Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt


When Someone You Love is Toxic How to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship, Without Guilt

If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.

Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.

Why do toxic people do toxic things?

Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished. 

Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.

It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.

Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.

Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.

Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control. 

Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic

Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.

Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.

Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.

Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.

Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.

At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.

The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.

Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.

We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.

Why are toxic relationships so destructive?

In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.

Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.

The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.

Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.

Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now. 

Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.

Why are toxic people so hard to leave?

If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.

Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.

When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track. 

Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.

Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other. 

For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.

Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.

But they do it because they love me. They said so.

Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before. 

The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.

Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.

The one truth that matters.

If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.

Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice. 

Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.

Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.

The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.

When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.

There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.

The growth.

Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.

You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.

One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you. 

You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.

Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots. 

If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.

Like this article?

Subscribe to our free newsletter for a weekly round up of our best articles



Crying so hard while reading this. This article describes the “love” of my fiance towards me. It is always me, I am the one that is always wrong. A fight is me disagreeing with him, him screaming and yelling, making fun of me, telling me everything that is wrong with me, then me apologizing and promising to be/do better. 4 years into his recovery and not much has changed. I need to leave but am terrified, I love him, and it hurts, but I can’t live like this anymore.


I’m in this situation right now. My name is Jeff and it hurts,however I can’t live like this anymore. It’s killing me. I’m So lost. What to do. I came in this full throttle and now she’s no longer interested in me,my feelings etc etc. I def need some serious advice. Please help.


I just walked out of this type of relationship. Its been 16 months since i felt belittled, disrespected, and everything about me is wrong and I’m the worst kind of person in his life. Everything I did never made him happy or even put his mind in it. When I talked to him about things that made me uncomfortable and unacceptable, he yelled, scolded, cursed me and pointed his finger back at me. He always complained about me, and compared me to his ex…. There were so many things I couldn’t endure any longer. So I broke up with him. And I felt like a bag full of boulders just fell out of my shoulders.


This is so crazy! I asked Google why does he say he lives me yet despise’s me?
Why??? The fact of the matter is that this hurts so them and my love over the past 6 years is now a sick crazy lonley ,hurt ,scared, mentally and verbally abused! “You really are DUMB arnt you..” That’s his famous line to me, or make throw up nouses when I walk by cheating, my heart is so broken.. my mind is unstabel n I have No self Esteem..
I’m homeless n he’s at his grandparents. We where to be married years ago! I have a dress n shoes!! I feel physically sick without him…
I need help!!! Truth is.. I go back
I Always go back.. I have to change I’m worthy of love and so are you, every single one of us going through this.. we deserve Loved.

Beena gautam

Please Advise.
I’m 19 years old and my Boyfriend is 31 years old and is a divorcee.
His wife left him due to his anger and physical abusive behavior. He told me it was just 1 time but everyone else says it was regular. After 4 months he beated me up on road on the basis of doubt he had on me which turned out to be wrong. I tried to leave him him but he threatened me with pictures. He brought this issue to my family which was really shameful for me.
He told me he was graduated but he’s not. He keeps a doubt on all my friends and keeps checking all my texts and hacks my accounts.
I want to leave him but he manipulates me in a way that I end up thinking maybe I am wrong and overthinking but he repeats same things after a week.
I’m sure I want him to go but he makes me realize that I am being selfish and leaving him for no reason.
Am I really being selfish keeping in mind he cheated me twice and beated me thrice.
Should I feel guilty for prioritizing myself over my toxic ex?

please help

helphelphelp. i met this boy online about eight and a half months ago. we became very good friends and i sooner or later told him i was falling for him. we started to talk more and facecam etc… he started to tell me things that he didn’t like about myself, such as how i needed to start acting my age and not like a little kid, or that i was the only one who thought i was funny. he later started to try to control me as it seemed. he told me he couldn’t find me attractive in buns, didn’t want me to wear skirts so other boys wouldn’t see my legs, and no mascara because he “couldn’t handle” it. whenever i tried to tell him how he acted was sort of hurting me, he always over dramatically went into a sad phase and then blamed the bad parts of our relationship on me. he keeps telling me how he wants me alone and everything like that whenever i try to hang out with my friends, and even has told me to get rid of some of them. he’s even sometimes threatened to leave me if i don’t do things he wants in a certain way. i feel like i’m attached to him, like i can’t get away. i need major help. ) :


I just ended a 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I loved, adored, and gave my all to. The relationship was a hard one to begin with – he is significantly older than me, is a widower, and has three adult daughters that refused to accept him moving on with his life and starting a relationship with me. They wreaked havoc in my life and he failed to stand up for me, for us. Despite this, and many other initial problems, I stuck with him. I loved him and when things were good between us, those were the best times of my life. But there were so many red flags…. too many to even go into, but one of the biggest ones was how he dealt with conflict. Every time we had a conflict, according to him it was ALWAYS my fault. He would either disappear and not talk to me at all, or berate me endlessly for my ‘mistakes’, while admitting no responsibility himself. I tried countless times to have a calm and productive conversation with him about the things that were happening, only to have EVERYTHING turned around on me, and him painting himself as the victim. About two years into the relationship I received a text from him just after midnight on New Years Day telling me it wouldn’t work, and breaking off all contact with me. I was absolutely devastated and fell into a serious depression. I got back on my feet and a couple of months later I sent him a nice message wishing him well. He then reappeared in my life and resumed our relationship. However, during this last year, he has started treating me like utter crap. Again, blaming and deflecting all the time, refusing to have a mature conversation, insulting and disrespecting me. He also started constantly accusing me of cheating, which I have never done. Regardless he would interrogate me constantly, literally police-style interrogation of repeating the same questions endlessly regardless of what I said until I would break down in tears. But not even this would stop him. I would then be accused of ‘not loving him’ and other things. I could do nothing right. I had put everything, everything into the relationship. This man was my life. But he was torturing me psychologically, and I knew I wouldn’t survive if I stayed with him. I left, and feel so incredibly sad because I miss him and what we had so bad, but I can’t live my life being treated like garbage by the man I love. He also jeopardized the job I love and have worked incredibly hard for, and ran off my friends. I feel so sad and so broken. I keep thinking what I could have done for him to love me and treat me with kindness and respect, but I can honestly say I tried everything I can think of. In the end you can’t make anyone love you. And take it from me, these types NEVER change. Save yourself before you get in as deep as I did. Good luck to all.

