Anxiety in Children and Teens: The two questions to set their ‘brave’ in motion.

Anxiety in children and teens can shrink their world more than anything should. Sometimes anxiety will do what it was designed to do, and show up in response to a real threat. Most often though, anxiety will show up, not in response to danger, but to something meaningful or important. This is when anxiety can really get in the way for our young ones. Instead of holding them back from something life-threatening, it just holds them back.

Anxiety comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala. When it senses a threat, it organises our bodies to be more powerful, stronger, faster, more able to fight for our lives or run for it. When anxiety shows up in reaction to a real threat (one with a real need for fight or flight), this response is brilliant. Too often though, anxiety shows up as a reaction to something important – an exam, a performance, trying something new, meeting new people, doing something brave. The ‘threat’ that is registered in the brain is related to messing up or missing out on that important thing. This might include shame, failure, humiliation, making a mistake, exclusion, judgement, criticism – the kinds of things that count as a terrible kind of terrible for us humans. 

Anxiety doesn’t weigh up the pros and cons of anything – just the cons. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. When it comes to anxiety, dangerous things, important things, or meaningful things can all feel the same.

First the feeling, then the ‘why’. The power lies in the ‘why’.

Part of being beautifully human is that sometimes we will feel big feelings that don’t make any sense at all. Being the meaning-makers we are, we will be motivated to make sense of those feelings. Feelings that don’t make sense can feel boundless and overwhelming – even the good ones. One of the ways we contain them is to look for the meaning. ‘I feel like this because …’ We put a story to our feelings to give them a context, so they feel more predictable and less wild. The story doesn’t have to be accurate. In fact, it often won’t be.

The story that follows anxiety is generally along the lines of, ‘I feel as though something bad is going to happen, so something bad must be going to happen.’ From here, anxiety will fuel our ‘what if’ thinking (‘what if [something bad] happens’), which will then fuel anxiety, which will then fuel our what ifs … you get the idea. We can interrupt this cycle by helping our young ones find a different way to make sense of their anxiety, and it’s this: Anxiety isn’t only a reaction to a real threat. Most often, it is a reaction to something meaningful or important.

And now to align them with their brave. The two questions that matter.

Anxiety will get in the way when it is read as a reaction to threat, but when it is actually a reaction to something meaningful (an exam, a performance, sports). We can help them with this by expanding the space between anxiety and what comes next and encouraging them to ask themselves,  

Is my anxiety because of something dangerous?
Or because there is something meaningful or important for me to do?

What comes next is where the magic happens, because what comes next is the decision that will move them away from or closer to that meaningful thing. Sometimes getting safe is exactly the right thing to do, but sometimes, when anxiety swells and calls them to action, it is actually a time to make a brave move forward. So, the next question for them to ask is:

Is this a time to be safe? Or is this a time to be brave?

‘You don’t have to wait for your anxiety to pass, because wherever there is anxiety, there is brave.’

Anxiety always exists with courage. It’s important for our children to know this because anxiety can run a convincing argument that as long as it is there, brave behaviour isn’t possible. But here is the shimmering, powerful truth of it all – even with anxiety, they can do amazing things. They can feel anxious AND do brave. They can feel anxious AND move towards that important thing. They can feel anxious AND get the job done.  

Helping our children understand this is one of the most important parts of building a scaffold that will support their move towards brave. When they are focussed on the risks and the fear, they might need our help to shift their focus to the gains and what makes this meaningful for them: ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ 

It doesn’t have to happen all at once.

The move towards brave doesn’t have to happen in a leap. It can happen as a shuffle – little step, by little step. The speed doesn’t matter – it’s the direction that’s important. When they are able to recognise that their anxiety is a reaction to something meaningful, the next question to ask is what can they do to move closer – even just a little – to that important, meaningful thing?

‘What can you do that is braver than last time?’

