsapp there were multiple naked photos of her doing a strip tease, really graphic, dress up boobs out, bending over panties on than no panties. I can’t get these images out of my head still, and it’s been almost 6 months since d day, 8th of March 2018. There was even a screenshot she sent to her friend, of a sexting chat they had where he said how he should have pounded her back when they knew each other.”boasting to her friend I suppose, how she can turn this guy on” This guy has a girlfriend too. My wife trickle fed me information too. which has made it hard to trust her, I still check all her history on internet and phone.
When I found out, I blew up at her and she seemed to show remorse for a few days and take things seriously. We went to marriage counselling, didn’t help too much I feel, the councillor made me out to be obsessive which I can be and that this affair wasn’t the biggest problem, our communication was supposedly the only issue. What has been hard is that it has been me that has been trying so hard to make this marriage work. The wife has threatened to divorce me many times since this happened because I want details of when it started when it ended. She always says I should draw a line under everything and move on, she is right but it’s hard. Every day I think of her posing for another man, him sending pictures of himself and pleasuring himself to my wife. It eats me up. I don’t know if I will ever erase these pictures out my mind.
I’m trying to put things behind me and move on, I do really love her. She just sometimes seems to me to not show too much remorse, she always says I’m banging her over the head with this. She has said to me that she truly regrets doing what she did and that there was no excuse for sexting this guy even if she was unhappy. I got really angry 10 days ago when we had a small argument, she than described what she did as a small indiscretion, which made me crazy, those times that she owned what she did disappeared for me! I spoke to her for days after this to get her to clarify why she said that. She said she just wants to forget it and that I’m picking on one thing that she said, she said it is bad what she did but not as bad as if they had met up and had sex. I don’t know why I’m focusing on what she said. Now I don’t think she thinks what she did was that bad. The wife said I’m not allowed to bring up stuff we talked about related to this infidelity; she threatens to kick me out if I do sometimes. I’m not sure she thinks that this was infidelity, although she has said it was in the past. I might be crazy, almost six months now; it seems I always find something new to obsess over. This has consumed me; I just want to forget this. I wish I never found theses pictures, Am I being too hard on my wife? She did delete and block this guy before I even knew about it, it is cheating but at least she didn’t meet him. I do know, that if I can’t stop with my constant rehashing of things we have discussed, she will kick me out and I will probable regret how I handled this.
Nathan,
I can relate. My husband of 8 years (together 10) recently I found sexting messages when he was away on business. I had suspected an affair for the past 3 or 4 months.
He continues to tell me only messaging was involved, but the sext messages seem they were very comfortable with one another and I feel he met her multiple times when away for work.. it is so hard.. I don’t trust him. And he left today on business again. I told him he had to FaceTime me for the next 6 days, and he became upset at me. He later called to apologize. But this is hard.. I don’t know what to do and I want to trust him.
I’m sorry for what you are going through too.