Relationships: When Family (or Any Relationship) Hurts

Relationships: When Family Hurts

Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones. You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. When there’s a lifetime of emotional investment involved, it’s likely that any response will hurt and will require a huge push, whether it’s walking away or fighting for the relationship.

Even if you decide that the price of being in the relationship is too high, it’s not always easy to leave. Sometimes it’s just not an option. Whether you’re on your way out or bracing for more, here are some ways to protect yourself from the ones who scrape you:

  1. Don’t let anyone else’s behaviour change who you are.

    Be dignified. Be brilliant. Be kind. Don’t let anyone reduce the best of you. 

  2. Make it clear this isn’t personal.

    Insecurity is at the heart of a lot of broken relationships. Insecure people will feel attacked even when no attack is made. If this is a relationship you care about, do whatever you can to help the other person feel safe and secure. Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are insecure will often respond to the world as though it’s going to hurt them. They’ll be cold, they’ll judge, they’ll take the first strike – all to protect themselves. In response, the world walks away, confirming the insecure person’s view that the world just isn’t safe.  

    Show them you’re different. Let them know that you don’t mean anything personally, that you appreciate their point of view and that you want to understand how they feel. (You might need to say it a few times!) Whatever you do, don’t blame. If you need to point out something they’re doing wrong, end it by letting them know that the relationship is important to you and you want to work on it. The more positive you can be the better:  ‘Every time I see you, you’re pointing out something else you don’t like about me. I really want to have a good relationship with you but it’s really hard when I feel like everything I do is judged harshly by you. Can we try and do things a little differently?’

  3. Now remind yourself not to take it personally.

    People will judge you, hurt you, put you down and try to break you – and most often, this will have nothing at all to do with you. 

    You don’t have to stay around and you don’t have to invest, but if leaving the relationship isn’t an option, seeing someone’s behaviour for what it is – a defence against a world that has hurt them once too many times – will help to protect you from the pain that comes from taking things personally.

  4. Find compassion

     Difficult people weren’t born that way. Generally the way they are responding to you is the way they have learned to respond to the world to keep themselves safe. It might be an ‘adversarial’ ‘I’ll get you before you get me,’ response. It might stem from having to control everything in their environment because they’ve learnt (somehow) that unpredictability  isn’t safe. Perhaps they have no idea of their impact on people and all they know is that relationships seem to fall like broken toy soldiers around them. Just because it’s painfully clear to you what they do, doesn’t mean it is to them.  

    There may be little you can do to change the relationship, but you might just be able to change the way it affects you. Feeling compassion is important because of the way it changes things for you. Compassion is an empowering choice you can make when you feel like you don’t have any choice at all.

  5. Hold the space. For them and for you.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship you care about is to hold steady and give the other person time and space to work out whatever it is they’re going through – while you stand still beside them. This is different to the space people give when they stay away for a while. 

    Let the person know that you’re not going anywhere, if that’s what they want, and that there doesn’t need to be any resolution for the moment. Do this without judging or criticising. It’s so difficult to be in an uncertain relationship but sometimes that’s exactly what the relationship needs – time to work through the uncertainty without fear of losing the relationship. There’s no need to hurry a relationship worth fighting for.

  6. Accept what is.

    One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the chasm between what we want and what we have. The gap left behind by a family member who hurts you can be immense. What makes it worse is that the pain is often recurring, hitting you every time you’re with them. Who knows why some people have amazing families and some have families that drain them, but not everything makes sense. You don’t deserve a difficult relationship, but don’t allow yourself to be ruined by that. Acknowledge what it is, let go of what it isn’t, and flourish despite it.

  7. You don’t need to convince anyone. 

    You are not here to win anyone’s approval. None of us are. Run the race you want to run. You don’t need to convince anyone of your reasons, your direction, or why you’re telling some people get out of your way. Just go around them – it’s much easier.  That you are silent, still and choose not to engage does not mean they’re right. It means you just don’t have to prove anything anymore. Because you don’t. 

  8. It’s okay not to be with them. 

    They may be your family, but you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to. If it feels too painful, explore what you’re getting out of the relationship by staying. If you choose to have a relationship anyway, let that be a testament to the capacity you have to make your own decisions and act accordingly. Change the way you look at it. If you have to maintain contact, let this be your decision made in strength, not in defeat. Own the decision because it was the best thing to do for you, not because someone else decided it was the decision that needed to be made.

