The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.

The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad.

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but.

Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.

The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.

Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.

Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.

‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. ‘And it does tremendous damage.’

It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other.

‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical.

When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems.

It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner. 

The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’

Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger.

Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied.

Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks. 

Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.

Being ignored is just as powerful.

[irp posts=”810″ name=”Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It”]

677 Comments

Sabrina

This is a great article, but it leaves me wondering what do you do if a partner is ignoring you? It’s impossible to teach them how much it hurts, so what are some options? As much as I want to help the relationship, I really am at a loss of ideas.

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Lauren

I feel the same way Sabrina, my partner does it to me quite alot, to the point where anything that I say that he doesn’t agree with will leave him giving me the silent treatment. It goes on for days and days until I finally contact him again, its breaking me down and I dont know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he would ever talk to me again if i didn’t contact him. Very hurtful.

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Jane

Mine does this too.. 8 years and 3 kids later. He still does it.. he first started this just 2 weeks into our relationship where he ignored me.. for 2 weeks! It was over something easily resolvable. Over the years the amount of time he ignores me for has gotten less and less.. now, he’ll do it for the day.. it drives me insane and I usually end up screaming at him. He just goes to bed and lays there… I tall to him and he just stares straight through me. Its emotional torture. I can’t handle it. Growing up my mom used to do this to me. He’s started doing it to our kids too and they’ve started doing it to me..
He just acts as though I dont exist.. Sometimes I feel he’d be happier if I didnt. Its abuse and its most silent form.

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Pam

One thing I can say for sure and that is, NO ONE DESERVES this treatment. IT isn’t love, it is control. And most importantly, IT ISN”T YOUR FAULT. It is their problem and they do have a problem. But it is not your fault. IT is their own problem, not yours. But you can’t fix them or change them and you will never make them happy. The only person you can fix is you. And your only problem is you are looking for love that isn’t there.

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kandi cook

I am going thru the same thing. He dumps all the work on me while he is out avoiding me by not coming home on time. He stays out later & later. Talking does not seem to help. I can’t even get him to agree to stop ignoring my calls. He makes himself unavailable so I am alone the majority of the time. He pretends everything is “ok”. I am not allowed to talk to him about a problem. He doesn’t seem to care about my feelings or what I need to be happy. He denies what he is doing while he is doing it. Every day he has a new excuse on why he did no come home after work. I tried being sensitive to his feelings. Giving him time & space. Nothing changed. I don’t know how to deal with this? He fights to stay here. Does not want to move yet he does not want to come home either.

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Lesa G

I’ve been married for 2 years. My husband uses the silent treatment when he feels like he’s not being heard. The first few times he did this, I was a complete wreck. Withdrawn, crying all the time, not eating…it hurt the worst the first few times. No…, when I got pregnant is when it was the worst. He didn’t want kids but was unwilling to accept his part in my getting pregnant. He told a friend that “if she really loved me, she would’ve told me ‘no’ when I asked to not use a condom that night.” I honestly think that God was trying to give me the heads up because my husband butt dialed me accidentally when talking to his friend.
I got so low at one point that I had to start seeing a therapist. She tried to get me to see what he was doing, but I couldn’t. I remember I would always counter her points by saying things like “well if I hadn’t” and “No, I could’ve done ___ and it wouldn’t have happened.”
Then I stopped caring. I read a book on controlling people and I finally had someone say all of the things that I couldn’t articulate about dealing with him as a person. It was liberating. And for once in our marriage, I felt like we were on equal footing.
Then I had the baby. And stupidly stopped working to stay home to care for him. And we slipped back into the same pattern. He’s gotten so solid in his thinking that the silemt treatment is necessary that he told MY sister “the only time she listens or changes is when I’m mean to her.” Up until recently I thoight I could continue to take his abusive ways, honestly telling myself that eventually it would get better. But it hasn’t. And after an argument over something stupid last week, he hasn’t spoken to me. After the fourth day I said I wanted a divorce. In a freaking text message since I couldnt speak to him. And 30 minutes later, he said he was thinking the same thing. But then I talked with a friend who suggested marriage counseling. I told her that he had rejected the idea every time I mentioned it. But she asked that I ask just one more time. And to my surprise he agreed. We haven’t had our first session yet, but everyone is telling me it’s a good sign he said yes. But everything I’m reading has me prepared to accept the worst case scenario. That someone with this personality is VERY unlikely to change their behavior. And that makes me very, very sad.

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Sam

Be careful here. I have been with my partner 25 years. Every time we fight, he tells me it’s my fault. I say, “Let’s see a marriage counsellor,’ and he would say, no, no, no. Just as I say, ‘That’s it and we are over if we don’t get help’, hee will say, ‘ok,’ and a few weeks later he says we don’t need help now because we are fine. And the cycle carries on. I believe he won’t go because he knows he causes all the issues and this will come up and he will have to admit his failings. Good luck ladies.

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Chaos

I come here, and read aricles from time to time just to remind myself that i’m not crazy, i’m not imagining things and that the pain is real.. I met a guy, charming and nice but then he started to try controling me, and i didn’t like it, i kept telling him he didn’t need to control everything but he wouldn’t stop.. He used to ignore me for days..then weeks..and the last time i refused what he wanted he told me he’s going “to ignore ma again” .. !! And that he would hurt me if it’s the only way.. At first I thought i can get over it..have been months now.. the pain increases..all I want is that he talks to me.. I feel so guilty and frustrated for not being able to get over it.. it’s torturing me, everyday.. I don’t eat nor sleep properly anymore.. I can hardly work
I just don’t know what to do, sometimes I just want to do whatever he wants so he just stop doing it, I’m having suicidal thoughts recently
I think the worst part is that no one understands, my best friend tells me to ignore him and get over it, i don’t wanna talk about it to anyone, i know the type of answers i’m gonna get..people don’t seem to understand, “Just get over it” ..

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Why?

