Relationships: The 6 Reasons People Leave (And How to Avoid It Happening To Yours)

No two relationships are the same but the reasons people fall out of love often are.

Love would be so much easier if the line between ‘in love’ and ‘out of love’ was a heavy bold one clearly visible from the distance on a stormy day. It would also be helpful if the path that lead to that line came with warning signs the size of billboards, blaring sirens on approach and a guardrail the length of the Great Wall and the height of the Sydney Opera House. Yes. That would be nice.

No relationship is perfect, most have a make it or break it point and all are damn hard work.

Here are the most common reasons people fall out of love and ways to stop them getting in the way of a happy ending – or any ending at all. Even if the reason for someone leaving looks to be something else, it’s very likely that the falling away started because of one of these. 

  1. They don’t feel appreciated.

    The emotional resources of a relationship are like any other – they need to be spent and they need to be replenished. The things that mattered at the start still matter and they always will.

    It’s not enough to expect someone ‘just to know’ he or she loved. It misses the point. Being openly loving and appreciative is fuel for any relationship and makes an intimate relationship different to any other. 

    I’ve made this mistake myself – a few times. When my world has become too busy and hectic – kids, work, life – I’ve take the person I love for granted. Eventually, I’ve realised and have able to pull it back. Every time, my cue has been that feeling of missing him – but when he’s right beside me. I can see how easily it would be for a relationship to slide slowly and silently into the zone of housemates, or strangers.

    Relationships have a rhythm. They ebb and flow. Sometimes they’ll be at the top of the priority list and sometimes they’ll slip further down. The most important thing is not to let it stay down the list for too long and to be committed to looking after each other and the relationship when the connection starts to run low. There’ll always be enough time for whatever you decide to put as a priority.

    You deserve someone who thinks you’re wonderful. So does the person you’re with. Adore them. Appreciate them. Acknowledge them. 

    If one person is doing all the giving without getting anything back, eventually the well will run dry and so will the relationship. When one – and it only takes one – feels unimportant to the other, the emotional connection will wither – it’s just a matter of time.

    It’s easy to take each other for granted when life gets in the way but try these to keep the sparks sparking and the person you love close:

    • Notice the little things.
    • Say thank you, often.
    • Tell them they’re wonderful.
    • Acknowledge what you love, even if it’s just the way they look in a white t-shirt.
    • Listen with your eyes.
    • Make them a cup of tea. 
    • Say ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’ as though it’s good because of them.
    • Throw a ‘you’ on the end of ‘Hello’. It makes ‘Hello’ sound like you mean it.
    • Be affectionate.
    • Praise or compliment them in public.
    • Send a text: ‘Missed you today.’
    • Kiss slowly. And often.

    It makes a difference.

  2. There’s no emotional connection.

    The friendship has gone, or perhaps was never there.

    Studies have shown that the love and passion that comes with the initial boost of marriage wears off after two years, which is why the best relationships are the ones that have genuine friendship at their core.

    When the initial passion cools, a mature, loving, compassionate, relationship takes over. That’s not to say it won’t sizzle sometimes, but being able to connect emotionally is what sustains a long-lasting relationship.

    Here are some ways to fuel an emotional connection:

    • Talk regularly.
    • Call for the sake of it.
    • Ask about their day, and listen to the answer.
    • Notice when they’re upset.
    • Notice when they’re happy.
    • Listen when they talk.
    • Just because something doesn’t seem important to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t important to them.
    • Acknowledge what they are feeling.
    • Laugh. At yourselves and with each other.
    • Know what’s happening in their world. Don’t just assume that you do.
    • Be responsive: When the world is driving them crazy, be the soft place, velvety place for them to curl into.
    • Be vulnerable. Open up and let your partner be there for you too.
  3. Boredom. The relationship is in a rut it can’t get out of.

    It’s so easy (and when it’s busy, so tempting) to do the same things you’ve always done, but this could lead to a ‘rut’ and eventually drain the relationship.

    Nobody wants to feel like you’re with them out of habit, a beautiful habit though they may be.