Dr Blabby

I could be you. I’ve put up with this BS for 12 yrs – married the last 6. What you described was a narcissist. They don’t discuss. They blame. They project. They abuse – so many tricks in their bag to convince you it’s all YOUR fault. I am a very strong woman — come from an abusive childhood so probably can “handle” more than most. But why am I? This man/boy has the maturity of a 5 yr old – i’m his 3rd wife — We’ve broken up so many times I have lost count and of course, he blames ME. He lies – cheats – manipulates. but it’s MY fault?? I know what I should do — WHAT hold does this guy have over me? We don’t even live together anymore – long story.. Anyway. I applaud you for having the courage to end it. No, they invest nothing. NO, they do not change. They promise you the moon but wind up giving you dog poop. Narcissism. Sociopathy. It’s a mental disorder. They will never be held accountable for their deplorable behavior — Only thing they understand is if you LEAVE. I pray for even greater strength. HE has sucked the life out of me — I literally feel it — The hope. The love. Everytyhing. Don’t try to figure them out. IT’s like trying to pin jello to the wall. We are only possessions. Things to own and control. No more and no less. Get out if you can.

Bear Palomo

Advice please: I was with a family member who got drunk at a wedding and was belligerent drunk, hitting, kicking, peeing in public on a park bench. (The hitting and kicking was light/ineffective). Next day, I’m talking about it w/ them and they tell me to stop talking. They don’t want to discuss it. I keep talking and say I have a right to talk and won’t be silenced. I am concerned about their behavior and alcoholism.
This blows up into an argument that goes on and on. Later I get a letter from them saying I was gaslighting and abusive.
I don’t agree with this diagnosis but understood their feelings. We hung out again, again got into arguing, this was different with no alcohol involved.
But now we are not talking and I miss them. But I also don’t know what to do. I feel like the past issues aren’t resolved and I know I’m not perfect ( I raise my voice when frustrated or am critical about drunken violence and peeing in public) but I don’t think I am toxic/abusive/gaslighting. I am wondering am I trying to control them (and I am unaware of it), are they trying to control me? I’m confused. I don’t want to hurt them nor do I want to be manipulated. I am very distressed thinking of letting them go as a family member/friend and never talking to them again, but if one of us is toxic maybe that’s the best choice?


so i left ohio to be with the man of my dreams so he could also help his dad since i have been there i have been called names crused at by him the sex part stopped i told him no more to calling me bitch or saying the f word to me. Told to get out looking for a place but felling trapped because i have to save $$ to move


I’ll try and make a long story short. I met my fiancee on Tinder a little over a year ago. The chemistry was there like fire, and of course the honeymoon faze was over for me after around 6 months. I feel like most people go through this, it just got the point where I didn’t want to have somebody all over me constantly. We have lived together for around 7 months now and to say it’s been rocky is an understatement. A fine example is having a normal evening of spending time together having dinner and watching tv, then get to bed and be told I had been ignoring her all evening. Then for the next hour I get cussed at, yelled at, and degraded about how worthless of a person I am. This went on probably at least 4 or 5 days a week for several weeks. I’m the type person that I’ll shut down when treated like that and basically keep to myself, then that turns into even more arguments for not giving her attention. She also has 3 younger children that also are another factor to deal with, and she has them all the time, their father is out of the picture. When you’ve been told things like you are going to hell, karma will get me, and having her tell me that my own children hate me ( which isn’t true at all ), it’s hard to reconcile with someone after hearing those types of things repeatedly. The sad truth is a still care for her and have feelings for her but our relationship is so TOXIC. It’s getting to the point that my children I feel are to the point they don’t like being around her. My girls ( 14yrs old ) yelled at my fiancee recently one night when they heard her yelling and screaming at me, for her to stop yelling at me that I deserved better. Her reaction was my kids were in the wrong, that she didn’t do anything wrong, even though she was yelling/screaming at me while I lay in bed calmly trying to talk to her. So we’ve basically agreed is over for us and she’s been making plans to move out and find a house. I shouldn’t care anymore, but I found out yesterday she’s already back on Tinder and talking to someone, actually a nephew to a buddy of mine. When I brought it up to her that I knew about it, first she tried to deny some of it, then claims she only went on there to have someone to talk to, I call bull on that one, Tinder isn’t the place to just ” talk ” to people, I’m pretty sure she wore the site out before we started dating and that’s actually how we met. I know she’s moving out, but could she at least not have had the decency to get back on dating sites until she moved out ? Unlike her, I wouldn’t dare to that until long after she had moved out. My life has become a see saw anymore, it’s up one day then down the next. She actually called me this morning on her way to work to ask if there was anything that could save our relationship ? Really ??? She wants to make me out the be the bad person but continually asking me if I’m 100% done with her. I do still care for her, but holly cow, how much can I take of this ? Also on a side not, she basically hates my family and my family is a huge part of my life and they have always been there for me during my darkest times, especially a really bad divorce a few years ago( an adulterous wife whom ended an 18 year marriage and financially set me back years ).

