How to Nurture Self-Regulation in Children and Teens

Mom and son hug in How to Nurture Self-Regulation in Children

The same part of the brain children need to safely cross a busy road is the same part they need to regulate. This part of the brain is called the pre-frontal cortex, and it helps with all the things we humans love in other humans. It helps us make (good) deliberate decisions, think through consequences, problem-solve, plan, and calm big feelings.

It’s development takes time and lots of experience. In girls, full development of the pre-frontal cortex will happen at early to mid-twenties, and in boys, closer to 30. In the meantime, we need to keep our expectations developmentally appropriate. As with all important things, children don’t learn from harsh words or a harsh responses. None of us do. They learn by watching, and by doing with us, over and over.

In the same way we wouldn’t expect a young child to cross a busy road by themselves, we have to recognise that the capacity to self-regulate big feelings will also take time to strengthen. As the prefrontal cortex develops, our young loves will be more able to self-regulate, but of course some days the capacity will feel threadbare, as it does with all of us sometimes. Even for us as adults with a fully developed pre-frontal cortex, there will be times when our big feelings will get the better of us and we’ll say or do things we shouldn’t. 

Just like crossing the road, the capacity for self-regulation will emerge in time, provided they have the right experience. The experience they need is our calm, strong, loving presence in the face of their big feelings. Think of it like being their anchor in their emotional storm. Breathe, feel what they feel, and be with. Then wait for the storm to pass. You don’t need to fix anything. They aren’t broken. This is part of how they grow, not a diversion from it.


Let go of any agenda to ‘get them to behave’ or to ‘control themselves’. The more we hold on to an agenda, the more impatient we’ll be, and the more disappointed or angry we’ll be when things don’t go as expected.

During big feelings, preserve your connection as much as you can. This will maximise your influence when things come back to calm. This is not the time to talk about what’s happened, what can be done differently next time, and any ‘putting right’ that might be needed. When they are calm, they’ll be in a brain state more compatible with learning. There’s no hurry for this.

In the same way we have to keep our expectations of our children developmentally appropriate, we have to keep our expectations of ourselves humanly appropriate. Sometimes we’ll lose our minds (literally, lose our thinking minds) and go back to impulse and instinct when we’re in front of big feelings. We’re human, and that’s what humans do sometimes. A child in big feelings will trigger our own fight or flight, but instead of fighting or fleeing for them, we might be driven to fight with them or flee from them. If this happens, repair the rupture as soon as you can. This is an opportunity to model humility, the okay-ness of imperfection, responsibility (response-ability) and putting things right – all important growth points.

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We know there are too many kids struggling right now, including those from loving, responsive families and in loving, responsive schools. 

One of the places these struggles will show themselves is at school, even in the most loving responsive ones. Sometimes these struggles show themselves with a roar, sometimes with nothing at all.

Too many kids are feeling no sense at all that they matter. They don’t feel they are doing something that matters, and they don’t feel that they matter to others.

Too many of them will go weeks at school without hearing their name in a way that makes them feel seen, cared for, and valued.

Too many of them are showing up at school but are noticed more when they don’t, even if only by the unticked box beside their name.

For too many kids, we are asking them to show up when they don’t feel like they have anything to offer, or anything at all to show up for. Why wouldn’t they struggle?

This week I had the greatest privilege of speaking to a room of 300 school well-being staff about how to support all children, how to catch the ones who are struggling, and what we can do to buffer, protect and heal all young people at school.

If you are a parent of a young person who is struggling, I want you to know that schools are working hard to hold them, lovingly and safely.

I know there are also many parents who haven’t had this experience, and your children haven’t got what they need. I know that. I want you to know that change is happening. I want you to know what I see when I work with the wellbeing staff at these schools. They care. They really do. They are so invested in supporting your children, seeing the child behind the student and showing up big for all of them. The work is happening. There’s a lot to do, but it’s happening.

Yes we need more resources, and yes more people, and yes we’re asking more of our schools and teachers than ever, and yes the world is asking more of our kids than ever, but the work is happening.

Thank you to the Department of Education Queensland for working with me, and thank you to the wellbeing staff, teachers, and leadership who are giving everything they can to be there for our children. You matter.♥️
Over the past the past 24 hours, I’ve been in Devonport, Tasmania to deliver two sessions to parents and carers - ‘Big Feelings, Connection, and Confidence’, then later an open Q and A where parents brought their real life questions - and we talked.

Thank you for welcoming me so warmly, and for trusting me with your questions, your stories, and your vulnerability. 

This was an openness where real change begins. Parenting is hard - beautiful and messy and hard. In the last 24 hours, I’ve been moved by the openness and honesty of parents I’ve shared space with. This is where generational patterns start to shift.

So many of the parents I met are already doing this deep, brave work. The questions asked were honest, raw, and profoundly human — the kind of questions that can feel heavy and isolating until you hear someone else ask them too.

Our children will grow in the most incredible ways if we allow them the space, and if we hold that space with love and leadership and a curious mind. And, if we open ourselves to them, and are willing to shift and stretch and grow, they will grow us too.

Thank you to @devonportevents for everything you’ve done to make these events happen.♥️
Can’t wait for this! I’ll be in Devonport, Tasmania next week to present two talks for parents and carers. 

The first is on Monday evening 19 May for a talk about how to support big feelings, behaviour and regulation in young people. This is not just another anxiety talk. You’ll walk away feeling hopeful, empowered, and with strategies you can start using straight away. 

Then, on Tuesday morning 20 May, I’ll be giving another talk for parents and carers but this will be a Q&A. Bring your questions to me! Even if you don’t have questions, the ones I answer will be loaded with practical information that will support you in your parenting journey. 

So grateful to @devonportevents for organising the events. They are public talks, open to everyone. 

Tickets available at Humanitix - search Devonport events and scroll down until you find me! 

Would love to see you there.♥️

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