by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
What happens in your brain and body during anxiety? (It’s pretty amazing!) Understanding where anxiety comes from, and why it feels the way it does, is a powerful way to be the boss of your magnificent brain, and get anxiety out of your way.
All feelings are important. What’s also important is the story - the ‘why’ - we put to those feelings.
When our children are distressed, anxious, in fight or flight, we’ll feel it. We’re meant to. It’s one of the ways we keep them safe. Our brains tell us they’re in danger and our bodies organise to fight for them or flee with them.
When there is an actual threat, this is a perfect response. But when the anxiety is in response to something important, brave, new, hard, that instinct to fight for them or flee with them might not be so helpful.
When you can, take a moment to be clear about the ‘why’. Are they in danger or
Ask, ‘Do I feel like this because they’re in danger, or because they’re doing something hard, brave, new, important?’
‘Is this a time for me to keep them safe (fight for them or flee with them) or is this a time for me to help them be brave?’
‘What am I protecting them from - danger or an opportunity to show them they can do hard things?’
Then make space for ‘and’, ‘I want to protect them AND they are safe.’
‘I want to protect them from anxiety AND anxiety is unavoidable - I can take care of them through it.’
‘This is so hard AND they can do hard things. So can I.’
Sometimes you’ll need to protect them, and sometimes you need to show them how much you believe in them. Anxiety can make it hard to tell the difference, which is why they need us.♥️
Oct 9
The only way through anxiety is straight through the middle. This is because the part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - is one of the most primitive parts of the brain, and it only learns through experience.
The goal is for kids to recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They don`t have to wait for their anxiety to disappear, and they don`t need to disappear themselves, or avoid the things that matter to them, in order to feel safe.
There is always going to be anxiety. Think about the last time you did something brave, or hard, or new, or something that was important to you. How did you feel just before it? Maybe stressed? Nervous? Terrified? Overwhelmed? All of these are different words for the experience of anxiety. Most likely you didn`t avoid those things. Most likely, you moved with the anxiety towards those brave, hard, things.
This is what courage feels like. It feels trembly, and uncertain, and small. Courage isn`t about outcome. It`s about process. It`s about handling the discomfort of anxiety enough as we move towards the wanted thing. It`s about moving our feet forward while everything inside is trembling.
To support them through anxiety, Honour the feeling, and make space for the brave. `I know how big this is for you, and I know you can do this. I`m here for you. We`ll do this together.`
We want our kiddos to know that anxiety doesn`t mean there is something wrong with them, or that something bad is about to happen - even though it will feel that way.
Most often, anxiety is a sign that they are about to do something brave or important. With the amygdala being the ancient little pony that it is, it won`t hear us when we tell our kiddos that they can do hard things. We need to show them.
The `showing` doesn`t have to happen all at once. We can do it little by little - like getting into cold water, one little step at a time, until the amygdala feels safe.
It doesn`t matter how long this takes, or how small the steps are. What matters is that they feel supported and cared for as they take the steps, and that the steps are forward.❤️
Oct 7
So often the responses to school anxiety will actually make anxiety worse. These responses are well intended and come from a place of love, but they can backfire.
This is because the undercurrent of school anxiety is a lack of will or the wish to be at school. It’s a lack of felt safety.
These kids want to be at school, but their brains and bodies are screaming at them that it isn’t safe there. This doesn’t mean they aren’t safe. It means they don’t feel safe enough.
As loving parents, the drive to keep our kids safe is everything. But being safe and feeling safe are different.
As long as school is safe, the work lies in supporting kids to feel this. This is done by building physical and relational safety where we can.
Then - and this is so important - we have to show them. If we wait for them to ‘not feel anxious’, we’ll be waiting forever.
The part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - doesn’t respond to words or logic. This means the key to building their capacity to handle anxiety isn’t to avoid anxiety - because full living will always come with anxiety (doing new things, doing things that matter, meeting new people, job interviews, exams). The key is to show them they can ‘move with’ anxiety - they can feel anxiety and do brave. Kids with anxiety are actually doing this every day.
Of course if school is actually unsafe (ongoing lack of intent from the school to work towards relational safety, bullying that isn’t being addressed) then avoidance of that particular school might be necessary.
For resources to support you wish this, I wrote ‘Hey Warrior’ and the new ‘Hey Warrior Workbook’ to help kids feel braver when they feel anxious.
And if you live in New Zealand, I’ll be presenting full day workshops for anyone who lives with or works with kids on the topic of anxiety driven school ‘avoidance’. For more details see the in the link in the bio.♥️
Oct 5
Happy wedding day my beautiful Mikey and Maggie!
Some days will forever be favourite days and Monday 29 September is one of them.
On this magical day my gorgeous boy married the love of his life.
Maggie, I love that his forever love is you.
There is a Turkish proverb that says, ‘To love is to double the world.’ Our children expand our world from the day we learn of their being. If we’re really lucky, they expand our world over again by the people they bring into our lives.
Mikey and Maggie, you have a love that will protect you from storms, hold back the tides, and slow the spin of the planets when you need it to. I see it whenever I’m with you.
The space between you is so magical because of who you are separately and because of who you are together. But that’s what marriage is isn’t it. It’s not about what happens to you or around you, but about what happens between you, and what has happened between you is breathtaking. It will be one of the safest, strongest, most beautiful, tender places you’ll know. Protect it fiercely, grow it bravely, and return to it often.
Know that I will be here for both of you for all of it - the messy, the wild, the tough, the beautiful - all of it. Love you.♥️
Oct 2
We don’t need to protect kids from the discomfort of anxiety.
We’ll want to, but as long as they’re safe (including in their bodies with sensory and physiological needs met), we don’t need to - any more than we need to protect them from the discomfort of seatbelts, bike helmets, boundaries, brushing their teeth.
Courage isn’t an absence of anxiety. It’s the anxiety that makes something brave. Courage is about handling the discomfort of anxiety.
When we hold them back from anxiety, we hold them back - from growth, from discovery, and from building their bravery muscles.
The distress and discomfort that come with anxiety won’t hurt them. What hurts them is the same thing that hurts all of us - feeling alone in distress. So this is what we will protect them from - not the anxiety, but feeling alone in it.
To do this, speak to the anxiety AND the courage.
This will also help them feel safer with their anxiety. It puts a story of brave to it rather than a story of deficiency (‘I feel like this because there’s something wrong with me,’) or a story of disaster (‘I feel like this because something bad is about to happen.’).
Normalise, see them, and let them feel you with them. This might sound something like:
‘This feels big doesn’t it. Of course you feel anxious. You’re doing something big/ brave/ important, and that’s how brave feels. It feels scary, stressful, big. It feels like anxiety. It feels like you feel right now. I know you can handle this. We’ll handle it together.’
It doesn’t matter how well they handle it and it doesn’t matter how big the brave thing is. The edges are where the edges are, and anxiety means they are expanding those edges.
We don’t get strong by lifting toothpicks. We get strong by lifting as much as we can, and then a little bit more for a little bit longer. And we do this again and again, until that feels okay. Then we go a little bit further. Brave builds the same way - one brave step after another.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes and it doesn’t matter how big the steps are. If they’ve handled the discomfort of anxiety for a teeny while today, then they’ve been brave today. And tomorrow we’ll go again again.♥️
Sep 3
Knowledge is power – great for kids to understand their own bodies’ functioning. Well presented – thank you Karen????????
Thanks so much! Great advice and great video. Thanks again
What an absolutely beautiful way to explain this to kids.
Agreed! Karen you are awesome.
What a talented woman you are! This is top-notch information explained in terms anyone can understand. I will be sharing this, Karen.