Validation – How to Bring Calm, Connection, and Influence to Big Feelings

Kid in Validation

When our kids or teens mess up – which they will, because they’re humans, not robots – the way we respond can open them up to our influence or shut them down to it. It can expand the fight and the disconnection, or it can shrink it. 

In time they will learn to be more in control of their urge for fight or flight, but for now, we will need to lead the way. Of course, we are also human, and sometimes despite our biggest efforts to stay calm, we will step into the ring rather than wait for them to step out. We’re human. It’s going to happen. And that’s okay.

What happens to brains and bodies during big feelings. The Science.

During big feelings (for all of us) the brain is hijacked by the impulsive, instinctive amygdala. This is the part of the brain that works hard to keep us safe. When the amygdala registers threat, one of the ways it keeps us safe is by charging the brain and body up with a mix of powerful neurochemicals. These are designed to get our bodies ready to fight the danger or run away from it. But there’s another way this neurochemical surge works to keep us safe.  It charges up big feelings.

Big feelings are one of the ways the brain recruits support. When we’re in big feelings, people notice. Of course, this doesn’t mean we’ll always get the ‘noticing’ that feels lovely but we’re more likely to be seen. Brains are there to keep us safe, and the best way for us humans to stay safe is with the help of other humans. It’s worked well for us up to now. We’ve survived for as long as we have because we’ve banded together in groups and helped each other out, not because we’ve been the fastest, smartest, or strongest. What this means is that being seen in some way, even if it’s not in the most adorable way, is better (safer) than not being seen at all. 

But honestly, the things that can trigger big feelings can be … oh my gosh don’t even start me. What about when big feelings happen over little things.

Just because the amygdala has registered ‘threat’, doesn’t mean there is actually a danger. ‘Threat’ for a protective, strong, healthy amygdala includes anything that comes with any chance at all of humiliation, judgement, separation or disconnection from an important person, exclusion, missing out on something important, or messing up something important. They’re the things that can make us all wobble.

There is no such thing as a ‘little thing’ for the amygdala. They’re smart, powerful, and brilliant, but they can all be a bit dramatic at times. The amygdala is like a smoke alarm. It assumes all smoke is from a blazing fire, even if it’s a ‘just-burnt-toast-nothing-to-worry-about’ kind of smoke.

When the amygdala registers threat, one of the first things it does is shut down the ‘thinking brain’. This is the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain. It’s the part that can think through consequences, calm big feelings, make deliberate decisions, learn, and think rationally. This is why we can all make ‘not great’ decisions when we’re anxious, angry, sad, or why big feelings might come with spicy words or behaviour.

When children or teens are in big feelings, it’s impossible to guide, lead or teach them. Lecturing, preaching, and sending them for time out to think about what they’ve done is useless because the part of the brain that can actually think or learn isn’t available. 

The first thing we have to do then is bring the brain back to safety. This will calm the amygdala and bring the thinking brain on board. Then, we have influence. But how? Through validation.

How it works.

Validation says to the amygdala – ‘I see you, I’m here, and you can step down now. I can take it from here.’ This will help the amygdala feel safe enough to let go of the wheel, and make way for the thinking brain to come back.

The power of validation lies in its capacity to bring us close enough to reach our kids and teens when they need us most. It lets us guide them from inside the relationship, in that precious space that exists when they feel understood – not just heard, but truly and deeply understood by you.

Children and teens will never have a greater felt sense of safety than when they are feeling close to you. This means the thinking brain will never be more available for learning, leading, influencing, and guiding. 

Validation doesn’t mean we agree with them. It means we feel with them.

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with them, and it doesn’t mean you approve of their behaviour. It means you see the world or the situation as they see it right now, without judgement or a need to fix it.

It’s a way of letting them know that we can see how they feel or the need behind how they feel, and we don’t need to change it. It says, ‘I see there is something happening here that doesn’t feel okay.’ It makes our intent clear, and our intent is to see them, hear them, and be with them. This might sound something like:

  • ‘I get that your angry with me right now. You feel as though I’ve stopped you from doing something that is important to you. It’s okay to be angry. I’d be angry too.’ Or,
  • ‘No wonder you’re upset. That really sucks.’ Or, 
  • ‘It sounds as though you’re worried I’m going to get in your way. I can see this is important to you. I really want to understand. Can you help me?’ 
  • It can also look like nodding, facial expressions that let them know you’re with them, or vocal bursts (uh-huh, mm-hmm,).
  • Sometimes it might look like sitting cross-legged on the floor with them for a while, because their day came with spikes, and it’s softer and quieter down there. 

Remember though, whatever words you use, your words will often be the thing the hear the least. Validation happens most powerfully through non-verbals, so it’s important that your nonverbal communicate your intent, which is to be with them, to understand them, and not to judge, shame, or abandon them.

