Anxiety and Relationships: How to Stop it Stealing the Magic

Anxiety and Intimate Relationships How to Stop Anxiety From Stealing the Magic

Intimate relationships are a mirror, reflecting the best and the worst of all of us. They can inflame our struggles or soothe them. When they’re right, they can feel like magic. Even when they’re completely right, anxiety can steal the magic and loosen the connection between two people who belong together. All relationships require trust, tenderness, patience and vulnerability. People with anxiety often have these by the truckload and will give them generously to the relationship. The problem is that anxiety can sometimes just as quickly erode them. 

If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety, there are plenty of things about you that would make loving you easy. All relationships struggle sometimes and when anxiety is at play, the struggles can be quite specific – very normal, and specific.

Anxiety can work in curious ways, and it will impact different relationships differently, so not all of the following will be relevant for every relationship. Here are some ways to strengthen your relationship and protect it from the impact of anxiety: 

  1. Top up the emotional resources.

    You’re probably super sensitive to the needs of others and give openly and abundantly to your relationship. Sometimes though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just as quickly as you invest them. This is completely okay – there is plenty of good that comes with loving you to make up for this – but it may mean that you have to keep making sure those resources are topped up. Whenever you can, heap your partner with attention, gratitude, affection, touch – lots of touch – and conversation around him or her.

  2. Let your partner see you as a support too.

    Your partner might feel reluctant to ‘burden’ you with worries, particularly if those worries don’t seem as big as the ones you’re struggling with. People with anxiety have so much strength – it’s impossible to live with anxiety without it – so make sure your partner knows that it doesn’t matter how big or small their struggles are, you can be the supportive one sometimes too. The tendency can be for partners of anxious people to dismiss their own worries, but this might mean that they do themselves out of the opportunity to feel nurtured and supported by you – which would be a huge loss for both of you. Be deliberate in being the rock sometimes too. Ask, hold, touch. There’s nothing more healing than the warmth of the person you love.

  3. Let your partner in on what you’re thinking.

    Anxious thoughts are supremely personal, but let your partner in on them. It’s an important part of intimacy. You will often be thinking about what you need to do to feel safe, what feels bad for you and what could go wrong. You will also have an enormous capacity to think of other people – anxious people do – but make sure that you let you partner in on the thoughts that arrest you. Keeping things too much to yourself has a way of widening the distance between two people. 

  4. Asking for reassurance is absolutely okay – but just not too much.

    Anxiety has a way of creeping into everything. When it’s left unchecked, it can make you doubt the things that don’t deserve to be doubted – such as your relationship. It’s completely okay and very normal to ask your partner for reassurance. Too much though and it could be felt as neediness. Neediness is the enemy of desire and over time can smother the spark. Make sure your partner has the opportunity to love you spontaneously, without prompting – it’s lovely for them and even better for you. 

  5. Be vulnerable.

    Anxiety can effect relationships in different ways. In some people, it might stoke the need for constant reassurance. In others, it can cause them to hold back, to lessen their vulnerability to possible heartache. Vulnerability – being open to another – is beautiful and it’s the essence of successful, healthy relationships. The problem with protecting yourself too much is that it can invite the very rejection you’re trying to protect against. Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, untamed parts of you – the parts that are often beautiful, sometimes baffling, and always okay with the person who loves you. It’s understandable to worry about what might happen if someone has open access to these parts of you, but see those worries for what they are – worries, not realities – and trust that whatever happens when you open yourself up to loving and being loved, you’ll be okay. Because you will be.

  6. Be careful of projecting anxiety onto your relationship.

    Anxiety can be triggered by nothing in particular – that’s one of the awful things about it – so it will look for a target, an anchor to hold it still and make it make sense. If you’re in an intimate relationship, that’s where the bullseye will sit, drawing your anxiety into its gravitational pull. This can raise feelings of doubt, jealousy, suspicion and insecurity. Anxiety can be a rogue like that. That doesn’t mean your relationship deserves your anxiety – most likely it doesn’t – but your relationship is important, relevant and often in your thoughts, making it a lavishly easy target. Remind yourself that just because you’re worried, that doesn’t mean there’s anything to worry about. Worry if you have to, but then see it for what it is – anxiety, not truth. You are loved and you have anxiety and you are okay. Let that be the truth that holds you. 

  1. Analysis leads to paralysis.

    There’s a saying – ‘Analysis leads to paralysis,’ – because it does. ‘Is it love? Or lust? Or am I kidding myself? What if my heart gets broken into tiny jagged pieces? How will it ever work if we don’t like the same music/ books/ food/ movies? What if we book the holiday and the airline goes on strike? What if one of us gets sick? What if both of us get sick? What if we can’t get a refund? Or pay the mortgage? What if he gets sick of me?’ Yep. I know you know how it sounds. What you focus on is what becomes important, so if you focus on the possible problems they’ll absorb your energy until they’re big enough to cause trouble on their own. They’ll drain your energy, your sense of fun and your capacity to move. You probably already know this, but what to do about it. Here’s something to try … Set a time frame in which you can act as though things will be fine. So for example, worry from 10-3 each day and after that, breathe, let go and act as though things will be fine. You don’t have to believe it – just ‘act as though’. You’ll have another chance tomorrow to worry if you need to. Be guided by the evidence, not the worries that haunt you at 2am. 

    [irp posts=”1100″ name=”The Things I’ve Learned About Anxiety – That Only People With Anxiety Could Teach Me”]


  2. Come closer. No. Go away.

    When you focus on every detail, things will get wobbly. You might focus on the things that aren’t right with your partner or your relationship, while at the same time looking for reassurance that your partner loves you and is committed. This can cause you to push your partner away, (‘You’ve disappointed me,”) then pull him or her close, (‘Tell me that you love me. You do love me, don’t you?’). Have a chat with your partner and if it is a familiar process, set up a safe way for your partner to point out when it’s happening. Agree on what that will look like. When it does happen, be careful not to hear it as a criticism – it’s not – it’s your partner asking for some stability with the way you love each other.

  1. The tough conversations can bring you closer.

    All relationships have to deal with tough stuff now and then but anxiety can make things more threatening and bigger than they are. The temptation might be to avoid talking about difficult issues with your partner, because of concerns about what it might do the relationship. Difficult issues don’t go away – they fester until they reach boiling point. Trust that your partner – and you – can cope with a hard discussion. Relationships are built on trust, and trusting that your relationship can power through difficult conversations is an important one.