If anxiety is in their way, they might not see a way forward so they might need our help to find a step that feels brave enough. First, though, it’s important that we let them know that we feel what they feel and see what they see, ‘I know this feels scary. I really do.’ This will help register safety in the brain – ‘Someone gets it. Support is here.’ Then, we open their path towards brave. We align ourselves with their brave and let them feel the strength of us and our belief in them. ‘I know you can do this.’ When anxiety has them locked on to their fear, we steer them towards their brave:

‘What can you do that would feel brave right now?’ 

What does the shuffle towards brave look like?

The shuffle towards brave will depend on what their anxiety is holding them back from. Perhaps it is around being separated from you. Helping them feel safe enough might look like leaving them (with someone safe) for 10 minutes, then when that feels okay enough, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes, then 1 hour, then half a day, then a sleepover.

To open the shuffle towards brave, it’s also important to emphasise the process – getting the job done – more than the outcome. If they are anxious about an exam, for example, this might involve giving them permission to make a miserable mess of things. Permission to fail means permission to have a go. We can make their move towards brave a little lighter, by letting them know that they don’t have to carry our expectations along the way.

Part of building resilience is encouraging them to be okay with things not going to plan. But we need to pick this up too. When we tell them that they’ll be okay even if things don’t go to plan, we need to let them know that we’ll be okay too and that we can cope with whatever happens. ‘I know this feels scary. Exams are awful. I also know that you can do this. The outcome doesn’t matter. I know it matters to you, but I want you to know that what matters most to me is that you give this a go.’ 

The more you can involve them in the plan, the better, but sometimes the move towards brave might have to happen without them fully on board

And finally …

It’s not easy moving through anxiety – for the children and teens or the adults who care about them. There are few things more difficult than watching a child in distress and encouraging that child towards the thing that is fuelling their distress, but that’s exactly what the move through anxiety demands of us.

When they are at that line, deciding whether to retreat to safety or move forward into brave, there will be a part of them that will know they have what it takes to be brave and an even bigger part of them that wants to. It might be pale, or quiet, or a little tumbled by the noise from anxiety, but it will be there. And it will be magical. Our job as their flight crew is to clear the way for this part of them to rise by aligning ourselves with their courage, over their fear. This is when they will need us to step in behind them and help ‘big them up’ – by believing in them, by feeling the strength of our resolve to move them forward, and by gently shifting their focus from anxiety (what they can’t do), to brave (what they will do).

It won’t be easy – anxiety might fight back hard, but know with everything in you that eventually, it will rest, and when it does our children will discover exactly what they are capable of. They will discover that they can feel anxious AND do hard things. That they are strong, powerful, and brave – and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.

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When our kids or teens are struggling, it can be hard to know what they need. It can also be hard for them to say. It can be this way for all of us - we don't always know what we need from the people around us. It might be space, or distraction, or silence, or maybe acknowledging and being there is enough. Sometimes we might need to know that the people we love aren't taking our need for space, or our confusion or anger or sadness personally, and that they are still there within reach.
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What can be easier is thinking about what other people might need. Asking this when they are calm can invite a different perspective and can give you some insight into what they need to hear when they are going through similar. Don't worry if you just get a shrug, or a disheartened, 'I don't know'. They don't need to know, and neither do we. The question in itself might be enough to open a new way through any sense of 'stuckness' or helplessness they might be feeling.
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#parenthood #parenting #positiveparenting #parentingtips #childdevelopment #parentingadvice #parentingtip #mindfulparenting #positiveparentingtips #neurodevelopment #parentingteens
Give them space to talk but you don’t need to fix anything. You’ll want to, but the answers are in them, not us. Sometimes the answer will be to feel it out, or push for change, or feel the futility of it all so the feeling can let go, knowing it’s done it’s job - it’s recruited support, or raised awareness that something isn’t right.

Sometimes the feelings might be seismic but the words might be gone for a while. That’s okay too. Do they want to start with whatever words are there? Or talk about something else? Or go for a walk with you? Watch a movie with you? Or do a spontaneous, unnecessary drive thru with you just because you can - no words, no need to explain - just you and them and car music for the next 20 minutes. 

