So you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must drive you nuts.
I was in a relationship with an angel, let’s call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.
Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different’. Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.
Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:
When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn’t. But my feelings aren’t unique.
The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 9th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.
Your man’s low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work. It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.
If you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)
Here are some important things to remember: a cheat sheet to get you through tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways.
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He loves you so much, but hates himself even more.
He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say ‘I love you’, he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong’.
He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.
A book I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don’t let the title fool you, it’s a book about shame, self-worth and learning to accept yourself. It’s a powerful starting point, buy it now.
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He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.
This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.
Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention so much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how great he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.
He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he’s worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’
It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.
Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way? Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’
If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.
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He believes he must have ‘got lucky’. He feels unworthy of you.
At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close, showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and started looking around. The high that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he’s seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to feel okay about himself.
I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.
I thought I’d got lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.
Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect. This is an important point.
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He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.
Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough’. He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.
He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.
There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much? If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.
To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now’. Tell him he is enough.
The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.
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He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men.
My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)
If I felt threatened or not #1 importance in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you, and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again they go crazy or become irrational.
He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.
Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling it like it is.
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It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment’.
Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.
Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy’. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’ll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it’. Problem: it’s never coming.
You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.
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True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.
In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.
I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come. My feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her’.
No advice here, no matter what he’s going to give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.
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He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.
Sick, huh? Hate me if you want, I don’t care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person go through hell for us, feel pain caused by us – can actually give us pride.
It’s a dose of the ‘I’m worthy’ drug … ‘Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy’.
Enough said, it’s time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.
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He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.
Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.
If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways I was like a child before. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.
In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Stick in there, but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, you are as well. Take action now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.
About the Author: Paul Graves
Paul Graves writes about pain, shame, and better living through self-acceptance at TakeTheLemons.com. He lives in Ohio with his 7-year old daughter and two cats.
this is a great article… it is actually an eye-opener for me, me and my husband qre going though tough times at the moment because of this so called “self-esteem” issues..and it’s great that i came across your article, this would help me see things in a different perspective. thanks for writing this!
Reading this article has given me the clarity I have been desperately seeking for the last 2 months. My boyfriend of only 6 months suddenly turned cold. After weeks of distance, crying-filled discussions and trying to make plans on how to work through, I realised how insecure he is. He told me that I love too intensely, and he could never match the love I gave him.
He sobbed in my arms for his pain, not for what he caused me. I realised he broke down when I complimented him, and told him how highly I thought of him. This was eye-opening for me.
We have been apart with no contact for 6 weeks now. I have spent this time working on how to win him back, but now I know that it is beyond me.
Thank you for showing me the way.
Dear Paul,
You have described my ex husband. It has taken me 14 years to move on and even then I still cannot fully. I tried for 7 years with him. He would tell me he didn’t want kids. I knew he was with other women and in the end he threw me out of the house. I never stopped loving him. However after this article I can accept and feel sadness on him throwing away our beautiful life.
I too am going through this with my husband of 10 years. He has moved out of our home and has an apartment at an unknown address. I have gone through extreme pain resulting in job loss, but also learning a lot about who I am, what I want, and gaining self esteem and personal strength. I am at the point of apathy, I have asked him several times to come home or let me go. At this point I am ready to walk away, live alone, and go on with my life. I think he enjoys seeing me in pain, and playing along with his games. I have decided to not entertain any crumbs he offers like awkward weekend visits, coffee and dinner dates, I’m so tired of it, I have to take care of me now. Thanks for your article, you’re a quite gifted and insightful young man.
Paul, Thank you for your transparency. This is not an area people are willing to expose about themselves. Thanks to your article, I understand so much about what I’ve been experiencing in my realtionship. My ex-guy has all these issues and has been trying to put them on me as my issues. But I understand now and can forgive and pray for him.
This sounds so much like my husband. I love him very very much. My worry is he keeps pushing me away and others hurt. I don’t want to leave him, but I’m not sure he will change his ways for me. How do I get him to understand how much I love him.
