When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem – 9 Things to Keep in Mind

When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem

So you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must drive you nuts.

I was in a relationship with an angel, let’s call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.

Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different’. Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.

Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:

When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn’t. But my feelings aren’t unique.

The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 9th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.

Your man’s low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work.  It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.

If you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)

Here are some important things to remember: a cheat sheet to get you through tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways.

  1.  He loves you so much, but hates himself even more.

    He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say ‘I love you’, he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong’.

    He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.

    A book I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don’t let the title fool you, it’s a book about shame, self-worth and learning to accept yourself. It’s a powerful starting point, buy it now.

  2. He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.

    This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.

    Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention so much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how great he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.

    He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he’s worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’

    It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.

    Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way?  Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’

    If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.

  3. He believes he must have ‘got lucky’. He feels unworthy of you.

    At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close, showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and started looking around. The high that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he’s seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to feel okay about himself.

    I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.

    I thought I’d got lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.

    Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect. This is an important point.

  4. He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.

    Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough’. He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.

    He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.

    There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much?  If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.

    To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now’. Tell him he is enough.

    The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.

  5. He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men.

    My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)

    If I felt threatened or not #1 importance in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you, and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again they go crazy or become irrational.

    He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.

    Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling it like it is.

  6. It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment’.

    Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.

    Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy’. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’ll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it’.  Problem: it’s never coming.

    You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.

  7. True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.

    In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.

    I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come.  My feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her’.

    No advice here, no matter what he’s going to give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.

  8. He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.

    Sick, huh? Hate me if you want, I don’t care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person go through hell for us, feel pain caused by us – can actually give us pride.

    It’s a dose of the ‘I’m worthy’ drug … ‘Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy’.

    Enough said, it’s time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.

  9. He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.

    Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.

    If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways I was like a child before. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.

In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Stick in there, but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, you are as well. Take action now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.


About the Author: Paul Graves

Paul Graves writes about pain, shame, and better living through self-acceptance at TakeTheLemons.com. He lives in Ohio with his 7-year old daughter and two cats. 

Paul is on Twitter and Instagram.

514 Comments

Janice

Thank you for sharing! I stumbled upon this in a time I really needed it. I have fallen for someone that is just as you have shared here. We started a relationship which did not progress he doesn’t want to hurt me and he feels he has nothing and not a good person. I have tried to just be his friend for now, having told him I was not going to give up on him and that he is a great guy etc. It is one sided at this point and I wonder why I have continued to care. But that’s my journey and struggle which has made stumbling upon this article very helpful.

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Heather

I found this article on the exact day I needed to find it. Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for acknowledging Mary, too. It gives the rest of us “Marys” some validation.

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Amy

All interesting. I think about birds of a feather flock together. My second husband and i had common interests and problems. Both seeking validation.

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Andy

Reading responses has enlightened me to the fact that I need to be content with being alone for the remainder of my life.

I’m a virgin, I’m 37, and there’s been women throughout my life who have shown interest, but because I hate myself so much those women never got a chance.

Galvinized steel wall up to protect what I don’t care to fix. Subconsciously put up with clear intent to keep those finding what lies in the dark.

I can’t ever love another, for I’m a stranger to love.

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SS

Just point a man like this to a good trauma therapist and move on.
Thats what he needs.
A man like this doesn’t need “you”.

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Katrina h

I knew most of this already about my husband, but hearing it from someone else helps.

I need help with my husband of 3 years. We have a child together and his self hate is such a heavy depression in my life. I don’t know how to help him. I’m doing everything I believe possible.

I’m afraid that if I’m the only one putting in the work to help him, I might give up soon. I’ve always been a bubbly person who loves life, but he makes life seem so miserable. He hides himself away and never wants to do anything. I feel like I live with a zombie. He may as well not even be home when he is. Most of our conversations are just me talking and all I get back is “cool” “oh” just nothing. It’s so draining. Every now and then he comes out of his shell and it’s awesome. If we hang out with my family he goes and sits by himself away from everyone. I’m so gentle with him all the time because I’m scared if I say the wrong thing he will hate himself even more.

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Kathy

I know a man who is very accomplished and successful but still feels unworthy. I think he is some type of narcissistic. I was married to one but a different type.
I don’t think they they can do much with themselves. But I feel for a woman married to one or trying to have a relationship with one.

