Anxiety in Children and Teens: The two questions to set their ‘brave’ in motion.

Anxiety in children and teens can shrink their world more than anything should. Sometimes anxiety will do what it was designed to do, and show up in response to a real threat. Most often though, anxiety will show up, not in response to danger, but to something meaningful or important. This is when anxiety can really get in the way for our young ones. Instead of holding them back from something life-threatening, it just holds them back.

Anxiety comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala. When it senses a threat, it organises our bodies to be more powerful, stronger, faster, more able to fight for our lives or run for it. When anxiety shows up in reaction to a real threat (one with a real need for fight or flight), this response is brilliant. Too often though, anxiety shows up as a reaction to something important – an exam, a performance, trying something new, meeting new people, doing something brave. The ‘threat’ that is registered in the brain is related to messing up or missing out on that important thing. This might include shame, failure, humiliation, making a mistake, exclusion, judgement, criticism – the kinds of things that count as a terrible kind of terrible for us humans. 

Anxiety doesn’t weigh up the pros and cons of anything – just the cons. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. When it comes to anxiety, dangerous things, important things, or meaningful things can all feel the same.

First the feeling, then the ‘why’. The power lies in the ‘why’.

Part of being beautifully human is that sometimes we will feel big feelings that don’t make any sense at all. Being the meaning-makers we are, we will be motivated to make sense of those feelings. Feelings that don’t make sense can feel boundless and overwhelming – even the good ones. One of the ways we contain them is to look for the meaning. ‘I feel like this because …’ We put a story to our feelings to give them a context, so they feel more predictable and less wild. The story doesn’t have to be accurate. In fact, it often won’t be.

The story that follows anxiety is generally along the lines of, ‘I feel as though something bad is going to happen, so something bad must be going to happen.’ From here, anxiety will fuel our ‘what if’ thinking (‘what if [something bad] happens’), which will then fuel anxiety, which will then fuel our what ifs … you get the idea. We can interrupt this cycle by helping our young ones find a different way to make sense of their anxiety, and it’s this: Anxiety isn’t only a reaction to a real threat. Most often, it is a reaction to something meaningful or important.

And now to align them with their brave. The two questions that matter.

Anxiety will get in the way when it is read as a reaction to threat, but when it is actually a reaction to something meaningful (an exam, a performance, sports). We can help them with this by expanding the space between anxiety and what comes next and encouraging them to ask themselves,  

Is my anxiety because of something dangerous?
Or because there is something meaningful or important for me to do?

What comes next is where the magic happens, because what comes next is the decision that will move them away from or closer to that meaningful thing. Sometimes getting safe is exactly the right thing to do, but sometimes, when anxiety swells and calls them to action, it is actually a time to make a brave move forward. So, the next question for them to ask is:

Is this a time to be safe? Or is this a time to be brave?

‘You don’t have to wait for your anxiety to pass, because wherever there is anxiety, there is brave.’

Anxiety always exists with courage. It’s important for our children to know this because anxiety can run a convincing argument that as long as it is there, brave behaviour isn’t possible. But here is the shimmering, powerful truth of it all – even with anxiety, they can do amazing things. They can feel anxious AND do brave. They can feel anxious AND move towards that important thing. They can feel anxious AND get the job done.  

Helping our children understand this is one of the most important parts of building a scaffold that will support their move towards brave. When they are focussed on the risks and the fear, they might need our help to shift their focus to the gains and what makes this meaningful for them: ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ 

It doesn’t have to happen all at once.

The move towards brave doesn’t have to happen in a leap. It can happen as a shuffle – little step, by little step. The speed doesn’t matter – it’s the direction that’s important. When they are able to recognise that their anxiety is a reaction to something meaningful, the next question to ask is what can they do to move closer – even just a little – to that important, meaningful thing?

‘What can you do that is braver than last time?’

If anxiety is in their way, they might not see a way forward so they might need our help to find a step that feels brave enough. First, though, it’s important that we let them know that we feel what they feel and see what they see, ‘I know this feels scary. I really do.’ This will help register safety in the brain – ‘Someone gets it. Support is here.’ Then, we open their path towards brave. We align ourselves with their brave and let them feel the strength of us and our belief in them. ‘I know you can do this.’ When anxiety has them locked on to their fear, we steer them towards their brave:

‘What can you do that would feel brave right now?’ 

What does the shuffle towards brave look like?

The shuffle towards brave will depend on what their anxiety is holding them back from. Perhaps it is around being separated from you. Helping them feel safe enough might look like leaving them (with someone safe) for 10 minutes, then when that feels okay enough, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes, then 1 hour, then half a day, then a sleepover.

