We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
At the end of the day, all toxic people are emotionally detached. They build a sense of entitlement based on detailed expectations formed without consultation so they can be thankless if they are met, or angry and resentful if they are not. They build their own Catch-22 scenarios and blame others for their constant frustrations and victim mentality.
I choose life… a whole, open, honest imperfect but good enough life. A life where I’m prepared to be a safety net but not a hammock. A life which I choose to explore despite the certainty of setbacks. A life of responsibility and productivity. A life where I’m in the arena and I’ve experienced every bit of it and enjoyed most of it. A good enough life for anyone.
Deselect the people with a toxic sense of entitlement early and come join me!
Im trans ftm and I recently came out to my mother and she completely ignored it, acted like nothing happened, and when asked by my sister if she would call me by my name my mom said ‘Im going to call her by her name, K.’ Along with that shes ignored me or said Im making it all about me. Before this Ive explained to her my struggle and how I attempted one time and she just asked the method I used, and then said that it wouldnt do anything. I feel really horrible for so many reasons because she doesnt have a lot of money for a good lawyer, she has still cared for my physically, she is my mother, and other reasons. I know I would suffer if I continued to live with her but I just care too much about people and I feel bad. I dont know if anyone will respond but I hope someone can give me some motivation or insight.
I have a friend. We’re not dating, though she claims to love me(but not date) and I used, again, used to like her. However, she rarely texts back. I have to send a handful of texts a day just to get a couple responses. We’re both in a group chat that she made, and she never responds to me. I’m the only one active usually too, but then she almost always responds to others the rare times they actually day something. At the same time, she claims she’s scared of vulnerability, to defend these actions: she never shares anything about her life, tries to not reveal much about herself, never ever vents or always denies being upset. She constantly teases me for ‘overthinking’ and now it’s making me think that perhaps I’m overthinking all this about her? Because while she’s vague af, she has also listened to me whenever I need to vent, and even offered to open her house to me if I ever need a place to go(my family is another confirmed can of toxicness). But then doesn’t that also sound suspicious? She never reveals anything abbot herself, to the point of turning of read receipts and not letting phones show her ‘typing…’ As well as making sure she is set to incognito in the group chat so you can never see if she’s on, but then she’d apparently be okay with me living with her in her house? Help
I am work and wanted to show so loud because this article was on point. This describes my on an off again ex boyfriend. We just ended for the thousandth time 2weeks ago. What got me this time was this is my 2nd being enrolled in school. The first was beauty school and I had withdrawed before I flunked out because he was a major discraction. He would drink and argue with me assuming cause my attention was else where but I didn’t mind withdrawing b/c I realized beauty school was not my calling. Speeding up to 6yrs (2020) I am now enrolled again in school for photography and at first I chose a 4year plan then he was like ” won’t that be to long for your age” (39) even though I switched to a 2yr plan for me he didn’t have to say that, just support me and I would want to go out and take pictures and he would try to semi nicely distract me. I am just glad we are over with. I have learn a lot. Even after the loss of my late sister and his now late brother he still treated me like shit but now I am at peace and happy as ever without him. He text a few days ago and I sent a long message saying how happy I was without him, he asked “do you not want me to contact you anymore”? lol…keep in mind our last argument he told me ” I don’t care if I ever don’t talk to you again” what so sad is him and his brother was not speaking at the time he was killed…that says a lot to me and now he regrets it.
Hey guys,I am in a dilemma and I need advice…I recently told my boyfriend that I think he’s toxic and he’s ghosted me ever since,I am so confused that maybe my judgement was wrong ,but my instincts tell me different.I am afraid I might be wrong because his toxic traits aren’t really all over the place,and he loves me so much and would never cheat on me.He keeps on bringing up past issues in arguments whenever he feels like he’s on the wrong just so that he can leaverage the argument,whenever he’s mad at me and I ask,he won’t tell me ,he’ll just drop hints till I ask him again and again,I always feel like I am walking on eggshells with him,he thinks I am so beautiful,and that makes him overly jealous and I don’t think that’s normal,he always thinks I am cheating on him,he thinks I am not over my ex and his moods really switch quickly and he gets all moody for nothing,he says I don’t put him as a priority ie when I decide to go out with my friends and not go for a sleepover at his place,And he’s always trying to prove he’s smarter than me…Il
This article got me so bad! This is exactly what i am experiencing right now. I am currently in a relationship for 4 years now with my boyfriend. During our 1st-2nd year, i can say that our relationship is good and smooth maybe because we are still starting. But then when we were on our 3rd year, everything has changed. He started to show his true colors. In an argument, he would always say words which are disrespectful to me ex., you’re an idiot, you’re stupid, you’re a flirt! He would also swear a lot to me and say fck u! He would also suspect me that i am with another guy and would always think that i’m cheating on him. When we are on video call and i am with my male workmate, he would always ask me to show him to my workmate and he’d get mad if i didn’t. He wanted me to always show him to everyone for them to be aware that i’m already taken. He’s manipulating and controlling me at the same time. I can’t go out wihout his permission. Even just going out to buy my needs, i still need to get permission from him. I feel like he’s choking me. I can’t breathe. But he would always feel guilty after our argument and he will still say sorry. But then, i am emotionally damaged now. Sometimes i don’t feel any pain anymore. It’s paralyzing. I still love him but it’s really draining. Sooner or later i feel like i will get totally tired of this and maybe ill get out of this situation too. ????