My husband will rub his lips while talking to another woman (in my presence). He’s an attractive man (he looks like Morris Chestnut) and I (look like J-Lo) am an attractive woman. He loves engaging woman in a conversation (in front of me) while he smiles and laughs with them. That concerns me deeply because Im thinking if he does that in front of me how does he acts at work? I have never flirted with any man in front of him. In fact, I go out of my way to dodge men. I just don’t understand why I can’t get the same respect in return. I love him dearly and have talked to him about it and yet he denies it. He says Im making more out of it that what it is. The only way I can get him to feel how I feel (so he can stop doing it) is to flirt with men in front of him. If I were to do it, he would not like it because I get a lot of unwanted attention as it is. What should I do?
Tell him how much it hurts you. If he loves you and cares he will stop especially if he respects you. If he doesn’t you have to decide if living in constant worry is worth it. You accept his behavior or leave. It’s that simple. Women make it hard but it’s communication, change, stay the same, accept, or leave.
I came across this looking for help for me an my wife.
I shared this with her and she was able to see herself. Thank you for writing and sharing this article. We are working together and in my case she has drawn a line in the sand to change her life.
I am so happy I found this article. My ex managed to push me completely away, despite our connection and love. This details his behavior to a T. Thanks for making things clear. I can move on now.
Exact the same here!
This is so passionately written. Very moving, eye opening, and great advise to begin moving forward with my partner. Thank you Paul.
Paul ,
In reading your article I felt like I was reading about my life. You give me hope that we will get through this but I it is hard on me sometime. He gets mad when I tell him I love him- he says he does not think he will love again. I don’t want to give up – I love this man with all my heart . Is there hope?
My partner of 7 months left me completely out of the blue last week. We had fallen in love 5 months before and had told one another how much we loved an adored one another ever day during that 5 month period (and even before we said the ‘L’ word.
3 days before he told me (in the coldest voice I’d ever heard) that he ‘didn’t want to be in relationship’ he was telling me that he ‘loved me soooooo much, loved our relationship and felt so lucky to have me in his life.” On Monday and Tuesday he was saying those things. Firday night…he called me for 5 minutes from work to tell he didnt want to be with me anymore. No reasons – nothing. Just cruel and hard.
I know he has self-esteem issues and depression and he often said so but I did nothing but support him through down times, love him, try to build him and show him that I loved him for who he was. I never judged him and we communicated very well – but not about him wanting to run. I had no idea. I am confused and heartbroken and have no idea what to do. When I asked what I did and if he still loved me he said it was ‘him’ and that I did nothing and just kept reapeating, “I dont’ want to be in a relationship anymore.”
It is hearbreaking. I have not contacted him again since he called and he even blocked me from Facebook, with hurt even though I am like Mary – never harrassing, never being abusive, not an unkind work and I never would have. I dont understand his reasons of his coldness and had no doubt we were still madly in love until 2 days before.
🙁
This exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago! Exactly as you described. Did you ever end up hearing from him again? I found this article and the comments so helpful…knowing I am not alone. I have been so hurt/confused and I see last night on Instagram that he’s out with other women. *cue the tears* I know I’m better off but it really hurts.
This couldn’t be more on point. Thankyou!
Wow, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing Paul. This was sent to me from an amazing woman I was with for over two years until I recently broke things off. All of the thoughts, feelings, actions, the “dimensions” are almost everything I’m going through. I felt I needed to break things with her to save her from me. Breaking up with her was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. She’s such an amazing woman, we got along on every facet, never argue, finish each other’s sentences, have the exact same humor, but something within myself is missing and your article hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m ordering the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” that you suggested. Was there anything else you could offer as to advice on how to help resolve these issues?
I think i have read this almost 7x since Sunday. This really helped me make my decision recently and without being able to talk to anyone about what I’m going through these last few days reading this has been my mental savior. I’m sure ill be reading it many more times. Thank you.