  2. Let your partner in on what it’s like to be you.

    We humans are complex creatures and bringing someone in closer to you and your story – even if it is someone who has been with you for a while – is the lifeblood of intimacy. People change, stories change, and even in intimate relationships it’s easy to lose touch with the person who fall asleep next to at night-time. Let your partner in on what your anxiety is like for you. Talk about your thoughts, how anxiety is affecting you, your work, your relationship, your partner, and how grateful you are for the love and support. 

  3. Let your partner know what triggers you.

    Is there a particular situation that’s tends to set your anxiety alight? Crowds? Strangers? Difficulties of exit? Loud music in the car? Being late? Talk to your partner so that if you find yourself in the situation without warning, he or she will understand what’s happening for you.

  4. Be patient. The quick fix isn’t always the best.

    As a way to feel better and ease your anxiety, you might be tempted to press for a quick fix to a problem or issue within your relationship. You might become frustrated with your partner’s desire to wait or put off committing to a course of action, or their resistance to keep talking about the issue, but be open to the fact that your partner might see things differently, sometimes clearer. Breathe, talk, and don’t assume that your partner is taking time or pulling out of the conversation because of a lack of commitment or because the issue isn’t important enough. 

  1. Make sure you’re looking after yourself.

    Being in love is crazy good but it can take your attention away from looking after yourself and on to looking after your special person. We all tend to do this but for people with anxiety it can be particularly problematic because once you’re off-balance, the ripple can bring other things undone. Taking good care of yourself is so important. Eating well (a healthy diet rich in omega 3, low in processed carbs and sugars), as well as regular exercise and meditation will help to build your brain against anxiety. If looking after yourself feels selfish, think of it this way: it’s not really fair to expect your partner to support you through your anxiety if you’re not doing everything you can do to support yourself. Think of self-care as an investment in you, your relationship and your partner. Remember too that anything that’s good for anxiety is good for everyone, so talk to your partner about chasing a healthy lifestyle together – cooking, exercising and meditating together … nice.

    [irp posts=”974″ name=”When Someone You Love Has Anxiety”]


  2. Understand that your partner will need boundaries

    For the relationship to stay close, healthy and connected, boundaries built by your partner can be a great thing. Understand that boundaries aren’t your partner’s way of keeping you out, but as a way to self-protect from ‘catching’ your anxiety. You might be worried and need to talk about something over and over, but that’s not necessarily what will be good for you, your partner or your relationship. Your partner can love you and draw a bold heavy underline between the last time you discuss something and the next time you want to. Talking is healthy, but talking over and over and over about the same thing can be draining and create an issue where there isn’t one. Know that your partner loves you and that boundaries are important to nurture love and grow the relationship, not to push against it. Talk to your partner about what he or she needs to be able to feel okay in the face of your anxiety. Invite the boundaries – it will help to keep your connection strong and loving and will help your partner to feel as though he or she is able to preserve a sense of self without being absorbed by your worries. Worry is contagious so if your partner wants to draw a boundary (eventually) around your worry, let it happen – it will help to preserve the emotional resources of the relationship and will be good for both of you.

  3. Laugh together.

    This is so important! Laughter is a natural antidote to the stress and tension that comes with anxiety. Laughing together will tighten the connection between you and when there has been a stressful few days (weeks? months?) it will help you both to remember why you fell in love with each other. Anxiety has a way of making you forget that life wasn’t meant to be taken seriously all the time. If it’s been too long since your partner has seen the shape of your face when you laugh (which will be beautiful and probably one of the reasons he or she fell for you in the first place) find a reason – a funny movie, memories, YouTube … anything.

Falling in love is meant to be magical, but getting close to another person isn’t without it’s highs and lows at the best of times. From the ecstasy of realising that someone pretty wonderful is as moved by you as you are by them, to the agony of self-doubt and possible loss, to the security, richness and sometimes stillness of a deeper love, intimacy is a vehicle for every possible emotion. Anxiety does effect relationships, but by being open to its impact, and deliberate in responding to it, you can protect your relationship and make it one that’s strong, close and resilient.



I’ve had anxiety and depersonalisation disorder for 5 years. I was in a serious relationship when I got depersonalisation and anxiety, and that lead to us breaking up in the worst way. Since then, I’d dated people but could never commit. I’d end up freaking out, saying I couldn’t do this and then end things. I felt so much relief when I did that but eventually the hurt would come and I was so alone I just wanted someone to love me and more importantly for me to love them back without flipping out! 7 months ago I met my amazing, supportive, wonderful boyfriend and everything was like a dream. I’d never thought I could be so happy with someone. He knew my situation from the very beginning and being with him made me feel like I could ignore it all, I’d finally found someone who I didn’t freak out being with and I loved every part of him. About 3 months ago I had to leave university, which meant moving away from my boyfriend and back in with my parents. We were determined to make it work and knew that the love we had for eachother would get us through. We have plans to move in together in a few months, but since I left everything has gotten so much harder. I found all my old thoughts are back: “Do I really love him?” “Am I attracted to other people?” “Are we right for eachother?” “Is it best for me and him to just walk away?”. These thoughts are killing me, I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to not be with him, but it’s impossible to tell if Atleast some of these thoughts are valid amongst the anxiety-fuelled ones. I want to make it work but conversation has deteriorated, he’s upset about our relationship because I keep being so back and forth with my thoughts. We both want to do whatever it takes to stay together, but is moving in together too much? When I think about it I really want it, but I worry that it will only make things worse. What do I do? How do I separate the anxiety thoughts from the real ones?


i’ve been in a relationship ship for 3 months and my boyfriend is amazing, he is supportive, caring, funny, loving and he is always there for me during my panic/anxiety attacks. my best friend has been doubting me in this relationship and everytime i share good news with her she always doubts me which leads me to have a panic attack due to overthinking everything and myself and my relationship. sometimes i think it would be easier to break up with my boyfriend but everything in my body tells me not to and i don’t want to so why do i keep thinking about it? it’s starting to drain me and i’m emotionally exhausted. i just want to be happy again with my relationship. anything i can do to fix it?

The branch

It sounds a bit like best friend is a tid bit jealous. Or friend is correct on boyfriend being bad.


