A Real Conversation – or Falling in Love – in 36 Questions or Less

A conversation and falling in love. Sometimes they start same. Small talk is fine to a point, but there’s one thing that sparks a connection more than any another – mutual vulnerability, powered by self-disclosure. This is where the real magic happens. 

A number of studies have shown that to move a conversation from the surface to a little bit more, mutual vulnerability is key. This calls for conversation that’s a little bit bolder and a little bit braver, but they are always the conversations that are exquisite to be a part of. 

Nobody is suggesting that hearts and souls be put on the line in the name of intoxicating conversation, but intelligent, interesting conversation, with a little bit more of someone brave enough to go there, is impossible to walk away from. It’s charming, fascinating, energetic and so are the people involved. At least that’s how they will be seen and remembered. 

There is an abundance of research that has looked at the way people develop intimacy. 

Professor of Psychology Arthur Aron, has done extensive work in the area. According to his research, intimacy is critical to a relationship because it not only grows the relationship, but also the people in it. 

When two people begin a relationship, each begins to ‘include the other in the self’. By opening up to another person’s beliefs, feelings, ideology, resources and personality, the unique parts of another is added to the already defined parts of the self, and the self expands. 

The process of self-expansion typically happens through time spent together, sharing activities, ideas and interests. 

The more two people share in a novel and challenging activity, the greater the feeling of closeness. Conversation – the right conversation – can be as novel and challenging as anything.

The keys to establishing a real connection. 

A key feature in the development of close relationships is dropping the defensive guard. As explained by Professor Aron and colleagues,

‘One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.’

Self-disclosure facilitates a number of important aspects that have been established as important to building intimacy:

  • It communicates vulnerability. When the defensive shell is dropped, the extraordinary happens. It’s just the way it is.
  • It extends kindness and warmth – two qualities that have been consistently reported by people as the qualities that attracted them to someone. 
  • It has at its core an assumption that the other person will be accepting. This is an important one. Expecting that people will like you (with humility, not arrogance) will in itself generate warmth and openness. If you don’t actually feel it, fake it. Acting as though you assume you will be accepted and liked will ensure you come across as warm, open, interested and interesting. Don’t go too far though – nobody likes arrogance – but if you’re faking it, there’s no chance of that.

In a fascinating study, Professor Aron attempted to escalate the intimacy between strangers. He paired participants and gave each couple a series of 36 questions to discuss, designed to facilitate self-disclosure. The questions escalated in intensity, based on the finding that one of the keys to establishing a close relationships is self-disclosure that is sustained, escalating and mutual. 

Results revealed that participants rated their relationship with their partners of less than an hour to be about as close as the average relationship in their lives and in other people’s lives.

The effects of the 45 minutes self-disclosure activity (involving the questions below) lasted beyond the study, with many participants maintaining some sort of  relationship with the person they had been paired up in the study. That there was a carry over that lasted beyond the study indicates the power of self-disclosure.

The self-disclosure questions create the spark and ground to build on. The key elements of a successful relationship – loyalty, commitment, dependability, come with subsequent work and mutual effort to progress the relationship.

36 Questions that Will Spark a A Real Connection

Now to the best part. Here is the list of questions developed by Professor Aron and colleagues to accelerate intimacy between strangers. They’re fascinating, interesting and communicate a curiosity that would feel quite extraordinary to be on the other side of – and difficult to walk away from. And isn’t this where every ‘something wonderful’ starts?

Try them out with someone you’re already a fan of, or somebody you might like to be a fan of you. 

They escalate in intensity of self-disclosure but you don’t have to start at the start. Where you begin will depend on the context of your relationship and the conversation you’re having, so start wherever feels right.

Remember it’s not an interview, so don’t keep charging out questions one after the other. You want to come across as interested, interesting and charming – not robotic and intense. Or weird.

They’re just ideas and the disclosure has to be mutual. Start by being interested enough (and perhaps brave enough) to ask the questions, then be open enough, warm enough and engaged enough to share your own response. Above all else, have fun with it. 

Just a quick note: In the following question, ‘partner’ means to the person you are talking to.

Ready? Here we go …

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  16. What do you value most in a friendship?
  17. What is your most treasured memory?
  18. What is your most terrible memory?
  19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  20. What does friendship mean to you?
  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  22. Share something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. (In the study, partners were asked to take turns with this, sharing a total of five items they considered a positive characteristic of each other.)
  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
  25. Make three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, ‘We are both in this room feeling …’
  26. Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ‘
  27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, what would be important for him or her to know.
  28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Humans are wired to connect. The need is a primal one. Picking up on this pulse in another person is the way to move to something bigger. Have the conversation with a sense of fun in mind and you’ll come across as warm, open, curious, bold and charming. You won’t be able to help it. 

2 Comments

Adam G

My wife and I have been thinking about enhancing our relationship so that it is more fun. Thanks for your tips about how we should try to be more vulnerable, kind, and warm with each other. Being able to communicate more effectively in every aspect of our relationship could help us treat each other better.

