3 Proven Ways to Strengthen and Protect Children and Teens Against Anxiety

Anxiety comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala is like that friend who loves you loads, but takes everything personally and always assumes the worst. 

The amygdala’s job is to constantly scan the environment looking for threat. When it senses something that might be a threat – and separation, humiliation, exclusion count as threat – it will surge our bodies with a neurochemical fuel to get us ready to fight or flee the threat.

This is what strong, healthy amygdalae do, and they’ve been doing it since the beginning of forever. They are mighty masterful at the job – experts, actually – but sometimes they can work too hard to protect us, organising our bodies for fight or flight even when there is no need. When there is no fight or flight, there is nothing to burn the neurochemical fuel surging through us, so it builds up and creates the symptoms of anxiety. For our kids and teens – for any of us – this can feel awful, but there is a way to turn it around.

First though, about change …

The brain changes and wires through experience, so the more of something it does, the easier that something will be. This will happen for better or worse. Brave behaviour will lead to more brave behaviour, and avoidance will make avoidance more likely.

If anxiety has been around for a while, this is a sign that the amygdala is a strong, powerful, active one. This is absolutely not a sign of breakage. It’s a sign of a strong, healthy, powerful brain that has learned the fight or flight spectacularly well. It might take a little while to teach that amygdala to let go of that well-learned response, but absolutely this can be done.

For a while, moving through anxiety and towards brave behaviour might feel awkward and scary for your child, as any new behaviour does. When things feel awkward and unfamiliar, the temptation will be to go back to what’s familiar – for you and your child. This is how it is for all of us.

This might mean that when you encourage your child or teen towards brave behaviour, things might get a little worse before they get better – but they will get better. Just be aware of this, so you can give yourself and your small human some big love when you’re feeling mean for pushing them forward, or when they’re pushing against you with everything in them. 

Something to keep in mind – ‘Does my response support them, or their anxiety?’

Avoidance will strengthen their anxiety, brave behaviour will strengthen them. 

Anxiety can be a shady character. Sometimes it can feel as though our response is supporting our child, when actually it’s supporting his or her anxiety. This is a breathtakingly easy trap to fall into, and it’s likely that anyone who has a child who has been anxious at some point, has fallen into it. As parents we want to protect our children from harm. The thing is though, our role isn’t only to keep them safe, but to raise them to be strong, resilient and brave, so they can help themselves to safety. 

For this reason, it is important to begin with the mindset that your child or teen has everything they need inside them to move towards brave behaviour. Anxiety drives drives avoidance, and the more avoidance is the chosen response, the more the brain will wire around that. This will drive a fierce tendency to avoid, as it will feel like the only way to stay safe. 

The beautiful flip side of this is that the more our children and teens move towards a brave response, even when they’re feeling anxious, the easier brave behaviour will become. The right experiences can rework the neural wiring on two fronts. First, they can make an overprotective amygdala less likely to fire up unnecessarily. Second, they can strengthen the parts of the brain that can actually calm anxiety. No doubt about it, this will require patience and persistence. Understanding how it works will make it easier to move forward when everything in you or your child is telling you to retreat to somewhere that feels softer and less frightening.

Strengthening against anxiety is a process, and given that we are working with a strong, powerful, highly experienced amygdala that performs its job with fierce commitment, retraining it to be less active will take time and consistency – as all worthwhile things do.

There are three things that have been proven to change the structure and function of the brain to protect and strengthen it against anxiety. Mindfulness, exercise and gratitude can, quite literally, create new pathways in the brain that can support your child in being calmer, braver and less anxious. At the same time, they can work towards fading the pathways that have strengthened around fight (anger, tantrums) or flight (avoidance). Let’s look at how these work.

Exercise

Exercise is the wonderdrug-but-not-a-drug of the mental health world. The effects of exercise on mental health are profound. In the same way exercise strengthens the body, it also does amazing things for the brain. Rne of the ways exercise strengthens the brain against anxiety is by boosting levels of important neurotransmitters. One of these is GABA

 Some neurons are easily excited and quick to fire up. In the right amounts, they’re little gems. We need them to help us think quickly, act quickly and remember. When there are too many of them firing up though, anxiety can happen – but not if there is enough GABA to calm things down. GABA has the very important job of settling these neurons when they get a little too playful. If GABA is low, there is nothing to calm these over-excited neurons.

