One of the joys of being human is that we don’t have to be perfect to be one of the good ones. At some point we’ll all make stupid decisions, hurt the people we love, say things that are hard to take back, and push too hard to get our way. None of that makes us toxic. It makes us human. We mess things up, we grow and we learn. Toxic people are different. They never learn. They never self-reflect and they don’t care who they hurt along the way.
Toxic behaviour is a habitual way of responding to the world and the people in it. Toxic people are smart but they have the emotional intelligence of a pen lid. It’s no accident that they choose those who are open-hearted, generous and willing to work hard for a relationship. With two non-toxic people this is the foundation for something wonderful, but when toxic behaviour is involved it’s only a matter of time before that open heart becomes a broken one.
If you’re in any sort of relationship with someone who is toxic, chances are you’ve been bending and flexing for a while to try to make it work. Stop. Just stop. You can only change the things that are open to your influence and toxic people will never be one of them. Here are some of the ones to watch out for.
15 Versions of Toxic People
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The Controller.
Nobody should have to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what to wear, how to look, who to spend time with or how to spend their money. There’s nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but ‘the way you do you’ is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldn’t be caged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They don’t crush it.
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The Taker.
All relationships are about give and take but if you’re with a taker, you’ll be doing all the giving and they’ll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If it’s nothing, it might be time to question why you’re there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say ‘yes’ to someone who doesn’t deserve you, you’re saying ‘no’ to someone who does. Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when you’re drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.
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The Absent.
These versions of toxic people won’t return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether they’re okay, or whether you’ve done something to upset them. No relationship should involve this much guess-work.
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The Manipulator.
Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. They’ll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, they’ll be the saviour. ‘Don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ Ugh. They’ll listen, they’ll comfort, and they’ll tell you what you want to hear. And then they’ll ruin you. They’ll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. They’ll calmly poke you until you crack, then they’ll poke you for cracking. They’ll ‘accidentally’ spill secrets or they’ll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. There’s just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. It’s a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.
You: I feel like you’re not listening to me.
Them: Are you calling me a bad listener
You: No, I’m just saying that you’ve taken what I said the wrong way.
Them: Oh. So now you’re saying I’m stupid. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.They’ll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more they’ll twist what you’re saying. They want power, not a relationship. They’ll use your weaknesses against you and they’ll use your strengths – your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If they’re showing tenderness, be careful – there’s something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.
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The Bullshitter.
They talk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. They’ll lie outright or they’ll give you versions of the truth – not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You can’t believe a word they say. There’s no honesty, which means there’s no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best they’re raving bores.
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The Attention Seeker.
It’s nice to be needed. It’s also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesn’t mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you don’t respond. ‘Oh. You’re going to dinner with friends? It’s just that I’ve had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I can’t always expect you to be there for me. If it’s that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. I’ll just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose I’ll be okay.’ See how that works? When there’s always a crisis, it’s only a matter of time before you’re at the centre of one.
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The One Who Wants to Change You.
It’s one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laugh isn’t so adorable, but when you’re constantly reminded that you aren’t smart enough, good-looking enough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isn’t good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. You’ll never be good enough for these people because it’s not about you, it’s about control and insecurity – theirs, not yours. As long as they’re working on changing you, they don’t have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, they’ll have a shot at shining brighter.
These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that they’re doing it all for you. ‘You’d just be so much prettier if you lost a few pounds, you know? I’m just being honest.’ Ugh. Unless you’re having to be craned through your window, or you’re seriously unhealthy, it’s nobody else’s business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you won’t believe how much lighter you’ll feel. These ones aren’t looking out for you, they’re trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.
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The One You Want to Change.
People aren’t channels, hairstyles or undies. You can’t change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter – whether they’re snarling or not. People can change, but only when they’re ready and usually only when they’ve felt enough pain. It’s normal to fight for the things that are important, but it’s important to know when to stop. When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will be you – a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day – you’ll see it in your eyes if something isn’t right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. It’s easier to let go if it’s clear over time that nothing has changed. It’s even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.
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The Abuser.
The signs might be subtle at first but they’ll be there. Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:
>> There will be rising tension. You’ll feel it. You’ll tread carefully and you’ll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
>> Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight. There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first you’ll make excuses – ‘I shouldn’t have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.
>> Then, the honeymoon. The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. You’ll be so desperate for things to get better that you’ll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.
>> The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter.
If this is familiar, you’re in a cycle of abuse. It’s not love. It’s not stress. It’s not your fault. It’s abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and you’ll crave it, of course you will – that’s completely understandable – but listen to this: Love after abuse isn’t love, it’s manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.
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The Jealous One.
Your partner is important and so are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isn’t love, it’s a lack of trust in you.
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The Worse-Off One.
These people will always have problems that are bigger than yours. You’re sick, they’re sicker; you’re exhausted from working late every night this week, they’re shattered – from the gym; you’ve just lost your job, they’re ‘devastated because it’s really hard when you know someone who’s lost their job’. You’ll always be the supporter, never the supported. There’s only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if there’s nothing coming back.
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The Sideways Glancer.
Ok. So the human form is beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with admiring it, but when it’s done constantly in your company – in your face – it’s tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesn’t mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldn’t have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.
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The Cheater.
Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship – that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and it’s not for anyone else to judge whether or not you should stay. It’s a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When people show you over and over that they aren’t capable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you.
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The Liar.
Let’s be realistic – little white lies happen. In fact, research has found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someone’s feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship. ‘So that’s the orange cocktail dress you’ve spent a month’s pay on? Wow – you weren’t kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And they’re smiling. And the shop doesn’t take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!’. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.
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The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams.
Whether it’s being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve you are those who support your dreams, not those who laugh at them. The people who tell you that you won’t succeed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If they’re not cheering you on, they’re holding you back. If they’re not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example, your partner might be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to question what they’re getting out of dampening you.
Being human is complicated. Being open to the world is a great thing to be – it’s wonderful – but when you’re open to the world you’re also open to the poison that spills from it. One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether it’s one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-love. Good people are what great lives are made of.
Wow….I keep hoping I’m not being used but it certainly feels like it….there is always a need, a complaint, a crisis, relationship issue, work, health and money issues all I see and get exposed to is the negative. I get text “I’m in a bind can you help?” I’ve help and I know I will never see the money. I can remember we hadn’t seen each other for months and just wanted to hug my friend and afterwards I got it just felt awkward but there never seems to be any awkwardness asking for money! It hurts and I was just asked again if I could help. I avoided responding and just moved on like it was never aseed and now all I feel is guilt. I never get to enjoy the fun times those are for her kids and boyfriend….I just get the leftovers!
I see aspects of both me and my ex in here.
I think she was a 4, 5 and 10 (the second #10), and a bit of 1, 7, 9 and 11.
I am guilty of 7, 9 and the second number 8.
However, I don’t believe either of us are entirely deliberate about it, tho the Liar one is how she tells me she was raised.
I also see a lot of these coming from her own upbringing experience. There was a lot of meddling in and attempts to control our marriage from her family!
#9 is a hard one, as it can be simply a sign of both people trying again. I know we both did.
I think some of them we became as the bonds of our relationship broke apart.
But it’s chicken and the egg. Or who lit the fuse.
This article is right on about toxic people. And some of them are so good at it, you get sucked in before you know what’s happening. They are so good that no one believes you when you try to talk about it either. They can turn that charm on and fool nearly anyone. I am married to him now but trying to get out of it somehow. I think he wants to end it because I started seeing through him and he can’t handle that at all. Only problem is he had me so convinced it was all my fault, I almost gave up everything I owned and was willing to leave my home and everything I knew so he could be happy. They are good, real good at it and they can cause so much self doubt in you, you feel totally worthless. This article has helped me a lot, it confirms how I feel isn’t wrong, and I’m not worthless. I owned this property before I met him, why should I be the one to walk away? I started a few months ago, thinking that I couldn’t keep going like I was and I gave him every opportunity to stop treating me so bad, but you’re right, he got worse, and it’s only the beginning I fear and I only hope I can hold up and not run. I’ve done that my whole life, I run when it gets too tough, and I”m tired of running. I’ve read every article you have about this or a lot of them and everything you say has hit me right in the gut, it’s like you can see what my life has been all about for the last 16 years. All I ever wished for was him to be happy, and to love me like a person deserves, and when it got bad, he could convince me every time that it was somehow my fault and i needed to change something about myself and I can’t even believe how hard I tried to be what he wanted. How crazy is that? Even now when it’s really over, I still almost wish he would come and say he was sorry…but he can’t, or won’t and I think even if he did, there is no going back this time for me. When you get hurt this bad, you finally say, enough. So thanks for giving me some mental tools here and for taking the time to share what you know so others can benefit. I still don’t feel like jumping for joy, but I feel a lot braver and much more empowered to deal with what’s going on in my life right now. Thank you so much.
You’re so welcome Pam. You have a lot of wisdom and you sound so strong and clear. Stay empowered. Everything you need to deal with what’s happening in your life is already in you. All the best to you.