You sound almost EXACTLY like my bf. What should I do to build his self esteem? What did you want “Mary” to do to help you? I feel like I’m just taking everything… I feel that no matter what I do nothing changes and it kills me inside. Sometimes I regret to have gotten into this relationship, but at the same time I can’t imagine my life without him. I feel like a lot of his issues are because the loss if his mom at a young age. I’m just really lost, but I’m glad too have found your article at least I can somewhat understand what’s going on in his head.
I was involved with a guy for almost 4 years. A lot of this does not seem like him, but some of it does. He really always made me feel like I was special and worth listening to. I remember when we first started our friendship, I was involved with a cheater, Sam, in an online relationship. Abhi became my friend right about the time I found out Sam was a cheater and Abhi became my shoulder I cried on. But Abhi had low self-esteem, I know, because I saw everything good in him, his loyalty, his kind heart. When I was crying about Sam and his many women one day Abhi said, I envy him. I said. why. He said, because he has so many women after him. I said, so what, they are hoes, one of them I knew cam sexed with anyone. The Abhi said, but I need someone like you, a real woman. In the end I broke it off with Sam, but I did fall in love with Abhi and he fell in love with me. When I would say, why are you so wonderful, he would say, because of you. But almost 4 years into our relationship and he tells me he cannot be in a relationship. It hurt and still does. I wonder if his low self esteem drove him to break it off with me. Idk.
You just totally described my ex-husband. He not only pushed away all the time in many different ways, but also his children. He made everybody so unhappy. I was basically father and mother the whole time and was and still am the strong support for my children. I tried my best, but still he left us 3 times before as if we did something to him, and he went on a sex, dating rampage the last time. I shouldn’t have taken him back the last time, he became a total asshole even though I gave our marriage one last chance. Finally I said enough is enough and told him everything was over and he went nuts!!! We are finally divorce, but even though he found a girlfriend within a month after I kicked him out for good, he manage to interfere in my life and make not only me, but his kids suffer. He is still with that woman who has 4 kids, he hasn’t change a bit.
I’m a guy whose self esteem and confidence is so low that at age 36 I’ve never even been able to ask a woman out in the first place. As such, I’ve never had even a mere second’s glimpse of what it’s like to be in a relationship. At least the guys referred to above had the confidence to ask someone out – or were attractive enough to be asked.
Robert there is someone out there who is thinking exactly the same thing as you and who would feel so incredibly lucky to know you. I understand how difficult it can be to ask someone out – it can be terrifying! Know though, that there is no such thing as rejection. We have all heard ‘no’ and we have all been rejected. Rejection is a redirection to the person you are meant to find. I promise you – there is somebody out there who would love to know you. Everyone has a match – many matches. You do too. I know that for certain.
This rings so true to me.
The guy I have been seeing for the past two years says he loves me and can be so attentive and loving but then out of the blue he will withdraw and want to be alone.
I had suspicions he was texting and messaging a girl we both knew and these were confirmed but when I challenged him on it he said ” we just get on there’s nothing in it” we split for a few weeks earlier this year and I decided to move on or at least I tried but I love him so very much it was hard. Three weeks later he began messaging me saying he had made a mistake and that he had a pattern of “running away” when he felt relationships were getting serious. We started seeing each other again gradually at first and then more frequently 5 months later he has done it again, this pattern of pushing me away as things get serious seems to me to be very similar to your article, he also needs affirmation from people that he looks good or dresses well etc and loves that affirmation to come from other women, I can see that this is a character trait and I became accepting of it but when I realise he is back on the texting with the woman we both know again it breaks my heart.
He says he loves me and he is sorry but he can’t give me what I want, is this just a get out. Is he totally irreparably messed up? I wish I knew
I dated my boyfriend for 4 years, and he broke up with me last month. It’s been a heartbreaking, trying experience.
He has suffered from anxiety and depression, and I have always done my best to be there for him. In turn, he has been there for me as I’ve worked through my own anxiety.
He told me that he doesn’t know what his future looks like anymore. He used to be so sure that no matter what the future held, it always included me. Now, he doesn’t know and wants to take time to be able to find what makes himself happy, as well as figure out what he wants in life. I told him that many people don’t know exactly what they want, and that even things you plan for don’t always happen.
