What Lies Beneath: The Surprising Truth About Aggressive People

An aggressive strike can come out of the blue, when there seems to be little or no incentive or motivation. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not, they can be at their most damaging when expectation of attack isn’t even on the radar.

Researchers have now uncovered what may lie beneath an unexpected aggressive encounter.

Rather than being about inflicting harm, pre-emptive aggressionseems to be a form of self-defence, motivated by the fear of being attacked first. The underlying assumption being that ‘those who strike first don’t get hurt’.


 

The Research. What They Did.

In a study published in The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers devised a game in which participants were faced with a decision:

  1. Press a red button, resulting in the player paying 100 points, the opponent paying 1000 points and losing capacity to press the button; or
  2. Do nothing, with the risk that the opponent will press the red button.

If neither player pressed the button, both players received the highest possible payoff of 1500 points. The only reason for either participant to press the button was to defend against the possibility of the other player pressing the button and costing the player 1000 points.

What They Found

When players considered their opponent as capable of attack, most made a preemptive strike by pressing the red button first. However, when the partner was seen as not having the capability, they did nothing.

There didn’t necessarily need to be any history that would point to an attack being likely, just the belief that the other person was capable of attack.


This defensive type of aggression seems to be different to other forms of aggression as it is done to protect the self, rather than to hurt the other person.

Despite the intention, defensive aggression can produce consequences as serious as those of spiteful aggression.

Aggression feels like aggression and whether or not harm is intended, harm is often what is done.

It’s not always possible to avoid angry people. Similarly, it is not always possible to know what fuels an angry fire. What we do know is that something fuels it – anger is a secondary emotion. There is always another emotion hiding beneath it. Always. The common ones are jealousy, sadness or, as demonstrated by this study, fear or insecurity.

Having this knowledge won’t calm a savage beast, but it can help blanket the temptation to take their aggression personally and let their emotional fallout seep beneath your skin.

Knowing that for some people an aggressive response is a self-preservation one, there is a lot to gain in showing your hand as a safe, unloaded one.

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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