Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart

Breakups are emotional roller coasters. Actually that’s not true. If a breakup was anything like a roller coaster the end would be visible from the start, you could say ‘no thanks’ to the ride and at the end of it, for a hefty sum the memory could be savoured forever with a flimsy cardboard-framed photo.

Breakups are are more like being under a roller coaster. 

Before we knew the science we knew the feeling, and used words associated with physical pain – hurt, pain, ache – are used describe the pain of a relationship breakup. Now we know why. The emotional pain of a breakup and physical pain have something in common – they both activate the same part of the brain

Brain scans of people recently out of a relationship have revealed that social pain (the emotional pain from a breakup or rejection) and physical pain share the same neural pathways.

In one study, 40 people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup had their brains scanned while they looked at pictures of their exes and thought about the breakup. As they stared at the photos, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up.

[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]

As explained by researcher Ethan Kross, ‘We found that powerfully inducing feelings of social rejection activate regions of the brain that are involved in physical pain sensation, which are rarely activated in neuroimaging studies of emotion.’

He continues, ‘These findings are consistent with the idea that the experience of social rejection, or social loss more generally, may represent a distinct emotional experience that is uniquely associated with physical pain.’

In further support of the overlap between physical and social pain, Tylenol (an over the counter medication for physical pain) has been shown to reduce emotional hurt.

Research has found that people who took Tylenol (an over-the-counter medication for physical pain) for three weeks reported less hurt feelings and social pain on a daily basis than those who took a placebo.

The effect was also evident in brain scans. When feelings of rejection were induced, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up in participants who didn’t take Tylenol. Those who took Tylenol showed significantly less activity in that part of the brain.

Nobody is suggesting that the broken hearted turn to pain medication to reduce their lean towards Kleenex, Baskin-Robbins and repeated viewings of Love Actually. Long term use will cane the liver. Somebody else is waiting to fall in love with you, but you and your liver have to stay friends forever.

The Physical Side of a Broken Heart

The human brain loves love. Being in love takes the lid off the happy hormones, dopamine and oxytocin, and the brain bathes in the bliss. But when the one you love leaves, the supply of feel good hormones takes a dive and the brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine.

[irp posts=”1042″ name=”Letting Go: How to Master the Art”]

In small doses, stress hormones are heroic, ensuring we respond quickly and effectively to threat. However in times of long-term distress such as a broken heart, the stress hormones accumulate and cause trouble. Here’s what’s behind the physical symptoms of a breakup:

  • Too much cortisol in the brain sends blood to the major muscle groups. They tense up ready to respond to the threat (fight or flight). However, without real need for a physical response the muscles have no opportunity to expend the energy.

    Muscles swell, giving rise to headaches, a stiff neck and that awful feeling of your chest being squeezed.

  • To ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system.

    This can cause tummy trouble such as cramps, diarrhea or appetite loss. 

  • When stress hormones run rampant, the immune system can struggle, increasing vulnerability to bugs and illnesses.

    Hence the common ‘break-up cold’.

  • There is a steady release of cortisol.

    This might cause sleep problems and interfere with the capacity to make sound judgements 

  • Breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction.

    Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it’s hard to function – you ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and can’t get him/her out of your head. Like any addiction, this will pass.

In a relationship, your mind, your body and the core of you adjust to being intimately connected someone. When that someone leaves, the brain has to readjust. The pain can be relentless but eventually the body chemistry will change back to normal and the hurt will diminish.

Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier. Keep going. You’ll get there.

516 Comments

Tiffany

I’ve been reading through some of your articles about recovering from a breakup and am finding them to be so helpful. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago and although it was a mutual decision, and although our relationship had been slowly and rather messily dying for quite a while…and although we’re both in our 40s and this is not a new experience for either of us…the actual end of it all has been agonizing.

I’ve spent the weekend trying to do things…I weeded the yard, went out for brunch with some female friends, baked some bread…but most of the time I’ve spent lying on my bed and listening to an audio book I’ve already heard dozen times before. It’s comforting, and that’s fine, I guess, but I’m neurotic about being productive, even on my days off, and I can’t…do…anything. I’m just lying here, letting time go by.

I feel guilty about that, which is ridiculous, I know, but still…I keep telling myself it’s okay, that it’s kind of like being sick. Because it does feel like that. My whole body hurts. It’s hard to breathe. The crying jags are like stomach flu…I can feel it building up, when it comes it’s completely incapacitating, and when it’s over, I feel a little better, for a while, until the next one. If only this were just a 24-hour bug.

I know we did the right thing. This is not even close to my first breakup and I know it gets better. But in the moment…god, it’s a nightmare, and it’s hard to imagine ever feeling whole again. Someday…

Anyway…thank you for all the wonderful articles. For me, making sense of something is a huge part of dealing with it. That, and the validation is comforting…a reminder that I’m not crazy or whatever, it’s a normal response to a genuinely traumatic situation.

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Karen Young

Tiffany you are so welcome. I’m so pleased the articles are helping. Breakups are awful and there is no easy way to move through them. You sound clear and strong – and NOT at all crazy! Your heart body and mind are adjusting to a traumatic experience. You sound as though you are doing all of the right things to move yourself through this process as gently and as lovingly as you can. Keep going. There will be and end to the pain.

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Mayra Nava

I recently lost my boyfriend to suicide two weeks ago.

I have a long distant job in Nevada, where I have limited service my boyfriend of 7 intense months is from Colorado and was very supportive and we knew communication and trust were key in the relationship.

we both were secure on the fact that we would never cheat on each other and that communication would be difficult.

The last week before he took his life, he was very sad that I was not able to be on the phone with him, he was just enrolling in college again and getting a new job. We had talked on the phone and he would always think that I did not have enough time for him. I would tell him I cared and that my job was very stressful and demanding. I too was getting irritated with him and had no realization how sad he really was about this.

finally on the night of his suicide, we had video chatted on the phone he asked me if i was cheating on him and I was not. I then got irritated and decided I was not going to talk to him until the next day. He kept calling and texting me frantically. I was annoyed and upset and didn’t want to deal with his high emotions until he calmed down. He called one last time I called him a creep, and that I was already in bed. He told me to tell him if we were still a couple, I told him I see him back in Denver at the end of the season. I also told him to stop calling me and that I would talk to him at a later time.

I regret everything and not being able to tell him I love him one last time. Maybe if I said this to him he wouldn’t of taken his life. His heart was broken he was in so much pain.

I never knew he was depressed, we had been in heated arguments before although not long distance.

any thoughts sorry for the heavy story just trying to wrap my mind around this still.

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Olivia

I’m really wishing you the best Marya, I’m only coming across this article today and your story. I just wanted to tell you if you ever come back to read this that it wasn’t your fault and I’m truly wishing you lots of happiness and peace.
Olivia

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Michael

The last time I had my heart broken was when I was eighteen-years-old. I am forty-two now, and have not had a broken heart since. I like reading posts by people who have a broken heart, it reassures me that I made the right choice in staying to myself all these years. Once was enough for me.

