11 Breakup Survival Tips (That Don’t Involve Positive Thinking)

Breakups are as much a part of the human experience as a breathing oxygen and not licking cactuses. It’s actual science that going through a breakup does the same thing to your body as withdrawal from an addiction, activating the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings.

As well as this, emotional pain triggers the same pathways in the brain as physical pain. 

That’s the bad news. The good news is that it will get better. 

If you’re going through a breakup now you’ll probably want to file that under ‘B‘ for ‘But you don’t get it – no-body has ever lost like I’ve lost.’  Yes. It’s highly possible that humankind is unfamiliar with the level of wretched misery you’ve fallen to now, but read on anyway, because the ugly truth is that the only way through a breakup is straight through the middle. Here’s how to start with that:

  1. Don’t make any big decisions.   

    Tattoos, relationships, work and cutting off your locks. It might seem seem like a good idea to get ‘Just Breathe,’ or ‘Live Life‘ tattooed in times roman 120pt on your forearm but seriously, if you need these sort of reminders so badly as to have them embedded into your skin, then you’re in no position to be making life-lasting decisions. They might all turn out to be great decisions one day, but make them when Rhianna stops singing ‘Love the way you lie’ in your head. ‘Just gonna stand there and watch me bu…’ Don’t. Just don’t.

  2. Unfriend him (or her) on Facebook.   Do it right now. We’ll wait.

    He’s not going to be posting sad faced ‘missing you’ selfies from the places you used to go – and anything else, you don’t need to know about. Keeping up the follow will swallow you whole. The only reason to have him there is to check he’s not getting on with his life too happily without you. He will be. So will you, without him, just as soon as you stop the Facebook stalk. If you’re going to keep him friended, just rip your heart from your chest, hand it over and tell him to squeeze. It will hurt a lot less.  

  3. Exercise. Just not at the gym he goes to. At the same time he goes there.

    Possibly the only exercise you’ll feel like doing is hurling ‘that’ photo of both of you across the room but if you can manage something more active (though perhaps less cathartic) you will feel better afterwards. Cortisol, the stress hormone, will be making itself at home inside you. One way to take the fire out of cortisol is to exercise. Exercise will also stimulate the brain to release endorphins (the feel good chemicals) and you’ll already be short on them so you’ve got nothing to lose. You don’t have to work up a sweat – going for a walk will do. A caveat though: If the activity involves walking slowly past his house or climbing up the stormwater pipe to get a look into his window, it doesn’t count as exercise. It counts as stalking. 

  4. Get rid of texting capacity if you’re going to have a drink. A couple of drinks won’t make you Shakespeare. They just won’t.

    Alcohol is a depressant, so if you’re on a downhill slide it’s best to stay away from it. If you are going to have a drink though, protect yourself at all costs from the temptation to drunk text. You’re human. You’ll want to. But don’t fall for the courage that comes in a bottle of decent pinot. It’s been fed by slightly hammered wisdom and it won’t end well. Never. Ever. Just give your phone to a friend you trust and tell her to feed it to a pack of wolves before even thinking of giving it back to you. Unless you’re totally – totally – sober. You won’t need to explain why. She’ll get it. 

  5. Connect with friends and family. 

    The real ones. Not the ones who you haven’t heard from since the last crisis. The real ones who will sit through ‘Love Actually’ with you for the 37th time and eat microwaved Indian from the dodgy plastic container it came in last night because you used the last clean plate three days ago. One of the reasons a breakup hurts so much is because it messes around with the primal need to be connected to other people. You might not be able to be with the one person you want to be with, but spending time with your tribe will feed the human need for connection and will bring a much needed boost of oxytocin (the happy hormone) you’ve been missing. And those real friends? On the way out the door they’ll pop the dishwasher on before telling you they’ve organised for both of you to do salsa dancing classes to get you out of the house. Don’t argue. Just go. There’s a good chance you’re starting to smell like a week-long temper and it will only get worse.

  6. Give your bedroom a bit of a reno. And get some sleep.

    Buy new sheets, new pjs and new scented candles for your bedroom – nothing that reminds you of him. Get rid of anything that makes you think of what you’ve lost. And then remind yourself that you haven’t lost it because it wasn’t there. Otherwise he would be too. Shake away those sepia dusted images of the two of you at your almost-but-not-quite spring wedding staring longingly at each other or the buffet. Keep your ‘OMG My Wedding Yay’ Pinterest board though. It will still come in handy one day. If you want it to. It just won’t be with him – and that will be okay, you’ll see. And stop falling asleep on the couch in your day clothes. 