I’d encourage any advice from anyone, don’t hold back be honest.



I think im in a toxic relationship everytime i find a new job opportunity my boyfriend an his mother always put me down and tell me im not cut out for the job baring in mind hes a mummys boy. He never complements me hes always telling me im being dramatic when i try to confront him about our problems an never wants too solve them an the only time hes nice to me is if hes scared im going to leave him. I really dont know what to do because i love him more than anything but i cant go on giving all the love i can to him and gettin nothing back from him i have been with him 3 years now n he promises to change but never acts on it . Also i always come as a last priority to him with everyone n when i want some time alone with him like normal couples do i just feel like im annoying him n thats hes not enjoying spending time with me if anyone could give me any advice that would be great thanks .


THANK YOU. This is the very best article I’ve found! It’s perfect for me and my situation and I read and reread as it gives me strength and resolve that I’m doing the right thing. My brother is incredibly toxic in his verbal attacks, gas lighting, threats, twisting truths to name a few. He uses the internet, email, phone, relatives and anything he can dream up to deliver his toxicity. There’s no ‘good times’ only the toxicity. It was hard to sever the ties because I have love and feel sadness for him. I have separated and am almost total no contact and this drives him crazy. I believe he has undiagnosed BPD or something similar. But despite my going no contact, he continues to spew his venom. I don’t know that he’ll ever stop. It’s been years now. I’m healing but I really would like to know if there’s anything I can do to actually get him to stop. Any advice is appreciated.


I’m not gonna lie, I think I’m the one you are talking about, I kinda hope not.
Well if you are I need you to know I’m sorry and I am ashamed in myself and I’m sorry everyone I’ve had an extremely hard day and I’m on the edge ATM sorry just been really hard series of events,
That’s not you is it Marcie? From Taiwan my name is Zak.
I just am curious and I’m sorry all though I haven’t messaged the Marcie I’m talking about for a long time but I was stupid


So I met my partner almost 2 years ago. Found out for the first half a year I was being cheated and lied to. I brought it up and he swore he’d changed and it kept happening until I was ready to leave him for good. It has been over a year since he cheated but he has anger problems through the roof. If I ever have a problem or am worried I’m too scared to talk about it or a fight happens where I’m called clingy bitch, bitch or just constantly told to fuck off. He gets it in his head that anytime I’ve brought something up that I’m trying to fight and he yells at me. I can’t even talk about daily things without him getting the wrong idea about what I say then insulting me and yelling. It feels like I have not been happy in months but when things are good he acts so sweet. He acts sweet when he wants and it’s like everything revolves around his time. I thoight if we got over what happened in the past things will be good. Though no matter how I act the end is the same he reacts the same calling me names and getting upset whether I listen to him and do everything for him or I try to communicate about something he does that hurts. Either way it just ends in him yelling at me and saying we are fighting even if I have nothing to say except that I still love him.


It’s the breaking away and feeling ok I’m struggling with. For 6 years I have been dealing with my partner who I held out hope would magically change. For so long I believed it why my inability and my slowness and my stupidity as he always told me that was wrong, I could never do or say enough, and he would leave and I would cry for him back. It was always going to be better or change. A year ago he he slapped me so hard my glasses flew across the room , on New Years, he said I was being loud and I was drunk , yes I had been drinking which is rare for me but any of my friends know I’m one of the happy drinkers my feet get tingly and my face read and I laugh a lot, in any case it was over but of coarse I took him back. He has come close a few times to losing his temper since but hasn’t and he smashed a cookie in my face once before , I know should have been a red flag! Most recently after two months of treating me aweful he says it was his guilt he cheated, we get over that oddly not even that seemed to floor me, keep in mind six years and we haven’t had intimacy but I love him , 4 of those years I must add he was incarcerated yes I know another red flag. So he hired two professionals because he needed to see what was wrong ok whatever, well recently I find out he’s been using drugs and hanging out in crack houses I assume this doesn’t help matters and I finally had enough yesterday of the mental and emotional abuse followed by lie after lie, and I ended it. So why does it get so much and I’m struggling not to beg him to leave me? I know he is toxic I know he can’t and won’t change , he spent from 18-34 incarcerated and I just am so believing the world is rainbows and butterflies. He blamed things on me because I wouldn’t move in but I have a child and I was to scared for her never mind myself to bring her around him and his unpredicatable moods. How can I avoid doing this again and does it get better? I also bought a house he’s been living in and I live in my own house as he plan was to sell one and move into together when it was right. He’s on my phone plan and the house is near my family. I feel so stuck and lost and like the emotional roller coaster never ends.

Karen Young

As long as you are in this relationship you will be on an emotional roller coaster. You have the strength and courage inside you tcan create a better life for you and Your daughter. Bad relationships become bad habits. The familiarity of the relationship combined with the fear of the unknown can make it difficult to leave. What seems certain though is that this relationship is causing breakage. Where do you see yourself and your daughter in 12 months if you stay? There is a better life for you and the love you deserve. Give it the space and opportunity to find you – if not for you, at least for your daughter.