Reply
Laurel Von Syda

Wonderful and the truth. Being real involves exposing ourselves and reciprocal vulnerability.
I loved the advice of sharing with the thought of being accepted.
Anything less is false and will never
evolve beyond superficial.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.
Some days are great days. We want to squeeze every delicious moment out of them and keep them forever somewhere safe and reachable where our loved days and precious things are kept. Then there are days that are truly awful - the days we want to fold in half, and then in half again and again and again until those days are too small to hurt us any more. But days are like that aren’t they. For better or worse they will come and they will go. Sometimes the effects of them will stay – the glow, the growth, the joy, the bruises – long after those days have gone. And despite what I know to be true - that these are the days that will make us braver, stronger, kinder and wiser, sometimes I don’t feel any of that for a while. I just see the stretch marks. But that’s the way life is, isn’t it. It can be hard and beautiful all in sequence and all at once.
⁣
One of the tough things about being human is that to live wholeheartedly means to open ourselves to both - the parts that are plump with happiness, and the parts that hurt. We don’t have to choose which one can stay. They can exist together. Not always in equal measure, and not always enough of the beautiful to make the awful feel tolerable, or to give it permission to be, but they can exist together - love through loss, hope through heartache. The big memory-making times that fatten life to full enough, and the ones that come with breakage or loss. The loss matters and the joy matters. The existence of either doesn't make the other matter any less. 
⁣
What I also know to be true is that eventually, the space taken up by loss or heartache changes space for enough of the beautiful to exist with it. This is when we can start to move with. Sadness still, perhaps, but with hope, with courage, with strength and softness, with openness to what comes next. Because living bravely and wholeheartedly doesn't mean getting over loss or denying the feelings that take our breath away sometimes. It means honouring both, and in time, moving with.♥️
We all need to know that we can have an influence on the world around us when we need to. This need might become bigger when the world feels more wobbly and unpredictable. The brain craves familiarity and predictability, and when it doesn't get it, it can go looking for control of anything, anywhere, any time. This isn't always convenient - often it isn't - but it can happen in all of us from time time.
⁣
If the littles (and bigs) in your life seem to be trying to control too many of things that aren't theirs to control, they might be feeling a gaping hole in their capacity to control the things that they can usually count on. If you get a sense that this might be happening, whenever you can (and you won't always be able to), give them space to rest in your calm, strong, loving presence. It's the most certain way to bring them in from the storm.
⁣
They might want to talk. They might not. What's important in those moments is that they feel noticed, heard and seen. 'It's been a big day hasn't it. Would you like me to sit with you for a bit?' If you can, try to see behind them to the need that might be driving their behaviour. Their behaviour might be terrible, but the need driving it will be a valid one - the need for power and influence, safety, comfort, attention, sleep, food, space. We can all tilt towards ogre-ish behaviour when we're not getting what we need, especially when our resources are too depleted for us to gather up enough 'nice' to deal with it and stay adorable while we do.
⁣
In those moments, what we need most of all (especially if the need is an 'unmeetable' one) is for our people to come closer. This might not always be a physical closeness - sometimes we just want space - but 'closer' in the sense of, ‘I see you love, and I'm here'. It's lovely, and when we're acting like a week-long temper on legs, it's just the thing to bring us back to ourselves. Our kiddos are no different. When the world feels unpredictable, and they're trying to manage that by managing everything else, whenever you can, make the space beside you bigger, and let them feel the certainty of that.
⁣
 #positiveparenting #anxietyinchildren #parenting #mindfulparenting
Today was an ending and a beginning. My darling girl finished year 12. The final year at school is tough enough, but this year was seismic. Our teens have moved through this year with the most outstanding courage and grace and strength, and now it is time for them to rest and play. My gosh they deserve it. 

It is true that this is a time of celebration, but it can also be an intense time of self-reflection for our teens. (I can remember the same feelings when my gorgeous boy finished so many years ago!) My daughter has described it as, ‘I feel as though I’ve outgrown myself but my new self isn’t ready yet.’ This just makes so much sense. 

There is a beautifully fertile void that is waiting for whatever comes next for each of them, but that void is still a void. At different times it might feel exciting, overwhelming, or brutal in its emptiness.

We also have to remember that this is a time of letting go, and there might be grief that comes with that. Before they can grab on to their next big adventure, they have to let go of the guard rails. This means gently adjusting their hold on the world they have known for the last 12+ years, with its places and routines and people that have felt like home on so many days. There will be redirects and shiftings, and through it all the things that need to stay will stay, and the things that need to adjust will adjust. 

To my darling girl, your loved incredible friends, and the teens who make our world what it is - you are the beautiful  thinkers, the big feelers, the creators, the change makers, and the ones who will craft and grow a better world. However you might feel now, the lights are waiting to shine for you and because of you. The world beyond school is opening its arms to you. That opening might happen quickly, or gently, or smoothly or chaotically, but it will happen. This world needs every one of you - your voices, your spirits, your fire, your softness, your strength and your power. You are world-ready, and we are so glad you are here xxx
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: API requests are being delayed. New posts will not be retrieved for at least 5 minutes.

Pin It on Pinterest