Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

When Someone You Love Has Depression

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When Someone You Love Has Depression.

Depression builds walls around people and between people. When someone you love has been dragged inside those walls, there can be a distance between you both that feels relentless. You miss them, but they’re right there beside you, except that they’re kind of not. Not in the way you both want to be anyway.

The symptoms of depression exist on a spectrum. All of them are normal human experiences, but in depression they’re intensified. Not everyone who has depression will have a formal diagnosis, so knowing what to watch out for can help to make sense of the changes you might notice.

Depression looks like a withdrawal. It feels that way too. It’s a withdrawal from everything that is enriching and life-giving. Depression sucks the life out of life. That’s how it feels. When depression bites, everything becomes hard. Life starts to hurt. Those who are bitten stop looking forward to things. They stop engaging and they stop enjoying things, even the things they used to love. They can feel hard to reach, and sometimes they can be angry or appear as though they don’t care. That isn’t because they want to withdraw from you or push you away, they don’t, although it can feel that way. 

Here are some ways to fight for them, beside them and for the times the fight has to be theirs, behind them:

  1. Depression is never a choice.

    If people with depression could be happy, they would be. Depression leaves people feeling as though they’ve been scooped out with a spoon. It’s a hijacking of everything that feels good. The hopelessness, emptiness and loneliness is relentless. If they knew how to be any other way, they would be. 

  2. It’s okay to feel frustrated or angry.

    The helplessness of loving someone with depression can be frustrating, exhausting and lonely. It’s okay to feel angry at times, or as though you want to throw your hands in the air and walk away. You’re human and when you love someone with depression, there will be times that you’ll be in the arena too, fighting the battle. Remember that you’re fighting a common enemy and it’s depression, not the person beside you. Try to see through the symptoms to the person you know, because they’re in there.

  3. Depression is a withdrawal, but not from you.

    When you love someone with depression it can feel as though you’ve lost them for a while. The person you’ve always known and loved is still there, but they’ve withdrawn into themselves, away from the pain and hopelessness of it all, not away from you. It just feels like the safest place to be, but it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have you right there with them if they knew how to do that.

  4. You’re grieving too.

    Depression steals people. If the depression has been around for long enough, you might feel a sense of grief. If you need to get angry, sad, or fall to your knees some days, that’s okay. You’re fighting a battle too. It’s okay to pull back to recharge now and then. Be kind to yourself and do something that replenishes you. Reach out to someone, but don’t lean on the person with depression. People with depression already see themselves as a burden, and anything that inflames that might cause them to withdraw even more.

  5. When nothing is as powerful as something.

    People with depression won’t always have the words and will feel the burden of being with you when they don’t know what to say or do. Let them know that you love that version of them too – the one that has nothing to say, or plenty to say but no will to say it. Let them know that you’re there for them even if they don’t want to talk. Silence with someone can be lovely when you’re depleted. ‘You don’t have to be anyone different to who you are. You don’t need to change or pretend or put on a happy face. I love you and I’m here for you.’

  6. People with depression are strong.

    People with depression are some of the strongest people I’ve met. They have to be. The pain and hopelessness of depression is immense and to keep existing day after day under the weight of that takes an almighty fight, fuelled by almighty strength and courage. 

  7. What they’re doing makes sense.

    We all have needs we can’t give up. They’re the big ones and they’re an inescapable part of being human – love, validation, respect, visibility, safety, influence, connection, appreciation, purpose. You know the ones. When one of these needs isn’t met, the temptation can be to push it down – to ‘depress’ it – to where it’s out of awareness and can’t cause trouble. But of course, any symptom whether physical or emotional will always cause trouble when it’s ignored. It takes the strength of a warrior to keep pushing things down, and getting on with life. Eventually, when people have been strong for too long the armour will crack. Depression hurts, but it makes sense. It’s a creative, adaptive withdrawal from a world that feels painful to be in.

  8. Being positive probably won’t work.

    Reframing things positively is generally done with loving intent, but most likely it just won’t work. The messages that are sent with love will likely be received as ‘nobody understands’. For someone who is being caned by depression, there is no positive. Research has found that people who are already unhappy don’t want to be talked into the glossy view of life, they just want understanding. The view of reality is shaped by a lifetime of experience and sometimes, the way people see the world is exactly the way the world is for them. Trying to push against this can work against what you’re trying to do and intensify the loneliness and desperation of it all. Reframing things in a positive way is important, but it can’t be forced.

  9. So if positive is out, what then?

    You don’t have to fix anything or change anything. If there was a way to do that, they would have done it themselves by now. Instead, acknowledge their pain, ‘I know this is really hard for you,’ and validate what they’re going through ‘I know you’re hurting. That’s understandable given what you’re going through’, or ‘I know you’re fighting a tough battle right now.’ Be the one who can be with them without having to change them. This will probably explode your own feelings of helplessness, but reworking things towards a positive angle will ease your helplessness, not theirs. That helplessness you’re feeling is the bit you’re doing together. So is the pain and the confusion of that. That’s what makes your love unconditional and your support something extraordinary.

  10. Try not to let the negative talk go on and on and on and on and …

    It’s really important to hear people from where they are, but if the discussion of a negative thought goes on and on and on and starts to feel circular, it’s not good for anyone. It’s called rumination and it can make it harder to move through depression. Talk about it with them for sure, but try to persuade the conversation in a different direction after a while if you can.

  11. If you’re struggling for words, let those be the words.

    There’s no need to gloss it up. The truth is that it’s hard to know what to say because there’s nothing that can take away the pain. Don’t worry about saying the ‘right’ thing, there is no right thing. Instead say the ‘real’ thing with love and an open heart. Share what you’re feeling, because chances are that they’re feeling it too. Common ground will shrink the distance between you. You might not be depressed, but chances are you’ll be feeling a lot of the things they’re feeling – sadness, confusion, frustration, helplessness, and the greatest wish that you knew how to make it better. ‘I wish that you weren’t in so much pain and I wish I knew how to soften things for you, but I don’t know how to do that. What I will do is be here for you for as long as it takes.’

  12. Ask them what you do that doesn’t help. And listen.

    Depression can be different for everyone. You can’t be expected to know how to respond. Ask what they need from you and whether there’s something they need you to do differently. Be open to the response and don’t take it personally.

  13. Don’t ask them what they’re depressed about.

    When people are sad they generally have an idea of why. Depression doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes people will be aware of what has triggered their depression, but sometimes it won’t be obvious. On paper, people with depression can look as though they have everything to be happy about – they can even believe that themselves – but depression doesn’t play by any rules.