I am 24 and one year into a relationship with a woman who’s ten years older than me and I honestly find that she does most of these things pretty regularly. IT ACTUALLY CAN BE DONE KNOWINGLY… WHICH IS A SICK NESS IN ITSELF I THINK.
She makes me feel small, constantly snaps at me for little things I do differently from her not even necessarily wrong but mistakes are even worse to handle….
Sometimes I’m scared to ask what’s wrong….. I’m pretty much never entirely comfortable anymore with her because of all the times she’s warped the past and refused to consider how it made me feel or did it specifically to make me feel shit I just know !!!
I wish I had a voice. I wish she knew how much I love her and how hard difficult it can be to keep looking past it and looking past it. When it really damn well hurts me and I want to cry but I have no idea how anymore
Id love an opinion on this situation please as it seems to be the only place I can turn really. I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. We met online and it was a blind date. I have always gone for personality so looks was not the be all and end all. We started out being so in love- but it was all a game I see that clearly now. I was very independent, career woman own house own car and always was sensible in my life choices with the exception of Relationships- it has been one disaster after another abuse, violence, alcoholism, cheating I could go on forever. So this guy was all I ever needed. Kind, generous, great heart, successful business, flowers and little gifts every week- so I though yes finally ill walk up the isle with this fantastic man. At the beginning i was at his place most nights (we both wanted this) and i started to have issues in the house i was renting (as i had to move for a job opportunity ) he asked me loads of times to move in – I did and now I see it was far to soon and I completely regret it. He convinced me to leave the job and made it look like he was being supportive and i was way too good for the place and id find another one really soon so i took the first summer off in my whole career and literally spent all my savings on supplies etc for his home as i felt i should and still do. It was that summer I saw a change, the very first time was I text him to see was he okay as it was late, he works with machinery and livestock so i was concerned something had happened to him. When he cam through the door I saw a new person I did not recognise, he screamed at me and said what are you texting me for when I am so busy. I was gobsmacked as I’d never seen this side before. I fell silent and couldn’t believe it. So I let it go and figured he had a day from hell. Nothing happened for a while next, i was helping him with his work and i did something wrong and he exploded with me when I was only trying to help- he goes from 0-explosion in 2.5 seconds normally this time I burst into tears. He has slammed doors in my face in front of the staff, He has made a fool of me in front of his friend. He always has a Drama when I’d like to do something or go somewhere. He expects me to stand by his side in his family gatherings ye he wont go to any of mine. He asked me for some help another evening this is where the temper was extreme. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do as he didn’t explain it. But it didn’t work and he went nuts with me it was all my fault, but I saw a side that scared me this time again silence in the house for about a week. This all started to get worse and worse. Another bad experience happened me where i got let go from my job and this was first time it ever happened me. He was incredible and was so supportive caring, yet again I was so happy to have him. He even gave me a job in his company again I forgot all the bad stuff. But now we are in the middle of a Pandemic I cant go back to my own house as I have no job as he employs me, my independence has completely been diminished. The arguments are becoming so bad he throws my past in my face makes me feel about 10cm tall everytime he loses it. He is so insulting and i feel so low and think of his words for days. Less than a day later he has forgotten how nasty he has been and cuddles up looking sex (as we had agreed to try have a baby as we have both getting older and want a child) When I refuse he gets angry with me again. He never apologises and he flies off the handle when I do something nice for him, he flies off the handle when he doesn’t get his own way (only child syndrome) when things are going wrong outside etc etc it can happen any time any place completely unexpectedly. I was sitting in the car one evening and we were having a nice few hrs out of the house (pre Pandemic) and out of no where will you ever shut the f**k up you never shut up . I wanted to curl up and die He had trauma a few year before Im sure he is still grieving (his Fiance was tragically taken) I came on the scene and his last relationship didn’t work out either. He works 7 days a week there is no time for me nor am I any sort of a priority. I do all the cooking cleaning shopping (which i struggle to afford) He has no house skills and leaves a mess no matter where he is in the house. I feel trapped, Useless unmotivated, and most days exceptionally unhappy. I cannot go through another terrible breakup as i just don’t have it in me to start again from scratch. My dreams of a child and a happy marriage is yet again crushed. In my head i keep saying he will change and it’ll get better but its getting more personal with ever row – last one was my ex had the measure of me and was right to cheat. Before that it was he was right to hit you- you drove him to it. No wonder you got sacked your so stupid. You absolutely F**k up every thing you do. And that is outside of what happens during work hours. I don’t leave the house much and when i do he doesn’t like it i can tell. Every week i think of how i can take my own life as this would be better than starting all over again- I’ve been picking myself up since i was 16 and I dont have the strength this time. I’d appreciate some advise if you could spare some time. The language is not ment to offend apologies if it does.
First thanks to the Author to write this novel, cause it’s related to me .Now i know that why my friend has many people when she was in trouble. I used to help her with many things and when it was my turn she didn’t even try to help me out. In short the one I trusted was never capable to this relationship.Well,now I have many things to say but I can’t express it for now. But nowadays i have learnt that people will only use you for something and when you need help they will give some kind of fake reason’s.For these type of toxic people we should only stay away from them .