I hear you and can exactly relate Pam. I’ve got three exes, one’s 60 and from Iran (now stuck living with his dying mum in Iran) who started of the cycle of abuse and all of the above which I endured for 30 yrs, second one 31 full of himself and nearly all of the above, especially THE CHEATER who left me last yr and my mum died and cat. The third one was just after him. He was the worst one of them all – 40, still living at home with mum and dad, and took full advantage of the fact that I was, and still am, vulnerable and older and had some money from a inheritance that he took full advantage of. He moved in and wouldn’t go away. He then decided at 3am at his mum’s place that we should end it, after literally raping me for a few month’s and admitting he has been with an underage girl, UGH, and looking at my daughter way to much. I’m now considering filing a police report if he comes back as he now knows my new address.
You need to take control of your life and kick him out and take back your life, even if it means been alone. It is this for me, and it’s scary. I have family helping me but I would not have it any other way as the freedom to finally be me after years of been controlled and lied to and manipulated and let down in the worst possible way.
I’m pretty and smart and 55 and it’s got me NOWHERE WITH MEN. I’m now working on me and looking after me with a small support network that is enough to make me feel safe. The most recent sad man I’ve known was 58 and CONFUSED AND SCARED of me. He falls into the one above ABSENT he dated me a few times. Things went too fast. He has only had the one partner who hurt him and he uses this as an excuse to hide away from the world and work on his cars and vans. His brother lives with him and cooks and does the shopping, kind of like a live-in wife but it’s his bother … again abnormal. He dumped me after barely a week, told me I need to work on myself but he seems to have bigger issues himself. I tried to reach out and for nothing. He threatened to ghost me, block me, then I blocked him. It obviously triggered something and now all communication has ceased to a grinding halt. He offered a ride out to my daughter’s as he has a company car and free fuel but on his terms and his days when he was free….that’s called again control, and manipulation.
It was so uncomfortable the last time that I will not go through it again, and now she gets me and I pay for her fuel. He did offer his place as she has five kids and has a troubled partner, but looking back it’s probably better she didn’t go there, as he is a strange lonely man who is terrified of love and someone like me coming into his life and making it interesting and me who is way to nice for him. He told me I’m lovely but not for him. I do not think ANYONE IS FOR HIM at all.
Good luck. I feel for you. You need to get away from the man as you will never be happy, and I know as you can see. I’m learning to like my own company and not men’s as all they do at the end oft the day is let you down. At least MYSELF can hurt MYSELF only in the way of my anxiety bought on by all of these IDIOTS and depression which is a daily battle, but I’m getting there.
I did not agree with this article. First of all, there are how many types of toxic people? 13? I think just about everyone fits into one of these 13 types of people. No one is perfect. If you cut people out of your life for being one of these toxic people, you will have no one left. Then, you will have to cut yourself out because you’ll realize that you’re one of these people too. I think this should be a list of ways people can be toxic. Labeling people as toxic is toxic also.
As the article explains, we can all do some of these things some of the time. The difference between toxic people and the rest of us is that toxic people do these things characteristically. They don’t care who they hurt and they have no intention of changing. Nobody expects perfection, but most of us expect the people we are with not to consistently lie, cheat, abuse, belittle, manipulate. Toxic people are toxic because they contaminate the self-esteem and self-concept of those they target. They spread lies, rumours, make people doubt their self-worth, destroy relationships, and will often target people with generous, open hearts who will keep trying to make things right. Toxic behaviour can change the brain – there is plenty of research showing how toxic stress which is created by toxic people (ask anyone who grew up with a toxic parent, or anyone who is trying to co-parent with a toxic partner) can change the brain. It’s called toxic, because it’s toxic. Are you suggesting that those who call a bully a ‘bully’ are actually bullies themselves? Hope not. Let’s stop making excuses for the behaviour which breaks lives, people and relationships. This is the behaviour that is done deliberately, without remorse and without any regard to the damage it does.
Great response, I have been the victim of one of these emotional vampires and it is a horrible recovery.
thats me an emotional vampire
been that way for a long time now
I am toxic and don’t think I can change
I believe that anything is possible to overcome if you trust your will to change, stick to it no matter what, and recognize (not giving up!) that it will be harder before it gets better…but if you want to grow as a person, you can. Always. You are the one who holds that power to change.
We are all human. We are all struggling in something. No one is ever alone in that. Admitting to yourself that there is something you want or need to change is a brave first step.
We all deserve to love and be loved. Keep the faith.
Perhaps you haven’t truly been there.
I SO needed to read this! I loved it! My step daughter is toxic! She plays games with our grand children and that’s just a simple description! If we don’t play her way, she keeps them from us. Matter fact, she did exactly that for over 2.5 years. She only would go with her dad if I didn’t go. She stopped coming to our house when she was 13 because I was there. Fact is, I’m the parent who cares scouts to correct her. Fast forward. Her dad signed for her to get married at 16 with a promise to not have children and finish school. The first thing she did was drop out of school and get pregnant. She had 2 kids, one special needs ego woke up in the middle of the night with a broken femur. She kept the kids from us until we got custody of them. We’d never met the 10 month old. Now we get them every other weekend, if she’s not mad and stops them from coming. She is not married to the dad anymore and is expecting kid 3 at age 22. Horrible mother! Very toxic but how can you get away from this person?!!!!!! She does everything she can to hurt us! I have bowed to leave her out of our will!! It’s not legal yet but it’s going to happen! Her kids go hungry. The sue isl needs kid still don’t talk. Wouldn’t walk if not fir me…. huge huge long story but she had no one to be her parent thus she continues her rein of fire …. through her children!!!
Hi Debbie,
It was a relief to read I am not alone. I am a step mother who has been and still lives in a nightmare. It will never end. So this is my life. I question my own sanity. I could write a book.
I could write extended chapters to your book with my nightmares. Thirteen years age 3, 5, 15 and mine were 12 and 14 and now 16 and 17 and it has turned from negative to very sickening.
13 Version’s of toxic people, great article. I shared the article with my teenager and a few of her friends. Such a difficult time in a person life. Thank you.
Oh yes adolescence can be such a difficult time! Some hard lessons to learn about people and friendships but no experience is ever wasted – even the awful ones. The things she learns about people now will expand her emotional intelligence and people wisdom and will hold her strong for the rest of her life.
Thank you for this post!
It helps with both sides of the spectrum. From time to time, I notice these tendencies in myself and try hard to make it better.
Great article! Thanks for writing!
Thanks Cathy.
We were best friends for five years – she made the first approach, and kept telling me how I was her only friend. We met regularly and had good times. Then her husband retired, things were a bit difficult for them for a while so I gave her space while letting her know I was there any time to talk. However she pulled away and was always ” busy”. I kept trying to get together but it became hard and our contact dwindled. Finally she would not return emails or texts and when I finally asked her why, she told me that she had decided that I was cooling off!! Her ignoring me was turned round into me ignoring her, which was not the case. I emailed her detailing all I had done to try and keep things going but she has not replied. I think she is angry at life and needed someone to blame.
This sounds like someone who was very manipulative to me. I have never known anyone so jealous of me and my family, so self-centred and nasty. I was a total mess afterwards. She made me trust nobody for a while. I found out later even her neighbour, own brother and ex have a total dislike of her.
I have a toxic friend also the last straw was when we here in Florida looking at facing a hurricane she was mad about something I called for 2 days straight before the hurricane was to land would not answer phones in this serious situation 2 days when it had passed she called to say I would not longer be seeing her i don’t understand but I consider a blessing!!
I empathize! I have a sibling who never bothered to reach out to see how we, at ground zero fared after Storm Sandy wreacked its destruction. My then 92 year old mother ( in a different city from both my sibling and I) did reach out, persistently until we had phone service restored and she was able to get through. With no heat or electric it was all I could do to function and clear debris for the first two days and did not think my elderly mother was even cognizant of our situation. Obviously she was. My sibling never called even a month later. A real passive aggressive move. Probably feared we would ask for a helping hand which we had no intention of doing. The hurt drove a gulf between us I cannot lie.
I had a friend of 10+ years tell me today that if I asked her why she wasn’t going to be in town for a week that she would shut me off completely. Ummm really? This person has issues with PTSD, and completely falls into the toxic category…Ive struggled for the past year in dealing with her ups and downs. I feel like she has pushed me away and doesn’t even see it. At all. We used to be VERY close but now its flirting here and there and maybe a random text. I can’t take much more of her behavior.
What I just read it’s my, thoughts about her for many years. It has come to the point its just too ,much work to stay as friends. There no thought about the other person it’s what she wants she wants it there’s many other things most of which you mentioned it confirms what I’ve been thinking. Thank you
Sybil rice
@Pat – I stumbled in shock reading your post! I have a male BF with ptsd that I have known for 8+ years. We are very close even though he lives 4 hours away. We don’t see eachother more than 3 times a month, but we tend to have the FWB agreement going on. MY issue is that he will randomly text me when he is upset or sick but disappear. The “poor me” thing. Yet when I was in the hospital he never showed up. He claims work kept him away. I always tell him how I will be there for him and I have — trust me it’s been a wild ride of ups and downs. He just doesn’t seem to have enuff time for our friendship … Am I being too greedy ?