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Eliza

Hello, I’m a Senior in High School, and I fell in love for the first time this school year. My break up story isn’t as tragic as most people, but it still hurts my heart at times when think about it.
It has been about 2 months since the break up when I decided to call it off. He told me that he was indecisive about how he feels about me- that he does love me, but at the same time, he feels that there are other options as well. Hearing that broke my heart, and made me feel so low about myself.
As each day passes, I feel more empowered as I go down the journey of finding self-love, but at the same time, a piece of me is still stuck with him.
I see him everyday, but once this school year ends, we will be going to different uni’s and our ties will be cut.
A part of me doesn’t want that to happen in fear of returning back to the loneliness that I felt before I met him and became close with him. I try to be his friend, but at times he says that he’s still confused about how he feels, and these conversations just make my head spin. I miss him when he’s not around, but whenever we are together he always seems to find a way to bring me down. Yet, his hugs are incomparable and I miss his very presence when I don’t hear from him.
Why is it that I still miss him and yearn for him when he brings me a lot of pain? Why is it that one day I feel as though things are going to be okay and that I am finally moving on, but then the next day hits me like a brick?
Please, any advice or suggestions to help detangle this mess in my head would be much appreciated!

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Karen Young

Breakups are painful and it doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long you have been going out – if it was someone you cared deeply for, a breakup can hurt your heart in a way that can feel devastating for a while. Every relationship you have is preparing you for the one that will be so good for you, and so right for you. I wish none of us had to learn our relationship lessons through breakups, but it is also through these experiences that you will learn what works, what doesn’t, and the type of relationship that will help you grow. In the meantime though, it can feel awful. You still miss him because you are adjusting to a new normal, one where you know what life is like with him, but where you are learning to adjust to your life without him. This will happen. You will find a new normal and it will be rich and full and wonderful. Give it time, spend time with people who care about you and be patient. I wish there was another way, but it’s just time. Here is an article that might help you, particularly the comments from others who have been where you are https://www.heysigmund.com/dear-broken-hearted-one-when-youre-in-the-thick-of-a-break-up/. Know that you will get there and your heart will feel whole again. Give yourself time and be gentle to yourself.

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mary

i knew of someone whose heart was broken, his girlfriend was with him the night before, left in the morning and go marry someone else. The guy was told and went to the church to see his girlfriend getting married. He returned to his home. lock his door was unable to speak and walk and ended up hospitalized for two months, he had to learn how to walk and talk. Anyone able to explain this phenomenon please

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Emma

My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me 5 days ago, forcing me to move out to my parents house in the suburbs and live out of boxes. Our last conversation was extremely intense–3 hours laying in bed next to each other, not touching or looking at one another and staring at the ceiling while crying. I’ve never seen him cry before. He told me he started feeling like he didn’t love me halfway through our relationship and hid those feelings from me for 3 years. Our lives were so intertwined. We did everything together and shared all of the same friends. Our place was the meeting spot for all of our friend hangouts and parties. We experienced the end of college, several job changes, many world travels. The last time I was single, I was technically a child. Now I am 28 and have no idea how to live my life without him by my side. I haven’t slept well nor had much of an appetite. I feel nauseous all the time. Even worse, I have Stage 0 Cervical Cancer (I was given this diagnoses 6 days ago) and I’m so worried that this will hurt my immune system and prolong my treatment, which will make my ability to get pregnant very slim in the future. I’m trying very hard to keep my head high but I can’t escape all of the memories we made for most of my 20s. They were the happiest of my life until he told me most of them were a lie. The worst is imagining him with another girl. He’ll probably be ready to date earlier than me and I can’t avoid him forever because we are in the same social circle. I have a very supportive network of family, friends and coworkers. I try to stay busy so I don’t become depressed. I joined a Crossfit gym. I’m trying my best to stay strong but I feel like I am dying inside and out.

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Vicky

I broke up with a man in Sept. He didnt treat me the way I wanted to be treated so I stopped seeing him. Id been seeing him for a year and a half. I found out on Fri he was getting married this Sat. He has met and married someone less than year after I broke up with him. Im sick to my stomach. I dont know why Im so upset.

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KateA

Vicky, I am right there with you. I broke up with my boyfriend in October because I was sure we couldn’t make each other happy even though on paper we were perfect for each other. A week ago someone told me he was in a relationship and really happy (despite me trying to shield myself from any knowledge of him) and I have been literally sick to my stomach, every night and morning, and then a headache all day. All week long.This is ridiculous.

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Darcy

I am a 60 year old woman with an amazing life, friends and job. I have been divorced for 5 years and never thought I would fall in love again. I decided to open my heart to the possibility and I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I gave myself permission to stop being so body contentious. And then it happened and I fell very very hard. Physically and emotionally in love like I never had before. I felt so lucky that I had taken this risk. He broke up with me and now I feel actual physical pain. It has been a week and I am still shaking. I have spent lots of time with friends and family appreciating their love and their understanding of my grief. I think a big part of my pain is that I see the rest of my life void of this joy I felt. For many reasons I will likely not meet another guy who will mean this much. I just lost my chance to feel loved in this way. Its a very very sad reality.

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Hope

Darcy,

I really do feel your pain. Our situations are very similar. I got divorced 4 1/2 years ago, after 33 years of marriage. That was hard, but I got over it and met someone three years ago. I fell in love. We made lots of future plans. I put my house on the market and was going to join him at his retirement home as soon as mine sold.

We broke up last month. He left for his home, which is many states away. The roller coaster of emotions I have felt has been unbelievable. I go from grief to anger to regret to anxiety to sadness and back again, over and over. I have friends and family, but I act to them like I’m doing fine (with the exception of one close friend.)

I guess, the worst of it is what you are expressing. I don’t think there will be anyone else for me. I am looking at growing old alone. I was looking at having joy-filled golden years (for lack of a better term). Now all of that is dashed. My house is still on the market. I don’t know where I will go when it sells.

I am five weeks out, and I can tell you week one was the worst. I am slowly recovering. I don’t think about him every minute of everyday anymore, and that’s a bit of a relief. The pain, the squeezing in the chest, and the tears have subsided, but the emotional roller coaster continues.

I try to stay busy. I think what Sue has posted is good advice. No contact is best. Any kind of contact, through social media or directly, will set you back. It was hard for me to accept that it is over, but it is definitely over. I deleted his speed-dial number from my phone just yesterday, and yes, I cried when I did it. The finality of it or something.

Also being kind to yourself, as Sue mentioned, is a good idea. I have read that water is good for grief. Baths with some baking soda and apple cider vinegar are said to help rid the body of toxins, emotional and physical. Swimming is probably the best – exercise to flush the toxins out and water to wash it away.

And then there is hope. I think we stand a better chance, for a brighter future, if we take care of ourselves.

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anu

my long term boyfriend broke up with me a month ago.we were together for 5 years.and all of my mid 20’s spent wd him.in 3 months he is getting married to someone else. he dint even gave second thought abt me.but saying reasons as his parents will never agree for this marriage.all these 5 years i hoped one day he will propose one day he ll see me as im seeing him.i got pregnant twice in this 5 years.we did abortion and all.yea i understand just because someone got pregnant doesnt mean tehy sld get married.but how come he was able to move on.that was his baby too.and i have gone thru all the pain alone.we are normal middle class family from india.we were from different state.how i was thinking all along a happy future with him? and he saw a different picture.apart from loving him inside out i didnt do any mistake.i have never even talked wd some other guy when we wre gng out.my whole world was that guy.i lost my appetite,lost sleep,its been so many days dat i have eaten a proper meal.now im 29 that makes things difficult for me to get married and i cldnt think of myself in any other man’s arms or kissing him or place him in my future.when i think of the past im feeling nauseated,panic attack something like that.not able to focus on work.my all question is how and why u cldnt fight with ur parents to marry me.is that all im worth of?suddenly wre i ll go.he was my world for me never thought he cld hurt me this much. and he justify each of his action.i will never b able to smile anymore or think of even in being love.no guy had ever taken some steps for me. feeling like used not loved