Thankyou for this article. My partner I’m uncovering after several awful episodes has severe anxiety. He is 43 and it has stopped him living a life he admits. He will not open up to or allow himself to be vulnerable, he worries about every single eventuality and can’t enjoy the moment with me. After a week of him worrying himself to exhaustion he sleeps the weekend away. There is no time for us to have fun, bond and enjoy one another. He uses alcohol as a coping strategy that makes him even More ill. I have suffered something chronic with how the anxiety he has treats me. We are in a loving relationship one minute then stress sets of the anxiety and it spirals out of control, he drinks more, shuts down and is angry and resentful towards me. Blames me and everyone else. It’s terrible being picked up and put down all the time. It hurts me deeply. He says he loves me and my son and how lucky he is and we were just about to close on a house. He pulled out this morning- i was distraught but he seemed relieved as anxiety won the show again. He was worried about things going wrong in the future etc etc not to mention the million other things he irrationally worries about every day. He can’t think rationally. It has frozen our relationship to the ground. He avoids telling me anything ( even the smallest of things) because he builds up this image in his head I’m going to go nuts. He has done it with some pretty big things to. He told me the day before he was going away for nearly a month on holiday. I was upset and felt taken the piss out of and hurt he couldn’t tell me sooner and I could have made plans to relax and take some time out for myself, whilst not running the house. I can’t stand the lying, not treating me like I matter and having courtesy to let me know he has booked a holiday. It would like to feel respected. He never gives me a chance and open up to see that I won’t react, appreciate the openness and forewarning. He never talks, just attacks, it’s scary when he is like that, one wrongly worded sentence from me and he will disappear, stonewall me. I have suggested couples anxiety counselling, I’m trying to help even in the devastation of losing the house I’m still trying. I trying to help but he also needs to help himself.


Hi everyone, I am sharing my story with hopes of relieving some of the tension in my relationship. I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember, often feeling trapped in my own thoughts. At first glance I appear to be a confident, successful 29 year old man, who takes care of himself. I have spent most of my life single and playing the field, though the few times that I did fall for someone, circumstances(often my anxiety) would end things abruptly, making it harder to believe that I could find someone to be happy and grow with. Fast forwarding to 6 months ago, after ending a short very dramatic, unhealthy, up and own yet fulfilling relationship at times. I had put myself back out there and met someone whom I thought was truly amazing. She was beginning to check all the boxes. We would text non stop, and even though I was sort of holding back due to previous experiences, I began to truly open myself to her, as far as my past and challenges. Things were going well although she did have a very busy schedule which made spending time together a challenge. In the span of 2 months we managed to see each other 3 times for dinners, and the third time including a very passionate kiss. As I had begun to open up to her more often, she would rarely provide any sort of follow up or security as to the feelings I was sharing with her. The anxiety I had not quite felt yet, began to erupt. One of my bigger mistakes was deleting the online profile from the site we had met on, only to make a new one weeks later, to see if she was still active, which she still was, it began to drive me crazy. I would text her every day during the week before work in the morning, wishing her a great day and from time to time adding a sweet thought. I began to worry she was holding back more and more. one day my morning text was left without reply for almost two days… I thought it was over, I left work mid day not being able to withstand my thoughts and emotions to go boating with my best friend and talk, and spent the following day with another girl to distract myself and move on. She then replied apologizing that she had been so busy, I felt so relieved and silly at the same time, little did I know my anxiety would soon be the dagger. We then had our third date at a fancy seafood restaurant, a 250$ tab which I paid without her knowing while she was in the restroom, and ended with the previously mentioned passionate kiss I had probably waited too long to make happen. Days after, seemingly having a hard time figuring out when we could get together again, and feeling as if I was losing her, not understanding how this could be after such a great night I had provided for her… I sent her a text saying I felt we lost our spark, heartbroken and could not bare waiting for her to tell me it was done. Hours later, we discussed the issues which had led to all this, her need to take things slow, and a couple of things that bothered her about me, although she had no intentions on giving up right away. I tried to see her again, bought her flowers a few days later and sent a picture of them to her asking if I could give them to her, she didn’t really want to. I decided I had done enough damage, and left her alone, although 2 months later sending her a picture of a mutual friend whom had had their baby, which she left unanswered.

This is where it gets interesting. Months go by, I go on dates, walking out on some, struggling to find any motivation to connect with anyone else as she is still on my mind. 4 months go by and one morning I am thinking of her, as it is the time when I used to text her good morning, I self talk and tell myself I need to stop this.. hours later I receive a message notification from her, and I floored. A mix between satisfaction and anger, how am I supposed to completely undo all my thoughts of moving on. The following day I replied to her and we began talking again, asked her if she would like to go out again and she said yes. It took us about 3-4 to manage to finally do so, as it was during Xmas and suddenly I was the busy one. We have had 3 dates since, 2 including passionate nights of kissing and holding each other in my hot tub, and yesterday I took her out to dinner for her upcoming birthday and got her the flowers I could not give her after my outburst.

I am not out of the woods yet, I have spent 4-5 days(not in a row) since our reconnect, anxious, angry and scared that another failure awaits me(us). I am working towards improving my situation away from her, to be more happy and overcome the challenges as they occur, and researching how to cope and eliminate my fear of the unknown. However I do believe there is hope and I can win against this awful part of me, Marry, have children, and a beautiful life with this woman of my dreams.
Hope this story helps you as much as it helped me putting it down, wish us all the best.



I am 44 and have lived with anxiety all my life. I have struggled constantly with relationships and interviews. During interviews I completely close off and always get a mental block and then give an answer that really isn’t what they’re looking for. As for relationships, i was in a long term relationship 10 years ago and through that I constantly pushed him away and always needed reassuring. Since it has ended i have been in several relationships all only lasting several weeks. During that several weeks I become very involved and gain strong feelings and then the anxiety sets in. Anxiety causes me to do everything that has been described above.

There was one relationship that didn’t work due do my anxiety. When it ended I became uncontrollable with fear, regret, rejection, lack of self worth to the point where I really couldn’t see a future believing that I would never be loved. It took several months of counselling, therapy and medication and now a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m a very up and down person on a daily basis.

I am learning to become more stable and also noticing my triggers. I have since met another guy that i knew 10 years ago. We had a very brief encounter years ago but then I didn’t see him for nearly 10 years in whicywe bumped into eah ither in the shop a fee times which brought us back together. However the situation is not the best, he is married with two young children and had left his ex wife because she cheated on him. I’m a very empathic person and was a good support to him. Our friendship grew and we became more. Giving more of myself was a major trigger in which I questioned almost everything like why he wouldn’t cuddle after sex or why he doesn’t love me etc. It has slowly ruined my relationship with him because i would text my fears and feelings to him a fee times which he would support. However there was one night I texted him out of the blue the night before he was away for a few weeks telling him I’m done with feeling like im being used to just make his ex jealous. He did reply that this was not the case. I sent him a couple of texts the next day saying that I freak out with relationships and he’s amazing and still want to be with him but hate doing this all the time. He hasn’t replied and it’s been nearly two weeks and I’m really trying to accept it’s over however the anxiety kicks in telling me if only i did this or if only i said this and how can i make it right now or should i make it right now or is it really over etc or was I really used. It’s totally messing my head again and I’m struggling again with self worth again.