    This is difficult if you have small children (or bigger ones – tell me about it!) but if you can just try someone a little out of the ordinary it will be worth it. Here are some ideas:

    • Surprise them with things they love – her favourite magazine, his favourite ice-cream.
    • Bring home her favourite bottle of wine and share it with her.
    • Bring him a DVD he loves and watch it with him.
    • Make dessert.
    • Hang out together, not just next to each other, but together.
    • Send an email asking him/her on a date with a list of restaurants (or take-away) to choose from.
    • Leave a note on the windscreen. Just because.


  4. They’ve lost their sense of self.

    Remember the person you fell in love with? What needs to happen to bring them back?

    It’s important that both people in the relationship have a healthy independence with their own friends, passions and interests.

    Hopefully one of their passions will be you, and one of yours will be them, but having something separate to each other is important to maintain a sense of self.

    You are both more than the relationship you’re in and though it’s probably the most important thing in your life, it’s perfectly okay for it not to be the only thing. You fell in love with them because of who they were, not because they were a version of you.

    Problems come when the balance between me and us is wrong – too much time pursuing separate lives can be as damaging as having no separation at all. Support them in pursuing what they love.

  5. Negativity has chipped away.

    Studies have shown that a healthy relationship:

    >>  needs 3 positive emotions to counter every negative emotion.

    >>  needs 5 positive verbal and emotional expressions to counter every negative expression.

    The bottom line is that it needs a lot of good to counter any bad.

    Negativity takes to trust and intimacy with a chainsaw and includes anything that feels bad – eye rolling, sarcasm, the silent treatment, insults, judgements, mocking, nastiness and emotional indifference. It turns a relationship from being one that feeds the people in it to one that starves them.

    The more positive energy there is in a relationship the more affectionate, close and fun it will be.

    Don’t judge and don’t criticise. Ever. That doesn’t mean you can’t speak your mind, just don’t be cruel about it.

  6. Loss of physical intimacy.

    Physical affection is more than sex and is what holds a relationship together.

    It includes any form of affectionate touch and can be as simple as touching his back as you walk past or playing with her hair while you watch TV.

    Research has found that non-sexual intimacy is key to long-term happiness in a relationship.

    Anything skin-to-skin releases the same bonding chemicals in your brain as sex.

    Research has found that humans have an innate ability to interpret emotional messages via touch alone. In a 2009 study, blindfolded people were able to correctly interpret eight distinct emotions (anger, fear disgust, love, gratitude, sympathy, happiness, sadness), solely through the touch of a stranger with 78% accuracy.

    Physical intimacy communicates trust and love and is what makes an intimate relationship different to every other relationship.

    Loss of physical intimacy can be a death knell and is often the first step towards a loss of emotional intimacy. It’s such a critical part of a relationship that when it’s gone, people will be tempted look for it somewhere else.

    Sex is an important part of any relationship, for at least one of you. It’s just another way to fuel the intimacy of your relationship and let the person you love know that they matter. Of course, if both partners agree, a relationship can also survive happily without sex but in these circumstances there will likely be another source of intimacy and affection.

    If physical intimacy is missing and you want to bring it back:

    • Start complimenting and noticing the little things – and let you partner know.
    • Let them know what you appreciate. This will start to bring back the emotional connection.
    • Try to touch at least ten times a day, but start small – touching incidentally (a brush when they walk past), then deliberately (holding hands, your hand on his knee, stroking). This can feel awkward and forced when there hasn’t been any physical contact for a while, but keep going anyway. The important thing is to start.
And finally …

Even the strongest relationships have their highs and lows. Being with someone means being attentive and being involved – this takes constant effort, but what a beautiful reward when it works.

Don’t be fooled by the fairy tales. Perhaps they all come with happy endings but the love you want is one with no ending at all. And that will always take more effort than the flourish of a magic wand.



Lack of good communication skills on both sides, and lack of transparency/authenticity/self-esteem. Those are pretty much what lead to all these other things listed here.


But what if there are multiple infidelities, verbal abuse and disrespect mixed with generosity and support? Then on my end, withdrawal, disdain and disrespect for his actions which make it hard to be affectionate even when he is nice. It’s a confusing, vicious cycle with both of us accusing the other for being the cause of our unhappiness. Is there such a thing as too much water under the bridge even though we’ve been together for 25 years and have 3 beautiful children?