  1. Try to initiate the things they used to love, that depression has stolen.

    At a time when people need connection the most, depression forces distance. Do everything you can not to let it. Connection and positive feelings strengthen the brain against depression, and exercise can cause the same changes in the brain as antidepressants. The problem is that the very nature of depression will hold people back from doing any of these. Don’t wait for them to feel like doing things. They won’t. Their depression won’t let them. Depression is there to nurture withdrawal, remember. It does this by stealing motivation, and creating exhaustion. Be tender, gentle and loving and reintroduce them to life, connection, and positive feelings. You’re likely to get resistance, and a lot of it. Know that this isn’t personal and do what you can do anyway.

  2. Another reason to initiate.

    Thoughts, feelings and behaviours are intimately connected. They tend to follow each other, so someone with depression will think depressed thoughts (‘Nothing makes a difference’; ‘I’m useless’), feel depressed feelings (pain, hopelessness, exhaustion) and this will drive depressed behaviour (withdrawal and a depressed mood). A change in one will eventually lead to the other but the change is unlikely come from the person with depression. Out of the three, thoughts and feelings are the toughest to change. They’re tenacious. This is why things like, ‘get over it’ or ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘just try to be a bit positive, hey?’ won’t work. The best way is through their behavior, but you’ll have to be stronger than their depression. Initiate walks, dinners, holidays – anything that has the potential to create positive feelings. Take their hand and lead them there gently.

  3. They are not broken.

    There is nothing abnormal about the symptoms of depression. They’re a very normal part of human experience, but with an intensity that’s relentless. We’ve all felt sad, disconnected, the need to withdraw, hopeless, helpless, exhausted, and as though the fun has faded for a while These are all common experiences, even if only fleetingly at times and from the kinder end of the spectrum. What makes these very human experiences lead to a diagnosis of depression is a question of degree. People with depression experience the same we all experience, but at a different intensity, duration, or cluster of symptoms. 

Depression rarely takes hold of just one person. When depression settles into someone, helplessness, fear and sadness bleed through the walls it builds around that person and into the lives of those who love them. It’s exhausting for everyone. There is always a way through depression but it takes an almighty fight. You won’t always have it in you to fight alongside them and you won’t always know what to do but that’s okay – you don’t have to do any of that to fight for them. Few things are as powerful as human connection and anything you can do to nurture that will help to put back what depression strips away.

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166 Comments

Rockiie

My girlfriend is going through depression and this article just helped me a bit but what I’m wondering is how do I keep myself from losing my mind… I’m very impatient and I feel like I’ve lost her. And sometimes the way she blocks me out or doesn’t talk to me for a day or two straight makes me really angry and confused and sometimes I just want to leave… I could never leave, I love her too much… but I feel like my heart being shattered into a million pieces because I miss her so much… I just feel like I need to stay strong for her and not being myself down but at the same time I feel like it’s dragging me down as well and idk how not to feel that way…

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sid

If you love her you will continue patience and when she pushes you away you will stay by her side.

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Hope

I keepbeing told this with my partner he is trying so hard to push me away but all I say to him is I love him and will be there for him no matter what and for how long it takes but some days it is really hard but I love him

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Cheri

Same here! With my boyfriend!!!!
How do you handle the space???
Like he needs space, I’m okay with that, I can do space, but how do I keep telling myself he still does love me? Like, will the depression or could the depression make him leave me???
I guess my biggest fear, is, I will stay and try to work through this, because I love him, and he’s just gonna fall out of love with me anyways?!

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EMC

Cheri,
I know exactly how you feel. My husband of two years has struggled with depression his entire life. He has recently said he has been thinking of moving out and he there is no joy in his life. He is seeking counseling but said he didn’t want to give me any hope that things would change. I have no clue what I did wrong. He says it’s not me it’s these feelings he has that he can’t explain. He says he feels like he has lost himself. I do everything I can to minimize any stress or anxiety. I am supportive and I validate his feelings. It’s just very difficult.

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Sassy

EMC – Im keen to know how you are getting on as I too am in the same situation. I am currently living at my mom’s (have been for nearly a month now. He is seeking counselling too. I wondered if you found that helped your partner? I’m trying to show support but at the same time feel very much in limbo

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Janis

I’m dealing with the same issue with my boyfriend of 2 years, we live together and he’s recently admitted he’s depressed. But has also said he’s ‘confused about us’ and struggles with the future and the unknown. I feel as though he is projecting his issues on me, making me feel like I’m the issue. He hasn’t asked for space and I told him I’d be supportive and do whatever he needs… but I feel sooo neglected and don’t honestly believe he loves me when he says it. He’s not the same person and I miss him and us. My fear is also that I’m holding on only to get my heart broken in the end. Hes suffered from depression in the past and told me about it.

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Cheyenne

Going threw samething ten years now. Have 2 kids with her 9 year old and 7 month old. She kicks me out every few months. Then has me come back next day. I just want her to go try to get help so it stops happiness infront of the kids.

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Millie

These points are so right on, I only wish I would have found this earlier.

My significant other and I have been in a long distance relationship for the last 9 months (We’ve been together for over 6 years) – 3 months ago, he shut the world out, including me and all of his close friends. He found himself in a dark place, and just decided he wanted to be happy and didn’t feel the same way about “us” anymore. I’ve been careful with my words, not to plead with him; but instead to let him know I care.

When he is here I can recognize and react to the depression, when he is away, it’s not as easy. And this time he wouldn’t let me in.

All I know is that I love him, and I know in my heart that he loves me too. I pray everyday that he will have a change of heart and he’ll remember that.

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desperate wife

My husband of 2 years is depressed also.. he’s been without a job for a while and is struggling to find one. He has begin to withdraw from me, my family and all of our friends. He used to love working out and now he just eats whatever and doesn’t want to go to the gym – an activity he enjoyed the most. He sits me down every few days to tell me how he’s unhappy and doesn’t love me.. and he keeps ruminating about how we got married. I don’t know if its depression talking or really him. It seriously kills me when he talks like this. Not sure what to do – I’ve told him a hundred times and even looked up therapists for him. I want him to get help. He’s looking for jobs all over the US so he can move out. I don’t know what to do. Everyone says to just be patient and give him space and all will be okay but I don’t know.

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Desperate Husband

Desperate Wife, I’m a depressed husband going through the same thing, where do we go, when everyone says be patient or be strong and stand by there side. Others say leave them, but with kids, house and family the roots are hard to be torn out. My heart is broken she make me feel like I’ve done something wrong, threatens to leave or trust to kick me out?
The struggles we have, it’s not fare…..