This sounds a lot like my fiancée. When we talk she gets easily offended by something that wasn’t even offensive and then it becomes an argument. We live together with her mom and grandma and then she tells her mom “her version” of the story and she leaves out almost everything she said and twist the story and then I end up being the bad guy. Then the only way to solve the issue is by her asking to buy her food and she literally tells me what to apologize for and exactly what words to say. She even made me post something just to please her. Her mom is always on her side because it’s her daughter, and the grandma just tries to calm the situation by saying just tell her what she wants so this can all be done. In the end I’m always the bad guy and she’s Ms. Perfect. I hate it and am sick of it. Any ideas on what to do?
I am in a toxic relationship with my boyfriend and it has been a year now. I love him and I am not able to let him go. I have no friends and he is the only person that I talk to . I don’t know what to do but I swear my life is hell right now. Help
When your boyfriend start telling you the way I play with u is too much often,for example I was asking in front of someone and I said :oba answér now playfully and next thing he said was my playing is too much I need to reduce the way I play with you,why will you address me like that. What should I do. Should I reduce the playing with him
My boyfriend never says I love you. He constantly crucifies me and insults me, then says he’s not, and that it’s my fault. Sex is all about him now. He never cares about where I am in it. He never texts or calls any more. We’ve live together for 3 years now. He moved in without my permission and said his mother kicked him out. I don’t think I’m the toxic one. I have constant anxiety because of his behavior turning things around to make me the villain. He never ever says, ‘I love you,’ but ‘love ya’.
No that is mean toxic friendship
Am I toxic? my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We both do our own things and have “me” time.
I always tell my boyfriend that he is better of with someone else. I do know I have insecurities and my demons, so that is part of the problem as well. but I just see how he is so much chatty and happier around other people than with me. I tell him that because I want him to be happy, and not to be with a complicated person like me, who will just drown him with my miseries and insecurities. Like I know its exhausting to be around someone that tells you that every now and then. Some how almost always something triggers those thoughts that he will be better off with someone else. And i tell me too, that it’s gonna be exhausting for him to stay with me, so its better if we break up. But doesn’t want to. The truth is I dont either, but I dont want him to suffer with me. I do my best to be the best person for him, but for me its never enough. It hurts me to see me like this, because i know he suffers too and can’t console me as much as he would love to, as we are in a long distance relationship.
You’re playing games. If you truly believe he would be happier without you and that’s what you want for him then break up. Give him his happiness. If neither of you wants to break up then consider the fact that maybe you do make him happy. Tell him about your insecurities and how you sometimes don’t feel good enough and work through it together, but don’t project your insecurities on him and constantly tell him how much happier he seems with others or without you. He likes you and he’s probably proud your his girl but you’re basically telling him that his girlfriend (you) is garbage. Nobody wants to hear that. Love yourself and let him love you. Btw I’ve been married 20 years now and our marriage made it through a year of long distance at the very beginning so I’m not just blowing smoke. I’m speaking from experience.
Thank you. I needed this straight up. I’m projecting. Not confident.
Very hard words to swallow. If he wants more, he should find a more available girlfriend. You both agreed to a long distance relationship. If anything this is a learning experience. You both love yourselves enough to allow yourselves to learn from your long distance relationship. If you have been intimate as a couple, you both will experience emotional ties to each other in some way or form. Often it is better to take the good with the bad and move on because you can. There are many fish in the sea. We tend to hook up with the wrong people sometimes because somebody comes along at a difficult time in our lives and says and does the right things. This usually amounts to feelings of gratitude that are twisted with admiration. Suddenly we begin to call these feelings love, but love is sacrifice, and denial of our own desires to please another. True love takes hard work. It can surpass long distance relationships and anything else, but often we are not willing to love to the extent of sacrifice. We want and feel deserving of an easier route. Especially when we are younger, we expect only the best for ourselves, however, real love often accepts another’s shortcomings and is unconditional no matter how difficult the challenge in the relationship may be. If you’re lucky you will meet somebody with very little baggage, but in actuality, we all have some level of baggage. Best wishes to you!
Absolutely brilliant advice 🙂
Dump the guy and get professional help to love yourself first before getting on a relationship. If you can’t stand being around you and Happy with yourself and enjoy your own company you will NEVER be happy in any relationship long distance or not.
Look up what co-dependency is. I always thought it meant I was dependent on another. That’s not what it means. Listen to the podcast Co-Dependency No More by Brian Pisor. Believe me it will change the way you think. Go to the very beginning of the podcast, listen to two episodes a day. The thoughts you have about yourself are textbook Co-Dependency. And honey you’ve got to know that if you keep telling him these things, when YOU are the one he chose, he’s gonna bolt. Think about it, if he was continually telling you (you picked me and thats the wrong choice) he might just believe it. If you are Co-Dependent, it’s not your fault. It’s connected to how you e been treated in the past. A lot of times it’s passed through the generations from dysfunctional families.
If you are feeling like this you shouldn’t be with him because you are good enough you are worth your happiness. And if you are questioning who u are or are trying to change your for someone else that he just ain’t the one for you never change who u are remover you are beautiful loved and a special person.
If he doesn’t realize he should let you go, then he’s trying to be your savior or he’s a glutton for punishment. Either way he’s got his head in the sand. Sometimes people don’t listen to our truth, but their version of our truth.