You comment spoke to me. You sound just like me and I thought I was the only one who felt this way. My case involves a friendship between two gay men but the details are very much in line with yours and I feel I could relate. I only wanted a friendship but he wanted more even though he has a partner. He tried to control me too and if I defied him I’d suddenly find myself feeling alone and confused. It took several instances of this before I realized this is a punishment for something he is never upfront about but I can usually figure out. The reason I find myself so attached is because we share a bond through trust. I entrusted him with details about my vulnerabilities thinking he’d never use them to his advantage. He is currently using them to his advantage and I never knew how devastating that could be. I don’t think I can ever trust anyone ever again.

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Alex

Dear Chaos,
You are not crazy! Please research narcissistic abuse / narcissistic personality disorder.

Love bombing / silent treatment / devalue and discard / gaslighting are all narcissistic manipulations used by someone with NPD to make you doubt yourself, to completely destroy your feeling of self worth and make you depended on the narcissist to the degree that even do things that are very damaging to yourself. It sounds like that that has happened to you. It is possible to recovered from this sort of abuse but you need to recognize it and and learn about how to protect yourself. I hope this can put you on the right track.

I wish you all the best, take good care of yourself!

Alex

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Louisa

My boyfriend and I were red hot with chemistry and we were literally inseparable. He told me everything and said how lucky he was and he was the luckiest guy on the planet… we went on holiday together and on the last two days (completely out of the blue) he refused to look me in the face, ignored me, insulted my intelligence in front of others and made me look like an idiot and was generally very unpleasant and negative. He avoided me and wouldn’t come within a metre of me. It was like I wasn’t there, like I had to question my own existence. When we got home he desperately got me out of his house and that was it. I’ve texted him asking what was wrong and why he was doing this – no reply. After 2 weeks of being blatantly ignored I went to his house unannounced because he refused to answer me and got my stuff back. He said he needed to focus on work because he was too stressed and couldn’t give me what I needed blah blah blah.. all very complimentary (without me digging) but said in a backwards complimentary way… example “you’re kind, amazing, beautiful, sexy, compassionate, I hope you can fit your head out the door on the way out!” erm wtf? Anyway it’s been a month and I never heard from him again. Very weird… very very weird. I literally have no idea what happened and I’ve thought of everything I could have done to piss him off but tbh I don’t think I did anything to warrant this! Odd.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Very odd! And thoughtless on his part. Even if you did do something wrong, at the very least you dese bed an explanation. Try not to take it personally. I know that may be hard, but it sounds as though there are some confusing things that may have happened that aren’t about you the r your relationship. I hope one day you get some answers, or reach the point where the lack of answers stops hurting so much.

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Why?

This reeks of a psychopath. No normal person builds someone up then totally tears them down for shits and giggles and be considered normal. My heart goes out to you and I know the question of “why?” haunts you daily. Surround yourself with people who love you and use their love to find strength in knowing it very likely has little to do with you or your worth as a human being. You are the blatant victim of cruel abuse or you could be dealing with someone who is bipolar. If he didn’t intentionally plot and plan all of that, then you’re still dealing with someone who can be potentially dangerous as such drastic, violent mood swings and changes in opinion and treatment are definitely red flags of someone disturbingly unstable. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know you can overcome and know that the only approval you need comes from within and his is worthless.

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kandi cook

I am going thru the same thing. He dumps all the work on me while he is out avoiding me by not coming home on time. He stays out later & later. Talking does not seem to help. I can’t even get him to agree to stop ignoring my calls. He makes himself unavailable so I am alone the majority of the time. He pretends everything is “ok”. I am not allowed to talk to him about a problem. He doesn’t seem to care about my feelings or what I need to be happy. He denies what he is doing while he is doing it. Every day he has a new excuse on why he did no come home after work. I tried being sensitive to his feelings. Giving him time & space. Nothing changed. I don’t know how to deal with this? He fights to stay here. Does not want to move yet he does not want to come home either.

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Terry

My wife of 7 years has told me she wants a divorce. We have withdrawn from one another and sleep in different rooms. She has refused to acknowledge me on social media and tells me she is to busy to like or comment on posts she is tagged in yet she will like and comment on other people’s posts. She claims she is widling to work things out with me, but it feels like otherwise. What should I do? And why won’t she just tell me outright?

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Kim

I’ve been dating a great guy for several months. He has some issues that are deal breakers for me, so I decided we need a short break so he could work on them…..he agreed. Problem is, I feel like I’m being manipulated so he can get his way. Example: he asked for assistance with something (which I was willing to help with) but when I didn’t invite him over to do that, I get the silent treatment. I’m not a mind reader!! I feel like he is using these tactics to get me to do what he wants, which is see him during this break. How do I not play into this game? So far I’ve held firm and pretended I didn’t even notice his silence or short responses.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

You are so right – you’re not a mind reader, but neither is your partner. If you are feeling manipulated by the things he is doing, it’s important to talk to him and let him know so that he can have the opportunity to change it. Describe the exact behaviour you would like to be different, perhaps by telling him that you find the way he ignores you confusng. Also let him know that you’re open to what he wants, but he needs to let you know. Communication is so important.

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Diana

Hi I have been married for 13 years my husband and I have two kids. My husband uses the silent treatment on me when ever he gets really mad at me. My husband recently reunited my sister. It felt awesome, so I wanted to return the favor and reunite him and his dad they had had an argument 2 weeks ago and had not spoken . The fight was over something dumb. My father I. Law is ill and almost 70 and my husband loves him very much. So I figured I would try to talk to my father I law which I did to help the situation. My husband got furious with me and is now giving me the silent treatment I. Front of our kids. He will talk and act like nothing is wrong with them by will not answer look or speak to me? What do I do?

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panda

My sister ignored me for years. She deliberately decided to never discuss anything about me , not invir=te me to family get-togethers, etc. All conversation was determined by her. She would not give me her phone # for years. If I needed to contact her, I had to go thru 2 other people who then would decide if my request to speak with her was necessary.If together in public, she deliberately would humiliate me in front of others. Our parents and relatives are now gone, so I no longer have to try to assuage her anger. I completely ignore her. She is very hurt. But I cannot erase 40 years of abuse .

