The world is seeing too many days where humanity
It’s hard enough for us as adults to make sense of catastrophic trauma, especially when that trauma is at the hands of other humans. Many times we
Anxiety after news of a catastrophic trauma. What happens?
Emotional experiences – ones that come with fear, helplessness, humiliation, grief, pain – often contain information important to our safety. Standing on broken glass, for example, comes with plenty of information about what broken glass feels like against our skin and the damage it can do. We don’t want to have to keep learning that broken glass hurts, so those emotional experiences lay themselves down in the brain as powerful memories. The amygdala, the part of the brain involved in anxiety, holds these memories and uses the information in them to identify potential danger and steer us away from trouble. Once an emotional memory is stored, it can drive behaviour without us realising.
Here’s the rub.
What might anxiety look like?
strong, healthy brain working as it should to get us ready to deal with threat – just a little too much.evidence of a
What if they don’t show any response at all?
Some children and teens might show no outward signs of anxiety at all. This might be because they are completely okay, or because they are still
Some might spend more
When the feelings can’t
How do we help them feel safe again?
Here are some ways to help them through.
- Limit their exposure to stories or reports of the trauma.
Media coverage of world trauma can create emotional ‘memories’ that drive anxiety. The reports often bring us face to face with the fragility and unpredictability of life. When reporting about the unfathomable breakage of lives, it can be no other way. As adults, we might feel helpless and frightened. We might feel grateful for our own lives and deeply saddened that others have
been stolen. Our children have less capacity to make sense of these feelings and what’s happened. The more information they are exposedto, the stronger those emotional ‘memories’ will be, and the more power they will have to drive anxious thoughts, (‘What if this happened to us?’) and anxious behaviour – flight (avoidance), or fight (anger, tantrums).
- Load them up with the good.
We’re wiredto give more power to negative information than to positive. Whenever you can, give them positive stories that have come out of the trauma. This will help to dilute the salience of the frightening ones. Tell them about the heroes and the stories of survival, kindness, and compassion. Show them how much the world comes together and holds each other a little tighter when something like this happens. They need to know that people are more good and kind than they are scary. They need to feel held by a loving humanity, because they are – not a cruel, unpredictable one.
- Be mindful of their age, and what they already know. It’s easier to manage the flow of information with smaller children, but older children and teens will have their own access to the news. Check in to see if they need to talk and answer their questions as honestly as you can while giving only as much information as they need to feel safe.
- Try to get the thoughts and images from inside of them to outside of them.
Whether it’s through talking, playing, drawing or writing, anything children do to get their feelings and thoughts out will be a good thing. Children learn, heal and explore through play, so you might find their play is influenced in unexpected (though maybe not surprising) ways after news of a world trauma. They might use sticks as guns, or they might play hospitals or chase ‘baddies’. There is no need to shut any of this down. Instead, let it guide the conversations you have with them. Play can be a powerful insight into what’s happening for them on the inside. It’s also the way children practice staying safe and explore their own power. They can try things out and be whoever they want to be. Then, whenever they want to they can take off the costume, step out of character, and come back to the safety of their own world.
Face-to-face talking is especially healing. Let them talk as much as they need to. Talking connects the emotional right side of the brain to the logical left side. It helps to give context and shape to feelings, which lets those feelings soften. Know that you
don’t need tofix anything and you don’t have to have all the answers. Most importantly, don’t let the fear of saying the ‘wrong thing’ get in the way ofsaying ‘something’. Even if that ‘something’ lands differently to the way you expected, you can clean it up once it’s out there. What’s important is opening the space for conversation. Try, ‘I’m wondering how you’re doing with everything. Would you like to talk?’ Having a conversation will always be better than having no conversation at all.
- It’s okay if the words don’t show up. Some children might not want to talk at all, and that’s okay. The important thing is letting them know you’re there if they need you, even if they don’t know what to say. Sometimes words can get locked inside big feelings. It can be that way for all of us. Open the door to you a little wider by giving them ‘permission’ to let you know they’d like to talk, even if the words are messy or not there at all. ‘You know I’m always here for you, and you can talk to me about anything at all. Sometimes the hardest part of talking to someone is knowing where to start. If you ever want to talk to me, but you’re not sure of where to start, maybe just start by telling me that you’d like to talk but you don’t know what to say. This will let me know that something is up and I can take it from there for you. We can figure things out together.’