Anna, it’s hard to see all the love you have for him, it’s not good for you. The first person that matters in your life is you. If you don’t come first, you will never truly be happy. Authentic-self is so important in finding happiness in life. I can not tell you what to do. Just that I understand how you feel. You are so giving, you are giving away you. Don’t. You are an amazing person. You have to come first no matter the cost. It’s that important. I hope the best for you. Jane
Are toxic people are good and kind to those being kind and good to them? This is because I feel that my best friend being sweet, caring and attentive to her other besties and friends. Even she is busy, she will text her best friends. Contradiction to mine, sometimes when I ask her questions, she will brush it off or ignore it. She sometimes just give me simple answer or just playing safe. I care about her so much but I don’t know her true feeling even though she always said that I am her best friend.
Bullshit….. you know better …. listen to your inner voice … tell your self this very same question you posted…. read it put loud listen to the story word by word, then , give u an advice and answer that question based on the information you are being told…. maybe ask your self if she cares about you just like you care about her? And also ask your self if you care about you the way you care about her? Does she care about you the way she cares about her self?
Well….. there you go…. if she was truly a friend 100% you would not feel this way or asking the question to beging with …. no one its more susectible to a lie , than the person that wants to believe it.
I’m having trouble understanding what you are saying. Here is the definition of a toxic person-
A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. … You always have to defend yourself to this person. You never feel fully comfortable around them. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence. So many questions about yours, if you are her best friend, why do you call her other friends her besties? What if at the moment you text she’s just really busy? Are you jealous of her other friends? Does she get jealous of your other friends? Is she making you feel bad about yourself or do you just feel bad that she’s talking to other people? Is it a she or a he? How do you know what she is saying to other people? Maybe she gives you simple answers because she know you best. Look at all sides. Look at the “toxic” definition and see if there are ways to make a pro/con list. Go from there.
RUN AWAY FROM TOXIC PEOPLE ASAP
IT IS LIFE THREATENING I HAVE TERMINAL CANCER BECAUSE I STAYED
“IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY” IS WHAT GEORGE WASHINGTON, OUR GREATEST PRESIDENT SAID
I agree…
RUN AS FAR AND AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!!!
I went out of town, away from my boyfriend, for work during the height of pandemic for almost 2 months. He had a work from home job, I had a field job. He’ll fight with me on the phone every night, leaving me with almost no rest from my tiring work. He won in a film competition one day and told me how he missed me, and wished I was there to celebrate with him. Apparently though, while he was saying this, he was celebrating with another naked woman on his bed.
I found out 2 years later while I was watching their online celebration, on the video he accidentally switched to his front phone camera. He never apologized. We’re still together now. And every now and then i still feel very stupid.
I dont know after reading this article I feel like I’m toxic even the people i love is toxic both friends and family. I find myself relating to some of the signs, like that me. Also find myself relating it to others, like that him or her. I guess its a good thing that I got the chance to identify such habits that had to be change, before I hurt someone. Towards being a better person I suppose.
Thankyou for this article.
I feel that for you to be able to put into perspective all sides of the situation from every angle that makes YOU considerate and not toxic. I think most people have certain situations where they might be toxic at times. Here is the definition of being toxic.
A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. … You always have to defend yourself to this person. You never feel fully comfortable around them. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
First great work of the author that wrote this artictle, it helped me understand some things better. i mean i just found out that my best friend can actually be toxic. She seems to do like 9/12 of the points above but i m not sure if she is and how can i deal with her being toxic without losing completely this person, hell i dont even know if i am toxic. Cause sometimes toxic people can turn it against you and make you feel you are the toxic one, it is pretty complicated if you thing about it. Feel free for suggestions and opinions.
Is my wife of 39 years toxic she’s says I can’t live without her , if we argue she allowed states everything is always my fault even back to when I was very ill with kidney failure earlier in my marriage, she is a brilliant mother and granny but when we are on our own she doesn’t listen when I would like to speak to her she doesn’t tell me any of her plans if we have to go out for appointments or something she will tell me five minutes before she goes no communication, I try to discuss something get a word in phone rings end of our conversation it’s far easier to go out and ring her to talk to her , she never says sorry I was wrong and start arguing for the silliest things the other morning it was I don’t wring a kitchen cloth out tight enough lol . But with everyone else she is perfect any thoughts please
Can I please get an outsider’s opinion? I’ve known my fiance for 2yrd and we’ve been engaged almost 1. Ever since we started dated we’ve had fights about nudity in movies/shows. I know I’m not the only girl who feels this way but he has in the past called me crazy for asking him not to watch that stuff and even offering him a website that easily filters it out so he can still enjoy his movies. I dont believe every relationship should be that way, and if both partners are fine with seeing other people naked on screen more power to them but that isnt how I feel my relationship should be. He always would try to make it about “you’re projecting your insecurities on my life” but I dont believe at all that I’m insecure about it. It’s a relationship boundary that I always hoped he’d respect…. he always brings up how his past rela8never had a problem with him watching that stuff too and it bugs me because j feel like he expects me to be like them just so he can watch a movie…. my ground point is that he feels that it’s me projecting my insecurities and mostly trying to use what he watches as a way to control him and manipulate him. I’ve tried countless times talking to him about boundaries and sanctity/exclusivity is so important in a relationship to me but he doesnt believe that’s what its about…please help it’s the biggest problem in our relationship and will most likely end it if it’s not fixed
Tessa, it sounds like this is a fundamental disagreement that marriage is not going to fix. If he doesn’t respect your views about nudity and exclusivity in a relationship, I imagine there are other things of equal importance (and even everyday decisions) that he won’t respect either – meaning that you’ll have to be the one to make all the changes, not him. Imo this more than a matter of personal preference like food or paint colors, but a world-outlook issue that affects both of you. I’m not a relationship expert and of course we only know what you’ve told us about him, but this is a situation I myself would not tolerate – not because of the nudity issue itself but his effective gaslighting of your feelings on such an important topic.
