4 Important Things Your Children Need to Hear

4 Important Things Your Children Need to Hear

As parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers, there is no more important of a job than raising the kids in our lives into successful adults. It would seem as if they are like little sponges, soaking up every bit of the environment around them. They will even pick up on things you didn’t realize they know about.  

Being an amazing role model can often be difficult at times. How we react during times of stress, like those times in a fit of road rage or when we accidentally drop something on our foot, is how they will often react to those things too. Sometimes, we’re not exactly sure what to say or how to discipline.

It’s not just our actions they take to heart, but how we talk to them and mold them. Our words have a bigger impact than you might even imagine. Children will often shape their view of themselves and the world around them by how they are treated by their parents. You hear stories of little kids desperate for their parent’s attention and if neglected, will often go about getting into trouble to ensure they get the attention they desire.

Yet, when you speak a message of hope to them and are honest, you can see a total difference in their eyes. If you also encourage them and help them grow, and not just constantly negative, it will have amazing results in how your kids see themselves. You’re essentially molding your child’s future a single word at a time. Groza Learning Center shares four things your child needs to hear:

#1: I’m Proud of You.

Who doesn’t like to hear that they’re doing a great job? Children might not have the responsibilities weighing them down like adults do, but they often work hard to accomplish goals put before them. If they consistently do their chores well without any arguments or regularly bring home good greats, there’s nothing wrong with saying you’re proud of them. This encouragement will keep them on the right track, where negative words and added pressure to ‘do better’ might discourage them.

#2: That’s a Good Choice.

Kids often love to be independent. They want to make their own choices, especially as they get older. The problem is, they can’t see the big picture. They don’t know why they can’t touch the stove until they get burned and realize actions have consequences. A lot of times, parents only punish kids when they do wrong, but fail to tell them when they made a good choice. You don’t have to celebrate every good decision they make, but acknowledging it helps them learn what’s right as much as punishment helps them learn what’s wrong.

#3: Have fun!

It seems as if this world forces our kids to grow up quicker and make more adult decisions before they’re ready. That’s unfortunate. They’re so busy being forced to act like adults that they forget how to have fun and be kids. A kid’s life should be full of fun times, wild imagination, and making memories that will last a lifetime. So make sure they know it’s okay to have fun.

#4: I’m Happy You’re Here!

It’s not rare for a child to question their place within the family unit, especially if they have many siblings. With bullying rampant in our schools and times becoming increasingly difficult, kids can begin to question who they are and whether or not they belong. This is especially true if their parents spend a lot of late nights working. They might not understand the whole financial situation and think work is more important than they are. So take the time to make sure they know how important they are to the you and to the family as a whole.

Our kids are precious. You will never do anything more important than to raise your kids to become upstanding citizens. It goes far beyond keeping them away from trouble, but you’re also in charge of how they feel about themselves. One wrong word can have devastating or healing effects.  


 About the Author: Scott Groza

Scott Groza has more than ten years experience teaching. Through both public and private school positions, he has seen how students can be overlooked, pushed aside, and virtually become invisible in the schools they are in.

In 2002, Scott and his wife founded The Groza Learning Center, located in California. It started as a vision from Scott and his wife to aid those students who were struggling in their academic endeavors. The center offers integrative learning experiences for all students in grades pre-K through college level through a holistic approach to learning that not only considers the requirements of local school boards for graduation, but also the individual needs of the students and their families. Each student is immersed in an environment where they feel welcomed, comforted and treated as the success story that they will become.

4 Comments

Jerilee

I wish I could send my 2 year old to this school. It sounds fabulous. Great job guys and lovely article really enjoyed it. Shall definitely quote.

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When things feel hard or the world feels big, children will be looking to their important adults for signs of safety. They will be asking, ‘Do you think I'm safe?' 'Do you think I can do this?' With everything in us, we have to send the message, ‘Yes! Yes love, this is hard and you are safe. You can do hard things.'

Even if we believe they are up to the challenge, it can be difficult to communicate this with absolute confidence. We love them, and when they're distressed, we're going to feel it. Inadvertently, we can align with their fear and send signals of danger, especially through nonverbals. 

What they need is for us to align with their 'brave' - that part of them that wants to do hard things and has the courage to do them. It might be small but it will be there. Like a muscle, courage strengthens with use - little by little, but the potential is always there.

