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An Easy Way to Develop Empathy in Children and Adults

How to Develop Empathy in Children and Adults

Being able to understand what other people might be feeling – empathy – is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence and healthy, successful relationships. Empathy is a little bit of wonderful for everyone, so anything that can boost it has to be a good thing. Research has found reading fiction is an easy way to do this.

By following the inner lives of characters in fictional stories, readers are able to form ideas about the emotions, motives, and ideas of people in real life. The way we understand people in stories is similar to the way we understand people in the real world.

Understanding stories requires the capacity to understand the characters – how they’re feeling, what they’re going through, their relationships. It’s not surprising the, that rResearch has confirmed a link between reading fiction and an increased capacity to empathise. 

‘What’s a piece of fiction, what’s a novel, what’s a short story, what’s a play or movie or television series? It’s a piece of consciousness being passed from mind to mind. When you’re reading or watching a drama, you’re taking in a piece of consciousness that you make your own … That seems an exciting idea.’ – Professor Keith Oatley, University of Toronto Department of Applied Psychology and Human Development.

Let’s Talk About the Research.

A study, published in the journal Trends in Cognitive Science, found that reading fictional stories was connected to higher empathy scores than reading nonfiction. To measure empathy, the researchers showed photographs of people’s eyes to participants. They then asked the participants to choose one of four terms they believed best described what the person in the photograph was thinking or feeling. Similar results have been found when participants watched fictional drama (The West Wing), or played a video game with a fictional storyline (Gone Home – a detective game). 

The most important characteristic of being human is that our lives are social … What’s distinctive about humans is that we make social arrangements with other people – with friends, with lovers, with children – that aren’t pre-programmed by instinct. Fiction can augment and help us understand our social experience.’ – Professor Keith Oatley.

Stories communicate truths about human psychology and relationships, and when we read about characters, we gain insight into our own experiences.

Research has also shown that fiction can increase empathy for a race or culture that is different to our own. One study found that people who had read a fictional story about a Muslim woman in New York (Saffron Dreams by Shaila Abdullah) had less bias in the perception of Arab and Caucasian faces compared to a group that read non-fiction.

Humans have told stories since the beginning of time. When something is so pervasive across time and culture, it’s likely to have a good reason for being there.

‘Almost all human cultures create stories that, until now, have been rather dismissively called ‘entertainment … I think there is also something more important going on.’ – Professor Keith Oatley. 

How to Develop Empathy in Children …

According to information presented at the American Psychological Association’s 122nd Annual Convention, over 75% of books are read to preschoolers refer to the mental states of the characters. An in-depth analysis of 90 books for 3-4 year olds and 5-6 year olds found that mental state was referred to every three sentences or so.

Stories for children also tend to involve complex concepts, such as the understanding that people sometimes have different opinions, ideas and beliefs. This is something that develops in children from about age three. Until then, children generally believe that all people think the same way and believe the same things as they do. There is limited understanding that not everyone sees the world through their eyes. Children younger than three would, for example, have trouble understanding that some people might prefer milk over lemonade.

‘Children between the ages of 3 and 5 years old acquire a theory-of-mind, in other words, an understanding that other people have thoughts, beliefs and desires that may differ from their own … Around the same ages, children also begin to understand what characters in stories are feeling and thinking,’ – Raymond Mar, psychologist, York University, Canada.

Children who read stories with their parents seem to be more empathic than those who don’t. An important factor in this is the conversation that happens between the adult and the child during story-telling. 

In a recent study, Mar found that children who were read a story about honesty acted more honestly when they were given the opportunity to lie or cheat.

As well as anything that can come from the words in the book, the actual experience of sitting with a child during story-telling is also important. The discussions that are sparked by a story, such as talking about feelings, mental states, ideas and opinions seem to happen more during reading than at other times during day to day life. These discussions play an important role in the development of the child.

