Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good ones. It happens because of ego or stupidity or breakage. Or because of smugness or ignorance or a widening ache or an emptiness or the need to know ‘what else is there’. It happens because of arrogance or a lack of self-control or because of that thing in all of us that wants to feel adored or heroic or important or powerful or as though we matter. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity for this to happen is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t’ do any damage at all.
It happens because of lies, the big ones, the ones we tell ourselves – ‘it won’t mean anything’, ‘nobody will know’, ‘it won’t do any harm’. It happens because there is a moment that starts it all. One small, stupid, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing. A moment where there’s an almighty collision between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that all of us go through, and the world that is forbidden and exciting and hypnotic with promises. And all the while these worlds, they feel so separate, but they become tangled and woven, one into the other, and then that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again.
Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal. Infidelity steals the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be. It call everything into question – who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or were working towards, our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. It beats down self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people, but it doesn’t have to mean an end to the relationship.
Does infidelity mean a falling out of love?
Anything we humans are involved in is never black and white. The versions of grey can make good humans look like bad ones it can make love that is real feel dead for a while. Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.
Affairs often aren’t about people wanting to be in a different relationship, but about wanting the relationship they are in to be different. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy and nurturing – but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. It’s a critical part of healing the relationship and any repairing any breaks in the armour around you both that made it possible for someone else to walk through.
Does an affair mean the end of the relationship?
Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.
There are plenty of ways to hurt a relationship. Infidelity is just one of them.
Affairs cause devastating breakage in relationships, but they aren’t the only thing that can hurt a relationship. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of breakage, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship – withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement, or criticism. All of us, even the most loving, committed devoted of us will do these things from time to time.
How does an affair happen?
There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart.
We humans exist at our very best when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.
When an important need remains unmet, there are two options – and only two. We can either let go of the need, or change the environment in which we’re attempting to meet the need. It will be this way for all of us. When the need is an important one, letting go won’t be an option. This will create a splintering in the relationship, and the very real temptation to change the environment, as in, find someone else to meet the need/s that we actually want met by our partners.
Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets a need. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. And needs get hungry and people get tempted.
When affairs happen, it’s likely that at least one of three things has happened for the person having the affair:
- an awareness that ‘something’ is missing, without awareness of what that something is;
- an awareness of exactly what is missing – an important need that has been hungry for too long – but a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this;
- repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.
How to heal from an affair, together or apart.
For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back.
First of all, where do things stand.
Is the affair over? Or has it been scared into submission, just for now.
If the affair is still going, and you’re pretending to work on your relationship, just take your partner’s heart in your hand and squeeze it hard. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while. Probably for a long while. This is why, for the person who had the affair, the privacy that was there before the affair (texts, phone calls, messages, emails, info about where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with), will be gone for a while. Some questions to explore together:
- When did it end?
- How did it end?
- How do you know you won’t go back?
- How do I believe that it’s over?
- What if he or she gets in touch? What will you do?
- What moves have you made to stop them contacting you?
- You risked a lot for the affair to continue. What stopped the affair being worth the risk? What might make it worth the risk again?
- I’m suspicious. I’m paranoid. I’m insecure. I’m scared. I don’t trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can’t reach you, but I’m scared that if I stop, I’ll miss something. What can you do to help me feel safe again.
Is there genuine regret and remorse?
Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened, and shows regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain the affair has caused, but for starting the affair in the first place. What’s important is that there is a commitment to protecting the relationship above all else, and letting go of the affair.
- Would you still regret having the affair it if it wasn’t discovered?
- What do you regret about the affair?
- How do you feel about it ending?
- How do you feel about what it’s done to us and to me?
- What was the story you told yourself to let the affair keep going?
- Where does that story sit with you now?
Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And be honest.
Is there anything in this relationship that’s worth fighting for? Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals, such as raising children. There are no right or wrong answers, but if one person is satisfied with a relationship of convenience and the other wants love and connection, the healing isn’t going to happen. What’s more likely to happen is that the relationship will be fertile ground for loneliness, resentment and bitterness, and it will stay vulnerable. For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. They don’t have to be the same, but they have to be compatible.
Do you genuinely want each other?
The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. We can’t meet everyone’s needs and sometimes, the relationship might no longer be able to meet the important needs of one or both of you. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death.
- How to you feel about [the person you had the affair with]?
- What do you miss?
- How do you feel about me?
- What did you miss?
- What do you miss about me now?
- What made the risk of losing me worth it?
- What’s changed?
- What is it about me that’s keeping you here?
- What is it about us that’s worth fighting for?
- How do you each about the relationship?
- How do you feel about each other? Can either of you see that changing?
- What is it about the relationship that’s worth fighting for?
- What is it about each other that’s worth fighting for?
If the decision is to stay, how to forgive and move forward.
How did the affair become possible?
For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem. What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. What it’s doing is finding the space in which the relationship can grow. If both people are claiming to have done everything they could and the affair happened, then there’s no room for growth and the relationship will stay vulnerable.
Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. This will probably hurt to hear, but it’s not about blame. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability – the ability to respond. There can’t be an empowered, effective response if there is no awareness around what drove the affair and what needs to change in the relationship.
The person who had the affair delivered the final blow, but it’s likely that there were things that lead up to the relationship becoming vulnerable. Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. This doesn’t excuse the affair, but it will help it to make some sort of sense. Many hard conversations will need to happen.
If you were the one who was betrayed, you’ll be hurt and angry and scared, and you’ll have every right to feel that way. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable.
Somewhere along the way, the person who had the affair and the person he or she had the affair with, had information about your relationship that you didn’t have. This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. They knew what the affair had that the relationship didn’t. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.
If you were the one who had the affair, it’s critical to look with honesty, courage and an open heart, at what you were getting from the affair that you weren’t getting from your relationship. It’s not enough to fall back on insecurities or deficiencies or your own personal flaws as excuses. This doesn’t answer anything and it lacks the courage and commitment needed to start putting your relationship and the one you love, back together.
Explore together:
- What did the affair give you that our relationship didn’t?
- How did the affair make you feel that was different to the way you felt with me? More powerful? More noticed? Wanted? Loved? Desired? Nurtured? What was it?
- Have you ever felt that way with me?
- When did you stop feeling that way?
- What changed?
- What was the biggest difference between [the other person] and me?
- What would you like me to do more of? Less of?
- I know you want this relationship to work, but at the moment it’s not. What’s the biggest thing you need to be different. And then I’ll tell you mine.
Be honest. Can you meet the need? And do you want to?
When you can understand what drove the affair, you can look at whether that need/s can be met within your relationship. Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.
Sometimes the distance between two people becomes so vast that it can’t be put back together. If that’s the case, acknowledge it and decide openly and with love and strength, whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Nothing is more painful than fighting to hold on to something that isn’t fighting to hold back. If this is the case, be honest. Relationships in which somebody has important needs that can’t be relinquished and that aren’t being met, will be unsustainable.