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Tina

My Husband lost both his parents within 8 weeks of each other in January 16. He now seems to have a delayed grief reaction and very depressed. He has hit rock bottom telling me he’s scared that he doesn’t love me anymore with the way he is feeling. I am heartbroken. Been together 20 years with 3 beautiful children. We were so in love with a very strong marriage and now it’s falling apart. He says he needs time away from me to see if he does love me. I’m heartbroken.

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Sadness

My husband has been depressed with high levels of anxiety for going on 5 years (and most of uis life). He refuses to see a therapist. Will only take meds to help him sleep. I’m trying tobe patient, to listen, to know the depression is what’s talking. But, after 5 years I am spent. The continued negativity, inability to recognize how his actions are causing conflict, and not taking action to help himself is killing me. I fight depression too so I know where he is but I am running out of steam. I keep reading these things looking for hope and what to do but it always lands back on the person who is depressed and unmotivated to do anything about it. It’s a vicious circle. 🙁

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Venus

My husband has had depression and anxiety since childhood and it’s intensified these past 3 or 4 years.

He’d withdrawn to a point that I felt utterly alone in the relationship with limited physical and emotional connections. It even at one point went as far as to him wanting to go seprate ways…only then to tell me how much he loves me and he pushes me away because he thinks I deserve better.

He’s just strated seeing a psychiatrist, and I’m slowly seeing improvement in the level of his depression. I know it’ll be along road for us both. I pray I have the strength to see this through.

But professional help is the only way to get true assistance. Don’t let them over medicate your partner. Research medications and discuss with your doctor your concerns.

Keep hope, you are not alone in this. There are people who are going through the same very situation. Stay stron and remember to take care of yourself too. It isn’t an easy journey. But love is worth the fight!

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susan

I know exactly how you might be feeling, my husband has suffered with anxiety and depression most of his life, but has been worse for the last 6 or seven, I too am going through stuff, ie menopause and fatigue etc, sigh, I have just had enough. I want to just walk away, I have told him on numerous occasions, but he just looks at me, which makes me even more frustrated! I know how selfish this may sound, but trust me, I have had a saints patience.

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Lizzie

My boyfriend of two years is pushing me away and thinks he has to be alone to deal with his depression, I want to be there for him no matter what but everything I say he just says he needs to do it by himself. I worry this will make him feel even more alone because be hasn’t even told any friends he is depressed.

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Malteaser

My now ex is going through an extremely bad patch. The other day he went extremely down hill and went to see a psychiatrist the following day, after seeing her I didn’t hear from him until the following day where he explained everything that she mentioned and for him to tell me that he was breaking up with me as the psychiatrist had told him to cut all contact with everyone including his family. For him to go away for 3 months or however long it takes to clear his head.Its killed me as it’s come out of the blue, but him being by himself surely that is no good and only going to make him worse? I am so so worried about him, and want to help him anyway I can! I’m at a loss of what to do or how to proceed but I hate not being able to do anything for him.

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Hugo

It is very hard to read all these comments here. So many people broken, life shattered because of one stupid word depression ! I do not have any solution to that problem. It is just hard to believe it is so common theses days… or has it always been like that ? And also it seems it mostly affects men ?
I am the depressed person, or maybe I am not. This is what I don’t understand. At age of 38 I lost my wife and been left with 5yrs old daughter. I ve known my wife for 20yrs, so most of my life. Now , you could say that it is a valid reason for a depression, but is it ?
The time has gone by, I have started dating the girls again and the same pattern seems to occur. I am excited at first, having great time, sometimes getting involved in intimate way, but very quickly I am loosing interest. It is as if I am looking for a wife in those girls and realising it is not going to happen, I withdraw . Of course hurting the girls and they think I am an ordinary dickhead like a lot of the guys. This is like a vicious circle. I’ve decided to stop dating though I hate to be alone. But hurting other girls hits me even harder. I really don’t want to do that and yet I am doing it. Dr Jackyll Mr Hyde. I hate it and I don’t recognize myself. I think I am a scumbag for hurting those girls.
Bottom line is, I feel so sorry for you ladies that a partner is withdrawing from you either having or hiding behind the depression. Life is a strange journey and I am trying to remember it is also short, so even if you have to go on hurting all your life, stay strong for something , someone . Be it yourself, children, husband, hobby. For there always is a sunrise after the sunset, whether be it in this or the next life. Try not to look and worry to far ahead. Find a little beautiful thing, take a deep breath and carry on even if you feel like you can’t anymore.
Ha ha , I am giving an advice , needing one myself 🙂 . Well as they say , the best way to learn something is to try to teach it someone else ! Gives a different perspective. Big smile to all of you depressed or struggling with the depressed person. 🙂 .

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Tyas

What you wrote help me a lot to relieved. For six months I live and love a depress boyfriend. It’s always painful when he start to pushing me away. But slowly I learn about his depression pattern. What I can do is be patience, take care of him carefully and wait. I know he don’t want to be like that, and anytime I saw him like that I just feel so lucky that it’s wasn’t me. Even feel more lucky that I can have my health to take care of him and beside him on his hard battle.

I notice that I had my own journey and war while I am start to recognize that he have a long story depression. I talk to myself a lot, try to understand myself and situation on this stage. What I know later is that he is really strong person, big heart and good fighter. And I know it will be okay for me to go to his war with him. I love him so much and I believe there always a rainbow after the storm.

Whether we will be together or not later, I am grateful that I can learn this lesson with him. I will keep positive without push him to be “positive” like I want.

I think all we need as supporters is love ourselves more.

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un

hi, i suffer from depression and did not know what was going on with me, my girlfriend couldnt take it and she broke up with me and moved out, i have since got help and im on anti depressants but she wont contact me or respond to me, she has blocked me off every platform. do you think i will be able to fix things?

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Christoper G

Wow hearing some of these stories kinda makes you lose hope. I’ve only been with my girlfriend for a year now but outta no where she just completely shut me out. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve even had a conversation and the situation is feeling hopeless. I think I can make her feel better but where do I start when I can’t even get her to talk to me and I don’t want to force the issue on her. I love her and am trying to be patient but eventually you start to wonder is it the depression taking form in her life he do she just not love me anymore?

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Karen Young

Christopher don’t lose hope. Depression can be a big challenge not only for the people who have it, but also for the people who love them. At some point, there are things that we will all struggle with. For the time being, it is your girlfriend who is struggling. Do what you can to love her and support her, if that’s what she wants, but also take care of you. You can support her, but you can’t do her growth for her – this is her journey. I wish we could do that for the people we love, but we can’t. Also remember that it is an illness, not a personality and there is a way through depression – many people move through depression and live happy, fulfilled lives. I hope you and your girlfriend are able to find your way through to this.