As well as books, watching movies also increases performance in theory-of-mind tests. (The understanding in children that other people might have different thoughts, needs, motives, beliefs and intentions.) The more television a child watches however, the worse they perform.

The exact mechanism underlying this isn’t clear, however one theory is that as with reading to a child, during a movie (compared to television) there is more conversation between the parent and the child. Parents are more likely to talk to children more about mental states. Another theory is that children have more trouble following a television show because of the regular intrusion of commercials.

And finally …

Everything we experience helps to shape the way we experience the world and the way we are in it. Stories that are fictional create a world that encourages an exploration and experimentation with real human experiences and qualities, nurturing empathy, one of the most beautiful of human qualities, along the way.

18 Comments

Amelia R. Rey, L.C.S.W.

I truly believe this is something that is lacking in our children these days. As a counselor in an elementary school I try to emphasize this when I go into the classrooms during my Character Formation Lessons.

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Adele

I find this very interesting. My son who is 12 and has Aspergers doesn’t particularly like fiction stories and much prefers to read non-fiction. He rarely shows any empathy and it’s helpful to know how I can help him develop this by being very present in these areas.

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Lynde F. Ugoretz

I agree with this article. I work with preschool children. It would have been helpful to provide a few examples of books that would help foster empathy.

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Margaret Wilson

I live with recurring depression and I am working hard at understanding and minimising its power. I quickly recognise it in other people though I can’t say I’ve read much fiction in my 66 years. I do, however, read as many books and articles on the subject as I can. I live with a man who never reads or watches any type of fiction on TV or goes to the cinema and he is quite unable to recognise when I need emotional help. I’ve never seen his parents touch one another or even speak lovingly to each other and, they too, never read fiction, watch fictional TV or go to the cinema. During my last episode of depression (during a change in medication because of sleep problems) I printed out an article on how to help someone with depression but he wouldn’t read it, saying that he didn’t need anyone to tell him how to behave. I’m leaving him on Tuesday.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Margaret you sound strong and clear. I imagine this wouldn’t have been an easy decision to make. You deserve to feel loved and happy and I wish you all the very best.

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Stan G

I agree wholeheartedly with this article.

I used to read fiction stories avidly as a child, and still do, and my empathy towards others is such that I can read micro-emotions in everyone I meet. I know of several people who show little to no empathy towards others and they are non-fiction readers.

This article makes complete sense to me and my understanding of those people who read non-fiction.

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Sarah

Thank you for a great article. My son is a very sensitive child & his empathy is very noticeable. I think there is a level of hereditary markers in empathy but building on it to become a positive quality in a person is a parent/adults responsibility to help, or as you say, nurture that in a child. The worrying aspect is that the empathetic child may be the child who is bullied. I hope I’m wrong.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Yes absolutely – nature and nurture can both have a hand in empathy, but nature is not destiny. The environment we provide for our kids is so important. I wish all kids with empathy could grow up protected from the ones whose hearts are a little harder. And if they are targeted, the message is that nothing stays the same – even bullies. For kids with empathy, their social and emotional intelligence will hold them strong.

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Sue F

I didn’t start to really read until I was in my twenties and was waiting at the airport for a plane. Talk about escapism! I haven’t stopped since and is one of my favourite past-times.

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Steve Cripe RN

Unlike children, by the time we are adults I believe that either you have empathy, or you don’t. It is my belief and experience that empathy must be gained and understood by the time we are adults, which is why teaching empathy and compassion in grade schools is so important.

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Niels Teunis

I love the research on reading. I love to read and so my girl. But I don’t like the notion that we have to “teach,” “instill,” or “develop” empathy. I have found empathy to be inherently present in children. What really nourishes this is our ability to empathize with children, not come at them with stuff they need to develop. It’s all there. If you can’t see it, you need work on empathy. Not your child.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Niels, if all children had empathy, there would be no bullying. Similarly, there would be no children who grew up to be adults without empathy. The seeds of empathy might be there in children but it is something that certainly needs to be nurtured and developed. Teaching isn’t always an explicit, obvious process. It comes in the gentle subtle ways too – but it is all important. If all children had empathy, there would be no bullying, and there would be no adults who were without empathy. Nobody is suggesting ‘coming at them’. It’s about being a gentle, loving, strong presence and actively nurturing the qualities they need to be healthy, thriving adults.