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Imani

My friend and I kissed once and then a week or so later decided to date for a month and see if anything was there. I fell for him and he didn’t I guess. I fell hard, I would bring him small gifts like treats to bring up his mood when he’s sad, tea when he was sick for awhile, helped him with homework and even wrote an essay for him at one point because he was so busy. I realize I was probably over bearing. He’s a really kind person and told me I wasn’t his type and that he didn’t really have time for a relationship, but I feel like that second part was just to spare my feelings…he still wanted to be friends. Several weeks later we became friends with benefits, nothing too extreme and we’ve only had an encounter like that a few times and we are still really comfortable with each other and we are great friends, but then I saw him talking to his ex and he said he’s just going with the flow and they’ll see what they want out of this and that if he were seriously pursuing a girl he’d tell me and we’d stop what we are doing. I believe him, I know him well enough. But I know he hangs out with her and sometimes doesn’t explicitly tell me to spare my feelings and I just respect him and even told him to go for her because I think he still likes her, but then my chest gets so tight and constricted. When I’m alone and in bed I cry because I know I’m young but I really did like him. I’m wound up pretty tight because I get nervous and I tried to be more relaxed like he was and how he encouraged me to be, but I didn’t mind that we were different because i liked him and we weren’t polar opposites I don’t think. I can still be friends, all I want is to not hurt like this anymore; I don’t want this tightness in my chest, these tears, I want to be okay with him going back to his ex girlfriend, I feel I need to be prepared for that, but it hurts and I just feel so stupid for once again feeling like I have a chance with a guy again. They always say I’m great, I know attractiveness isn’t an issue, and I’m smart, but I’m never anyone’s first choice. Even though I know I’m going to find someone and that this isn’t finite, exercise and putting myself first isn’t working. I can’t handle this heart break it hurts so much. I think about him everytime I wake up and every time I go to sleep and I don’t want to anymore because I know he doesn’t and won’t ever care for me that way, he shows all the signs. Sorry this is long.

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Mary

Hi–all the with it psychologists are going to tell u that nobody else can hurt you–you only hurt yourself by taking it personally. But people do need each other & when you are left behind whether it be a lover or best friend or family –or you are no longer 1st choice when you were for awhile–it can shake you up bad for awhile. I’ve done the crying & heavy exercise & it helps–but the only thing that really really helps me is imagining your heart is attached by a cord to your lost one & pull the cord out of your heart and throw it very far away from you–just keep doing it everyday & try to go out a lot on new adventures with new friends 🙂 Just keep trying to raise your energy levels 🙂

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Nicole

Reading about what others have gone thru has been helpful. Just to know I’m not alone hello helps. My fiance broke up with me a week ago and up until now I’ve been in denial. I woke up crying and feeling empty and alone. I know that I need to go thru this process to heal but am just wondering how long it’s healthy to give into this process. Right now I would prefer to just climb under the covers and cry for week. I guess the constant questions in my head will be there for awhile but it’s hard when someone promises the world but delivers me my heart in shattered pieces. I know I deserve better. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Surely all our friends are over us talking about the ex nonstop. Here’s to moving on with grace and lots of tears.

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Nancy L.

Kimberly I feel really sad that you haven’t been able to move on after five plus years. I think the only thing for you would be a life changing experience to get him out of your mind. Perhaps putting yourself through a degree program, going on a long trip, joining a busy organization, etc.
As for myself, I have been confused because my feelings of break up have been quite bizarre. I am hurting every day because the guy I started dating 3 months ago, totally engaged with me at the beginning and the 20 years we have known each other was the major connection I had with him. After a while I started asking him to give me a little more of his time since it was just once/twice a week that we’d meet and he was skipping on that gradually too. I know he has been totally into me but because of his personal, ex and family and work pressures, he has given me the cold shoulder saying that I have been bugging him too much and he needs space so I did jus that cold turkey! Who knows he could have a women on the side as well…
So I pulled away and I am in pain and think about him every hour of the day. I also evaluated his behavior and realized he wasn’t really treating me well to begin with and have tried to convince myself to move on. But I know it will be tough because in my eyes no one will measure up to him. He is the perfect package for me… I have been so honest with him too as I don’t like to play games.
I am not some low life and have accomplished a lot for him to treat me as though I am very insignificant part of his life. He has been bluffing too. He has shown a deep attachment to me in every way yet fighting his own ideals (I think) that I am not educated enough for him and I have kids, etc. as he is a surgeon and he deserves perhaps a young doctor or someone of that caliber as a partner. Our connection has been out of this world for both of us admittedly. But that is not enough for him I guess…. 🙁
I have decided to get busy somehow maybe go to law school (a long term desire) so I will never have time to think about this stuff and demonstrate to him that I can… Your suggestions are appreciated.

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lynne

these are hard reading..its sad to think that all of this pain is generated in the mind…your body isn’t broken you just ‘feel’ bashed..your heart isn’t broken it just feel that it must be ..but it really isn’t… its all hyped up in your mind..we talk ourselves into feeling we are hurting and what you think about comes about.
if you saw a fire burning in the corner of your room you wouldn’t sit and watch it, you’d jump instantly into action and try and put it out or get out of the room but you wouldn’t sit and burn…your mind is the same don’t let it simmer and burn…get out!!! fill the mind with anything that makes you feel good and we can all find lots and lots…
honestly the only thing that is hurt is your ego…you are still intact complete and living…xx

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Mark

My lover of four years broke up with me 8 days ago. The emotional and physical pain has been building over the days as I come to terms with this rejection. I normally have a low resting heart rate but it’s been running 20-30 BPM higher than normal and my BP has been well over 130 over 90. All a bit scary, especially given the pain in my chest. I’ve tried meditation to calm down but it hasn’t been working very well. It’s been really tough to focus on work. I’ve never suffered this emotional stress before. Really tough

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Kimberly

Does anyone still struggle to get over a relationship that ended years ago? If so, was it a long term one, like 3 years or more?

It’s been just under 5 years and 2 months since my ex and I broke up, and despite my best effort, I am still hopelessly in love with him and cannot seem to let go and move on. I’ve even dated other guys, one to for over a year who I thought I could love,but my mind always drifts off to thinking about him, all the time, constantly, and not even intentionally or on a conscious level. I think part of the reason why is because he was my first real love and long term relationship, in addition to the fact that we were together for 5 1/2 years, 3 of which we lived together. I was 22 and he was 26 when we became girlfriend and boyfriend, and broke up a week after I had turned 28. I just… well, it’s exhausting to always be mourning the loss of our relationship yet still hoping maybe there’s a chance or there could be. I I know it might sound crazy or silly, but I can’t help it, I miss him so much. If anyone has any advice or has/is gone through a similar experience, I’d greatly appreciate any suggestions on how to finally let go and begin enjoying my life. Thank you. XO

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Linda

You need to love yourself! Stop hurting yourself, by thinking of what could have been! Sweetheart, it’s time to see a counselor, to help you move on….. He is not worth your pain! You have your whole life ahead of you. As of now, please let go and let God! You deserve happiness. HAPPINESS, mind you!!,! So as of now, let go and love yourself. Be happy u deserve it hun, stop being his prisoner. Break free and run for freedom and happiness. Your stronger than you think! Best of luck to you sweetie. You will get through this heart ache rather you like it or not! ?