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Chris G

I too hope so. ITs just when we are together she’s so much better or so it seem so at least. That’s what I do dont understand why She chose to go it alone. But I’m patient and persistent, but it seems discouraging when call states and text and any other attemtps contact her gin ignored. IF gives a feeling of why keep trying?

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Chris G

Yeah that pretty much sums it up. I want to help her anyways I can but I don’t know how to reach her

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Ashley

I am going through the same thing right now Chris, except with my boyfriend. I am trying like hell to give him space, let him know I’m here for him, but he’s just gone. I am pretty sure he broke up with me through a text a couple days ago. So I don’t know if it’s the depression, or if his feelings truly have changed. I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time how do you help someone who doesn’t answer texts or phone calls?

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Chris G

Any update on your situation? Mines has reached what you described in your post. I haven’t heard from her for almost 3 weeks and don’t know if I should let go or just remain hopeful.

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Heart Sick Man

Living with someone suffering from depression is absolutely brutal. I’ve read several articles over the last few weeks that at least helped me make sense of what is going on with my wife. But I can’t say that they make me actually feel better. I was very confused when this wonderful woman I married, with her bright and sunny disposition, began to recede and transform before my very eyes. She began spending all her time in bed and on her cell phone or computer. She began finding faults and criticizing all these little things my kids were doing (my biological, her step), which then turned into a full-scale assault on the way I parent them. We’ve been together nearly four years, married almost three. At the beginning, she absolutely loved my kids. And I love her two VERY much. But over time, she has gotten more and more critical and disapproving of *my* kids, and over the last few months it seems like the only things she has to say about them are negative. It’s like she doesn’t see any of the positive things that they are doing in school or sports or anything else. They are teenage boys and she told me about a month ago that they are SO rude and disrespectful to her that she can’t even stand to be here any more. And then she actually moved out for about three weeks before she decided she wanted to come back and try to make things work. When I asked her what they were doing that was so bad and why she thought they were so rude and disrespectful to her (because I’ve never heard them talk ugly to her), she said that sometimes when she asks them how their day was it’s like they don’t even respond or she gets like a one word response. Well, yeah. They are teenagers. I get the same from them. Some days they’re chatty, some days they’re kind of sullen and quiet.

Before she moved out about a month ago and since she’s come back, she pretty much spends all her time in bed, and she is still convinced that we are the reason she is so unhappy. I’ve read all the articles about how I just need to be patient, don’t make her feel bad for how she is making me feel, let her know I still love her even the way she is right now, pick up the extra load (which I have been for a good while now, doing all the cooking, chores, taking kids to school and activities and what not)… oh, and don’t take the way she is treating me or the things she is saying personally. But you know what, honestly that is asking a hell of a lot of somebody. I’m supposed to suck it up, take care of all of my kids, my mom’s needs (she has chronic health problems and I help take care of her, too), and my depressed wife. I’m doing all those things, without any thanks or appreciation from the person who matters most in the world to me, and quite honestly I’m exhausted. I really don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel like her depression is spreading to me and I really don’t want to live that way. Probably the saddest thing is how few of the articles and comments I’ve read from other people going through similar offer any real hope of change. I seriously don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life. It isn’t healthy. Not for me. Not for my kids. And not for her.

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Karen Young

I wish there was an easy fix for this. You sound like such a wonderfully supportive partner and a loving father and stepfather. It is important to be supportive but being a loving and supportive partner doesn’t mean compromising yourself indefinitely. It is also important that if you are doing everything you can (and it sounds as though you are) that your wife is also doing what she can for herself and her family. That means reaching out for the right support, whether that’s counselling, medication, or the lifestyle tweaks that help with depression.

We all have a responsibility to be emotionally responsible in our relationships and though depression can make this more difficult, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Depression is manageable, and people can certainly find their way back from depression but it does have to come from them. You can’t live someone out of depression. I wish we could, but we can’t. One of the awful things about depression is that the hopelessness and exhaustion can make it more difficult to believe that anything can make a difference but it absolutely can. Know that you matter too and in caring for your wife and supporting her, you also deserve happiness, love appreciation.

(And your teenagers sound wonderfully normal. It’s their job to explore their independence from us, and often that will mean that as they pull away, they stop engaging – but they do come back eventually. It’s all part of the adolescent adventure.)

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Jacey

I agree that any of us supporting someone with depression deserve love, happiness and appreciation.
What a difference it would make in my life if the person that I cared about could respond to me more often. He withdraws from me and then out of the blue just reminds me that he still loves me. I know I should be grateful that he is still expressing positivity towards me. Just wish that we could talk more.

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Desperatemom

My 16 year old sons suffers from social anxiety, school phobia and depression. It started in middle school and after treatment he slowly got back into school until a few moths ago. He stopped going and refuses to talk about what’s going on and refuses to seek treatment. It’s affecting our family greatly and Watching him withdraw from all aspects of his life is brutal. I have no idea how to help him if he refuses to talk to anyone or try meds again. School is ending and he will not be passing his classes. I offered alternatives to a traditional high school but refuses to engage in any conversation. Any advice would be much appreciatied.

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Karen Young

I’m sorry this is happening to your son. I completely understand how depression and anxiety can affect the entire family. Sometimes the meds can have side effects, which may be why your son doesn’t want to take them any more. There are certainly other things he can do to help strengthen himself and to feel better. The biggest problem will be getting him to try them, because with depression comes hopelessness and it can be hard to believe that anything will make a difference.

Here is an article about anxiety in teens with some strategies that can be really powerful in strengthening the brain against anxiety and depression http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/

Mindfulness is really powerful and there is so much research that has confirmed the way it can help with anxiety and depression. The article talks about how and ways to do this. Exercise is also really important to restore important neurochemicals in the brain to healthy levels (they are often lower in people with anxiety and /or depression). Again, motivation might be the main challenge but even a 30 minute walk a few times a week will help. Finally, gut health is really important, so probiotics if lactobacillus supplements might also be helpful. A naturopath or pharmacist will be able to help with that.

I hope this helps. Know that there is a way through this for your son.