  7. Eat Healthy. Or don’t. Whatever. Just don’t keep it going for too long.

    You’re doing it tough.  You’ve got enough to worry about – you don’t need to get sick on top of everything else. Give your body what it needs to function. Eat healthy and eat regularly. Of course, the occasional crowd-pleaser bucket of fried chicken won’t hurt. Everything in moderation. Or in a delicious crunchy coating.

  8.  He’s gone. He’s not coming back. But you are.

    Every breakup survival needs a breakup comeback. When the time is right, plan for yours. Do something you wouldn’t have done while you were with him – and no – that doesn’t mean hooking up with Russell, the 40-something from accounts with the earring and gold bracelet who threw you a cheesey line at office drinks. He’s not the only man to own a guitar and being able to play the first four bars of The Simpsons doesn’t make him a musician. Leave Russell where you found him – possibly texting Shona, Shaniqua and Shaniya – and instead learn Italian, cook French, buy new lingerie (with you in mind, because you deserve it), plan a girls trip to Morocco – or if you’re budget’s gasping for breath, a girls’ trip to Target for your new lacy knickers will do fine.

  9.  Don’t meet up for coffee as friends. Actually, don’t do anything as friends.

    There is nothing in this ‘let’s be friends’ thing for you. No doubt you’re a mature, emotionally together lady-human who can deal with this just fine, and deal with it you will … until he wants to introduce you to his new friend Sally – ‘Sal’ – the pilates instructor who snacks on kale and beetroot juice and drops a quick line about the movie they saw last night together. Together. As in, to-geth-er. Rational heads don’t necessarily follow broken hearts. There. I said it. So when they go to the movies, you (quietly) go to ‘What. A. Jackass. Did I ever really know him no I don’t think I did because we’ve been untogether for three months now which is practically five minutes in breakup years and now he’s watching movies with some girl and that can only mean that they’re shagging and she says his name like they’re practically engaged and I can’t believe this did he ever really care about me at awwwwwwlllll?’ Sound familiar? Nope? Well maybe just me then. At any rate, you loved him once remember. And he loved you. It’s hard to go backwards from that.

    If you can take the dignified high road and forgive and forget and be friends, good for you, but you might be heading for trouble. You’ve been there. Done that. Nothing to gain from doing it again. In this sort of relationship, someone will always want more. And it probably won’t be him – especially if it’s only been weeks since he was outta there. If he is the one that wants more, then still ‘no’. A few weeks is never enough for him to ”find himself’.  He’s not a remote that slipped behind the couch. It’s never that simple. Never.

    Of course, if you have kids together you will have to stay on friendly terms (at least in front of the kids). It might not be easy but you’re a woman who will always love your kids more than you’ll want to hate any man so you’ll be fine. You’re phenomenal. And that’s why you’re his loss. Remember that.

  10.  Look for what it can give you.

    Sometimes when you’re down it’s because there’s something down there you’re meant to find. As part of your breakup survival, look for the gems. What can you learn? Why did you choose the relationship? What’s the wisdom that’s left for you when everything is said and done? Everyone comes into our lives to learn from us or to teach us. What have you learnt? The fact that it’s over doesn’t mean it wasn’t important. It just means it’s run its course and it’s no longer the right one. Use it as a step up to the one that is.

  11.  You only have to get through today.

    Don’t think too far ahead. It still has the imprints of you and him with your perfectly behaved children, that spring wedding and you running that marathon (actually, keep that one – just don’t have him at the finish line ready to receive you and your gazelle-esque stride). Just don’t go there. Unless it’s to make real plans for something fun. You only have to get through today. You can deal with tomorrow when it gets to you. Just put one foot in front of the other and it will get easier. Promise.

Above all else remember that the path to wisdom and a happy life is often littered with shards of broken hearts, including our own. And keep going. You’ll get there. 