Terry is 100% right about your situation. This is one of those hard subjects that will not get better with time and marriage. Clearly neither of you is willing to back down (nor should you) so it’s time to break it off. It’s like if you wanted kids and he didn’t. He’s not going to magically change his mind or respect your ideals. Find someone who shares your views on partnership. Naturally this is easier said than done but from an outside perspective, it wont work in the long run.
I would also like to add I don’t agree with your views at all and I would react the same way if I were him. If only to illustrate that none of us are perfect.
I agree
run and run fast. probably someone who needs constant comforting, someone with a victim mentality. run away. dont look back
Were you clear about how you felt about nudity from the beginning? If you were and he doesn’t respect your values it won’t work. If you didn’t tell him how and why, he won’t get it because he most definitely can’t read your mind. What is wrong with nudity in movies? Is he talking to you about it while he is being intimate with you? Unless it goes against your plainly stated moral code, pick a movie with male nudity and see if that bothers him. Neither one of you are mind reader or fortune tellers so if you aren’t outright telling him this is a bother how do you expect him to know?
I can totally relate to the signs above ,we have been married for almost 3 years now, and there have been several instances where he just starts to give me a cold shoulder and I start to find ways to make it better but, in the end I never understand what went wrong? Sometimes he just blames it on his job that he had a bad day( I have requested him plenty of times to try for new jobs if, this one is affecting him so much but, he never tries). We are not financially stable,we are away from our families. When I try to talk to him about this he enters into arguments and is never willing to listen and understand what I have to say and always tries to get his way.
We both are working but since, the day I got married I have sacrificed everything,I save up money and give up on my wishes while he goes off spending on drinks and things, I find myself crying in corners of our apartment just thinking of a way out of all this, I miss my life before marriage but,I cant do anything about it I can’t hurt my side of the family by being a burden on them after divorce.
Now he even wants to have children and when I treid to explain him that we need time, that we are not financially settled and that I am not ready, he made a whole fuss about it he kicked away furniture in rage. Previously he punched our television,threw away food that I had cooked and this always happens. I dont understand what to do I feel trapped in my life.
I have experienced events such as you describe in my marriage and without hesitation I’d advise you to get out of this relationship while you can. Your husband’s behaviour towards you is controlling and it will just continue. Having children will not fix him and then exposes them to his behaviour. After the initial feelings of disbelief and dismay at my husband’s unreasonable, controlling, aggressive behaviour, as time went on, I began to tolerate it but at a great cost to my happiness and mental health, and to that of my children. He will never change. My advice to you is to take control of your life and leave so that you are free from the abusive attitude and behaviour and disrespect that your husband is showing you. That behaviour will isolate you and grind you down to the point where you may feel unable to make a change as you grow older. I hope you can reach out and confide in a friend, family or women’s refuge who will offer you support to help you. Do it while you have youth and strength on your side.
You ARE trapped until you send him packing. If you don’t stand up for yourself and give him an ultimatum, expect to continue living in a hell you chose when you deliberately overlooked the warning signs he exhibited before you married him. But now that you’re miserable and don’t see how God can change your situation, your only option is divorce if you want to maintain your sanity. You need to dump the creep and work your butt off to live on your own and feed yourself. NEVER EVER trust or rely on a man to take care of you or stick to a goal you both agreed upon “once upon a time”. We women are such suckers. To survive you need to “grow a pair” and show him you were the best thing that coulda happened to him. Just don’t ever weaken and take him back.
It feels like you are trapped but the good news is… you’re not. Life may be difficult if you walk away but that will pass if you put your mind to getting yourself sorted. If you stay with this individual your life will slowly but surely go down the pan. Get out now dont suffer this person’s toxic behaviour and don’t think love will make it all go away/make it right, it won’t believe me. You are and will always be worth more than what you are settling for in this relationship. It’s happened it’s a learning curve, you will become stronger if you start afresh. Dont let anyone manipulate/guilt you into any more of this BS. GOOD LUCK! be strong
First of all, you’ve been married for three years, the honeymoon period is over. Second of all why don’t you believe him when he says he’s tired from work? Third of all if he’s kicking things and throwing away the food you cooked, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! Don’t even talk to him about kids! I’ve experienced this kind of behavior and it never ends well!
I can agree strongly to this I have been in the worst relationship of my life for 5 consecutive years. At the time I was 22 years old .. I have been neglected, abused and manipulated from life itself. I new it wasn’t love from the beginning and I don’t understand why I’m still here.. I have tried leaving over over he only follows me around harassing me threatening my family and me. It like I can’t get rid of him. I have been lied to lied on by him ,cheated on several times prolly still is .. I’m consistently call b**** and just really awful names .. I’m consistently disrespected.. I‘m so use to hearing hurtful things that it don’t bother me anymore .. I can go on about this man that I’m no longer in love with but feel obligated to stay cause he won’t leave .. I feel like a been hurt everyday of every year we been together..now I’m here 4 months pregnant by a man I don’t love . Where does it end for me????
