Terms of Use 

Thank you for visiting Hey Sigmund. I love that you are here and hope you will find plenty of useful information. I hope that you stay a while and that you will come back again – hopefully many ‘agains’. To make sure we’re all kept safe, there are some rules. Nothing unusual or dramatic, but best that we all know where we stand.

What You Agree To In Using This Website

Your use of this website means that you agree to the following terms of use.

What This Website Is – And Isn’t 

The articles, information and comments on this website provide general information only and do not constitute advice in any way.

It is important to me that the information provided on this site is thoughtful, detailed, well-researched and relevant, but it is just a guide. What is best for you will depend on your personal history and circumstances. For this reason, if you require more support, information or guidance in relation to a particular issue, please speak with a medical practitioner or counsellor who will be able to take the time to understand the detail of you, your history and your circumstances, and use this to advise you on the most effective course of action.

If you are in need of more immediate support, please click here.

Just to be clear … 

You must not use this website or any information, articles, images or anything in connection to this website for anything that breaks the law.

Intellectual Property

The design, information and articles on this website are subject to copyright owned by Karen Young, or used under licence from a third party. As such the design, information and articles are protected by international copyright laws. 

Content Share Guidelines

Here at Hey Sigmund, we love you sharing our work as much as we love you reading it.  Just a few things to keep in mind:

•  You are welcome to share links to any content contained in Hey Sigmund. The truth is, we’ll love you for it.

•  You are welcome to quote up to 75 words of content from any article in your own blog articles as long as you attribute ownership. Attribute Karen Young and www.heysigmund.com as the source and please create a link to the original Hey Sigmund article you are referencing.

•  Unless you obtain our prior written consent (which we may grant in exceptional circumstances) the republication or reprinting of full or substantial sections of any articles in form or word for word on the web is not permitted, even if you provide full credit and links back to us. 

•  You are not permitted to profit from the use of our content.

•  This one goes without saying but since we’re talking anyway … you cannot claim our content as your own original ideas.

•  If you are wanting to print hard copies other than for personal use, please contact us for consent (which will never be withheld for a good cause). 

Email Communication

When you subscribe to our newsletter by entering your email address through the newsletter sign-up on the website or through the newsletter pop-up that may appear on the website, you will be added to our mailing list. We will never spam you and we will never provide your details to anyone else. You can unsubscribe from this list at any time.

Third Party Links

This website contains links to other websites which are not under our control. Because of this, we are not responsible for the content or working of those sites. If external links are used on this site, we would typically approve of the content of those links but we do not take any responsibility for any part of those websites, nor do we endorse or provide any warranty in relation to those websites and the content they contain. The links may not remain current and as they are outside of our control, your use of them is at your own risk.

Privacy Policy

For full details of our privacy policy, please see here.

Indemnity

We rely on you to abide by these terms of use. If you do not comply with these terms of use and we suffer any loss or damage or incur any costs as a result of your non-compliance, you agree to indemnify us for those losses, damages and costs. You also agree to indemnify us from and against all actions, claims, suits, demands, damages, liabilities, costs or expenses that arise out of your use of the website.

Join our newsletter

We would love you to follow us on Social Media to stay up to date with the latest Hey Sigmund news and upcoming events.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

karenyoung_heysigmund

Hello Adelaide! I’ll be in Adelaide on Friday 27 June to present a full-day workshop on anxiety.

This is not just another anxiety workshop, and is for anyone who lives or works with young people - therapists, educators, parents, OTs - anyone.

Tickets are still available. Search Hey Sigmund workshops for a full list of events, dates, and to buy tickets or see here https://www.heysigmund.com/public-events/

View

May 6

Open
Hello Adelaide! I’ll be in Adelaide on Friday 27 June to present a full-day workshop on anxiety. This is not just another anxiety workshop, and is for anyone who lives or works with young people - therapists, educators, parents, OTs - anyone. Tickets are still available. Search Hey Sigmund workshops for a full list of events, dates, and to buy tickets or see here https://www.heysigmund.com/public-events/

karenyoung_heysigmund

First we decide, ‘Is this discomfort from something unsafe or is it from something growthful?’

Then ask, ‘Is this a time to lift them out of the brave space, or support them through it?’

To help, look at how they’ll feel when they (eventually) get through it. If they could do this bravely thing easily tomorrow, would they feel proud? Happy? Excited? Grateful they did it?

‘Brave’ isn’t about outcome. It’s about handling the discomfort of the brave space and the anxiety that comes with that. They don’t have to handle it all at once. The move through the brave space can be a shuffle rather than a leap.

The more we normalise the anxiety they feel, and the more we help them feel safer with it (see ‘Hey Warrior’ or ‘Ups and Downs’ for a hand with this), the more we strengthen their capacity to move through the brave space with confidence. This will take time, experience, and probably lots of anxiety along the way. It’s just how growth is.

We don’t need to get rid of their anxiety. The key is to help them recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They won’t believe this until they experience it. Anxiety shrinks the feeling of brave, not the capacity for it.