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Sarah

My 13-year-old daughter hasn’t talked to me for a year. Her teachers say she’s like that in class too. Is this ‘the silent treatment’ or ‘select mutism’ or something else?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Sarah it’s impossible to say without a proper assessment. If you are worried, or if her teachers are worried, it would be worth getting an assessment from a doctor or a psychologist. When you have a better handle on what’s going on, it will be easier to give your daughter the support she needs.

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Michael

Great article on the “Silent Treatment”…it is hurtful, and I have been guilty of it myself…but there is another thought to why some may fall into the silent treatment. Survivors of abuse can shut down as a protective mode, so the silent treatment is a ‘defense’. And yes, new ways of coping are needed when in disputes with others, but when one is unaware of why they are shutting down, it is hard to change the pattern. For myself, learning how trauma and abuse impacted my life, helps me to not default to silence with others…still a work in progress. Progress, not perfection…

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Katie

Good for you, Michael, that you recognize and are working on it, and that way you refuse to pay the emotional abuse forward. That takes great courage.

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Elaine

Our son who is a lovely lad, he’s thoughtful, careing, & loving boy, he met this girl in 2012, she has 2 children from 2 different partners, she has alialanated the grandparents of these children, & has done the same to us, she’s controlling & because our son has got to know & love these children he won’t turn his back on them, which we understand, but our son had such a great relationship with his dad it was untrue, he idolised his dad.
We have tried every way possible to keep in touch with him for over 2 years now, but it’s finally come to a stop, we-understand he’s got his own life & as he’s in the forces were very proud of him. But what we carnt understand is why the no contact, they have a son now which was born in Dec. & he didn’t even tell us. He’s also cut himself off from his best friend of 15 years & they went everywhere together. She reads all his text & emails. We just don’t know where to turn. If she carnt have her own way she stops all contact, even her own family & mother. But she says she’s sorry even if she’s got nothing to say sorry about. His dad has been down to see him twice, & he hugged his dad & told him he loved him, but she wasn’t there at the time, he lives in Norfolk we live in Manchester, if they come to Manchester he doesn’t even call. We just don’t know, we met Michelle & her children after they had been going out for a while & we grew to love those children. We did everything for them, & they loved us to. Could you please give us some advice

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

I so wish I could give you some answers. The capacity of toxic people to manipulate and control is vast. It sounds as though you are doing everything you can, but it is your son’s growth now and his lessons to learn. Keep loving him and keep the door open to him.

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Katie

This is so sad. I feel for you. Your son sounds like a victim of abuse, so google words to say to a victim of abuse, etc. Abusers brainwash their victims over time, so their judgement is warped. Basically, your son needs to feel empowered and that he has your unconditional love and support if he ever needs you, you are there for him. You can’t say anything against Michelle, just try to be in his life as much as possible.

Keep a memo of record of any abuse, in the event he leaves, as it could help with his custody of his child.,

So whatever you say or do has to let him feel like he is empowered, so you can’t tell him what to do. If he expresses sadness, or anything like that, do encourage him to seek counseling for it (don’t tell him he is being abused, unless he says it himself. You don’t want to make him feel defensive of Michelle.

The best thing you can do is continue to reach out, and not take it personally if he doesn’t respond. Try FaceTime (almost like being there) with him at times he is likely not with Michelle, and just be a positive source of comfort, there to uplift, so that if and when he is ready to leave, he will know he can turn to you.

It sounds like he had such a loving upbringing, so that gives hope for the future.

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Neicey

My guy friend shutdown on me and won’t return my texts or calls.I didnt get no closure.I have other guy friends.I think thats why.He went from nice too mean.Also sending me mixed signals.I miss him so much.I know i need to let go but sumn inside of me needs closure.Is he hurt or he just doesnt care no more.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Neicey you are allowed to have other friends. If there was a problem, it was up to him to talk to you about this so you could reassure him or hear what he needed from you. In any relationship we will do things that hurt the people we love, but the difference with healthy relationships is the way these are worked through. I can hear how much you miss him, but you deserve clarity and the opportunity to put things right if you have done something to upset him. The way he has shut you down without explanation is hurtful and not the way to be in a healthy, nurturing, loving relationship. Keep moving forward.

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Sheri

The silent treatment is a form of AVOIDANT ABUSE. You can read more on it on google search or even facebook. Hope it helps because the ino helped me tremendously.

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Kelly

I think he is hurt. I don’t think that extreme of an action would indicate “Not caring”

It would be a heck of a lot easier if he didn’t care to answer you in trite words or messages. Something is up.

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Rich

Long story short, my wife of 6 years together 9 of those years divorced me because of a break down in communication. She got hired to work overseas which at the time we needed I
the money. The distance destroyed my marriage we argued about nothing which now looking back she resented me for having to be the bread winner. Yes I worked and still do. Have a great job but was laid off before she was hired. Any way, She soon started ignoring me, not helping me with bills, and became very distant. Said she wanted a separation that lead to a divorce. To this day she ignores me when talking business when it comes to small details of splitting our assets up. Makes no sense…. Before she left our relationship was better than ok. Once I was laid off and she left to go work things changed. Thought we were in this together….a few arguments? Was blind sided hard. I even stepped up and paid all the bills sacrificed not eating to do so just to receive the silent no contact treatment because she felt she was in a place of control and power. That shut hurts. I’m a very good man….she was a good wife. Didn’t realize once the down sides of marriage hit she would act like this.

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Silvia

Rich, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how that hurts cause I’m going through the same.

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Rich

Long story short, my ex wife and I after being together for 8 years 6 of those years married we ended up long distance because of her having to work overseas. We were more than great together but the distance put a big wedge in our communication. We argued about nothing, told her she needed to come home. She refused because she said we needed more money. Soon after she went silent. Didn’t call me or pick up when I called her. Said she wanted to separate which turned into a divorce. To this day she ignores me when I only talk business with her as far as small details that need to be squared away for all the things we accumulated together over the years. Left me with a mortgage, bills, and everything in between to handle by myself. I know its another man but why ignore me like we I meant nothing to her? Three years later Im just starting to get over the pain. Made no sense to just disappear with no explanation.