The more you can validate what they’re feeling (maybe, ‘Today was big for you wasn’t it’) and give them space to feel, the more they can feel the feeling, understand the need that’s fuelling it, and experiment with ways to deal with it. Sometimes, ‘dealing with it’ might mean acknowledging that there is something that feels big or important and a little out of reach right now, and feeling the fullness and futility of that. 

Part of building resilience is recognising that some days are rubbish, and that sometimes those days last for longer than they should, but we get through. First we feel floored, then we feel stuck, then we shift because the only choices we have we have are to stay down or move, even when moving hurts. Then, eventually we adjust - either ourselves, the problem, or to a new ‘is’. But the learning comes from experience.

I wish our kids never felt pain, but we don’t get to decide that. We don’t get to decide how our children grow, but we do get to decide how much space and support we give them for this growth. We can love them through it but we can’t love them out of it. I wish we could but we can’t.

So instead of feeling the need to silence their pain, make space for it. In the end we have no choice. Sometimes all the love in the world won’t be enough to put the wrong things right, but it can help them feel held while they move through the pain enough to find their out breath, and the strength that comes with that.♥️
Speaking to the courage that is coming to life inside them helps to bring it close enough for them to touch, and to imagine, and to step into, even if doesn’t feel real for them yet. It will become them soon enough but until then, we can help them see what we see - a brave, strong, flight-ready child who just might not realise it yet. ‘I know how brave you are.’ ‘I love that you make hard decisions sometimes, even when it would be easier to do the other thing.’ ‘You might not feel brave, but I know what it means to you to be doing this. Trust me – you are one of the bravest people I know.’
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 #neurodevelopment #positiveparenting #parenting #parenthood #neuronurtured #parentingtip #childdevelopment #braindevelopment #mindfulparenting #parentingtips #parentingadvice
So often, our children will look to us for signs of whether they are brave enough, strong enough, good enough. Let your belief in them be so big, that it spills out of you and over to them and forms the path between them and their mountain. And then, let them know that the outcome doesn't matter. What matters is that they believe in themselves enough to try. 

Their belief in themselves might take time to grow, and that's okay. In the meantime, let them know you believe in them enough for both of you. Try, ‘I know this feels big and I know you can do it. What is one small step you can take? I’m right here with you.’♥️
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 #neurodevelopment #positiveparenting #parenting #parenthood #neuronurtured #parentingtip #childdevelopment #braindevelopment #mindfulparenting
Anxiety will tell our kiddos a deficiency story. It will focus them on what they can't do and turn them away from what they can. We know they are braver, stronger, and more powerful than they could ever think they are. We know that for certain because we’ve seen it before. We’ve seen them so held by anxiety, and we’ve seen them move through - not every time but enough times to know that they can. Even when those steps through are small and awkward and uncertain, they are brave. Because that’s how courage works. It’s fragile and strong, uncertain and powerful. We know that that about courage and we know that about them. 

Our job as their important adults is to give them the experiences that will help them know it too. This doesn't have to happen in big leaps. Little steps are enough, as long as they are forward. 

When their anxiety has them focused on what they can't do, focus them on what they can. By doing this, we are aligning with their capacity for brave, and bringing it into the light. 

Anxiety will have them believing that there are only two options - all or nothing; to do or not to do. So let's introduce a third. Let's invite them into the grey. This is where brave, bold beautiful things are built, one tiny step at a time. So what does this look like? It looks like one tiny step at a time. The steps can be so small at first - it doesn't matter how big they are, as long as they are forward. 
If they can't stay for the whole of camp, how much can they stay for?
If they can't do the whole swimming lesson on their own, how much can they do?
If they can't sleep all night in their own bed, how long can they sleep there for?
If they can't do the exam on their own, what can they do?
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When we do this, we align with their brave, and gently help it rise, little bit, by little bit. We give them the experiences they need to know that even when they feel anxious, they can do brave, and even when they feel fragile they are powerful.

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