Moving forward, staying forgiven and getting close.
To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship.
As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Let me explain. Every time there is a gap in knowledge in your relationship – an unanswered text, a phone that is off or that goes through to voicemail, something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing where you are, being late home, not being where you said you would be – anything that can be associated with the affair or with the possibility that the affair is still continuing, can recreate the feelings associated with the betrayal. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. This will take time and it won’t be hurried.
If you’re the one who has had the affair, your job now is to help your partner to feel safe again. To do this, make sure there is 100% accountability for as long as it takes for your partner to know that there is nothing else more to find out. The privacy that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be gone for a while.
Know that for your partner, he or she he or she doesn’t want to be that person who doesn’t trust, and who is suspicious and paranoid – but that’s what affairs do. They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long it stays that way will depend a lot on how you handle things moving forward. Be accountable every minute of every day. Be an open book. Let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. Looking for information isn’t about wanting to catch you out, but about wanting to know that there is nothing to catch out.
For healing to happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while. Be the one who makes sure there are no gaps, no absences, no missing pieces in the day. And no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. For the one who has been hurt, there will be a period, sometimes for a year or more, where there will be a constant need to find evidence that the affair isn’t happening. It may become an obsession for a while. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, and the way to find relief from this is by searching for proof that the relationship is safe, that the affair is finished, and that it’s okay to trust again.
To the one who has been betrayed …
Forgive yourself for feeling angry or sad or hateful or for not knowing what you want. Forgive yourself for everything you’re doing to feel okay. Forgive yourself for not knowing and for not asking the questions that were pressing against you when something didn’t feel right. And let go of any shame – for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards. None of the shame is yours to hold on to.
Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. Forgive yourself if you missed something. This relationship involved two people. If you weren’t giving your partner something he or she needed, it was up to them to tell you so you could put it right. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too. It happens in all relationships from time to time. It’s the intensity and the duration of the unmet need that does the damage. You deserved the chance to know that something wasn’t right. And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. If you aren’t able to give your partner what he or she needs moving forward, forgive yourself for that too. Sometimes two great people don’t mean a great relationship. Sometimes it’s not the people who are broken, but the combination of you.
You will always be someone’s very idea of beautifully and imperfectly perfect. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while.
Right now though, you are going through a trauma. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether that it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve that. You always have.
And finally …
Every affair will redefine a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you. Some days you’ll hold steady and some days you’ll be okay and some days you’ll wonder how you’ll ever get back up. This is so normal and it’s all okay. You’re grieving for what you thought you had and what you thought you were working towards. You’re grieving for the person you thought you were with and or the relationship you thought you had. Those things are still there, but they’re different to what you thought. That doesn’t mean better or worse, just different.
Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and married for 11 years. We have a 7 year old and a 4 month old. My d day was in August when in found out my husband’s AP partner is our co worker and pregnant with his child. The whore is due next Friday. We have agreed to work on the marriage and I’ve agreed to accept the child. Most articles address not having contact with the AP. with a child being born he has to have contact and although I’m ok with him being in the kids life he wants to see the kid everyday. I forgot to mention that he formed an emotional connection with the b*tch. He says He s done and he won’t rekindle anything but I’m really lost as to what to do and what to expect. I know to give myself time to make a decision but I’m so up and down. This article was helpful…..but what do you do if a child is involved?
When there is a child involved, the same issues apply. The difference is that the relationship with the other woman will never be over. It will hopefully change, but it is for you to decide whether you can move through the pain enough to work on your marriage, and whether you will be able to rebuild your trust in your husband, given that his relationship with the other woman will be ongoing. You also need to remember that there is no deadline for this to happen. You can take as long as you need to make your decision. The decision doesn’t have to happen now, next month or next year. You will always have an out if the depth of the betrayal feels too big to move through. Love and strength to you.
my wife had an affair and it was shocking to me . it took about a month to get back to normal . Then slowly and strongly the memory began to excite me , im ashamed though , my wife’s affair excites me mercilouslyand i can’t stop myself from being a slave to its memory , i use her affair , im aroused thinking about her affair , i would never leave her because of an affair
Hello, my name is Andy and I am an unfaithful husband. My wife and I have been trying to recover from my mistakes, but the going has been rough. I’ve done a terrible job throughout this whole process. I didn’t confess to her. I allowed the truth to trickle out instead of bringing it to her myself. As a result, she does not believe me about some things, even though I have no more truths to tell.
But that’s not my reason for contacting you. The reason is, there is one thing that I haven’t been able to do for her and I need help doing it. It sounds so simple when I put it on paper, but it’s not so simple when it really comes time to do it. My wife tells me that she needs me to bring the affair up in conversation myself on a regular basis. Almost all of the conversations we’ve had about the affair have been initiated by her and she feels that I want to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. This isn’t true, but I can understand why she would think that way.
It should be easy, but I just don’t know how to physically do it. Every time I try, it feels like the wrong time. If she’s having a good day, I don’t want to ruin that. If she’s having a bad day, I don’t want to make it worse. How do I initiate a conversation about the affair when I have no more new information to give her?
She feels that way because I do to. You say you have told her everything but you have only told her in lititle pieces it’s like putting a puzzle together we the betrayed have to beg for each piece of the puzzle. I call it the guessing game because we guess something that occurred and then u get to say no or yes. If the question wasn’t worded right u deny it until later when u tell how it happen just a little different than what was ask. We try to shift these pieces into understanding but we can’t because so much is missing. If you really want to help her and can’t say the words. Write down the whole thing start to finish and give it to her. I’m 15 months out from dday but I still don’t have all the answers I need for the exact same reasons you used. For her sake please give her this. I still cry everyday knowing for my answers I have to relive it all over to try to know why. His answers to the same questions vary sometime ‘s because u never get the whole thing at once you have to suffer more each day. It never goes away because you can’t make sense of it. If u love your wife. Please either tell her or write the letter. It will really hurt but I think it would make a huge difference.
Your story is exactly like mine. I knew something was going on and begged for him to tell me so we can squash it or figure it out. He kept his cherade up until I got evidence. I threw him out on Monday packedcall if his clothes, papers and guns that are so precious to him. We have a been together 11 years we have 2 very young children. He has apologized for his stupidity. He wants to go to counseling I aggrieved, but he had to do all the work. I don’t feel I can get pass this when I’ve given him so much freedom and my heart entirely. It feels so surreal that this happened. It’s so fresh, but it hard and painful. I have been completely broken. How do I make it and the children I don’t even know what to tell them. I’m sorry fir your pain this can’t be easy on any of us.
Hello Andy,
Your question was especially interesting to me as I find myself in a similar situation with my wife of 12 years. You wrote your post some time ago, so I wonder if you were able to find a way forward with your struggle? And if so, what did you find worked best? All relationships are different, but your statement about not wanting to ruin a good day for your wife really hit home for me.