Hey Sigmund

25 years is a long time and it sounds as though you have invested a lot into this relationship. In my opinion, it’s always possible for too much water to pass under the bridge, but you’re the only one who can decide if this is the case for you. An investment in a relationship doesn’t always mean the investment will be worth it and sadly, all the love and affection in the world doesn’t guarantee long term happiness.

Your happiness is so important. The question I always think is the one to ask yourself is, ‘Do I feel good more than I feel bad in this relationship?’ Think about this with an open heart. There is cycle that happens in a lot of relationships where tension mounts until it reaches breaking point, as which point something happens that causes a disconnect – there is a fight, an affair – something that causes a major disconnect. After that there is the honeymoon part of the cycle where you come back together. You reconnect. You hear regret and a commitment to work on the relationship and you hear love for you. This is great for a while (which is why it’s called the honeymoon) until the tension starts to mount again and off you go on another cycle. The problem with this cycle is that the good part of the cycle – the honeymoon part, however small – is enough to keep you in the relationship because you keep waiting for the day that the honeymoon doesn’t end. Generally, the time between cycles gets shorter and the cycles can become more volatile. Sometimes, even though you are together, it can feel as though the other person walked out the door a long time ago and stopped fighting for the relationship. In this case, it’s very hard to feel affection. It’s important to remember that you can’t fight to keep a relationship when one person has disengaged. You sound loyal and generous and committed and you deserve someone who knows what they have when they have you. Nobody can answer about your relationship except for you. If it’s worth the fight, keep fighting, but only you can answer that.


Dear Lisa. Verbal abuse, disrespect and multiple infidelities. Either you want these things in your life, or you don’t. I have been in a similar relationship. Like you say, it is very confusing when it is mixed with love and support. But the fact remains: there is verbal abuse, disprespect and multiple infidelities. And confusion is immensely energy consuming. What it comes down to is how much you value yourself and what you believe you are worth. And, of course, fear. Fear of never finding love again, fear of loss of security. I took me so many years to realize this for myself. The answer is, if all these negative aspects are there, it does not matter how many positive aspects are there. You should never accept being subject to any of the things you describe. You deserve better. You deserve so much better. Start by believing in that.


Just went back and read your comments again. I wanted to thank you for your kind, clear words and let you know that they were impactful. I feel like I’m on the right path, but as you articulate, it is fear that keeps me questioning if I did the right thing by divorcing my husband. Thanks again for reminding me that I do deserve so much better.


My husband and I been married 12 years.I am unhappy with our marriage.He is always negative and talked negative.Yesterday we got argument because the way I was acting (tired). I feel liked fall out of love.I am thinking about leaving (third marriage).

Hey Sigmund

12 years is a long time and it’s important to know that all relationships go through stages – sometimes they’re close, sometimes they move apart for a while. It must be very difficult living with someone negative though, and nobody can know what’s best for you better than you do. Here is some information about getting the spark back if you’re not quite ready to let go. This article is about finding the desire again and ways to recharge your relationship . I hope this helps.

Richard Watson

I have just come out of a 27 year relationship with one child all those things relate to me although there were other factors as well but it started going wrong somewhere. I believe i did all of the above but never received them back . After my wife left me for the forth time in four years i finally found the courage to end the marriage myself.To my complete amazement i met a wonderful women who loves the same as i love know i have all of the above 🙂

Hey Sigmund

When you let go of the things that are wrong for you, the things that are right for you can find you. It sounds as though you have somebody beautiful in your life who fills it with the love and light you deserve. I’m so pleased you had the courage to clear the way for her to find you.

Matthew Coast

Great job with this article. I agree! Especially with the loss of sense of self… always important to maintain a sense of self in a relationship.


I have been married 25 years off and on. I am 65 and he is 75. He has left 5 times-the longest was 5 years. Each time I have taken him back. There has been no infidelity. The entire marriage I have complained that I am always at the bottom of his list of priorities. The first five years he was an alcoholic. I wish treated as the second class citizen I’m still am. My mantra was: what about me? we have no children together. Recently he has admitted He Has Turned Me Out 4 25 years. He also admitted that my opinion has had no merit all those years. As he’s getting better that keeps the same behaviors.
My problem is never knew I never knew leaving was a choice for me. I grew up in the home where my mother was a quadriplegic c & could not leave so leaving never occurred to me.
Since his retirement in September I have been exposed to his Behaviour on a daily basis. We have no communication literally. He shows no empathy towards me but I have seen him exhibit it towards other people. This causes me a great deal of hurt and anguish which quickly turns to anger.