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Marc

Low self esteem does not give you the right or excuse to cheat or treat your partner badly. Every man who suffers from this will deal with it differently and I guess the point is that if he wants to change and his behaviour doesn’t cross the boundaries of the relationship for the other person then you can work with him and try to understand him. Low self esteem is debilitating but it’s not an excuse for bad behaviour that crosses the boundaries of a relationship like cheating, physical abuse etc…. I like the article because it highlights a big problem and gives one man’s journey. I suffer from this as well but would never cross the boundaries of my relationship. This to me is just awareness of how this can manifest itself but not everyone will deal with it the same way. Men with low self esteem are not necessarily bad people to keep away from.

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MT

So sorry Lia. I am one that deals with the low self esteem man. Every thing Paul says, has happened to me. At my whits end with trying to convince him that I care and he is worthy. At a point now where infidelity became a problem, but he feels it was ok because I left for a very brief period from other things he contributed too. They do things to hurt you to make themselves feel better. As mentioned above, you are put on this pedestal, until he is ready to knock you down. You are the muse, but only until he feels he is done sucking whatever he needs from you. And then on to the next. While you are left holding a heart broken into 1000 pieces. Nothing is ever enough for the low self esteem man. Always changing jobs to attain the highest status, but already achieved much in life. Nothing is ever satisfying. Always complaining. Until he sees what he does and loves himself, he will never change.

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Marc

Part of the problem is he needs help. If he’s willing to go to therapy and confront his issues then you could work together to beat this. If he’s not willing then you need to decide if it’s worth it. I’m a man struggling with this but I have seeked help and I’m on a path to recovery. My partner has been patient and believes I’m worth it. I had to work hard at it and we have great days and sometimes not so great days but the goal is eliminating this way of feeling about myself. Some people in these comments have compared it to narcissism but it’s not. Might have similar symptoms but its a completely different issue. Narcissistic people love themselves and have no empathy towards others. Men with low self esteem hate themselves and hate what they do to others. They just still do bad things because they are filled with hate for themselves.

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Jennifer

Terrible advice to stick around with someone who needs to figure themselves out… ALONE! If it’s meant to be he will come back after doing the work. Don’t stick around for that unless you enjoy crumbs, pain and dark lonely wals in Crazyville!

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Dawn

This isn’t low self esteem. It’s narcissism. How do I know? I’m married to it and I can’t get rid of him.

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Elizabeth

Narcissism stems from low self esteem, and yes, everything described above are the acts of a narcissist. Unfortunately, I was in a 3.5 on and off again relationship with this man’s twin. Now he is victimizing, manipulating, gaslighting someone else. I don’t think he’ll ever change. He should hate himself, because he’s a terrible person that leaves a wake of broken people wherever he roams. He’s toxic.

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Nona

I have been with one of these for 20 years. He has betrayed me in the most horrible ways imaginable , mentally abused me, used having extramarital sex with my sisters as a way to punish me for nothing but being faithful. Treated me like an animal instead of a human being. It’s a sad life to love one of these men.

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Lia

Thank you for sharing. This one is really tough. However, what if another woman beside Mary loved you for who you really are (but this woman didn’t know that Mary still exists). She was proud of you and loved you dearly yet when Mary found out about her existence, you denied her, dumped and left her to go back to Mary. This woman became the casualty. You lied to her and broke her heart without her knowing from the start that she’s just another woman to feed his ego. How can this person be so unjust to this woman. Sorry, this struck my heart. Because this happened to me. I am this woman who loved and adored a man with low self esteem, but became a casualty at the end. While I remain true and honest, the man made me believe that he loved me and only me but all these are lies.

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Ruby

Thanks Lia,

Sometimes, people need help in being shown the way out of a miserable situation I only know too well. In the end, men like this don’t change and even when they do, it can take years of even decades of work to get to that point.

“A woman who doesn’t know her worth will settle for less than she deserves and finds herself trapped in mess that’s even harder to get out of. Women without boundaries will soon be women without respect. You set the standard of how you should be treated. It’s not cockiness or pride, it’s value. Just because someone desires you, doesn’t mean they value you. No matter how good they look or exciting them seem, you are so worth more than someone playing games. It’s better to be single and wait for what you deserve than lower your standards and settle for less than God’s best for you”

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Ausn

Most of what was written sounds like my boyfriend. We have been together for four months.