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Kevin

THIS IS THE SINGLE ARTICLE THAT DESCRIBES IT PERFECTLY. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING, THANK YOU SO MUCH ! WISH I FOUND THIS EARLIER

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Staystrong

Depression is a cruel mistress! She steals into your lives, worms her way through every part of it. And if she can will tear you apart. I’ve been with my husband for almost 30 years .. and probably half of that I thought he was just moody, but I put it down to work, to studying, to illness … eventually he got diagnosed with depression. But he had the pills, got better … but of course it’s not that simple … she digs her claws in deep and just when you start to trust, start to believe, in she sweeps to have another go. This is how I’ve learnt to cope with it, I think of depression as a jealous lover, sometimes she woos him, but he loves me and will return. It is hard, impossibly so, and more than once I have wished he would go with her, or that I could was walk away … but then he reappears …

It’s great to hear people who understand, the most hurtful thing I find is when people say it’s so hard to have depression, it’s really difficult for them. I know it is! But try living watching the person you love disappear from view, try living with the blank stares, the numbness. Pick up your life and theirs, and keep your job, home and family on track until they come back. Be a single parent, spend cold nights, make endless excuses, always be ready to change your plans, always live on a knife edge and then tell me how hard it is. This is what it’s like to be a partner to someone with depression, it’s so hard, but your loved one is there, they are just hidden. And you have to trust and believe that. Even on the days you hate. And cry, and want to scream that you can’t take it anymore either. Because like waves it comes and goes. My love to any of you who live this life. You are not alone.

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Chris G

Okay Idk if posting this we’ll find me the advice I’m looking for but it’s worth a try seeing as a lot of you have experience with depression or know someone who does. Anyways my girlfriend whom I have been with for a year now suffers from depression since she was about 14 I believe went through some traumatic experience about 3 months ago. She’s the loving caring person but since whatever happened happened she’s turned a complete 180. When I ask what happened she only says she’s not ready to talk to me about it. She’s had no disregard for me or our relationship since it happened and I feel like I’ve either lost her or am losing her rapidly. I don’t know what to do about the situation because she won’t allow me to be there for her through whatever is going on, it actually seem like she’s pushing me away the farthest and I don’t know whether to just move on with my life or try and stick by her because I love her enough to wait but it seems like it’s hopeless at this point. I’ve been trying countless things to try and get her to open up to me and have been shot down at every attempt. We hardly talk now, in fact she’s not talking to me at all right now but it’s seems like she has less trouble talking to friend than she does me. Her birthday just passed and I was hoping to get a chance to spend some time with her but of course didn’t but she told me her friends did something for her. I took that personally seeing as I have been trying everything to see her since this happened with no success but her friends could get her out the house no problem it seems. I haven’t talked on the phone or seen her since this all started and idk what to do at this point. Everyone I talk to tells me to leave her and just move on but it seems like what I should do but my heart is screaming otherwise. One last thing, from what little I’ve gotten out of her it sounds like she could have been raped or something, maybe it’s hard for her to love someone and easier to just be around friends Idk……

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Lauren

My boyfriend of almost 2 years has told me he’s not happy with our relationship, his life, anything. He then told me he believes he is depressed. He has completely shut me out, we don’t live together so our only communication at the moment is via the phone which is killing me. He said he wants to give me space, but I don’t want space, I want him! He is only 23 and has his full life ahead of him but he can’t see that. I have told him I will be there every step of the way but he is just pushing me further out. What do I do? He’s agreed to seek help, but I can’t lose my best friend I am so lost and he has no idea how much he is hurting me!

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Caitlin

My boyfriend of 2 years has suffered with severe anxiety and depression for years and was in hospital for it in May, and is now seeking professional help with the support of everyone around him including his family and friends. He broke up with me in February because he said he “felt nothing” anymore, but only a week later begged for me back saying he’d realised what a big mistake he’d made and that he didn’t know what else to do in the moment.
Fast forward to now, he says he is feeling emotionally numb again to the vast majority of people around him including me, and that he just wants to be able to not be fixed, to let loose and just go wild without anyone caring (almost as if the relationship is holding him back in some way), and he’s slowly pushing me away again. I am terrified we will have a repeat of what happened in February but I don’t know what to do. I’m giving him space and allowing him time to just focus on himself and enjoy himself without me for a few days but I feel so sad that this is the way it has to be.

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Chris G

I feel for you because I know how you feel only with my gf it’s been months. I’m not even sure we are together at this point because she hasn’t talked to me at all she just tells me she’s working on herself but haven’t actually broken up with me or anything so I’m kinda lost. I hope your situation pans out with your bf, I would hate for someone else to have to feel like this…..

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Lonely Boyf

Please help me!

Reading all these posts I can’t believe I’ve finally found a place on the internet for partners of those going through this.

My girlfriend was such a care free person, life was just one big constant laugh with her. She could make anything funny and even after 18 months I felt like we’d just met.

All of a sudden in around August 16 I thought to myself she was having a bad day. This became a bad week and eventually a bad month… I didn’t really acknowledge it too much at the time but come January this year it clicked that she had changed so much in herself.

She had become withdrawn and noticeably quieter. 100’s (literally) of messages a day became a dozen or so and the lengthy kisses and hugs we enjoyed on the sofa became her in her phone with her back to me. She wouldn’t put her arms round me anymore when we hugged and long passionate kisses became quick pecks that she didn’t seem to enjoy any more.

She is her old self again when she’s out with friends or if I’ve seen her at work but then when she’s with me (her “normality”) she just becomes this flat, non responsive, emotionless shell of her former self.

It’s absolutely killing me and I feel like I’m mourning her even though she’s there next to me. The fact she hides in her phone causes issues and she gets angry if I ask her to put it down and spend some time with me. Her reaction makes me feel guilty for asking for some time with her and requesting her undivided attention because she can completely not hear me when she’s on messenger to her group chat friends or she will surf Facebook.

Physical intimacy has dwindled from daily to weekly but I’m grateful for what we have in that area.

She is coming off her meds as she says she doesn’t want to be on them for ever. Her anxiety started before this but I fear her decision has caused the depression to make its head appear.

I’m beginning to suffer anxiety myself now and I’m having intrusive thoughts that she will leave me. She won’t let me in and help her and pushes me away keeping me at arms length.

I can’t get it out of my head and it’s literally the only thing I can think of all day every day and I think I’m cracking up.

I’ve begun missing work as I can’t deal with the thoughts when I’m in the office so I finish early and come home and I can’t go on like that.

So many people have told me to leave her but I can’t as I love her so much and I pray to God each day to get us through this (and I’m not religious!)

My life has been on hold now do almost a year – I’d decided last year on her birthday that I would propose to her this year on her birthday. I’ve been saving up now and bought the ring in preparation but there’s a part of me that says I shouldn’t now because I’m setting myself up for a life of pain knowing what I feel like now. The majority of me is saying I can’t let my girl down because of this.

It’s so hard to not take all this personally because it feels like I’m the only one she is like this with. We’ve spoken about it and she says she doesn’t know why and doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t help when she’s still like this the day after.

