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mary

First great work of the author that wrote this artictle, it helped me understand some things better. i mean i just found out that my best friend can actually be toxic. She seems to do like 9/12 of the points above but i m not sure if she is and how can i deal with her being toxic without losing completely this person, hell i dont even know if i am toxic. Cause sometimes toxic people can turn it against you and make you feel you are the toxic one, it is pretty complicated if you thing about it. Feel free for suggestions and opinions.

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michelle

“Hello,
Watching years of marriage ends up hurting more than hell itself. I have been married for years with the hope that my husband and I will never leave after having lived together so much. Despite all, he told me that he was no longer interested in marriage, I could not say what led to this cause, we never really had a serious fight that could lead to such a decision . I was so much worse that I could not continue. One afternoon I was at home talking online with a close friend and reading an article, and then seeing how a woman got married. It really struck me because I never thought it was possible, I thought and tried. I contacted the assistant who was doing all these miracles. When I did, I told him about everything I went through during my marriage, then he assured me to stop crying and should believe that my husband will change his mind in seven days. I did my best to believe it, so I did everything he asked me and after the last seven days, my husband came to ask me to forgive him that he wanted to meet us together and that is now over five years old. now we are a happy family. Am I really grateful for this help for what he has done for me I mean his kindness. Contact this great man by: {{whatsapp{{ {{17692085860}}}} :: {{lovetemple0001}} {{ @} {{gmail }} . {{ com}}

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Auswoman_33

I want to say something to all of the people who have found this article and the support in the comments recently. I’ve been following this thread for several years. I have come SO far in processing the trauma and becoming stronger. I am FANTASTIC at setting boundaries, interactions with my narcissistic abuser are not anxiety inducing anymore. I feel strong and like a grown woman for the first time in my life. If you are reading this and are at the beginning of this journey into self discovery, please know you CAN do it. You are not alone. We are here for you.

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Racquel M

My boyfriend and I just broke up. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. It started out wonderful but after a year, it started to go downhill little by little.
I have always been independent so relationships are never easy for me. I’ve never lived with anyone or been married. Whenever he or any other boyfriend I had even mentioned moving in or marriage, I panicked. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
We are both to blame for the disagreements, arguments, and things that have gone wrong. But I was worse. The more we were together, the less emotionally available or demonstrative I was. I would get hurt or disappointed by something he did or said and either we fought or I shut down.
I feel that I’ve been a terrible girlfriend. I feel that I should never get into another relationship. What’s wrong with me? In every relationship I had, I always fall out of love. Even though I initiated this breakup, I feel awful. At times, I just want him back. At other times, I feel this is the right decision. I feel like I’m going crazy. Does anyone ever feel like I do? Should I stay broken up or crawl back, ask for forgiveness and try to make it work? Are relationships supposed to feel so difficult?

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Justin

I really like your approach to this subject and am glad to see this kind of advice out there. This is a huge turning point for parents and the relationships they can try to foster with their teens, who often feel like young-adult “roomates”. Your facts and opinions are spot on and offer a much more realistic approach to this dreaded phase of parenting. However, I have a question that I cant seem to find an answer/opinion on. How honest should I be about my past? How much is too much honesty? As a teenager, I was pretty straight-laced. Sports, decent enough grades, middle-of-the-road social life. After graduation, while working to save money for school, I ended up getting very serious playing in a band and it influenced me to work really hard at music, instead of college/military etc. You meet a lot of creative and amazing people, and drug use among this culture is a norm, and often part of the process, not always for the good. It becomes as much of an albatross as it can be as a tool, and often spoils creative relationships when depended on too much for inspiration. I myself, never became enamored with any of the drugs we experimented with, and eventually became uninspired by the lifestyle and the grind of trying to make a living at it. I now live a normal-as-can-be, middle-class, family-centered life. However, I still enjoy jamming occasionally and dabbling in recording my own music…and I also enjoy a joint here and there when I delve into that space. I know, its prob silly at my age, etc, but it’s just a short get-away from normal concerns and dramas, enough for me to focus on what I’m into at that very moment. An older in-law gives it to me for free, a couple times a year, as it is legal to grow a small amount and “gift”it to a friend, in her state. I haven’t paid for it in 20 years and dont seek it out when it’s gone. My use defines “recreational”, and its harmless at best, even if a little immature.