I have mental health problems and think I put up with some of what he does because of the years of therapy I’ve had. At the start the usual couldn’t get enough of me, wanting to talk to me all the time. We arranged to see each other twice a week. When the phone calls stopped, his reasoning was we see each other more now. I understand that after the first so many weeks things slow down. I’d get a good morning text everyday.

All weekend he has been hard to get hold of. Sunday is our usual day of meeting. He didn’t turn up and his phone was turned off. He later messaged to apologise then turned his phone off.

I’m close to breaking up with him. He doesn’t know but I’ve given him three months to do what he said he would do. If he doesn’t do them I am going to try break up with him. I feel he loves me but no respect. It will be painful at the start but will stop me from being hurt any further.

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Emotionally Abused Angel

Yet the girl who gets cheated on multiple times by a guy who feels he hates himself, suffers much more permanent damage. I’m speaking from experience of being cheated on. Even though you know that he hates himself, it makes you hate yourself even more for not being enough to satisfy him. You end up bending over backwards trying to love him into being fixed. You sacrifice your needs of feeling loved equally, being respected enough not to be cheated on. Even though you might be successful, kind, loving, loyal a perfect 10, you begin to feel worthless and then you end up believing you’re worthless. Then you start to get slack at work and get into trouble. You begin to let go. Maybe you don’t even feel like eating or living because now life around you has become dismal. Your only hope is your guy. The scraps of attention and breadcrumbs of love you get from him become the only source of happiness in your life – even though you resent him for cheating, for making you sacrifice yourself, for putting yourself through this, even though you 100% believe that he is a good guy inside who just hates himself and hates the world because of his bad childhood or first love that screwed him over.

Don’t cause harm to yourself if your guy or girl is doing this to you. Don’t give them a chance. It’s sad but you don’t want to suffer like this. This can go on for decades. That’s how tough it is to break this toxic cycle. You end up thinking that this is how life is supposed to be. It makes you insane because you’re being ok with letting yourself be hurt and you’re dreaming of a fantasy and promises that seem just out of reach. Maybe next year, maybe the year after that he’d realize how great he is and then we can finally be happy, you think. It’s not gonna happen. Save yourself. There are other guys out there that will absolutely adore a good person like you. You don’t deserve to suffer for anyone and it’s not your job to fix them. It’s a psychologist’s.

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Annonymous

What to do when you are stuck with a man like this. I just realized after reading this great piece of wisdom that it’s his low self esteem which is ruining our 12 years marriage from day 1 and having 6 kids….woooow

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Genesis

Wow this really hit me 😔. My fiancé treats me like a queen and I love him so much, but when I tell him I see it in his eyes and I can read his thoughts, “Yeah, sure,” and, “Why would you love a piece of shit?” (I’m not just making it up either because I tell him and he confirms it). At first I through it was just something we could work through quickly, but we are on year 6 now and there has been no change in what he thinks of himself. I have told him so many times how great he is and point out all his amazing qualities but then after a while I become a horrible person and unleash everything. I just confirm his negative remarks about himself because I’m growing tired of it. I’m afraid I’m nearly at the end and I don’t want to. I love him so much. I just wish he loved himself even half as much as I love him.

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Marc

He needs therapy. You can’t fix him. Try and suggest this. There’s underlying reasons why he is the way he is. If you’re ready to give up but love him, try suggesting this. If he’s not willing to try then yes walk away.

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Miyu

Hi Paul, i want to ask – did you continue what you were doing (parties, sex w different women, addiction) after you said you were enlightened? Have you completely been sober and turned your back completely or you were in the place where you realized all you were doing is wrong and just accepted it?
Did you ever come back to any of it after you were enlightened?
Please let me know what are the changes now in your life. Thank you!

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Petal

I’ve been married with a guy with low self esteem for +1 year now. We’ve been with couple therapists, soul healers, etc. It’s been extremely exhausting and sometimes frustrating for me, as his wife. I love him–he’s a really good person, but when his mental demons show up and he becomes violent, I don’t feel safe anymore. What can I do?