Literally so inspiring reading all your’e comments.

So I am in a relationship with a guy who has wanted to be with me for years. Been together a year now and all off a sudden I have been punched in the gut with anxiety. He is brilliant!
I haven’t told him about my anxiety and I know I should because it’s starting to take it’s toll. I am more moody, being more distant and thinking ‘he doesn’t love me anymore’ because he doesn’t do a little gesture like he did when we first got together.

I’ve heard and read about anxiety but never thought I would get it. I am a confident girl but when I get in a relationship I am not the confident girl anymore and all I want to do is run away to save myself from getting hurt and for him to have a better life.


I suffered from anxiety the last semester of my senior year in high school. It was due to a bad break up. I then met 2 other guys. 1 who betrayed me just like my ex and the other who treats me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated. Things were going soo freaking good until recently. My anxiety has spiraled out of control. I began to just cry and panic and my anxiety made me think I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I get this feeling in my chest and stomach whenver I have those thoughts. Could that mean my thoughts are scaring me ? Could I just be scared of being in a truly happy relationship? I then asked to take a break to get my mind right and just cope with everything and I’m wondering if this was a great idea? I don’t want to lose him AT ALL , I love him to death , i for sure see a future with him and he made me stronger


I just hit 4 months with my boyfriend. It has been absolutely amazing, he gets me, my quirks, anxiety etc. All of a sudden the ugly head of anxiety has hit my feelings and fears of us, even though he has never given me a reason to feel that way. It’s absolutely terrible and I jsut need to get through it. This article brought a tear to my eye because it’s so spot on. Thank you!


So I suffer from anxiety disorder like some comments I have read. I have a boyfriend of whom I have been dating for a year. I recently shared with him my anxiety issues and I know sometimes that I drive him crazy. I am in need of constant reassurance even though he is always here for me. He is a state trooper so works a lot and whenever he does not text back, I get really anxious as well and start to think he does not care about me. But my anxiety goes a long way, it starts with school then personal issues then to my relationship. I am in constant fear of losing him because of the problems I cause our relationship due to my anxiety. What should I do? I know he sticks around because he obviously cares.


Hi my name is mia, I have just started back into a relationship with my girlfriend, I have had anxiety for my whole life and I’ve recently started smoking because of it, I can’t kiss her or anything cause of it, I just want to be the partner she was hoping for with cuddle, kissing and all, but I just cant , I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me to try overcome my relationship anxiety.


About two months ago I had a panic attack and the next day I started to have severe doubts about my feeling for my boyfriend. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I did a lot of research and talking with my boyfriend and discovered that this sort of anxiety was common. I went to the doctor and got a mild everyday anxiety medication and day by day I have gotten better and fallen in love with my boyfriend again. I know how it feels to feel that doubt, but you have to remember your feelings and talk to your partner about how your feeling. Just remind yourself every day that everything is ok and everything will be ok. Your feelings haven’t disappeared, anxiety plays tricks on your mind. You love your partner and you’ve always loved your partner.


Very insightful thanks. Wish I had researched earlier.
I had waited for my ex partner to open up on how anxiety affects him & what it means for us as a couple, however that never happened.
And he’s closed himself off now for the past 5 months regardless of my reaching out.
Is there hope, or should I leave him be?


I don’t have a diagnosis, but my doctor has told me that I do suffer from anxiety attacks. And of course it’s about my relationship. We have been together for 10 months, and I love him so much, and I know it deep down, and when we’re together there’s no problem, everything is just great. But when we’re not together, I get all these horrible thoughts, and they’re though to let go of. Thoughts like “do I REALLY still love him?”, “would he be better of without me?”, “Should I just give up?”, “Is it true love or just something else?”, “Am I just convincing myself that I love him and lying to myself?” and so on. It can be tough for me from time to time, but I just don’t want to give up on him, and again all of it comes when I’m alone, without him. I’ve found out that saying things out loud helps, cause the worries does the most damage in my head, but it can be a tiring battle. He has drawn the line for how much I can vent to him, and that’s okay, cause I don’t want to burden him and I want to learn how to deal with it myself. But I feel like I’m not getting anywhere and I am so so scared that it will end up ruining the relationship, if I don’t learn how to deal with it when we’re not together! Plus the internet is a HORRIBLE place to seach, and confuses my worries and doubt even more…Is there anyone who can help me? I don’t want to lose him.


Hello lovely humans (:

I have a whirlwind of a story to throw your way so I hope you’re ready.

I am 22 years old and I am engaged to the love of my life. I just spent two months working at a summer camp and I went from dating someone from back home who was nice and sweet and could have offered me a very nice life and I decided to follow what my heart was telling me and take a leap of faith to entering into a relationship with someone who was also staff with me. He is the perfect match for me and is my best friend. I was the happiest I have ever been being away from home and being in that environment. My home was very far away and I felt free. I return home to not the greatest relationship with my parents due to the fact that I seem to have been erratic and for lack of a better word insane. My fiancee then decided to come and spend a few weeks with me before he has to fly home due to his Visa expiring. Currently I am getting ready to properly move out of my house tomorrow and then start my last year of undergraduate study and my practicum on Monday. I am having terrible feelings of anxiety and this pit in my stomach that won’t go away. I keep questioning our relationship and myself to the point where I have panic attacks. I hate looking at this man who I know is everything I have ever wanted and either questioning if I love him which I know I do (most days) or if he and I are going to work when all he is giving me is unconditional love and support. I was on certain birth control medication to ease ovarian cyst symptoms but that eventually just made me feel numb. I don’t want these thoughts to proliferate our love especially with him leaving for awhile but I also don’t want to feel nothing at all. I want to be back to myself and to get back to him. I have always felt as if I had anxiety but I brushed it off and pushed through since I also have a thyroid condition. It just all seems so heightened since coming home from being away for two months and not being completely anxiety free but feeling so much better. I love this man and I just want us to be whole again so our marriage can start in a place of joy and not stress.

Thank you all for reading this that did – I am hoping someone tells me something other than “that voice inside you is your conscious telling you you are doing the wrong thing” as my mother likes to point out.

Aly A

Thank you so much for this article! I am a high school student in a long-term relationship, and I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for many years.
One thing I’ve found that helps me (and is not listed in this wonderful article) is to not constantly look at online magazines for signs of potential “problems” in my relationship. Every relationship is different, and what might make one couple want to break up is perhaps what fuels another.
Stay calm, stay grateful, and remember that the future is never as bad as you think it will be.