I had a very brief affair almost 4 months ago. My wife is willing to work through it with me, and I have been trying to take the right steps to deal with my mistake, but it has been hard on both of us. By nature I am not that open of a person, so I am struggling with what details I should and should not bring up.
I have already been honest with her, but when she asks a question that she feels there is new information to, she begins to lose her trust in me. I have found it difficult to get support as the internet can be a very harsh place for the unfaithful, and I have limited time to seek professional help (although I am seeing a couples councilor once a month). Any advice is much appreciated.
My husband tells me the same story that you just said…. I don’t want to make one of our good days bad, or I don’t want to make your bad day worse. To me, that is an excuse. It’s an excuse because thinking like that allows you and him to sweep it under the rug and keeps my mind wandering! It’s not fair that I have to feel as though I am torturing him to talk about something that he did that has turned our world upside down.
I will give you a piece of advice….. Even if you don’t just blurt out something, out of the blue one day, good day or bad, just say I’m sorry for what I have done. Or out of the blue say, Is there anything about what I have done that you would like to talk about?
That alone will make her feel better!! Something that I wish my husband would do…. because she doesn’t want to ruin a good day either by bringing things up that are rolling around in her head like a brick. Who should she talk to??? Think about it… would you like for her to start talking to another man about this, or would you like her to talk to you?
Cathy, you are spot on. Yesterday was a good day with my husband. He cheated on me and lied to my face about it for 6 months. We have been married for 28 years. I asked him a question about the affair just this morning and his response was “didn’t we have a good day yesterday”. I almost blew up. I let him know that yes we had a good day, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about the affair. I’m constantly thinking about it, but sometimes I can manage to enjoy the here and now while thinking about the past and sometimes the past is just too painful to let me enjoy anything else. I can’t control it and I don’t understand it either but I know that it doesn’t help that I still don’t think he is being completely truthful.
Great articule for me, well i have a more practical way of keeping a healthy relationship, its Trust, once i hired an hacker cyberebkey484 at gmail dot com, he accessed my wife’s phone and extracted her emails, social media messages including, facebook and whatsapp and even alot more, its all a lie, she had been lying since lord knows when, cyberwebkey484 at gmail dot com even provided more evidence than i could handle, i really miss her but it broke my heart to see her cheating in what was indeed a strong relationship
This article was so well written and gave some really good insight and advice. One week ago, my husband of 11 years confessed to me that he cheated on me while out of town for work. Needless to say, my world has been rocked and I have been a zombie version of myself for the last 7 days-I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and most days I’m just barely hanging on. Today was the first “good” day I’ve had. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I did not see this coming and I am just devastated that the love of my life would do something like this. We are currently separated, as we both needed time and space to think and grieve. I always said that infidelity was a deal breaker, but you never really know what you will do until you’re in that situation. At this moment, I want to stay married. There is too much between us to just let it all go. I know that it will be a difficult and painful process but I believe that our relationship is worth it. And I really believe that we can have a marriage that’s stronger and more intimate than before. I’m angry and hurt but I don’t hate him; he’s a really wonderful person who made an awful decision that has life-changing consequences. Although I want to work on our marriage, I don’t think he feels the same way and that just tears me apart even more. For all of you who took the time to comment, thank you for sharing your stories. While it’s heartbreaking that we are all going through this experience, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and not the only experiencing a roller coaster of emotion. To all of those trying to recover from an affair: take care of yourselves, get the help you need, surround yourself with people who love and support you. Love to all
Hi Natalie –
DDay for me was just a week before yours. Please focus on yourself and just take everything day by day. I’m lucky to have a couple of girlfriends and a good therapist to keep reminding me to put myself first- not our marriage, not him – myself. But yeah, they have to keep reminding me and I tell them to please keep reminding me. Quick deets about me/husband…we are living separately while getting marriage and individual counseling.
I’m so sorry your husband doesn’t want to work on your marriage, but honestly, he probably has a lot of work to do on himself before you would be safe giving him another chance. That would mean a trial separation with personal therapy, marriage counseling…a lot of emotions and ugliness within himself to deal with on top of facing your pain and trauma. It’s been nearly 2 weeks since you posted but I’d be very interested to know if he has given you a better idea of where his heart is now.
Instead of telling you more about my history, I just want to tell you what I’ve been doing to feel a bit better and more in control- less stuck I guess. Besides having a few good lady confidants and weekly therapy with my super awesome therapist, I read a book called A General Theory of Love, found a lovely online program about betrayal trauma called Bloom for Women, watched all of the Handmaid’s Tales episodes and started watching the Game of Thrones finally! I neeeever watched TV before but now I do – We can only take so much and need to clock out…luckily I have years of episodes to veg out to if need be.
I downloaded a podcast and listened to it on a walk and enjoyed it very much- Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People is one of my favorites and exercise is boring so this makes it entertaining and productive, right?
These are some ways I have found to self-comfort that don’t rely on other people because my therapist is $100+ an hour and my friends can only take on so much. We are all meeting in NOLA for Halloween – planning costumes and being together with everyone again is really a nice light to look forward to.
Take it slow. Take your time. Find a way to self-comfort but PLEASE do not try to go through this alone. It took me almost a week but finally telling my friends what I was going through was probably the thing that helped me the most. It was so awkward to make those calls but I felt better than I had in so long afterwards.
Talk to your closest friends. Find a good therapist- mine is a woman a little older than myself, and our marriage counselor (also his personal therapist) is a fit and fiery but compassionate 70 year old woman. Good therapists are out there so if your first choice isn’t a good fit, keep looking and asking for referrals. Get okay with being alone for now while working on yourself. Keep putting yourself first. Find someone to remind you to do so. <3
Hi Natalie
thank you so much for the tips on Women in Bloom and the Beautiful Story from Anonymous People. I am 4 months in in to discovery – caught my husband of 23 years in an affair on Sept 28, 2017. He had been having an affair off and on for 5 years with one women and 6 months steady with a new women. I am lost. He wants to save our relationship, I love him but struggle daily with the number of years and lies this was going on. I browsed Women in Bloom and it feels right. I would like to thank you for sharing.
Your story is so like mine I found out on September 14th 2017 that my husband of 25 years was in a full relationship with a woman since last January , he lives overseas atm which made it easier for him but he had told her were were in an ugly divorce, I found out they nearly bought a house together in August, I then found out this year in March there’s another lady he’s been seeing on and off for 3 years! I’m really struggling trying to forgive him we are trying to move on but he can’t move back until next June and it’s so hard not knowing what he’s doing, every single day I ask myself if I can let this go as the hurt is unbearable, I’m continually remembering of family events and memories in the past few years where he would have just been with one or both of them and it makes me feel ill, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!