I’m dying inside and she just won’t acknowledge it. I know there’s no magic switch but my goodness I’m petrified I’ve lost her forever.

I feel so lonely, angry, frustrated, rejected, neglected.

Please God help her.

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Chris G

Yo man. I feel for you. I don’t know how common this is for people with depression but my gf has basically become when you just described for yours. Hell I don’t even know if we are still together anymore…. she went through something while off at school and only but hasn’t told me what. At first it was ” I’ll explain everything when I can bring myself to talk about it” but that’s changed and now she just says she’s not ready to see me or talk to me or anyone. I tried to be understanding of that but her birthday passed in June and I haven’t seen her in months but she went out with some friends to celebrate so I kinda took that personal because it didn’t seem to matter that someone she cares about wanted nothing more than to see her that day. That’s the last time I’ve heard anything from her. You start to wonder is this depression or just feelings fading. It’s hard to tell the two apart lately….

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Lonely Boyf

Chris it’s horrible. Mine too speaks to her friends more than me. She sends them messages that are lines and lines long, proper conversations, but with me I get one liners. Very short. There’s no passion in her eyes any more and it’s killing me..

How can I not take it personally when I’m the only one she’s like this with? How can they not see how unfair it is to treat another person like this, depression or no depression.

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Chris G

Unfortunately I can’t give you any good advice because I’m in the same situation. But you aren’t alone in this, to make it worse yesterday was supposed to be our anniversary but she went so far as to block my number so I can’t even get in contact with her. I hate it cause it was so sudden, she was seemingly in love wth me and then she just hit a 180 and become the complete opposite of how she used to act when it came to me. I was hoping that she would get back to herself and she said was working on it but it’s been about 3 months this has been going on and about 3 weeks since I’ve heard anything from her…. idk what to do about it at this point and you start to wonder would it be better just to let go? I love her so much and I’m sure you love your girl too to be going through this for someone who seems to not even wanna be around you or talk. Idk what to do at this point tbh.

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Sage

I’ve known my boyfriend for 8 months, dated for 6 months until 2 weeks ago.

We had what everyone described as the perfect relationship, and that’s exactly what it was, perfect.

We communicated better than most couples that had been together forever and we could talk through any issue.

In the first week of May, his job situation changed and although there was a lot of pressure on the relationship, it was still a happy one.

At the end of May, he started a new position at work and that’s when all hell started to break loose. He started withdrawing from what seems like only me, complaining about how he can’t handle to stress of work and life (which to me seems exaggerated), it eventually got to a point where I had to cancel a trip that we had planned and paid for because he said that he’s not sure if he wants to go anymore.

He kept saying that he loves me and that this is just a low point and that we’ll get strong again, but the communication just started decreasing until he wouldn’t see me or call and I could barely recognize him or our relationship anymore.

I’ve spent the last almost 2 months in tears and had to end the relationship for fear of myself becoming depressed.

He says that he knows that something is wrong but that he feels lost and doesn’t have any answers for me.

I’m the one that’s lost though.

Where are you meant to go from here?

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Chris G

So sorry to hear that’s what your going through. It sounds all to familiar to my own so I have an idea of what you’re going through. Me and my girl was supposed to spend the whole summer together and I’ve yet to see her since she’s been back from school and she’ll be leaving again next month unfortunately. At first it seemed like everything was going to be ok because she kept telling me she was working on it but now I have no idea what’s going on with her. That’s the worst part. I don’t even know if that’s my girl anymore at this point tbh. So I’m stuck between whether or not I should move on from her or pray things turn around with her. I just wish she would tell me where we stand but I’m just left wondering….

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Sage

I can’t say that it’s easy to stay when the person on the other end of the phone isn’t someone that you recognize anymore.

I tried really hard but it almost felt like he wanted me to leave. He’s not the same person anymore in any sense of the word.

I do feel that it doesn’t get any better after you leave though. I’m still left with the same questions, I still want answers, I still want my boyfriend and my relationship back. Nothing has changed except that im probably now a bit more hurt and angry that he hasnt even tried to reach out to me.

I really hope that your situation turns around. This is far more difficult to experience than it sounds like to anyone not going through it.

I’ve never even heard my partner say the word depressed or unhappy before, so I don’t even know if he knows that what he’s going through is depression.

This feels like a black hole that I’ve been thrown into without any of my own doing.

Fingers crossed for you, try reaching out to her or her friends/family maybe.

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Chris G

Trust me I know. It’s been months since we have had a real conversation and about a month since I heard anything from her at all. I’ve tried everything to reach out to her only to end in failure and it’s discouraging tbh. I’ve already been preparing to move on but like you said I’m still left with those questions and left wondering where the hell did I go wrong…if we are done then I at least would like to her it from her so I can have some closure, I just don’t see how you can be so in love with someone one day just to treat them like you don’t know them the next. Looking at her on social media you would never guess that anything was wrong and assume she just didn’t care anymore but I never really understood any of her coping methods for dealing with depression anyways they all seem kinda selfish acts.

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Sage

Reading your comment felt like everything that plays on my mind all day.

The questions. How can he flip a switch off and stop loving me the way that he did? Does he not feel anything about us? It makes feel rejected beyond measure.

The social media interaction is the worst for me, interacting with friends and random strangers but can’t find the decency to give me an explanation of what went wrong or to check if I’m even coping with the situation. In a frenzy I told him that he was a coward and that he turned our relationship into a joke to which he responded that he didn’t know how he did that. I mean?!

My boyfriend was never selfish, he was the kindest man I had ever met. He wouldn’t hurt anyone, he wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t know who this person is.

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Chris G

Yeah it’s hard I know. The hardest part is not letting is ruin your happiness. I wish I had the answers and could offer you some advice but I’m still dealing with it myself. It kinda makes me feel better that I’m not in this alone but it still hurts. It’s kinda crazy your situation sounds so similar, I can say reaching out to her didn’t work for me because lord knows I tried everything I could think of lol. She originally told me she just needed time and that she would explain to me and it was times that it seemed she had come back to me because she was asking to come over but every time she would back out at the last second and tell me she still wasn’t ready like she was scared. But now she’s completely withdrawn from me and I hate. It seemed like the more I pushed the more she retracted from me. That could be where my mistake was by pushing so hard but only she would be able to tell me that….

Lonely Boyf

That’s the same conclusion I’ve come to – well she told me… The more I pushed (with the best of intentions) the more she pulled away.