What are your breakup survival remedies? Let us know in the comments below …

147 Comments

bev

i soo needed this real no bull read
one year out of a blindsided separation been together 27 years.boy its hard even now but articles like these give me stamina.thankyou

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Christine

I left my partner of 14 years in August 2020 because he was secretly meeting up with his ex-wife from 30 years ago that recently moved back to this State. She also happens to be my cousin… I was devastated. She left him 30+ years ago for another man, left her son behind and a lot of heartache. She returned and started giving him ‘extra attention’ that I sensed at family events. He denied it but I felt him pushing me away. I ended up moving out, hoping it would wake him up to see what he was loosing. After several weeks he started to make contact again – and our relationship rekindled but not living together. He asked me to go on a holiday he had planned for himself, I agreed to go but asked if he had invited his ex – he said no. On our last night away of a lovely holiday, I happened to look at his phone and found evidence of lots of contact by phone and an email from him inviting her on this holiday. I confronted him and he had no option to eventually admit this. I felt humiliated and 2nd best. Despite all this our relationship continued on a part-time basis but once you lose the trust it’s hard to get that back. We continued on this part-time relationship. It turns out that is how he wanted to continue and not live together. I couldn’t handle the yoyoing of it all and called it quits just before NYE. I’m still heartbroken that it didn’t work, makes it particularly hard because a cousin involved… They haven’t taken the relationship any further but I can’t seem to let go but I am trying very hard this time to cut the cord and not contact. It is so hard but helped to offload. Thanks for listening. Nothing is ever straight forward and he has had a lot going on this year and he has finally taken the step to get help for depression. Am I wrong to feel hopeful that once he gets in a better headspace that there might be a chance for us???

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Rich

Christine,
I can answer your question: yes, you are wrong to think that his self help will result in a different person than the one who left you for your cousin. I’m so sorry. I can tell you that he has given you the greatest gift. He has given you the gift of you. Look in the mirror and see the lovely woman you are. You deserve the love you want. You deserve to be treated with complete dignity and respect. Don’t settle for less. Choose you, Christine and love and happiness will come. You have to be in allowance of it. To be in allowance you must believe you deserve it. To believe you deserve it, you must love yourself.

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Cat

My ex and I had been together for about 8 months and i was happy because i had thought i had finally found the one. I genuinely loved them. He showed me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like and i couldnt be more grateful. Recently on New Years Eve he asked for a break because he was unhappy in our relationship. I feel sorry for not being able to give everything he needed emotionally especially since I started a new job. My schedule there is completely new to my old job so I was just starting to adjust my time for everything. During that time he felt lonely even though i would try to hangout with him as much as I could and I would text him and message him everyday. But i guess things felt different so then while I was crying by myself on New Years Eve by myself at 11pm I realized that it was time to break things off and now I feel lonely myself. He hasnt answered my break up text yet and I dont think he will until after the break he wanted to take so wish me luck. Also, I know its says not be befriend your ex but he means so much to me. Hes my best friend and has always been there for me. Is that a good ideas though? How is it like to have an ex as a friend? This is also the 2nd break weve been on since the last break he took he was deciding whether he was gonna breakup with me or not before he left in august 2021 but he decided to try long distance with me.

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Shaun

Just don’t. It’s not worth it. Your heart will heal no matter how close the relationship was. Don’t try to be friends. If he was so uncertain about you that he needed to take two breaks from you then you should be certain about him- he’s not the one for you and you can do better than him. You deserve more. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel doubtful, who makes you feel secure, and someone who you know will be there for you. As the article says, being friends works fine and dandy until they do or say something that will utterly crush you again. Don’t make yourself go through a break up twice. I know it’s hard, but ripping off the band aid once is far easier than reapplying it and ripping it over again and again. You will be fine. I can guarantee you that. It’s ok to feel hurt, lonely, sad, angered, confused. Just take it one day at a time and do what makes you feel better- while trying your best to be healthy. Find the balance in your life that works, remember what makes you happy, and live each day anew and you will be happy again. Not all relationships last the test of time, and if he broke up with you on New Year’s Eve, take this as a new opportunity to breathe again and rediscover yourself. This will be a stepping stone for your own self improvement- and it’s perfect timing for a new year and a new you.

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Dee

Week before Christmas. LTR live-in (11 years). Abruptly broke up tonight, even though I have been wanting to end things for quite some time. Had intention of breakup after holidays, but HE asked me if I wanted him to leave (living in MY house) and I shocked him by saying YES. He has an adult daughter whom he dotes on. She blew all her money on booze and now her Daddy supports her, even though she works. She manipulates him constantly, but he just can’t see it. The final straw was me refusing to allow her to come here for Christmas because of the COVID19 pandemic. Her job exposes her to many people, many positives. I didn’t feel safe allowing her to come for Christmas and my fiancé did not want to see reason. There are so many issues, yet he is unwilling to talk about them. Constantly wants me to do things for him— phone calls, internet research, insurance quotes, etc. Feel like his employee. All in all, breakup had been coming for a long time. But was trying to get through the holidays, before our breakup would render him homeless. Our situation is hopeless because we cannot communicate, on ANY level. I’m sad, but also relieved it’s finally over.