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L

Hey Kimberly,

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through, it is such a painful situation.
It sounds kind of mean but let me explain what I mean by this – I was really happy when I scrolled down and read your comment! This is because I am going through a very similar thing to you. Most of the comments or information on the internet seems to discuss recent breakups and it’s quite hard to find anything about long term breakups and the process of still getting over someone years later – which is even more disheartening because it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you and you’re beyond help. So to see one person who is going through something similar made me feel slightly less of a loner! Me and my ex broke up two years ago in December 2014. For about nine months after that we were still close and at some points were intimate but that all came to a close when I went off to uni in the September. We had been together since I was fifteen and he was my first real love and my first everything really. I really see that relationship with him as interwoven with my journey into adulthood if you know what I mean? I feel like I evolved from a teenager to a woman in that time period and he really defined a huge part of my most important young years and I find it so hard to escape that. When I started uni and I had had about nine months to accept that I would be moving towns away from him I was very relaxed and okay about the fact that I was probably leaving behind the potentiality of having a relationship with him. At the time he was more hung up on me and told me he had decided to move on in about November (to which I thought I had done) but for the last year and a half I have become so mournful of our relationship and his place in my life. Every day he will cross my mind and so many things remind me of him still to this day even though I haven’t actually seen him for a year and three months. I can’t stop thinking about him. We don’t speak as he is in a new relationship and although we are friendly, I feel that he would see it as complicated if we were friends. I don’t feel that I can tell anyone I feel this way about him because everyone expects and thought I was over it. I think our situation is so difficult. I definitely think loving yourself and spending time to remember what it is about you that makes you so valuable to the world is important. Doing things for you and nobody else. I find it hard to suggest because I am in this predicament and would also love a way out haha! I think part of it is accepting that you will always love this person and understand that is the truth of your connection to them. But to realise that that doesn’t necessarily mean they belong in your life or to you. I have always known that I would always love him, I feel that about anyone in my life that I have loved. But particularly with him, I wish I could tell him how I feel or find some reassurance that he at least still values me as an important person in his life but I wouldn’t ever tell him that as I respect his relationship with this new person. I think it’s just nice to remember that all the good times with that person do exist, just because they are in the past, that does not diminish their importance. I feel like sometimes your present is so different to your past and you know so little about that persons daily life now that you question whether it really happened, it sometimes feels like you fabricated it all. But you did not. What you had was real and valid and beautiful. But sometimes what we love is not constant in our lives. So we must love ourselves more and continue to find more meaningful causes and people to spread our love to. I’m sorry if this was ridiculously long! Kimberly if you have any response to this or want to share any of how you’ve been feeling to someone who seems to be in a similar place please feel free! And anyone else for that matter x

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Tina

I feel if u still love him u need to tell him. Sometimes men are cowards who cares how he feels. You are doing this for you. He is not married yet I feel that is saying something so I’m saying you have the green light. You need to see for yourself. You are that important to put your heart out there. If he decides he wants to continue his life with out you then so be it that is his loss the he will have to live with. Then you will have your closure you need to love someone one else with a whole heart. It may sound crazy, but if I was you l would let him break what was left of your heart if that was meant to be. The truth is he is going to help you one way or the other. True love or closure. Get him girl. You are standing now when this is done you will be standing even taller. He is not married he is fair game if he was married then I would agree to respect it but, no he is fair game it is time for you to heal. It sounds like your feeling are real acknowledge them one last time. Then if it doesn’t work out walk out of his life forever. Your mind is smart if he acts a fool you will never look at him the same way. Then you will be free to enjoy every minute sharing it with someone else trust me. The topic should be not getting him back but getting closure for you cause you are worth it. If he acts a fool the other girl can have him. You want the man you remembered who made you put your self out there if he is not there to sweep you off your feet girl return that fool back to his owner, cause that was not what you ordered.

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Scorpio

That happened to me 30 years ago ! Here’s how it went for me. There has never been another coupling that felt like that. The next one was different ! I embraced different and it was good. See the thing is, they are all different and they are all a gift. Accept that you achieved something wonderful – special -meaningful and carry THAT gift with you into your future. The mystery and wonder of Creation. No two creations are ever the same. When you’re with someone and your thinking back – it’s time to move forward again. Honoring and accepting feels very different from wishing and hoping. Feel blessed – because girl ? you’ve got it ! Look what you were able to create ! The next guy ? he has a whole new set of parameters for you to work with and now you’ve had practice. Create ! ….love. God loves love in the world.

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Cathrene Brisco

I myself am going through a similar situation. I was with my ex for almost 10 years and im the one who called it quits. He had a couple of new addictions which left me feeling like i just wasnt enough. I started seeing someone soon after and continued to date him for over a year. It never became anything more than dating because i couldnt get over my love for my ex. Even though i adored this new man even felt like i had fallen in love. I just always had my ex and the way he used to love me always in the back of my mind. I truly felt as if it really is posssible to love two people at the same time. I was dissappointed with myselffor the feeling i had because they were so unrealistic; i wanted parts of both of them put into one perfect man.
Just recently, 3 days ago to be exact, i went and picked up my ex and brought him to my house. This was after finding out that the man i was dating was dating someone else too. So both men left me feeling as if i will never be enough. Anyways, even after more than a year, my ex is still very much in love with me and wants to try again, but even though i went and picked him up, i really miss the one i was dating. What the crap is wrong with me? When im with one i miss the other and vise versa. Love is an evil trick our mind plays on us. Maybe i just dont know what love is even though i am turning 37 in a week and already a grandma. I just am very confused and know im going about this all wrong.
So theres my crazy story. I understand how a love for someone can stay even after more than a year. Hopefully youll see there are others who have this great love that makes them crazy and lasts forever. Sirry your heart hurts so. I wouldnt wish the pain on my enemy. Stay strong!

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Wen

It’s been almost 5 months since my ex left me for another women.. Twenty years younger than myself..
It hurts and still hurts.. it’s not him I want back it’s the attention he gave to me… I miss being someone’s special… Someones person that thinks about me when I wake up go to sleep finish work… I miss being important to someone else… I want that back.. my heart hurts my whole world just sucks right now.. I’ve tried everything but honestly nothing really works… I think it’s just life it’s stops hurting when it stips hurting… I give up..

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Don’t give up. I know the pain of this feels as though it is never going to end, but it will. Your mind, body and spirit are adjusting to a new normal and this takes time. I completely understand that it’s not a normal you want to adjust to right now, but this will change. You will find a way through this, and when you do, you will be ready for the one who will give you attention, think about you, miss you when you aren’t around. Your ex isn’t the only person who could give this to you. There is somebody out there who wants to be all of these things to you. He’s just waiting for you to find him, which you will, but first, this is your time to heal.

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Athena

My break up story has been an unpleasant one as well. I met a greek american guy and myself, being greek in Greece fell in love with him. I visited him, he came in the summer and then spent 3 months there with him only to get dumped a week after I got back and having sent the christmas presents for him and the family (for which I never received a thank you). The thing is that this person was making plans with me that included marriage, however the parents weren’t agreeing. He obviously didn’t want to pursue it anymore since he didn’t receive the support and thus dumped me by saying he knows what whe had, it was true but we are done. The hardest part is thinking that a week ago he was saying how much he misses me and loves me. There were many signs that he wouldn’t keep his word yet I ignored them because… I was in love. I got treated in a very harsh way and for a week I was crying at least 4 times per day, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. It is so disappointing how some people just can’t think outside of the limits they put to themselves and it’s also more sad how insecure unstable people say words like love and forever and marriage only to act like cowards and cold blooded killers. I am still trying to get over the fact that I made dreams with someone that didn’t even want to try it out and preferred to cut me off like that

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Val

My story is similar and I knw how much it hurts. I am not given even a reason why ? I just know his mother said no. I don’t want to love a man who can’t stand for himself. But fuck this love. It jus happens to screw us.