Hope

I ha e a wonderful partner who is depressed and moved out of our ho.e saying he needs time on his owthis has become more lately we have contact through text and call g and occasionally a meal .he says so.e hurtful things but I k ow it’s not him saying it but because of the way he feels .he has tried to do it o his own for 3 months now .How van I get him to see he needs help from gp without hurting him and pushing me away more

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Karen Young

I wish there was an easy way to help people reach for the support they need. This is your husband’s growth and it is something that he needs to figure out. In the meantime, it’s also important that you are clear about what you need and about the things that hurt you. Of course it’s important to be supportive, but that should stop short of compromising your own needs so much for so long that it starts to cause breakage.

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Carla

I am so sad to read that so many people are suffering the way I am. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we were both sure we wanted to end up with each other. Suddenly he tells me that he cannot be the BF that I need anymore. He shuts me out. We had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together and suddenly he needed me to leave. I was so hurt that I got really angry, shouted at him, threw things at him, and then just left after the worst fight of my life. We did not have much contact for a couple of days and the following week he went to see a psychiatrist. After his first session he told me that I could not contact him anymore. I respected his wish and suddenly realised he had a real problem. Another week later he calls me to break up. “He doesn’t love me anymore. He sees no future. He wants it all to end.”. It was terrible. He had seen a psychiatrist every day at that point. I realised that he must be in a very bad state and I tried being there for him, only sent a few messages of love and support, but then he just blocked me on whatsapp and removed from FB. I was crying for days and could not understand how he could be so cold. I sent him a text message and told him to promise me to not hurt himself and that I would wait until we could talk again. He said he wouldnt hurt himself and said that the “sickness” was a big part of why he felt this bad. But he never actually said it was a depression. Looking back at his withdrawal from his friends and from me and about how he was struggling with life, I am pretty sure, he must be suffering from one. He said I could call him after seeing a doctor myself. That really hurt me, too. The reason why I was so upset during the fight was because he was making no sense and destroying our relationship just like that out of nowhere. I am not sure whether he thinks I have a problem. It is really killing me.
Because I want to talk to him, I will actually go to a psychologist next week. But then I do not even know whether calling him again makes any sense. I cannot take another hurtful word from him. It has been so hard to get through the past 2 weeks alone. I love him so much, I am not angry with him at all, I just want to be there for him. But what can I say to make him feel closer to me again? I am so frightened that that one phonecall might be the only chance I get.
I do not really have any words either. I just want to hold him and be near him and just wait until he feels better. I just cannot stand the feeling of him not wanting me in his life anymore because I know he is really hurting right now. Why does he have to do this to us? And will he ever want to return after his therapy? Can love return if the depression has switched it off?

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Karen Young

Carla I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like a confusing and hurtful way for a relationship to end. Depression can make people withdraw, but this is more than withdrawal because he’s told you that he doesn’t love you and that he doesn’t see a future for you. You deserve somebody who adores you and love should never have to be forced. Sometimes it takes hard work, but it takes two people to do the work. Sometimes it will be more one than the other, but it sounds as though he has been clear. I don’t know why he is doing this to you. I wish I did. Depression doesn’t make love go away. It can make it feel smaller for a while, and it can make people angry and exhausted and distant, but it doesn’t make love disappear. If he has told you he wants out, believe him. If it has been two weeks and he hasn’t taken back his words, or reached out to you, listen to that. There is something better for you and in time this will all make sense. I know this is cold comfort now, and you just want him back, but love can become which makes us long for people long after we should let go.

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Chris G

Sorry to hear yet another story similar to my own. My girlfrien was at an all time low also I tried everything to get her to open up to me but she also ended blocking my number, everything was seeming like she was getting better and that she needed time and then outta no where blocked. That left me with so many questions and an empty feeling as to what I did wrong. I couldn’t even reach out to her if I wanted to and that kills me. It’s been almost a month since this happened and I honestly don’t see it changing. I see a lot of people saying once you lose your loved one to depression then they are gone and that hurts to think I may never have my girl back. She has so many clothes and my house and we were always talking about the future and just like that it all went down hill without any warning. I’ve thought about bagging all her stuff up and putting it away because it hurts my heart every time I see something of hers and know I can’t see her. I would like to see someone on her just post a happy ending to their story of depression. It’ll make me hopeful about my situation because I don’t know what to do at the point.

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Lizzie

My boyfriend has suffered with depression on and off since his early teens. We’ve been together for just over two years and both he and his friends have repeatedly told me how much I’ve helped him and how much better he is. Recently he has been feeling very low, lower than I think he’s ever felt before. He was drinking very very heavily but over the last month this has stopped since I took him to the doctor and to AA. I can tell he is still so unhappy and he is mean to me a lot of the time and puts me down. He tells me I’m stupid and that I don’t understand anything and snaps at the smallest of things. He freaks out at the most insignificant things, he’s thrown his laptop across the room twice today, completely overreacting to just mildly irritating problems. I love him so much and just want to help him but lately I feel that whatever I do just gets thrown back in my face. I try to do nice things for him and to let him know that I love him but he constantly pushes me away. When we see our friends he is his normal charming and funny self but as soon as they leave he instantly slumps back into it and to picking on me. I feel like a do a lot for him and he doesn’t even notice. I try to give him space too but I am quite affectionate in my relationship with him so this often makes me feel lonely and unwanted and in turn feel selfish for feeling like this when he’s so unhappy. I know I don’t deserve to be treated this way but I know that it’s all part of the illness too and that he doesn’t mean it. I think he resents me and thinks I’m trying to control him…maybe I am in a way but the drinking had got so out of hand, I honestly thought I was going to find him dead from the huge amount he was consuming. I just want him to be happy, and for us to be happy again together like we used to be. How can I help him when he won’t let me?

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Karen Young

The problem is that you can’t help him if he won’t let you. Depression can make people do things that are out of character, but don’t let it be the excuse you both use to let you be mistreated.

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Lonely Boyf

So this is an update to my previous post.

GF and I have had several discussions and the general consensus is that I have pushed too much and been too clingy and needy, and that me wanting to spend time with her has pushed her away.

She has gone from one extreme (wanting to be with me all the time, texting all the time etc) to the other (hardly contacting me and not wanting to spend as much time)

Basically I’ve been told to back off. The problem is that I know what she gets like when there’s no one there. She begins thinking too much and worrying about all sorts. I try to reassure her but she just keeps telling me nothings going to be ok anymore and she will never be happy.

It’s kind of a kick in the teeth to hear that the person who you love and loves you won’t ever be happy despite having you in their life.

All I can say to people here that have the issue of a partner withdrawing from them is – let them – as much as it hurts just let them get on with it.