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Jas

he broke up with me because he thought his best friend, i didnt so he broke up with me for no reason and i loved him. he asked to be friends what do i do?

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Liebe

Personally I wouldn’t be friends with him. It extends the pain you’re already feeling from losing that relationship. It’ll make you hold onto hope when there maybe isn’t anything to hold on to.

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Wind

I am reading reading, reading, everything right now. for me it was not a romantic relationship though … kind of was and he gave me mixed signals. but he was my best friend and comrade. we went through a tough time together and were there for each other. but now that everything is fine he said I am allowed to die since he doesnt need me any more. I am confused as to… what should I have done? he has a girlfriend now and said this is it. was he expecting something more? but losing my best friend is so much tougher…. it just feels like the whole world abandoned me. how am I going to get old with not one soul to trust? I feel like a dog who was thrown out of a moving car to th side of the road. I have no strength. but Im reading, reading, trying to understand, trying to find the power to keep going.

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Audrey

I have just been broken up with for the third time by the same man whom I have been with for a year and a half. I also work with him and have to see him everyday. He is an alcoholic and broke up for good reason because of it. I knew it was probably coming, but I am still hurting greatly and feel so utterly lonely. I suddenly have way too much time and no energy. I feel like my head is detached and wont work right. I have so much emotion. Yet he seems okay. I struggle to keep my mind busy because not doing so hurts too much. What is this life we live? What is the purpose for all the pain? I started dating him as I was getting divorced 2 years ago. I’m about to graduate with my Associates degree. I’ve moved back with my parents. I’m 34 years old. So many changes. So many struggles. My heart is so heavy.

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Brooke

My biggest question, my most troubling why, is if I loved this person so deeply, truly fought to have and fought to keep this person, what does that say about me? My choices reflect my needs and my needs reflect my worth, so why did I choose someone who is incredibly unstable, to the extent of being unwell? Why did I try to integrate this person into my family with two little kids? How did I let myself depend on someone financially and emotionally who from the start was intensely undependable? The bond between us was so intense. I welded myself to a person who, when he brought me joy, did it magnificently; he made me Helen of Troy, but when he disappointed it’s the stuff of comedy routines. It’s so unkind to be absurd. Am I inherently unstable? Why did I tolerate this? These wild swings? Why do I still crave him? Despite the wreckage? It makes me fear my judgment, what I might love next, and what makes me capable of being treated like this. I grieve most this rising knowledge that I will never be happy. There are plenty of other guys out there who will mistreat me if that’s what I’m into. They need only be sexy, creative, witty, and intensely bright, and eager to oscillate between treating me like fetid garbage and Lady Gaga. I woke up, and realized I am Courtney Love. Except he’s still out there.

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Rich

Brooke,
I know it’s been over a year and for your sake I hope you have answered your own questions. However, if you have not than I can guide you a bit… you are dealing with childhood trauma as well as an anxious attachment style. I know this because I have been healing both and have spent hours and hours reading, writing, and talking about it. I cannot get into all the details but if you search the terms you will get all the info you need. The short answer to your questions is that you will find partners who share your trauma and either a. Try to fix them or b. Have them fix you. The problem is they have the same trauma so have none of the tools to do that. Neither of you get fixed and the relationship collapses. You will inexplicably want that person even though the relationship was terrible. That is how you know that it was a healing cycle and not a relationship built on healthy love. Your relationships are mirrors and what you get from that person is all you can give. They reflect your own unresolved issues. Learn the lessons and heal before repeating the cycle with someone else. Lastly, the anxious attachment style causes you to hang on tightly as they reject you, so it will take you much longer to let go. You may have noticed that your exes all have moved on before you could. Anxious attachment will seek out dismissive-avoidant. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Truly. But I promise that if you address these issues in yourself and find the love that you already have inside that you WILL find that unconditional love in another. Be strong, Brooke, and know that you are loved.