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Kris

I became silent and numb. My ex always gives me the silent treatment. My heart becomes numb and his abusiveness with my money and silent treatment. After 17 years I left him with 3 kids and everything I know. I m glad, did it! That’s why I m alive today. That made me a happier and healthier mum. I still pay child support and help the boys whenever I can. Silence are the killer of the relationship.

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Sam

I know this feeling and pray you make a bucket list like I did and start living your life to the fullest. Become your own hero. It’s what I work on. Wishing you happiness.

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Sheneque Alexander

Hello! Please help… my boyfriend of 4 months cancelled on my birthday weekend. I have been talking about my birthday for 2 months and had a whole weekend planned. He came to my birthday party and we hung out with my nice the next day… but the day before and the day off my birthday he cancelled our plans. The morning before he said his sister texted him his mom fell in the snow… he said he was just going to check in her and be back. He then texted me 2 hits later canceling the trip to stay with her at home and we could do dinner for my birthday. Then says he needs to come by and get his bag from my house. Wait….. so I’m tooooo upset at the whole thing. I didn’t like he just casually cancelled. All in all I felt he could of handled the mother / birthday thing better. I did not go to dinner with him and have not spoken to him since. He calls once a day and texts me about us talking but I’m just too mad to reply. Now he asking for this bag…. how long is too long not to speak to him. To me I’m not sure how he can fix this at this point.

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Sam

Give him the bag. Say goodbye. And get on with your life. He is not available to you, and you will cause yourself hurt until you accept this.

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Kelly

You are hurt, you are angry, but please reply to him. Avoiding someone is a pattern that will continue in a lot of other conflicts if you get comfortable with it. You have nothing to feel bad about, these are your feelings…Be angry!! That’s perfectly fine, please communicate your feelings and don’t pretend he doesn’t exist though.

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Katie

Yes, let him have his bag and stop giving him the silent treatment. Apologize for punishing him with the silent treatment. And take your equal share of blame while you are at it, because you seem way out of proportion mad, for the circumstances. So he should have called rather than texted, but who knows what was going on with his mother’s injury; you haven’t given him the chance to talk and explain his concerns for his mother’s fall. You could have used your words to tell him you would like to cool off before talking with him, but by not replying, you punish him with the silent treatment by ignoring his frequent texts and calls. It’s sulking.

Red flags: You knew him two months when you started planning your birthday for the last two months? His mother fell in the snow, presumably she could be seriously injured, but have you called and asked how she is? (* For example, a head injury would be more important than your birthday). Google silent treatment psychology, and narcissism pops up. So in your paragraph, you have exhibited three, possibly four, signs of narcissist behavior. Birthday focus, lack of empathy, silent treatment, possibly blaming. Narcissists are on a spectrum, meaning it’s not a “are you or are you not” a narcissist, but you have narcissistic behaviors.

If you recognize this, there may be hope for you learning, through a counselor, how to show fair and equal treatment of others. It could make a huge positive impact in your life. I say this with kindness, because I think those skills would make you and the people around you alot happier. Good luck.

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Laura

Wait, he has to cancel on you because his MOTHER is injured and he needs to care for her, yet he still tries to take you out for a birthday dinner the next day, and you respond by completely ignoring him for… how long has it been now? But you’re not sure “how he can fix this”? Wow. Do yourselves both a favor and break-up with him so he can find someone he deserves.

This poor guy probably feels awful texting you and calling you every single day, only to have you completely ignore him. And why? Because his mother was injured and he had to take care of her? Seriously? Even if he could have handled it better, give the guy a break – you don’t know how upset he might have been, or worried, or other things on his mind relating to his mother’s health that are more important than a birthday. Yes, even the birthday of the great Sheneque. Katie is right – you’re a narcissist. And you can’t even appreciate the fact that he tried to take you out for dinner, wants to talk, and cares enough to call you every single day. Did you even bother finding out how his mother is? Of course not, since you admitted to not speaking a word to him. My mind is blown right now.

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Lisa

My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment out of the blue and then when he comes back around it is usually over nothing or some comment that he took the wrong way without asking for clarification at the time. I am currently getting the silent treatment after a great weekend together, but he had performance anxiety and has shut down. I have told me every time that it happens that sometimes that just happens but hopefully he knows how much I love him and that it isn’t a problem for me at all. He refuses to discuss it and has told me that he has never had this problem before, which seriously hurts. I don’t know what I should do.

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anon

Hello! Me being a male who also has anxiety i hope that i can help. One thing he should do first and for most is seek help. you need to make it clear to him as much as he thinks he doesnt need help which i can almost promise he will deny the need for help. it is proven for people with anxiety that they tend to think that they can deal with it on their own. that they can figure out their own way to rid of the anxiety. this is what makes the anxiety worsen and it will only get worse till he realizes himself that he needs the help, which i know from experience. make it clear that you understand these things take time and you are there for him no matter what. you also need to keep note of when he triggers anxiety and why its happening to begin with. this will help you qualify the things that are going wrong inside your relationship and can help build a plan to repair. in other words, he needs to see a counselor so he can find what works with him on how to control his anxiety and the reasons for his anxiety attacks need to be noted as well. usually it is caused by a reminder of past experience. almost a deja vu moment. i hope this helps!

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Angel

It’s the same here
He is basically my boyfriend and best friend so we are close
We could be chatting and in a few seconds, his mood changes…. when I try asking what the problem is ,he says it’s nothing, and I probably feel he is tired cos of his hectic job but then when he gets around others , he plays and jokes around with them.
It’s at this point I usually realized I might have done something to offend him but he wouldn’t spill
I tend to start having chest burn and the migraine that disturbs me get triggered.
Back then he would be like that until he saw me shaking,that’s when he would apologize and calm me down
But recently he doesn’t even mind me again.
On my part if I gave him the thinnest bit of cold treatment, he would beg, because of how I love him,I can’t bear it for long,I would forgive and give in to him in few minutes but on his part,I will use different methods,I would act cute,I will call him sweet names,I will try playing,I would try kneeling but he still would not give in….He could go on with the silent treatment for days,most times am the one who begs him after those few days before he too comply and also apologize. By that time am already so broken
We have spoken severally on that topic,we have agreed that when ever we got offended with each other,we should say it immediately and we will be fine.It seems am the only one who has kept to that but he wouldn’t even tell me the reason why he gave me those treatments in the first place
Sometimes when we are good,he would tell me why he refused talking to me, sometimes he won’t
And right now,am in the same situation
I don’t know exactly why I feel this way whenever he does that…I cry,I feel like I can’t breathe,and migraine is triggered
I don’t know what to do to stop feeling this way whenever he gives the silent treatment
What do you suggest 😔💔