I had proposed working through this as a couple but he is determined to do it on his own and to work through his issues by himself. I know he is hurting, and I want nothing more than to make him happy again. I honestly think that I should be able to get through to him that I love him unconditionally and want to help him through this, and any other challenges that come our way.
Interesting article. It felt as if my husband (soon to be ex) was the one who wrote this article- everything you said describes him to a T! He even (weirdly) looks a lot like you. Anyway, thanks for the read. It’s not often that you find a man who’s willing to do a little soul searching to pin point the root of his problem. Many men, like my husband, sweep their problems under the rug. So, good for you!
Hi Paul, Thank you for your article. I’m a 55 year old woman and just recently discovered, after 25 years of counseling and 3 stays in mental hospitals, that my incredibly intolerable anxiety is from low self esteem. NO ONE ever mentioned, not even once, that my emotional pain was from low self esteem. You said that it is a ‘feeling of constant, nearly unbearable, BACKGROUND anxiety’. My God, that is perfect. That’s it!!! That is what I could never express to my ’emotional caregivers’. I used to say things like, ‘I have this pain in my chest; this deep underlying ‘thing’ that comes and goes, but mostly comes. Relationships with men have been torturous for me. My life has been different for the past week. I have a lot of work to do, still. I can breathe now. Thanks, again, Paul.
I found this article today because I was determined not to give up on my man.I see the pain in his eyes I see he hates who he is. But I see the undeniable love he has for me in those eyes. We both agree we are soul mates and I believe our love to be other worldy. I want to support and help him love himself, I know the work he has ahead. but I truly believe in miracles …and our love is not a miracle it was destined ✨️
Thank you so much Paul from the bottom of my heart for sharing your pain and journey. I’ve just ordered your book. I won’t give up on him 🙏
This was quite a helpful article for me, thank you. I know my husband (of 8 years) is definitely a people pleaser and so a lot of this makes sense. I’ve been really struggling with “my husband’s actions were about him, not some fault or short comings with me” advice being given and what that really means since discovering his compulsive use of pornography/masturbation–which has absolutely wreaked havoc on my own self esteem both within our relationship and outside of it and has led me to go back and question everything I thought I knew about him and the authenticity of the relationship. There’s been many bombs come out since, including the discovery of dating sites (using right up the months before our wedding), lying, inappropriate flirting, looking up old flames or online oogling random women etc in addition to the pornography and the ongoing fear of the possibility that there remains more to be uncovered. I used to feel secure, not suspicious or jealous/comparing and feel good about my overall appearance/attractiveness etc. Even though we’ve been working to heal and repair our relationship and reestablish trust, the idea that seeped its way into my head and latched on–that my partner was not satisfied with me and so was constantly on the lookout for new (better looking, younger, thinner, more interesting etc etc) partners or stimulation has been very, very difficult to shake for me. I feel half the woman I was before and have considered everything from leaving the marriage and remaining single for life to (I’m humiliated to admit) cosmetic surgery, currently I’m considering taking medication for the anxiety and distress it continues to create within me, even though I’m aware this comes with additional side effects. This piece has helped give some meaningful perspective on much of his behaviour.
This article was so helpful. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he completely hates everything about himself. He goes through phases where he seems so invested in me and our relationship to being so cold towards me. As soon as I feel him hitting that switch I withdraw and give him space until he comes to me (which only really takes a couple of hours). He has serious trust issues from past relationships which doesn’t help his self esteem at all and questions my faithfulness often. I have dealt with my own mental health issues in the past and can happily say, with a lot of effort, I figured out what works for me. I love him so much but because he does not love himself he says that he cannot tell me he loves me. I am being very patient but this hurts me so much. I want to stick it out and be there for him but how long am I supposed to go without the love I also need.