Natalie- I feel like I could have written your comment. Exact scenario with my husband of 15 years- we are 7 months past my finding out and still separated without any resolution or decision yet. I was pregnant at the time so I wanted to wait until the baby was born before any final decisions were made. I hope you find some healing
Hi Natalie. So sorry to hear what is happening to you. I wondered how is it working out for you both now, two months later? I am in a similar situation at the moment. Three weeks ago, my husband of 6 years confessed that he has had an affair, it lasted one month, then he ended it as could not live with the lies anymore… And this is not the first time. We have been through a devastating experience around our daughter’s first birthday, 4 years ago… I thought after what we have been and how we came out of it, it would never happen to us again… And here I am. For a week I could not eat or sleep, my stomach would not stop clenching through the night. I am completely heartbroken. When he told me about it, I was so shocked, I told him to get out of the house. So, we are separated at the moment. Like you, I want us to work on our marriage, we both agree that we love each other. I am open about the fact that I am prepared to forgive, and have this nightmare behind us, and want to start healing and working on the issues that we allowed to grow between us. The life just got so busy, difficult, and we were never good communicators, and he would just not talk about his feelings, so bottled everything up. Says he felt unhappy for a long time… I think it is worse to hear that, to be honest. I know I wasn’t the best wife I could have and should have been, but my needs were not exactly met either. I believe we can make it work still. As you mention in your situation, my husband is still not sure what he wants… And this is devastating. So, I wondered if you had any progress between you two? Thank you. Nataliia
My husband of 13 years fathered a child last year with a girl he had an affair with. I always said cheating would be a deal breaker…. Here we are almost a year to the day from the day I discovered the three week long affair. He ended the relationship with her within a month of me finding out. My husband is still my husband. Our love for one another only grew deeper once we had meaningful conversations about the affair itself…and for a month or so we weren’t sure how it would play out. But it’s ultimately made our relationship stronger. I’m almost glad it brought a lot of things to light. It’s been extra hard, since a child is involved. Anyone who truly loves each other and are willing to put each other first can make it through anything. Don’t give up. But be ready to put in the work. We didn’t go to counseling. Take the time to know what you want. Don’t listen to what others want based on their feelings about your trauma and your life. Only you know what you truly want
I love ur answer. Thku so much for that
I just found out a week ago, that my girlfriend of 7 years has secretly been with another man almost every night after work for the past year, she even faked a business trip for her job so she could fly half way across the country to be with him when he had to leave for work. His wife is the one who caught on and blew this whole thing wide open. If it wasn’t for her, this affair would still be going, possibly more “business trips” too. I’m trying so hard to forgive her. When she stays late at work my anger takes over, I have destroyed hundreds of dollars of things she has bought me over the past year. She is so sorry for everything, but that doesn’t even help. I’m going on day 8 of know the past year of my life has been a complete lie. She has two boys, and I’m all they’ve got as a father figure. This sucks…
it does really suck, because you question everything that has happened and that continues to happen. I was blamed and told I made him cheat, but that shows his immaturity to accept responsibility for his actions and choices.
I do not like what i have become because of him and I refuse to be that way anymore. you deserve peace and happiness and it has been said it’s better to be alone and happy than with someone and sad. I love this person with everything and I have started to realize that it’s one sided. I ignored red flags and people telling me he doesnt care, because I was blind. my self esteem and my self worth is at nothing and I will rebuild it. but there are times when I want to give up. I want to scream, yell, run away and inflict pain on him by cheating. but it wouldnt hurt him because he has never loved me and it will only make me become a person I dont want to be.
I see now that to him I am not worth any effort to fix it, I am not worth it on any level. but to me I am worth a lot and he should be lucky to have ever had a chance with me. Your partner should feel the same way. she should feel lucky to have had an opportunity to be with you. She will realize one day, what a fool she was and what an idiot she was, and how she threw away a Tiffany’s Platinum ring (you) for a cheap ring from a bubble gun machine.
My husband had an affair a few years ago. It was gut wrenching and to this day I hurt. We are going to counseling and are together but I just want to trust. I want to feel safe again but I always think he’s cheating. He is following all the steps our counselor told us to do. He said the affair happened because he wanted too. I don’t know what to do. I want to not always think negatively of him. It’s not fair to him or me. I don’t even see if we are healing because I’m wrapped up in pain and distrust.
It’s been a few years and I’m curious how you are doing. I know I still don’t trust nor feel completely healed. I’m constantly questioning every move every statement every thing. We have put some pieces back together as to maintain civility for our kids, but never feel whole. We tried counciling but that actually made it worse. Mostly because even though my wife was the one who “stepped” out, I was made to feel it was totally my fault. I’m just curious if your doing something that helps that I’m not.
4 days before Christmas I found out my husband had cheated on me with some girl he met on a dating site. My world shattered immediately. The way I found out was from the girl via Facebook who had seen him post something for sale on a site. When I approached him about it he denied it. Until I sent him screenshots of the messages she sent me about him having sex with her at his work after hours and in his car late at night.
All he said was its true via text. I hated him immediately but I had to hold it together for the sake of my 2 kids and the fact Santa was coming in 4 days. I chose to stay with him because of the holidays and then for the kids. Now I sit in agony not knowing what to do. I love him but not in the way I did. He was my whole world and even though I didn’t give him sex as often as he as Wanted I loved him with all my heart. Now I’m just lost. I’m broken we’re broken. He’s not the person I thought he was, but my babies I can’t break their family up and when I think about leaving it hurts thinking about a future without him. I’m so lost. This article has helped a little. Thank you
Louise I’m sorry this has happened to you. What an awful way to find out. Know that there is absolutely no hurry for you to make a decision about whether or not to stay. If staying for now is the right thing to do, then that’s okay. The most important thing is not to stay because you’re worried about being without him. It sounds as though you might have been living a little without him anyway. That doesn’t mean your relationship can’t heal, but it might take time for you to reach the clarity you need to make the decision about whether you want to heal the relationship, and whether it’s for the right reasons. Love and strength to you.
Hi. This post has been extremely helpful in even my understanding of the emotional affair I had recently. I had been with my fiancée for 6 years and two weeks before getting married I kissed a coworker I had a crush on. I confided in her that I was conflicted about getting married bc of these feelings. The next morning I regretted that drunken night and cowardly did not confess this kiss. I went ahead with the wedding because I knew that I wanted to be with person the rest of my life and thought I perhaps turned to this other person bc I was feeling overwhelmed about what our dynamic had turned in. I was feeling very emotionally drained but knew I loved her so much and it was something we could work out. I confronted her about these feelings and she was very responsive and we even seeked counseling before the wedding. Shortly after I went back to work and convinced myself I could maintain a friendship with this coworker. We did for a while but only 2 months after my marriage started, the increase in communication started, hanging out outside of work, we sent songs to one another. I was working with my therapist and trying to set boundaries but continued this affair anyhow. Even going so far to letting her hang out with my wife and I. One night it came apparent to my wife we weren’t just friends and looked through my phone to find a lot of texts and love songs that were exchanged. I cut this person off completely, and so deeply remorseful of my actions, going to therapy both individually and couples but the guilt and her pain is just so big and so much to bear. I can say that this other person made me feel good but my wife did as well. She gave me so much love and adoration, but I’m the caretaking realm I was feeling very neglected. I don’t want to excuse my behavior bc the truth is this would have never happened if I had been open and honest so many times before. I want to move forward with the love of my life, I just don’t if it will ever be the same between us. She is so incredibly devastated. Please help with any advice.