Your posture matters. Is it warm and open, or ‘big’, or closed off? The tone of your voice and your facial expressions matter. Do they clearly communicate your intent, or are they too neutral and open to misinterpretation?

Sometimes words can get in the way. Think of what you might need if you were telling a friend about something big that happened to you. You don’t need your friend to tell you she sees how upset you are. Of course, that might be lovely, but it isn’t the only thing. What you are looking for is, ‘Do you get me? Do you get why I’m upset? Do you see me? Do you feel me?’ We see the answer in faces before anything else.

When you don’t have the words, or when the words seem to annoy them, just feel what they’re feeling. You don’t have to do more than that. Receive their faces. Whenever you can, look through the behaviour and the words and receive their faces. Receive their fear, their sadness, their frustration, their anger, their loneliness, and just hold it in you for a moment so they can feel you with them. 

Let them feel your heart and mind open, and your arms extended in invitation as you widen the space for them and everything that comes with them in that moment. The message is, ‘I can handle you, and everything that comes with you’.

Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. If there is a need to chat about behaviour, there will be a time for that, but in the midst of big feelings is that not that time.

Validating them, or their feelings, or their needs, doesn’t mean they will instantly calm and see things your way, but ultimately it will strengthen your connection and your influence. It’s about helping them feel understood, even when things (or they) get messy. If they feel understood by us, it opens the way for them to trust us when we say, ‘I know you can do this,’ or, ‘Let’s talk about what you might do differently next time?’, or, ‘You can come to me about anything.’

In the moment, it’s less about what you do, and more about who you are.

When feelings are on fire, and behaviour is big, we don’t have to ‘fix’ those feelings. Of course, when our children are in pain, the drive to do ‘something’ to fix that pain might feel seismic, but we don’t need to fix them. They aren’t broken. They want what we all want when the world feels too big – to feel safe, seen and heard. 

When kids or teens have big feelings, what they need more than anything is our strong, safe, loving presence. In those moments, it’s less about what we do in response to those big feelings, and more about who we are. Think of this as being an anchor for their distressed nervous system. An anchor doesn’t try to fix anything. It doesn’t have an agenda and it doesn’t add to the turbulence. It just holds things strong and steady, all the while having enough ‘give’, between itself and the boat to be able to adapt to the conditions.

Every time we meet them where they are, with a calm loving presence, we help those big feelings back to small enough. We help them carry the emotional load and build the emotional (neural) muscle for them to eventually be able to do it on their own. We strengthen the neural pathways between big feelings and calm, over and over, until that pathway is so clear and so strong, that they can walk it on their own.

And when they’re behaviour is big …

Of course, this doesn’t mean giving them a free pass on ‘unadorable’ behaviour. Be firm on the behaviour, gentle on the relationship. Flag the behaviour if you need to: ‘I know you are angry with me. Angry is okay. Those words aren’t.’ Then, move quickly to the relationship. This can look like acknowledging the feeling, the need behind the feeling, or being with them without needing them to be different for a while (‘I’m right here.’)

What it means is letting them know that we see them and that we understand there is something important they need. When things are calm, they will be much more open to exploring their decisions, their behaviour, the consequences of that, and what they can do differently in the future.

When they are calm and connected to us, then we can have the conversations that are growthful for them – ‘Can you help me understand what happened?’ ‘What can help you do this differently next time?’ ‘You’re a really great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. How can you put things right? Do you need my help to do that?’ 

How validation brings them closer and builds our influence. 

The need to feel safe is primal. We’re wired to fight or flee anything that presents itself as a threat – and shame, punishment, judgement, exclusion, and humiliation all count as ‘threat’, even if they come with loads of loving intent. When we validate what our children are feeling, or the need they are trying to meet through their behaviour, we take away their need to fight us or flee (ignore) us.

If we want them to be open to our influence, we first need to calm their active amygdala by sending the message that we aren’t a threat and that we can handle whatever is happening. We mightn’t like it, but we can handle it. 

When we do this, it sends a message to the protective, powerful, emotional amygdala that it’s safe and that it can back down. This will start to switch off the need to fight us or flee (ignore) us and open them up to our influence, support, warmth and guidance.

And finally …

It’s not our job to fix their feelings, but to hold their distress with tender, safe, loving hands, until those feelings are small enough again. We do this by meeting them where they are, without needing them to be different. We bring a strong, safe, loving presence. We see them. We breathe. We validate. We stay with. And we wait for the feelings to calm. Then, we hand those back in a way they can talk about, learn about, listen to, and grow from. And we don’t need to do more than that.

Validation lets us do the work from within the relationship. It’s from here that we will have the most influence, and be most able to understand, redirect, or talk about what needs to happen next. It lets us connect with them, which is necessary if we want to lead them.