You’re not stuck. Why do you take all of this abuse from him? He’s hitting you and you still think that he’s worth it?? You have a daughter…& you think that moving him in with you is a great idea?? What are you thinking? You’re clearly not!! If you can’t think of anybody else, think about your daughter. You’re putting her in a very dangerous situation. He used to be in prison & there’s no telling what he was subjected to while serving out his sentence. You need to find the strength to move on before you end up getting hurt or even killed. You have a daughter that needs you. Stop being selfish & think about her. What message are you sending to her? Children only do what they see.


Hi. I am with a married man for 2 years and 10 months now. At first, I was hesitant to do the relationship because I know he was married but he was very caring and promised me a lot things…. Suddenly, his wife knew and instead of covering up for me..he suddenly decided to go home and talk things out with her. He promised he will come back to me because he loves me. But I felt betrayed, anxious..what should I do ?


A married man rarely ever leaves his wife. If he’ll do it WITH you, then he’ll do it TO you! In other words, if he’ll cheat on his wife, then what do you think that he won’t do it to you? A married man is a DEAD END! It’s a dangerous situation & you could end up being physically hurt as well. The wife knows about you…but she won’t blame the husband, but she will blame you. No matter how much you pray that he will leave her, God will not break their covenant just so that you can have him. He doesn’t work that way. I’m coming at you from experience. I have tried this and it doesn’t work! Since becoming a Christian, I would NEVER do that again. God will send you YOUR OWN HUSBAND at His own time. This man will NEVER be with you when he clearly belongs to someone else.


Correction: If he’ll cheat on his wife, then what makes you think that he won’t do it to you?


I date my boyfriend about 1.5 year. First 5 months were amazing, he was the first man from very long time i trusted in 100%. At the beginning of 2017 things got worse. I had lots of stress at work, somehow my personal life started to get worse. My boyfriend started to leave in the evenings especially on weekends. Our sex life was amazing, I didnt see any reason for him to avoid me, I was cleaning , cooking , making sure we have time together It happened on few ocassions , we talked a lot about this but he was still going out. once he returned home on the next day afternoon… After huge argument i left him in May.. But I was still missing him, I struggled to date other guys and finally we back to each other in August. I forgive him everything, he told me he had gambling problems. I dont trust him that much now but I still want him in my life… And this is what I cant understand.. why I need him?? We doesnt leave together anymore ( he said he s scared I will kick him out again).. All what we do is drinking, partying and sex.. lots of talks, we keep talking about our problems all the time. Its hard to explain but one day he makes me the most happy person on the word and the next day he can hurt my feelings so badly that I get really angry and we argue. We left each other about 10 times … I dont get any help really from him, I think it may be only adrenaline.. But I cant imagine life without him, somehow I still believe he can change ( he is younger 7 years ) I know he had difficult childhood. I am trying really hard to make this relationship work, but he doesnt do much to look after it. I dont know if I am crazy and I ask for too much. I am scared if we split up again I will drink and smoke again, sometimes I want to kill myself. I can feel he blame me for everything and even when I know its not true , somehow I still agree that its my fault. I am to weak to leave. I dont know what to do. I need love in my life so much that I agree to be treated badly i guess.


That’s the issue here. You’re the ONLY one who is trying to make it work! He doesn’t care & his actions reflect that. You’re only weak because you said that you’re weak. Words have power…so instead of saying that you’re weak, declare that you’re strong! If you can believe that you’re weak, why can’t you believe in the opposite? You need to see a Counselor. I don’t know if you’re a Christian or not, but a Pastor (in my opinion) is best suited to help you to address your situation…or get help from a professional counselor in your area. I pray that you get this help. Suicide is not the answer. You’re more valuable than what you think. People need and love you. As a Christian, I can share with you that Jesus loves you!! He REALLY does! As a Christian, I must love you, too. Trust God to see you through. He will ease your pain. I promise you that He will!!! 🤗♥️🙏


So I’m seeking advice from a stranger considering my friends and family have their own bias opinions. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and I just can’t decide if the good outweighs the bad and if I should end it for good finally. He has a sweet side where he will surprise me with anything that will make me happy such as flowers, getaways etc. But he also has a toxic personality that I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with. He has a lot of divorce in his family and I have none in mine so that alone shows our different values. I am CONSTANTLY catching him in lies from small white lies to big ones. He has cheated on me one time when we first started dating and I took him back since he told me about it and promised to never do it again. Social media is a huge issue in our relationship. I constantly feel the urge to go through his phone since I always find snapchats from random girls and insta likes on half naked pictures which I have expressed numerous times bothers me and he is still doing it!! I just don’t know what to do anymore because thankfully we don’t live together and I’m only 22, but he is 29 and should be a lot more mature than he is. I have tried to break up with him before but he does not let me and will show up to my job or house with flowers and an apology. I just can’t do these ups & downs any longer, but eventually i give in because i miss my best friend. What should I do….