I just got out of a 21 year friendship/relationship with a woman I logistics loved deeply. She has PTSD (untreated). It was a rollercoaster. I did everything I could: went to therapy, talked psychologists who specialize in PTSD, watched 1000’s of videos, read books, talked to people diagnosed with PTSD, and so. She would never talk about how it affected her. PTSD is not one size fits all and there are five different types of PTSD. There are great therapies. If your friend like mine will not do the work they will not get better. They will think they will, but PTSD reorders the brain. There is no official cure, but there are many things that can help them manage their symptoms and triggers.
Unfortunately, they will find someone else to help them and repeat the process over and over again until they hit bottom or have some clarity.
They say never take it personally, which is hard because it is directed right at you.
It totally sucks. But when you have tried everything and they do nothing but point the finger of blame you just have to move on. Maybe they come back and you can speak to them. But the only only thing that will really help is the best therapy for their disorder.
@A thank you so much for your reply on this matter. I saw my friend yesterday and he told me his PTsD is worse. No one he works with understands and when he leaves work, he just needs space to breathe. Have you ever noticed in your experience that people with ptsd have trouble commiting to things? Example: I ask if he can swing over after work and pick up some bread I made for him. He never texts back confirming. Orrrr I see him in person and ask if he wants to roll by and visit and he says “yeah sure I just might” but never shows up and ignores texts. He sucks the life out of me because in person he can be a great friend and very charming , very present, and talks about the future, but suddenly disappears . I can’t help but blame it on the PTSD. He has told me it’s not me before. It’s one thing to hear that and another to convince yourself of that when you care about them so much. Do u suggest giving him space and letting him come to me?
Get rid of her ASAP. I just went through a similar nightmare as she unmasked and became the devil in disguise. People like these are dangerous (emotionally) and can never be dealt with reasonably. Give your time, love and energy to those in your life who are also kind in return. Move on, leave this toxic bitch in the dust and just be grateful for your own life, ‘true’ friends and the kind and decent person that you are. that’s just what I’ve done and now I see her as very insecure, cruel and pathetic. People like this are jealous and wish they could be like you and have the life you’ve earned, but they’re tormented by their own inner demons. sad
I am all of the above except a cheater. How do i tell the difference between mental illness of depression, possible PTSD or a toxic personality?
It’s about intention and impact. Toxic people don’t care who they hurt and don’t care about the impact. People with depression and PTSD do care. They might hurt the people they care about, but it’s not how they intend it to be.
I’m in a weird place.
My partner and I were in a very good place. Had an awesome relationship. I was immensely happy, although always niggled at her that I Never felt that appreciated.
Then she said she was overwhelmed and such and said she was done.
I managed to fight for the relationship, and we talked, and she said she’d never seen me so passionate before and such.
We agreed to both work on ourselves , and such but truthfully I don’t really know what she’s doing as all she’s said is that she wants to be alone, whereas I am actually self-reflecting and working on my shortcomings.
How do I approach the conversation of asking her what she is actually working on with herself without pushing too far?
I read your question and thought wow, you were really taking the time to self reflect and it was apparent with your inference to self reflection time and by pointing out your verbal contribution you made to your SIG other yells me you are truly making a consorted effort in dealing with real change within yourself.
Its the self awareness and a selflessness when you are aware of how what you say is received by another human being that’s the point.
Good for you. Plus this is a perfect example and any statement can be practiced and thought through and said but also take time to ask the tough follow up questions .Validate your feelings from now on and at the same time hers as well. Ex include setting reachable goals and healthy boundaries by asking or saying we should take a few weeks a month some time limit to have individualized self help vacations but then you show up at that time date and place regardless if she attends or not. I think you may be afraid of dealing with rejection and why? It’s obvious you have been already rejected so that should not be a fear of yours.
Go see her and get together to move on yell her your truest feelings ask for her opinions and be ready for closure of the uncomfortable distance between you think positive. If she will not commit then let her go.
You can never find Miss Right when you are with Miss Wrong.
Good luck sending you positive Chi.
I purchased a gift card off my boyfriend for 80 dollars and we had a fight and out of anger I said that I didn’t want it when he asked me if I wanted it. I was just angry and I really didn’t mean it. I really need the gift card or the money back to buy food with and I can’t get either one. Just because I said something out of anger does it give him the right to keep something that I paid for in full. Or is it his to keep.
It was a gift, of course he can keep it,burn it, throw it out of a speeding car’s window or regift it to his new secret boyfriend, it’s his to do with as he wishes…next time don’t give beyond your capacity. Good luck.
I’m super confused about my now ex husband! He seems like he truly cares and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but when he goes sideways he has verbal vomit. My counselor who met with him several times in the past, believes he has border line personality disorder. Which would definitely complicate things!! I’m just not sure how to know if he is truly sincere and genuine or this will all blow up in my face again. He wants to get back together and win me over. I don’t know what to do.
Hello. My name is Ricardo and I’m 28 I’ve lived with a woman for 3 years and we do everything together we were best friends and we started caching feelings from each other but when I do tell her I much I love her and how much I care for her and she always told me that we can not be together because of her religious she married before that’s why but she does love means care for me. But one day I decided to leave her and go live with a girl that I started talking to and Now I was regret to go live with that girl because I don’t love her. What can I do to tell her that can not live with her anymore because I love the woman that I used to live with???
@Ricardo. You’re in quite a pickle. I would suggest you save up your own money for a place first. Make sure you have somewhere to go. I somehow don’t believe the other woman will take you back because I know that when a woman really loves a man, it will be a hard to understand why and how he left her for another woman. So before you decide to go back to her, get your money in order. Look for a place to stay and figure out where you want to go. After you have figured this out and have secured a place, sit the other woman down and express to her how you don’t love her and it’s best to go your separate ways. Do not tell her you are in love with someone else because that will create other issues. Just let her know you are not interested in pursuing the relationship further. Depending on how she acts either explain to her that you have been looking for an apartment or just leave. If she gets upset and starts acting crazy, just leave. If she is calm and able to listen tell her you plan to move and give her specific dates. Don’t tell her where you plan to move or where unless you really want to. However, I would suggest you have your place because if you have relationships that you want to build with people, it’s best to be sure that it’s what you really want by moving in with them. Have your own place until you find the woman you really want to settle down with and she wants the same. Ok?
I have a great heart, me & this girl tammy were good friends, she one day pulled me over & kissed me, she has a girl friend for almost 11yrs now it’s like 15, we started seeing each other she took me everywhere her daughter, sister,mom,aunt all new one day Tammy’s guilt kicked in she wouldn’t answer my texts,calls, nothing & put all these things in my head & told me she loved me , now she acts like I ain’t nothing. Why she do this to me
If you think you felt bad imagine how her gf would feel if she knew Tammi messed her over with you FIRST…beware of cheaters like the article said. This isn’t about you its about Tammi never being satisfied or valuing what she has. Hopefully this realization has already come for you, and that the time passed has brought you to a better place.
I had a girl that I met on a dating app in 2016, when I was in Japan for 2 days. We talked for 7 years. I finally said I can’t give her what she wants and to move on but I really missed her. Then to find out because I ‘left’ her. She moved on. She dragged me through tests for a year while telling the new boy she loves him. Both of us are long distance, he proposed and she pushed me further away to the point that she saw me moving on, got very very jealous but then that pushed her to say yes to him. I worked out she has BPD. after we stopped talking of course. The games were unreal however I didn’t care for a long time because we didn’t meet, therefore, I was on the winning end of them.
Anyway right at the end she saw me on tinder and this caused her to post WhatsApp statuses to me of her having video calls with him and all sorts of topics about them having babies to how cute he is, how he has put her on his phone screen background and supporting him when he achieved. This was all in 4 days.
(Many things I didn’t do, we hadn’t met!)
Anyway I was really hurt.
I went quiet and backed away but now I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m just torn to pieces. I don’t know what to do.
She says good luck with the tinder ‘bitches’ and says I’m on that level.
She said it’s too late a few months ago but then also said about a serious relationship recently. What is going on. She doesn’t want me but is severely jealous.
She was obsessed with me for years. What happened? Is it because ‘I left her’? Anyway. Now her WhatsApp is open but the privacy is making it look like I’m blocked I did the same to her. I just want to stop thinking about it but at the same time I want her to know I love her. It’s crazy.
I rekindled a relationship from my 20’s (I am 63 now). He came on like gang busters declaring his undying love to me, made plans for the future and then wham broke up with me out of nowhere. Said he was a serious drug addict who had overdosed twice in the last 6 months but he also told me when we first reconnected that he had 30 years of Sobriety. I have no idea where he falls in these categories.
This was by far the most true article I have read about shady people. I laughed my ass off and it’s so true. My ex seems like 13 of them. One of my fav quotes. If he calls you over weight. Start losing 160 pounds right away with getting rid of him. Omg that is so damn funny. Lots of good advice with truth and laughter.