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Jon

I found this while searching for help with low self-esteem.
A bunch of these sound like me, or at least familiar. How do I get better? I feel a constant desire for validation from my wife or others. I know I’m smart and successful, but why don’t I feel like enough? I don’t want to be clingy or jealous. I want to be strong and confident in myself and our relationship, but how?
I know I feel depressed sometimes and I think I may need medical help with that, I’m working on it. I was bullied a lot as a kid and never fit in. I even joined the Army just to get them off my back. But that can’t be the only reason, could it?
I know there’s a ME problem. I’m just desperate to find answers and get well. My wife and kids deserve better.

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Jas

Do guys with low self-esteem apologize for making a mistake?

Do they try their best to explain there actions and get their women back? I found out that my boyfriend was on a dating app. He told me that our relationship was too intense and that he needed to breathe (knowing that he also wanted us to be together all the time).

Also, my previous relationships bothered him a lot, sometimes he said that he could not trust me because of that.

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Lina

Tell him you can be on the dating app too. Thank him for giving you the solution to find other options other than him! Then really do it. Get on that same app. Cos why not? Life is short.

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Cay

He considered me in his future plans. He even wanted two kids for us. Everything was great until we had a compatibility game in which he asked obvious questions referring to his status right now ( unlucky man). He barely shared his emotional struggle with me, well i understand because we only met online. He can’t trust me or should I say he’s not ready enough. It’s weird but I can feel how broken he was inside. I know his silence means something. Then, after that fucking game it’s the ultimatum that we’re not compatible at all, we are too different to be together. We will eventually have a roller coaster relationship ahead of us. And so he said “we should break up, this is all nonsense”. I said okay. Im tired of saving our relationship for the 4th time. He had a low self esteem. He was lonely. I want to help him by loving him and be his sole support system, but I guess it’s never gonna happen. I cant fix his personal issues. Sad but I have to accept it.

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Blancs

Your talking about a narcissist. Most don’t change and will make your life a living hell…….

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Marc

I don’t agree. Sometimes they may be narcissistic but many times it’s just low self esteem which can be debilitating. A narcissist doesn’t hate himself and talk himself down

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James D

Damn bro let’s hope that nothing like this were to take affect on you or anybody in your family or you may love. Mental illness is a horrible thing my man and I live through it everyday being Diagnosed with (severe anger issues & depression and those illnesses were brought o because I’m a 100% disabled combat veteran for PTSD. I struggle man, I have a gorgeous wife and 3 boys 8,6,1 and they’ll be times that I won’t come home for the night and it’s not so I can e unfaithful, but it’s because I am scared and I’m not sure why. So I isolate myself I. The truck and sleep there for the night.

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Krissy

How do you continue to love someone who doesn’t love themselves? And what point do you have the conversation.

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LakesGirl

I had the conversation when I became just sheer exhausted giving everything to help him feel he was worth it. The day I told him I can’t do this anymore was so hard, but in the next few weeks, he turned around 100% in his priorities. He had been looking in all the wrong places for happiness when it was right in front of him. The separation made him stop and really access what he was doing to himself and the people he loved. I can’t say this works for everyone. Some people are so hung up on feeling sorry for themselves, they stay stuck for a lifetime. And faith played a part in our story.

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Julia

My fiance has been suffering for years when it comes to low self esteem due to his father never being proud for what he accomplishment and mentally and physically abusing him when he was a child. Therefore, I have tried to do everything I can to let him know how worthy he is and address all the talents he has, etc. But it has never worked nor will I believe it will even though he truly holds the thought I am his soul mate. We has 3 kids together and does many of the things listed above, but How can he drag me down so slow and still expect me to be the one to continue trying to help him.

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Rachel

I’m going though this now, I couldn’t anymore he was disregarding & disrespecting me so often, that started losing my self respect I started manipulating that’s when I left cause that’s not me I sent him a text basically saying everything Mary did for you is what I tried doing for him

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M Seeker

You can’t. Trust me i hate myself… My ex tried painfully to show me love for 20 years and couldn’t get through to me. I Love her with all my heart and would kill for her and my children but still wish I were dead and curse every morning I wake up. Evil I have experienced and evil I have dealt. Demons in whatever way you perceive them possesses one that hates themselves…