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Keysha

Just got heart broken by my first love it’s the worst thing ever we were together when I was 16 and finally came back to each other 16 years later I loved this man he was the love of my life it hurts so bad I can’t keep trying and crying it’s going to be hard I love me and I do all for me go out eat dinner I just don’t understand I’m a good woman never cheated I did nothing he went got this ugly girl and left all he keep saying is sorry it just happened I’m done I don’t want him I just want him to feel my pain

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Sue

Hi Andy

There is more.

I nursed a very broken heart about 3 years ago after my lover found someone new. A long story but he needed to meet someone free like her and he did and from that moment on, he was unavailable to me on every level. He would not take my calls, he would walk across the street to avoid me and more. It was gut wrenching, sickening and I felt as if my entrails were dragging behind me (to paint a very bleak picture). I was a sad and sorry mess and cried daily for about 6 months.

As this was all happending, I chose to take care of myself. I stopped drinking, ate healthy food (when I could eat), walked, started meditating and fell in love with me. It was wonderful and I am still reaping the benefits of this very special time. It was special in hindsight but at the time – ugh.

No contact works and if she is meant to be your partner, you will hear from her. Please do not chase her. She is not available and made that clear to you at the end of November. Start looking at you as your best friend and companion. So desirable for future lovers if that is the way you will go.

Much care to you

Sue

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Andy

Sue –

Thank you for your note. It’s 11 days since my first post, and I’ve done what you suggested. I’ve focused on me. I bought myself some new clothes, shoes and a winter coat. I’m letting my beard grow out a bit (but still in a presentable sort of way). I’ve bought some art to put on the one blank wall in my apartment. I’ve exercised all but one day since she broke up with me, and that was due to a medical procedure.

As I’ve focused on me, the pain over her has gone away. As I’ve gotten more confident, the pain has gone away. It’s still there and will be there for a while, but it’s significantly less than it was last week, when I couldn’t even talk to my parents about her. I did have several good cries in there as well.

I am challenged in that my normal route takes me by her apartment building at least twice a day. So – I altered my route. I know she unfriended me on Facebook, but I can honestly say I haven’t searched for her since. I could be blocked. Who knows?

I know what went wrong, but I can’t get all the good times out of my head given how recent they were. The good news is that when I talk to her, I’m going to be calm, confident, and ready for me to step away. She’s going to see a different person. I hope to talk with her in mid-January. We’ll see.

I’m getting very philosophical. If it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be.

Thanks for the encouragement,

Andy

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Dave

Hi Andy

please can you give an update. Did you recover from these feelings? Did you have regrets about how you acted in the relationship, that went over and over in your mind? Are you in a better place now? How long did it take?
Any advice is most welcome

thanks
Dave

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Joe

Sue, that is a very sweet reply on your part. I too am dealing with a breakup and second your advice.

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Precious

I am a big loner and have trust issues, no friends and my ex was my one and only my friend. I don’t really know if I loved him because when we were together I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach or feel differen. I just felt even sadder than I was before he came. I didn’t trust him one bit. He always talked about his and I listened but I don’t think he cares about me either. I just feel like he sees me as a problem bringer because I always told him my problems too just to feel comfort…now am alone again. I talk to myself quite a lot. I don’t really want to get close to another person because am scared🤦

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Andy

Hi there. I’m sitting here at work Googling “How to Get Over the Pain of a Breakup” and landed here. I have all the muscle tightness and even the post-breakup cold.

My girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me just five days ago, and the pain, albeit abating somewhat, has been awful. The conversation we had is such a blur, that I don’t remember good chunks of it. I have been relatively good though, only sending her one text wishing her a good weekend last night (no response) and no more contact. I don’t want to beg or snivel, but I would like to fight.

The end of the relationship, I think is 80% on me. I smothered her. She used the word “exhausting.” That primarily describes the time when we are apart. She’s a mom of an 8, 10, and 13 year old and has a very stressful job. My two kids are older and off at college. So I have more free time, and I know I was “demanding” time from her that she didn’t have. I know in my heart and my head how important being a mom is and that I should have left her alone more. But – at the same time, I spent a decent amount of time with her kids, including a weekend camping trip. The signals were mixed. In the break-up discussion, she even said that we were great when we are together.

There are two other key points. First, she does not like to talk on the phone or do video chat. So we are left to texting and, as you all know, texting can be misinterpreted. Second, she is afraid of taking on the responsibility of my bipolar illness. It’s not severe and the medication works wonders.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to fight? I can’t just walk away. Sunday (two days from now) is one week. I plan to text her after her kids go to bed and ask if I can call. When I talk to her, I’m to ask her to meet in person to talk. I also plan to ask her to join me for an already planned social event the following Saturday. If the talk doesn’t work, then I’ll walk away for at least 30 days.

I know this is getting long – but one other fact. Her best friend doesn’t like me. I’m not supposed to know that. Her best friend pushed her (at least somewhat) to do this.

Anyone with any thoughts on the best way to show her that I can change?

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Brooklyn

I am in the same boat. It feels debilitating. I have been with a wonderful, loving, caring man for the last year. He treated me better than I could have ever imagined. He worked a lot though, a lot of overtime and we worked opposite shifts. It was difficult for me, I felt like we didn’t have any real time together, and often voiced my displeasure with that. One too many times apparently. He was just done. Said the things that didn’t make me happy weren’t going to change and he saw no future for us. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t see it coming. I honestly thought he loved me.
My body has had such a negative reaction. I went for a counseling session the other day and she said I was suffering from Anxiety. I had a horribly stressful year as well, and this just pushed me over the edge. I started taking Lexapro and will continue counseling.
I just want to ask him why we couldn’t try to work this out. I love him enough to work on us and myself. I want him to love me enough to try.

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Tricia

“I want him to love me enough to try.” It seems he did love you enough, and he tried…in spite of his busy schedule.but if you were unhappy being in that relationship, which to him was the dominant feedback from his efforts, the only thing left for him to do was to love you enough to let you find your happiness – even if it had to be without him. I’m going through this realization right now after my girlfriend of 5 years broke off our relationship 4 weeks ago. I had started to suffer anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares due me worrying about our loosening communications and time spent “together” dwindling in our ( my anxiety is gone now, thank god) but,I wasn’t happy because our relationship wasn’t growing in a direction I thought WE wanted it to go. Instead, it stagnated…she could not fulfill my needs (although she tried her best, bless her heart and I love her for that) but I wasn’t going to give up on us. In hind-sight, I have to admit to myself that we weren’t compatible on many levels while she had to admit that she couldn’t love me enough to continue in our relationship. By doing so, she saved the friendship we did create within our relationship and I am grateful for that. I’ve been doing a great deal of soul-searching lately to find myself again only to realize I got lost in our relationship and even though it didn’t seem so to me, she did too…because I needed her to. I do miss her as my partner terribly like you miss your ex. The best thing to do now, is work on learning to get yourself back (you need you more than anyone else right now) and when you find yourself, hopefully you will discover that your time is worth so much more than waiting for someone to prove his love and commitment to you…which sounds like he tried, but his job was his #1 priority not because you aren’t worth his time, but because that’s where his focus was or is. He wants you to be happy and he knew that he couldn’t carry that responsibility of worrying about you while needing to focus on his duties at work. Know, that it isn’t your fault, though. You have needs, desires, and expectations that are consistent with what makes you feel whole and valued. You deserve to have them met by someone who has the capacity to be with you as much as you want to be with him. I hope one day you find that person after you have found your self’s desire to be with you too. Godspeed

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dannii

i met my boyfriend at a friends party and i fell head over heels for him we just broke up yesterday and my heart aches when i see him or when i think about him ive lost m apetite and i dont sleep i cry till there’s nothing left we have only been together for 3 days but it feels like we were together for years

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Batphink W

My ex Cathy didn’t have a lot of friends a bit like myself,we both knew lots of peopel but called few friends so became each other’s best friend.She had one friend in another town who had lost her husband and I encouraged Cathy to hang around and call the gril more.When we got a house around the corner from her friends,I noticed a change in our nearly 6 year relationship. We had a house warming party and my girl and her friend sat at a table and never socialized with all the others.Something was very wrong there,sometimes your girls friends are jealous because they are single and want to ruin your relationship.