What’s important is supporting them through the brave space lovingly, gently (though sometimes it won’t feel so gentle) and ‘with’, little step by little step. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they’re forward.♥️

View

Apr 22

Open
First we decide, ‘Is this discomfort from something unsafe or is it from something growthful?’ Then ask, ‘Is this a time to lift them out of the brave space, or support them through it?’ To help, look at how they’ll feel when they (eventually) get through it. If they could do this bravely thing easily tomorrow, would they feel proud? Happy? Excited? Grateful they did it? ‘Brave’ isn’t about outcome. It’s about handling the discomfort of the brave space and the anxiety that comes with that. They don’t have to handle it all at once. The move through the brave space can be a shuffle rather than a leap. The more we normalise the anxiety they feel, and the more we help them feel safer with it (see ‘Hey Warrior’ or ‘Ups and Downs’ for a hand with this), the more we strengthen their capacity to move through the brave space with confidence. This will take time, experience, and probably lots of anxiety along the way. It’s just how growth is. We don’t need to get rid of their anxiety. The key is to help them recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They won’t believe this until they experience it. Anxiety shrinks the feeling of brave, not the capacity for it. What’s important is supporting them through the brave space lovingly, gently (though sometimes it won’t feel so gentle) and ‘with’, little step by little step. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they’re forward.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Of course we’ll never ever stop loving them. But when we send them away (time out),
ignore them, get annoyed at them - it feels to them like we might.

It’s why more traditional responses to tricky behaviour don’t work the way we think they did. The goal of behaviour becomes more about avoiding any chance of disconnection. It drive lies and secrecy more than learning or their willingness to be open to us.

Of course, no parent is available and calm and connected all the time - and we don’t need to be.

It’s about what we do most, how we handle their tricky behaviour and their big feelings, and how we repair when we (perhaps understandably) lose our cool. (We’re human and ‘cool’ can be an elusive little beast at times for all of us.)

This isn’t about having no boundaries. It isn’t about being permissive. It’s about holding boundaries lovingly and with warmth.

The fix:

- Embrace them, (‘you’re such a great kid’). Reject their behaviour (‘that behaviour isn’t okay’).

- If there’s a need for consequences, let this be about them putting things right, rather than about the loss of your or affection.

- If they tell the truth, even if it’s about something that takes your breath away, reward the truth. Let them see you’re always safe to come to, no matter what.

We tell them we’ll love them through anything, and that they can come to us for anything, but we have to show them. And that behaviour that threatens to steal your cool, counts as ‘anything’.

- Be guided by your values. The big ones in our family are honesty, kindness, courage, respect. This means rewarding honesty, acknowledging the courage that takes, and being kind and respectful when they get things wrong. Mean is mean. It’s not constructive. It’s not discipline. It’s not helpful. If we would feel it as mean if it was done to us, it counts as mean when we do it to them.

Hold your boundary, add the warmth. And breathe.

Big behaviour and bad decisions don’t come from bad kids. They come from kids who don’t have the skills or resources in the moment to do otherwise.

Our job as their adults is to help them build those skills and resources but this takes time. And you. They can’t do this without you.❤️

View

Apr 21

Open
Of course we’ll never ever stop loving them. But when we send them away (time out), ignore them, get annoyed at them - it feels to them like we might. It’s why more traditional responses to tricky behaviour don’t work the way we think they did. The goal of behaviour becomes more about avoiding any chance of disconnection. It drive lies and secrecy more than learning or their willingness to be open to us. Of course, no parent is available and calm and connected all the time - and we don’t need to be. It’s about what we do most, how we handle their tricky behaviour and their big feelings, and how we repair when we (perhaps understandably) lose our cool. (We’re human and ‘cool’ can be an elusive little beast at times for all of us.) This isn’t about having no boundaries. It isn’t about being permissive. It’s about holding boundaries lovingly and with warmth. The fix: - Embrace them, (‘you’re such a great kid’). Reject their behaviour (‘that behaviour isn’t okay’). - If there’s a need for consequences, let this be about them putting things right, rather than about the loss of your or affection. - If they tell the truth, even if it’s about something that takes your breath away, reward the truth. Let them see you’re always safe to come to, no matter what. We tell them we’ll love them through anything, and that they can come to us for anything, but we have to show them. And that behaviour that threatens to steal your cool, counts as ‘anything’. - Be guided by your values. The big ones in our family are honesty, kindness, courage, respect. This means rewarding honesty, acknowledging the courage that takes, and being kind and respectful when they get things wrong. Mean is mean. It’s not constructive. It’s not discipline. It’s not helpful. If we would feel it as mean if it was done to us, it counts as mean when we do it to them. Hold your boundary, add the warmth. And breathe. Big behaviour and bad decisions don’t come from bad kids. They come from kids who don’t have the skills or resources in the moment to do otherwise. Our job as their adults is to help them build those skills and resources but this takes time. And you. They can’t do this without you.❤️

karenyoung_heysigmund

We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them).

All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos.

We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be.

Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space.

Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time.

Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.)

Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode.

This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’

If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it.

The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need.

The fix?

- First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it.

- Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour.

- Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️

View

Apr 13

Open
We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them). All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos. We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be. Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space. Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time. Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.) Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode. This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’ If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it. The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need. The fix? - First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it. - Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour. - Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety.

The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults.

Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us.

All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible.

In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families.

This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection.

We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them.

This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe.

Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection.

Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does.

And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way.

‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’

‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’

‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️

#parenting #gentleparenting #parent #parentingwithrespect

View

Apr 6

Open
Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety. The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults. Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us. All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible. In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families. This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection. We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them. This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe. Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection. Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does. And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way. ‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’ ‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’ ‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️ #parenting #gentleparenting #parent #parentingwithrespect

View Cart Checkout Continue Shopping

Pin It on Pinterest