Anger – How to Stop it Getting in Your Way

Anger is part of being human and it has a very good reason for being there. When it’s managed well, anger can work hard for you. Let it own you though, and there’ll often be bucketloads of trouble. Here’s what you need to know to make it work for you.

The Take-Aways

  • Anger is a really important emotion. It has a really good reason for being there, but it can make us do stupid things that land us in bucket loads of trouble or that break relationships.
  • We don’t want to get rid of anger, but to learn to manage it in ways that are really effective and more likely to get you what you need.
  • Anger has a few good reasons for being there.
  • The first is to let you now that there is something in the way of something really important to you.
  • The second is to energise us and activate us to get our needs met, or to get is in our way, out of our way.
  • The third reason anger shows up is to stop more difficult and more intense emotions from finding their way to the surface. Anger is the only emotion that doesn’t exist on its own. There’s always another feeling driving anger. It might be jealousy, disappointment, fear, disgust, anxiety, sadness – it could be anything. Often, anger is an easier one to feel, or an easier one to deal with than these other feelings.
  • It’s been suggested that when you’re angry, lose 30% of your intelligence. Anger is driven by the part of the brain that is responsible for instinctive, impulsive behaviour. During anger, the body is surged with a neurochenical fuel to get you energised and activated and able to physically respond to whatever is in your way. Here’s the problem. When those neurochemicals are surging through you, they it actually send the thinking part of your brain offline. This is an instinctive response designed to make sure we get ourselves safe before we think too hard and too long about how to respond to a situation. This is a fine piece of design if there’s actually a threat that we need to fight or flee, but often the reason we’re angry is because we’ve been let down, or because an important need has been thwarted.
  • During high emotion, especially anger, you need your smarts. Breathing is a powerful way to bring the thinking brain back online. Breathing neutralises the neurochemical surge that has sent the thinking part of your brain offline.
  • Breathe in for 3, hold for 1, out for three. Do this a few times. The sooner you can do this before you feel your anger rising, the more effective it will be in helping you feel calm again.
  • It doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly feel better, and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel angry anymore. What it means is you’re going to be able to act in a way which is more considerate, more thoughtful, less likely to end in trouble.
  • The other thing to do when you’re feeling angry is to do something physical to burn off the angry energy created by the neurochemical surge to get you ready to deal with the threat. This might be going for a brisk walk, a run, kicking a ball – anything that helps to burn up that excess energy will help you to feel calmer.
  • Something else to try when you’re angry is to to sit with your anger for long enough to figure out what the feeling is behind it. This will help you to find more clarity around what you need. This might look like finding a quiet place to think, going for a walk, writing or journaling. When you’re clearer about what you need, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that is more effective in getting you what you need. 

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The need to feel connected to, and seen by our people is instinctive. 

THE FIX: Add in micro-connections to let them feel you seeing them, loving them, connecting with them, enjoying them:

‘I love being your mum.’
‘I love being your dad.’
‘I missed you today.’
‘I can’t wait to hang out with you at bedtime 
and read a story together.’

Or smiling at them, playing with them, 
sharing something funny, noticing something about them, ‘remembering when...’ with them.

And our adult loves need the same, as we need the same from them.♥️
Our kids need the same thing we do: to feel safe and loved through all feelings not just the convenient ones.

Gosh it’s hard though. I’ve never lost my (thinking) mind as much at anyone as I have with the people I love most in this world.

We’re human, not bricks, and even though we’re parents we still feel it big sometimes. Sometimes these feelings make it hard for us to be the people we want to be for our loves.

That’s the truth of it, and that’s the duality of being a parent. We love and we fury. We want to connect and we want to pull away. We hold it all together and sometimes we can’t.

None of this is about perfection. It’s about being human, and the best humans feel, argue, fight, reconnect, own our ‘stuff’. We keep working on growing and being more of our everythingness, just in kinder ways.

If we get it wrong, which we will, that’s okay. What’s important is the repair - as soon as we can and not selling it as their fault. Our reaction is our responsibility, not theirs. This might sound like, ‘I’m really sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we try again?’

Of course, none of this means ‘no boundaries’. What it means is adding warmth to the boundary. One without the other will feel unsafe - for them, us, and others.