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shanny

I am a 22 year old female, I just got out of a one year relationship. The things I am experiencing are little different. I left him one month ago, even though he didn’t wanted to end it.
We met each other one year ago,when I was doing some research on a project. I think the things that brought close was that we both were suffering from depression. I was self-destructing myself and so was he. The reasons were different for both of us, some guy broke my heart for the first time. For reason, he thought he could heal me. I confirmed that true never really existed in this world after my first broken relationship and an everlasting example of my parents disastrous marriage. I met him at the very dark point of my life, he also never believed in love as he never fell in love with anyone. He told me I never loved my ex-, I just surrendered because I was very desperate to find love in my life, as I have never seen true love. We got close everyday, as he fulfilled my weirdest wishes. We both are very bad expressing emotions. He lacked self-love and as each day passed by he grew scared that I would leave him someday. I told him I would never do that to reassure him every fourth day, until one month ago when I left him for good. I had to leave the town as my project was over, though we continued our relationship on phone.
He got very busy with his work, three months ago.He tried very hard to keep it together. Giving each other time was getting very difficult task to keep. He started cutting back on sleep and food just to give me enough time. His health started dropping, he used to get irritated over no reason,often mood swings. So, I thought to leave him myself because If I would have have told him to end it. He won’t give up, he would say let’s try this hard. SO, I found a way by insulting him, I told him that I would want a more successful and a very rich person in order to get married. I told him he can’t satisfy my needs right now. He lost his mind and was devastated. I let him endure it for few days, after that I thought he’ll start living his life without me. He won’t suffer anymore because of me. At first, I felt horrible and devastated, my panic attacks came back ..as I had them before I met him. But from a few days I feeling like really happy, like he is with me. I think of him every moment, I see him eating with me.. sleeping in his arms.. I don’t know If I am going insane..but I am happy… Am I really losing it?…

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Sam

I’m 18 and my ex bf just broke up with me 3 days before our 1 year but we have been best friends for a year and a half before we even dated. He broke up with me because he says he needs to put all his focus on himself make something of himself because he has always felt like he was never good enough for anything in his life and he wanted to change that but told me he still loves me and wants to be with me still but just can’t because he has to focus on his career. He said maybe down the road or within the two years he said we might get back together but it hurts so much because I always been a supportive gf always was going to stand by his side but for him to just leave me cut me off completely maybe never ever get to hug and hold him again it breaks my heart. He didn’t treat me that well during the relationship but I know he didn’t mean to treat me bad he would constantly bring up a really bad time in my past life but if hurt him as well and he always blamed me for it so he’s also leaving because he said he can’t be with someone when he feels like I broke his heart a long time ago. The whole situation is a lot and idk why but I really feel like I’m going to marry this man one day he’s my best friend the love of my life I could never imagine my life without him so him leaving me 4 days ago had destroyed me I feel dead and I’m scared to heal and move on just for him to turn around and ask for me back I want him back but at the same time i know that wouldn’t be good unless he matures and grows up and stop blaming me for something I didn’t do. I just don’t know what to do should I heal and move on or what do I do because if I don’t move on then what if he does and he doesn’t come back in two years and I just wasted my time. I just wish I knew exactly what’s going to happen but I don’t l, I’m also scared he’s going to want me back and I’ll be in a relationship with someone else or if I did a hook up or something that he won’t want me anymore. I just don’t know what to do. And if I should heal how do you do that

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Cat

Im 21 years old, yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me because of his anxiety thinking hes not goof enough for me.. We were about to move in together and suddenly he told me he cant continue and his feelings arent the same cause hes thinking he may hurt me. I told him I’d be patient with him no matter since we loved each other.. We met twice and we spent a generous amount of time together so i cant understand why hes acting this way. I didnt want to give up on him or our relationship and disappointed me cause i love him more than anything. I feel sick and try to forget but is impossible. He was the only person in my life i could trust and talk to and he betrayed me too..

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RJ

I feel the same way. I lost my best friend and love of my life. Its been three days now, but so sudden. He says he loves me still and wants to be in my life, but only as a friend as he is not cut out for the pressure of marraige life. Truth is after 2 years he proposed but no effort to blend our lives together and now I feel like change was too much for him. Besides all that. It was perfect. No one has ever loved me so selflessly and perfectly. Which makes it so much harder. We never ever fought. Ever. And now he just left im broken

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Emily

This has really hit a chord with me, I’m in the situation you were in right now! I can’t understand any of it and can’t process any of this

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Heartbroken shattered to pieces

I wonder if my ex feels any regret she was the best thing I’ve ever had. I knew she was the one the moment I met her I’ve never experienced the happiness this woman gave me. It was a complicated situation she just got out a 9yr relationship but the always kept in contact then over time she eventually told me they would agree to be friends and that they could explore new ppl. So when she met me she didn’t think she would fall in love with me and months pass I began to become more insecure she just wouldn’t let him go says she wish she could have both I said no but still stuck around I was in love and my insecurities grew more & more seeing flirtatious she was even tho she’s was honest about her ex & getting guys numbers so 1month ago had a bad argument over I felt that she liked one of best friends alittle just the way she acts differently and broke up with me sucks. She doesn’t want to speak to me at all I ran into her at a club we talked alittle nothing too deep she went home text me next day when I send how’s her day she says I’m not speaking to you don’t you remember that was a devastating blow I kinda thought once I saw her since 2.5 weeks passed that maybe she had a change of heart but nope. Just too many thoughts in my head knowing she’s out at these clubs meeting all these men she was originally the stay home girl never got a lot of attention and now she gets a lot she brought 1 guy to the club with her on a Monday night I go to with chances we could’ve ran into each other but she took a chance anyway I only knew that part a friend of mine told me and said I saw your girl she came with some dude said he has a fiancé but that fiancé lives in Puerto Rico like come on. Long message sorry just don’t know what to do but I guess no contact and hope I left some value and see that these club guys ain’t the way sad part is I would take her back so fast.