LET YOU?? You’re a grown woman! If you really don’t want him, then tell him to hit the road. What do you mean that he won’t “let you?” We do what we want to…so, if you REALLY wanted to get rid of him, you would. I’m sorry, but you need some “tough love.” You were not meant to be treated any less than what you have allowed. I was with a narcissist before. Believe me, you CANNOT change him. He’ll be so sweet one minute & then return to his true nature. You have a “Jekyll and Hyde” on your hands. You can still forgive him, but you can “pack and forgive” at the same time. I’m just sayin’…


Advice! Im 25, my boyfriend is 27. I’ve been dating my boyfriend going on 3 years now. When we first started dating in 2014, he made himself to be someone he’s not. I asked if he had anything upfront to tell me and to be honest because I don’t want no surprises he said no. I asked if he still talked to his ex, he said no. He was kind, respectful, understanding, kind of too good to be true. Going into 2015 and I find out he’s still in contact with his ex and still on a phone plan with her. Later on in the year he wakes up at 3am middle of the night to go see her because her father passed away. I’m more upset that he lied about where he went, why lie if it’s nothing?? Fast forward to summer 2015 he’s sexting girls. Apologizes and my stupid ass takes him back. Fast forward to 2016 he has this thing with a coworker who ended up quitting because I confronted her. I also let his mom and sister stay with us for 2 weeks and the whole time they were being negative, complaining, and toxic. His mom is 50, single and always brings up her ex husband and still asks my boyfriend with help with her rent and they always argue about finances. His sister is a bitch and a theif. She’s 23 , stole my necklace and lied about it and her energy is so negative and she’s so fake always talking behind my back but smiling in my face. Their whole family is toxic and they use him but he doesn’t see it and I’m tired of trying with this relationship. He has no ambition. I’m a photographer/choreographer/communications assistant and everyday I’m trying to learn and grow and be kind. He is a angry man, mad at the world, woe it’s me I had a bad childhood. Like ok me too, but I have to keep pushing. I feel like I have no more love to give. He always brings up that he’s been doing his best but his best is not good enough. I’m sorry but he has sociopath behaviors and maybe I’m crazy for seeing this and still staying with him. But it’s hard honestly we live together and it’s under my name. Part of me wants to give him a few months to save and move out (because he’s my friend) and the other half wants him to just leave right now. He is a negative, pessimist, boring, mean, controlling man. I just need to know I’m not crazy for wanting to leave him and his family is part of the problem. I can’t see myself marrying him and being around his family they drain me.

Karen Young

So this man has lied to you, cheated on you, been caught sexting girls, is mean to you, tries to control you, and you’re wondering if you should leave or stay? You already have the answer. You just need to be brave enough to listen.


When i read this it like my life written out before me. For the past seven years and even before her I have been in tragic toxic relationship after relationship, always seeking to love and help heal, but only got sorrow, darkness and so much hurt.

Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so very hard. I have someone in my life who cares about healthy talk and love and compassion now, I feel almost alien it’s so different. From suicidal thoughts to drugs and avoidance to knowing it’s ok to be seen as ok if not still imperfect, but loved. My heartfelt and prayerfelt thanks for this article. It was so timely. Warmest thanks.


Great for you!!! There’s ALWAYS someone else out there who will treat you in the way that you deserve. I thank God for sending me someone who is a gentleman…and treats me like a lady! He is a man of God…we are Christians and we are concentrating on getting to know one another before making any serious commitments to each other. We aren’t in a physical relationship because we’re following what God would want us to do. Different strokes for different folks😇


I’ve been dating this guy, who according to many of my friends and people who know him well, say he has a girlfriend already. It seemed really odd to me because he introduced me to his family and friends I’ve confronted him about his girlfriend and he told me they are done now and have been for a while. I backed off a lot after that and he put in a lot of effort to get me back, but now it’s like he barely wants to spend time with me. He’s either “working” or “tired.” But if I show interest in someone else, or someone else shows interest in me, he finds time for me. And it’s usually great and I forget about everything and forgive him. Then it all happens again.


I think you need to talk feelings with him. How you feel and why the next time you are together. Do you trust him? Tell him I feel uncomfortable because your friends tell me things that don’t allow me to trust you. Like you have a girlfriend already. Is there anyway he can show you you can trust him, and have him do it. Don’t play the games where he likes you more when you’re not available etc, that’s just two kids playing in a sandbox and you need to be an adult by not allowing his actions to control yours. If he says sorry for these things and keeps going back to the way he was doing them before, give him maybe another chance or two but not 10. By then you’ll know if he’s there to treat you right or if he’s there keep you on the back burner until he wants you bad enough again. Don’t be on the back burner, you are better than that. You deserve better and if he isn’t showing you better after numerous tries, then he doesn’t have that to give you. Take a look at yourself in this situation and figure out what you can do to better take care of yourself. What did you do wrong in this situation? That is where you can learn and grow with or from it.


Obviously, you’re in a crazy cycle. He’s using you and you’re allowing him. You already know what’s going on. You don’t need a picture to see it. Come out of this place called “denial”…& I don’t mean “the Nile River” either. It hurts, but if you don’t leave him, you’ll only continue to hurt. Let him go…& if/when he comes back to you, just understand that you’re putting yourself at risk for s lifetime of pain. How much longer do you think you can continue HIS game? Time waits on no one…& time is one thing that you’ll NEVER get back! Love yourself more than you love him.