Hi, i came to this article because like many of us here i have some anxiety issues and i just accepted this. I am the type of person who cries when frustrated, when i cannot control a situation – and now it s filtered into an already complicated relationship.
I feel anxiety because i dont know what will happen, because i am pretty scared about not fulfilling my relationship goals.
I have been in a relationship that has demanded the most work and the one that has made me learn the most about myself. This relationship is with a man that has his own emotional luggage so from start i knew it would not be a walk in the park. Sti ll i decided to take a chance to know hom and maybe fall in love, and i did. I got to see a wonderful guy but also a man whose problems would just take over everything. I gave him and the relationship all i could until i had no more to give. I felt – more often than i like to admit – the only constant or sure thing was disappointment and loneliness.
So it ended about 6 months back – and i have been doing a lot of reading here and a lot of meditations to move forward and let go. About 2 months ago we started to talk again, me filled with distance and skepticism as all trust was gone, so what could possibly be built or rebuilt without it?
But i have at least opened myself to the possibility – with my heart more than happy and hopeful, but my mind terrified…and this fear is just always in the back of my head telling me it will never work, nothing has changed and putting the handbreak on how i feel or when i feel hopeful.
The fact that i dont see progress and concrete actions are really scaring me. I receive a lot of promises and beautiful words, but no actions or proof that these are true and genuine.
So i feel trapped in these insecurities and in this uncertainty. I dont know how to handle this situation. I wish i could mind read him! Unfortunately that is far from happening and actually not the solution to how i feel since this has more to do with me than with him.
Even though i do love him with all my heart and mind, sometimes i wish i didnt and wish i could just erase it all. But even then a tiny little piece of me wont let go, feeding that anxiety…a vicious circle it seems.
Just putting my thoughts to words is already a weight less.
Thank you for reading me ☺



Thanks for this article.
I’m 41 and started seeing a therapist last week. This isn’t the first therapist I’ve seen, but the first one I’ve gone to and admitted that I am suffering from anxiety.

After our first session I’ve been thinking back and I’m realizing I’ve been suffering from anxiety from as far back as age 17.

I’ve coped by taking on other things. By trying to help people. By making career choices that would distract me from dealing with myself. I’ve fooled myself at points into thinking I’m suffering from illnesses that I didn’t have. I could go on and on.

I’m in a weird place right now. I feel a sense of relief that I can now admit that I’ve been distracting myself from dealing with this for decades but I’m also very sad that I’ve wasted the most productive years of my life on worry.

Yet, I’m pressing on and am looking forward to getting better and finally tackling this illness.


Hello everyone. I’m looking for advice on my relationship anxiety.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and 1/2 years now and love him with all my heart but I have terrible anxiety. I find myself being very controlling and clingy. I was never like this before until I started to really start having feelings for him. I am super jealous when it comes to other girls. I hate being in front of large crowds and am always tapping my boyfriend and freak out on him if he even looks in the direction of a girl. I find myself doing this whenever I am in public. I don’t know why I do it but it just happens and he hates when I do it and it always leads in to fights. Even on tv or movies if there is a hot girl I am making sure he isn’t looking. I just feel like I deserve respect and want to be the only girl he looks at. I’m also very clingy and am always with him at all times when he gets home from work. He is always wanting to hang out with friends but I started to have trust issues because he would always lie about It in the past. So we really don’t hangout with friends. I just can’t stop thinking about him and am always wondering what he is doing and feel like I need to be in control. I hate that I do it but I just can’t help it. We even track each other on our phones to see where the other is at.
Please help me. I don’t want this relationship to end but I feel like he doesn’t care about me anymore. Help me please.

Aly A

Hi Mackenzie, thank you for telling your story. Hearing about other peoples’ experiences brings validation of my own feelings of anxiety.

As for you, I have seen this kind of situation occur in the past with couples who had been dating for a number of years, and it was always the lack of trust that broke them apart in the end. I don’t know your exact situation, but it sounds like your partner is secure in your relationship, although he is not always happy with the constant paranoia on your part (this is how it is in my relationship of over a year). You are both clearly able to love and be loved greatly, and want to put in effort to prevent and fix problems since you have been together for so long. I know it’s much easier said than done, but you have got to exercise faith in your relationship knowing that you have overcome adversity together, probably many times, in the past.

Start with baby steps to relinquish control of each other. For instance, allow your partner to go out for a guy’s night and fight your urges to text or call him in anything short of an absolute emergency. Go out for a night with your family or some girl friends and tell him about it in person once you get home. From there, you can take bigger and bigger steps: Staying out for a night with friends, taking small family trips without each other, etc. By becoming independent of each other, you will be happier as individuals and as a unit.

I hope that this helps…


I have been in a relationship with a girl for 8 months. For the most part we have a great relationship. We never fight and work well as a team.

During the 8 months we have been dating, there were four similar incidents I have let anxiety get the best of me. The fourth one was last week. I was getting paranoid that my girl friend was having inappropriate texts with some one else. When I confronted her she showed and explained to me the content of the communication, and of course it was all very normal. I let my imagination and anxiety get the best of me causing damage to my relationship trust for something that didn’t exist. The worst part is this was the fourth time it has happened, and she expressed that my insecurity is ruining the relationship. I know she is hurt and offended that I had to ask her to explain her communications. Any suggestions?

Karen Young

An anxious brain will pull you into the future and have you wrestling with what-ifs before you realise what’s happening. Keep in mind your anxiety is only a thought, not a prediction and not a truth. When you start to feel your imagination taking you to dangerous places, breathe, settle yourself, imagine your thoughts as traffic (or clouds or bubbles or whatever works for you) and then imagine yourself letting them go. Remind yourself they are only thoughts – they will come and they will go, but don’t let them take you with them. Then, think of the three things you are grateful for about your partner and the way you feel with her. Gratitude helps to squeeze out negative thoughts.

It’s also important to understand how anxiety works. Here is an article that explains how anxiety works, and why it is so persuasive And here is another article that might give you some strategies to help find calm when you are starting to feel insecure or worried about your relationship Be patient and kind to yourself. Your brain has been doing its thing for a while, and it will take a while to retrain it to stay calm when you need it to, but for sure you can do this.


Who ever is reading this..i hope will be able to give me some insight..