  9. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t buy into them.

    Acknowledging how somebody feels doesn’t mean you agree with them. Saying something as simple as, ‘I understand you’re really angry but I  see things differently to you,’ or, ‘I know that’s how you see it and I have no interest in changing that. I have a different view,’ is a way to show that you’ve heard. Letting people know you’ve seen them and heard them is so powerful. Doing it and standing your ground without getting upset is even more so.

  10. Set your boundaries. And protect them fiercely.

    We teach people how to treat us. Imagine a visual boundary around yourself. You’ll feel when it’s being stepped over. Your skin might bristle, your chest might ache – it’s different for everyone but get to know what it feels like for you. When it happens, let the other person know. They might not care at all, or they might have no idea they’ve had that impact. If your boundary isn’t respected, walk away until it feels as though it’s been reset. Explain what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll do when that doesn’t happen. ‘I really want us to talk about this but if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to walk away until you’re ready o stop,’ or, ‘I really want us to work through this but if you just keep telling me that I’m not good enough, I’m going to hang up the phone.’

  11. Is there anything you can do differently?

    You might be dealing with the most difficult person in the world, but that doesn’t have to stop you from being open to the things you might be able to change about yourself. Is there any truth at all in what that person is saying? Is there anything you’re doing that’s contributing to the problem? This isn’t about winning or losing but about honesty, learning and growth. Nobody is perfect – thankfully – and the best people to be around are the ones who are constantly open to their impact and their contribution to relationships, good or bad. That doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for the mess, but this might be an opportunity for your own wisdom to flourish. What can you learn from the situation? What can you learn from them? Nobody is all bad or all good. Take advantage of the opportunity. Focus on what you can learn. Ditch the rest.

  12. Leave with love

    This is important. If you walk away from family don’t let the final words be angry ones. You never know what the future holds. However angry or hurt you are, death has a way of bringing up guilt and regret in the cleanest of relationships and forever is a long time not to have resolution. Anger is the one emotion that’s never pure. It’s always protecting another, more vulnerable one. Some common ones are fear, grief, insecurity, confusion. Tap into that and speak from there. That way, when you walk away, you’re much more likely to feel as though nothing has been left unsaid. Just because a relationship is ending, doesn’t mean it has to end angry. You don’t want to leave room for regret. Leave it with strength, dignity and love because that’s who you are. Trust me on this.

There will always be those whose love and approval comes abundantly and easily. They’re the keepers. As for the others, if the fight leaves you bruised, you’d have to question whether the relationship is worth it.

There will always be people who try to dim you. Sometimes this will be intentional and sometimes they will have no idea. You can’t change what people do but you can keep yourself safe and strong, just as you deserve to be.

222 Comments

ravindra

it is hurting when u r doing your best with available resources for thd family they do not underdtand abx feel we r nog doinv enough.
very huryinv when they dong understand ouf love

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kathy

i have tried to forgive my family, an do what the bible says, but it never ends, every time any thing bad happens in side the family unit they attack me.i can;t fix the family,its hard to separate from your own mother.

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Debra

forgiveness is for you, not the other person. It means to move to a place of being neutral and not continuing to flog them for what they have or will do.

Sometimes people are just plain toxic and for your own sanity you have to walk away. You can not change them, you can only change the way you respond.

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Leann

I am in the same situation. I tried to get along, I am not like them. Everything is mine and my husbands fault because we are happy! The really hurtful thing is they also take it out on my daughter ! They only feel their own pain and hold onto the past with a vengence.

I love them all and they don’t know what love is. After years and years of it all everyone started on brothers and sisters families. Every holiday was either a painful time or nobody would show up! When parents accused me and my family of being the reason my family was not together any Moore and the reason one child was left out of functions we were done!!!! They don’t think their bad behavior is the reason for it but blame us because we try to get along with everyone. We will not take the blame for their choices in life ! That was the last straw! They always find a way to make us cry !

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Maya

thank you! this article helps me to calm down, it is a reminder that sometimes even family could be a stabbing knife in your life. some people change, some do not. for me it is a hard (but not imposible) lesson to learn to let go of things that don’t serve me right anymore. family is family but member of a family doing bad things is still an individual doing bad things. To walk away is not easy but I want to choose my happiness and peace of mind first.