I had a guy friend that started dating then got serious with a toxic girl she was totally controlling I know this because the more serious they got the less I saw him it got to the point where I just wouldn’t go to group things anymore then eventually I had to end the friendship because of this girl she’s not Catholic and he was when I was first friends with him I think it’s good I ended the friendship when I did because he is engaged now I can’t imagine how much worse it would be now
Thanks for for taking the time to write this this has helped me get someone who actually appreciates me for who i am but what should i do if they are hanging out in gang i tell her to don’t go but she does anyway?
All you can do is talk to her about your concerns. Be gentle with this though – sometimes the more you tell someone not to do it, the more it can push them towards it. Let her know the exact things that you notice or that concern you. Stick with facts, rather than feelings or opinions and have the conversation without sounding critical or judgemental. This will make it easier for her to hear the specific things you’re worried about.
Im not perfect but she had a free place to live never contributed an a free car to drive that wasn’t good enough wanted me to kick my daughter out i didnt an she left now she pays somwhere else to live even tboygh she had the whole house
Thanks. Sometimes people’s reactions when you finally explain the problem makes you doubt yourself. Instead of feeling just bad, you feel like you were wrong and have wrecked everything. Except, you felt so bad to start with, you had to say something. They just sail on, leaving a hurt, used mess in their wake . It’s like they just go…..next!!
Hi. I’m 24 years old and have been in a relationship with a man 44 since June 2020. I met him out at a local shop of ours and hit it off from there. He has a daughter who is 12 who he only see’s every two weeks for a weekend. I wanted to take things slow with her as I’ve come from a broken marriage myself and now I have only met her a handful of times because as I mentioned i didn’t want to suddenly be there every single time she sees him and be over baring. Anyway.. We hit things off instantly, never met someone so like me before. Never met someone who understood me like he did. Never met a guy so honest and straight to the point no bullshit like other guys I’ve dated. I was happy. We are both have very high sex drives and that was amazing. However I started to experience pains like endometriosis on top of the PCOS I currently have. So sex wasn’t on the forefront of my mind. Some nights I wouldn’t be into it and he would get out of bed and say things like “your giving me mixed signals one minute you don’t want sex next minute your spooning me getting closer into me” that was a red flag. This was all around October time. Then out of the blue he comes in from work and starts accusing me of cheating on him. It was a horrible intense mentally draining evening trying to convince someone you have not cheated. I’ve spent everyday with him since we met near enough and due to COVID we can’t go anywhere. And I love him so I was so confused where he pulled this from. I told him to check my phone and he refused. I said well if you think I’m cheating on you don’t you want to see if I am or not take my phone do what you like. He refused. The next day he doesn’t come in from work and apologise straight away but instead phoned his mental health doctor and explains to her that “my girlfriend is telling me she’s not cheating but I feel like she is so I just need to believe her I need help” …… I’m taken a back by what I’m listening to here and what he’s doing. We then somehow overcome that and make up. So then Christmas is approaching. My partners mum is no longer with us so he would usually spend Christmas alone. Things are great in our relationship again and we had an amazing month in December. There was talk of him being able to come to mine for Christmas dinner which he eventually did. He met my mum and my brothers and that was great. Then at the start of January we are about to get intimate and he cannot “perform” shall we say. And I reassured him it’s fine that happens. It happens to me let’s just cuddle and watch tv. He then starts to say “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me and that you don’t wanna kiss or touch me or everytime you kiss me your scared I’m going to turn it into sex”. We then had an explosive argument because he’s turning his insecurities round on me. I tried to listen to him snd reason but he was already in the accusation mode. It was that heated and tense I had to leave the house and I said calmly ”I’m going to my friends for the night can you take me down by any chance (12o’clock at night). Because I feel we aren’t going to resolve this being in the same house. We have been together everyday for months due to lack of work and I feel one night away is maybe best. We are getting your daughter tomorrow and I don’t want to risk us still being mad at each other if I stay. Whereas if we cool down for a night we can talk tomorrow before she comes over.” He then said yes I’ll take you and ran himself a bath and laid in it. Making me wait with my bag and shoes on. He then comes out and I said “I can get a taxi if you want” and he said yeah on you go then. So I left that night. Cried at my friends. Spoke to a therapist the next morning. Came back three hours before his daughter was due to come over to give us time to talk and for him to first and foremost APOLOGISE. He didn’t apologise or bring anything up. He pretended nothing happened. His daughter then came over and I had to act like a big happy family. Fast forward two weeks. I’ve noticed that his daughter doesn’t come through and talk to us that much snd im feeling guilty that the only time he gets to see her she’s now in her room all that time. So we spent time Friday night and Saturday afternoon. I then said I’m going to my friends again for a night to give yous some time together. Quality time together. And it means I can see my friend too. He said that was fine and reassured me that I shouldn’t feel guilty. Because I have a tendency to feel guilty for everything I do because I want to please everyone. I spent the night at my friends. He picks me up on the Sunday night and he is radiating this tension and bad energy. I pick up on it straight away. He’s ranting about her homework she had and how they had so little time together. I’m thinking aswell it was his late mums birthday yesterday maybe he’s upset about a lot of things. We then get home and I said something like “babe when you drop lily off can you text me to let me know your on your way for me”. Because he just appeared at my friends quicker that I thought and I was rushing about. And I wise kindof wanting to say that because it would take the attention away from the fact that I’ve been picking up on him leaving the house and then texting me “be home in 20 mins” then he’s in the door two seconds later. I don’t mind.. but it’s just strange? I feel he’s like trying to catch me out doing something sometimes and it’s messing with my head. Anyway so I had just made that small comment about how it would be good if I knew then he was not long away when he’s coming to get me. And because of this mood he seemed to be in to didn’t take it well, I could tell he was getting overwhelmed. He then started saying to say “you just fuck off when my daughter is here”.. “you don’t want to spend time with us”. I flipped my lid instantly. Considering I gut her room for coming over now every other time. Change her laptop for her and have it sitting on the bed. Put candles and wax melts in her room so it’s all lovely and cosy for her and buy her favourite sweets and put them on her unit for her. And I do all of this and say to him “don’t tell her they’re from me” I don’t want her to know every candle and sweety I’ve got for her is from he cause I don’t care about the thanks. I just want her to happy. And I want her to feel loved from her dad and feel loved when she’s here. And I know from my mum having a partner and my dad having a partner growing up that as soon as they see someone new they’re CONSTANTLY there. And suddenly there’s no alone time anymore. So I really get that and respect that. And I told him exactly why I wanted to spend a night away and he comes in and makes me feel terrible for it. I’m sorry this is long winded and in between these main arguments there’s been other small ones or comments made about the lack of sex on my side of things. Snd he’s even said himself during arguments “our sex drives don’t match up anymore. “ and “if we can’t have sex what’s the point”… I think from typing this out it’s obvious that this isn’t a heathly relationship. I recognise this. And I’ve been with a abs user before. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am indeed being abused again in some way.. it’s hard to tell when someone suffers from depression and ptsd etc. Thankyou for taking the time to read this and hopefully you can give me some insight on how this relationship looks from the outside cos from the inside I’m not feeling too good about it but don’t know what to do. I’d need to move all my stuff back into my mums etc and I just want to be sure.
Hey Rachel
I hope things have got better for you since you last left your comment here.
There is definitely a lack of respect for you first up.
I mean things such as rushing to get to your friends house and not telling you that he’s on his way or saying he’ll be home in 20 then he walks straight in the door a few seconds later. It really sounds like he is trying to catch you out for this ‘cheating’. Maybe he has been cheated on before or has depression or a bi polar disease that is making him think that the cheating is real. But this is something he should be working on and it actually sounds like even though he has a mental health nurse on speed dial (has he had mental health issues before?) It does the opposite for him. He is actually feeding into those thoughts and it’s building up his temper.
His temper, nasty words, comments about lack of sex (sex does not mean caring – these are two different things and he doesn’t seem to understand that) and lack of ability to listen to you do ring alarm bells.
But also, due to the age gap he may want slightly different things from this relationship. Maybe he hasn’t had the fun, excitement of a new relationship in many years and the sex is a form of excitement and it keeps things new for him.
I do worry why he doesn’t seem to want to put much effort into making things nice for daughter (you say you sort out her room) he complains about her homework (even though that is still spending time with her) and he seems to want to spend more time having sex with his new girlfriend than spending time with his daughter. This is horrible. His daughter must pick up on this. How can there be much time for his daughter if his is annoyed that you aren’t there, he isn’t interested in helping her to manage her homework, his temper in general and even though you say you aren’t there every time his daughter is, why does it still sound like he doesn’t spend much time with her daughter regardless of whether you are there or not?
I would jump ship honestly.
I rekindled a relationship from my 20’s (I am 63 now). He came on like gang busters declaring his undying love to me, made plans for the future and then wham broke up with me out of nowhere. Said he was a serious drug addict who had overdosed twice in the last 6 months but he also told me when we first reconnected that he had 30 years of Sobriety. I have no idea where he falls in these categories.⁸
I’m in shock right now as I’ve just literally realized how toxic the person I’m with actually is. I come home after a hard long day of work, do dishes, make dinner. Now the Caveat, I’m currently suffering symptoms similar to that of colon cancer so I’m constantly exhausted, lightheaded,bleeding etc. I try to be positive until I know for certain, but it’s difficult. She knows about this entirely
I literally finished dinner, and sighed “because I’m exhausted” and I offered to make her a plate as I know shes been having neck pain. She states she has to restart the clothes dryer “I restart the dryer” and sigh again because I’m tired.