This means making sure that we’ve claimed responsibility- the ability to respond to what’s happening. It doesn’t mean blame. It means recognising that when a young person is feeling big, they don’t have the resources to lead out of the turmoil, so we have to lead them out - not push them out.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, shift the focus to what we can do to bring felt safety and calm back into the space.

THEN when they’re calm talk about what’s happened, the repair, and what to do next time.

Discipline means ‘to teach’, not to punish. They will learn best when they are connected to you. Maybe there is a need for consequences, but these must be about repair and restoration. Punishment is pointless, harmful, and outdated.

Hold the boundary, add warmth. Don’t ask them to do WHEN they can’t do. Wait until they can hear you and work on what’s needed. There’s no hurry.♥️
Recently I chatted with @rebeccasparrow72 , host of ABC Listen’s brilliant podcast, ‘Parental as Anything: Teens’. I loved this chat. Bec asked all the questions that let us crack the topic right open. Our conversation was in response to a listener’s question, that I expect will be familiar to many parents in many homes. Have a listen here:
https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/parental-as-anything-with-maggie-dent/how-can-i-help-my-anxious-teen/104035562
School refusal is escalating. Something that’s troubling me is the use of the word ‘school can’t’ when talking about kids.

Stay with me.

First, let’s be clear: school refusal isn’t about won’t. It’s about can’t. Not truly can’t but felt can’t. It’s about anxiety making school feel so unsafe for a child, avoidance feels like the only option.

Here’s the problem. Language is powerful, and when we put ‘can’t’ onto a child, it tells a deficiency story about the child.

But school refusal isn’t about the child.
It’s about the environment not feeling safe enough right now, or separation from a parent not feeling safe enough right now. The ‘can’t’ isn’t about the child. It’s about an environment that can’t support the need for felt safety - yet.

This can happen in even the most loving, supportive schools. All schools are full of anxiety triggers. They need to be because anything new, hard, brave, growthful will always come with potential threats - maybe failure, judgement, shame. Even if these are so unlikely, the brain won’t care. All it will read is ‘danger’.

Of course sometimes school actually isn’t safe. Maybe peer relationships are tricky. Maybe teachers are shouty and still using outdated ways to manage behaviour. Maybe sensory needs aren’t met.

Most of the time though it’s not actual threat but ’felt threat’.

The deficiency isn’t with the child. It’s with the environment. The question isn’t how do we get rid of their anxiety. It’s how do we make the environment feel safe enough so they can feel supported enough to handle the discomfort of their anxiety.

We can throw all the resources we want at the child, but:

- if the parent doesn’t believe the child is safe enough, cared for enough, capable enough; or

- if school can’t provide enough felt safety for the child (sensory accommodations, safe peer relationships, at least one predictable adult the child feels safe with and cared for by),

that child will not feel safe enough.

To help kids feel safe and happy at school, we have to recognise that it’s the environment that needs changing, not the child. This doesn’t mean the environment is wrong. It’s about making it feel more right for this child.♥️
Such a beautiful 60 second wrap of my night with parents and carers in Hastings, New Zealand talking about building courage and resilience in young people. Because that’s how courage happens - it builds, little bit by little bit, and never feeling like ‘brave’ but as anxiety. Thank you @healhealthandwellbeing for bringing us together happen.♥️

…

Original post by @healhealthandwellbeing:
🌟 Thank You for Your Support! 🌟

A huge thank you to everyone who joined us for the "Building Courage and Resilience" talk with the amazing  Karen Young - Hey Sigmund. Your support for Heal, our new charity focused on community health and wellbeing, means the world to us!

It was incredible to see so many of you come together while at the same time being able to support this cause and help us build a stronger, more resilient community.

A special shoutout to Anna Catley from Anna Cudby Videography for creating some fantastic footage Your work has captured the essence of this event perfectly ! To the team Toitoi - Hawke's Bay Arts & Events Centre thank you for always making things so easy ❤️ 

Follow @healhealthandwellbeing for updates and news of events. Much more to come!
 

#Heal #CommunityHealth #CourageAndResilience #KarenYoung #ThankYou

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