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Armenta

I want to be honest!!! It’s really silly to cut off your own flesh &blood. People will be people, but you have your boundaries. You can still move forward in life with every dream and goal you desire. If they lie, you know deep inside their lying, so keep it moving. Dont let silly small stuff make you bitter inside, just shrug it off. People toil with their emotional pain inside, so they’re aware: just dont let it effect you.

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Julie Clarity

Some families are merely packs of narcissists, bi-polars and child molesters. These families have been doing this to themselves for generations. Their children, grand-children and (sadly) great grand-children are their main target.

I come from two such families who, for all intents and purposes killed themselves off. Sadly, modern medicine stepped in, and I was born to people who, long ago, would have died in childbirth.

In 1969, I was born to be made a victim. I was born to be made ‘less than,’ and since I was on the receiving end of the abuse from my mother, father, godfather, grandmother and grandfather, I can tell you, they enjoyed doing what they did. The abuse let up when I hit kindergarten, of course, but it never did stop.

Those are not families one needs to hang out with. They never stop the abuse no matter how good the example is one sets, and I, sadly, was scapegoat. Very early on, I tried to stick up for myself, but the abuse only got worse when I did. Now I really am the escaped goat, and it is wonderful out here in the wilderness, no family allowed but the little one I created with my spouse who, to my constant and delighted surprise, really loves me. I was worried the rejection from my mother and grandmother I experienced as early as eighteen months old, was genetic and I would reject my own babies love in the same way, but nope. Didn’t happen. They chose to reject me.

Modern medicine saved me too. I was done with what I was subjected to by eleven months old. I almost died of dehydration at one point, but the doctors brought me back, and I took the abuse my families thought I was born to take and that I thought normal up until very recently. I am almost fifty years old, and they are still trying to make me ‘less than.’

I am so very sad they only see themselves when they look at me. I love them, but I have let them go.

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Shawn

I just turned 63 yesterday, and my family still abuses me every time I see them. Just today my sister asked me to loan her my car indefinitely, and dunce I have an extra, I said I would. She wanted me to deliver it by 9.00 am. I agreed I would. I live in the city, so I raced to get dressed, and drive in rain and rush hour. I had a very important meeting at 11.00 am that I needed to prepare for. I thought I would be delivering the car and she would take me home. I was wrong. She wanted me to wait in her parking lot until work men arrived at her apartment. They were supposed to get there before 10. I knew nothing about it, and I didn’t want to sit in a parking lot (LOL!) for any reason. Plus I had my 11.00 appointment that I needed to prepare for. I reminded my sister of my appointment, and was told, as if I didn’t know, that my appointment was 2 hours away. I reminded her that I had to get ready for the appointment, that I wasn’t prepared, and needed that time. I was then told by her that she can’t deal with me, and then she walked away and went inside her building. No longer stunned or hurt by this type of treatment and response, I drove away and blocked her from communicating with me. I feel I did nothing wrong. I went out of my way to help her, was willing to forfeit my personal property for an unlimited period of time, and really tried to show concern for her present dilemma. But I wasn’t good enough for anything other than to be abandoned in a parking lot. And that’s the way it remains in my 63rd year of life.

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Minnie

I am sorry! My family blames me for everything also. They haven’t resolved the bad relationship from the past. So now it has moved to our immediate family! My husband and I were shocked when we found out how hateful they became to us! Didn’t know what we did? They have a different view to people than I do so I am the bad one. They have all talked to us mean and hateful. You could hear the bitter in their words. Got blamed for something they did themselves. I can’t allow it anymore! Didn’t go to my own child’s graduation! Yes my husband was beyond friendly after that. I just gave up trying!

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Nancy

Flesh & blood is no good reason to take abuse from these people. There is nothing silly about abuse, and it can rarely be shaken off. Some family think they can treat you any way they like because only their opinion matters. After a lifetime of being overlooked and mistreated, enough is enough.

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sharon

I am sure I am not the only one that has a family that loves drama and loves to lie. I cut off ties with my whole family a long time ago because I couldnt take the drama they love in their lives that they were trying to drag into mine. I could write a book believe me but people would think it was fiction. Sometimes you just have to cut off all ties with family members to keep yourself sane. They will think its you not them but you will know better. Only one cousin do I bother with and she is the same as me, she cut off ties also for her peace of mind. Its sad when you have a family like this but there comes a time you have to think about what it does to you to have them in your life. They don’t care so you have to care about yourself

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Sue

Very encouraging for me today except for me it is my husband and only sibling my sister and my kids practically all my family all I have got and I can’t leave but I just have to somehow live seperated in my mind and physically .