She then gets off the couch and proceeds to snap at me in regards to all my “negative shit”. I just looked at her in horror, told her to have at it. Handed her, her plate and went upstairs.
I came home in a good mood “tired” but a good mood. Now I feel worse than ever, as I sit here typing this, realizing that now we have a lengthy discussion ahead all about how I was out of line, how I need to change, and I just don’t understand her.
Sigh wish me luck.
Sometimes thinking about what is to-do that is ahead of us is just as exhausting as just doing it.
Try to promote “not sweating the small stuff” I found myself in this habit with my boyfriend. Coming home to cook, clean and then debate??
There is already enough to stress daily outside of the home, setting boundaries and or specific duties on each person’s part is neccessary for better mental and physical relaxation.
I am 41 and my boyfriend is 54..we’ve been together for 2 years now and I have a daughter from my previous marriage. This man gives so much as far as taking care of me and my daughter, I don’t work which means I can stay home and do all the “mom” stuff and be there for her when needed. He pays the bills, buys the food, clothes, vacations….. Part of me feels as if I have nothing to complain about.
He has a lot of anger issues and gets his feelings hurt over some things I might find minimal. Never has he raised a hand to my daughter or I, but what scares me a bit is that he has said freely and without apology that he could easily hurt or kill someone who stole, hurt or wronged him. I feel protected in a sense that he would do anything for my daughter’s and my safety, but knowing he doesn’t have a problem harming someone or taking their life…that frightens me a bit. He has a very hard time trusting people and I get that. As a 12 yr old boy he was bullied and beat up almost everyday for years before he stood up for himself, fought back and now he never lets his guard down. We can laugh till we cry and also have long conversations that are very real and make him cry with joy. However, the one piece of our relationship that is inconsistent and what I think should be a strong presence is our sex life. It’s almost as if he can’t give of his entire self during that process either. Very mechanical, lacks passion and just unfulfilling to say the least. I have brought it to his attention a few times and he has either said, “I think we have great sex” or “Yeah. I don’t give all of myself during sex”
As much as I do love him and appreciate all he gives… it’s clear I need to start getting on my own two feet, get a job and have more options as far as getting out if needed. This man is amazing and yet his past and all the anger and hurt he harbors is really getting to me.
Jennifer, it sounds like you’ve just described my man and the same exact situation we are in – minus the child.
I’m not sure if you have found a solution, but I will say that it is of utmost importance to be independent. I had to learn that the hard way.
For all the ways he takes care of me – which I am forever grateful for – I am not sure if his emotional instability is worth it. This man needs counseling.
My 15 year marriage; you described my wife to the tee.there are a few things looking back now that I can say made it just as much my fault. I’ll share with you:
1. Too young to realize or listen as to what I was getting into. I was 19, she was 28. I had one kid who passed, she had 4 ranging from 8 down to 7 months old.
2. No or little life experience. Never had to hold down a job for family to survive, wasn’t raised by real parents who were busy raising other children. Which means we both had mommy/daddy issues
3.Never knew how to command respect as a man/she learned to be her own authority.Wanna know how many other so called men came into my house trying to be the man instead? Plenty
4. Which bought on depression, ocd, paranoid schizophrenia. Flunked 3 colleges cause all I could think of was which one of my fake friends she might flirt with or have sex with(jealousy) and she did, but all anyone could see was that I was a jealous clingy husband. Couldn’t leave; gluten for punishment.
5.Wasn’t yet a man. Couldn’t see that I was a babysitter for the kids whose own fathers never were there, using them as weapons against me when she’s mad,and when her side thing calls, her week long trips without me to new York, a door mat, a convenience , a person to blame instead of both absent fathers . And all because I needed her and what she had to offer instead of using my “child who fell through the cracks” youth to make a success of myself and prove my own family wrong about me.
Now I sit in a 1 bd apartment at 37 wondering what the hell I’m gone do now, 2 years separated, no bio kids,no wife, lost my truck, just all the stuff in the house, bad credit,after 11 vehicles catching the bus and cheap moped,abandoned by the family I moved up here to be closer to cause she screwed an inlaw and I looked more jealous and clingy so they got away with it even staying naked afterwards and I can’t kill him or her, so they put up with him cause his job pays well and I’m only a step. My mother threw me to other family, but raised them well, b it somehow like my dad feels the right to be dissapointed in a kid they left it up to everyone else to raise, no wonder I’m used to it. But take this away from it, it is up to you no one will change it for you be the person you needed when you were younger never shy from psychiatry/ therapy or martial arts.
Gunna, I hope after these three years since you wrote this that you were able to get some breaks and get back on track in your life. Your story touched me, but you really did have it all figured out. Being able to look back and see all the occurrences in your young life and the choices you made when you got together with this woman means you really have grown and that you really accept responsibility , EVEN THOUGH it was NOT YOUR FAULT how you were raised or maybe, NOT raised. Anyway, I just wanted to say I hope things are working out for you better now!!! You were right and brave to just leave! It was wrong what she did to you.
What you just said juanita spoke to me on so many different levels
This was an excellent article. I’ve been with a very toxic man for 2.5 years and am in the process of leaving. We had a child together, which is a big reason for me having stayed this long. Even though I’ve always been a very confident and strong woman, when someone you love repeatedly hurts you, it takes a serious toll. He may have called me “ugly” and a “whore” regularly, but I know I’m neither of those things. There were other things I was insecure about that stay with me, but it was the bullying and the threats and the violent anger outbursts that make me worried about suffering PTSD. I think once we get the strength to leave these relationships, professional therapy is in order to help process it all. Why did I make so many excuses to stay? Why did I even want to stay? How will this affect my daughter? Why do I love him so much after all the awful things he’s done and said? Why in God’s name is it so hard to leave?? I know I will find peace. It will be a struggle to be a single mom, but millions of women do it every single day. ‘One day at a time’ is my mantra.
Julie that was written a good min ago I have a question…How are you now? I’m in such a fubar of a relationship that I sadly thought of suicide a few time n attempted once….I’m dying my inner strength is on life support and idk how much more I can deal with….how can I love someone so much that I accept this disgusting treatment…tell me he let u go u were able to walk away n he was ok with it…how do I get the strength?
This the best-articulated article on the subject that I have read. Thank you.
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased it was helpful.
Toxic people continue to exist though we have made this supposed bid to inform people to shun toxic peope in their lives. I can only imagine what the people this article addresses glean from this message. Point is if all the “good” people shun the “toxic” people, won’t the toxic ones begin to realize and band together, thus forming their own special interest group? These people don’t just disappear and sometimes you’re in a situation where you cannot get away from them. You might actually have to learn to get along with people you aren’t fond of. Our predecessors seemed to manage just fine without the concept of a persons toxicity.
just feel to write this burden in me today…
i cry & suffer a lot for manipulated, bias, betrayal, & taking-for-granted people from those relationships that called as a family, friends, acquaintances, etc; that due to so much lost on my identity, confidence, self-esteem, studies, ambitions, dreams, passions, & even my independency.
i. lost. everything…
hell life started on my age 12 & i getting some of anxieties/disorders since then (although i just read the symptoms, not a proper diagnosis). but still i keep fighting with my HSP to give so much cares and loves to everyone.
finally i give up on my age 26 (right after i left my previous job early of this year) & today i try to live my life as a relationships’ “atheist” that don’t give any damn to cares, loves, appreciates or trusts matter with anyone, anymore. i don’t want if one day i will hate myself for being what i was alike, although i know that i’m going to be suffer for the rest of my life.
now i just want to live myself only as a part of His creatures, but i never let myself be conquered by any kind of relationshiTs as possible as i can —
thanks for reading.
This article is very on point and insightful. I only wish I read this information many years ago so it wouldn’t have taken me 40 years to open my eyes. At least I could have spent my best years with more love instead of hurt and self-hate. But then I wouldn’t know what I know today. I guess everything happens for a reason or season.
I let my childhood upbringing and later certain judgemental church people add to my unhealthy and uncalled for guilt and I spent 20 years in a marriage with a person who displayed 9 of the 15 traits described in this article and didn’t open my eyes until I was “outside the box” and that’s when anger, then resentment, then bitterness, then self-love and finally forgiveness started to take its natural course.
I only recently started to rebuild myself and understand my relationship with God better. And healing is coming through praying, reaching out and eventually making the “right” connections and decisions for me instead of always making every one else happy. Over 25+ years of making wrong connections of negativity…finally being reversed…nothing is impossible and God is GOOD and works miracles!!!
