A Real Conversation – or Falling in Love – in 36 Questions or Less

A conversation and falling in love. Sometimes they start same. Small talk is fine to a point, but there’s one thing that sparks a connection more than any another – mutual vulnerability, powered by self-disclosure. This is where the real magic happens. 

A number of studies have shown that to move a conversation from the surface to a little bit more, mutual vulnerability is key. This calls for conversation that’s a little bit bolder and a little bit braver, but they are always the conversations that are exquisite to be a part of. 

Nobody is suggesting that hearts and souls be put on the line in the name of intoxicating conversation, but intelligent, interesting conversation, with a little bit more of someone brave enough to go there, is impossible to walk away from. It’s charming, fascinating, energetic and so are the people involved. At least that’s how they will be seen and remembered. 

There is an abundance of research that has looked at the way people develop intimacy. 

Professor of Psychology Arthur Aron, has done extensive work in the area. According to his research, intimacy is critical to a relationship because it not only grows the relationship, but also the people in it. 

When two people begin a relationship, each begins to ‘include the other in the self’. By opening up to another person’s beliefs, feelings, ideology, resources and personality, the unique parts of another is added to the already defined parts of the self, and the self expands. 

The process of self-expansion typically happens through time spent together, sharing activities, ideas and interests. 

The more two people share in a novel and challenging activity, the greater the feeling of closeness. Conversation – the right conversation – can be as novel and challenging as anything.

The keys to establishing a real connection. 

A key feature in the development of close relationships is dropping the defensive guard. As explained by Professor Aron and colleagues,

‘One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.’

Self-disclosure facilitates a number of important aspects that have been established as important to building intimacy:

  • It communicates vulnerability. When the defensive shell is dropped, the extraordinary happens. It’s just the way it is.
  • It extends kindness and warmth – two qualities that have been consistently reported by people as the qualities that attracted them to someone. 
  • It has at its core an assumption that the other person will be accepting. This is an important one. Expecting that people will like you (with humility, not arrogance) will in itself generate warmth and openness. If you don’t actually feel it, fake it. Acting as though you assume you will be accepted and liked will ensure you come across as warm, open, interested and interesting. Don’t go too far though – nobody likes arrogance – but if you’re faking it, there’s no chance of that.

In a fascinating study, Professor Aron attempted to escalate the intimacy between strangers. He paired participants and gave each couple a series of 36 questions to discuss, designed to facilitate self-disclosure. The questions escalated in intensity, based on the finding that one of the keys to establishing a close relationships is self-disclosure that is sustained, escalating and mutual. 

Results revealed that participants rated their relationship with their partners of less than an hour to be about as close as the average relationship in their lives and in other people’s lives.

The effects of the 45 minutes self-disclosure activity (involving the questions below) lasted beyond the study, with many participants maintaining some sort of  relationship with the person they had been paired up in the study. That there was a carry over that lasted beyond the study indicates the power of self-disclosure.

The self-disclosure questions create the spark and ground to build on. The key elements of a successful relationship – loyalty, commitment, dependability, come with subsequent work and mutual effort to progress the relationship.

36 Questions that Will Spark a A Real Connection

Now to the best part. Here is the list of questions developed by Professor Aron and colleagues to accelerate intimacy between strangers. They’re fascinating, interesting and communicate a curiosity that would feel quite extraordinary to be on the other side of – and difficult to walk away from. And isn’t this where every ‘something wonderful’ starts?

Try them out with someone you’re already a fan of, or somebody you might like to be a fan of you. 

They escalate in intensity of self-disclosure but you don’t have to start at the start. Where you begin will depend on the context of your relationship and the conversation you’re having, so start wherever feels right.

Remember it’s not an interview, so don’t keep charging out questions one after the other. You want to come across as interested, interesting and charming – not robotic and intense. Or weird.

They’re just ideas and the disclosure has to be mutual. Start by being interested enough (and perhaps brave enough) to ask the questions, then be open enough, warm enough and engaged enough to share your own response. Above all else, have fun with it. 

Just a quick note: In the following question, ‘partner’ means to the person you are talking to.

Ready? Here we go …

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  16. What do you value most in a friendship?
  17. What is your most treasured memory?
  18. What is your most terrible memory?
  19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  20. What does friendship mean to you?
  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  22. Share something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. (In the study, partners were asked to take turns with this, sharing a total of five items they considered a positive characteristic of each other.)
  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
  25. Make three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, ‘We are both in this room feeling …’
  26. Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ‘
  27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, what would be important for him or her to know.
  28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Humans are wired to connect. The need is a primal one. Picking up on this pulse in another person is the way to move to something bigger. Have the conversation with a sense of fun in mind and you’ll come across as warm, open, curious, bold and charming. You won’t be able to help it. 

2 Comments

Adam G

My wife and I have been thinking about enhancing our relationship so that it is more fun. Thanks for your tips about how we should try to be more vulnerable, kind, and warm with each other. Being able to communicate more effectively in every aspect of our relationship could help us treat each other better.

Reply
Laurel Von Syda

Wonderful and the truth. Being real involves exposing ourselves and reciprocal vulnerability.
I loved the advice of sharing with the thought of being accepted.
Anything less is false and will never
evolve beyond superficial.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
.
.
.
#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
.
.
#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This