Don’t underestimate the power of you. It won’t always be obvious, and you won’t always be thanked for it, but your presence has a profound capacity to help them feel safe, seen and soothed. Sometimes, for certain, it will be everything.

5 Comments

Roland

Your posts are always useful, I use what I have learned from you almost daily and my kids lives are the better for it.

Reply
Larry W

I found this article extremely helpful. Any suggestions on how to do all this when you are in the middle of teaching a class?

Reply
Karen Young

It can be difficult when you’re the one adult for many young ones. Wherever possible, try to bring another adult in from outside the classroom who can provide the calm and presence needed to bring the brain back to felt safety. Ideally, someone the child feels safe with and cared about by. In time, support your student with how they might access this person or strategies when they need to, or when they feel themselves starting to wobble.

Reply
Wendy R.

Thank-you for this. A good reminder on how to properly handle things when the going gets tough. I needed to read this today.

Gratefully,

Wendy

Reply
Saul G

Thank you for reminding us how to improve and be more present humans with our children.

Kindly,

Saul

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Hello Adelaide! I’ll be in Adelaide on Friday 27 June to present a full-day workshop on anxiety. 

This is not just another anxiety workshop, and is for anyone who lives or works with young people - therapists, educators, parents, OTs - anyone. 

Tickets are still available. Search Hey Sigmund workshops for a full list of events, dates, and to buy tickets or see here https://www.heysigmund.com/public-events/
First we decide, ‘Is this discomfort from something unsafe or is it from something growthful?’

Then ask, ‘Is this a time to lift them out of the brave space, or support them through it?’

To help, look at how they’ll feel when they (eventually) get through it. If they could do this bravely thing easily tomorrow, would they feel proud? Happy? Excited? Grateful they did it? 

‘Brave’ isn’t about outcome. It’s about handling the discomfort of the brave space and the anxiety that comes with that. They don’t have to handle it all at once. The move through the brave space can be a shuffle rather than a leap. 

The more we normalise the anxiety they feel, and the more we help them feel safer with it (see ‘Hey Warrior’ or ‘Ups and Downs’ for a hand with this), the more we strengthen their capacity to move through the brave space with confidence. This will take time, experience, and probably lots of anxiety along the way. It’s just how growth is. 

We don’t need to get rid of their anxiety. The key is to help them recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They won’t believe this until they experience it. Anxiety shrinks the feeling of brave, not the capacity for it. 

What’s important is supporting them through the brave space lovingly, gently (though sometimes it won’t feel so gentle) and ‘with’, little step by little step. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they’re forward.♥️
Of course we’ll never ever stop loving them. But when we send them away (time out),
ignore them, get annoyed at them - it feels to them like we might.

It’s why more traditional responses to tricky behaviour don’t work the way we think they did. The goal of behaviour becomes more about avoiding any chance of disconnection. It drive lies and secrecy more than learning or their willingness to be open to us.

Of course, no parent is available and calm and connected all the time - and we don’t need to be. 

It’s about what we do most, how we handle their tricky behaviour and their big feelings, and how we repair when we (perhaps understandably) lose our cool. (We’re human and ‘cool’ can be an elusive little beast at times for all of us.)

This isn’t about having no boundaries. It isn’t about being permissive. It’s about holding boundaries lovingly and with warmth.

The fix:

- Embrace them, (‘you’re such a great kid’). Reject their behaviour (‘that behaviour isn’t okay’). 

- If there’s a need for consequences, let this be about them putting things right, rather than about the loss of your or affection.

- If they tell the truth, even if it’s about something that takes your breath away, reward the truth. Let them see you’re always safe to come to, no matter what.

We tell them we’ll love them through anything, and that they can come to us for anything, but we have to show them. And that behaviour that threatens to steal your cool, counts as ‘anything’.

- Be guided by your values. The big ones in our family are honesty, kindness, courage, respect. This means rewarding honesty, acknowledging the courage that takes, and being kind and respectful when they get things wrong. Mean is mean. It’s not constructive. It’s not discipline. It’s not helpful. If we would feel it as mean if it was done to us, it counts as mean when we do it to them.

Hold your boundary, add the warmth. And breathe.

Big behaviour and bad decisions don’t come from bad kids. They come from kids who don’t have the skills or resources in the moment to do otherwise.

Our job as their adults is to help them build those skills and resources but this takes time. And you. They can’t do this without you.❤️
We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them).

All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos.

We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be.

Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space.

Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time.

Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.)

Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode. 

This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’

If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it.

The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need.

The fix?

- First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it.

- Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour.

- Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️
Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety.

The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults.

Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us.

All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible.

In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families.

This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection.

We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them.

This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe.

Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection.

Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does.

And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way.

‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’

‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’

‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️

#parenting #gentleparenting #parent #parentingwithrespect

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