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Jessica s

Me and this guy have been bestfriends for 5 years now. We started off as bestfriends and I feel like I always wanted more initially. I fell in love first. I had the crush on him. We then dated for 8-9 months 2 years ago, but then when we broke up it didn’t feel like a break up because nothing changed since we were bestfriends. We kept fooling around and being intimate. Nothing changed. Then 6 months ago he casually met someone else 3-4 times but it broke me, they stopped talking after 3 months and he became this perfect amazing guy who showered me with compliments 24/7 always called me and let me know how much he misses me every time we were apart. But everytime the topic of being serious and a future came up. He would get a little mad and say why is that all u want from me and our friendship. It’s all u want from me. And just today we had a open conversation and he told me he doesn’t love me in that way ever since we broke up. He said he’s tried so hard to figure out why. He said he has this perfect girl infromt of him and he started saying things like I’m f****d up and somethings wrong with me I’m broken and I realize he doesn’t love himself at all he can’t love me if he doesn’t love himself. And he told me he can’t live without me but he said if needs to try to focus on himself he can’t have me in his life. That I was an anchor weighing him down because he depends on me for everything. So I told him I understood and he promised we’d talk again once he’s feeling better about himself. He told me I was a once in a lifetime type of person. He didn’t wanna lose me. So I deleted him off everything just now so that I’m not selfish and interrupt him and so he doesn’t feel weak and need me. But I had to let go of someone I was in love with and my bestfriend and he would say all these perfect things but I don’t know if he ever even meant them. I just want to end up with him but now I’m not sure if he’ll ever feel that way about me

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LakesGirl

Holy cow you could be telling my story. I too met this amazing guy who I started as friends with and then I fell in love with him. He too started seeing another girl he said casually as friends, but I didn’t believe it at all. Crushed me. I told him at that point that he could go get her and live happily together. After 3 weeks, he came back and we have been together solid for over a year now.

In the beginning because of his low self esteem, he would say the exact same things to me like: I’m horrible, I should be alone, I’ll mess you up etc. Any time I started talking about how I was in love or about a possible future, he bolted. Scared little puppy. He too told me that he didn’t think he could love me the way I loved him because he screws love up.

I’m sure he meant them, but he has such a low opinion of himself, he can’t accept love. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love someone else. And when guys/girls have trouble with low self esteem, they seek out other people to build them up. Probably why your guy sought out another girl for a while.

My guy finally got over himself and the poor me attitude. He is a new man and values his job, his relationship with me and is just a very settled, content at peace person.

Not sure where your guy is at, but THEY have to want to let the past go that holds them hostage to confidence in themselves. No one else can do that.

Good luck. I’m sorry you are going through this. It bites.

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Jessica s

Yeah, I’m just wondering now if it’s best to take this break. We are inseparable and he always comes back because he says he can’t live without me. We’ve been by each other from such an early age, since we were 17. He doesn’t know himself without me and same goes for me, but I’m also scared of things changing and feelings changing on his part. The other day he was saying, ‘I have this perfect girl in front of me that I can’t love’. We aren’t talking right now because he’s trying to find himself and love himself. I have no idea how long that could take. There’s no timeframe for that type of thing. It’s just scary.

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Jess

Personally, I think if someone says they can’t love you, it’s time to move on. It sounds like he’s just saying enough to keep you from leaving him because he’s afraid to be alone. You are probably better off alone or with a partner who treats you with more respect. That’s just my 2 cents. Respect yourself first and foremost!! Good luck!

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Heartbroken

Thank you for this article. A lot of the behavior sounds like my ex-boyfriend. I recently broke up with him. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else and this was confirmed 6 days later. I’m totally heartbroken and very confused. I thought we had connected on a very deep and intimate level but soon into the relationship he pulled away, and I constantly found messages from other women on his phone. He always had a valid excuse and told me that he loved me more deeply than he had ever loved anyone else and just wanted to be with me.

Due to loads of circumstances, I’m the one that works and provides but he did try to contribute in his own way. He was always extremely jealous and possessive which I thought was low self-esteem, but it’s difficult to understand if it’s that or just plain narcissism and I’ve conned by an extremely manipulative person.

I always saw his good side, which is amazing, and then of course, also the bad which broke my heart time and time again. I tried everything I knew to keep him happy and nothing worked, so I eventually chose my own peace of mind. Now I’m just trying to get over the hurt and confusion of who he actually is, and if he ever really felt anything for me or if I was just an easy and comfortable lifestyle for him. I hope he heals, I hope we both do.