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Dondon

Niels and Karen, I think in a way, you are both right. . A child who bullies is not without empathy. A child who bullies is a deeply hurt fearful child who lost his connection to others and needs help to rediscover the empathy in him and reopen its door and be willing to become vulnerable again. Even bullies have read books. But I also agree with the research that reading can help a child explore different ways to empathise. Empathy is like any muscle, it’s there but needs practice to be strengthened.
@karen: thank you for your blog! I enjoy reading it.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Beautifully said. You’re absolutely right that many bullies have hearts that are hurting. There is also evidence coming through that some kids become bullies when they are over-indulged and raised without limits. The problem with this is that they aren’t encouraged to practice empathy in relation to others – the ’empathy’ muscle isn’t given a chance to strengthen. I love that this conversation is happening.

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Anxiety in kids is tough for everyone - kids and the adults who care about them.

It’s awful for them and confusing for us. Do we move them forward? Hold them back? Is this growing them? Hurting them?

As long as they are safe - as long as they feel cared for through it and their bodies feel okay - anxiety doesn’t mean something is wrong. 
It also doesn’t mean they aren’t capable.

It means there is a gap: ‘I want to, but I don’t know that I’ll be okay.’

As long as they are safe, they don’t need to avoid the situation. They need to keep going, with support, so they can gather the evidence they need. This might take time and lots of experiences.

The brain will always abandon the ‘I want to,’ in any situation that doesn’t have enough evidence - yet - that they’re safe.

Here’s the problem. If we support avoidance of safe situations, the brain doesn’t get the experience it needs to know the difference between hard, growthful things (like school, exams, driving tests, setting boundaries, job interviews, new friendships) and dangerous things. 

It takes time and lots of experience to be able to handle the discomfort of anxiety - and all hard, important, growthful things will come with anxiety.

The work for us isn’t to hold them back from safe situations (even though we’ll want to) but to help them feel supported through the anxiety.

This is part of helping them gather the evidence their brains and bodies need to know they can feel safe and do hard things, even when they are anxious.

Think of the space between comfortable (before the growthful thing) and ‘I’ve done the important, growthful thing,’ as ‘the brave space’. 

But it never feels brave. It feels like anxious, nervous, stressed, scared, awkward, clumsy. It’s all brave - because that’s what anxiety is. It’s handling the discomfort of the brave space while they inch toward the important thing.

Any experience in the brave space matters. Even if it’s just little steps at a time. Why? Because this is where they learn that they don’t need to be scared of anxiety when they’re heading towards something important. As long as they are safe, the anxiety of the brave space won’t hurt them. It will grow them.❤️
In the first few days or weeks of school, feelings might get big. This might happen before school (the anticipation) or after school (when their nervous systems reach capacity).

As long as they are safe (relationally, physiologically) their anxiety is normal and understandable and we don’t need to ‘fix’ it or rush them through it. 

They’re doing something big, something brave. Their brains and bodies will be searching for the familiar in the unfamiliar. They’re getting to know new routines, spaces, people. It’s a lot! Feeling safe in that might take time. But feeling safe and being safe are different. 

We don’t need to stop their anxiety or rush them through it. Our work is to help them move with it. Because when they feel anxious, and get safely through the other side of that anxiety, they learn something so important: they learn they can do hard things - even when they feel like they don’t have what it takes, they can do hard things. We know this about them already, but they’ll need experience in safe, caring environments, little by little, to know this for themselves.