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Lucy

I met this guy he said his up for marriage so he has no time to date
So we started chatting his caring doesn’t want to hurt me always saying sorry if he of fence
Always checks up on me but on a particular day he dd’t…..I decided to check up didn’t mind me ask if he waz ok he said yes
What should I do

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Rita

When things move too quick it’s fishy… I met 2 men like this and both fishy. See how many times this happens…. then you can make a clear choice

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Mpho

I met this guy on Facebook we started chatting exchanging numbers..started to watsap each other and call..we finally met..we were getting along so well our last conversation was he is leaving to mpumalanga on Sunday and he’ll be back on Thursday..and he’ll make it up to me..then I called later on to check on him he didn’t pik up and his other cell was off..I called the next day both phones were of later I got hold of him on 1 of his phones..I asked why he switched his phone off he didn’t see anything wrong by switching it of..the next day I called again the other phone is still off the other 1 rang but he didn’t pick up..I really don’t what to do in this situation.

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Lonely

I really need some help. For a week now I have been beside myself, with little sleep and can’t eat and tend to stare at the walls. I have depression, so this situation isn’t helping me one bit. I met a guy a few months ago at a course and we would talk at the breaks, but there was never anything more than just people talking. We have a lot in common, and connected very well. After the course he and I, and a couple of others remained in contact. We would talk for hours either by email or he’d call me on the phone. We never tired of talking and joking around about everything. But about 3 weeks ago after I had a few people at my house, he and I were left alone to talk some more and as he was leaving, he kissed me. It was very surreal at first because I had no idea he was interested in me that way. But he stirred up hidden feelings in me ( I had been in a long and abusive marriage ) and was not sure if I was ready to take this further, but did say we would need to take things slowly, because I didn’t want to ruin the great connection and friendship we had. But I was clear I liked him too. Even though I didn’t want to feel romantic. Everything was fine, We continued talking and kissing, it was a real teenager moment. We smiled and giggled and when he left he was smiling, and I went inside waiting for him to message me when he got home, which he did. He usually initiated all contact with me, but would often not take long to respond to an email from me. Again it all seemed fine, but we both agreed to take things slowly. After that he couldn’t come to my place the following week as planned, due to some family issue that needed sorting out. He also planned on coming to my house one night, just the two of us, so we could hang out. I thought it was important we spend some time alone ( no sex or anything ) Plus my two kids were home. And in the lead up to Christmas we talked again on the phone and email. Everything was normal. We never ever had an argument either. We just really get along incredibly well. He’s also very intelligent so he’s never boring or dull. By the Friday before Christmas when were emailing, again, all was normal. He had to go but would chat later. It was not unusual for him to not message for a day or 2, even 3 days. I sent him an e card at Christmas as I do everyone in my contacts. He messaged me at Merry Christmas and that was the last time I heard from him. It’s been a week today. I have tried messaging him, but no reply. I tried calling him, no answer. A mutual friend texted him, No reply. She wished him a happy new year on fb. No response, but he had read the message. He’s been on his fb page the last week at all hours of the day and night posting songs from youtube. I don’t look, this is what she noticed, because even she is baffled. I know he’s been dealing with some stressful issues, and I know he has trouble sleeping due to stress. But to go this long and say nothing? Only posting songs? He doesn’t have many friends, and only a few fb friends. I wished him a happy new year saying I missed our friendship. I also told him the door is always opened if he ever wants to talk again, but I wouldn’t be begging him. I was going to move on. To do this so out of the blue, with no warning signs leading up to it, can anyone offer me some insight as to what the hell has happened here? I have gone over everything to see if I had said anything that might have upset him, but there is nothing that I can see.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It’s impossible to know what has happened without speaking with him. What matters is that he has chosen to ignore you without explanation. Whatever his reason for doing this, you deserve better than that.

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Michelle

I am hoping that you can help me. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have been in and out of couples counseling throughout and have terrible communication skills. I often receive the silent treatment after arguments and I always initiate conversations to work out the problem. However, there are times that he gives me the silent treatment just out of the blue. For example, last night I brought up having a discussion about finances which made him immediately angry. After having the talk, it seemed that everything was back to “normal”. We watched tv and talked like we usually do throughout the evening. This morning, I woke up and tried to initiate conversation with him, he said a few words and it was clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. I have no idea why he stopped talking to me or engaging with me. My initial reaction when he usually does this is to force a conversation to “work it out”. I ask him why he chooses not to talk and he just tells me that he has nothing to say or talk about. So today, I just went back to bed and slept for the rest of the day. I was so depressed and hurt but I knew that attempting to address the issue would not help things. If he has something to say, he eventually just approach me and say something. I woke up before dinner time and he still didn’t say anything and ignored me until he went to bed. I’m not sure how tomorrow is going to go, but if I had to guess, I will say that he won’t acknowledge me again. I still have no idea why he chose to shut me out. What can I do to make myself feel a little better while he shuns me. I am fighting the urge to try to work it out as I figure that if he has something to talk to me about, he will eventually approach me. Thanks for reading this.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Michelle I wish there was something that could help you to feel better, but the reason it feels awful is because it’s awful. It’s a lonely feeling being disconnected from the person you love, but it is made worse when the disconnection seems without reason. The big question is what is he getting out of doing this? What happens more, or less, that makes it worth it for him to disconnect from you like this. People only do what works, and this is an important question for your relationship moving forward. If he is unwilling to change or to discuss this with you, the question then becomes is this the relationship you want to be in, and the way you want to be loved.