I started dating this woman 3 months ago. It was basically love at first site..she fell into my world unexpectedly. She told me she loved me about a month ago. I said it back of course. She truly is great. She isn’t as emotional as me and sometimes I over think.
I think it may be anxiety/insecurities. I think rediculous if she doesn’t have an orgasm while i have sex with her i’m not as good as her ex boyfriend, or if we don’t have a plan to see each other right away or if i cant come give her a hug and kiss before i go to work it means maybe she doesn’t care to see me. Sometimes after sex i wonder if i satisfied her enough. The other night we were having sex and she asked me after i came if i could start back up right away. For me it wasnt going to work i need time in between and she kinda blurted ” IS IT GONNA WORK?” i felt like crap. Then i was apologizing after. She said you think that matters to me? Basically assuring me it was going to be ok.

(WE TALK ALL THE TIME THROUGH TEXT) If i bring up the fact that im feeling anxious..she tells me that its going to be “ok”..or i feel she just gets fed up and tell me to “stop tripping”. Like i stated above, sometimes ill offer to come giver her a hug and kiss before work but she says “not like this” meaning she thinks shes too ugly to be seen by me, which she has lots of self confidence issues with that way she looks, the way she has sex with me. She says shes not confident sexually with me yet. Even though i tell her shes beautiful all the time. Then when i send her emotional messages i feel like an idiot because i realize i’m acting to emotional for her maybe and lessening her love for me? She tells me to tell her anything that’s on my mind, but i feel she cant stand some of my anxious thoughts when i need to share them with her.

Everything seems to be fine when we are hanging out with each other. We hold hands when we drive, in public, cuddle lots when we are at home together. She HATES when i stare at her..and will literally push me away. I look at her because she actually is stunningly beautiful and I like to take in what is sitting in front of me. Her safe place is when she jumps on to me lets me hold her in my arms while shes got her legs wrapped around me. I rock her back and forth and give her lots of kisses. (Not sure if thats relevant or not).. I picture her being my long term girlfriend..sometimes she drops subtle hints about the future…like she didn’t want to scare me but she was looking at wedding dresses the other day..or her dad will eventually call me his son in law..she shows love in the opposite way that i show. We are kind of ying and yang.

I realize space and distance is important. I sometimes feel like i’m not doing enough for her, even though i know i am. I feel like my world is stable and im usually well organized in my life. But sometimes my thoughts get the worst of me and i need reassurance. I want to feel like i can gain reassurance from her if im feeling anxious without her thinking im some sort of nut. She asked me “seriously, how does your brain even get to these places?” as if shes at the end of her rope. We always talk through text when we are apart but suggested we start talking on the phone. Sometimes i read text messages differently and unsure of her tone. I’m constantly overthinking and am trying to stay positive when i have my anxiety moments. Its probably once a week where i feel unsafe in my deep thoughts..

One thing to keep in mind about her is that she tells me to “be patient” with her.
She is currently not working and suffers from fatigue and anxiety and depression. She says shes gotten better. I figure shes trying to become independent as well and get back on her two feet without me constantly trying to tell her im there for her etc..

Anyways..I feel better that I’ve ranted..

Can someone help me out and give me some decent advice on how to manage this?


I understand the agony you are feeling it sounds exactly like my relationship but im the female and my boyfriend sounds like you. Keep telling your girlfriend how you feel about her keep reassuring her you will get so much more back if you make it safe for you to both communicate.
a good place to start is : when you ….. i feel…….. because……
books to read that might help; wired for love by Stan Tatkin and Attached by Dr. Amir Levin and Rachel Heller.
My best wishes to you both, time is a great healer be gentle on yourselves.


After nearly 30 years in a relationship that was toxic I have taken the decision of ending this marriage. I am now starting a new relationship with an old friend , we always felt something special between us, but I was married and he respected that. As soon as he found out that my marriage was broken, he just walked in my life. I feel very anxious because he is with someone else and he is telling me that he will end it to be with me. We have been together for the last 5 months and I am starting to be anxious about the situation. In addition, at the moment I am with a lot of problems starting the process of separation and divorce in a not amicable way with my ex, I also started a new job, etc. I feel I am at my worst moment and he has been my fantasy for many years and I can’t believe this is happening to me. What can I do not to get anxious every time he doesn’t answer my text, the phone?. He has told me that is going to take a while for him to sort out his life and also mine. Should I stop asking him to leave his partner?
I have found your article very interesting and I have made notes about it, but I would appreciate any tips to help with my anxiety, because I don’t want to appear as a needy person to him. I also have many battles at the moment and they are all very complicated, feeling like a single mother of two children, not only emotionally but also financially in addition to the above. Thank you.

Karen Young

Being in a relationship with someone who is also in a relationship with someone else is going to create stress and anxiety, if there is any expectation of exclusivity. Having said this, it is not for you to ask him to leave his partner. The decision about whether or not to end the relationship is one for him and/or his partner. If he leaves because you told him to, rather than for reasons that feel right for him, there is a lot of potential for fallout. It’s a risky game for you if he gives up his relationship ‘all because of you’ or ‘does that all for you’. In relation to your anxiety, the strategies for dealing with anxiety in your relationship can only go so far if you are looking for security and certainty in a relationship, and you are in one that feels fragile or uncertain. You will find many ways to deal with anxiety on this link


Thanks very much for your reply. Our relationship seems to be going forward, he is there for me when I need him and he is being very supporting and caring. I haven’t ask him to leave his partner. I have told him only that I wouldn’t like to be her. It seems he had his own plan and he is now starting to open up with me and sharing his future plans. He is going to move out and he is planning to live in his own house. I am not asking much and it seems to work because he is talking about his feelings towards me. I really don’t understand how he is managing to come and visit me so often and her not being upset with him. Is it appropriate for me to ask him how are things with him and his partner? Shall I wait for him to tell me? I did said to him that he is finding it very difficult to tell her what’s going on, but he said no to my surprise, because six months ago he said that he wasn’t sure what to do because the 10 years that they have been together, have been good. I am not feeling so anxious about us. We both look forward to be together and we have a really nice and fun time.
Two months ago, I thought of leaving him, because I don’t like to be the lover and I don’t like to be the cause and the problem of his relationship.It goes against my way of thinking. He said to me that he always fancy me and he is feeling fire in his stomach when he is with me. Do you think that leaving him will work in my favor?
Thank you very much for your help in this important matter.


Hi Yvonne,

I am in a somewhat similar situation; I also am currently divorcing/ leaving a toxic relationship (10+ years) and have started a relationship with a guy who I was always somewhat in love with and have known for a long time. He was also in another relationship when we started our affair, but he thankfully left his partner within a month or so of us getting serious, to show his commitment to trying to have a relationship with me.