I tried browsing the web looking for something to help me ease the pain and I accidentally saw this post.
It’s day 5 today when I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me for 4 months. I knew something was wrong but I could not point a finger to it. I felt something, a big burden inside me but there’s nothing to show. I prayed and begged the Lord to reveal it, to let me out of the dark. That I will bear the pain as long as I know the truth. And 5 days ago, i got the proof beyond doubt and it hurt so bad, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I just wanted to break into million pieces. But I have a 6 yr old son who loves his father so much. He admitted his sin, I can see his shocked because he thought he was so good in covering his tracks. I did not even think about cheating. I thought he was into porn, or something. But it was way more than that. Adultery, lying, and more lying to cover his sin. He said he was sorry, immediately he cut his relationship, he asked me to give him another chance. That for the past few years, he was battling with depression which I’m aware of, and then the “perfect storm” came in, and all his defenses were down so he was not able to resist it. I asked him to leave the house, that for now, I don’t want to see his face. So many thoughts going through my mind. I just wanted to lash out, to have revenge, an eye for an eye sort of thing. But the one holding me back is my son. He saw my husband packed all his things and leaving, and my son just cried and cried. It broke my heart. So after a day, I asked him to come back. But i asked him if he is prepared to come back to a wife who is mentally and emotionally sick and near breakdown. I could see, feel that he is really sorry and realized how badly he hurt me. We talked, i told him to be ready. But last night, when I had this “fits of anger” again, he said, i think its best for him to go away because i will never be healed if i keep seeing him. And for him, he cannot recover if i remind him everyday of his wrong doing. He said he really wants to start again, that he understands the pain of what i’m going through, but the guilt is eating him up and if i remind him over and over again, he said he might not survive.
I know i still love my husband. I might be full of rage, but deep within me, i know i don’t want to lose him. But how do i forget? How do i erase the memories? I even tortured myself and kept looking into the pictures of his infidelity. Will the pain ever ends? Will it go away. I’m too angry, too hurt, that i think my heart is turning into granite. I know my husband loves me but i don’t know how to forget. My thoughts are now going into the direction of walking away, of giving up. That if cannot find in my heart to forget then there’s no hope at all for this to work out. And I’m slowly preparing my son of the idea that we will not be together anymore. My son said, no, we are family. A family has papa, mama and him. And if the father is not there, then there’s no family and he cried again. If i do this for the sake of my son, to stay with him, it will be a torture, of always being reminded of him making a fool of me. So I’m really lost…..
I feel the same thing. It is 9 months from the day I found out about the affair. I have tried everything to let go of my anger and hurt. Therapy, meds, prayer,books,vacations support groups. Nothing is helping me to release the anger so I can forgive. He is doing everything to help me but it’s not working. I love him. I don’t know how to heal myself from this.
I hear your pain, I know your pain. Children can help us remember why we got together in the first place. Please forgive youself. Sometimes you will, sometimes you will still feel the raw pain. It is a journey and will not happen in a day, a month, maybe not even a year. But very day you will get closer to healing. You will remember but time will allow for the pain not to hurt as much. Try to focus on what can be better, what is worth fighting for, etc, as is mentioned above. Don’t keep hurting yourself by looking at the evidrnce. Your mind already thinks and deer too much. One day at a time. Talk, Talk, and then talk some more.
I posted here in May after discovering that my wife of 18 years was having an affair, albeit a non-emotionally involved one. In fact, she had more than one. She was unhappy with many aspects of life, suffering from a bit of depression after the death of a parent, and was detaching from me in ways that I just couldn’t see at the time. Obviously, the pain of betrayal, dishonesty, and disconnection was traumatic in such a way that I could never empathize with others about until it happened to me. At the time, I wasn’t sure whether our marriage would continue as a result of either ‘party’s’ determination. I consulted divorce attorneys regarding the possibilities and process on what to expect if I was served papers, as I didn’t want to be caught unaware of the ramifications.
We have been seeing a quality marriage counselor / therapist for two months now, both individually and together. During this time my wife has come to the realization that her “secret life” was a self destructive one and that our marriage is worth saving, although it is still in the intensive care unit. Two months plus and the emotions aren’t as raw as they were at the time of the confrontation. Our therapist told me that most of the responsibility of rebuilding would initially fall on me since, at that time, I wanted to save the marriage and she was the one ready to walk away, just to be alone. Part of the rationale for her wanting to leave was that she just couldn’t bear the fact that her actions devastated the one person she loved most of all (other than our children) and that she deserved no forgiveness, nor kindness, nor love after her betrayal(s). I’ve been going to church by myself lately, and listening to sermons on forgiveness have palpably hit home for me. The concept of forgiveness is easy until you’ve been betrayed in the most profound manner. I confess that if it weren’t for our children, I probably would have packed it in. Similarly, I’m sure my wife would have come to that conclusion herself before I was even aware. I know now that I wasn’t being the husband I intended to be nor the one I thought I was. Regardless, I did not deserve the betrayal, destruction, and agony she caused me. My desire to harm the men who should have had the decency to leave a married woman alone has largely subsided.
It’s been a long road and there is a long way to go. Sure, men tend to be more ‘physical’ than women (I know that this is a broad generalization) and that it thrills me when I can hold her hand or give her a pecking kiss on the cheek or lips, or an embrace. She is not ready for any intimacy beyond that which is incredibly difficult for me as I love my wife, despite her horrible transgressions. For her, any thoughts of intimacy cause her to recoil. I, of course, recoil with my imagination run wild of her with another man. And that, I assume, will be a long term process for me as well as for her.
So, the whole point of my follow up post here is that rebuilding and reconciliation is possible. I ran across this site in the days after the discovery of my wife’s affair out of my own despair looking for answers as to why this happened, and how others deal with it. My advice to others is that it doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage, although it will never be the same. Sadly, most people reading this post are either victims or transgressors, sifting through the rubble of broken trust. If, by chance, someone comes across this post who is contemplating having an affair and desiring to know the fallout, my advice is razor sharp: just don’t do it. Clear the air. Work through your problems. End the relationship. Hiding your feelings is little different than lying. Facts can be right or wrong but emotions are always real. Thanks to all for their comments and stories here. Wish me luck on my journey as I wish the same to all.