I think my mental self-esteem from childhood affected my decision making in choosing my partner and environment throughout my years. My stepmother always made me feel that my opinions were worthless and distasteful and that her kids were the best thing that ever walked the earth, leaving me no room to “fit in” or feel part of the family. The first incident I remember, when I so much loved and admired and looked up to her as if she could do no wrong, was when I was about 12 years old. I didn’t feel like I was very attractive and wanted to know what she thought since her opinion was always right and mine was wrong. I asked her if she thought I was beautiful and she said, “There are only 3 people in this world that I think are beautiful…Marilyn Monroe, my stepsister” (her daughter), and some other famous person’s name I didn’t know. I was so devastated. Because what she said meant EVERYTHING. She seemed to see my sadness and then replied, “but I think you’re cute.” Although she did try to help me not feel bad she couldn’t help her feelings from coming out no matter how damaging or hurtful they were. Other things she said and did (intentional or not) throughout the years kept adding more weight to the terrible things I felt about myself. She is a good hard working woman and did teach me many good things, but I feel her resentment towards me, love for her own children before her husband’s children, and any inadequacies I had, were thrown in my face at such a young tender age making me doubt any opinions I had about life. She put my stepbrother and stepsister in charge of disciplining and ruling over me. So my stepsister amusingly learned how to manipulate me into doing anything she said threatening me if I didn’t do as she said no matter how bad it was. So I learned to let people put me in a box and when I tried to get out I was made to feel so bad that even physical torture would’ve been better. Even my only best friend in school wouldn’t come to my house anymore because she didn’t like the way I was treated when she came over.
That was then…this is now over 25 years later. Even now my own 24 year old son has had his own experience feeling outcast in my family (and only spent one year being around them during college). My siblings all make excuses for my stepmother’s behavior and say I’m too sensitive. I just realized 2 years ago that I was doing the same thing for my kids about their dad. I was making excuses for their dad’s behavior, lies, and neglect so his actions wouldn’t hurt them as much. Now that I have left the unhealthy marriage after our children were grown, they are making excuses for him (as I used to do) and looking for the bad in me. I pray they will see the good and pray for their happiness every day. They seem happy so I think my prayers are working. I’m not even sure what advice to give them so they don’t make excuses for people and allow them to walk all over them like I did (family or otherwise).
My stepsister recently said, “why do you care so much what mom thinks or says?” This made me realize that I had to let go of needing her approval and love. It will never change. Which made me face my fear of losing my dad’s love too, since he’s all I had left and I know he’ll always standby his wife no matter how wrong she is. But I love and respect him for standing strong and faithful. He will always be my hero.
I rarely keep in touch with any family now but have been blessed with a positive, healthy, God-loving man. I am on the road to healing, recovery, positivity, love and self forgiveness. It’s the only way I’m able to forgive others. After all, it’s me who chose to let people hurt and affect me so deeply. I made that choice unknowingly, regardless of their intentions…but now I know!
Thank you for helping me to see the importance of barriers for protecting myself since I struggle to stop people from trampling all over me. By not putting my barrier up people automatically think that I like to be treated bad and they will continue to do so without that barrier. I am facing this great and overwhelming fear, and I’m finding that this monstrous fear is smaller than I imagined. I only felt fear, guilt and selfishness if I tried to protected myself or have a voice. I had enslaved myself to my own fears (because of listening to self absorbed people) and now I’m finding my freedom!!! I’m learning not to feel this way by changing my environment, people I CHOOSE to let near me, and listening to and reading uplifting messages. And when the enemy (fear) comes, my armour will be too strong to break!
Ive had enough of my toxic family. Im treated differently from everyone else I am not speaking to my mother due to her verbally abusing me and my dog. Im left out of all family occasions its like I dont exist. My mum was very physically and emotionally abusive to me all my life as far back as i can remember her brother died on friday after a long illness and no doubt she is telling everyone how im not there for her. I wasnt allowed to visit him in Wales before he died but everyone else went they do it all sneakily and blame my dog saying i cant go to wales because she is naughty……that makes no sense as my dog is only 4 but i havent been allowed to see my family for over 16 years. I am not part of life any more i feel so depressed I dont know how to go on I dont see anyone from one week to the next my friend got a boyfriend so thats me out the window as usual…..i have nobody to turn to yet you read on all these depression sites to talk to someone you trust……is that some kind of a joke people are depressed because they have nobody to talk to in the first place. My family this includes my aunt her son my sister her two daughters and even my own daughter never bother with me I feel like im dead but i dont know it. Im last on everyones list I feel lost lonely and its been that way forever but its just getting worse and worse I hardly ever eat its a real chore. My aunt is a bitch because I told her about my mothers beatings to me when i was a small child and how she would tell me she wished she never had me and the next day she was getting my mum to do her gardening for her like her slave basically. Ive been very ill with womens problems up and down hospital im in constant pain nobody has come to help me at all i cant bend over as it hurts my groin and back too much. I have ovarian cysts and fibroids but this back and groin pain is like nothing ive ever felt before. I feel like I cant go on I joined friends in need site and underneath what i wrote two people are chatting away to each other and totally ignoring me same old same old so whats the point in joining these sites when you just get ignored. I end up feeling angry and hatred towards these people. My mum got her partner to ring me and he left a message on my voicemail saying in a spiteful tone YOUR UNCLE IS DEAD. How delightful. Ive blocked him and my mum on my phone but somehow he can still leave messages on my voicemail. I could be dead for all they know but they obviously dont care. I cannot face my mums abuse any longer im 45 years old and 45 years of abuse is enough as far as im concerned. Even my own daughter abused me and beat me up in the end i had to throw her out with the help of the police she ignores my messages even though we are meant to be talking now so another one bites the dust. Im sick of trying to seek help to get some kind of advice or something anything only to be ignored. I know im abused and treated like utter crap by my family as im too nice…..they talk over me interrupt me and basically ignore any opinion i have like im nothing. My cousin talks for too long for anyone to stay interested in what he is saying so i ask a question and the next thing he is jumping down my throat saying if you let me finish!!!! Im like in my mind obviously if you didnt speak for an hour at a time like he is making a speech i wouldnt have to interrupt his boring speech my aunt then gets angry because her son is so bloody damned special that everyone should stop and listen to every word he says! She then berates me for asking a question. Why do people talk to me like im nobody and nothing? Now they all ignore me basically I have no body and have had to drop quite a few friends due to their selfish behaviour that was intolerable so im basically all alone in the world. I have such deep depression I cant function. Sorry for the long post but 45 years is too long to suffer for. I need some help but cant seem to get any. Much love……Missy
Missy I can hear how lonely you are feeling and I know how painful that can be. It sounds as though you have had some cruel people around you throughout your life. If you are being ignored by the people around you, that is about their dysfunction, not yours. You are important and you deserve to be noticed and heard. Are you getting support for your depression from a doctor? One of the things that depression does is to increase feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. This is why it can be so difficult to move forward through depression. If you aren’t speaking to a doctor or counsellor, that would be a good place to start. Keep your boundaries strong between you and the people who hurt you, but try not to judge all people based on those relationships. There are good people out there. You are one of them.
Sorry for my late reply I have been very unwell and have had an operation. Thank you for commenting back to me I didnt even realise my comment had been printed till today. I am still being ignored and nobody has asked me if Im ok after my operation! No surprise there but still hurts a lot. My aunt text me a couple of weeks ago saying she didnt have her car and could I take her to the shops so I said of course I can I wont be long I took her to the shops and I text her about how cute her new puppy is only to get ignored again! My mum ignores me, her partner has also just had an operation and Ive been texting him saying how are you etc only to be ignored yet again! I sat here crying at my pc last night wondering what I have done for this to happen im a good person maybe thats the problem I really dont know. I have googled today I feel like I dont really exist im not even religious but I was thinking about going to the church down the road I might find some kind caring people there who knows. Im still recovering from my operation. My aunt hasnt text me my sister hasnt bothered either nobody cares about me as for my mother the hospital had to release me into her care….care she didnt I was in terrible pain but she couldnt wait to get rid of me she is a narcissist maybe even a sociopath im not sure. When we were up the hospital before my operation the nurse had to ask me questions about where my pain was and my mum was sitting on another chair and kinda making faces as i answered questions looking very annoyed at me I didnt know why…..after this she said tomorrow you are going to have to give me a lift to her partners place but they told me I couldnt drive for 24 hours! She didnt care I was in such agony but she said go on go shopping and do this do that and the other and ushered me out of the door in terrible pain I cried as I walked around the shop I couldnt hold it in. I dont see why people treat me this way but thank you all for your support
Hang in there. I had to distance myself from my family for a while as they too were abusive – adoptive mother, father and sister.
I established my own I dependant life at 16, married and had two wonderful children.
I have found – for me- that sometimes because of past rejection – I am not as trusting as I would like to be. Keep your heart open to new people, volunteer with something you love and yiu will meet like minded people and perhaps form new friendships .
Give yiu dog a hug and feel better.