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Deena

I don’t even know where to begin. I have been in what I suspect is a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for a little over a year which has finally come to a very painful end. The entire relationship I spent trying to prove my worth and value to this person with them constantly criticizing me. They would tell me that I am boring, I have no goals, I am not passionate etc. in addition to them constantly insinuating that I am dumb and all that. It wasn’t all bad. It did come across like they were truly trying to help me be a better person. Anyway due to unforeseen circumstances I fell into depression. At that point I just knew it over for me as I had been hanging by a loose thread anyway. I had to tell him I was unable to give him what he wants from me right now and I did hope he would stay and give me more time to get back on my feet. He chose to leave and expose the private reason I was depressed to his entire family. Devastated is an understatement for how I feel. I would have never predicted that my life could unravel with such a series of unfortunate events. I don’t know how I could ever be happy again. I am so traumatized by life. So much loss all at the same time. Every step I take I hear his voice “be more fun! Show me you’re passionate! Impress me!”. The feeling of worthlessness is something that nobody will ever fully understand. I’m not sleeping. In addition I need to spend lots of money and time to fix the issue that resulted in me being depressed. I have so much guilt and regret and I am just a shell of my former self. I will never forget how low I feel right now. I pray I make it to the other side.

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Mercedes N

I’m going through a break up right now and reading your post actually gives me strength for me and you. Only because I know you will get past this, pain doesn’t last forever and everything on this planet is temporary especially emotions. You don’t think your strong enough to pass this phase but you are and eventually you will have no choice but to let go of the pain in the same sense you had to let go of your relationship. Nothing happens on OUR Time just because we want it to. There is a very valuable lesson for you in this which is why you are STUCK, A lesson that’s bigger than the relationship it’s self. After reading this you made me realize how I MUST SOUND LOL, Just like you. But without even knowing you I see the light at the end of the tunnel, which means that my light will come soon too. Stay strong, we have our whole lives ahead of us don’t stay stuck in the moment…especially a bad one lol.

Reply
Teresa

He is a narcissist. Read everything you can on narcissistic personality disorder. Put your running shoes on and don’t look back. You are lucky to have escaped him.

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Imelda k

I know how low you feel because i’m going through the same thing and all i wanna do is dissapear to another continet if possible…but one day at a time we will get to the other side happy and peaceful.hang on

Reply
Shane

We we’re just together for 3 months compared to others that was been on a long term relationships that was ended but heck, why am I feeling this way. When throughout that relationship I was the only one suffering. He was my crush and everything just happen so fast that I didn’t even notice. I got pregnant but the only thing that I hear from him is he will think first leaving me behind. At first I understand him or I did try to understand him. I don’t even know why I love him when all he did was break my heart. I’m 5 months pregnant know and I’m just taking care of it myself without his help and even support which I told him so. He is the most ungrateful man I ever know but why do I still love him despite of that. It is so frustrating because I ended up stalking his facebook and stuff like that and when he texted me I just got excited and have my hopes up again even though I know it will just end up me hurting myself. I’m so stressed and depressed by this already and the only thing that keeps me going is the child that I’m bearing . I don’t really know what to do know or I’ll say I know what to do but it is so hard for me to do it. 🙁

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All kids need the 'the right things' to thrive. The right people, the right motivation, the right encouragement. Out in the world, at school, or wherever they find themselves, kids and teens with anxiety don't need any extra support - they just need their share, but in a way that works for them. 

In a world that tends to turn towards the noise, it can be easy for the ones that tend to stand back and observe and think and take it all in, to feel as though they need to be different - but they don't. Kids and teens who are vulnerable to anxiety tend to have a different and wonderful way of looking at the world. They're compassionate, empathic, open-hearted, brave and intelligent. They're exactly the people the world needs. The last thing we want is for them to think they need to be anyone different to who they are.

#parenting #anxietysupport #childanxietyawareness #mindfulparenting #parent #heywarrior #heysigmund
Sometimes silence means 'I don't have anything to say.' Sometimes it means, 'I have plenty to say but I don't want to share it right here and right now.'

We all need certain things to feel safe enough to put ourselves into the world. Kids with anxiety are thoughtful, observant and insightful, and their wisdom will always have the potential to add something important to the world for all of us. Until they have a felt sense of safety though, we won’t see it.

This safety will only happen through relationship. This isn’t a child thing, or an anxiety thing. It’s a human thing. We’re all wired to feel safest when we’re connected to the people around us. For children it starts with the adult in the room.

We can pour all the resources we want into learning support, or behaviour management, but until children have a felt sense of safety and connection with the adult in the room, the ‘thinking brain’ won’t be available. This is the frontal cortex, and it’s the part of the brain needed for learning, deliberate decisions, thinking through consequences, rational thinking. During anxiety, it’s sent offline.