Help them move through it by letting them know that all their feelings are safe with you, that their feelings make sense, and at the end of the day, let those feelings do what they need to. If they need to burst out of them like a little meteor shower, that’s okay. Maybe they’ll need to talk, or not, or cry, or get loud, or play, or be still, or messy for a while. That’s okay. It’s a nervous system at capacity looking for the release valve. It’s not a bad child. It’s never that. 

Tomorrow might be tricker, and the next day trickier, until their brains and bodies get enough experience that this is okay.

As long as they are safe, and they get there, it all counts. It’s all brave. It’s all enough.❤️
Anxiety on the first days or weeks of school is so normal. Why? Because all growthful, important, brave things come with anxiety.

Think about how you feel on their first day of school, or before a job interview, or a first date, or a tricky conversation when you’re setting a boundary. They all come with anxiety.

We want our kids to be able to do all of these things, but this won’t happen by itself. 

Resilience is built - one anxious little step after another. These anxious moments are necessary to learn that ‘I can feel anxious, and do brave.’ ‘I can feel anxious and still do what I need to do.’

As long as the are safe, the anxiety they feel in the first days or weeks of school aren’t a sign that something is wrong. It’s part of their development and a sign that something so right is happening - they’re learning that they can handle anxiety.

Even if they handle it terribly, that’s okay. We all wobble before we walk. Our job is not to protect them from the wobble. If we do, they won’t get to the walking part. 

To support them, remind them that this is scary-safe, not scary-dangerous. Then, ‘Is this a time for you to be safe or brave?’

Then, ask yourself, ‘Is this something dangerous or something growthful?’ ‘Is my job to protect them from the discomfort of that growth, or show them they are so very capable, and that they can handle this discomfort?’

Even if they handle it terribly, as long as they’re not avoiding it, they’re handling it. That matters.

Remember, anxiety is a feeling. It will come and then it will go. It might not go until you leave, but we have to give them the opportunity to feel it go.

Tomorrow and the next day and the next might be worse - that’s how anxiety works. And then it will ease.

This is why we don’t beat anxiety by avoiding it. We beat it by outlasting it. But first, we have to handle our distress at their distress.

We breathe, then we love and lead:

‘I know you feel […] Of course you do. You’re doing something big and this is how big things feel sometimes. It’s okay to feel like this. School is happening but we have five minutes. Do you want me to listen to your sad, or give you a hug, or help you distract from it?’❤️
When terrible things happen, we want to make sense of things for our kids, but we can’t. Not in a way that feels like enough. Some things will never make any sense at all.

But here’s what you need to know: You don’t need to make sense of what’s happened to help them feel safe and held. We only need to make sense of how they feel about it - whatever that might be.

The research tells us so clearly that kids and teens are more likely to struggle after a tr@umatic event if they believe their response isn’t normal. 

This is because they’ll be more likely to interpret their response as a deficiency or a sign of breakage.

Normalising their feelings also helps them feel woven into a humanity that is loving and kind and good, and who feels the same things they do when people are hurt. 

‘How you feel makes sense to me. I feel that way too. I know we’ll get through this, and right now it’s okay to feel sad/ scared/ angry/ confused/ outraged. Talk to me whenever you want to and as much as you want to. There’s nothing you can feel or say that I can’t handle.’

And when they ask for answers that you don’t have (that none of us have) it’s always okay to say ‘I don’t know.’ 

When this happens, respond to the anxiety behind the question. 

When we can’t give them certainty about the ‘why’, give them certainty that you’ll get them through this. 

‘I don’t know why people do awful things. And I don’t need to know that to know we’ll get through this. There are so many people who are working hard to keep us safe so something like this doesn’t happen again, and I trust them.’

Remind them that they are held by many - the helpers at the time, the people working to make things safer.

We want them to know that they are woven in to a humanity that is good and kind and loving. Because however many people are ready to do the hurting, there always be far more who are ready to heal, help, and protect. This is the humanity they are part of, and the humanity they continue to build by being who they are.♥️