My older daughter, 16, is an amazing athlete, straight-A’s student, popular among her peers and a genuinely good person. We have always been close, and even as her father, she still talks freely with me and confides in me for advice frequently about many things adults are usually excluded from. She has recently confided that she had tried smoking pot in a pipe a “couple times” with friends. We had a great talk about it and had a few laughs, as well as the serious parts of the conversation. We felt good that she wasn’t afraid to keep us in the loop, despite the possibility of discipline. More recently, when I was installing a wall mounted tv in her room, a screwdriver fell and rolled under her bed. When I reached under blindly to grab it, my hand came up with an empty vape pen, instead. Hours later she approached me away from her mom and sister to ask if I’d found it. I said I had, and we’d have to wait to talk about because mom wouldn’t handle it calmly, simply because smoking it “a couple times” at a sleepover is a much different story than having a spent vape pen under your bed, as the latter describes possible habitual use, which is obviously more concerning,, and also theres a ton of negative publicity right now concerning vaping and the dangers of it as opposed to smoking. We haven’t had a chance to continue this conversation, it’s been about a week. The timing hasn’t been right, and I’m struggling with 2 things: At some point during the discussion, I almost feel that I should eventually be honest about my occasional use? Would/could this be a show of honesty that buys me more trust in the long run? My wife is dead-set against me on this, and I have not told her about the vape pen yet, which could send her into “tough-love” mode with both of us. How honest is too honest? I dont want her to view me as a conspiring peer, but I also dont believe in freaking out and shaming her, for the use of it, or the deviation in the truth concerning the frequency and method of her use. Although it does make me uneasy….She knows about my past and I’ve been very honest about it, as my parents were very open with me from a young age. She may even have suspicions/conclusions about my present. I dont know. I am discreet but kids are too damn perceptive…I expected when this situation came up, that the truth to be a little altered, and im not so much worried about pot, but my uneasiness comes when I think about situations that may come up among her peers with harder, more addictive drugs. I know she will somehow randomly end up in that situation, at some point, no matter how much we talk about it and how well she seems to absorb our conversation. Will she strong enough to “not be cool” in those moments? This what keeps me awake at night.
Sorry for the novel…apparently I needed to vent. If anyone reads this, I apologize and thank you at the same time.

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Tessa

Can I please get an outsider’s opinion? I’ve known my fiance for 2yrd and we’ve been engaged almost 1. Ever since we started dated we’ve had fights about nudity in movies/shows. I know I’m not the only girl who feels this way but he has in the past called me crazy for asking him not to watch that stuff and even offering him a website that easily filters it out so he can still enjoy his movies. I dont believe every relationship should be that way, and if both partners are fine with seeing other people naked on screen more power to them but that isnt how I feel my relationship should be. He always would try to make it about “you’re projecting your insecurities on my life” but I dont believe at all that I’m insecure about it. It’s a relationship boundary that I always hoped he’d respect…. he always brings up how his past rela8never had a problem with him watching that stuff too and it bugs me because j feel like he expects me to be like them just so he can watch a movie…. my ground point is that he feels that it’s me projecting my insecurities and mostly trying to use what he watches as a way to control him and manipulate him. I’ve tried countless times talking to him about boundaries and sanctity/exclusivity is so important in a relationship to me but he doesnt believe that’s what its about…please help it’s the biggest problem in our relationship and will most likely end it if it’s not fixed

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Terry

Tessa, it sounds like this is a fundamental disagreement that marriage is not going to fix. If he doesn’t respect your views about nudity and exclusivity in a relationship, I imagine there are other things of equal importance (and even everyday decisions) that he won’t respect either – meaning that you’ll have to be the one to make all the changes, not him. Imo this more than a matter of personal preference like food or paint colors, but a world-outlook issue that affects both of you. I’m not a relationship expert and of course we only know what you’ve told us about him, but this is a situation I myself would not tolerate – not because of the nudity issue itself but his effective gaslighting of your feelings on such an important topic.