Thank you Judy im glad to hear its not just me I was beginning to get paranoid about it being more than one person ignoring me. I realise they are all very twisted ……when my mother returned from her visit to her partner she got stuck in a traffic jam as the jam finally started moving she saw a smashed up car and a lorry inside it! She was so angry about this I said to her hey someone has probably died in that car or more than one person you should be thinking of them not moaning about being hot! She is so self centred doesnt she think about the poor people in that car I said to her if you get hit by a massive lorry like that no doubt you would be dead I cant believe how heartless she was about this but it said it all really. Ive had to delete my facebook as I was getting ignored on there only a few people would bother with me. Had another argument with my mother last night I asked her why does all my family hate me why does she hate me what have i done? She said in a text OH HERE WE GO AGAIN and totally dismissed me saying she was turning her phone off she hates being around other people she hates people turning up at her door to see her she cant wait to get rid of them. Horribe nasty person she is. She makes it so blatant that she loves my sister and not me yet Im always the one who took care of her when she was having a crisis and my sister was nowhere to be seen. My friend still hasnt asked if im ok after my operation on Friday she is so self absorbed she even wrote this on facebook i quote “I dont need to photoshop myself because im already perfect” i nearly puked over my computer! lol…..what the hell is wrong with people. You can tell a lot about a person by their facebook page and all I can say is gosh does she love herself why I dont know because she isnt attractive at all delusional maybe! She doesnt like the fact ive had an operation and am in pain because she is the only one who can be in pain she is the only one who has feelings! I had a tooth infection come up over the weekend probably due to being run down after my operation. I text my friend who lives about a 3 minute walk from my house asking her if she had any clove oil as I was in agony she totally ignored me this was around 4.30 in the afternoon….the next day she text me back a sarcastic text saying “dont they do that in the chemist” but when I sent her the text she knew the chemist wasnt open so she waited a whole day to text me back to say that knowing it was open then. Hahahaha she treats me like something you put in a doggy poop bag…….she only rings me when something goes wrong in her life in fact two weeks ago she rang me crying saying her ex had tattooed over her daughters name. I was very sympathetic and told her not to care about him as he hasnt seen his daughter in a couple of years. Then I started to tell her I was having problems with my family and daughter and she said immediately I have to go I have to feed the kids she does this all the time she is A ME ME ME ME person. Ive given up texting her in fact when she finally texts me back now I do it back to her and text her the next day which is faster than her responses to me. She forgets that when everyone let her down when she was moving house I turned up with my friend and lugged all her stuff into the lorry and into her new house she also forgets how i was there for her when her husband left her for another woman! I really dont know what is wrong with the world. Im sure that there are some nice people out there but I never meet them. I try to make friends everywhere I go but I think its quite hard to make friends at my age as everyone has their set friends and dont want to have another. I have never dumped a friend because I got a boyfriend. Well what did I expect from someone who meets a man on say a saturday and by the monday he is moved in and new daddy to her kids. I feel sorry for her kids but thanks for all your support and sorry for the late reply I even forgot i wrote on this site. Anyway all of you take care and much love to you all. P.s. I do hug my dog when im feeling sad she doesnt ignore me 😉
You sound like a really good person with a heart don’t let them pathetic excuses for human beings make u think otherwise .i have had to isolate myself from my family and a few friends whilst having to deal with the deaths of my two only genuine friends .at the end of the day I would rarther learn to be comfortable living by myself than to continue a life of always being treated poorly by those closest to me .please take care of yourself and start enjoying life you deserve it!
That was too emotional and painful I wept but am gud anyways life comes with up and downs..but it painful and causes depression when you keep facing same problems every gaddam time.
I feel this with my daughter I love her but it’s been a hard slog she’s disowned me because I stood up for myself but it’s not help with silent treatment from my now husband I feel drained and I e given up the fight
Thank you ive been through 12 years with someone like this I think it started with them being angry and wanting to punish me for a past mistake. I lost everything friends, family and self respect including having an emotional break down, everything was turned back onto me so friends feel they can’t trust me as I allowed thus person to control even this aspect of my life. I would ask him to stop calling people names but now feel ashamed that I didn’t fight hard enough for friendships as he needed to turn everyone against me while I was struggling with feeling guilty that my problems should be minimizer to make way for his, which at the start weren’t so big I’d gone through a lot myself but he’s managed to manover, everything in his favour. I feel better having read this because I thought I was insane and it’s harder knowing that friends don’t want me any more.. and that he’s out there with their full support.
Katrina I’m so pleased this has helped. Things always look clearer when you’re out of the mess, so don’t give yourself a hard time for anything you did while you were in the relationship, such as not fighting harder for your friends not to be called names). You had good reasons for not fighting harder, and it’s important to remember that. To hang on to the shame is to hang on to a part of your history that isn’t true for the person you are now. Now you are free to move forward and find the happiness you deserve – but let the shame go.
People pretend to be good. They are not.
Toxic people have cycle.. i’ve been married to one for 11 years and it’s been an on and off tiring process.. exhausting daily process.. 11 years until i decided that he won’t be treating me that way again.. but the divorce process was also as hard.. cause toxic people won’t let go easily.. ego, control, using my compassion, using threats, sweet talk, lies, whatever he usually did to get me back.. but it’s a cycle.. he said sorry..he said he realized it was all his mistakes.. he said he’ll change, won’t do it again..but once given the opportunity, more damage will be done.. it’s a never ending cycle.. to heal from a toxic person takes courage, strength, love, and determination cause he’s like a lost puppy who keeps following you and once you turn around he’ll bite you, he’ll destroy you all over again..
I see myself in all of these situations.
I am currently on the receiving end of yet another totally unprovoked bout of bad treatment, disrespect and name calling followed by the usual ‘walk out’ and silent treatment by my partner.
After 7 years of this I virtually have no love left for him and that makes me very sad .
I have allowed this crazy existence with him to continue for far too long and have wasted years of my life on this self -centred , negative and controlling man.
I’m lucky, he has not broken my spirit -yet !
I know I have to end this destructive, lonely relationship and although it will be hard I will heave a huge sigh of relief when I have.
Find courage and don’t wait as long as I have , nip it in the bud when it begins.
Unfortunately they will never change -because they don’t want to !!
Although I do fully agree with this article, I also feel there is two sides to every story. Early relationships I had highschool-25 years old, we’re extremely unhealthy. My highschool boyfriend cheated a lot and was an alcoholic. I didn’t understand a lot of why he could treat me the way he did. I was young. From then on, up until a few years ago, I carried the pain and patterns from one relationship to another. It was abusive and unhealthy and not love. I lived with severe anxiety and always had chaos in my life and relationships. I got married and had children. A combination of him getting arrested constantly and trust issues ended that quickly. At 26 I decided to focus on my 2 children and myself, stay single and heal. Looking back now I see how crazy and unhealthy they were. I was abusive and had no control over my emotions. I would say hurtful things and threaten to break up and try and hurt them because I was hurting. I didn’t get it at the time. I started dating again after a couple years of being single and was in a relationship with someone that was abusive. He acted like I used to when I was hurt and had low self esteem. The whole time I had a good heart and didn’t see what I was doing to the person I said I loved. Let me tell you there is nothing more eye opening then having a close relationship with someone that has the same flaws that you do or did have. Being treated the same horrible way that you used to treat previous significant others is something that will change you forever. I still make mistakes but continue everyday to try and become a healthier kinder person. I believe a lot of the abuse was because I was hurting and wanted someone else to fix me. No one should be expected to fix someone else. I went years without realizing the pain I was inflicting because my pain overshadowed the pain I was causing. I have grown up and deeply regret not getting my head straight at a younger age, can’t go back now, can only move foward.
At least you are moving forward- you can’t change the past and it sounds like you continue to learn from it- well done.
My oldest son is in a relationship like this with a toxic person for 2 yrs now. She has manipulated me and him so much now that him and I don’t even speak anymore. Which is very upsetting to me because me and my 3 sons have always been really close. So now I don’t know what to do except sit back and let him get hurt to learn from it. When as a mom all you want to do is take the pain away. I’m just afraid that this is going to change mine and his relationship forever. I don’t know how to handle it since she picks arguments with me every chance she gets. I got to where I ignore her texts all the time and then she makes me out to be the one with the problem and my son is so manipulated by her that he seems to believe it. I didn’t raise him to take this kind of crap from no one but he is. Now he’s talking about marrying her. So what else can I do to make him see her for what and who she really is? So lost and confused.
Ramona this is such a difficult situation and I completely understand why it would be causing you so much pain. Here’s the problem – the more you try to convince your son that she’s harmful, the more he may feel the need to prove that she isn’t. If he asks you directly for your advice or about what you think, gently let him know. Otherwise, give him the space to figure things out for himself. This doesn’t mean you have to approve of her, what it means is not getting in his way. The more involved you get, the more material you’re giving her to make you seem like you’re the one causing trouble. Your son has chosen her, and as much as you want to, you can’t be the one to ‘unchoose’ her for him by convincing him that she’s not right for him. Let him know that you support his decision and that you just want him back in your life. Let him know that you understand this means embracing her and that you love him enough to work on the relationship with her. You are absolutely right – all you can do now is sit back and let him learn the lessons he needs to learn to make the best decision for him. I know how painful this is, but this is his growth now. Once he gets through this, he will have the wisdom and insight that will ready him for something better to come into his life.