Then I become a maniac. Each time he exhibits
old behavior again, it opens the floodgates of emotions I have experienced for the past 25 years.
My goal is acceptance without resentments but I have not been able to get there.

I am FAR from perfect. I feel like the right thing to do is leave but I don’t want to be alone. I am his 5th wife. All of the other last a very short time except his last one-they bore a child together and she left him. Being a bit a narcissist, he never got over it. She-the ex- controlled our marriage for many years. When I objected to anything they conspired about, he said it was for the good of their daughter. This was not true. We attended the ex’s church, saw her family-they live in my town-and he treated his ex better than he treated me.

I am stuck. I need help. We are in counseling and it is not helping. Any suggestions?

Hey Sigmund

Joanna I can hear his this is hurting you. There is no magic solution here. There are two choices – to leave or to stay. The saddest thing is that changing him isn’t one of those choices. You have been with this man for a long time and he has shown you how he feels about you. That is no reflection on you and a very sad reflection on him.

What is your goal of counselling? If it is to see him change it is not surprising that it isn’t working. What is his goal for counselling? Is it to treat you better or to get you to change? This might be something to raise in your session. If his goal is to treat you better, what is he doing outside of counselling to support this? If the answer is nothing, or if his goal of counselling is to change you in ways that won’t work for you, (such as making you more tolerant or patient so he can keep treating you as he does) then perhaps you’d next move should be counselling to support you in moving on from this relationship. You deserve better than what you are getting, and with the right support you can move towards this.


My husband and I have been married for 12 years and is an amazing man. He is a super hard worker, he helps with chores, he is an amazing father. If a diaper ever needed to be changed and he saw it first he would just take care of it, even if we were in public. He is there for the girls at all of their events, even girl scouts he will volunteer to help. He has helped my aging parents many times. He accepts my quirks, my scathingly brilliant ideas, and things like glitter and crafts in the house or the occational rescued animal. He definitely shows his love of our family. I would go as far as saying that I would say that he may even adore us. I watch other families and the fathers seem to care more about making money, work, having their guy time away from their wives and kids or let their wives do all of the household and kid duties.
I know this, and I feel so blessed to have him in my life and yet here I am completely confused as to why I also feel so done. He has one of the most negative, trouble causing mother in the world, maybe universe. He has no ambition, even though he is ridiculously smart and strong. He is self deprecating and will tell you that he can’t do things. “I can’t go back to school for my masters, I will never be able to afford to.” “I can never build muscle” “I can never make up night time stories for the kids”. Trying to do things he deems as impossible makes him go flush in the face. He doesn’t like socializing, he has no interest in putting the effort into having his own friends. He is supposedly just fine with having just his family in his life. He is very inefficient and not proactive. Yet will be the first one on the scene when things go wrong and can be great at fixing them. It is all so confusing.
On special days he rarely does something. He doesn’t forget about birthdays or anniversaries, he may be the first to acknowledge it. But he will then tell you sorry and how he didn’t do anything. I mean, he apologizes right away and moves on. When he does get a gift every now and then he goes with material goods. Like a blender (I had said in the store that it was a good price and he bought one right there and then, then a week later on Christmas told me that was my gift.) Other times, especially when he really liked the gifts he received from me, I make get a gift for that holiday a week or two later. Then once in a blue moon he hits it out of the park and will be on time with something useful or with great meaning that makes your heart melt. This is like once every 2-3 years.
I’m not about just stuff, I really am the crazy ‘it’s the thought that counts kind of girl’ for our ‘tin’ anniversary I made him a tin hat with blinking lights. It was so funny! If I get him actual things I plan for it to get what he has been looking and wanting. I do ‘just because notes and goodies’ he seems to love them and I enjoy doing them for him as a way of saying, ‘thank you for being you’.
He will give me excuses ‘I didn’t have time to do anything’, ‘I am no good at giving gifts’, ‘you always say that I don’t have to buy you things’ (yes, no money needed to show you care) erg. I have explained that while i love all that he does and how great he is, this makes me feel hurt. That it makes me feel like he doesn’t care or that it is not important to him. He then pretty much tells me that I can come up with my own plan and give it to him. I tried that, it doesn’t feel right. His proposal went down exactly like I said was my dream proposal. Location, timing, even the ridiculously expensive ring I jokening pointed out saying ‘that is the one!’ Which is great right!? But why did it then feel like i practically proposed to myself?
Am I selfish? I know that he cares about us, I know that he loves me, I know that he looks after our kids and me. He does so much, yet I feel like he is just doing what he feels he signed up for as a husband. Anything above that is not needed nor important. That doing something like writing me a note or picking a flower for me or a midday message is just painful for him to do. Even if he knows that it is important to me. I feel like this makes me the horrible one, because I should probably just be happy with what I have. Yet, I am here, confused and still feeling lonely.