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britt

Currently I’m in a 10 yr relationship been lied to, and cheated on now I’m seeing the toxic signs the more I pay attention to his patterns whenever we get into a argument, which are normally sparked by me voicing my hurt or feelings about something, i used to just keep my feelings bottled but i refuse too anymore however the outcome is always “passive aggressive self-pity” which never resolves my hurt or feelings its almost as though I just don’t matter like im not allowed to be human and have a moment of weakness i love him but lately my heart just feels so empty and i don’t want to leave but I’m not whole here I just want to feel loved, please help

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Zoe C

It’s reassuring to hear the words that I don’t have to do my best after the divorce is fully processed and I just need to do.. enough. Enough for me to survive, and probably enough for my kids to survive with me. I finally got the courage to leave my abusive husband after ten years of enduring everything he’s given me and since it is really, really hard, I’m grateful that I came across your article. It might be better if I can talk to a divorce attorney so we can legally divide the assets and claim full custody of the kids.

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Rain

I can totally relate to the signs above ,we have been married for almost 3 years now, and there have been several instances where he just starts to give me a cold shoulder and I start to find ways to make it better but, in the end I never understand what went wrong? Sometimes he just blames it on his job that he had a bad day( I have requested him plenty of times to try for new jobs if, this one is affecting him so much but, he never tries). We are not financially stable,we are away from our families. When I try to talk to him about this he enters into arguments and is never willing to listen and understand what I have to say and always tries to get his way.

We both are working but since, the day I got married I have sacrificed everything,I save up money and give up on my wishes while he goes off spending on drinks and things, I find myself crying in corners of our apartment just thinking of a way out of all this, I miss my life before marriage but,I cant do anything about it I can’t hurt my side of the family by being a burden on them after divorce.

Now he even wants to have children and when I treid to explain him that we need time, that we are not financially settled and that I am not ready, he made a whole fuss about it he kicked away furniture in rage. Previously he punched our television,threw away food that I had cooked and this always happens. I dont understand what to do I feel trapped in my life.

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Rebecca E

This article just so happens to be exactly what I needed which I find ironic at the moment because it highlights something I intentionally have repeated to my two daughters since they were born. I tell them that they have a built in and generally accurate way of knowing if a person or situation isn’t right for them. If one of them isn’t sure if someone or something is healthy for them I tell them to think about how they feel in their body when they are around the person or situation. I watch as they discover that the answer is pretty clear as they remember that they did notice getting a stomach right before seeing the person or being in a situation that they weren’t sure about. I also try to remember to randomly ask them to notice how their body is feeling at the moment and if one says they have a tummy ache or something we then take some time to check in about our surroundings or who is around to see if maybe we can figure out who or what might be the cause of the bellyache or if they don’t have anything physical hurts or if they notice they feel better than usual they should take stock of what is happening around them or who is with them so they can make a mental note about the things/people around and look for more of it. Today my husband and I had another fight which doesn’t happen a lot but when it does is always the same even if the details differ. Typically I will be the one who feels hurt or victimized and when I try to let him know that whatever just happened hurt m feelings he immediately gets defensive and might deny his behavior or blame it on something or someone else, or he will ignore my feedback entirely and flip it suddenly to where something I did or said hurt his feelings first or something about how me telling him he had hurt my feelings was the real issue because he’s never good enough for me or that I’m always telling him he failed again etc. Today’s fight felt different to me. As I listened to myself I suddenly realized that, while it’s not every day or even every week that we fight at all-it’s always the same because he either can’t or doesn’t want to do things differently. Suddenly the disappointment I felt was gone and instead I felt relief. I have been walking on eggshells for so long and felt stuck but realizing what I did or didn’t do wasn’t going to make a difference because it was up to him. To then read this article and once again feeling relieved because the answer is pretty clear that if it was going to change it would have and it hurts so it’s hurtful and I can let go of the notion that maybe it’s going to finally click after this one and if I leave now and the happiness I dreamed of was right around the corner, I would have never forgiven myself for giving up too soon. Realizing I know what to do is also a relief because I really don’t want to keep wrestling with the same thing over until I go back and apologize for the fight so we could move on-after all if we discussed any of it we’d just fight. Ack! Enough. My tummy hurts. Thank you for reminding me the answer was there all along

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michelle

I believe that love is a choice. I am currently going through a divorce. I was recently questioned about whether or not I really ever loved my husband. After giving the question some thought, I came to the conclusion that love is a choice. It begins as lust, as you said, and grows through mutual respect and trust. As long as my husband was good to me, and I him, it was an easy choice. But as years went by, my husband became abusive. First, he lost my trust, then my respect, and at the end, I stopped making the choice to love him and I left. I don’t think this means that I never loved him, I did, and I do still care about him in the sense that I wish no harm on him. I think there are a lot of preconceived notions that begin at a young age that are cultivated from fairy tales that love IS a fairy tale.