I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, the first 5 months we dated he cheated on me and we broke up then he came back and i forgave him to work on things, then found out i had herpes from him sleeping around.. For the next couple minhs after that he talked to other women behind my back and if we had a problem he would talk to other women. I had braces again that time and he blamed me for not being attractive enough for sex. I would always compensate for his behavior, I would step up to the plate cleaning loving him making sure i was doing everyhing well. We got to a point where eveyhing was good and there would be bad times when i bring something up and he would get mad at me for it that i asked for something. He would never really apologize but he would do somehing cute to make up for it. The we kind of moved in together and bought 2 dogs. Everything was good besides he was still looking at random naked women on instagram all the time. I even got my braces off and a boob job and he still would barely have sex with me. He would never want to do i wanted to do because it was too much to ask for he would always complain. He even said to me because i wore cat lady sweaters he wouldnt have sex with me. I told him that hurt and he was not knowing to do i asked what do you want to do and he was all like maybe i should say sorry… hes 27. I decided to grab all my things walk out he door with no contact. It was be most hardest thing ever. I am still trying to recover because i feel like im being ripped apart and didnt do enough in the relationship and i love him dearly, i still do because i forgive and want to work on it. But i did it and im recovering and now im finally seeing how terrible he was.


Herpes is a serious disease. Honey, you should NEVER have a need to look back. After he gave you that, you should’ve ran like crazy. Any other woman would have physically hurt him. There just ain’t that much love in the world. Take care of yourself. Obviously, he didn’t care or respect you enough to cover up while he was cheating. Then again, since he cheated, then he didn’t respect you in the first place.


Best, most non-judgmental article on this subject I’ve ever seen, and I’ve read lots. Thank you.


I have been with my partner for 6yrs. I was with him at all his lowest and best moments. Every time he said he was changing it wouldn’t last long. I am finally in a position were I am tried of the ups and downs. I wanting to break free, but I am so scared. I know I shouldn’t continue to let this person break me down no matter how much I might love him. This reading really helped and let me know I need to take a stand and hold my ground. I am going to take it one day a a time.


I’ve been seeing this boy for about a year and 7 months now, and we started off great. Relationship was healthy and things were flowing nicely. However, he is an addict and comes from a troubled past.. his life is about completely opposite of mine. We fell in love quickly, I wanted to “fix” him, I wanted to be there for him. We became extremely dependant on each other, I was the only person in his life who truly cared for him, and provided and took care of him.(I was 16 at the time, he was 18) The first 3 months went by fairly quickly, no problems, no arguments. Over the span of another 2 or 3 months things started changing drastically. He became controlling, manipulative, always had to have my full attention. He demanded all my passwords to social media, told me I couldn’t speak to any other male, removed all males off all of my social media, contact list, etc… He was turning into someone I dreaded for the longest time. He was becoming verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive. He became toxic. Everyone around me told me they could look at me and tell I was drained and miserable. But I stayed because I loved him. I pushed through it with the false hope that “things can get better” we broke up numerous times.. but always came back to each other. He claims every issue in our relationship is because of me, something I did, something I said. Always me. Never him. I know he will not be in my future. But I feel as if I can’t get away from him right now.. I don’t know what to do. He controls me and belittles me. He ruins me as a person, but seeing him with someone else would make me sick. It’s a horrible reasoning to continuously stick around and hurt myself, but it’s one of them. What do I do?


I know its hard I am in the same boat. However I am learning you have to take it one step at a time. You have to love you first and realize you deserve more. Its not you, its them. Stay strong and its ok to cry.


I am going through pretty much the same thing. The person I was engaged to basically had a completely different life than me, he did come from drugs, and fighting a lot, the bar scene, but later straitened his life out and worked in the law enforcement field, but his past contained a lot of skeletons that was also a part of the relationship being difficult and hard for me to except, but when we met it was INSTANT chemistry. I am not sure what it was that directed me at him, but it was like a volt… hard to explain, immense physical attraction, the way he “protected” me, and the way he acted as if he cared… We got engaged after a year of dating, I came from a prior relationship where I was pretty much ignored, which ended in divorce. Being ignored, was much better than what I was now facing. He was the biggest narcissist and used me for my money basically and my genuine heart. Things started getting “real” after about a year and a half dating. He began to cuss me when we would argue, I picked up the trait from him and began to also do the same thing. He was my first relationship where a man has looked me dead in the face and said, “F you”… I have never had that before. I now have taken on the trait and say it to him periodically. I have always been a strong person, but not now. He has such a strong emotional hold on me it has been very difficult for me to let go. I think of the good times, and I miss them. However, like a few people have said. I was the blame for everything, he is such a great manipulator too, and his big thing was “I’ll never lie to you” but I caught him lying to me on several occasions, and also staring at other women RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. When I would call him on it, he would swear he wasn’t even after I just witnessed it, one time he even took a “double take” to stare at some young chick in shorts… Like I physically saw it.. so disrespectful but the minute I speak up, I am crazy, delusional or “see what I wanna see” – yeah, like I wanna see My MAN staring at other women, like I am already not enough.. He too would gawk over my Facebook/Instagram and If I added a friend or anyone he would question it, completely innocent but I always had to explain myself. EXHAUSTING.. currently, I broke up with him right before Christmas, about to move out of my home which he refuses to leave because he says he has no where to go, its like he is a leach on me. I love him dearly and wanted to be that person for him, to “fix” him and give him a life I felt he deserved, but I am just not able and I have to face my fears and stand up for myself because even my family sees it and they do not like him. He at first did everything right, but it went down hill pretty quick. My heart is so broken at the point of him moving on with his life without me but still to this day, I am blamed for everything. He just doesn’t get it. I could go on and on about more, but just wanted to respond and tell you, you’re not alone. My heart is broken and I feel like my life has no purpose and I feel leaving him is so difficult but I feel like its something I have to do. He was never physically abusive, but he definitely took my spirit from me, and drained me mentally and emotionally. I do not even laugh like I use to, it has been one of the worse, sometimes best relationships of my life, but I wish 6 months would just fly by so I could hopefully forget about him and his way. Being selfish is not love. Remember that, remember your worth and coming from someone who is fighting the same fight you are, you must remain strong. I completely understand how hard it is, and others do not understand how difficult it is. But you have ONE life.. Live it… Be strong. 🙁 Good luck to each of you. I will be moving in two weeks and once that happens, being completely away from him, is when the battle will really begin.. head up, and fight.