Hey Sigmund

It sounds like what you’re missing is romance! There is nothing wrong with wanting this. That closeness and affection is a very valid need. It may be difficult for your husband to understand this if his need for it isn’t as strong, or if it is a need that isn’t as hungry in him because it is being met by you. There is no easy fix for this, particularly if it is a part of who he is. As with anything in a relationship there is nothing like talking about it. I can hear it’s not about ‘stuff’ for you but about gestures and acts of love. Make sure when you talk to him about this that you also acknowledge the tings you also love about him. Appreciation sounds as though it is as important for him as romance is for you.


Hi I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for 10 yrs and in that time I have asked for romance, but it was just too hard for him. We’ve had Many talks about it as the intimacy was disappearing in our relationship. Along with those problems we have trouble communicating & I haven’t felt supported with our 2 kids for quite some time
My husband is a hard worker as well & has a kind heart. And like your husband he has very little self esteem. Has no get up & go. He relies on us souly. I have to pretty much organize for him to see his friends.
I have unfortunately fallen out of love with him & lost attraction over time & have lost any will to try to make it work. I feel there’s nothing left. What brought us together in the beginning is not there anymore & I feel I want more than he can offer me.


So this guy sounds a lot like me. Loves his kids, does everything he can, and wants to avoid conflict and other conflict theorists to live his life happily. You are missinterpretting his actions as weak and saying he has no ambition. Raising your beautiful children is the highest ambition anyone could ever have. He understands what is important in life, and you havent figured it out yet.


Sometimes one doesn’t know they are doing wrong. I am in the same situation but running away from the problem dont solve it. Both have to face the problem and work it out. If you feel like leave you shouldn’t you still have some love in you just let him know what you want and give it time. The kids will love both parent together. Work on your relationship every marriage have their problems.


I think your husband sounds very much like mine ( lack of friends, dedication to family)and I believe mine to be Autistic now. My husband just can’t do the emotional things that I need as a social human being but I also feel ungrateful as he is so committed to the family unit. It’s a tough one…


Wow, GBK and Tash, this sounds so much like my current situation and I am downright hurting. I want us to communicate but he refuse to and makes a lot of excuses. He makes it seem that all my concerns are unimportant and just too much drama. All I want is for us to reconnect and ignite our relationship. To have assurance that we still love each other because sometimes his actions and inactions show otherwise. I have been the sole breadwinner in our almost 11 years of marriage with 2 beautiful children and i just gave birth recently. I appreciate him I truly do. I try to be positive and look at the bright side but when we have an argument, he yells at me and throw personal attacks that are uncalled for, it hurts so much. Of course I would feel bad then he would blame me for everything and accuse me of being moody and difficult. I don’t feel I deserve any of it and now it has come to a point that I feel like he’s just using me because he has no stable income, if at all. I pray I do the right thing for the sake of my children.

Since he refuse to give time and attention to listen and talk without judging, leaving makes a whole lot of sense right now. It’s so hard to live with someone who has become a stranger.


What is the solution for my problem?
we are in dating(happily) for last two years, but suddenly he left me and back to his first love,she was married lady,after couples of month they’re break up for family issues. Currently he is single and still I need him but he keep avoiding me and also told me that “i can’t forget my first love so try to understand me”

What should I do now..?