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Stacy

My long distance boyfriend of almost three years goes silent on me if I cry and tell him I have to get off the phone. The discussions that make me frustrated and cry are because he will cancel a trip to visit or he has chosen to spend a holiday with his ex wife and son. It’s when I show disappointment. We do not yell or even fight, it’s like my tears set him off. He ignores text and calls. Each time the days of silence increase. One time 6 days, another 14, another 22. This current one is on day 5. He didn’t speak to me Christmas. It has happened 6 times over the three years. He breaks the silence to send a text or email that says his life is full (work,his sons) he says he works for everyone but himself, and that he knows I need more than he is capable of understanding to give in a personal way. (Not sure what he means) He says his love is sincere as are his efforts to see me safe and happy. He says autopilot is his only sanctuary. Then he goes silent again. I usually try to text and call him with no reply. This time I have not tried. When he finally calls or texts after the silence he doesn’t want to talk about it and acts like it didn’t happen. Is there anything that can be done to alter his silence? I know I could not cry but anything else to get a different result of no silence? The rest of the time he is a great guy, I have known him my entire life and really don’t want to lose him, I just always have a fear that one time the silence will continue forever.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It sounds as though there is a bit of confusion happening in conversations for both you and your boyfriend. Your feelings of frustration and disappointment are valid, but the problem with crying and getting off the phone is that there is no resolution. This way of communicating isn’t healthy for your relationship, and sounds as though it is contributing to a pattern where both of you respond with some sort of silence. The important conversation that needs to happen is about the way you deal with things when one of you is disappointed with the other. Until that happens, the fundamental issues in your relationship that are causing both of you trouble – (such as the way he cancels time with you; the way his ex-wife spends holidays with him and his son) might continue to cause trouble. What do you need to feel safe? What does he need to feel safe? What needs to change so that you can both talk about these safely and in a way that feels okay for both of you? These are the things that need to be discussed to help your relationship move forward.

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Stacy

Thank you for your response.
I know what I do is not helping the situation. I am willing to change my behavior and find a solution. He has gone completely silent. I do not know how long I should wait to try to text him or call him to try to approach him with a possible solution. The last time he gave me the silent treatment it lasted 22 days. I would try to make contact and it was ignored. I just don’t want to try to push him away farther by not giving him the space he needs. I am willing to do whatever it takes.

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Aisha

Hey, I am in the Same situation as you. I am thinking of breaking up with him, as I can’t take so much pain. But then, will it be a mistake? What is your situation now? Are you still with the guy? I know, they never change. But is it worth living with them?

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Stacy

I’m just now getting back on here, just saw your response. The answer is yes he and I still go back and forth in this relationship. He still stops talking. I truly love and care about him, what he does is not a good response, but it is his response. It has been years since I first wrote in and when I saw this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t cry to him anymore, I don’t chase. If I don’t get a response back from one or two text, I stop. My response is to go do something else, something for me. He still goes silent for days even when things are going great. I can’t change him. So it just comes down to what I am willing to put up with. I will admit it’s getting harder because I know that I am worthy of so much more, a more balanced relationship, but I am the only one who can say when enough is enough. I hope things have turned out better for you. I wish you the best.

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Gracie

Is it ok to buy valentine gift for a boyfriend who has been ignoring me since january.

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Stacy

I wouldn’t give the gift. Go do something for you. Let him initiate if it is going to happen. Buy yourself something with the money you were going to spend on him. Treat yourself well, you deserve it.

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Cathy

Why would you? Honestly. I mean, he’s ignoring you for about a month and he’s still considered your boyfriend? Tell him goodbye. You can do better.

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Jen Jen

I’ve been an relationship for over 20 years. He keeps telling me he’s going to marry me he just needs money for a ring. For a very long time I believed him but now I feel like its an excuse. I’ve expressed how important it is and the ring is just a symbol for me its the commitment I’m more concerned with.
But I feel like he doesn’t listen to me and take my feelings into consideration so I give the silent treatment. I don’t like it but that’s all I know.

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Man love

Giving a space is a magical resolution to both of genders. From my experience as a man I have many examples:

1- I was talking to a girl for many years, I never liked her. I didn’t have any feelings for her. But she loved me . She was sending me messages and calls 24/7 !! She was slingy and very very needy and I ignored her many times I changed my number many times because of her.
Before fewe months she sent me ” How are you? ” I answered her very rude . She blocked me ! The strange thing now that I feel missing her soooo much ! I started to try to find her but I could not yet ! I’m missing her so bad . There are a lot of girls around me and wishing to be my friends but inspit of that I miss that girl like a crazy .
2- I have a girlfriend that I love her but she was ignoring me, I stopped contacting her since 3 weeks and I’m avoiding her at work .
This morning she sent me an amazing message ?. She said that she Loves me .

Conclusion … We are human love the things that are not available for us ! It’s our psychological structure. Be cool be calm be rare You will be loved .

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AL

For number #1 if you just acknowledge her with appreciation of her feelings for you and nicely decline her love, that would be a MANLY thing to do! You missed her because you took her efforts for granted. Simple. If you ever find out how to reach her, just tell her the above, so that she can be appreciated.

I am a man myself.

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Elena

I am really happy I came across this article and all the experiences at this very moment.

My name is Elena and I have been having a long-distance relationship with an African guy for almost 2 years and a half now. It’s been an on-off relationship most of the time cause I always expected / demanded more from him in terms of commitment and emotional response and I guess he expected I’d become the type of woman he imagined in his mind.

Between us there was always much sexual chemistry but I wanted more than ur daily messages, and a proof of that is that I eventually moved from México where I was living for a period of time to France -where he was living- to have at least the chance to meet face to face once more.

Even if it took him 2 weeks to meet me after my desperation to see him when arrived in France, even if he would leave me with no contact for almost a week after our sexual encounters and other things, I still went on with it.

In the last stage of our story which is only a few months ago, he started to show a more controlling side in his messages. He would tell me things like if I wanted to be with him I had to follow his way or I had to please his desires. He would ask me why I didn’t want to ‘learn’ (he had mentioned in the past he wanted a quiet woman not one showing him ‘balls’) and would also demand me to treat him with the highest respect. I am a pretty independent woman who has travelled extensively, photographer, passionate about my goals in life and mostly loved around so maybe he was more determined than ever to make me more submissive.