To open the shuffle towards brave, it’s also important to emphasise the process – getting the job done – more than the outcome. If they are anxious about an exam, for example, this might involve giving them permission to make a miserable mess of things. Permission to fail means permission to have a go. We can make their move towards brave a little lighter, by letting them know that they don’t have to carry our expectations along the way.

Part of building resilience is encouraging them to be okay with things not going to plan. But we need to pick this up too. When we tell them that they’ll be okay even if things don’t go to plan, we need to let them know that we’ll be okay too and that we can cope with whatever happens. ‘I know this feels scary. Exams are awful. I also know that you can do this. The outcome doesn’t matter. I know it matters to you, but I want you to know that what matters most to me is that you give this a go.’ 

The more you can involve them in the plan, the better, but sometimes the move towards brave might have to happen without them fully on board

And finally …

It’s not easy moving through anxiety – for the children and teens or the adults who care about them. There are few things more difficult than watching a child in distress and encouraging that child towards the thing that is fuelling their distress, but that’s exactly what the move through anxiety demands of us.

When they are at that line, deciding whether to retreat to safety or move forward into brave, there will be a part of them that will know they have what it takes to be brave and an even bigger part of them that wants to. It might be pale, or quiet, or a little tumbled by the noise from anxiety, but it will be there. And it will be magical. Our job as their flight crew is to clear the way for this part of them to rise by aligning ourselves with their courage, over their fear. This is when they will need us to step in behind them and help ‘big them up’ – by believing in them, by feeling the strength of our resolve to move them forward, and by gently shifting their focus from anxiety (what they can’t do), to brave (what they will do).

It won’t be easy – anxiety might fight back hard, but know with everything in you that eventually, it will rest, and when it does our children will discover exactly what they are capable of. They will discover that they can feel anxious AND do hard things. That they are strong, powerful, and brave – and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.

2 Comments

Daniela A

Wow just wow, I was looking for anxiety related articles to help my nine year old with times test anxiety and I stumbled accross this and I just want to say THANK YOU!!

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Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety
Big feelings can be so beautiful. And so tricky. 

We want our kids to know that all feelings are okay, and we also want to support them to handle those feelings in positive ways. This is going to take time. We were all born with feelings, but none of us were born able to regulate those feelings. That will come with time and lots (lots!) of experience. 

In the meantime, the way we respond to their big feelings and the not-so-adorable behaviour it can drive, can be key in nurturing their social and emotional growth. So let’s talk about how.

Proactive Parents is a community event hosted by @mindfullaus . I’ll be providing parents, caregivers and educators with the skills and tools to better understand big feelings and the behaviour it fuels.

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We have to change the way we think about school. When we prioritise academics, it's like building the walls - because that's what we see - before fortifying the foundations.

So many teachers know this, but with the increased focus on reporting and academics, they aren't being given the time and opportunity to build the relationships that will ensure those foundations are strong and steady.

This is why too many kids are falling down at school - not because they aren't capable, but because the necessary foundations for them to do well haven't been laid.

Schools are spending the resources anyway, but reactively on behaviour management, disengagement, reduced capacity to learn.

If we can steer those resources towards building relational safety, so kids feel more seen, valued, cared for, rather than less capable or clever, we'll see a decrease increased academic success, greater engagement, less social struggles, and less behaviour issues. It's just how it is.

First though, we need to value relationships and the way kids feel at school, even more than how they do at school. All kids are capable of their own versions of greatness, but unless they feel safe and cared for at school, we just won't see what they are capable of, and neither will they.❤️
We also need to make sure our teachers feel seen, safe, cared for, valued. Our kids can’t be the best they can be without them.♥️
Separation can be tough! Not just for our kiddos but also for the adults who love them. 

As brutal as separation anxiety can feel, it also comes with transformative opportunities to strengthen your child and build their brave in ways that will serve them now and for the rest of their lives. 

Of course we’d rather our young ones (or ourselves) never feel the tailwhip of separation anxiety, but so many young people are going to experience anxiety at separation from a loved one. It’s part of being human, but it doesn’t have to hurt. 

As their important adult, you have a profound capacity to support them through separation anxiety and help them feel braver, stronger, and closer to you, even when you’re not beside them. Let’s talk about how.

This is information I wish every parent could have.

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A recording of the webinar will be available to all registered participants for 30 days following the ‘live’ online event.

To register or find out more, google ‘hey sigmund webinar separation anxiety’ or see here https://www.heysigmund.com/upcoming-live-webinars/ ♥️

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