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Monika

Hello,

I read lots of articles like this one, but still cannot find peace for myself. Me and my ex (still crying called him ex) were together for almost two years, we moved together and lived for almost 1,5 year. At firs I lived in his flat, but later we find our flat, we rented it but still it was OURS. During these years we went through lots of difficulties, but we were so happy just being together. He always called me the most important person in the world for him, many times said to “as long as we are together we can overcome all difficulties” and many other things. And I really felt it, I felt he is saying the truth. I really loved him and still do. But just one night he came home and told me that his feelings just went away and he do not want to be together any longer. I tried to talk to him, I said him how much I love him and I feel that he is my only one, I cried and beg him. He said there no other girl, just he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. How is that possible? We had no argue or anything else. Just one day I was “the most important person in the world for him” and the next day his feeling are gone? We are broke up now for almost two moths and I feel like I’m dead. I’m working and going to the gym for 3 hours every day, but I lost my ability to study (I’m studying in master degree), I can’t sleep and eat and drive. I have so many dark thoughts about life and I feel like I’m tired of being alive. I have my family support and I found another flat for myself, but all I can do is just crying all the time and can’t stop asking God and fate what did I so wrong that I deserve tis pain. Please, explain me if you can because I’m just going crazy.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It sounds like one of the hardest things about this breakup is that it was so unexpected. This is an awful shock for you. Know that this doesn’t mean it was anything about you, but about the combination of you. For whatever reason, it sounds as though he felt he was on a different path. At some point, there will come an acceptance of this for you, where you will stop trying to make it make sense. Sometimes these things don’t. Let yourself grieve, and heal and when you are ready, open up to the possibilities that this ending has brought to you – because those possibilities will be there.

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Hilana

Hi I have been in a relationship for more than nine years he made the world so beautiful at the beginning and than he started taking me away from everybody and he started cheating on me with talking to other women on Facebook that’s cheating I think.every time I catch him he apologizes and started showing me how horrible he feels he kept on doing it over and over again until his excuses for what his doing because he caught me looking at I other man until one day I saw on other women in his house he said she’s only the cleaning lady I couldn’t handle seeing on other women in his house and since than I can’t see his face I’m so mad and hurt and I want to recover from him

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Mehmi

Hey, Don’t think you will see this reply but I am dealing with the exact same situation. Did you guys get back or did you move on?

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Celine D

it’s always there, i mean, the pain/hurt/ ache feeling or anything else you might call…
when you love someone with all you have, give them all of you, the love never disappear whatever happens – i believe.
only when you accept the truth that they chose their own path without you, only when you accept it, you now learn how to move on…. but the love is always there…
always there until you find peace (by accepting the truth & live your life happily) or when you fall in love with someone else.

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Bob

My girefried of 3 years broke up with me a month and a half ago. Her reason at first was she wasn’t sure she would want to marry me anymore but that she still loved me and was still attracted to me. Well I begged for her back for this past month and it went from her wanting to talk still to needing space and from her saying she wants it to work between us to it will never work. She threatened to block me even though she doesnt want to. I gave her space for a week and stupidly begged again and now im just going to leave her alone. She said recently that she still thinks about me all the time and is sad about the future we were suppose to have together. Her reasoning just before we stoped talking is now she wants to focus on school (just transferd to a very extensive program) and focus on herself. She said she’s realized through my begging she doesn’t want to be togeter. She says there is no one else but she made a lot of new friends at her school and is really close to this guy and he always seems to be around when she goes out. I never want to keep her from doing things and have always supported what she’s wanted to do. I want to spend my life with this woman and I would do anything for her. It breaks my heart I want my bestfriend back. All my friends say find someone new but I can’t even look at another woman without thinking of her and feeling like im cheating. I am beyond faithful and I don’t want to be with anyone else I feel 100% of me belongs to her and to us as a couple and im scared she truly means it will never work out. Im really close to her family and they all want me around and tell me she made a mistake leaving me and that doesn’t help either. I just want her to miss me.

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Julie

I’m sorry you are going through this . EspeciAlly this time of year when all around us we are reminded about Love, Family, togetherness. It was exactly one year ago I first posted on this thread . My fiancé of almost 4 years left me and I did all the same things you did . It didn’t help . I was devastated , couldn’t eat , sleep , the jury was physically and mentally unbearable . I couldn’t imagine the next hour , the next day , let alone a year I. The future . Well here I am . I decided to stop begging pursuing . I focused on my friends , my kids , getting rid of anything that reminded me of us as hard as it was. You don’t have to throw away just put away in a box and out of site. Stop talking to her family . Focus on what you do have and spend time healing your heart with things you loved besides her . I just wanted to know he missed me or thought of us . Well here it is a year later and two weeks ago I hit a text from him . Of course the woman he left me for , he denied still but I knew it was her , they broke up . He tells me leaving me was the hardest thing he ever did and hearing my begging at the time did nothing as he had already moved on , but he always thought of me . Through the this past year I thought of him , it got easier, some days is cry and wish for him back . Now hearing his voice I do feel comfort and excitement but I never want to feel that way again and surprisingly I’m not the same woman he left , I’m stronger , although I feel a bit vindicated I’m not naive he could walk out just as quick that’s why I’m keeping a big distance . You will feel better Bob , it takes time , and patience . When they leVe and run to another they don’t work on themselves , you work on you and eventually you’ll hear from her Again but trust me you won’t be the same , you’ll be stronger and if your lucky hVe someone new to love who wont make you beg . You got this ! Happy Thanksgiving

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Bob

Thanks for the reply. It’s really hard and I can’t find it in my heart to put the stuff away and to not talk to her. All of my really close friends moved away right before she broke up with me and I feel trapped with nothing to do. I know if it’s meant to be it will be and she will come back but im afraid of her being with someone in between. The nights are the worst when I feel the most alone. I just don’t know how to let go I’ve made it a week without talking to her and I slipped today and we talked it was the first holiday in 3 years we didnt spend together. Im afraid she will forget me and im afraid we will become just memores to each other and it hurts. Im in my final year of school and the stress of all that plus this is just too much im scared to let her go because I know what it will do to me and I cant afford to shut down right now.

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Shana

Last Friday, my boyfriend of four years broke my trust… once again. We have had a rollercoaster ride of a relationship, with both of us making mistakes, owning up to them and forgiving each other. Still wanting to make it work, for the love that we share. We both have children, he has a son who is seven and my daughter is 12. We do not live together and live about an hour away from each other. So weekends are usually when we are together, unless the other person has work or other engagements. What caused the breakup is that he went over to his sons mothers house around 1130pm on Friday night, to get custody papers signed. His sons mother abandoned him when he was 3 years old. I’ve grown to love him and become attached over the years. The purpose of the custody paper was to avoid court and this will allow him to file taxes with his son as his dependent. Long story short, he promised to call me once he left and had the paper signed. 3 hours went by and I heard nothing from him. At 3:30am he texted me this: “Baby I’m here I’m not doing nothing wrong. I love u” So I called him back immediately a few times, he didn’t pick up and no further texts were received. At 10:30am I get a phone call, him telling me he is just waking up, and getting defensive to my questions of where he was all night. At this point you may be thinking I’m a paranoid person? But with reason.. he cheated on me with her in the first year of our relationship. I just don’t understand why he can’t answer calls or texts when he is with this woman. I don’t deserve him to get up and step outside for one second, answer a call and put my mind at ease? There’s been doubts about whether he is the “right” guy for me but I DON’T doubt that I love this man. I get butterflies thinking of him, especially now that I ended the relationship. Its only been a week and Im questioning whether I’m walking away from something good, that will grow into something even better. Love is there. Communication is something we’ve been working on and getting better at. But trust, not so much.