After our ups and downs, after waiting for him for almost 1 1/2 year always listening to his ‘I’ll meet u soon’; after days when he’d be unreachable with excuses, even if my feelings were still intense, I decided to start to live my life a bit..

In our last conversation 3 weeks ago, I expressed I had been sexually with another man what felt as if I was burning him out. He said he felt that as a total disrespect of him and that he didn’t need me, then blocked every possible way of me contacting him. With some desperation, I tried to write him from another account but he never answered me again.

At the beginning I was feeling pretty ok thinking he was maybe doing me a favour, but after a few weeks now I have started to feel the consequences of the silent treatment I think he is giving me.

I am a positive and passionate but it’s days now that I cry and cry when I get home, my mood has changed and it’s like putting up with a terrible feeling as if he had passed away. I have a deep feeling of abandonment and the uncertainty of if I’ll ever hear from him again or not is just there unavoidably hurting.

I know I should move on and focus on my proyects which I have but he is just wandering around on my mind all day long.

Sorry if I wrote such a long story but it just had to come out!

Thanks in advance for taking time to read my words.

Elena

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Desire

My long distance boyfriend is ignoring me for two days now and am really confuse because we don’t have any issues and we were pretty cool the last time we talked on phone ..so should i chat him up to know whats going on with him?because when ever he ignores me …I always try to start a conversation with him
buh right now ..am really confused

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Amy

Hello,
I am in a very unhealthy situation. I married my bf of 8 years and we have been married for 4 years now. My husband has the habit of giving me the silent treatment. And this has happened numerous times before and after marriage. A strange change that I notice in him after marriage is that he has absolutely no demands/complaints, whereas I have many and that usually triggers a cycle of silent treatment. I get angry easily at small things and complain or accuse him and he can’t take even the slightest criticism. Once a silent episode starts it can go on forever because I also return the same thing for a while. But I usually lose it completely after a certain point and become so uncontrollably angry at being treated like this. I feel ashamed of the behaviour I put forth. I cracked my tv screen last day. I don’t like it that this takes me to such levels of madness. What should I do? I guess the problem is mostly with me. My mother also was a master of silent treatment and I have experienced it so many times in childhood too.
My husband has the opinion that this cycle is going to be a part of our life;me upsetting him and him giving silent treatment and then me being a total freak throwing abuses and things around the house. He is ok with the cycle, accepts it and do not expect any improvement and will not work on it either. Whereas I would like to have a better life. What can I do?

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

It sounds as though there is a difficult dynamic in the relationship. It’s important to get your husband’s side of things. What might feel like a small criticism to you, might feel differently for him. What is it like for him when you get angry at the smallest thing? Or when you complain or accuse him of things? He might seem okay with it, but I expect it might wear thin after a while. It’s difficult to feel loving and nurturing when the person you love gets angry, critical or judgemental all the time. It sounds as though there is something you both need from each other that you aren’t getting. This is an important conversation that needs to happen, and you might need outside support from a counsellor. If your husband doesn’t feel safe to speak the truth, there is a possibility that he might say whatever he needs to to stay out of trouble. We can all be a bit like that, and it’s understandable. Try beginning the conversation by letting him know that you know you can do things better, and that you want the relationship to be better for both of you. Ask him what you can do that would make things better for him. Then, gently say what you would like. If there has been tension for a while, it might be a difficult conversation to have, in which case a counsellor might be a really helpful support to make this happen.

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Amy

Thanks for your reply karen. I am looking to find a good counselor in my area. Hope we are able to resolve this.

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Sangeeta

Hello I am not in relationships but i love one guy who is 10 years elder than me I am 30 years. Things is that he had a crush on me and we are taking and chatting we meet also also after so many months over finally we meet! Now I am in love with him! When I said to him he said he need a time have patience and he always said calm down!! I am getting day by day frustrated and sometimes I just yelled out!! It’s been 3 weeks now we hardly communicated to each other but I just missed him in every day! I know I can’t do message and call but I don’t what to do next?? Should I wait should I block or should ignore!?? I love him in real and he doesn’t said any words??

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Rita

Hi

My case is at the extreme end , where after 10 years of experiencing silent treatment from husband has shut down.

He is acting out a change in behaviour, but l feel l am far gone. I am not worried at all but l find my feelings strange.

Thus new feeling makes me care free and takes no notice of what happenes with him around me.

I love this feeling of distance and shut down. Please l hope it will stay with me for good. But the danger is l am unsure about what will happen to the marriage.

We gave two kids

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Rita it sounds as though you have found a way to keep yourself safe from being hurt by your husband’s silent treatment. It is understandable that after a long time of trying to be open and loving, and seeing that it doesn’t work, that you would learn a different way to be in the relationship. It may be a way to stop you from hurting in the relationship, and it may be a way to make your relationship work for longer, but the risk is that neither of you are getting what you need from the relationship or from each other. The risk is that the distance between the two of you will widen. It is for you to decide whether this is the safer option for you – and it might be – or whether it is worth trying to reconnect with your husband, perhaps through counselling.

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Jess - been there.. there is light x

Sound most identical to my situation. We also have 2 children. I woke up one day almost a year ago and realised that my life would never change. Tried councilling, asking family to help etc. It would settle for a couple of weeks and then straight back to stonewalling. You have to decide what is enough… I had ano incident at work and came home extremely upset. He pretended like I still didn’t exist to him and I snapped. He knew I meant it this time and had the cheek to say that he was proud of me and was just waiting for me to one day stand up for myself! Well 1 yr on its the best decision I ever made. The children have adjusted well and while it has bn tough, everyone (but him) seems to be thriving. Stand up and stop the cycle, however you see fit… wishing you luck and love whatever you decide x