- Sometimes, they might just need you.
When our children are hurting, the drive to do ‘something’ to lift them over the heartache of it all might feel
monumental, but sometimes they might just need us to sit with them for a while. Maybe they’ll talk, maybe they won’t – but it’s not about that. It’s about letting them feel the warmth and safety of you. Touch, warmth and physical closeness can be profoundly healing. Don’t underestimate the power of you. Sometimes, for certain, it will be everything.
When the world is fragile, they need us to be the guardians of their safe space in the world in ways that are meaningful for them. This might mean more talking, more playing, more just ‘being with’, and more moments of connection. Sometimes, that will be everything. Sometimes those meaningful moments are what we adults need too.
- And when they ask questions you just can’t answer. ‘But why? Why did this happen?’ It’s always okay to say, ‘I don’t know.’ There are some things even we adults don’t know. Sometimes we are confused, and scared, and brought to our knees by the unfathomability of it all. ‘I don’t know why people hurt people like this. I don’t think anybody in the world knows why. What I do know is sometimes people get angry or hurt, and they have really terrible ways of dealing with that. Sometimes people get so sad and hurt and angry about something that has happened, they want other people to feel that too. It’s never okay to do that and I want you to know that we live in a world where most people are good and kind and they know that. What I also know is that every time something like this happens, the people in the world come together to figure out how to keep the world safe, and people safe, and how to take care of the people. We can do that. We have to do that. It starts with taking care of each other and being kind to each other and the people around us. What can I do that would help you feel cared for and safe right now?’
- Whatever they are feeling is okay.
Sometimes the only way through a big feeling is straight through the middle. Let them know they
have the right tofeel whatever they feel – sad, angry, confused, or maybe nothing at all. When a big feeling comes to the surface, acknowledge this and hold the space for the feeling to be and to fade when it’s ready – ‘I can hear how sad and confused you are about this. I really get it. I know a lot ofpeople are feelingthat way.’
Then if you can, cut through the helplessness that can come with big feelings and nurture a sense of commonality and empowerment – ‘When lots of people feel sad like you do, the world comes together to look after the people who have
been hurt,’ or, ‘I understand why this has made you feel scared. It’s a scary thing to happen. What I know is that you’re safe and there are people working hard to make the world safer and to make sure that something like this doesn’t happen again.’
- Let them know their feelings are normal.
Research has found that most children will recover well after trauma, but the children who seem to take longer are more likely to perceive their symptoms as being a sign that something is seriously wrong with them. After a traumatic event, children might have intrusive memories, nightmares, and flashbacks. These are very normal for two to four weeks after a trauma, and it’s important that children understand this if they are experiencing any of these symptoms.
The children who struggle to recover tend to be the ones who take their symptoms as a sign that something is very wrong with them and spend a lot of time – an excessive amount of time – trying to make sense of their trauma.
Talking and thinking about what happened can be very healing, but like all things that are good for us humans, too much is too much. It seems that when children spend too long focusing on what happened and the reasons for that, they can get stuck.
To help your young ones from ruminating and becoming stuck, let them know that what they are feeling is really normal. Let them talk as much as they need to, but also encourage them to talk about the good news stories, and wherever you can, remind them of their own resilience. Are they going to school even if it feels tough? Are they sleeping in their own bed? They might not realise that these things matter but they do – they speak to the courage and resilience that is in them.
- Give them an opportunity to do ‘something’.
After a trauma, we open our hearts and stretch our arms around the people who have
been hurt. This is how we remind ourselves and each other that there will always be more good than bad, more love than hate, and more standing together than apart. That’s the humanity we want our children to know and to feel embraced by.
Encouraging them towards their own acts of kindness will nurture feelings of connection to a kind and loving humanity. These acts might include laying flowers, writing a note, or doing jobs to earn money to donate to a charity that is looking after the people who have
been hurt. This will help to replace feelings of helplessness with a sense of helpfulness and the awareness thatthey can make a difference.
- Gratitude – another way to load them with the good. Hearing about emotional experiences can create memories that drive anxious thoughts and behaviour. ask your child or teen to name three things they are grateful for. Encourage them to write them in a journal, or write them down and put them into a gratitude jar. This will create a visual cue, as well as something they can go to when they need a reminder of the good in their world.