I have given my son the distance needed to learn his lesson. I have tried on several occassions to embrace her and make it work, when I think everything is going good she starts another fight over stuff from the past and blames it on me. My son is really big hearted and when he falls he falls hard. I speak to him when she’s not around which isn’t often. So now I just pray for the best whatever happens cause he’s talking about marrying her now. I hope he learns before he does if not I will have to just deal with him not being in my life as often. All I can do since he is grown now. I do love him and it pains me him having to deal with her but he has to learn from his mistakes now. Thanks for the comments.
You are acting from such a strong, loving place. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love with someone who doesn’t deserve them, but you are doing the right thing. This is your son’s growth now, and nobody else can learn the lessons for him. He is very lucky to have you.
So after reading about this, i thought to myself ‘narcassist’ all the way right?
They are so toxic. I’m in a tumultuous, in-and-out relationship with my so-called significant other, i will say. We lived together for three years, but i broke up with him for what i thought was for good, a few months ago. He moved out, and eventually i did too, living temporarily with my father who lives 40 minutes away from city limits.
I can’t begin to stress how much of this is ALL true. He inisist that he is not a cheater, that he would NEVER disrespect me like that. And in the most recent suspicion — the possiblity that he may be having intimate affairs with my dad’s lady friend (so jerry springer) . It’s a growing feeling in me. I know the difference. I’ve been jealous in my younger years long ago. Not so much now. I’m grown up, have experience in life and in myself i feel good about who i am. Secure in myself for the most part. I’m not jealous of her, or threated by her, as my significant other, pointed out. He has the ability to say the wrong things to add fuel to an already suspicious feeling, which adds morte angst to my already disturbed psyche. I’ve hit a wall in all this back and forth mistrust, and insecurity of walking down a future path with this man — this path which is riddled with flags, small indescrepancies that don’t seem to measure up, as counted by myself who happens to notice the slightest detail or ommission in the words of man. I’ve told him numerous times, that if he feels like fooling around with others, i’m open minded, just commuicate with me. That way it doesn’t feel like such a “BAD” thing to deceive me completely behind my back..that he doesn’t have to give names or who, whatever. I know he puts me in a different category, the wife type, not so much the seducer of his dreams, and i’m ok with that…its just not me. Sex is not my ultimate fixation and goal in life, unlike his, where i belive it is a lot more than he let’s on to me. After going around and around, i see now, that if my suspicions are warranted, that one of the reasons he doesn’t speak a word and also why he is hellbernt on keeping his indescretions airtight, is because, not only for the sake of my not knowing, but that he actually get’s off in knowing he is getting away with something, while all the while doing whatever or whoever it is behind my back. This man feels no shame, does not care about the potential hurt and deception aimed at me. It almost feels criminal.
So to make matters worse, i believe, even after alllllll his claims of innocense, and numerous times of putting my ego on the line while coming off to him like a jealous crazy person, the feelings i get (gut feeling, heart) whathave you, grow like a fury fire in me. So to make this all even more
unfortunate and hurtful to me, is the fact that he has no limits to who he will have indescretions with, even this person is directly connecdted to my dad (whom my dad has feelings for, complicating and personal) she comes over every sunday for a dinner my dad puts together for his frtiend and wife. I’m making an assertive decleration as if i already know in my heart for this to be true, unlike his incessant claims of innocense, where he came back to me and said oh ” i would never disrespect you or your dad like that, if if that ‘beautch” (exadtly how the word came out)) loved me, i still would not disrespect you and your dad like that.” REALLY? did he have to torture me further with such an uncanny and uncesseary decleration of his innocense, instead it seems to only exaggerate my already failed attempt to try to belive him, instead making me step back in fear.
It’s been three years of this. Tall and short of it, i love him, but at the same time, my feelings for him have become more and more diminished as of late and i’m tortured every other day between what i feel and what he says, how he spins it on me. Now, you;re probably asking yourself why i have found myself putting up with these uncertainties for so long, putting myself through this drama? Well i suffer quitely, with ongoing monthly psyche and pill management, from schizo-affective disorder, PTSD,Mood disorder and Ansiety, a little depression that is escalated when these stressful moments resurface which is about every two weeks or less. It’s too much for me to bare anymore and have been working on finding strength to keep up apart permanantly but its hard, and i’ve been working on me. Following my goals and dreams, just for the sake of keeping me preoccumpied, if anything. YES! he has. I’m going to assume, that now knowing i have a few mental conditions, that the reader is now thinking, Gee i wonder if he ever uses that to control her? And yes he does. Many times over the three years, ” oh its in your head, take your meds.” I don’t know how many times that’s happened.
This is a really good article and I couldn’t agree more.
I’m in a divorce process after 11 years of marriage. Funny thing is i always knew that he’s bad for me. But i stayed just cause of compassion, for the kids, for staying out of trouble, for fearing the word DIVORCED, idk, lame excuses, social stats, humane excuses, believing in God’s mercy, believing on his words..
I connected so deep into all of those mentioned above, every abuse he’s done to me, all mental breakdowns, tears, emotional roller coasters, feeling not good enough, dying inside, feeling so low that he had all the power and the rights to treat me like i’m nothing, physical and mental abuse..until about 5 years ago i started to grew tired of crying, of screaming, of getting beat up for nothing..told myself i won’t cry anymore, he could do anything i won’t care, i won’t listen to anything he said to hurt me, i won’t take his beating up on me again..
I started to grow..i even grew brighter, shinier, but on top of my glow he started putting me down again, kept looking for my flaws, said i was better when i was the old me, he sabotaged my works, he kept making me feel guilty..
Even now when we had been separated for over a year, i still don’t like myself around him, when he texted me i feel like..i don’t like my vibe..he’s still intimidating, blaming, using those on and off words, controlling, whatever he wants..
And other funny thing is..i don’t feel lonely..i realized with or without him is the same, i’m still struggling alone, he was never there to care or support me, so i don’t feel like losing someone, not a friend or anything..he was never even there for me..
Rochelle it sounds as though you have reached a peaceful place with this. You sound strong. Not every relationship is meant to stay. Some come to teach us – resilience, strength, courage, and once we uncover those qualities in ourselves, the need for the relationship fades. It isn’t always easy to leave, even if you know you would be better of out of the relationship. Now that you are away from the relationship, you will start to glow again.
I am so confused on my relationship. I met my bf 10 years ago and we dated we split because apparently he had just got out of a marriage unbeknownst to me . Then a natural disaster occurred we kind of lost touch but wound up being friends on facebook. He tried to pursue me a few times but i saw he was with someone so I shot him down. Fast forward to last year I was about an hour away from home at the beach for a weekend getaway, and posted where I was coincidentally he was there at the same time . He facebook called me and we were 20 feet from each other. We had breakfast talked all night and had lunch the next day We were doing the friend thing hanging out watching movies no sex nothing serious. We got real close, and decided to go for it. Then I lost my job we were on his income alone a struggle. I found a job 2 months later, but bills were piling up . . But i discovered that he was controlling got mad whenever I went somewhere with my friends when i wasn’t working he made the comment to me that he was at work and felt i shouldn’t be out having a ball while he worked. If he wasn’t there it was an issue Then my car got totaled another blow now we have one car. This happened while i was bringing him lunch when i told him i didn’t feel well . No biggie it’s my guy whatever. The biggest blow was to discover the gambling $800 a week during football season . $800 collectively we have 6 kids wtf . It got so bad he would gamble the light and food money away then it would be my fault because I made him mad. I argued with him. He even was sleeping with his married co worker different women messaging me on facebook telling me he wont stop messaging them and could i ask him to stop. Then my dad died now he lost his dad and someone near to him this is the first close to home death i experienced i had a mental break down i lost it i wasn’t able to function he gave me the equivalent of i don’t have time to worry about your feelings. HE will be so sweet so kind then it is Jekyl, and Hyde idk if I am coming or going . I’m depressed i lost weight i don’t look like me all i do is sleep and work. I even had a breast cancer scare, and he told me I wanted pity. I think he is bi polar he was diagnosed ptsd and depressed, but it is far deeper than that. I just want to be happy with the guy I love but i’m afraid i’m holding on to venom. At this point we are in 2 separate homes that is another story in itself. But i’m hurt he even answered the phone for another woman in my face and tried to lie to me. At this point i know i need to leave but my heart has to catch up to my mind. His moments of remorse and normalcy confuse and baffle me.
Dominique you actually sound very clear about your relationship. You know in your heart and mind that this man doesn’t deserve you. Don’t let his moments of ‘normal’ confuse you. Even the most toxic people aren’t toxic 100% of the time. They can be kind when they want to be, though often this is part of the manipulation. This makes it worse not better, and only proves that the cruel things he does are a choice. You deserve a love that is warm, kind, gentle and nurturing – not one that breaks you. Love and relationships take hard work, but they should never feel cruel. You are strong and brave and you have everything you need inside you to act in self-love and self-respect. It will be hard – so hard – but never as hard as what you are doing now. Love and strength to you.
Andrew, that’s pretty much my situation, just adding a pregnancy. That hits so hard.. No idea how it will all end up.