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Michael

Sounds like what i need to do ASAP! My family won’t talk to me or respond to any emails. I am sick and tired of reaching out to them with no response. I’m done!
ThNk you!

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No name

Exactly. I’ve been cut off by mine and it’s actually a blessing in disguise. Like you and your family, no one would believe you if you told them. My now ex family is so toxic to my soul Im much better off without them. Yes it hurts but it hurts more being around them.

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Nel

Hello. Thank you so much for this page, you have helped me calm down a little. I am the quiet daughter in an overbearing, loud family. I am treated as if I am inferior, no fun, an irritation. I’m anxious, awkward and shy, which my family see as being weak and pathetic. I’m also slightly overweight and not pretty, whereas my siblings are beautiful. They are critical, sneering and judgmental, particularly about my weight (I’m not obese) and it breaks my heart every time. I’ve tried to talk to them about things in a calm and dignified manner, but they are both volatile and it always ends in them losing it with me. I’d like to walk away, but I can’t. I have a son who loves them, and they love him. I couldn’t deprive any of them, but their attitude is destroying me.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Nel, you sound strong, brave, insightful, wise, and beautifully open-hearted. It sounds like you are different from your family, but in wonderful, life-giving ways. Don’t let them change you. Our differences can often trigger an awareness in others of qualities that they would like to own more of. In some people, this can inspire them to reach for something greater. In others, it moves them to berate and criticise the people who they see as already having those qualities. The things they are calling your weaknesses, are your very wonderful strengths.

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Janet

I feel so down my mother over the years and still does is fall out with family members now it’s her grandchildren including mine. And when I see her and we sit down for a coffee more than half an hour she always brings the family up calling them and says I don’t stand up for her but she always brings it on herself..when you try and talk to her it’s never her it’s them. I’ll try and bite my togne to not fall out with her aswell but it is realy not want me to go and see her

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Kristi

Great article.
Throughout the years my son and I always were very involved with my family, going to everyone’s house visiting, it was fun. My sisters and brother never had kids until later.
Now my son is 23 yrs old and just recently moved in with his girlfriend.
Over the past couple of years I have seen my family change and how they interact with me.
My older sister and her husband , who don’t have kids, started to be in contact more with my son then me. It bothered me and it hurt me.
Now all my sisters and brother don’t ever call me, txt me but they are in constant contact with my son.
My sisters and brother talk with each other all the time, they never call me.
They can careless if I existed. It hurts me so badly.
When I go to family functions I am so hurt, stressed and anxious ( not my happy go lucky self), it’s not fun to be around them.
Not sure what I should do.
Not sure if it’s just my insecurities or what it is that bothers me so much.
I would like to know how to move on past this hurt.
Any suggestions ?

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Hey Sigmund

Kristi, I can hear how hurt you are by this and by not knowing what’s going on. It’s impossible to know if it your insecurities that are colouring what’s going on or if there really is something else. It may be that your son is more in contact with them, so it is easier for him to maintain the contact. We can’t know, but there are so many reasons that could be behind this that aren’t anything to do with the way they feel about you. The best way to get clarity is to talk to them. When you do, be really careful not to sound as though you are accusing them of anything. The idea is to be really gentle so they don’t feel attacked. It’s also helpful if you can talk about specific behaviours rather than feelings. So try something like, ‘I’m wondering if I might have done something to upset you. When we were all together at the weekend, I noticed that when I tried to talk to you, you moved away. You’re really important to me and if I have done something, I’d really like to sort it out,’ – or something like that. Once you have clear information, then you can move forward. It is important to get clear information though, you don’t want to let go of a relationship if it is a misunderstanding that’s causing trouble. Hope this helps.