Karen Young

He has made it very clear that you will never be his number one. There is a better relationship for you, but not with this man. It’s time to stop looking st how to get him back and to start adjusting to letting him go. There will come a time when you will be grateful you did.


Hi, please help me out.

I had this girlfriend soon after I graduated, I was still looking for a job when I bumped into her. She was interested in me initially but after a 2 months she told me she isnt sexually attracted to me. Later when I broke up she came back saying she was highly stressed when she told me that and she doesnt really mean it. We have had several fights in this long distance relationship. She comes back to the state every two months. Also she has her past which brings up saying she has lost confidence in relationships so she doesnt want me to take decisions specifically for her.
I am always stressed. This girl has once cheated on me in the past, 4 years ago. Its hard to trust her.
I also feel inferior because she always shows off her looks and hardly gives any compliment to me.
I feel emotionally drained too.


I have been in a marriage for eleven (11) years and the relationship for twenty-three (23) years. I am ten years his junior and I had two (2) children when we met. I wanted to get away from my current town because I felt like I was drowning. We moved to a completely different state together and I thought I was in love with this man. I had two (2) children by him and he helped me raise my two oldest children who went on to college and landed really good jobs. He became physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive for the next twelve (12) years. I was embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, and hurt for twelve (12) years. When we went around my family, I would always smile like everything was ok, knowing that it wasn’t. A few years ago, we had a huge fight and I was so tired and afraid, I called the police and took out a restraining order against him until he called and called apologizing. Needless to say, I took him back. I became enraged at myself, I became bitter, angry, and resentful; feelings that I have to this day. I moved out a couple of years ago but I still came back to this man. I thought I loved him but I knew I had no self-esteem to stay away. When I came back, I prayed and I prayed for strength and guidance. I have a good job and I have made the decision to leave for good. My children are all adults and I have so much anxiety being in the same house with this man even when he’s seemingly having a good day. I cannot get over the past and all I see when I look at him is an evil monster. I’m not sure how I got to this point in my life but just making the decision to leave brings me clarity. I knew the relationship was a mistake from day one but I stayed for my children.


Hi help me out.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years. We have a beautiful 3 years old daughter. We enjoyed life daily like any normal couple and family would do. She puts in a lot of effort to build and keep our marriage on track and i appreictae and acknowledge her hard work very much .

Just a week ago I took her out for a night out with friends and got pissed with one of my friends because he was continuously touching and tapping my wife which I disagreed to & I reacted under the influence of liquor hit him, my partner was standing on my side and with that anger and unintentionally I hit her too and she got a cut on her eye lid.

I regret my actions and the way I reacted and I’m very downhearted, saddened It was that unfortunate moment that jeopardized our marriage now and I lost and dont kniw what to do.

She took off with our daughter and is staying with her family . She published the bruise on her face on social media and I’m very downhearted at this time regretful of my reactions.

I begged her and texted her saying sorry to her , I also texted her parents apologizing of this unfortunate incident that happended.

I’m lost here now. I need divine intervention in my life. I don’t know what words to put together and say sorry & to seek her forgiveness .
Please help.


When both of you have wife(husband), not partner(partner is kind of person you have business with) maybe will be better for both of you.


Is it wrong for me to question why your wife allowed another man to continuously touch her in front of you? Seems the line was obviously crossed and she allowed it and then blamed you for reacting the way a man in love would have.


I think you should go and talk to her face to face..and let her know the reason behind your against action towards her.. tell her how possessive u got when some1 else touched her infront of u… And apololize to her… If she wants to be with u then c would b waiting for u to come and talk to her otherwise if c dont want to make things right and hve a beginning agn then u do anything, tat will not matter to her… as u know, the people who want to leave just want 1 reason to go away…


Hi, I have a girlfriend who is a workaholic, as in totally in to her work. We’ve only been together for a couple of months when she decided to go abroad for work, the only communication we have is thru messaging apps, she work 16 hours a day at most times, and rarely get a day off. We have some troubles about communication, and the only thing I was asking for her is a “good morning” when she wakes up, and “I’m head to work” when she’s going to leave the house, Also “I’m going to be late” when she’s having OT that is unexpected, so I know when to wait uplate, her OT takes until 7 in the morning sometimes. That was my only wish for her to do, but she miss that almost everyday, her reasons is just because she is going to be late at work so she missed to say good morning and head to work. Is it too much for her to ask what I was asking? It only takes couple of seconds to do that right? We are having some arguments about this, we talked already but still same shit happens.


