Anxiety is … a feeling, not a disorder.

Boy in Anxiety is a feeling, not a disorder

Anxiety is a feeling, not a disorder. It’s a warning, not a stop sign. Language is powerful, and the more we talk about anxiety as breakage or as a deficiency, the more we’re going to drive anxiety about the anxiety. The truth is that it’s a really normal human experience. In fact, it’s probably one of the most human of the human experiences.

For sure, anxiety can really intrude into a young person’s life, but the more we talk about anxiety in terms of breakage or deficiency, the more this will become a part of their experience. Especially for young people with intrusive anxiety, there is nothing to be served in pathologising anxiety.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful – so let’s shift the focus. Let’s stop talking about anxiety as a ‘disorder’, breakage, or deficiency, and towards normalising it. We won’t get rid of it, so let’s turn it from a scary beast of a thing, to an ally. This starts with the way we talk about it.

Anxiety does not come from a broken brain. It comes from a strong, powerful brain that is doing its job – protecting them from danger. All brains sometimes work too hard sometimes, and instead of protecting, they overprotect.

Brains can’t tell the difference between things that are scary dangerous, and things that are scary safe (new, hard, brave, important things).

Let them know: Anxiety is a ‘just in case’ response. Just in case you need to run away or fight, I’m getting your body ready – just in case – but you decide: ‘Is this a time to be safe? Sometimes it will be. Or is this a time to be brave?’

Anxiety shows up to check that you’re okay, not to tell you that you’re not. It’s your brain’s way of saying, ‘Not sure – there might be some trouble here, but there might not be, but just in case you should be ready for it if it comes, which it might not – but just in case you’d better be ready to run or fight – but it might be totally fine.’ Brains can be so confusing sometimes!

All young people need to know …

Your anxiety is there to check that you’re okay, not to tell you that you’re not.

You have a brain that is strong, healthy and hardworking. It’s magnificent and it’s doing a brilliant job of doing exactly what brains are meant to do – keep you alive.

Your brain is fabulous, but it needs you to be the boss. Here’s how. When you feel anxious, ask yourself two questions:

– ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger or because there’s something brave or important I need to do?

– Then, ‘Is this a time for me to be safe (sometimes it might be) or is this a time for me to be brave?

And remember, you will always have ‘brave’ in you, and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.

And finally.

Words are powerful. They drive thoughts, feelings, responses. The more sting the words have, the more sting the experience will have. The way we talk about anxiety won’t be the whole story, but it matters. It has to be part of any response.

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We don’t need the last word. We don’t need them to agree.

When there is a power struggle - we want … they want … we’re trying to convince them … they’re trying to convince us … - leave power on the table. It’s already yours because you’re the grown-up. You don’t need to convince them, and nothing they can do or say (or don’t do or say) will change that.

The presence they are looking for is an anchor presence - love + leadership - strong, steady, grounded and able to care for them through the storm.

Anchors don’t stop working when the storm hits. During the storm, they work harder to hold on and keep things safe. They don’t take things personally and they don’t judge their performance on how well or how quickly they can stop the storm. 

It doesn’t matter if our kiddos don’t see things our way. They’re looking through a different lens - one that can’t always see around corners the way we might be able to. They don’t have the same resources, experiences, or skills as us. Neither did we at their age.

We’re in charge of keeping them, others, and their relationship with us safe. They’re in charge of how they respond.

It’s why boundaries have to be about what we do - because it’s all we can control.

Sometimes an anchor presence means recognising that we can’t stop the storm, and we don’t need to.

When they don’t have the skills or resources to do what we would like them to do in the moment, we do what we can do to keep the moment safe, while letting them know we are here for them.

If they’re hurting a sibling, we move the sibling away, and stay in connection while we do. ‘It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hurt their body (while we’re physically moving their sibling - that’s the boundary). I’m right here (relationship).’

Or if they’re yelling: ‘I want to hear what you want. I care about you much to listen when you’re saying those things about me. (Boundary - I’m not listening.) 

Or, ‘You might stay angry with me for a while and that’s okay. I’m here when you want to talk about it, but I won’t listen while you’re yelling at me. Take your time. You’re not in trouble.’♥️
Mattering is about feeling valued and feeling like I’m doing something that adds value. It doesn’t have to come from grades or schoolwork, and for so many kids it probably won’t. There are so many ways to help kids feel seen and valued that have nothing to do with schoolwork, but which can work to engage them in schoolwork. Little things make a big difference. 

We also have to let our teachers know how much the matter. They are the greatest key to ‘mattering’ (or unmattering) in our schools and for our young people.♥️
If we want to meet their learning needs, we first have to meet their relational ones. If we want them to be open to learning, they first have to open to the adult they are learning from - and they won’t be open if they don’t feel seen, safe, and cared for. It’s not always easy, it’s just how it is.♥️
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Sales that are 25% off books and resources designed to help kiddos feel bigger, braver, and calmer.

For a short time, we’re taking 25% off books, plushies, courses, posters, and a bunch of tiny treasures that can help build courage and calm in kids and teens.

With the end of the financial year just around the corner, it’s the perfect time to top up your toolkit — or quietly replace those resources that have shimmied away while you weren’t looking. (We see you. We've been there.)

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