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Amy

I found this article tonight while researching how to get past being wronged by a family member. I’ve been hurt by a younger brother who is a violent alcoholic and drug addict. The last straw was a year ago when he slashed 4 tires on my vehicle in a drunken rage. My family tells me that I should just let it go, that he made a mistake. My husband says he made a 300.00 mistake that we had to pay for and doesn’t feel the need for us to associate ourselves with him again since this isn’t the first time he’s done things like this and probably not the last time it will happen. I love my family but agree with my husband. My family disagrees and makes a point to talk about my “great brother” and show photos of him as though he’s done nothing wrong. We don’t feel they hold him accountable for his actions. We feel there is need for an apology but the family disagrees. I’ve had to distance myself from them including my own 3 children and it has been a very difficult lonely feeling. Your article has helped me understand that I’m not the bad guy here. My problem is I haven’t been able to let go of the bitterness I feel. I’m not sure how to move on.

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Hey Sigmund

Amy I understand why it feels so difficult to move on. You and your husband are absolutely right. There is need for an apology and at the very least acknowledgement from your brother around what he has done. If he is an addict, this is unlikely to happen, at least at the moment. His reality is likely to be very different from anyone else’s. You are definitely NOT the bad guy. With addicts, there comes a point where the support you give to them is actually support for the addiction. It sounds as though your brother is at a point where the growth and healing has to be his. I know that you would probably do anything to help your brother if you thought it would make a difference, but the truth is that you can’t love an addiction away. This is something he has to do on his own. Here is an article about loving someone with an addiction that might also help to strengthen your resolve and help you to move on https://www.heysigmund.com/when-someone-you-love-has-an-addiction/. Move forward by realising that the growth and healing is for your brother to do, and that anything that supports him by making it easier for him to live the life he’s living, isn’t support for him, but support for his addiction. Stay strong.

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CC

I want to let you know that your article hit me right inside my heart, my mind, my emotion and my soul. I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be a perfect person. I have been on the receiving end of ‘bad’ family members and I have been the one that ‘is’ the bad family member. When I gave birth to my handicapped son at age 23, I’ve FINALLY decided that I love myself and stop doing things out of self-hatred. I have been to three different therapists during the most turbulent times of my life: giving birth to a handicapped baby, trying to decide to stay married to an abusive husband, finally deciding to divorce him, feeling unloved and abandonment issues as a child, and living life as an incest survivor — and not necessarily in that order.
After going to a weekday service at my church, out of the blue, a visiting minister whom I’ve never met before, walked directly to me and said, “YOU certainly have had your share of sadness, haven’t you? You have lived through so many horrendous situations. But, you are strong and a survivor, AND you still feel love and compassion for all people around you and you still DON’T judge people OR their circumstances”. All I could say to this man was, “EVERYONE has a story to tell and there are a lot worse stories than mine”.
My parents are dead and gone and I cannot tell them how much they have hurt me. I cannot tell them how much I hated them for what they have done to me BUT at the same time, I still forgave them because they only did what they thought was ‘was acceptable behavior’. I hated my brother for what he did to me, BUT at the same time, I still forgave him because he too is a survivor AND I hurt him too. I hated my sister for what she has done to me, BUT at the same time, I still forgive her because she is learning to survive too AND that I was the ‘bad’ relative to her.
Thank you again for this article.

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iamclairemontero

I am in a difficult situation with my family right now. I wish they could understand and realize their mistake too rather than questioning my behavior. But this article helps a lot.

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Jenn

I think “accepting what is” has probably been the biggest game changer in making peace with my family. For so long I couldn’t move past the phase of grieving that my childhood didn’t look like I thought it should. It’s created a lot of anxiety for me in raising my own kids. I’ve come to realize though that while I hope I don’t repeat all of my parents mistakes, that I’m bound to repeat some, and at the end of the day if I want grace from my children I needed to offer the same to my parents. Great article.

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Hey Sigmund

Beautifully said – accepting ‘what is’ is massive and takes courage and strength. So often the fantasy of what things should be like keep us stuck and sad. None of us are perfect, and it is important that children see that mistakes are okay and that we all make them. What makes all the difference is being open to the impact of those mistakes and an openness to trying something different next time. Your children sound like they are in wonderful hands.

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Karen

Thank you for your kind words of clarity. In my situation as with most I suppose things aren’t that cut and dry. I found an enormous amount of comfort hearing the words that support my right to choose people who have a positive effect on me not have a relationship with those that don’t, a reflection of boundaries to love myself. I only owe myself an explanation if the reason is negative for instance a choice made from anger or resentment,. I owe no one else anything but respect and I have a right to respectfully keep poisonous people out of my garden. Thank you and God bless.