It ends with you walking out that door my love. You are worth so much more than how you are being treated. You deserve a safe loving relationship. You are worth it and it will take time to reparent yourself if you were not given that as a child. You have several moths before your baby is born. How can you best spend that time. Is there anyone you know and trust? some place you could go to spend quiet time to get to know and trust yourself? If not for yourself, would you do this for your not as yet born child? If we do not deal with our own abandonment and abuse we are most likely going to repeat the mistakes of our parents. You don’t have to stay in a bad relationship. You don’t owe him or anyone your life. There are resources and people who can help you get away if you need them. Your are precious! You deserve love respect and peace.
you need to find a way out of that situation, i know its hard you are a very strong woman you can still have the child but think if its best, follow your gut if its telling you to leave which it really really should be then go. Dont let anyone manipulate you into thinking theres only one person for you its called oneitis theres no such thing. theres good ones and theres bad ones, you have a bad one and deserver to be treated equal and amazing!
It ends when you put that baby before anything else and walk right out the door. That little being inside of you does not deserve to be in that kind of chaos. If you can’t depend on him to be a descent human being, and you can’t do it for yourself, do it for that amazing little one inside of you. When you have that baby, your mama bear instincts will kick in and you will know what I’m talking about!
Okay to start off, I have been in a 6 year relationship. In the beginning and first couple of years it’s has been good. But then now it’s like she’s more occupied with her phone. She doesn’t take initiative to do anything anymore. Doesn’t make plans or do any surprises, I always try to do them when I can. She doesn’t even say sorry when she knows she’s wrong. I have been constantly trying to make it work all the time. I really love her but she makes me a so frustrated. When I cry and tell her how she makes me feel when I’m sad, it’s like she doesn’t even comfort me or try to make me feel better. She just stays silent. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to not get fed up and be mad, but I just can’t help it to feel that way now. But I still love her.
I’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 months now. His name is Chris. I’m not sure whether these are “red flags” or not? If i did know for sure, i would’ve left from the very beginning. But here’s literally everything on the list.. He makes plans with me but cancels the last minute A LOT! He never keeps any contacts in his phone because he says he doesn’t want anyone to see who exactly is calling/texting him if he leaves his phone behind? He ALWAYS clears out his phone/computer history after using it. (Waay more than anyone else i’ve ever known) He hasn’t told his family anything about me at all. Every time i come over, i noticed that his bedsheets are always in the wash at that exact moment? (They’re never on his actual bed) He only allows me to come over when it’s convenient for him. He never responds to my calls/texts around specific times i’ve noticed? (5pm-9pm) Every time we have an argument and “split” for a bit, he stays at motels for at least 2 days?? He claims he goes to motels to do his jobs work and to play video games, but i highly doubt that’s the case. Every time we argue, it’s always my fault and he never actually listens to what i’m saying or my concerns and just always asks “Why do you always do this?”… or “Why can’t you just focus on something more positive”? … He avoids all important questions and never leaves me with any answers or closure. He tells me how “f*cked up” i am from my terrible past of mental abusers that i’ve sadly been with in the past, and always brings up their names when he knows i can’t stand hearing it. I don’t want to be reminded of any of that?? He never is the first one to call or text and when he actually DOES call, he’s always either playing video games or multitasking, never paying attention to anything i’m saying to him. It hurts. All of this hurts so bad. It’s really hurting my heart. I don’t know what to do. It’s difficult having the strength to leave someone you cared so much about, even when they seem like they don’t care at all about you. 🙁 I need answers, please help me figure out what kind of guy i’m dealing with here and what i should do?
All these are red flags for sure. He is a covert person.
You could be dealing with some sort of narcissist or at the very least someone who isn’t really into you and your feelings and after 6 months the relationship should be still new and growing into something you would want to commit your life to as in marriage.Break up and don’t look back give yourself time to heal from hurt feelings but it seems like he also may be seeing someone else or has too much of his own time playing video games or worse yet pornography.you will never be first with this guy and you will never be happier to put yourself first and look for someone who will do that too.
Hi Rita,
It sounds like you are in a very aweful relationship, one that I would not wish upon my biggest enemy.
With therapy and a ot of work from your bf’s side, you may be able to patch things up, but come on, you have been dating for 6 months and like you said: all alarm bells should be ringing.
You don’t describe your bf as a kind and caring person, so what makes you believe he will change?
The more love you’ll give him, the more he will treat you like trash, because effectively – sorry for being blunt – you do allow him such behaviour.
The only healthy path you can follow is changing your behaviour towards him, or letting him go completely.
Please please put yourself first, because he clearly won’t do it.
It’s hard to believe that love cannot overcome all obstacles and make people change.
If you have a lot of love in you, please practice some self-compassion, and self-love.
I hope with time you’ll grow stronger to leave behind what is clearly not good for you or your future.
Best of luck, Rita.
Hello Rita,
I sorry for your situation, it’s disappointing that he could ever do such things to you. To me, it sounds like he takes your for granted. and those look like red flags to me. People like him will never change, I know this from past experiences in bad friendships/relationships. In my opinion, if you don’t like his behavior and it isn’t changing, just walk away, he’s the only one getting anything from the relationship, and that’s not fair at all.
You sound like a wonderful, caring person and deserve better than that.