This is exactly what I was looking for. I’m 8 months pregnant and 11 days out of finding out and was really hoping to hear someone who has been betrayed and see if there is hope for us. I read both of your posts and it’s giving me hope- Thank you.
I know this is an older post but I just want to ask you how you are doing.
I am so sorry for the pain you have I know it all to well. My husbands affair was 4 years ago – I have had no one to talk to – my own sister as well as my mom said they didn’t want to get involved – they still pretend this never happened. So- I read – I search- I still struggle with unanswered questions…… this is a place I never want to be again nor would I ever wish this on anyone- ever!
I was just wondering if anyone feels the way I do after all these years … my husband stopped his affair but Has never told me what he said to her during the 3 months of constant contact – all I’ve ever gotten was that he said 5 things and of those 5 things- they were not even painful to hear. Any advise would be so appreciated – I need to know if I’m crazy for wanting to know theses answers –
Did you get your questions answerd and did they help you move forward?
thank you so much
I hope you are doing better
Hope things are better, I can tell you the hardest thing I have to deal with is lack of communication. After finding out that’s all we talked about more me then her, but as time moved on I chose to stay. Now to present day she kinda acts like nothing ever happened, judging other couple, damning people that donor have done the same thing. I think about it literally everyday. At some point it crosses my mind and I wish I could say it with certainty that eventually will stop but at this moment I do not believe it will.
I found out 8 months ago that my husband of 11 years was having an affair…his off and on again relationship with her lasted for two years and started in the last few months of our 3 pregnancy I also became pregnant with our fourth in the midst of his affair…we met and fell in love and I never looked back ..we didn’t talk we would fight and hold in and onto anger but we loved each other..I thought his loyalty matched mine but it didn’t…6 years ago we bought a big house and had lots of things we didn’t need I stayed home with the kids and he began to work his life away for things we didn’t need ..I always made that clear we needed him but he wanted the best of the best so to work he went wondering why our life was fractured and why we never had sex and why wasn’t I excited to see him for the 30 minutes he was home why didn’t pull his pants down and please him like the girls did befor me..instead of blow job for the 30 minutes he was home I asked him to hold the baby so I could do the dishes or sit here so I can take a shower during the day instead of 11 at night when everyone was asleep…I was not his girlfriend I was his wife..I lost my brother grandpa and mother one right after the other and was just barely getting by and he still complained about who I wasn’t….3 months after I barred my mother he started his affair he went out looking for it he said….for a blow job that’s what he wanted he said…of course a lot more than that happened but that’s what he wanted…here we are now I asked him for the tow years it was happening I just had a feeling something was wrong and finally he admitted it yes he had been unfaithful…he was sorry he changed jobs..because he had worked with her of course he changed his number and never talked to her again he is doing everything right he is truly sorry and will do anything he says to be with me …like I am something wonderful and amazing…why now I’m no different he complained about everything I was to her and now I’m something worth anything…every day I cry I see nothing but dispar I feel ugly and unwanted and wonder if life is worth living I love him but my god I am so unhappy I am so sick in my mind I think of him and her and I replay everything I’m not special I had no worth I gave up my life for him and he left me when I needed him most I’m frozen from life I’m in turmoil daily I can’t sleep I can’t live he has destroyed me …but now he cries he can’t live without me he loves me why now after you butchered everything inside of me…….
I feel everything you described. I am 9 months out from finding out about my husbands affair. I feel dead inside. Full of rage and self loathing. I work everyday at healing myself. It is hard but getting a little better. Hang in there. Be good to your self.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine, I am 11 months out from my situation and for some reason I feel worse today than I did 3 months ago. I’m praying and hoping things get easier over time. I’m replying to your story from 2017 hoping that by this point you feel better?? Have you learned any methods of coping. I guess I would just love to hear that you and your husband are better and that you are dealing with it better
My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for over 5 years. We have never lived together or even in the same town, and it has worked well for us because of our careers. We have both cheated on partners in the past, so I don’t know why it came as such a surprise when I found out 3 weeks ago he had been cheating on me for 18 months. The woman (22 years his junior) messaged me as we were about to go off on holiday to tell me she had been sleeping with him. I thought I would say “stuff you, I’m out of here”, brush it off, gather myself up and move on. But this has hit me like a steam train, and the sadness I feel is devastating. As if the images of them in bed together isn’t enough, the dishonesty, deceit and lies are crushing. I am a positive person. I love life, have high self-esteem, am attractive to other men, and am sociable. My partner and I have (I thought) a great sex life even though we only see each other every 3-4 weeks. I have read alot of articles and have spent every waking moment thinking and analysing the situation, poring over the details, and then trying to focus on the future and say “what’s happened has happened, move on”. While I am busy doing that, it feels like he has drawn a line under his affair with a thick marker pen, dusted his hands off and said “right now, where were we?”!! He is in an executive role, leading a large, complex organisation and yet his inability to communicate with me is astounding. I have told him that we can’t hope to move on unless I hear how he is feeling, but he still can’t tell me. I have sent this post to him in the hope that he reads it. We are seeing each other this weekend and it will be the first time we have been together since I found out. I am hoping to use this article as a basis for discussion, as I too found it very balanced and helpful.
Wow…this is one of the most well described and insightful posts I have seen. Amazing advice and perspective from both sides. Not about blame or excuses but a real and honest look at an affair (not simply sexual flings).
There is no responsibility by the betrayed spouse. They were in the same marriage and didn’t cheat. The only “need ” the betraying spouse needs is to be unselfish and think of others and learn how to deal with their pain, not ACT on it. This perpetuates the notion that both are to blame for the affair. They’re both to blame for the state of the marriage before the affair. Usually it’s the person not giving the most that has the affair.
I found out about my partners affair with his coworker.another female in the company he worked in and I was shattered ,devastated and disappointed…it was really difficult forgiving him because we would argue over it over and over again …I nearly gave our relationship up but he wanted us to work it out and so we did and we are still doing…it’s not easy but we still try ????