My life is also changing SO much from the divorce and it is so stressful and I have severe anxiety. One thing I would say to you to consider is this: it has often been hard for me to separate the two DIFFERENT anxiety sources I’m facing, which might be similar to what you are going through, and I separate them this way:
(1) Anxiety about all the changes in my wider life – finances, career, resolving the divorce proceedings in a way that I can ‘live with’ later when it is all said and done (but not letting my ex walk all over me, because he was emotionally abusive and I am somewhat fearful of his rage, so I often give in to him)
(2) Anxiety about my new relationship – how much effort I should put into the creation of a future together with my dream guy versus holding back and moving slowly because he has JUST left a relationship and so have I, so I know we both have to deal with the emotions around our breakups for awhile before we can be totally healthy and ‘available’ again.

I am quite insecure because of how bad my marriage was. Our long toxic relationship hurt me and made me feel ‘not good enough’ as well as somewhat of a ‘failure’ as a wife and in romance. (I was an extremely confident person earlier in life.)

What I would say is this – ask yourself what do you WANT from your new, divorced life?? Do you want to just do all this work to make your life better after leaving a toxic relationship, but then at the same time sit around hoping maybe the guy you are in love with will be exclusive with you? I would not want that, personally. Life is short, we are all meant to be happy and pursue what we dream of for ourselves, and do it bravely. It is very hard to be brave about big decisions when we have anxiety in our lives, but we have to. And we have to be HONEST with OURSELVES the most. You can and will have love, if you want it, and it sounds like you do. I would recommend you tell your new guy (perhaps in a letter, it can be easier..?) how much you feel for him, but that you are uncomfortable with the current situation, and that you are going to focus on you and your life for awhile until things are more stable for you. Hopefully this will give him the chance to decide whether or not he loves you enough to start a new life of his own, too. (And you don’t have to ask him to leave. Just tell him that THIS is not what you want for your life. It’s your birth-right to express your wants and needs!)

Good luck in life and love and all the best for 2018! I hope everything works out but if not, you will find someone else better and more available for you. Age doesn’t matter. The only factor is how much you love and respect yourself! 🙂

?? ?


Hi, I’m only 15 but I’ve been struggling with anxiety for 6 years. I was getting a lot better and my life felt a lot clearer and I met a guy through friends who I’ve fallen in love with and he loves me too, I felt a lot stronger around him. But recently I relapsed and now I feel a lot weaker around him, he’s had previous relationships with people who have anxiety/depression and it’s had a large impact on him. I’m really scared of hurting him, and I’m scared of not being able to improve again because of how much I care about him. I don’t want to drag him down, but I don’t want to lose him. Do you think taking a break for a short time would work? So I can get back on my feet? Because everything I used to love about being around him I now hate, everything feels dislocated.

Karen Young

Tatyana – I know it’s been said a lot but communication really is key. It’s so important to let him know how you are feeling. Try to do this from a position of strength, perhaps something like … ‘this is how I’m feeling – just wanted to let you know but I don’t need you to do anything about it. I’m working on it and I’m going to be just fine.’ This will help him to understand what’s happening for you, without feeling the need to ‘fix’ it, which can sometimes be overwhelming.

The truth is that in all relationships we have to learn about each other and what works and what doesn’t. The only way to do this is by talking about it what you need, what the other person needs, and what can make the relationship work better for both of you. You have so much insight and clarity around what you are feeling – that’s so wonderful! Self-awareness is such a healthy, important thing, but it can be difficult. The more aware you are, the more you can see your impact on people, understand their impact on you, and do things in a way that strengthens you. Anxiety is something that happens to you sometimes. It doesn’t define you and it doesn’t define your relationship. You are strong, insightful, brave and open-hearted – remember that.


Hi my name is Melisa and I’ve been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Things started off great. I was an undergrad student, completely focused and would be graduating with honors. Then, I started to go on a decline, losing motivation, feeling lethargic and it just took a complete toll of everything, including my relationship.

Fast forward 2 years later and things have gotten worse. I’ve tried to be completely transparent and explained the triggers, ask for him to point out any signs of the anxiety and yet, while I go thru it and battle instead of compassion, he gets extremely defensive and angry. Small minor misunderstandings and misconceptions of what I’m trying to express (in a very non-combative way), get taken far left and now I’m the one who is in the wrong for having feelings. I understand that my feelings are just that, feelings. They very well be doubts and fears that deserve absolutely no time or focus, yet when I’ve asked to be corrected or reassured, all I get is instant defensiveness. He takes the things I express as personal attacks and then says, “I’m so tired! I’m not doing this and I’m not doing that! Nothing will ever be good enough for….etc”!

I have literally took the time and placed effort into my approach and I never say things like that! I never say “you…., or you….”. I always say “I would like this…..or it would really mean a lot to me if….” I don’t yell or attack him. I’m very gentle in my tone and I listen to constructive criticism because I do want things to be successful, and always am ready to stand to be corrected. A lot of times, I will say, “this is the way I feel; however, maybe I’m in my feelings and could be wrong. If that’s the case, please let me know”. No response. Just silence or then aggressively saying, “well if that’s how you feel, what you’re basically saying is this…”. It’s like at that point, I don’t know if it’s my anxiety getting the better of me, or if my feelings are in fact valid. All I have to go off of, is my feelings and nothing more. No facts, no contradiction, reassurance in anything.

I am lost and although I know my anxiety gets the best of me at times, this is not what I want. I’m trying my best and I literally believe that I already do some of the things listed in this article, but maybe I’m doing something wrong. All I’m asking for is for him to listen to understand rather than simply to respond. I may need compassion and some reassurance during these times. Am I really asking for too much?

I’d also like to state, we do not live together (15-20 min distance). We only get to see each other maybe once a week (Sunday or one day during the week), and that is ALWAYS in the evening (after 9pm) and stay the night. The next morning, we get up (6am) and we are both off to assume work….etc. Although, I appreciate every moment spent together, I’ve expressed the need for more quality time and how it’s important for relationships in bonding….etc. Seeing someone once a week for 2-3 hours (only at night then you go to sleep), is great and acknowledged, but face-to-face interaction is vital. When my anxiety builds, I don’t always have that hand to hold mine or a simple hug, because the lack of quality time, so at times it reinforces and/or amplifies my level of anxiety that I’m literally trying to quash. I’ve explained this, I’ve asked for patience and understanding…..and I’ve taken the gentle approach to saying, “when we are together, we have such a great time and I’d like more of it and it would mean a great deal to me if we could both set aside that time for one another”. Please keep in mind that I’m not the one who’s consumed, as I’m constantly free, yet I include myself in saying, “if WE can set aside time”. This is to avoid the misconception of me attacking him. Seriously……am I wrong for feeling like wanting to spend time with man is wrong? Am I wrong for wanting an actual date during the day??