I wish you luck, and that you can pull through this, I believe in you. 🙂
What if it was a kid that you thought may want or even need a friend or male companionship, knowing his dad and step dad got out of jail and rehab at the same time but step dad came and took mom and his other siblings having him with gma. Whether it wss his decision to stay or not, I know it hurt sometimes. I wanted to give him everything I could to make his existence a little better. It don’t seen like he appreciates anything and won’t ever follow through and do what he says, always stringing me along when all I want is for him to not lie and and maybe do what is said would be done. I’ve begged and pleaded, I’ve done everything. He’d rather give me someting else and t even do it right than to tell me the truth about anythinh. Seems like he knew how to keep me wanting for more, now he with his dad where he needs to be and still won’t message backing open my texts but I can tell he online. Keep in mind, I wont have kids and I just really thought he came over that kne day and we non stop hung out for a year blowing gas and shit. I honestly thought by giving and showing him I care, running into danger for him… Sticking up for him, proving without a doubt I got him, that I will lay down my life for him but he still does the shit. Lies about dumb shitz, stuff no need to lie about…
I have lived with someone who has literally sucked the life out of me and when I was so depressed and lifeless along we my son and gave me a reason to live again. This made my toxic person I lived with very jealous very envious that my attention went to my son and he did everything in his power includeing messing with my son’s own well being and state of mind to please himself and get my son out of the way. My life has just been drained by this person. Everything I have tried to overcome gets knocked down I don’t know how he does it butt he does sometimes I think he has evil super powers. It does not matter that I am half empty without my son it does not matter I have literally lost everything after haveing to put attention to this to ic person as long as everything is good for him my life does notatter. I do not know how to overcome this I feel I don’t remember how to live how to fight I’ve lost every fight for my pen life that I’ve had to fight for against this person I even at one point became so hateful so angry for all theanipulateing decietful things he got away with just to knock me down and make me look bad. I know for a fact that my toxic person does not contain the care and live in his heart that I do he has never been considerate or compassionate and he has totally known that I am and has just won at his game to such a glorious point that I am just on a dead end road. I don’t know if you understand what I’m talking about butt I feel as if this tocic person is after my soul as if that’s his main goal. I always end up going with my heart help. Him in every way possible because I cannot stand seeing him in a pathetic state butt if it’s me feeling that bad then he leaves me STRUGGLEING in it and walks away with the most joyful content. I have never seen anyone human being in this world ever to be devious manipulate decietful I never even knew theeaning of these things because that has never been me. I have seen a total different part of humanity and it is ugly hurtful and so draining. I fight everyday to get out of this I am to the point where if I have to pick myself up out of this and see him crushed over it then it will not phase me I know I can now leave with just me on my mind because I have been left to literally die inside soamy tes that I’ve grown numb. I have a son to be there for and I’m scared because I know that it is this toxic person’s goal that I not make it to that. How do I fight back every time I fought by getting so angry I just lost I don’t know how to handle this person butt it much better for me and my son and for the world to be exposed to me than him . People like h are toxic to humans I believe I have been his weakest victom and I do not like being a victom for anyone can you please help me ?
Such a good article. I took me a long time to acknowledge that friends come and go at certain points in your life and that’s OK. It’s also OK to end those that don’t enrich your life.
My issue is I have an ex friend who can’t accept that he is no longer in my life and sends a message roughly every year for 6+ years. For the last few years I’ve ignored him but that just rattles him more.
It starts with – “I miss our friendship”
then turns to guilt tripping – “I’m not well, I’m having a hard time”
then ends with abuse and aggression – “What did I ever see in you… ”
I’m so tired of it all, I ended our friendships hip because of its toxicity and i’ve tried polite, i’ve tried blocking but alas he’ll reappear with a new phone number. I’m at the point of changing my number.
Some toxic friends are indicators of far bigger problems.
Hi, I almost feel embarrassed that I am writing this. I have been married to what I considered a larger than life man for 8 years (second marriage for us both). During that time, I have been the butt of his jokes, moved around the world for him numerous times, left jobs I’ve loved because he doesn’t like the amount of attention I give my job (he freely admits that), been called every name under the sun,blocked from all contact with him…only for him to then ignore he did this and to have any and every mistake in my life I’ve made dragged up constantly and scrutinized. My husband works away a lot, which gives me physical breathing space but emotionally it sets him off into something that can only be described as a lunatic with his constant accusations and nastiness, only for him to th n change his tune and be nice…slightly confusing!
This time, I actually feel that I don’t care as much, almost like I have shut down emotionally. Again, although he works away, he wants me to leave my job so that my attention is on him. This is a man who has never financially supported me, I’m scared to give up my job and become dependent on him (which I believe is his aim).
I truly have now given up, in terms of the blocking and shutting down he does and then the reeling me back in.
I have realized (how I didn’t before) that I am his emotional pinch bag. He did the same to his two children (from his first marriage), who have walked out of his life with their heads held high, his own parents warned me about his behaviour.
So, I’m confused. Although, as mentioned I have given up and I realise at long last that I can’t change to suit his needs that I’m not always the bad person, the one who needs belittling or putting down, I have this feeling that I shouldn’t walk away and give up. It’s almost like a double edged sword. If o stay, his behaviors will continue and I will be back at square one, feeling like I can never do right. But, if I go…have I given up too easily?