Hi there your story made me realize that i need to love myself and my boyfriend too, because when we started talking and met each other we were so happy with each other and gave each other the love bonding we had and we went on a vacation together and he told me it was his first time doing that with me like it has never happen to him with his other ex’s like it was such a good feeling to feel like that with a different person. But anyway after that happen and came back home everything changed like he was telling me if i was ready to be in this relationship were his personality involves with hatetred and negativity and knows this I’m going to leave him after a year and a half being with him because that’s happen to him in his past with his ex’s and it makes me very upset when he talks about his ex girlfriends it irritates the living sh**t out of me like do i really care and it hurts be so much when he’s like that. Like he’s afraid to love himself amf show emotions to me and not communicate with me like isn’t realtionships suppose to be 50 to 50 % but to me it doesnt feel like it. I try to give my boyfriend as much affection i can and its like we doesnt want to give that to me like what is the matter with you. Such a short temper my boyfriend has and i can’t even talk to him on how i feel because he takes things the wrong way and has to prove himself that he’s right about everything like i need lots of help!!!!! Someone please tell me what i should do with a 3 month relationship that has cause through stupid arguments and then don’t want to talk about it and also pretend it like it never happen!!!!!!!
Reading your article it seems my SO is suffering from this, he’s getting therapy help and I was just wondering if there was any advice you can give me to help him through his process? I want to be there for him, I just don’t want to push it and make him push away.
Thank you for the insights. The issues you raise resonate. My partner of fifteen months suffers from low self-esteem. I have sensed it virtually from the get go, and did my best to create a secure and loving environment. He is very loving and attentive when we are together…and then pulls away, and is non-communicative for days. I have on ocassion found him on his phone – and it’s startled him – so figured he’s chatting to other girls online…Well I have cut him off. I need time out to figure next steps. Maybe it’s time to really move on…Very painful.
I have a best friend for 7 years, I am from the Philippines and he is American. He friendzoned me and dated other girls although he does not love any of them. I asked him, you dated these girls to try and make things work but you set me aside. Why? You are convincing yourself that you can love her somehow? I grew up trained by my father that a rejection is a challenge. So, my mistake is I hit his ego to challenge him. I am the type who becomes very challenged in face of obstacles. But when I feel I am not wanted I walk away. For so long, I endured he is dating other women and I am surprised he never sleeps with them. He tells me he does not want to get any of them pregnant. And then he told me, “you will hate it, but I am only sexually comfortable with you, and I’d be glad to have a child with you.” It got me confused. He friendzoned me and then he tells me he wants to have a child with me? a week ago, I told him I am hurting so much I don’t want to be your bestfriend anymore. He I guess got mad, he blocked me and unblocked me after. Just tonight, he told my niece that he loves me but he also said “I am nothing more but a piece of a puzzle that fits into Charity’s (me) life. If she remembers my 2 exes, they deserve someone better.” My confusion is, is he inlove with me too? But just so afraid to lose me as a bestfriend that he does not want to make “us” an official couple? All his girlfriends are so threatened of me that some of them attacked me. Now, I am in a dilemma asking myself if I am right that he is inlove with me or am I just fucked up too.
Wow, this article explained my current situation to a T. My fiance and I (well, him) decided to separate for now because he has anger issues, is off all of his mental health medications for the first time in years, and recently had a heroin overdose. I saved his life. He has 2 daughters that I love to pieces. We were due to get married in October but postponed. I KNOW he loves me. We have to live together for the next 2 months. He has been clean for 3 months now off all substances and struggles with life every day. His mind goes to very dark places and he is kind of all over the place. He has not been treating me well lately, and knows it, and is going to start therapy for his anger and the past. He wants to get better. I’m just fricken sad and am trying to have some faith. He said to me this morning, Al, I love you. Please just let me do what I have to do to get better. He does feel unworthy of me, I believe. I am currently just trying to take care of myself but I ache in my heart. I love this guy so much. He said for me to have faith that everything is going to work out. We got engaged and moved in too fast too.
I hope we can work things out. I made a therapy appointment for myself too. I have issues I need to work on. In my heart I think we will be okay, but fear overrides faith a lot of the time. I am an addict in recovery as well, clean for almost 11 years. Unfortunately he is so messed in his mind I cannot do what you’ve said… Kiss him and touch him. I have NO idea where we really stand. I do know what it’s like to be in early recovery though… And off medication… And it blows.