Want More Self-Control? Try This …

So it’s date night for you and your credit card, and the dark side of the internet (yes online shopping, I’m talking to you) is working really hard to tempt you into spending a load of money. You can practically hear it panting. 

Knowing that you’re better than a frivolous, senseless decision that could financially ruin you for a couple of weeks-ish, you call on your powers of self-control, which are always sometimes occasionally there when you need them.

Then, while you’re using your Snickers as a spoon for your Baskin Robbins, and trying not to think about how life-changing your beautiful new potential purchases will be, you … well … we all know how this ends…

Thankfully, a new study has come up with a way to stop your self-control freeloading and to get it to do its job.

The research published in Psychological Science has found that gratitude reduces impatience for immediate gain, even when real money is at stake.

Here’s how it works. The human mind tends to play down the value of long term gains and play up the value of immediate ones.

Certain moods, such as sadness, have been found to fuel our desire for short term gratification.

Professor Ye Li, one of the researchers, said, ‘Showing that emotion can foster self-control and discovering a way to reduce impatience with a simple gratitude exercise opens up tremendous possibilities for reducing a wide range of societal ills from impulse buying and insufficient saving to obesity and smoking.’

The news gets even better. Gratitude can be improved in as little as two minutes by doing a small exercise.

Think of a few things you are grateful for, the things that you would miss if you didn’t have them. Focusing on what life would be like without certain things has been showed to improve gratitude. (If your partner is on the list, thinking about not having him or her has also been shown to improve the quality of your relationship.)

If you have time, continue to stoke these to life by thinking about why you are grateful for them. This will supercharge your gratitude.

Previous research has shown that people who made weekly entries in a gratitude journal listing five things they were grateful for were 25% happier (more optimistic, felt better about their lives) than those who were asked to list hassles, or neutral events. On top of feeling good, participants in the gratitude condition did almost 1.5 hours more exercise a week and people in the hassles or neutral group.

It’s easy, sometimes automatic, to focus on the negative and worry about things that haven’t happened yet, or may never happen. This effects mood and health and directs attention away from the things that fuel a more positive mood.

When deciding what to think about, there are two options – focus on the good or focus on the bad. They both take the same effort, but one feels better.

Of course, sometimes life is such that focusing away from the negative isn’t that easy. Sometimes the bad is really bad. And sometimes it’s not. The more we can take the opportunities to be grateful and focus on the things that make our life a good one to be living, the better equipped we’ll be to deal with the bad days when they come.

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It’s the simple things that are everything. We know play, conversation, micro-connections, predictability, and having a responsive reliable relationship with at least one loving adult, can make the most profound difference in buffering and absorbing the sharp edges of the world. Not all children will get this at home. Many are receiving it from childcare or school. It all matters - so much. 

But simple isn’t always easy. 

Even for children from safe, loving, homes with engaged, loving parent/s there is so much now that can swallow our kids whole if we let it - the unsafe corners of the internet; screen time that intrudes on play, connection, stillness, sleep, and joy; social media that force feeds unsafe ideas of ‘normal’, and algorithms that hijack the way they see the world. 

They don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to be enough. Enough to balance what they’re getting fed when they aren’t with us. Enough talking to them, playing with them, laughing with them, noticing them, enjoying them, loving and leading them. Not all the time. Just enough of the time. 

But first, we might have to actively protect the time when screens, social media, and the internet are out of their reach. Sometimes we’ll need to do this even when they fight hard against it. 

We don’t need them to agree with us. We just need to hear their anger or upset when we change what they’ve become used to. ‘I know you don’t want this and I know you’re angry at me for reducing your screen time. And it’s happening. You can be annoyed, and we’re still [putting phones and iPads in the basket from 5pm] (or whatever your new rules are).’♥️
What if schools could see every ‘difficult’ child as a child who feels unsafe? Everything would change. Everything.♥️
Consequences are about repair and restoration, and putting things right. ‘You are such a great kid. I know you would never be mean on purpose but here we are. What happened? Can you help me understand? What might you do differently next time you feel like this? How can we put this right? Do you need my help with that?’

Punishment and consequences that don’t make sense teach kids to steer around us, not how to steer themselves. We can’t guide them if they are too scared of the fallout to turn towards us when things get messy.♥️
Anxiety is driven by a lack of certainty about safety. It doesn’t mean they aren’t safe, and it certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t capable. It means they don’t feel safe enough - yet. 

The question isn’t, ‘How do we fix them?’ They aren’t broken. 

It’s, ‘How do we fix what’s happening around them to help them feel so they can feel safe enough to be brave enough?’

How can we make the environment feel safer? Sensory accommodations? Relational safety?

Or if the environment is as safe as we can make it, how can we show them that we believe so much in their safety and their capability, that they can rest in that certainty? 

They can feel anxious, and do brave. 

We want them to listen to their anxiety, check things out, but don’t always let their anxiety take the lead.

Sometimes it’s spot on. And sometimes it isn’t. Whole living is about being able to tell the difference. 

As long as they are safe, let them know you believe them, and that you believe IN them. ‘I know this feels big and I know you can handle this. We’ll do this together.’♥️

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