For all readers, I do not think he is cheating. He works 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week and is a widower with 2 boys (ages, 9 and 7). Given that said, my requests always consider those aspects in his life, and it’s also important to note that we spent more time together before, so why the lack of it now? Work is the same, schedule is the same and he has family members that are available to watch the boys, as they have before.

So I say all of this to say, yes! I do believe my anxiety is hindering my ability to cope and deal with things in my life, especially my relationship. I’m aware of it very much and I don’t like it. I try very hard to be as open about it 100%, yet I don’t know if it’s just that, that’s having such a detrimental impact within my relationship. I feel like I’ve reached the point of no return and it’s all my fault. I get made to feel like, #1 my feelings are complaints, #2 I’m wrong for having feelings, #3 my feelings are always personal attacks, #4 I’m wrong for asking for more quality time that is not just me/him coming over late pm to leave early am AND I’m unappreciative when I express my wants/needs and #5 I’m the cause of this all because he’s just tired and just needs “peace”.

I feel like an utter failure.

Karen Young

Melissa you are NOT a failure! From what you are saying, your needs and wants sound very reasonable and very understandable. We all have our ‘stuff’ – the things we need to grow through, and the secret to a successful, loving relationship is being with someone who can support you through your stuff, not make it worse. Of course, we all have a responsibility to continue to grow, but the people we choose to be with can make this harder or easier. It’s easy to take it personally when things don’t happen in a relationship that you need, but sometimes it isn’t about either of you separately, but about the combination of you. No relationship is perfect, but the ones that work are open to each other and to the needs of the relationship. Keep talking about what you both need, and listening to each other about what you might be doing that is getting in the way of the relationship moving forward. Then, it is for you to decide whether or not the relationship is able to work towards giving you both what you need.



I resonate with your story so much I felt my thoughts had been written down. My partner and I have been together for five years and I struggle with anxiety and depression on and off. I also experience the blame and guilt for having feelings or asking for more time. Those 5 key ways you feel after expressing your feelings or asking for something are identical to how I am feeling and have for a while.

I only see my partner on weekends, sometimes mid week if possible. He is a busy guy and is trying his best to become successful in his career. He reassures me when he feels it isn’t damaging and is quite supportive. Overall he is an intelligent, kind and humourous person that is driven. I actually feel so awful for feeling the things I do because of these very factors and am lost at what the solution is.

I feel as though it is a combination of both the anxiety taking over and causing worry and intrusive thoughts that need not be present and the defensive behaviour that makes you feel the ways you expressed. I think this combination only keeps the cycle of anxiety going.

I hope you have found a calm place and balance between the two of you. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through that. ??


I’ve only been in 2 relationships both lasting about 3 months. I felt so trapped I could barely breathe. Every time she tried to hold my hand or touch me, I would literally jump. Both times I ended up in hospital from stress. Outside of those 2 times I have never had any signs of anxiety or mental illness. I’m 40 and too scared to try dating again in case it has the same effect.


Hi, I just say your comment. I’m 41 and find getting into a relationship hard. It freaks me out. I question everything, mostly I question am I into it, am I faking it just to be in something. But you know what I think that’s all just bullshit thoughts. Deep breaths, time outs, meditate, what ever gets you through the day. Eventually it will help u to differentiate between noise and reality. Another tip is to keep trying. Repetition reduces fear as you will see the same worry patterns emerge and common sense tells you they can’t be true every time. Lay tip, run, bike, hike or something. Whatever gets you up and out of your head. Hope that helps


Hi I have had anxiety for the past 5years I started to get anxiety during my senior year in college I was a full time student and had two jobs I had to take it easy I had panic attacks on a daily and thankfully I managed to control it by working out. Soon after that I started a new relationship I love my boyfriend to death he’s the sweetest man I know and I would do anything for him, unfortunately I have experienced a tough past in my past relationships being cheated on and betrayed. My anxiety increases the most when I’m in a relationship and lately I’ve been having more anxiety in my relationship we’ve had a rough patch and somehow I feel like that has made a toll on me, I panic when he takes forever to reply to me i get nervous when he goes somewhere after he gets out of work it’s rare for him to do that he’s a predictable man and when things aren’t in “routine” I panic and get anxious and start assuming the worst. I feel bad I know he doesn’t deserve it but I can’t seem to get control of it help ??


I have been suffering from extreme relationship anxiety. My boyfriend is an absolute angel he is so good to me and always makes sure to reassure me that he loves me and if he isn’t around it’s because he is working. Even with all his reassurance I still feel anxious when he takes lo to text back or has to work overtime. I fear that it’s beginning to annoy him but he does his best not to show it and always wants to help. I really feel hopeless because I cry myself to sleep every night when I should be feelin so lucky that I have such a great boyfriend. Anyone have any tips that keep these thoughts away when your significant other isn’t around?


I am the same way. I know he cares so much for me but the demons creep into my head. I promise myself I’ll be laid back and just go with the relationship, but my mind goes to strange places and I end up shutting down and giving up. I get all crazy and nervous when I know he’s just working. I don’t know how to stop it and I’m losing a great guy! ??


I thought I would just say that as much as your boyfriend is trying to help by reassuring you, and as much as you think that this reassurance is what you need, this is actually what in the long run will keep your anxiety coming back. This is because every time you get reassured you have a mild relief at least for some time and your anxiety decreases So your brain starts associating the reassurance with something good and will seek for it. In the long run, however, this is what is feeding your anxiety. Therefore, the best approach for those who have OCD is to try and just accept the anxiety and sit with it. When you have thoughts like “oh, he’s not texting me, probably because he hates me” or something along those lines, just try to resist your need for reassurance and just think “ok, maybe he hates me, but I accept this. I might not be able to do anything about it and it’s ok, I accept it!”. I know it sounds hard and it probably makes you think I’m crazy but seriously, after a while your brain will stop firing you all these questions because you just won’t give in to your anxiety and your brain will understand there is no need to worry… there is no need to fight or flight. This is what cognitive behavioral therapy tries to teach you. I am trying it myself for my OCD. Worth to try it, I guess 🙂 also, if you haven’t heard of it, try to research about NEUROFEEDBACK. I did it and it helped me greatly! Maybe could be something to help together with therapy?
Please bear in mind I’m not an expert nor a doctor, so I am just writing about my experience. Each case is a case and I always advice you to seek professional help if you feel really overwhelmed. They would help you doing the therapy better 🙂
I hope I helped nevertheless.
I send you all lots of strength !



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We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. 

There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. 

Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️
Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. 

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. 

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. 

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. 

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. 

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. 

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: 

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m  going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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