How to Get What You Need From a Tough Conversation

Tough conversations can wear the strongest of warriors down – but they don’t have to. Here’s how to get want you want from a tough conversation, without damage or argument. (This skill is like a little bit of magic!)

The Take-Aways

  • In any relationship, there comes a point, probably many points, when you have to have tough conversations about something you need.
  • It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the only way to respond to this is in one of two ways – say nothing and keep going as though nothing has happened, or ask aggressively for what you need. The problem with keeping quiet is that  it might be looking after the other person, but it can be really unhealthy for you. It’s also likely to be unhealthy for the relationship because eventually, that need that you have will keep pushing for attention. That can end with an explosion, a huge argument, or someone just walking away from the relationship. The problem with being aggressive and screaming for what you need this is that it puts the other person into the position where they have to defend themselves or shut down to protect themselves. That makes it less likely you’ll be heard.
  • In any relationship, the more you push against someone, the more likely it is that they’ll push back. This is because we humans always need balance, to keep ourselves from toppling over in any relationship. 
  • A powerful way to maximise your chances of getting what you want is to yield a little. This doesn’t mean agreeing or giving in. It means is giving the other person a little bit of what they need, so they are more open to giving you what you need. It means acknowledging, validating and compromising, and letting the other person know that you want to find a resolution that will work for both of you.
  • This can be really difficult, especially if they’ve done something that’s upset you, but remember, this is about getting you what you need.
  • For example, if you’re wanting to talk to your parents about a party you’d like to go to, try to start the conversation by acknowledging what they might need. More than likely, with parents, whatever they do is done from love and the need to keep you safe. Start by acknowledging this with something like, “I get that you don’t want me to go to the party because you’re worried I won’t be safe, I really get that.” Then you come in with something to show you’re open to compromise, “What if I promised to be home by a certain time?”
  • This doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, but by yielding you’re more likely to get more of what you want more of the time. 
  • The more open you can be to the other person’s view, – and remember, that doesn’t mean agreeing with it, it means being open to it, listening to it, acknowledging it – the more likely it is that you will get more of what you want.

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I’m so excited for this! I’m coming back to Perth in February for another parent talk on 'Strengthening Children and Teens Against Anxiety'. Here’s the when and the where:

⏰ 6:30-8:30pm | 📆 Wed 22 Feb 2023
📍 Peter Moyes Anglican Community School, #mindarie

For tickets or more info google:

Parenting Connection WA Karen Young anxiety Mindarie Perth

💜 Thanks to @ngalaraisinghappiness for hosting this event.

#supportingwaparents #parentingwa
Let them know …

Anxiety shows up to check that you’re okay, not to tell you that you’re not. It’s your brain’s way of saying, ‘Not sure - there might be some trouble here, but there might not be, but just in case you should be ready for it if it comes, which it might not – but just in case you’d better be ready to run or fight – but it might be totally fine.’ Brains can be so confusing sometimes! 

You have a brain that is strong, healthy and hardworking. It’s magnificent and it’s doing a brilliant job of doing exactly what brains are meant to do – keep you alive. 

Your brain is fabulous, but it needs you to be the boss. Here’s how. When you feel anxious, ask yourself two questions:

- ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger or because there’s something brave or important I need to do?’

- Then, ‘Is this a time for me to be safe (sometimes it might be) or is this a time for me to be brave?

And remember, you will always have ‘brave’ in you, and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.♥️

#positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #parenting #childanxiety #heywarrior #heywarriorbook
The temptation to fix their big feelings can be seismic. Often this is connected to needing to ease our own discomfort at their discomfort, which is so very normal.

Big feelings in them are meant to raise (sometimes big) feelings in us. This is all a healthy part of the attachment system. It happens to mobilise us to respond to their distress, or to protect them if their distress is in response to danger.

Emotion is energy in motion. We don’t want to bury it, stop it, smother it, and we don’t need to fix it. What we need to do is make a safe passage for it to move through them. 

Think of emotion like a river. Our job is to hold the ground strong and steady at the banks so the river can move safely, without bursting the banks.

However hard that river is racing, they need to know we can be with the river (the emotion), be with them, and handle it. This might feel or look like you aren’t doing anything, but actually it’s everything.

The safety that comes from you being the strong, steady presence that can lovingly contain their big feelings will let the emotional energy move through them and bring the brain back to calm.

Eventually, when they have lots of experience of us doing this with them, they will learn to do it for themselves, but that will take time and experience. The experience happens every time you hold them steady through their feelings. 

This doesn’t mean ignoring big behaviour. For them, this can feel too much like bursting through the banks, which won’t feel safe. Sometimes you might need to recall the boundary and let them know where the edges are, while at the same time letting them see that you can handle the big of the feeling. Its about loving and leading all at once. ‘It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to use those words at me.’

Ultimately, big feelings are a call for support. Sometimes support looks like breathing and being with. Sometimes it looks like showing them you can hold the boundary, even when they feel like they’re about to burst through it. And if they’re using spicy words to get us to back off, it might look like respecting their need for space but staying in reaching distance, ‘Ok, I’m right here whenever you need.’♥️
We all need certain things to feel safe enough to put ourselves into the world. Kids with anxiety have magic in them, every one of them, but until they have a felt sense of safety, it will often stay hidden.

‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what they feel. At school, they might have the safest, most loving teacher in the safest, most loving school. This doesn’t mean they will feel enough relational safety straight away that will make it easier for them to do hard things. They can still do those hard things, but those things are going to feel bigger for a while. This is where they’ll need us and their other anchor adult to be patient, gentle, and persistent.

Children aren’t meant to feel safe with and take the lead from every adult. It’s not the adult’s role that makes the difference, but their relationship with the child.

Children are no different to us. Just because an adult tells them they’ll be okay, it doesn’t mean they’ll feel it or believe it. What they need is to be given time to actually experience the person as being safe, supportive and ready to catch them.

Relationship is key. The need for safety through relationship isn’t an ‘anxiety thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’. When we feel closer to the people around us, we can rise above the mountains in our way. When we feel someone really caring about us, we’re more likely to open up to their influence
and learn from them.

But we have to be patient. Even for teachers with big hearts and who undertand the importance of attachment relationships, it can take time.

Any adult at school can play an important part in helping a child feel safe – as long as that adult is loving, warm, and willing to do the work to connect with that child. It might be the librarian, the counsellor, the office person, a teacher aide. It doesn’t matter who, as long as it is someone who can be available for that child at dropoff or when feelings get big during the day and do little check-ins along the way.

A teacher, or any important adult can make a lasting difference by asking, ‘How do I build my relationship with this child so s/he trusts me when I say, ‘I’ve got you, and I know you can do this.’♥️

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