I love my boyfriend deeply and wanted to take care of him to meet him but it feels like he avoid to meet with me and we had not meet for one year still I love him and express love for him but nothing happened! In the beginning of our relationship we love each other deeply and he also did care of me love me even we had very strong emotional bonding as well as physical intimacy in our relationship but now he suddenly leaves me by telling me that there is no future for us because we are different in caste.I don’t know what happened to him why he reacts like do I get him back? How do I convince him for meeting?


Dont b sad. U know what, i was in relation wid a guy from last 3 years.. he showed alot of care and love for me -even in our personal time as well as in public. But I dont knw what happened to him 4 months back, he started ignorning me.. i used to get angry with him, he even dint took a single initiative to talk to me and make things right again . I was shocked and disheartened tat the guy who cried first seeing me in pain, is also not ready to talk to me even in worse situation of our relation. Then at last I thought to threaten him saying tat i will do breakup so tat he again be the same as he was earlier, by having the fear of loosing me… but u know what, he agreed to this and dint even told me once-“yr! M sry. i cant leave widout u”. its a recent one.. i m feeling very low..but i want to tell u dont be sad and dont miss him coz he dint deserved u… its good tat ppl who are fake are gone from ur life… nd u knw wat as u said tat last m due to caste problem, he brokeup, i dont agree with this.. i beleive tat ppl who want to leave,they just need one topic to leave… be happy! nd also show him tat u r also happy widout him (through social media).. then he will regret.. and i know someday yours will also come as we say “har kutte ka din ata h”……… just remember, u r superb and he wasn’t worth u as well as your love………


Hi Priyanka . Thanks for taking the time and respond about your views. its great to see that you feel her pain . one suggestion : try and avoid writing derogatory and low remarks online .


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Anxiety has a way of demanding ALL of the attention. It shifts the focus to what feels scary, or too big, or impossible, or what needs to be avoided, or what feels bad, or what our kiddos can’t do. As the grown ups who love them, we know they are capable of greatness, even if that greatness is made up of lots of tiny steps, (as great things tend to be).
Physical activity is the natural end to the fight or flight response (which is where the physical feelings of an anxiety attack come from). Walking will help to burn the adrenalin and neurochemicals that have surged the body to prepare it for flight or fight, and which are causing the physical symptoms (racy heart, feeling sick, sweaty, short breaths, dry mouth, trembly or tense in the limbs etc). As well as this, the rhythm of walking will help to calm their anxious amygdala. Brains love rhythm, and walking is a way to give them this. 
Try to help your young one access their steady breaths while walking, but it is very likely that they will only be able to do this if they’ve practised outside of an anxiety attack. During anxiety, the brain is too busy to try anything unfamiliar. Practising will help to create neural pathways that will make breathing an easier, more accessible response during anxiety. If they aren't able to access strong steady breaths, you might need to do it for them. This will be just as powerful - in the same way they can catch your anxiety, they will also be able to catch your calm. When you are able to assume a strong, calm, steady presence, this will clear the way for your brave ones to do the same.
The more your young one is able to verbalise what their anxiety feels like, the more capacity they will have to identify it, acknowledge it and act more deliberately in response to it. With this level of self-awareness comes an increased ability to manage the feeling when it happens, and less likelihood that the anxiety will hijack their behaviour. 

Now - let’s give their awareness some muscle. If they are experts at what their anxiety feels like, they are also experts at what it takes to be brave. They’ve felt anxiety and they’ve moved through it, maybe not every time - none of us do it every time - maybe not even most times, but enough times to know what it takes and how it feels when they do. Maybe it was that time they walked into school when everything in them was wanting to walk away. Maybe that time they went in for goal, or down the water slide, or did the presentation in front of the class. Maybe that time they spoke their own order at the restaurant, or did the driving test, or told you there would be alcohol at the party. Those times matter, because they show them they can move through anxiety towards brave. They might also taken for granted by your young one, or written off as not counting as brave - but they do count. They count for everything. They are evidence that they can do hard things, even when those things feel bigger than them. 