I found out my husband was having an affair 5 weeks ago. I have suffered tremendously every single Minuit of the day since then. We met 6 years ago and got married 3.5 years ago, i always thought he was the most amazing human being I ever met, and I do admit today that maybe I did take advantage of his love and kindness towards me, and I possibly did take him for granted. Eversince we got married we were lined up with one problem after the next, after 3 months married we found that he had thyroid cancer, he did two major operations and all was fine, after that we tried to conceive, I had many related complications and we hassled for 2 years with endless dr appointments, and endless related treatments including a failed ivf last October. This depressed me and I was very negative and life to me had no meaning. Since December I started feeling him very distant and particularly impatient with me, he used to spend lots of time on his phone too, I used to find it strange. I never thought anything though, he claims that the affair started in March, however I do suspect it actually started in December, today he is begging me every day to take him back, and that he is so depressed and truly regretful about his betrayal. Right now I feel thorn between two worlds, cos a big part of me wants him back, but I will find it so so hard to forgive him, since life was so unfair to us since we got married, so many things went terribly wrong, I neglected him, and he went off with his work colleague, who apparently was seducing him for a while. I don’t know what to do, which direction to take, I’m the type of person who finds it terribly hard to forgive and forget, I know (although he would not admit that he slept with her in my very own home) (my home not his) that makes me feel that I could never have in back in my very own bed! How could you forgive someone who you can’t imagine even sleeping in your own bed? He claims they have zero contact now, but they still work under the same roof. I wish to learn how to forgive and work at building up a happier and hopefull more fortunate marriage, but the pain and anger i feel is too intense. I also read too many emails of this woman sexting him, and if them claiming their deep love and passion towards eachother. Could things betweeen us ever be good again? He is begging for it, we have started therapy, but I’m stuck!
I found out in October 2016 that my husband of 17 years has been with 4 other women over the past 10 years, most recently was a year long affair that ended the day before I found out. I am beyond hurt, still, but for some reason I still love him and want to work things out, I just don’t know how. We are both in counseling separately and will start couples counseling next month, but it just hurts. The images, the thoughts, it’s almost like a dream, just doesn’t seem possible. I am trying to go through each day like a blessing and trying to make this into something positive, but it’s just so hard. How do I ever trust him again? I’m sorry to anyone else who has to go through this, I truly would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Hi Amy. I’m right there with you. I just recently discovered that my wife was having an affair and the feelings of pain and betrayal are so overwhelming to me that some days I am in a total fog of confusion. Do I forgive? I want to do it. Can we rebuild? Should we? Will be broken heart ever mend, with or without her? I know that if I give in to resentment and anger it will spiral out of control both for us and for our children whom know nothing about it. It is still very raw and real. I, too, wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I hope that you find peace and happiness.
Eric, I find myself in a similar situation. I discovered my wife’s affair 3 months ago and I still wrestle with whether to forgive. We had been together for 20 years and have children. This is by far the worst thing I have every lived through. The anger at times is hard to control. I sometimes wish she would have chosen the other person, it would be easier than working through the pain of reconciliation.
I just found out this past weekend, Happy Mother’s Day, that my husband of 25 years had cheated two different times. Once was 18 years ago, our son was only 5 yrs. old and graduating preschool and I was taking care of his parents. The other, 2 years ago while our daughter was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Yes I have associated them with things going on in our lives. I have never been so hurt. The pain is beyond anything I could hae ever imagined. I feel like our wonder marriage that everyone has always envied is all a lie. I love him with all of my heart, BUT how do I forgive him?
Dawn, I am so sorry! I found out about my husband’s affair on mother’s day of 2016, so we just passed the anniversary of DDay. I can relate to you because when I found out of his betrayal, I too related his affair timeline to our family timeline and important things we were going through. He started his most recent affair when our youngest was going through some pretty rough medical procedures. I was keeping up with the doctors and followup, and he was screwing some hussy at work. I am most resentful that I asked him so many times to help me with our daughter’s needs over the course of many months, and I was always met with resentment on his part, like I was asking too much of my own husband. After finding out about his side piece, it all made sense. I was too “demanding” while she was easy and a push over, I was sexually unavailable because i was tired, she was sexually available because she was much younger wuth ni responsibilities and because she was a slut. This girl had no issues cheating on her own boyfriend, so she didn’t think anything encouraging my husband to be unfaithful. Just know you aren’t alone in your pain.
I recieved information about my wife via text message from someone claiming my wife and her husband were having an affair. The text was anonymous but had some details about my wife that were true. They also mention my wife and the guy worked for the same company. She claimed to have gotten my number from a mutual friend that I supposedly work with. I looked on my wifes facebook and the guy did appear on her page liking some of her post. She denies knowing him and says its not true. I want to believe my wife but the details stated makes me feel otherwise. How can I move forward and heal if she denies it but Im still suspicious? And should I trust this anonymous person even though the details are real? I need help!
Hello everyone:
As I was crying after 9 years of my ex husband betraying me with a coworker I came up to this website. Is still hurts sometimes. I was married 25 years with two beautiful daughters. The family is broken and he married the lover. I divorced him and it was unbearable the pain but I knew I couldn’t live with him anymore. I am a more loving and giving woman now and I am hoping to love and give again with all my heart . Thank you for listening.
This article came at such a good time for me.
Me and my husband have been together for 6 and a half years, married for 3 this coming may.
He has had some very traumatic memories of his childhood with a mentally ill mom and a father who worked across the world half of the year.
He also suffers from bi polar disorder and high anxiety.
I always try too make things better and love and nurture him.
But there are some things I feel are out of my control when it comes to how he sees me.
I have constantly been called a liar, a cheater, felt embarrassed by his jealous outtakes on others for no reason.
I love him so much and want our marriage to work for us and our little boy.
We were separated by a year of jail time that he did
I was there to visit with our kid all through it
Show honesty and love
He is out and we haven’t repaired yet
He is seeing someone and saying she is just a friend but clearly it is more than that.
I am devistated. We live apart but he stills shows anger towards me for some reason.
I will try to take the advice in this article. I hope I will get the chance.
Thank you
11 year relationship, 2 children, 8 years of lies and decipt, living 2 separate lives at 2 ends of the country. I will never forgive a man who is clearly, weak, selfish and a coward. I will never forget and will enjoy spending the rest of my days making his life hell and making him pay for 11 years of wasted life, and a life that I’ve deserved to be a happy one. It would be easy to fall back into my perfect life, put on the rose tinted glasses and block out what he has done but I remain head held high with the knowledge that I deserve better,I deserve a chance in life of happiness. I’m stronger than he gives me credit for and I do not need validation. This all only happened a few weeks ago but I will not break,I will not fall, and I will remain with my respect intact. He underestimates me as he thinks I need him…underestimate me, that will be fun!
You sound very angry and bitter still. I hope that time has healed you properly as bitterness no matter what the cause is an awfully ugly thing to hold inside.
To make his life hell I am assuming like a lot of women scorned, you plan to use your children as amo? Or are you already? I hope for the sake of your children you didnt play ‘god’ because although he hurt you and lied to you, those children deserve to have their father in their life just as you deserve to be happy, so do they.
I caught my wife using social media sites to interact with other men. Explicit photos were swapped, along with chatting that was sexual. I caught her red handed, and yet feeling she was only sorry because she got caught, I want to put the hurt and feeling of betrayal behind me but it’s very difficult. Through lots of questions we both learned where we failed each other. I hope we can make this work.
This is a traumatic thing to go through in any relationship. I hope that whatever happens, it feels right for you. Listen to your heart, and give it what it needs.