And genuinely it will hurt like hell and you WILL try to force the matter (and make it worse) while you try to make sense of it. There’s no way you will be able to just leave it. It’s taken me a year to realise there is NOTHING I can do about it and I’ve made things a tonne worse in the process.

I asked her does she think we can recover from it all and stupidly thought she would say yes but she said “I don’t know”. That spooked me.

I am meant to be proposing to this girl next month which should mean I am excited, but I will be brutally honest – I am petrified now that I’m setting myself up for more hurt and upset. Why would I do that to myself?

I’m not as anxious right now as I have been during other uncertain moments but I’m thinking that may be just the anti anxiety meds keeping the hurt at bay.

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Chris G

Yeah sorry to hear things haven’t gotten better for you man. I was hopeful of my situation but I think I’m just being delusional at this point. It’s sad honestly you fall in love with someone just to have them snatched away from you and yourre helpless to it all.

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Lonely Boyf

Mate it’s brutal. I could understand if it had all stemmed from us arguing but this came out of the blue – sent her down which in turn made me try and fix it and then push her away.

It’s a sad chain of event’s; I was convinced we would be happy forever but now I honestly can’t see a future for us.

I feel for you, the no contact must be horrible, not knowing and having so many questions. In all honesty though, for her to do that to you, depression or no depression is just cruel.

I couldn’t leave another person hanging like that for so long.

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Chris G

Yeah but instead of arguing your pushed away from loving someone to much. I don’t hold anything against tbh, she has was of coping with depression that I don’t understand, like whenever we would have an argument she would just withdraw from the whole situation which I hated because that didn’t solve anything. I would wanna talk about it but she just goes in a shell until she’s over it. But this is that to the extreme. One thing I did take personally from this was on her bday she spent time with some friends but when I tried to see her, she just told me she still wasn’t ready to talk to me or see me yet because she was still going thru stuff. I took that personally… that was the last time I talked to her also, so not the best way to end things if it is over with her and I pray it’s not. I’m gonna attempt to have a talk with her mom in the upcoming days to get some insight on what I should do. If that doesn’t go over well then I think I’m going to have to let go for the time being because I’m tearing myself down. This whole process is brutal, and then I see her on social media and she seems fine on the outside and it makes me wonder does she even care anymore. Only she knows that. Sorry for the long post lol but this is the only place I really can share my thoughts with people who have a understanding of what im going through so I kinda just vent.

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Lonely Boyf

Chris it’s fine don’t apologise, I’m in the same boat here and can only relate on here too.

I can totally understand the birthday situation. I can also relate to the social media thing. When you see that person acting “normally” with others but then when around you they aren’t (or avoiding you) it’s a killer.

My GF is the same around her friends but I think it’s just a mask or an opportunity to revisit that normality which is an escape for her. I can’t help but take it personally because I wonder why she isn’t like that with me.

Trust me – if she has had this amount of space now and not tried to reach out to you then I would concentrate on YOU now. You are a person who deserves a life. I should listen to my own advice here as I’m doing the same – thinking about it all waking hours but once the realisation kicks in that there are other things to be getting on with in life it will become easier.

Hit the gym, ride a bike, start making something like a project to keep your mind off it, go for a run. You will destroy yourself if you keep going over it in your mind.

As much as you are longing for her to get in touch, ask yourself, would you do this to her? The answer is no – so why is it acceptable for her to do it with you?

I know this isn’t what you want to hear and you want people to say “hang in there buddy it will all work out” but no one knows that for sure and the hurt of shattered hope can be worse than the hurt of a relationship ending.

I’m such a hypocrite saying all this and maybe it’s my subconscious telling me what to do as I type to you.

Is there any way to PM on here? I’m happy to be a lifeline should you ever need it bro…

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Chris G

Trust me I’ve thought about just leaving the whole situation. But I need that closure. She kinda just left me hanging, we didn’t break up, she didn’t tell me she didn’t wanna talk anymore or anything so I’m just left wondering. I don’t drown myself in sadness thinking about it, it’s just the little things that remind me of her. Like something she likes, seeing something of hers that’s left at my house, videos, throughout the day I’m fine it’s just when I stop moving is when the thoughts come flooding. As for the pm thing, I don’t know if there’s a way to communicate aside from leaving comments.

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Lonely Boyf

No worries – well look I’ve got email alerts set up so I know when someone replies.

It’s crap that you haven’t had closure and I hope you manage to get it one way or another.

I still think of my ex when certain songs come on etc but now they make me smile rather than sad as they are just memories from an older chapter of my life.

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Chris G

For some reason when you keep replying on here the text box gets smaller and smaller. But yeah I’m sure I’ll move on from eventually if need be but it’ll be hard not comparing other females to her because she was my type inside and out.

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Carla

Yes, it’s sad to hear that so many of us are left alone with our sadness. And we cannot stop loving the person that hurts us so much. But my Mom said that love endures a lot. I know that there is nothing I can do right now, especially not when my ex thinks he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he can find happiness without me. But I will still be there for him for a very long time. I have said hurtful things in anger, too. I cannot imagine what is going on in his mind. He must feel so many bad things, shame, guilt, despair. I cannot judge him right now. Whatever he says right now, might not be what he really wants. I think he just wants to feel better. And relieving himself from the responsibility for another person might help for a second. I think it’s hard for people that do not know how to hang on to their own lives, to let somebody else in. Why would anybody want to share the darkness and pain that they have inside of them? If they love someone, they will not want to do this to them and rather isolate themselves. We can only pray that therapy and medication puts them into a better space someday. For my own sake, I have to hold on to the hope that he can get better again. And once he is healthy, we might be able to talk to each other again. I read somewhere that emotions don’t last forever. So whatever is reality right now, might feel different in future. I will just pray that his feelings can return because we had the best moments in time together. I have never felt so perfectly in sync with anybody else before the fights and withdrawal started due to the illness. I will try to heal and be the best version of me. I deserve to be loved. And I think new beginnings are also a chance to not repeat past mistakes. Once something has gone, we value it so much more. Time will tell. I really hope that some of us are rewarded for the patience and understanding that we offer to our loved ones. My sister said it takes 2-3 weeks to recover from a bad flu. And if your soul is broken, it will take much more time than we healthy people might think. I think we shouldn’t give up until our own emotions have changed to the point where we cannot hold on anymore.

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Karen Young

I can hear how much you love him – so purely and open-heartedly. You so much deserve the same love back – and it is there for you. Love and healing to you.

Reply
Chris

Amen to this. Lords knows I’m trying to be patient with her, I just hope I’m not waiting for nothing and wasting my time when in reality she’s moved on from me and I don’t know it yet…

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