First, let them feel you inside their world, not outside of it. This lets their anxious brain know that support is here - that you see what they see and you get it. This happens through validation. It doesn't mean you agree. It means that you see what they see, and feel what they feel. Meet the intensity of their emotion, so they can feel you with them. It can come off as insincere if your nonverbals are overly calm in the face of their distress. (Think a zen-like low, monotone voice and neutral face - both can be read as threat by an anxious brain). Try:

'This is big for you isn't it!' 
'It's awful having to do things you haven't done before. What you are feeling makes so much sense. I'd feel the same!

Once they really feel you there with them, then they can trust what comes next, which is your felt belief that they will be safe, and that they can do hard things. 

Even if things don't go to plan, you know they will cope. This can be hard, especially because it is so easy to 'catch' their anxiety. When it feels like anxiety is drawing you both in, take a moment, breathe, and ask, 'Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?' Let your answer guide you, because you know your young one was built for big, beautiful things. It's in them. Anxiety is part of their move towards brave, not the end of it.
Sometimes we all just need space to talk to someone who will listen without giving advice, or problem solving, or lecturing. Someone who will let us talk, and who can handle our experiences and words and feelings without having to smooth out the wrinkles or tidy the frayed edges. 

Our kids need this too, but as their important adults, it can be hard to hush without needing to fix things, or gather up their experience and bundle it into a learning that will grow them. We do this because we love them, but it can also mean that they choose not to let us in for the wrong reasons. 

We can’t help them if we don’t know what’s happening in their world, and entry will be on their terms - even more as they get older. As they grow, they won’t trust us with the big things if we don’t give them the opportunity to learn that we can handle the little things (which might feel seismic to them). They won’t let us in to their world unless we make it safe for them to.

When my own kids were small, we had a rule that when I picked them up from school they could tell me anything, and when we drove into the driveway, the conversation would be finished if they wanted it to be. They only put this rule into play a few times, but it was enough for them to learn that it was safe to talk about anything, and for me to hear what was happening in that part of their world that happened without me. My gosh though, there were times that the end of the conversation would be jarring and breathtaking and so unfinished for me, but every time they would come back when they were ready and we would finish the chat. As it turned out, I had to trust them as much as I wanted them to trust me. But that’s how parenting is really isn’t it.

Of course there will always be lessons in their experiences we will want to hear straight up, but we also need them to learn that we are safe to come to.  We need them to know that there isn’t anything about them or their life we can’t handle, and when the world feels hard or uncertain, it’s safe here. By building safety, we build our connection and influence. It’s just how it seems to work.♥️
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#parenting #parenthood #mindfulparenting
Words can be hard sometimes. The right words can be orbital and unconquerable and hard to grab hold of. Feelings though - they’ll always make themselves known, with or without the ‘why’. 

Kids and teens are no different to the rest of us. Their feelings can feel bigger than words - unfathomable and messy and too much to be lassoed into language. If we tap into our own experience, we can sometimes (not all the time) get an idea of what they might need. 

It’s completely understandable that new things or hard things (such as going back to school) might drive thoughts of falls and fails and missteps. When this happens, it’s not so much the hard thing or the new thing that drives avoidance, but thoughts of failing or not being good enough. The more meaningful the ‘thing’ is, the more this is likely to happen. If you can look behind the words, and through to the intention - to avoid failure more than the new or difficult experience, it can be easier to give them what they need. 

Often, ‘I can’t’ means, ‘What if I can’t?’ or, ‘Do you think I can?’, or, ‘Will you still think I’m brave, strong, and capable of I fail?’ They need to know that the outcome won’t make any difference at all to how much you adore them, and how capable and exceptional you think they are. By focusing on process, (the courage to give it a go), we clear the runway so they can feel safer to crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. 

It takes time to reach full flight in anything, but in the meantime the stumbling can make even the strongest of hearts feel vulnerable. The more we focus on process over outcome (their courage to try over the result), and who they are over what they do (their courage, tenacity, curiosity over the outcome), the safer they will feel to try new things or hard things. We know they can do hard things, and the beauty and expansion comes first in the willingness to try. 
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#parenting #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparent
Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.

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