How I wished I read this article before. I had a roommate named Joena, and mind you, she is the most toxic person you’ll ever meet. She managed to get the sympathy of Meraki, one-sided class of hers, by using all those fabricated info she made out of the real, actual situation
I’m not sure what end is up with me atm. I’ve been engaged to my fiancé since August.. been going together for 2 years but things aren’t what I thought they were. Or is it me? I was shunned from my religion back in Feb and lost almost everything about my life I knew including all friends and most of my family. My fiancé had seemed very supportitive up to this point but when the actual shunning took place ( i fell out with the doctrines ) he said I had changed. I was desperately trying to make sense of my world and was/am depressed. He is naturally quiet and I love talk and communication. It had seemed okay before.. but then he just retreated. If I try and broach conversations about our relationship he either won’t fully engage or worse… keeps turning it. Often he will say compassionate things or make promises but never follows up and I feel like that child who mummy says ‘yes dear’ to to shut them up.
I want a connection back. I don’t feel loving anymore because I feel lost and lonely inside. I want a cameraderie and openness that I’ve always craved with a partner. Am I asking too much? Can anyone see things from his perspective I could be missing?
I’m emotionally drained but I don’t want to just throw this away.
What you’re desire and are asking for is a healthy relationship. Support. compassion, disscusions about issues is normal, not to mention necessary for a good relationship. If things are this bad now, it won’t get better after marriage. Your fiance’s personality traits seem very similar to those of my ex-husband, and my former brother-in-law. Neither man changed nor did my marriage or my sister’s marriage. Years of having the same discussions and arguments, listening to pomises made but always broken, and lack of true empathy and compassion. I say “true” because statements and/or gestures that appeared compassionate lasted seconds before my ex made himself the focus of the conversation, regardless of topic. He had to have all the attention, the compassion, even sympathy. Somehow, he was always feeling worse than me, or anyone else. His situation was always worse. For the times during which I felt a bit down, upset, or had a problem, I turned to my family. I also ended up getting a counselor. As for promises, eventually, I learned not to expect him to follow through on them. My regular response to most of my ex’s apologies became “Save your apologies. They don’t mean anything because you keep repeating the same behavior. ” His apologies were “a dime a dozen” – very common, plentiful and worthless.
If your fiance never takes responsibility for his wrongs, that is, if he recognizes and acknowledges that he has any, then it won’t get better, only worse. Truly taking responsibility and meaning it is shown by making an attempt to change the behavior. If that doesn’t happen, then again, nothing will improve. If he does make an attempt, but it is brief, (i.e. one or two counseling sessions then some excuse for not continuing), realize this is a tactic. It will be a pattern you will see repeated by him.
My relationship with my ex lasted 18 years. We were married for 14 of those 18 years. My sister’s marriage lasted one year longer than mine. For years, we both kept hoping our relationships would get better once this was different or that changed. Sadly, they did not and we both lost ourselves for a number of years. If promises are never outr rarely fulfilled, they never will be. Marriage is a promise and a commitment, and it is much harder to stick with it and work on it than a promise for anything else that I can imagine.
Allison,
I can’t say much about your situation and I know that this is difficult right now with Covid-19.
But if you’ve lost your support network of friends and family members, you need to create yourself a new support network (either that, or get the old one back). You can’t depend on your fiance (or his friends and family) to fill that gap for you.
If he was attracted to you in the first place, it probably means that you had your own life to begin with. Once this pandemic is over, make sure to get your own set of friends, your own set of hobbies, and your own set of interests. Get a new job. Start a new hobby. Start studying. Or whatever.
Once you can rebuild such a network for yourself, your relationship will be stronger for it.
Hi, I am married to my husband, whom before we got married, cheated on me multiple of times on a lot of dating app, all possible social medias where he can find girls to talk to (mostly talking like theyre his gf, never slept or met them).
But apart of that, he is a great guy, family man who helped you with chores, or always there for me, always keeping contact with my family, pays a visit once a month even he stays far. I can see his cheating pattern is he cheats after we fought and gave silent treatment to each other. You see, we were in a long distance relationship(different citizenship) for 3 years, so its so easy for him to feel unloved so he cheats for attention.
So now we are married for 2months now(no more cheating, he shared everything) but due to Covid-19, we have to live separately for a while. Which messed me up so bad. I was really paranoid. i dont know how to trust him when hes away. So everytime we fought on the phone coz hes a bit sensitive, im scared he gonna do it again. its really hard that everytime we fight, he always said i dont appreciate him. even when he cheated before, he said he didnt felt appreciated, i didnt make him happy. i felt unloved too, unhappy too. but i never cheat on him. No matter whos wrong, i never think that he didn’t appreciate me. i dont know why he always think that way.
I tried my best to be a good wife, despite my working shift as a pharmacist, i went back home and cook for him, spend time with him doing what he wants, even when the days when im too tired. i never fail to cook for him daily. i clean the house most of the days, so that he’s comfortable. Even when we fought, most of the time im the one who come to him and apologise. So it made me sad when he said i don’t appreciate him. Hes my first and only love , he broke my heart to pieces when he cheated. But i focus on the good in him. I just wish he stop thinking negative about me
Hello guys
I believe i have a toxic boyfriend. I was chatting to my sister about my boyfriend and when are we planning to get married. During our chats through whatsapp my sister also asked about how is my job hunting and whether the person who is helping get a job has found anything new.So my boyfriend asks me who is this person helping you find a job and i tell him that its the same guy i had told him about few months ago. He starts claiming im lying that he is not a fool. I was shocked and tried to tell him that this person is the same person i told you about few months ago. He completely denies it claiming i have a new man and my sister knows him. I just told him i wont engage with him because he is just accusing me and yet i have not done anything. So now he has been ignoring me. It has reached a point i just feel tired of constantly defending myself.