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Mike B

I’m a guy. I read this, and tried to understand. If you have low self esteem, a woman can’t solve that for you, so stay away from women and man up. You are making excuses. I call bullshit!

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Toya

It’s not that she can’t help you, but she could just be there to help you, and uplift you and most definitely to inspire you, that people can love you just the way you are, and that might be the time, that, that man really realize it’s time to make a change, so men need to know that somebody cares about them, and they can still love me throughout the good the bad, and the ugly, not saying she’ll have low self esteem herself, she’s just there because she Loves him, Because Love covers a multitude of sins, and most definitely prayer changes things, people and every situation..

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Jonathan J

I agree, I’ve had low self esteem for the longest time and whenever I fell for a girl I would always remind myself that it would end in disaster and that I would definitely ruin things. A lot of it was also the low esteem talking admittedly. I don’t agree that I’m making excuses though or need manning up. It’s simply a state of being that therapy or meds haven’t helped. But it is a big problem, and I never wanted to waste a girl’s time with me so I avoided all dating completely, which I think most guys with self esteem issues should do unless they find someone likeminded.

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In It For the Long Haul

I have been with my partner for 26 years, married for 24. We knew each other when we were teenagers, moved apart for 15 years, and then moved in together in our 30s after a long-distance relationship where I thought I knew him, thought I understood his struggles, but am now just learning how little I really understood.

After losing his job 4 years ago, and moving away for a year to take a contract (which I supported so he could rebuild his professional self-esteem), this summer I discovered he had 3 emotional affairs and one sexual affair (phone sex) while we lived apart, and one after his return, all with work colleagues (past and present). He has admitted he had these affairs because he needed the constant admiration/affirmation/boosting of his sense of self. He struggled with how his father treated him as a child (called him worthless and generally did not love him unconditionally). He was also molested when he was 8 because he was lured by a predator couple who sensed he could be influenced by compliments. I’ve always known about this background, and I always wanted to be there to soothe his aching soul.

I have ALWAYS understood he has self-esteem issues. That said, his favorite saying is he is “sorry” for doing whatever it is that he thinks I am criticizing him for. I have worked so hard to be patient with him, to compliment him, to explain that he misinterpreted criticism when all that was intended was to point out where I had gone wrong, but all he heard was that he had done something wrong.

I am self-confident. He envies this self-confidence, and also fears it. The challenge for me in our relationship is that the longer I am with him the more I find relating to him exhausting. It is always “about him”: (that he was wrong, that he can’t make me happy), and despite my best intentions to always be positive, there have been times in recent years where I have just simply snapped because always being supportive has drained me to the point of not only having nothing left, but starting to seek out negative attention because it started feeling like negative attention would be better than no attention at all. But, of course, with someone with no self confidence, giving him negative attention only makes things worse. It may have given me a very short-term adrenaline fight or flight rush, but it only hurt our relationship in the long run.

I am seeing all the advice in these comments that someone should run away from these types of relationships. I struggled with leaving after discovering the first affair 6 mos ago, and 3 more affairs 4 mos later. I know that he is currently exploring the psychological challenges he is experiencing, more than I have ever seen him look into it before. He is starting to accept some more things about himself, and how his childhood has shaped his need to escape reality. He is now accepting that he needs counselling (I have been in counselling on and off for the last 25 years to stay strong and work on my own issues). It is no excuse for the affairs, and no excuse for the amount of pain I have endured. However, I know he is making an effort now.

I also know I cannot count on him being able to sustain this positive path. I know he will likely slip again, and I have taken about 5 mos to come to terms with that. Low self-esteem leads to an addiction to seek out constant positive feedback. I know all it will take is for life to throw him another curve ball and he will slip again. And despite everyone’s advice to run away before he hurts me again, I have come to truly learn how to love him unconditionally. I never thought I would come to a place where I could accept that he might cheat on me again, but I see his struggles much like those of an alchoholic or someone with a gambling addiction. He is struggling with a different type of addiction, and I know it comes from the deep pain, anxiety and depression he lives with daily. Does it make it right for him to hurt me because of his pain? No. Do I accept him anyway? A few years ago, I probably wouldn’t have, but after much soul-searching I have truly come to understand the true meaning of the vows to “love someone for better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

I will continue to love and support him. There are times when I feel so empty with him, and then he surprises me with some emotional gem that is enough to keep me going. Am I short-changing myself? Probably. But I also know that I am not perfect. I love him unconditionally, even with his imperfections. I hope he is doing the same for me.