Mindfulness

  

Think of mindfulness as paying attention to one thing at a time in the moment. Mindfulness trains the brain to let thoughts, feelings, sensations come and go. Thoughts in themselves aren’t the problem. The trouble comes when they stay for longer than they need to and fuel feelings and behaviour. With regular practice, mindfulness builds the capacity for children and teens to be with their thoughts and feelings, without reacting to them. Eventually, this makes way for anxious thoughts and feelings to be there, but without the intensity and persuasiveness that can drive fear and avoidance.

Here’s how mindfulness changes the brain:

  • it decreases activity in the amygdala;
  • it increases activity in the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that is responsible for calming our big emotional responses (such as anxiety, fear, anger);
  • it strengthens connectivity between the   reduce anxiety. 
  • it increases GABA (the neurotransmitter that also gets a boost with exercise);
  • it decreases cortisol (the stress hormone);
  •  it strengthens the neural connections that activate the relaxation response, which is a response that has been found to neutralise the neurochemicals connected to the fight or flight response;
Gratitude

Anxious thoughts are often driven by anxious memories, but research has found that these memories don’t need to come from actual experiences. When children hear about an emotional experience, such as through the news, a friend, a movie, or a story, this can be enough to influence the amygdala. These experiences don’t have to be big to have influence. Hearing about an experience that was embarrassing, confusing, frightening or confronting for someone else, can be enough. These stories might not always be in awareness, but they can sit behind the scenes and drive worries, fear and negative thinking.

Positive memories can push against the power of frightening or emotional memories, and their capacity to fuel anxious thoughts and behaviour. Thoughts and memories also create pathways in the brain, so the more a thought or memory is accessed, the easier it will be to access in the future. Research has found that gratitude can increase our tendency to recall positive memories. When positive memories more accessible, they will have a greater influence on thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

Nurturing gratitude and building a store of positive memories can be done simply. Before school or at bedtime, ask your child or teen to name three things they is grateful for. Encourage them to write them in a journal, or on pieces of paper that get popped into a gratitude jar or box. This will create a visual cue, as well as a place they can go to when they need a little boost.

And finally …

We will never get rid of all anxiety our children feel – and we don’t want to. When there really is something to steer away from, the fight or flight response can be a lifesaver. What we want them to do is to read their anxiety, and to take charge. We want them to see that anxiety is a warning, and sometimes an unnecessary one, not a stop sign. Most importantly, we want to empower them to respond to anxiety with strength and courage, and to move towards brave behaviour whenever they can.

Any progress is great progress. Anxiety is difficult to deal with, but it is manageable. There will be steps forward and steps back, but over time the forward steps will become more and the backward ones will become less. Each one of these strategies will make a difference, and you don’t need to do all of them. Choose one to start with, and try to be as consistent as possible with that then, when they’re ready, introduce another. Be patient, and be kind to yourself. It takes time to nurture brave little people into brave big ones. And don’t underestimate the difference you’re making by being one of the people who believe in them, and who can see them for the capable, brave, magic-makers they are.

5 Comments

Amanda

It’s good to read articles like this. I am having a hard time with my 8 year old son. My mum passed away in January, although she was poorly with cancer it was a big shock how quickly it all happened. We were so close to my mum especially Dylan. Then in May I found out my husband had been having an affair and he left us. Dylan was understandable upset and very angry. Going back to school in September seemed to trigger something else and his anxiety about everything is sky high. I can no longer get him into school. I kept try every morning but he was becoming so aggressive the school agreed it was getting to dangerous for both of us. I try every day to get him out this house, this is often very hard. He becomes very angry with anxiety. He also says why did he have to be born and that he doesn’t want to be alive. This upsets me so much, I try to be brave and calm but it’s so hard. In between outbursts he can be his usual loving self and we we do have some fun times. I’m finding it hard to look ahead and see things get to any better.

Reply
Annabel

You and your son have had a rough time! Stay strong. I hope some of the article helps you.

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Nic

I needed this awesome article right now! Thank you!

It’s hard to put into a few sentences but My daughter has just turned 6. She is in her first year of school. She is bright, active, strong willed and social. But can often have emotional outbursts around separation from me, transitions and change…especially when tired, getting sick or overwhelmed. The patterns in her behaviour over several years leads me to feel she can get anxious quite a bit.

Now that she has entered school and is getting older I feel a huge amount of pressure for her to ‘manage’ her emotional outbursts. People don’t seem to understand she often needs extra time to transition into an activity and becomes highly stressed if she feels ‘forced’. Her natural response is ‘fight’.