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Hey Sigmund

You’re so welcome Karen. I love the insight you have around this. You absolutely have every right to choose the people you let close to you and you don’t have to explain your decisions to anybody. Keep living strong and brave.

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Andrew Segur

The Best thing to do is walk away completely right away especially if it’s costing you emotionally. Find other people to deal with if your family is not there for you. Watch TV,movies, go out for recreational reasons yes even by yourself if you have to, remembering being your own friend is priceless and then if you feel like you can trust someone not to rub you the wrong way constantly then just stick to that one true friend who is God.

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barb

Good article. But a few hours too late for us and what feels like a final break from our daughter. She’s broken my heart too many times and finally, she got to her very patient father as well. We’re done.

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Hey Sigmund

I’m very sorry to hear this. This sounds like a painful time for all of you. It’s a sad fact of families, relationships and the messiness of life that the people we love deeply can hurt us beyond measure. Love and strength to you moving forward.

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Sue F

Thanks for this great article! All the points spoke to me. I had to terminate my relationship with a sibling which had caused me a great deal of unhappiness over the years. Although I had set boundaries in an attempt to salvage the relationship it never really worked and they were just dismissed as being trivial. My last words to her were that she was still my sister and there would always be a bond there and that I did indeed love her but there was no future in the relationship. We have not communicated since. I’ve made my peace and am moving forward. There has been little support from other family members who do not want to “take sides” but at the end of the day the decision was about my happiness.

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Hey Sigmund

You’re very welcome. This sounds like a decision you made in strength and with a ton of insight and self-respect. Families tend to push against change or the ‘status quo’ being upset, which is what makes it so difficult sometimes to make the decisions that are best for ourselves. It’s great that you were able to do this in a way that acknowledged and respected the bond between you both.

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LS

The last one hit home for me. I walked away from an emotionally unstable and violent family member to protect my kids. However, I got an opportunity to tell the person that I still loved them, even though I didn’t accept any of their awful behavior. This was a year ago, and no contact has been initiated by either side since, but I was able to say my peace.

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Hey Sigmund

It’s easy to forget, isn’t it, that we can love some and not like their behaviour at the same time. I’m so pleased you were able to do this – it takes strength and can be a really important part of moving forward.

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Trudy

Thank you Karen for an excellent article. I have made many mistakes in my relationship with my 20 year old son. I have read so many books on raising children and teenagers over the years, but I seem to have done everything wrong. I have carried alot of guilt about this for many years but I can’t beat myself up all the time. I think I was too strict and had high expectations.
Despite having apologized to him and always showing him affection he told me today that he wants to be rid of both his parents. He shows this in his behaviour by not acknowledging my presence when I speak to him and ignoring me or playing with his cell phone. He wont help around the house and always finds excuses for his failures. This incident is not the first, but I would always try and patch things up, as I am the parent and want to retain the relationship, but he would take what he wanted from the relationship until the next round.
Oppositely, I have such a great relationship with my 17 year old son and even though we may not agree on some things the lines of communication are always open. Lat night we both couldn’t sleep and sat talking till 3:00 a.m. He told me about his fears about the future and his chances of getting into the college he wants to.
Anyway, my response to my eldest son today was that relationships are a two way street and I am so glad he told me how he felt. I would respect his decision and he could live with the consequences. If he ever wants to talk I am available, (as he knows I have told him in the past that I am always available to talk, that if he doesn’t communicate and open up so that we face our problems we can’t solve them) but I respect myself enough and know my value that despite loving him very much, I will not be treated like a doormat and disrespected. Enabling him creates a vicious cycle.
I will print out your article and keep referring to it so that I can control my ego and not take his actions personally, while retaining my boundaries and learning how to show compassion.
The truth is that when emotions run high it is not easy to handle such relationships, by trying to be level headed and empathetic when you yourself are in pain and hurting.