So let’s expand those times with them and for them. Let’s expand the wisdom that comes with that, and bring their brave into the light as well. ‘What helped you do that?’ ‘What was it like when you did?’ ‘I know everything in you wanted to walk away, but you didn’t. Being brave isn’t about doing things easily. It’s about doing those hard things even when they feel bigger than us. I see you doing that all the time. It doesn’t matter that you don’t do them every time -none of us are brave every time- but you have so much courage in you my love, even when anxiety is making you feel otherwise.’

Let them also know that you feel like this too sometimes. It will help them see that anxiety happens to all of us, and that even though it tells a deficiency story, it is just a story and one they can change the ending of.
During adolescence, our teens are more likely to pay attention to the positives of a situation over the negatives. This can be a great thing. The courage that comes from this will help them try new things, explore their independence, and learn the things they need to learn to be happy, healthy adults. But it can also land them in bucketloads of trouble. 

Here’s the thing. Our teens don’t want to do the wrong thing and they don’t want to go behind our backs, but they also don’t want to be controlled by us, or have any sense that we might be stifling their way towards independence. The cold truth of it all is that if they want something badly enough, and if they feel as though we are intruding or that we are making arbitrary decisions just because we can, or that we don’t get how important something is to them, they have the will, the smarts and the means to do it with or without or approval. 

So what do we do? Of course we don’t want to say ‘yes’ to everything, so our job becomes one of influence over control. To keep them as safe as we can, rather than saying ‘no’ (which they might ignore anyway) we want to engage their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) so they can be more considered in their decision making. 

Our teens are very capable of making good decisions, but because the rational, logical, thinking prefrontal cortex won’t be fully online until their 20s (closer to 30 in boys), we need to wake it up and bring it to the decision party whenever we can. 

Do this by first softening the landing:
‘I can see how important this is for you. You really want to be with your friends. I absolutely get that.’
Then, gently bring that thinking brain to the table:
‘It sounds as though there’s so much to love in this for you. I don’t want to get in your way but I need to know you’ve thought about the risks and planned for them. What are some things that could go wrong?’
Then, we really make the prefrontal cortex kick up a gear by engaging its problem solving capacities:
‘What’s the plan if that happens.’
Remember, during adolescence we switch from managers to consultants. Assume a leadership presence, but in a way that is warm, loving, and collaborative.♥️
Big feelings and big behaviour are a call for us to come closer. They won’t always feel like that, but they are. Not ‘closer’ in an intrusive ‘I need you to stop this’ way, but closer in a ‘I’ve got you, I can handle all of you’ kind of way - no judgement, no need for you to be different - I’m just going to make space for this feeling to find its way through. 

Our kids and teens are no different to us. When we have feelings that fill us to overloaded, the last thing we need is someone telling us that it’s not the way to behave, or to calm down, or that we’re unbearable when we’re like this. Nup. What we need, and what they need, is a safe place to find our out breath, to let the energy connected to that feeling move through us and out of us so we can rest. 
But how? First, don’t take big feelings personally. They aren’t a reflection on you, your parenting, or your child. Big feelings have wisdom contained in them about what’s needed more, or less, or what feels intolerable right now. Sometimes it might be as basic as a sleep or food. Maybe more power, influence, independence, or connection with you. Maybe there’s too much stress and it’s hitting their ceiling and ricocheting off their edges. Like all wisdom, it doesn’t always find a gentle way through. That’s okay, that will come. Our kids can’t learn to manage big feelings, or respect the wisdom embodied in those big feelings if they don’t have experience with big feelings. 
We also need to make sure we are responding to them in the moment, not a fear or an inherited ‘should’ of our own. These are the messages we swallowed whole at some point - ‘happy kids should never get sad or angry’, ‘kids should always behave,’ ‘I should be able to protect my kids from feeling bad,’ ‘big feelings are bad feelings’, ‘bad behaviour means bad kids, which means bad parents.’ All these shoulds are feisty show ponies that assume more ‘rightness’ than they deserve. They are usually historic, and when we really examine them, they’re also irrelevant.
Finally, try not to let the symptoms of big feelings disrupt the connection. Then, when calm comes, we will have the influence we need for the conversations that matter.

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