Because sometimes the only diagnosis is ‘human’.
Every day there are stunning new insights into the human mind and the way we work, love, play, behave, relate, think and feel. We are learning more and more about what it means to be human, and how to master the art. Now more than ever, anybody who is any version of human has something to gain from the science of psychology.
This website contains the latest research and news in psychology. It attempts to bring psychology into the mainstream, unfolding the brilliance that happens within the scientific realm. We will explain what it all means and why it matters.
Some parts will be immediately relevant to your life, some parts less so but psychology is such a fascinating relevant science that at the very least you will have some excellent fodder for dinner table conversations.
The best of us is already in us, sometimes found, sometimes waiting to be. This website provides the tools to uncover what is waiting patiently beneath our skin to be discovered, or to make a life that is already beautiful, even more so.
I hope you enjoy the readings and find courageous, daring and simple ways to incorporate them into your life.
Karen began her career as a psychologist in private practice. She has worked extensively with children teens and families, and in educational and organisation settings. She has lectured and has a Masters in Gestalt Therapy. It is through her work with children, teens and families, that she learned the power of solid information when it is placed in the solid, loving hands of parents or any important person in the life of a child.
Karen created Hey Sigmund, an internationally popular online resource, as a way to provide contemporary, research-driven information on the art of being human, and being with humans. The website has a particular emphasis on strengthening the mental wellness of children and adolescents. It attracts millions of readers each year worldwide. The articles have been translated into a number of languages and have been published on various international sites.
Karen is often invited to comment by Australian and international media outlets, including The Project, and as a regular guest on ABC Radio. She is a sought-after speaker and consultant and works with schools, government bodies, and child and adolescent-focused organisations, both in Australia and overseas to build resources, implement procedures, and support the professional development of staff. She recently worked with Plan International Australia to create resources for parents in response to the recent Australian bushfires and the COVID-19 pandemic.
She is the author of four books, including the bestselling ‘Hey Warrior’ and ‘Hey Awesome’, which creatively assist children to understand and manage anxiety. The books have been translated into a number of languages and have sold more than 180,000 copies worldwide.
Karen lives in Australia and has two children and two stepchildren. Experience has taught her that people can do amazing things with the right information, psychology has something for everyone, jargon doesn’t, everyone has a story to tell, short bios are the longest to write, nobody has it all figured out and the best people to be around are the ones who already know this.
The articles, information and comments on the this website provide general information only and do not constitute advice in any way.
It is important to me that the information provided on this site is thoughtful, detailed, well-researched and relevant, but it is just a guide. What is best for you will depend on your personal history and circumstances. For this reason, if you require more support, information or guidance in relation to a particular issue, please speak with a medical practitioner or counsellor who will be able to take the time to understand the detail of you, your history and your circumstances, and use this to advise you on the most effective course of action.
If you are in need of more immediate support, please click here.
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Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us?
The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us.
We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about.
We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?!
I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you.
For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.
Jun 3
We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.
Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder.
There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.
This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.
What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.
What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together.
Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.
First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.
Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:
‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.
You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️
Jun 1
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.
Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.
If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.
In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.
Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.
They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.
If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.
It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.
But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
May 29
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel.
Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.
In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:
‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’
Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation:
‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.
What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️
May 25
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.
Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.
Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.
Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.
They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.
First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.
If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.
Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).
If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.
If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.
Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️
May 23