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heysigmund

I think it’s part of being a parent that we question everything we do. The thing is though, what doesn’t work for one may work brilliantly for another and we often don’t know which is which until it’s been done. That’s why parenting is so hard! I can tell from your email that you have had the very best of intentions and have acted with such love to both of your sons. Often despite doing everything we possibly can, we just can’t tell how things are going to work out – nor can we control it. The fact that you have such a wonderful relationship with your other son shows that you’ve worked really hard to be a great mum and even though you may have made mistakes along the way (we all do!), what you are doing works. That doesn’t mean it will work for everyone and you can’t blame yourself for that. We’re all different and sometimes it’s not about the individual people but about the mix. Just because they’re our kids, doesn’t mean they’re necessarily going to see the world the way we see it. You’ve released yourself from the chase and left the door open at the same time. You’ve acted from love, strength and self-respect. Your youngest son clearly knows how lucky he is to have you (you’re so lucky to have this!) and hopefully in time your eldest will realise this too. Whether he does or not though, it doesn’t change the fact that you have worked so hard to be the best mother you can be and have always acted from love and the most generous of intentions to both of your boys. The outcome doesn’t change that. I want you to know that I’m very grateful to you for taking the time to share your story. I imagine there are lot of people who are similarly struggling with their relationship with their kids – despite deserving more than that – and it would mean more than you could know to know they aren’t the only ones.

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Mara

How can you walk away from a relationship when you feel you are being blamed for the problems and the majority of time you are not feeling happy or pleasant when with them.

The other person is suffering from a lot of emotional issues they experienced before you met and are guarded from you because of it.
They once reached out to you when they needed to talk and you were there for them but now they don’t seem to need you that way.

But they are the one that continues to initiate all contact.

You are being cordial and pleasant when visiting but do not want a relationship anymore.

Reply
heysigmund

It’s really difficult but all you can do is what’s right for you. The thing that often makes it so hard to leave a relationship is knowing that the other person will probably be judging, criticising and blaming you for it, especially if you are, or were or are important to them. This will often have nothing to do with you and everything to do with how important you are to them. I don’t know the circumstances, but if you keep visiting, you will be maintaining the relationship in some form. If you’ve done your best in the relationship but have decided that it’s just not right anymore, remember your reasons why. It sounds like you have been very important to this person and because of that it will be more difficult for them to let go. This is no reason to stay, but what it means is that the letting go will need to come from you – if letting go is what needs to happen. Nobody has to be in a relationship with anybody they don’t want to be in a relationship with. Sometimes though, the severing might take time, particularly if the other person isn’t ready. Again, it’s difficult to say without knowing the circumstances, but the severing might take time, particularly if the other person isn’t ready. Be patient. Be strong. Be resolved. And if you can, be compassionate. My very best wishes to you – I know this isn’t easy and I hope you are able to move towards a resolution soon.

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Jess

Like many, this article really, really resonated with what’s happening in my life right now. But is it fair to say that I might not be ready to accept, or be compassionate, or try to look at their insecurities as reasoning behind their horrific behaviour? I have been doing that for years and its gotten me nowhere except to the point that I am now just… wanting out. But what I want and what should happen are two different things. The relationship I don’t want is with my father; but if I walk away from that, I will lose my mother as well (due to control issues in him). Not at all sure what to do. BUT – there are definitely some great points to consider here that, once reread a few times, will hopefully give me a new perspective on a very sensitive, emotionally draining subject. Thank you, Karen. 🙂

Reply
heysigmund

It’s completely okay to not be ready to accept the other person, show compassion or understand them in terms of their insecurities. Absolutely. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. The idea is that any decision you make, make in strength, rather than feeling like it’s something you feel like you’re being forced into (even though it can feel like that). Everyone has their limit and it sounds as though you have tried so hard with your relationship with your father. It sounds as though your mother is really stuck so that makes it such a difficult situation. You don’t want to lose her, but she comes with your dad. That’s why family relationships can be so messy. The thing about bad relationships is the reason they have such an awful impact is because we find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do. It doesn’t have to be that way for you. Only do what you want to do and feel strong about that, especially if you’ve tried everything else. Be clear that the reason you have anything at all to do with your dad is because you still want a relationship with your mum. That’s strength, and you’ve got that in spades.

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Shelly

This article is so approriate for what I currently have going on in my life. I wasn’t sure if I was proceeding the way I should be, but your article just confirmed that I am doing everything right. Thank you so much for writing & sharing it!

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heysigmund

You’re welcome. Sometimes, it makes a difference to know that we’re doing things right – especially when it comes to relationships where things can get messy. I’m so pleased it’s been able to help you.