Anxiety is not about what is actually safe, but about what the brain perceives. A child can have the safest, most loving, brilliant teacher, but until there is a felt sense of connection with that teacher (or another adult in the room), anxiety will interrupt learning, behaviour, and their capacity to show the very best of what they can do. And what they can do will often be surprising - insightful, important, beautiful things.

But relationships take time. Safety and trust take time. The teachers who take this time are the ones who will make the world feel safer for these children - all children, and change their world in important, enduring ways. This is when learning will happen. It’s when we’ll stop losing children who fly under the radar, or whose big behaviour takes them out of the classroom, or shifts the focus to the wrong things (behaviour, learning, avoidance, over relationships).

The antidote to anxiety is trust, and the greatest way to support learning and behaviour is with safe, warm, loving relationships. It’s just how it is, and there are no shortcuts.
In uncertain times, one thing that is certain is the profound power of you to help their world feel safe enough. You are everything to them and however scary the world feels, the safety of you will always feel bigger. 

When the world feels fragile, they will look to us for strength. When it feels unpredictable, they will look to us for calm. When they feel small, we can be their big. 

Our children are wired to feel safe when they are connected and close to us. That closeness doesn’t always have to mean physical proximity, but of course that will be their favourite. Our words can build their safe base, “I know this feels scary love, and I know we will be okay.” And our words can become their wings, “I can hear how worried you are, and I know you are brave enough. You were built for this my love. What can you do that would be brave right now?”

We might look for the right things to do or the right things to say to make things better for them, but the truth of it all is the answer has always been you. Your warmth, your validation, your presence, your calm, your courage. You have the greatest power to help them feel big enough. You don’t have to look for it or reach for it - it’s there, in you. Everything you need to help them feel safe enough and brave enough is in you. 

This doesn’t mean never feeling scared ourselves. It’s absolutely okay to feel whatever we feel. What it means is allowing it to be, and adding in what we can. Not getting over it, but adding into it - adding strength, calm, courage. So we feel both - anxious and strong, uncertain and determined, scared and safe ‘enough’. 

When our children see us move through our own anxiety, restlessness, or uncertainty with courage, it opens the way for them to do the same. When our hearts are brave enough and calm enough, our children will catch this, and when they do, their world will feel safe enough and they will feel big enough.
The temptation to lift our kiddos out of the way of anxiety can be spectacular. Here's the rub though - avoidance has a powerful way of teaching them that the only way to feel safe is to avoid. This makes sense, but it can shrink their world. 

We also don't want to go the other way, and meet their anxiety by telling them there's nothing to worry about. They won't believe it anyway. The option is to ride the wave with them. Breathe, be still, and stay in the moment so they can find their way there too. 

This is hard - an anxious brain will haul them into the future and try to buddy them up with plenty of 'what-ifs' - the raging fuel for anxiety. Let them know you get it, that you see them, and that you know they can do this. They won't buy it straight away, and that's okay. The brain learns from experience, so the more they are brave, the more they are brave - and we know they are brave.

 #parenting #positiveparenting #parenthood #parentingtips #childdevelopment #anxietyinchildren #neuronurtured #childanxiety #parentingadvice #heywarrior #anxietysupport #anxietyawareness #mindfulparenting #positiveparentingtips #parentingtip #neurodevelopment
To do this, we will often need to ‘go first’ with calm and courage. This will mean calming our own anxiety enough, so we can lead them towards things that are good for them, rather than supporting their avoidance of things that feel too big, but which are important or meaningful. 

The very thing that makes you a wonderful parent, can also get in the way of moving them through anxiety. As their parent, you were built to feel distress at their distress. This distress works to mobilise you to keep them safe. This is how it’s meant to work. The problem is that sometimes, anxiety can show up in our children when it there is no danger, and no need to protect. 

Of course sometimes there is a very real need to keep our children safe, and to support them in the retreat from danger. Sometimes though, the greatest things we can do for them is support their move towards the things that are important a or meaningful, but which feel too big in the moment. One of the things that makes anxiety so tough to deal with is that it can look the same whether it is in response to a threat, or in response to things that will flourish them. 

When anxiety happens in the absence of threat, it can move us to (over)protect them from the things that will be good for them (but which register as threat). I’ve done it so many times myself. We’re human, and the pull to move our children out of the way of the things that are causing their distress will be seismic. The key is knowing when the anxiety is in response to a real threat (and to hold them back from danger) and when it is in response to something important and meaningful (and to gently support them forward). The good news is that you were built to move towards through both - courage and safety. The key to strengthening them is knowing which one when - and we don’t have to get it right every time.♥️

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