Want More Self-Control? Try This …

So it’s date night for you and your credit card, and the dark side of the internet (yes online shopping, I’m talking to you) is working really hard to tempt you into spending a load of money. You can practically hear it panting. 

Knowing that you’re better than a frivolous, senseless decision that could financially ruin you for a couple of weeks-ish, you call on your powers of self-control, which are always sometimes occasionally there when you need them.

Then, while you’re using your Snickers as a spoon for your Baskin Robbins, and trying not to think about how life-changing your beautiful new potential purchases will be, you … well … we all know how this ends…

Thankfully, a new study has come up with a way to stop your self-control freeloading and to get it to do its job.

The research published in Psychological Science has found that gratitude reduces impatience for immediate gain, even when real money is at stake.

Here’s how it works. The human mind tends to play down the value of long term gains and play up the value of immediate ones.

Certain moods, such as sadness, have been found to fuel our desire for short term gratification.

Professor Ye Li, one of the researchers, said, ‘Showing that emotion can foster self-control and discovering a way to reduce impatience with a simple gratitude exercise opens up tremendous possibilities for reducing a wide range of societal ills from impulse buying and insufficient saving to obesity and smoking.’

The news gets even better. Gratitude can be improved in as little as two minutes by doing a small exercise.

Think of a few things you are grateful for, the things that you would miss if you didn’t have them. Focusing on what life would be like without certain things has been showed to improve gratitude. (If your partner is on the list, thinking about not having him or her has also been shown to improve the quality of your relationship.)

If you have time, continue to stoke these to life by thinking about why you are grateful for them. This will supercharge your gratitude.

Previous research has shown that people who made weekly entries in a gratitude journal listing five things they were grateful for were 25% happier (more optimistic, felt better about their lives) than those who were asked to list hassles, or neutral events. On top of feeling good, participants in the gratitude condition did almost 1.5 hours more exercise a week and people in the hassles or neutral group.

It’s easy, sometimes automatic, to focus on the negative and worry about things that haven’t happened yet, or may never happen. This effects mood and health and directs attention away from the things that fuel a more positive mood.

When deciding what to think about, there are two options – focus on the good or focus on the bad. They both take the same effort, but one feels better.

Of course, sometimes life is such that focusing away from the negative isn’t that easy. Sometimes the bad is really bad. And sometimes it’s not. The more we can take the opportunities to be grateful and focus on the things that make our life a good one to be living, the better equipped we’ll be to deal with the bad days when they come.

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We know there are too many kids struggling right now, including those from loving, responsive families and in loving, responsive schools. 

One of the places these struggles will show themselves is at school, even in the most loving responsive ones. Sometimes these struggles show themselves with a roar, sometimes with nothing at all.

Too many kids are feeling no sense at all that they matter. They don’t feel they are doing something that matters, and they don’t feel that they matter to others.

Too many of them will go weeks at school without hearing their name in a way that makes them feel seen, cared for, and valued.

Too many of them are showing up at school but are noticed more when they don’t, even if only by the unticked box beside their name.

For too many kids, we are asking them to show up when they don’t feel like they have anything to offer, or anything at all to show up for. Why wouldn’t they struggle?

This week I had the greatest privilege of speaking to a room of 300 school well-being staff about how to support all children, how to catch the ones who are struggling, and what we can do to buffer, protect and heal all young people at school.

If you are a parent of a young person who is struggling, I want you to know that schools are working hard to hold them, lovingly and safely.

I know there are also many parents who haven’t had this experience, and your children haven’t got what they need. I know that. I want you to know that change is happening. I want you to know what I see when I work with the wellbeing staff at these schools. They care. They really do. They are so invested in supporting your children, seeing the child behind the student and showing up big for all of them. The work is happening. There’s a lot to do, but it’s happening.

Yes we need more resources, and yes more people, and yes we’re asking more of our schools and teachers than ever, and yes the world is asking more of our kids than ever, but the work is happening.

Thank you to the Department of Education Queensland for working with me, and thank you to the wellbeing staff, teachers, and leadership who are giving everything they can to be there for our children. You matter.♥️
Over the past the past 24 hours, I’ve been in Devonport, Tasmania to deliver two sessions to parents and carers - ‘Big Feelings, Connection, and Confidence’, then later an open Q and A where parents brought their real life questions - and we talked.

Thank you for welcoming me so warmly, and for trusting me with your questions, your stories, and your vulnerability. 

This was an openness where real change begins. Parenting is hard - beautiful and messy and hard. In the last 24 hours, I’ve been moved by the openness and honesty of parents I’ve shared space with. This is where generational patterns start to shift.

So many of the parents I met are already doing this deep, brave work. The questions asked were honest, raw, and profoundly human — the kind of questions that can feel heavy and isolating until you hear someone else ask them too.

Our children will grow in the most incredible ways if we allow them the space, and if we hold that space with love and leadership and a curious mind. And, if we open ourselves to them, and are willing to shift and stretch and grow, they will grow us too.

Thank you to @devonportevents for everything you’ve done to make these events happen.♥️
Can’t wait for this! I’ll be in Devonport, Tasmania next week to present two talks for parents and carers. 

The first is on Monday evening 19 May for a talk about how to support big feelings, behaviour and regulation in young people. This is not just another anxiety talk. You’ll walk away feeling hopeful, empowered, and with strategies you can start using straight away. 

Then, on Tuesday morning 20 May, I’ll be giving another talk for parents and carers but this will be a Q&A. Bring your questions to me! Even if you don’t have questions, the ones I answer will be loaded with practical information that will support you in your parenting journey. 

So grateful to @devonportevents for organising the events. They are public talks, open to everyone. 

Tickets available at Humanitix - search Devonport events and scroll down until you find me! 

Would love to see you there.♥️

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