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Hey Warrior - A book about anxiety in children.








Hey Sigmund on Instagram

We humans are meaning makers. We are storytellers We humans are meaning makers. We are storytellers at heart. It’s how we make sense of each other, our world, and most importantly, ourselves. But big feelings can hijack our stories. When anxiety drives the story, it tells tales of deficiency and lacking, and puts avoidance where courage should be - but we can change that.
.
When we get a feeling, we are driven to make sense of it. Anxiety feels awful. It’s meant to. It compels us to listen to, and act on, its story: ‘This is unsafe and you need to act.’ This is how it keeps us safe. When there is no obvious threat, it is understandable that the story that children (or any of us) might put to the feeling is, ‘I feel as though something bad is going to happen, so something bad must be going to happen.’ .
.
This is when anxiety grows teeth. It assumes a power it doesn’t deserve, and drive a response that holds brave hearts back. .
To change the response, we have to change the story. First, we validate, because that lets them feel us beside them. ‘I can see how worried you are about going to school. It makes so much sense that you want to stay home. I’d want to stay home too if I felt like that.’
⠀⠀
Then, to change how the story ends, we change how it begins. ‘Anxiety feels awful. It’s meant to - it’s how it keeps you safe from things that are actually dangerous, like dark alleys. But here’s the secret to doing hard things: Anxiety doesn’t only happen when something is dangerous. It also happens when there is something important or meaningful you need to do, like school or trying something new. It happens when you’re about to be brave. This is when you have a decision to make. Is this a time to stay safe, or is this a time to be brave?’
.
Then, we align with the part of them - and it’s always in them - that wants to be brave and knows they can be. It might be the tiniest whisper, or threadbare, or wilted by anxiety, but it will be there. .
Our job as their important people is to usher that brave part of them into the light, so they can start to feel it too. ‘You have done brave things before my darling, and I know you can do this. I know it with everything in me.’

We humans are meaning makers. We are storytellers at heart. It’s how we make sense of each other, our world, and most importantly, ourselves. But big feelings can hijack our stories. When anxiety drives the story, it tells tales of deficiency and lacking, and puts avoidance where courage should be - but we can change that.
.
When we get a feeling, we are driven to make sense of it. Anxiety feels awful. It’s meant to. It compels us to listen to, and act on, its story: ‘This is unsafe and you need to act.’ This is how it keeps us safe. When there is no obvious threat, it is understandable that the story that children (or any of us) might put to the feeling is, ‘I feel as though something bad is going to happen, so something bad must be going to happen.’ .
.
This is when anxiety grows teeth. It assumes a power it doesn’t deserve, and drive a response that holds brave hearts back. .
To change the response, we have to change the story. First, we validate, because that lets them feel us beside them. ‘I can see how worried you are about going to school. It makes so much sense that you want to stay home. I’d want to stay home too if I felt like that.’
⠀⠀
Then, to change how the story ends, we change how it begins. ‘Anxiety feels awful. It’s meant to - it’s how it keeps you safe from things that are actually dangerous, like dark alleys. But here’s the secret to doing hard things: Anxiety doesn’t only happen when something is dangerous. It also happens when there is something important or meaningful you need to do, like school or trying something new. It happens when you’re about to be brave. This is when you have a decision to make. Is this a time to stay safe, or is this a time to be brave?’
.
Then, we align with the part of them - and it’s always in them - that wants to be brave and knows they can be. It might be the tiniest whisper, or threadbare, or wilted by anxiety, but it will be there. .
Our job as their important people is to usher that brave part of them into the light, so they can start to feel it too. ‘You have done brave things before my darling, and I know you can do this. I know it with everything in me.’
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