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Evie

My boyfriend (27y) and I (26y) have been together since only 5 month. We have known each other for over 7 years. He always had feelings for me, some of our friends said he even loved me. He was in a relationship with someone though and I never had real interst in him. This year they broke up, because she wanted to move in. 3 month later he started to woo and court me. He was very very attentive and gentlemanly. I’ve known this side of him since a view years, but never in this high regard. It was amazing. We spend nearly everyday in the week togehter, took a short trip with our friends and had the best time. We were really really happy and I fell in love. Since one month he started to text less, but otherwise we were still the same. 2 weeks ago he tells me he isn’t sure if we are what he wants and he wants to be with me, but doesn’t know if it’s the right thing… and he needed space. It hurt so much. I never felt like that before. I gave him space, but over one week of no contact, nothing (though we talked everyday before) I couldn’t handle it anymore and told him it was unfair and where we are in our relationship. He said he doesn’t know, but he wants to try. Since our talk, one week later we haven’t heard or seen each other. 2 days ago he joined us with a friend for a drink. He didn’t outright ignore me, but he avoided me. All of our friends knew something was up. He didn’t even look at me and laughed with everybody, but showed no interest in me at all. I cried then, my girlfriend took care of me and he saw it, but still nothing. He hasn’t contacted me since. The last time we intimate was 3 weeks ago. He is shutting me out and I don’t know what to do. It’s the worst. I rather we fight and scream than just silently waiting. I’m thinking of breaking up… what do you think? Did he simply fall out of love? Why would he deliberately hurt me so much when he was so kind before?

Reply
Sarah

Evie, You might try the Baggage Reclaim website from London. It’s all about emotionally unavailable people (men and women) and how their behavior can affect us when we are not aware of what they are doing.

Their behavior is dysfunctional and we need to protect ourselves from them. First, learn about the dynamics. Then, start to take care of YOU. If he dumped a woman because she wanted greater intimacy, see how he did the same to you. And to ignore you in front of your mutual friends? I mean, wow. Just wow. It’s not you – you were the most accessible victim for him to act out on. Learn more and protect yourself.

PS – He was never “kind” to you, he used you to drive a wedge between him and the other woman and to keep her far away from him. And – to hurt her so she wouldn’t come near him. Great guy, huh?

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May

My husband and I have been together for 3 years now. We do love eachother deeply which is why I am so hurt that I chose to use the silent treatment. He has disregarded my feelings multiple times by continuing to hide things from me and I have had many talks with him prior to this last instance. He claimed he would change and we tried again…many times. This was the last straw. It has been a week and I am feeling emotionally disconnected and finished with trying to save our relationship. He disgusts me everytime I look at him or think about him. Do you think the relationship is over? I do not want to put anymore energy into us. I feel numb to him. What do you think? Have you heard of this before? Do you think I am finished?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

May I don’t think anybody but you and your husband can decide when your marriage is finished. One thing is for certain, the silent treatment will never bring people closer. Does he understand exactly what you need? Are there things he needs from you? What stops him from giving you what you need? What is he hiding? Why does he feel the need to do this? Is there something about the relationship that makes it feel unsafe for him to be open? I don’t know the answers to these, but they are the things that need discussing. It’s likely that you both have needs that aren’t being met. If he feels your disgust, it is going to be very difficult, I expect, for him to give you what you need. Have you considered counselling? Sometimes it takes a third party to help to bring out in the open in a way that can be heard, the issues that each person in the relationship is struggling with.

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May

Thank you. I think counseling is the only other option before giving up. We will look into this. I appreciate you’re response and opinion.

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olderbudwiser

I’m certain some people don’t want anything to do with others because they’re toxic. However, when it comes to relationships (friends, lovers, etc.), it depends on the level of maturity. The silent treatment is hurtful but it also constitutes a level of forgiveness to the injured party. This is where maturity comes into play. Both parties injured must park their pride and put away pouting tantrums and learn to forgive. Otherwise it could lead to emotional unavailability and the loss of a trusted friendship.

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jei

My bf of 3 years has the habit of ignoring me. I just don’t like it if he is not giving me time and we are on LDR now and i think communication is very important. I always try to explain it to him that communication is important and his response is always “i understand”. But then again he will always go back to his old ways. And ofcourse i always confront him and everytime his reason is always that he is very busy with work. He also has the habit of keeping me wait for his texts or call but he never gets back which is very annoying espcially that he knows i am waiting. For our 3 years of dating its been an always on and off relationship. In the past when he was giving me the cold treatment i would also go silent after being frustrated at initiating conversation with him, and he would text after many days of no communication. But everytime he is ignoring me i always feel and fear that he wants to leave me, and it is so devastating. I do not know what to do please help me. Since yesterday he has not been contacting me again after i confronted him about not giving me much time. Im so hurt. Why are men like that?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Not all men are like this, and certainly there are some women who are like this. If this relationship is painful to be in, it is about the particular person or the combination of both of you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that all men are like this. There are so many wonderfully generous, loving men out there.

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nellie

I think he is stringing you along. He likes what he has but not enough to give you what you want. Look for a book called “how to stop being the string”.

He may not the one for you and does not think you are the one either. It would not be an off and on thing if it were, because he would be risking losing you.

Stop telling him how important communication is. Instead just tell him how not talking makes you feel. Say “I feel sad or I feel lost or I feel scared.” Then give him a chance to respond. Most men are overwhelmed by how much women talk. Think of it as a tennis game. You send the ball over the net and he has to send it back. Some guys are very slow players but pick up speed if you let them go at their own pace.

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dido

iam in a relationship with this girl who completely ignores me.we broke up weeks ago after she claimed I was cheating on her with her friend which was never true.I told her I will stop contacting all ladies if it would make things better which I did.she doesn’t pick my calls or return my texts lately.I confronted her and told her we should break up but she told me she loves me.
what should I do

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Nobody can tell you what to do – you are the only one who has the detail of your relationship and what it’s like to be in the relationship, and whether it’s worth staying or letting go. All the best with your decision.

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Dee

I met this guy we got closer he showed all the signs of liking me.Another guy liked me and I told him.He started bad mouthing the guy.Showing me major mixed signals.Then saying i cant talk right now.I text him nothing no reply going on 6 months.He just shutdown.I called him a gurl answer his phone.I think I hurt him really bad.I think he Loved me.Now im hurting.

Reply

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

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As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

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I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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