I have wondered lately what I’m doing wrong and does she need professional help. So to read your words outlined below is just what I needed to keep raising and loving the child in front of me just as she is. She doesn’t need fixing

“This is absolutely not a sign of breakage. It’s a sign of a strong, healthy, powerful brain that has learned the fight or flight spectacularly well.“

Thank you

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Karen Young

I’m so pleased you have found the article. Your daughter is still learning how to manage her big feelings. The part of her brain that can control big feelings is still developing. It will take time, and this is exactly how it’s meant to be. Talk to her about her big feelings when she is calm in a way that guides her. This is her time to learn, and expecting young children to behave like adults just gets in the way. Love her big and prioritise connection – that’s how you get the influence you need to strengthen her.

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Adriana

both of my two sons (12 and 8 years) have some parts of anxeity….so difficult….thanks for this great article

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Christine P

I have six children. My husband has ADHD and dyslexia (undiagnosed and unrealized until after several of our children were formally diagnosed). All six kids have either an IEP or 504 for dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalulia. I am at my wits end with the over-the-top emotions, disobedience, fighting, etc. My oldest (19) started Adderall last year and loves it. I have tried it for two other kids with no success. We tried Concerta. No dice. Vayvansa for one kid, nope. I’m not crazy about meds for my kids but our family is imploding from the stress. I need an immediate option so we can function while working on long term solutions. I have taken some kids to counseling but it’s almost unsustainable given the cost and logistics involved. Every day is screaming, crying, stress. I dread every day getting them out the door for school, dread picking them up and the eternity of homework, dinner, chores, bedtime. There is very little I enjoy these days about mothering. I am on meds for anxiety and depression. I have been through A LOT of counseling myself. I am well versed in “what could work”. I have never read anything on managing multiple children with issues. Please send help. And coffee. And a nanny.

Reply
Genie

Oh Christine! I really hope you get a break! I find the institution of school /schedules/ peer mentoring to be such a nightmare for mine. I wish I could just homeschool. But I can’t. Too bad we can’t just hook them up to a plow and work them till they’re exhausted, eh! Lol. I hope you find the resources and support you deserve.

Reply
Cathy

Let me help you! I am a therapist, and I have ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 49 and in my last semester of grad school. ADHD is a hellish nightmare. You feel as though you are constantly not in control of yourself, and you continually feel stupid because you cannot do anything everyone else seems to be able to do, like keep up with your library books or have a pencil handy.
People with ADHD live with a self image that is about one inch tall. I strongly recommend you put in to place the gratitude piece discussed in this article. With ADHD, “I am not doing that” can mean “I’m afraid to try because I have failed so much before”. Replacing positive thinking goes a long way to help that. Crying and yelling and tantrums come from being overwhelmed. Help your family break things down into smaller bite sized pieces. Instead of “clean your room”, break it down. Give them a list that says- put dirty clothes in hamper, make bed, put shoes in closet, etc. with frequent breaks in between. It will 100% take them longer to do it than if you did it yourself, but it will get done, and with a lot less commotion.

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Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.
When the world feel sunsettled, the ripple can reach the hearts, minds and spirits of kids and teens whether or not they are directly affected. As the important adult in the life of any child or teen, you have a profound capacity to give them what they need to steady their world again.

When their fears are really big, such as the death of a parent, being alone in the world, being separated from people they love, children might put this into something else. 

This can also happen because they can’t always articulate the fear. Emotional ‘experiences’ don’t lay in the brain as words, they lay down as images and sensory experiences. This is why smells and sounds can trigger anxiety, even if they aren’t connected to a scary experience. The ‘experiences’ also don’t need to be theirs. Hearing ‘about’ is enough.

The content of the fear might seem irrational but the feeling will be valid. Think of it as the feeling being the part that needs you. Their anxiety, sadness, anger (which happens to hold down other more vulnerable emotions) needs to be seen, held, contained and soothed, so they can feel safe again - and you have so much power to make that happen. 

‘I can see how worried you are. There are some big things happening in the world at the moment, but my darling, you are safe. I promise. You are so safe.’ 

If they have been through something big, the truth is that they have been through something frightening AND they are safe, ‘We’re going through some big things and it can be confusing and scary. We’ll get through this. It’s okay to feel scared or sad or angry. Whatever you feel is okay, and I’m here and I love you and we are safe. We can get through anything together.’
I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal. 

However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way. Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won't do this perfectly, because we can't always know what mountains they'll need to climb, or what dragons they'll need to slay. We won't always know what they’ll need, and we won't always be able to give it. We don't need to. But we'll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won't. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting. 

We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It's worth every second - every second - but it's tough. Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it.

Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren't perfect. Love isn't perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don't need to be perfect, and wont  need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us. Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let's not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️

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