Increasing Your Influence – How to Talk So Others Will Listen

Here are three secrets for making it more likely that you’ll get what you want from a conversation. (And who doesn’t want that!)

The Take-Aways

Sometimes we have to have tough conversations. Here’s how to maximise your changes of getting what you need:

  1. Start calm – even if you’re a fiesty bundle of fury inside. When you’re feeling furious, anxious, jealous, scared – any of the big feels – it’s easy to come into a conversation showing those big feelings. The problem with this is that it can make it more likely that the other person will feel attacked or blamed. As soon as this happens, it makes it more likely that the other person will yell (fight) or shut down (flee). This is a defensive thing. As soon as the brain senses that we might be under attack, it goes into defence mode and gets us organised to protect ourselves. That shutting down and not listening, walking away from the conversation, hanging up, or yelling back. People often attack to defend themselves.
  2. You can feel one way, and act another. You can be angry and calm; or jealous and generous; scared and brave. This doesn’t mean ‘not feeling’, it means not letting your feelings get in the way of you getting what you need. Remember you only have to do it for the few minutes while you’re starting the conversation. The easier and safer you make it for someone to stay in conversation with you, the more likely it is that he or she will be able to hear you and give you what you need. Tt’s something that you’re doing a little bit for the other person and a lot for you.
  3. Acknowledge how the other person is feeling. Acknowledging and validating the other person doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It’s another important way to help make it easier and safer for the other person to stay in conversation with you. This makes it more likely that you’ll be heard, which in turn increases your chances of getting what you need. Think about what it is the other person might be needing from you, or what they’re trying to say and acknowledge that. This might sound something like, “I understand this is how you feel,” or “I can see that this is really important to you,” or, “I understand you feel like I’m doing this and its hurting you”. 
  4. Remember – just because you’re right, doesn’t mean the other person is wrong. And in the same way, just because the other person is wrong, doesn’t mean you are completely right. Often it’s about points of view, we see things differently. We have different needs, different wants, different histories and they all come in. We’re going to disagree on things. Normally in any conversation or when the things we need conflict both people are a little bit right. So if you can find what it is in the other person that feels ‘right’ or important for them, even if it doesn’t feel right to you, that will increase your chances of being heard.
  5. Name what’s in it for the other person if they listen to you. If you’re having a difficult conversation with someone,  point out what he or she can gain from listening to you. Maximise your changes of being heard by letting the other person know that you’re not just in it for you, you’re in it for them too. So, you have an invested interest in what they want and you’re going to do what you can to make sure their needs are met. 

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The point of any ‘discipline’ is to teach, not to punish. (‘Disciple’ means student, follower, learner.)

Children don’t learn through punishment. They comply through punishment, but the mechanism is control and fear. 

The problem with this, is that the goal becomes avoiding us when things go wrong, rather than seeking us out. We can’t influence them if we’ve taught them to keep their messes hidden from us. 

We can’t guide our kiddos if they aren’t open to us, and they won’t be open to us if they are scared of what we will do. 

We all have an instinctive need to stay relationally safe. This means feeling free from rejection, shame, humiliation. The problem with traditional discipline is that it rejects and judges the child, rather than the behaviour. 

Hold them close, reject their behaviour. 

This makes it more likely that they will turn toward us instead of away from us. It opens the way for us to guide, lead, teach. It makes it safe for them to turn and face what’s happened so they can learn what they might do differently in the future.

Rather than, ‘How do I scare them out of bad behaviour?’ try, ‘How do I help them to do better next time?’ 

Is the way you respond to their messy decisions or behaviour more likely to drive them away from you in critical times or towards you? Let it be towards you.

This doesn’t mean giving a free pass on big behaviour. It means rather than leading through fear and shame, we lead through connection, conversation and education. 

The ‘consequence’ for big behaviour shouldn’t be punishment to make them feel bad, but the repairing of any damage so they can feel the good in who they are. It’s the conversation with you where they turn and face their behaviour. This will always be easier when they feel you loving them, and embracing who they are, even when you reject what they do.♥️
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#parent #parents #mindfulparenting #gentleparenting
Kununurra I’m so excited to be with you tonight. I’ll be giving you super practical ways to strengthen your kiddos and teens against all sorts and all levels of anxiety - big anxiety, little anxiety, anxiety about school, separation, trying new things - all of it. You’ll walk away with things you can do tonight - and I can’t wait! Afterwards we’ll have time for a chat where we can dive into your questions (my favourite part). This is a free event organised by the Parenting Connection WA (I love this organisation so much!). The link for tickets is in my story♥️
Hello Broome! Can’t wait to see you tonight. Tickets still available. The link is in my story. 

Thank you Parenting Connection WA for bringing me here and for the incredible work you do to support and strengthen families.♥️
What a weekend! Thank you Sydney for your open hearts, minds and arms this weekend at @resilientkidsconference. Your energy and warmth were everything.♥️
I LOVE being able to work with early childhood centres and schools. The most meaningful, enduring moments of growth and healing happen on those everyday moments kids have with their everyday adults - parents, carers, teachers. It takes a village doesn’t it.♥️

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