- Could this happen to me?
Significant trauma ignites our empathy and our need to come together with love and support for the ones who have
been hurt, but it can also make us aware of our own fragility. People just like us, who love like us, have been hurtin unimaginable ways. We don’t see strangers and nameless faces. We see mothers and fathers and sons and daughters and sisters and brothers, and we wonder what would happen if those loved ones that were stolen, wereours.
Our children will also
be askingtheir own questions. ‘Am I safe?’ ‘What if something happens to you?’ This can be tough to respond to. Oftenwe will often be grazingagainst the hard edges of the same fears, but we can give them what they need to feel safe enough. When their thoughts and beliefs are uncertain, they will be looking to rest in the certainty of ours. More than ever, our children will need to feel our belief they are safe. Just as they did when they bumped and scraped when they were little, when they are hurting they will look to us, then back to themselves, then back to us. They will be looking for answers to two questions:
‘Do you see me?’ The first thing children are looking for is, ‘Do you see me?’ as in, ‘Do you see I’m hurt/hurting?’ We can give them what they need by naming what we see, ‘I can see how confused you are by this,’ or, ‘That feels scary for you doesn’t it,’ or, ‘I’m wondering if you want to talk about what we saw in the news today. Is there anything you would like to ask me?’ When we acknowledge what they are feeling, it helps them ‘feel felt’. They know we get it.
More importantly, itsends a message to the protective amygdala that support is here, which lets the amygdala step down. This is when their anxiety and any sense of ‘aloneness’ will ease. To do this, we need to see the world the way they see it. Only then can they feel as though us collecting them and comforting them and holding them safe from right beside them.
‘Do you think I’ll be okay?’ The second reason they look to us is for confirmation
thatthey’ll be okay. Sometimes we might be dealingwith our own anxiety about their vulnerability, especially in the wake of a seemingly random attack on humanity. Do we want to bundle them up and keep them close? For sure. Do we feel okay about sending them back out there? Maybe not. Do we feel safe enough? Yes. We might feel anxious, but we feel safe enough and sure enough thatthey’ll be okay. We wouldn’t send them out there if we didn’t. ‘I know there’s some scary things happening, and I want you to know that we are safe.’
Let them see
thatyou know they are safe to do what you are asking, whether it’s going to school, or perhaps being separated from you. They might not believe it for a while and that’s okay. Let them lean against you for as long as they need to, but at the same time, encourage them forward. This is important. The brain will do more of whatever the brain does most. If we support their avoidance for too long, the brain will wire around this and respond to the world as though the only way to stay safe is to stay with you. When there has been a scare, the only way an anxious amygdala can learn that something (the world/school/separating from a parent) is safe enough, is through experience. This might be tough for a while. It can be so distressing to move them forward when everything in you is telling you to scoop them up and hold them close, but we don’t want to shrink their world. We want them to know they are safe, and you are safe, even when the world feels fragile.
- But how do you know it won’t happen to me?
This can be one of the toughest questions.
The truth is, wecan never know with 100% certainty that the people we love willalways be safe, but we can be certainenough. Explaining the differences between what happened in the world, and their world, can help. This might sound something like, ‘We live in a different part of the world, and that doesn’t happen here.’ If it’s something that theoretically could happen to anybody, such as a mass shooting, let them know what is different now. Maybe they caught the person responsible so that person can never hurt anybodyagain. Sometimes that won’t be enough though, because the response might understandably be, ‘But what if it’s a different person who tries to hurt us?’ If they ask this, speak about what we have learned. ‘Every time something like this happens, we learn how to stay safer. We learn how things like this happen, so we can stop it from happening again. There are people who are working reallyhard to make sure we’re safe, and I trust them.’
- It’s okay if they need a little extra support.
Some children might need extra support to help them through. Give them enough time to work through the trauma in their own way. There is no right way. If you feel as though the intrusion into their day-to-day life is causing significant problems for them, speak to a professional for support. The good news is that anxiety is very manageable.
And finally …
Children will respond to news of catastrophic trauma in their own way. Some children will respond with big feelings. Some with none. Some might have nothing to say. Some will talk and talk. Don’t underestimate the power of you to bring their world back to