First of all, you’re too young to be going through this. You really need to examine your worth. I’m an older woman (47 years old) and I can tell you from experience that no person is worth your respect. You haven’t experienced a lot of life at all…& I can promise you that you will have to look at your situation in a new perspective. You’ve allowed yourself to be a hostage in this. I got rid of a person that was a narcissistic, control freak. We were in and out of each others’ lives for a while. I finally got rid of him PERMANENTLY! You must realize your value…& never let anyone try to define you. Get out of this & concentrate on your future. You’re too young to be getting into such a serious and toxic relationship. Concentrate on your school. Men will come later…a man that will truly value you; however, before someone else can see & appreciate your value, you have to see it. Best wishes. Run and don’t look back. Look forward to a future that you deserve!


I have been trying to leave my “friends with benefits” for a while because he has been very abusive and I have caught too many emotions for him. But I always go back to him. I really don’t want to like him anymore because all he doesn’t is belittle me. What steps can I take to help me overcome this and get out of the toxic relationship?

Karen Young

There is no easy way to do this. Strength, courage and self-respect. You have enough of all of these in you to get out of the relationship when you decide that you deserve better than you are getting.


Walk away before it gets to deep and he becomes more physical. I know there is someone better out there for you.


Advice please! I met my best friend around 2 years ago, and we instantly “clicked” and became best friends. We were practically inseparable and weren’t afraid to share our darkest secrets. But she became more and more controlling, rude and mean to me. She would constantly criticize my figure and clothing choices, and even when I explicitly said that I didn’t like it, she didn’t stop. My breasts are rather large thanks to my mother’s genes, and she always uses offensive breast-related nicknames to refer to me, but when I confront her about it, she apologizes but doesn’t do anything to change.(And even then I felt really uncomfortable telling her about it). Whenever she sees me, she just slaps me hard in the back or even throws her pencil case at me to grab my attention. She practically demands my attention and company all the time, and I just can’t refuse her. However I need more personal space than the average person, and although I told her that I needed space, she still kept intruding into every single aspect of my life. The thing is, she is very supportive sometimes, so I really don’t know what to do…


sucks to be you. my ex used to do this to, she literally hurled vulgarities at me all the time even though i said it was rude. punching me in the stomach, taking my phone(there was once she chokehold me to get my phone in public no matter how i said i did not want her to take my phone) and reading my chats and saying she wouldnt answer them but she did anyway. it got to the extent i was deleting and renewing my chats every few hours. then she broke up with me. finding for fights all the time saying that i was the one who started it. it sucked. she was supportive at times too. which made me appreciate her supportive moments alot. but that ended when i asked for a time off (she ended it after i asked for a time off). this is kinda toxic. i believe what we need is respect from our partner.. and that my dear friend, i believe you have the right to too.


The behavior sounds really abusive. Set boundaries and gradually take yourself out of these situations. Picture it as putting your arm out to protect yourself with the mental attacks and the more she abuses you, the further out your arm will go. Eventually if she doesn’t hear that it hurts you, you’ll have not choice but to step away completely. But do not put up with that crap or else she will not stop and you will just continue to get hurt.


I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years .we live together . When I met him he was sweet kind living etc He had a drinking problem. Slowly but surely his drinking has diminished . He lost his mother 11 months ago and our relationship has gone down hill from there . He’s always angry , in a bad mood , doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything . He takes it out on me and blames me for everything and anything . He starts fights with me and blames me for it . We’ve become verbally abusive to each other . I feel like I’ve always been there for him but he feels I haven’t . He feels since his mother passes I’ve treated him bad because of all the arguing . However I feel like it’s been hard on me too financially and emotionally . He’s getting a lump some amount of money as inheritance and I feel he could help US out with bills etc or do something nice for me but instead he wants to cut out “unnecessary ” bills like internet and cable because he doesn’t want to pay those . (even though he’s going to be pretty wealthy ) it really bothers me . It’s not about the money but more about the fact that I feel so unappreciated. Advice please !!!!

Linda N

RUN! Pure SOCIOPATH! My relationship is ending after twelve years of wasting my life on someone who does not have the capacity to care or love anyone including themselves. I did not see the MASK SLIP until I was severely injured when he harassed me into doing something I knew I was physically not able to do. Could not be COOLDER! Starved my pets to near death. Had to spend rent to pay someone to take them. And still complaining how I made his life hard, and of course NOTHING IS HIS FAULT! I have no reason to be ANGRY, it was my decision to do what he wanted because I was exhausted and tired of being harrased. That’s my problem as ALWAYS! I am OUT! He still doesn’t get it. Just keeps complaning WHAT ABOUT ME! While your abuser is being very STINGY & SECRETIVE so as not to share a penny, LEAVE WITHOUT A FOWARDING ADDRESS! He won’t know your gone til he is BROKE! Good Luck! REMEMBER: you are a very Loving and Caring person with alot to offer! Thats why we were choosen!