Reply
K

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six years. We were supposed to get married and always be high school sweethearts. About a year ago he started drifting away. It became more and more difficult to be intimate with him or talk to him or even laugh with him. It always felt like something was wrong. Then, like three months ago he came home and randomly broke up with me. At first he said it was because he didnt love me anymore. Then he told me it was because he thought i was holding hands with his friend. So he took me to my parents house. The next day he told me he had cheated on my several times that year and then proceeded to say he only told me so i would tell him if i cheated. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Later that week he came back and said he was sorry and that he only broke up with me to make me change. Basically to manipulate me. A week and a half later I had made my decision. I knew I would never make him happy and he could never make me happy so I broke up with him. For real. He became violent and insane making threats and scaring me. Fast forward three months and hes texting me and saying it was all my fault he cheated and became distant and I was a horrible person for leaving him. It hurts everyday and I just want everybody to be happy. I need to know if its my fault, because I dont know what I did. It hurts soo bad.

Reply
Shana

He made a mistake and now he regrets it. If you love him and truly think he’s the one for you forgive him. From the sounds of it he is still immature when it comes to relationships. It’s never your fault if a guy cheats on you its entirely on them. Be strong and ask for clarity and guidance. The answer will come hopefully through intuition or a sign. Goodluck.

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cami

I’ve been in a stressful relationship with my “high school” sweetheart for about 7 years now. We dated officially from high school until about 2 years after we graduated, and we broke up because he was not faithful..and I was immature. Long story short I had trust and attachment issues that drove us apart and he claims in his head he ended things a while before I discovered he was seeing another women. The break up was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I felt mental and physical pain. I had trouble sleeping, and I lost a lot of weight. But I was also at a four year university at the time and had things to distract me…eventually the pain subsided.

My only issue now is that I CAN NOT seem to stop talking to him. We have never stopped talking…and are still physical at times. Since the first day I met him 7 years ago we have never really stopped communicating…even though we’ve both hurt each other. He got engaged to the women that he left me for, and he STILL sought out an emotional and physical relationship with me. He is able to make me compromise my Morales and put myself in positions that I never imagined I’d be in (such as having a relationship with an engaged man).

Recently he has claimed that the engagement is off and that I am part of the reason (he claims to still love me). I don’t want to be a typical naïve women who only thinks with her heart. And I’m not sure that I really believe that he is no longer with the women he left me for…or that he’ll ever truly commit to me again. But regardless I can not bring myself to stop talking to him because he has been a big part of my life.
He has been with me through changes, and life transitions from childhood to adulthood. Even at our worst moments he has NEVER stopped supporting me and pushing me to always be the best I can be. Although he has REALLY hurt me in the past and made me compromise my Morales, the odd thing is that he has also helped elevated me to be the person I am today. He challenges me in a way that I have not been able to find in any other man I’ve dated (and I’ve tried and failed to date since we broke up). My family and friends do not understand my attachment because they can only see the bad and the pain that he has caused me. They do not understand how much he has also HELPED me.

However, I do realize that any relationship with him rather platonic or more is holding me back from moving on and being completely happy. While he claims to be single now and want to be with me, he’s in school and going after goals and he claims that he doesn’t have time for a relationship right now. Even typing this all out I realize how ridiculous it sounds. If he wanted to be with me, he would just be with me. End of Story. But when I try to think rationally and imagine myself cutting him off completely I have a panic attack, or I literally get sick to my stomach.

I don’t know what to do. It would be easier if he was 100% a jerk, but I can not honestly ignore all of the ways in which he has really helped me. I feel as if I’m going to be stuck in a never ending story…

Reply
Mary

My ex and I were about to get married one month before he broke off our engagement. I have taken this break up very hard and felt like my whole world was being taken from me. See we have been living together since the first month of our relationship. We had three pets and now he has our dog (which has been a whole different heart ache for me). He was my family and I depended a lot on his support. But we did fight a lot about everything big and small. I was stressed because I felt like he never met my needs because I took care of the house, making sure bills were paid on time, and planning the wedding as well as full time job and school. I reacted horribly to the break up the first month. Well the first two weeks were the worst and I finally got to a point were a felt better (not perfect but better). I mean even now at six weeks its still hard for me to eat and sleep. But I did quit begging after the first three weeks. It was hard for me to accept that he moved on and I was just to deal with this on my own. So, this thing happen on week 5. I got really drunk with a friend and lost my keys at a bar. I called him for help and he was drunk as well so he could not help. But we showed up at his house because I did not have a way into my apartment. Big Mistake!!! I slept with him twice and it was fine when I was around him, but now its like I have get my dignity back. By the way, he has asked for more than one favor since we broke up and I have always helped. Which the only reason I asked him for help and I do not really know anyone else in my city. Is it normal for me to still be so heartbroken after six weeks? I mean he is completely over me and I am still crying at times. I just do not know what is normal anymore.

Reply
Ruben

I am still heartbroken after 16months….. Don’t think there is something wrong with you

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Tara

My boyfriend of 7 years came home from being away for a weekend and told me that we need to break up 2 weeks ago. We are both in our late 20s and this has been both of our first serious relationship. Our first 5 years together were long distance. His only explanation was that he needs to be alone.
Over the past few months I could feel him becoming more distant. He looked at his phone more than me. When I would ask him to go somewhere with me he would say that we don’t need to be together all the time and aren’t connected at the hip. He has also started drinking again after not for over 4 years. But when myself or his family confronts him on it he becomes defensive.
A few days ago I was out in the community with my work and saw him drive by with another woman in his car. We still live together until we each find else where to go and things were going ok until I saw this. I commented on how quickly he moved on and he said that he just wanted someone to hang out with and smoke with (he hasn’t smoked in several years either). He said he has no romantic feelings towards her. However I am finding this hard to believe because I’ve never met this girl in the 7 years we’ve been together.
Last night I asked him if he was coming home after work and he said that he was. However he came home over 2 hours after he got off work.
It hurts me so bad that I’m not allowed to ask where he is or to even care about what he is doing anymore. I just need to understand this. After a long bout of crying and punching the wall a couple of times I told him that I can’t do this anymore and one of us needs to go. However he says that he doesn’t have anywhere to go. I do have somewhere to go but I also have 2 pets who it would cause a lot of stress to move them (I am moving into a house and he an apt so that’s why I get the pets). Also most of household furniture and stuff I had before we moved in together so it would be much easier for him to leave. We still have a few weeks before either of us can get into out new homes.
I just need help understanding this and an opinion from an unbiased person.

Thank you

Reply
Lauren

My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me because he has “mixed feelings” we’ve had this issue before and we agreed that if it didn’t work this time we would be done for good. However, the time has come and I can’t seem to let him go. I feel as if I can’t keep going he’s all I think about. Is there anything I can say to him or should I stop begging him?

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Lauren, let him go. There is nothing for you in a relationship with a man who has mixed feelings. There will be someone come along who loves you completely – that is the one worth waiting for. First though, let go of the one that is getting in his way.

Reply
Amy Miss

My husband of 20 years told me 2 weeks ago that it’s over. No explanation at all, except that he still loves me but doesn’t see a future and that he’s been unhappy for years. We have 2 teenagers and I haven’t told them yet because I wanted to be strong for them to help them through it. I thought I’d get my emotions in check first but to be honest I’m still not coping almost 3 weeks later. I can’t breathe, I have anxiety attacks, constant pain in my chest and I haven’t eaten in over 2 weeks. Their dad usually works away from home so they dont’ realise. But next week he’s due home and we have to explain to them the situation. How do I get myself right so I can be strong for them? I have also decided to go home to the UK (we live abroad) because I have no friends or family here, it was his decision to come here. But my kids are settled and this is their home. So not only am I having to tell them their father is leaving, but that they are having to move country and start over again. I’m so stressed about all this it’s too much to handle on my own.

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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