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Di

Great words and advice, thank you.
I have also “distanced” from what I cannot accept personally, but stayed in contact and visit etc. (but it is all one sided, from me, so it does continue to create pain.)
The thing I find hardest is the personal judgement of my actions and the way I choose to live my life – not actions towards them, but things I choose to do. I am heavily involved in supporting others and communities needing assistance, that’s who I am and it is my core value to “make a difference”. I stand up for myself and for others. I believe I am a good and kind hearted person. Guess that’s why it hurts when they judge me harshly continually. Anyway it won’t change who I choose to be and the way I live my life.

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heysigmund

It’s awful when the people who we would expect would support us, judge us for our decisions. It’s so important to stay true to yourself and you sound as though you are so clear about that. It sounds as though the work you are doing is such important work. Your strength is amazing and a real testament to you. Keep doing what you’re doing. The world needs more of you.

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Laura

Great article. I’m loving everything of yours that I’ve read so far. Have you written anything about healing insecurity? Insecurity causes enormous problems in close relationships. But how to become less insecure seems like it could take several lifetimes or more to learn and put into practice.

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Gail

I don’t think I have ever read an article that could be more helpful with a difficult
mother that I have spent a lifetime trying to change. There have been so many tears, so much heartbreak that I have slipped into a victim mentality when I see functional loving families and realize what I have missed out. The truth is, many families have difficult relationships and I like that you include what to do if leaving is not an option. Thank you so much for this article. I will be printing it and using it for future reference in my supportive role of caregiver for my aging parent.

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heysigmund

You’re so welcome. You deserved to have a close loving family and I completely understand your sadness around not having that. What I know is that sometimes people who come from difficult families have wisdom, compassion and insight that comes from their experiences with that – you sound like one of them.

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wendy

thankyou for this helpful article. i never get anywhere with my dif relative because everytime we try to talk about something, if she doesn’t like what i’m saying, she explodes. it’s like walking on eggshells trying not to upset her. my best option is to have a little to do with her as possible, but since she is the mother of my grandchildren we have to see each other on a reg basis. this article encourages me to work on compassion rather than resentment.

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heysigmund

I’m so pleased this has helped you. This sounds like a difficult relationship – made so much harder by the fact that it’s one you can’t walk away from. I completely understand feeling resentful. Feeling compassion comes from strength – it’s not easy but it can make a difference to how you feel. Think of it as something you’re doing out of love for your grandchildren, because that’s where it’s coming from. You’re grandkids are lucky to have you.

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Maralee

This couldn’t have come at a better time for me: my mom is coming for a visit today, and this describes our relationship pretty much perfectly. Thank you for sharing this…it helps to have affirmation that I am doing the right things in our relationship.

Reply
heysigmund

You’re welcome. I’m pleased this information has found you at the right time. Sometimes it’s important to hear that we’re on the right track, isn’t it. I hope your visit goes well.

Reply
Mihaela

A little comment on no. 6 – Or maybe you deserve it, in the sense that a difficult relationship might be a hard but in fact friendly lesson which was given to you in order to help you grow and, as you said, become stronger.

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heysigmund

Yes. Well said. Sometimes opportunities can be disguised as something difficult. It’s good to be open to the possibilities that are contained in difficult times. Sometimes the lessons are life-changing and exactly what you need to move forward, but sometimes bad things happen to good people who deserve more. Nothing is ever wasted though.

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AK Miller

This article couldn’t have come to me at a better time. I’ve never had a great relationship with my mother, and I’ve struggled for years trying to “fix” it, or trying not to lose my mind. Now that she’s fighting stage IV cancer, it’s really been difficult to be there for her unconditionally (she’s a widow and I’m an only child) while maintaining boundaries and staying true to myself. The guidance offered in this article relieves much of the anxiety I’ve had about getting through these next few….months, years? It gives me some valuable tools as I continue to work through this tough experience. Thank you!

Reply
heysigmund

You’re so welcome. It’s great that you’re aware of your own boundaries and sensitive to what your mother will be needing over the next while. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s so hard isn’t it to maintain your own ground and look after another person (even harder when they’re vulnerable) when the relationship hasn’t ever really been great. You’re mother is lucky to have you. Take care of yourself in the time to come – it will be important for you and important for your mother. Thank you for taking the time to make contact.

Reply
Jon Gilbert

Wow. My life to a T. Confirmation that I have done everything right in my familial relationships.

Reply

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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