Sorry this ended up being so long, but I felt I needed to tell my story. Thank you for letting me write all of this and for listening to me. Good luck to everyone in their search for what is right for them in these circumstances. We all have to figure out what works best for each of us.

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Lakes girl

Believe me I understand what it is like to be with a man with self-esteem problems. I have been dating a man for over 4 years that had super self-esteem issues when I met him. He had come out of a 2 year marriage that destroyed him as a man.
He was low weight, he called himself a monster, and just would not allow me in.
Well fast forward 3 years and we are in the most beautiful peace filled relationship I could have imagined. He values himself with me, he loves his work, and just is happy.
what was the magic? Time and helping him find ways to divert his self esteem issues. We began hiking and that helped him slowly dissolve all his issues of feeling not worthy. He felt comfortable opening up to me because I refused to judge anything. We are all human and have issues of our own. Whatever caused your partner to be this way is a product of something that damaged him. He has to want to though. My guy just naturally moved forward through the pain and won. I hope the same for you.

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Rena M

Thank you for sharing! I’ve been with my boyfriend for only two months but it has been a struggle to deal with the low self esteem. There have been times more recently where I have questioned if our relationship is right. But I have this great love for him and we have so many great moments together and a part of me is not ready to give up especially since this was a product of something from his past. I want to continue helping however I can and be supportive. I hope we get to a point where we find peace and where he can value himself

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Ty

In a parallel I am this guy. I came to the realisation that I suffered with self loathing so very recently and the whole key to seeing it was being told I had stopped someone from enjoying hugs because I find it a chore. Now I love this woman, as I told her my soul sings for her, so why would I do this. Then came other things like not saying I love you enough or telling her she was beautiful. It took a while but I realised that I thought she could do better and that there were so many better choices for her. So I looked up self loathing in relationships and came across this article and it resonated to the point that I could identify almost word for word. When the grim realisation hit me I was so ashamed of my behaviour as there is no way I would purposely do it so why exactly had I done it. The thing is I did do it though. What I didnt realise was it was happening, I dont think that’s a defence, without ownership and accepting something first you can’t offer one and besides there aren’t excuses you can only ask forgiveness and understanding. The thing is there will be multiple incidents all of which will feed that shame demon in your head and unless you see it for what it is then it will just feed the problem. Monsters lie here, these are the monsters that make you think your significant other is going to be the next one to abandon you or is already doing so and laughing about it. These monsters or thoughts are the ones that need to be addressed because for someone with self esteem problems its another flail to beat yourself with because you deserve it. And so the cycle perpetuates. I’m just starting to deal with this and its tough, but step one is admitting the issue.
I hope it works out for you as I am trying to reforge a relationship at the moment and the fact you are there will be of immense relief if he starts to see where you are coming from. Personally I’m in limbo I dont know whether the relationship is rescuable and trust me here the monsters have teeth.

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Eve

I’m going through the exact same with my partner. He’s using attention from women to fill the hole when I can’t fill the emotional void to his satisfaction. He loathes himself so much. We’ve just started therapy together and I pray he can gain a sense of self worth and love through it.

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Stephen M

This article has come at the right moment for me. I realise that I come across as confident and self assured. I sincerely love and appreciate my wife. We met 6 years ago and I was in a really good place, confident. I was single after my first marriage for 12 years. I filled the space with other women, and none of them could give me what I really needed – self esteem.
Little by little I put in place things and started to feel better about myself. I was able to be without a woman for 18 months and then I met my new wife.
I felt able to love, to hold my own, to be real and not need her.
I realise now that being married I am now beginning to do feel the same lack of confidence in our couple. I am a little jealous of her, I complain that she is not affectionate enough, I want to be alone with her all the time, I want sex and intimacy regularly.
It seems that I’m back to where I was before, back to low self confidence… and I know the path back to the person I can be is long and hard … I was beginning to wake up to this, to take the responsibility of the my feeling as my own problem. And this article has helped me see that I need to work on my own self confidence to either save the couple I am in with my wife, that I love enormously, or to prepare for the after and rebuilding and preparing for a great long term couple.
In any case thanks for this article and the feedbacks, it gives me the courage to start re-building the inner me … again …

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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