Advice please. I met a girl. We turned into great friends. We talked everyday. We definetly had high chemistry. We became highly attracted to eachother but we wernt in any rush to be together. Neither of us wanted a commitment. We were fine with being friends who happened to have a crush on eachother. She started treating me like I was hers. Even tho we wernt official. We showed a huge amount of affection to eachother we might as well have been dating. She’d always get mad over other girls. I loved how much interest she showed in me. And we were so good of friends. It seemed too good to be true. We only ever had 1 serious argument. She suddenly wanted to be “regular friends”. She gave no effort to working things out. I tried to mend what we had but she seems to have no interest. We are to the point where everything is awkward. She acts like she has no feelings for me. She says she my friend but she feels like a stranger. I still have a huge crush on her but she wants no parts. Now I’m left looking crazy about someone who doesn’t want me. She used to be obsessed with me. All over me. She acted in love. Now I feel like I don’t even know her. Iv tried to convince her into giving us a second chance to rebuild what we had. But she seems turned off. She gave me no explanation. The confusion kills me. When I try n talk to her I feel I’m doing more harm than good. I still have the biggest crush on her. What should I do?


Man I hear you.. I was as totally in the same boat. introduced her to my whole family and then she started to go distant and blame me for her feelings, i’d go all out for her Birthday and special occasions and then i would get nothing, but still somehow it was my fault she wouldn’t do things for me. what I needed to do was set boundries, Pull back and focus on myself gym and personal goals, do stuff that makes you happy. It does suck the first week/ month etc but over time it does get better make no contact, get rid of pictures texts and focus on the now and “me”. if she wants to be a part of your life she will come back. Try and be strong. your life your terms, if she wants to be a part of that then she needs to up her game. Let the crush go dont be needy. she would of fallen in love with you because you were a challenge, you need to be the man again not worry or care. it sux to say but i needed to stop being a neddy wuss and look for her love and affection. be stong and know there are other people out there like you.


That’s not the best advice. You can be as needy as you want, but this girl is playing games with you. Let her go and you go do you. She sounds abusive in that she is being narcissistic and keeping you close without allowing you in. That’s the abusive game of narcissism. Keep her away and take care of yourself. Sure she was fun once but now a he’s toxic and is draining the life out of you. No one needs that.


Friendships can be the most wonderful relationships – we have more freedom to be who we are without expectations. Intimate relationships come with many expectations, this is because they are similar to our early family relationships, especially with our primary caregivers.

They too had many expectations of us. The hurt from these expectations is laid down in the first five years of life. When your girlfriend started treating you like you were hers, this is because of her unconscious desire to resolve the hurt from her early experiences in life. Her tendencies towards getting mad over other girls is a reaction from the hurt as well – somehow in some way all of these actions you mention are a reflection of her own self-hatred. Self hatred is the root of all damaging actions, in all relationships.

Let me explain: When we are not allowed to have our thoughts and feelings from the time we’re born until about the age of 5, the hurt from this lack of freedom becomes repressed and gets stuck and we act out (re-enacting is an attempt to resolve the hurt). Her inabilities to work things out with you in the end, has very little to do with you and very much to do with her original hurt from childhood and the fact that she split off from this hurt in order to survive.

I will explain what I mean by self hatred because I believe it’s misunderstood. I will speak in terms of my own self hatred, this might make it easier to hear, rather than referring to your ex-girlfriend.

We all come into this world with our needs, feelings, thoughts. All actions come from these 3 survival mechanisms. When I am denied the expression of my survival mechanisms, it causes me to experience hurt. If I am not allowed to express this hurt in the form of releasing (crying, having a fit, etc.) the energy from the hurt gets stuck in my system. My 3 survival mechanisms get covered up with pain, so much so, that I begin to loose touch with my 3 vital sources of survival.

I need to survive, so I split off from myself and take on the pseudo survival mechanisms of my parents. This defensive pain-driven place is in opposition to my original survival mechanisms, you know, the ones that got left behind; the ones I split off from. My parents taught me to not trust myself, to hate this part of me; to trust them instead. So I go through my life trusting their ways of surviving. This place is a defensive place for me because it’s not mine, it’s something I’ve taken on out of fear of not surviving. Also, I’m defensive because this is how my parents gave it to me – in a defensive way. Any time someone tells me that my truth is incorrect, they are in some way or another, defensive. In other words, they are saying that how I feel and think is not right and their way is. This is called being defensive (defending that their way is right).

Because surviving is the ultimate requirement for humans, this defensive zone of survival can be quite difficult to let go. We all need a secure place where we can let our defenses down, re-experience the hurt from childhood and regain access to our safe zone. This is the zone where we are acting from our 3 inherent survival mechanisms. When we act from this place, we create a feeling of security for ourselves and everyone in relationship with us. When the time comes and we feel threatened and must protect ourselves or our love ones, we will do so from the solid foundation of our true needs, thoughts and feelings. Choices made from this place are in the best interest for everyone involved.

One last comment regarding your situation: Often times when people give up on relationships like your ex-girl friend did with you, they have experienced some form of rejection or abandonment from their caregivers. The same process I’ve described above, is the same process we’re all going through to varying degrees. I recommend that you deal with what parts are yours. A book that may help describe better what I’m attempting to describe, is: Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix Ph.D – Also, there are trained therapist who can help couples.
Good luck to you.


Leave a Reply

We’d love to hear what you’re thinking ...

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Hey Warrior - A book about anxiety in children.

Hey Sigmund on Instagram