14 years of marriage, 2 kids, the mundane stresses of life. I know I didn’t ask for this but I did at some point lose my connections with my wife and likewise. I’m worried tho that while we are working on putting it all on the table, she is offering me things that normally she wouldn’t just to keep me around. Trying to figure out what’s sincere and what’s a ploy is very difficult. We are looking into counseling, we both have issues I’m not denying that but combing through fact and “what I want to hear” is difficult.
This was a fantastic read I really appreciate points you’ve made here and thank you for your reply.
I discovered in September that my husband of 17 years had been having an affair. There was some suspicion in June but assured me that nothing was happening. Then when I came home one day in September and found them in my home and bed it all became very clear. It also was confirmed that the affair was going on since May. I have never felt so hurt, betrayed, angry, sad… so many emotions. It’s only been a few months and I chose to forgive him. I did so more for me but there are many times during the days that I regret not kicking him out. I still am unsure if I want to continue in this marriage. He lied to me about the affair, kept it going along with bringing that woman into my home and bed. How does someone move on from this? There was a deep connection between him and the other woman. I would have never seen this coming.
Denise this is a traumatic experience for you. It takes strength to forgive him, but forgiveness isn’t always enough to mend the relationship. It takes time to know if things can work. Your pain will be deep for a while. You don’t have to make the decision about the marriage until you are ready, and no decision is ever final. If you feel that at the moment, you want to try to heal your marriage, put your energy there, but if there comes a point where you realise it is not working for you, it’s always okay to let go. Strength and courage comes in doing what is right for you – whatever that might be. I wish you love and healing moving forward.
Even though we are still together, I still am unable to fully trust my partner after his affair. I don’t know what to do. He acts like it was no big deal. He says he never gives it a thought. This article was very helpful! Thank you
Violet I’m pleased this has been able to help you. One of the biggest things that get in the way of a relationship healing is when the partner who has had the affair rules a bold heavy underline under what they’ve done and believes the relationship can just move ahead. It just doesn’t work that way, but I know you know that. Things don’t move forward for a long time and without a lot of hard work and a lot of reflection. It’s a huge deal when you have been betrayed and the path forward will be a crooked one, with steps forward and steps backward. Love and healing to you.
It’s been sometime now just curious how things are going?
I don’t know for sure if my husband has had affairs but my trust has been broken time after time by his gambling and secretive and selfish behavior. I still feel betrayed and let down. I have had so many unmet needs and can understand how easy it would be to slip into an affair, even just an emotional one.I have only recently asked my husband to move out as I just couldn’t take any more hurting. I have a few friends who have been hurting for a long time and unfortunately found someone else to love and care about them while they were still married. none of it is easy or black and white.
Lara I hear you. Secrets can do so much damage to a relationship. I can’t have been an easy decision to ask your husband to move out, but it sounds as though it was one you made with a lot of strength, courage and self-love. All the best to you.
Best helpful advice I’ve read on this topic!
Michele thank you.
After 62 yrs of marriage and over 6 “affairs” with various women I have managed to forgive but not forget his sex addiction. We have gone for counseling. I treat him as a friend with favors – I go out of my way to keep him content & cared for, Does that make me a hypocrite? I don’t know, but I try to be honest and enjoy our life, family, friends and appreciate each day. I feel lucky to be alive.
I’m sorry this has happened for you in your relationship. I can’t imagine that this would be something that anyone could forget. It sounds as though you have found a way to live and be in the relationship that works for you, and it’s not for anyone else to judge that. Your husband is very lucky to have someone like you.
Beauitful article.
Thanks Vicki
Really hits home to me. Had an affair five years ago, my life is still messed up from it. Ended in divorce. God is healing me but the pain will always be there. Couples: Please learn to talk. This site has great resources. Be close enough so nothing else can come between you. That’s the key here. Affair-proof your relationship with love. But don’t be mislead by the idea that if you are happy and fulfilled, your spouse is, too. Ask them. Don’t be afraid to ask. What do you have to lose? And don’t get angry when they tell you. Listen to that person. He or she is your mirror, to help you become a better person. Have an agreement to do a checkup at least once a week with your spouse. And act on the suggestion. One suggestion. It will say I love you like a million apple pies or a trip around the world. Be the person that your spouse will love forever, and there will be no fear of adultery.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
Beautiful thoughts and so insightful. Your response helped me unlike the Christian adulterer response which I actually hate.
I had an affair several years ago that resulted in divorce and marrying the woman I had the affair with. She turned out to be a narcissist/bpd who was just love bombing me. Pain upon pain, but I love her dearly.
Reading this reminded me of all the reasons I had the affair, I was so deprived of certain things in the marriage, I was so frustrated with the life I had, I wanted to step inside another life, if only for the feeling of being loved and escaping the prison I was in. I tried modeling to my wife what I needed from her, but all I got was “I can’t do that.” All I got were Bible passages, which I already knew, and judgments and a loss of friends because I was the guilty one. No one wanted to talk about the emotional reasons for the infidelity, it all came down to obedience, my obedience. Never the spouse’s obedience to be willing to change, grow. I am wiser, still hurting and still looking for the missing parts of the first marriage. When I am healed, I will find them, and I have so much more love to give someone than I ever had before. This much I discovered about myself.
I love your wisdom and your openness. No experience and no relationship is ever wasted. The experiences you have had will be readying you for the relationship that is so right for you. There is somebody out there looking to love somebody exactly like you.
I was caught with an emotional affair and one dumb night i completely regret about 2 months ago. She sent my wife literally EVERYTHING, texts and pictures. After it happened, we opened up which was a breathe of fresh air. I didnt help out like a husband should when our kids were babies, neglectful of her needs, post partum amonth other stress, and I felt unwanted, unattractive, like a doormat and at times to this day feel she doesnt love me romantically. Numerous times Ive stopped mid-intercourse feeling such disconnect. Going outside of a marriage is a HUGE no no… Im unable to hold my wife when I need her the most let alone kiss her. She cant bare to look at me but sees me in our daughters faces everyday. I try to show as much love as possible but its a huge wall brought up everytime. Im the most impatient person in the world so me giving her time will either make or break our marriage. Its incredibly hard for me, and the whoke reason I had the affair is because Ive literally begged for her affection. Im extremely affectionate while she was raised in a toxic enviornmen….but we both dont know how to show love properly. Its so hard, we both let our frustrations run wild…. Yes, I hurt my best friend since freshmen year 1997, I was her first kiss after high school. Been together 10 years and 6 years of marriage comin up on Oct 31 (9 days away) and she doesnt want to celebrate. It hurts, but expected. Sorry Im rambling now. We are both hurting and trying to heal. Bless this article and the person who wrote it. Its helping. 🙂
This was the most helpful article I found. Thank you!
Christian: I am sorry to hear about your case.